What’s the best way to address my concerns with him?

[Annia]

I think maybe you need someone who has more free time, because this relationship is causing you too much anxiety and you seem to cling to dear life on the moments you two can be together. Two times a week seems great to me and appropriate, but 1 time a week or even 1 week without seeing each other is not the end of the world because life happens and sometimes people are busy and want to socialise with friends too on their free time. It shouldn't be one or the other nor seen as a problem for the relationship if at one certain time a person prefers to socialise with friends. But at the same time you need to learn to control your anxiety, be more flexible, less passive-aggressive and give time to either this or a more compatible partner in the future. So I think it's a mix of him being too busy/detached for your taste (which is perfectly fine if you think his dating style doesn't suit you) and you being too anxious and clingy/catastrophe thinking. As some posters have referred, it might be a "chicken and egg" situation.

 

I hope he has eventually contacted you and that you feel better. I advise not going into relationship talk on the phone when he contacts you, not throwing passive aggressive jabs about him not having contacted you on Saturday while he was at work and fishing nor discussing the message he send or did not send or your anxiety about him not having set up a date/contacted you on Friday. I'd let it go, show interest on his fishing trip and then analyse in private if this relationship suits you or not. It might be that his relationship style and apparent detachement doesn't suit you and is a deal breaker for you and that's perfectly fine.

[katrina1980]

Lex, are you around? Reading these responses?

 

If yes, curious what your take-away is, and hope you did not take offense, we are all just trying to help. I hope you know that.

 

Anyway, have you heard from him yet?

 

Looking forward to your update! :)

[East4]

Since my last thread, we have had the relationship talk, been exclusive from the beginning (almost 6 months now), and officially in a committed relationship, bf/gf now. My concerns back then disappeared and I’ve been so happy with him. Great communication, he’s been so attentive, the texts have turned into phone calls, we see each other 2-3x a week now. I’ve met his friends, he includes me... I have not worried about anything and have felt secure in the relationship.

 

For some reason these two seem to stick together, this is why it pains me so much to see how Lex is sabotaging her chances of what she says she wants-a stable, loving relationship with this man. Compared to her previous thread, it looks like she has turned the voltage up on sabotaging her dream for a stable relationship; her insecurity and neediness reached stratospheric levels. Before she was careful to conceal her paranoia, now she is carrying it proudly like a coat of arms. Is this by accident? I cannot put my finger on it yet, but I suspect there is no accident in the exponential progression of her freaking out about every little thing.

 

I would say, the closer she gets to her conscious objective for a loving relationship, the more she amplifies her attempts to fail at it. I think something in herself wants her to fail. Instead of looking inside to see where this destructive force stems from, she does what it easier-she blames the guy. And her accusations are so intense, which indicates that her reactions come from her core self. His only "fault" is that he went fishing with his cousin. His actions do not warrant so intense, core-self reactions. Some poster commented that he was not contacting her for days on end. This is not true from what I read, they last spoke on Friday night, it was only Saturday that he did not reply. We have no further updates for Sunday and today, so let's stick to the facts. I'm not defending the guy, what I'm pointing at is that the strain on the relationship comes from forces within Lex that she seems has no awareness of, nor a handle on them.

 

Which actually is bringing me to my third point, which is that we actually know very little about Lex, because the focus until now is entirely on this guy's actions. But he is not interesting, he is just a mirror of Lex's approach to relationships. Actually I think that he is a decent guy. Going back to that we do not know anything about Lex, who is she as a person, what is her story; the only facts I know is that she is divorced with 2 kids, in her late 30's and she had a serie of casual relationships after her divorce before she met this guy and she fell head over heels very quickly. I'd like t better understand you, Lex, please tell us if you had this obsessive quality to other relationships? Were you like that with your ex-husband? What was the reason for the divorce? Did you take the time to grieve your divorce, or went straight into the dating pool? Were you ever single or always in relationship? Were you abandoned or your trust betrayed by a significant person (care-giver, family member, friend, lover) in your earlier life?

 

To use an IT metaphor, my hunch is that this guy is just a shortcut to system file named traumas.dll at the basis of the Lex Operating System, and this traumas.dll file causes files registry errors; the file registry is responsible for the addresses of executive files in the memory of an Operating system. Each input to the Operating System is interpreted by the traumas.dll as fatal error and the corresponding exe file is activated (nagging.exe, harping.exe, controlling.exe). How could one operate a system that 90% of the time interprets inputs as fatal errors?

 

And lastly, this thread has helped me enormously to figure out why insecurity breeds controlling behaviour. Until now I have just accepted it as an axiom, but couldn't explain the exact mechanism of insecurity leading to controlling. Now I can. The things is the insecure person's centre of gravity (i.e. sense of self) is located externally, i.e. the sense of self is dependent on how external people, or a specific person like a significant other relates to the insecure person. If the SO is giving them attention, the insecure person feels good of themselves. If for some reason the SO is not available/busy with other things, then the insecure person loses their centre of gravity/sense of self, they become unstable like not knowing if they are still good as people; which triggers a panic reaction that they have to get at all cost the attention back on themselves, because the lack of SO's validation triggers pain of feeling bad about themselves, or empty. The need to restore the sense of self/centre of gravity is primal and such a basic instinct, that it leads to a total self-centeredness with zero regard for their SO. The insecure person just needs the attention to feel whole and good, the intensity of this need is atomic and no civilised manners, or respect for the other could stand in the way of this primal need. This need for validation and attention is like the infant that screams and cries to get fed, because its survival is at stake, with no interest to know if infant's mother is sick, or sleep deprived. Here's where the control starts, the insecure person needs its fix to recover their sense of self/centre of gravity. The interplay between insecure and controlling renders the abusive/controlling person a paradox-at the same time they are very weak because they are like a puppet on strings, totally dependent on the external validation; and on the other hand they are dangerous, because their controlling caters for their insecurity that is a bottomless pit that could never be filled up with any external love and validation. This pit could only be filled up from the inside.

 

More secure people have this centre of gravity/sense of self within themselves. While they may appreciate the positive rapport with a SO, their whole sense of self is not dependent on the external validation. Which allows them to see their SO as a separate human being with their own needs and desires that should be respected.

[figureitout23]

Love love loves your post easy, always enjoy them.

 

I especially liked the parts about insecurity manifesting itself in a controlling way. It drives me crazy when abuse victims and abusers are painted with a broad stroke as they’re these manipulative soulless creatures, those people exist but most abusers are broken themselves and abuse is how it’s manifested, doesn’t make it right, but anyone who looks at vulnerability and insecurity as something that can be over looked, it shouldn’t be, they manifest themselves at times in very aggressive harmful ways, just look at this board for example. Not every poster is being honest with us or themselves, not every poster sees what they are doing but the clues are often there. It can take a while but eventually a full picture is shown. Mental health controls so much of our lives but is completely ignored.

 

I also was under the impression he was failing to meet her needs but after your posts it’s kinda blantantly obvious she has some issues to face and it may very well be that she never healed from her divorce.

 

I was a needy insecure shell after my divorce, got myself into a FWB situation that I had no business doing that ripped me to shreds, once I was able to get away and heal I saw my role, but it takes steppng back and breathing. I hope the OPer is willing to do that.

[East4]

Thank you, FiO, glad you found it useful.

 

Actually I think this guy is exactly what Lex needs. Because he is being consistent with her, which makes me think he might be a good guy. AT the same time he has good boundaries and does not let her trample all over them and leave him drained, with no friends and hobbies. Because she would do that if he lets her.

I hope things work for Lex, but she is dire need of therapy and internal honesty.

 

Kudos to you FiO for your caregous journey out from abuse, this takes strength, honesty and kindness.

[LootieTootie]

I suggest you look in to finding hobbies to keep yourself preoccupy so your mind doesn't go wondering off in to a rabbit hole. And I don't mean hobbies with girlfriends who probably gives the same speech and tells you the guy is no good and all men are dogs.

 

Maybe instead of trying to salvage the relationship, you try to save your sanity. Do some self-reflection and be accountable for your insecurities and neediness for answers. And if you are having this much anxiety, then break it off, because dating shouldn't have to an emotional and mental turmoil.

[katrina1980]

Well, again it sure would be nice if Lex checked in and shared her thoughts about our responses, and updated.

 

I know she's reading them, and I find it baffling and frankly a little frustrating she has chosen to stay away.

 

I'm actually wondering now too, since she prefers to not ever share details about herself, her life, and how she came to think and feel as she does (as East alluded to) and keep her distance in her own thread, which is her choice of course, how close and intimate her relationship with her bf truly is.

 

My sense from reading all her threads about this relationship, is that it's actually quite emotionally distant, even cold, despite how often he "checks in" via text, and how much time they spend together.

 

And I think they both may even prefer it that way, which is why they've lasted as long as they have.

 

As long as he regularly "checks in" and keeps their two dates per week status quo, everything is cool. That's all she really needs. It all sounds very formal and polite.

 

I don't know, to me something feels very very off, over and above the subject of this thread.

 

JMO of course, wish you the best Lex, and would love to hear from you if you're ever inclined to return.

[milly007]

It would be great to hear from you, Lex.

 

How are you doing and how are things going?

[Lex00]

Hi everyone, I really appreciate the time you took to respond. It really made me think of so much, and I do believe this all boils down to the fact that this is mostly me, doing this to myself. My boyfriend is an amazing guy. Sure, he doesn’t send mushy texts, he doesn’t sweet talk me, but he makes up for it when we are together. He’s certainly not a cold person towards me. I believe he just deals with stress, and just life in general, differently than I do.

 

To answer the questions about myself, no, I’ve never had this level of anxiety in a relationship. I think it’s because my ex bfs have always been there, and needed a lot of communication like I do. And I have only had two other serious relationships in my life. My first serious boyfriend out of high school that lasted 6 years, then soon after that relationship ended, I met my ex- husband. We were together 11 years before we got married, married for 7 years. We divorced because he became untrustworthy and I found out he was hiding a lot from me with regards to a “secret” job, was very shady, I no longer trusted him. After the divorce, I did not jump right into the dating pool. It was almost a year before I started dating again. Besides those serious relationships, I had short relationships after the divorce. Some just very casual. I was ok with not seeing some very often and did not felt the need to even talk to them every day. Which is why I’m a bit surprised I am this way towards my current bf. Maybe it’s because I truly have feelings for him and this is the first time I am serious about someone after having kids. And the fact that having kids would limit my time with him, living that distance will limit time, our careers limit our time. So now it’s something I have to worry about when in the past, I never had to. I don’t know...

 

But to update you all, he did in fact call me when he was on his way home on Saturday night, and talked to me for about an hour until he arrived home. Poor guy went to work early that morning, worked a few hours and took off fishing early. Went back so the cousin’s place and grilled up his catch. As some of you mentioned, he just wanted to disconnect I guess, he obviously saw I had called, but understandably just wanted to enjoy his time, then talk to me when the night was over. I actually did not nag, didn’t complain, didn’t even mention my text and call being ignored. I was upbeat, asked him how his day was, we laughed, shared stories, etc.

 

I know he tentatively has another family affair Wed/Thurs so I’m not betting on seeing him, which means this time, it will be almost two weeks. And I need to understand this is just a one off due to work, kids, family commitments, and things should revert back to how they were. My constant need of reaffirmation is what’s killing me here. He’s not great with expressing emotion with words, but my goodness he does when we’re together. And I have to remember that. For example, this morning we were texting and I wrote that I couldn’t wait until the next time I see him and that I miss him (guys, please don’t say that’s clingy because we have both said that to each other before), and he did not respond to that. I felt a little crappy but realized he’s done this before, but Saturday when he called me on his way home, I told him I missed him and he said he missed me too. So, I should not place so much weight on whether or not he texts something back. Fast forward to tonight... he initiated, just wanted to tell me about an accident that had happened and we were both joking around about it.

 

All in all, I need to realize that most of this is just me getting in my own head and I’m creating this. He’s never going to be warm and fuzzy over the phone, and there may be other times he is going to want to crawl into his cave, I just need to learn how to deal with it better than I have been.

[bluecastle]

So I'm of a few minds here.

 

I've kept quiet on this thread this time, and I'll tell you why: I basically figured the post you just wrote was inevitable. Why? Because we've seen this cycle quite a bit now—it's essentially the meat of the relationship. Face to face you're good, with constant texting you're good. But with the slightest deviation you're in Defcon mode. It took, if I'm not mistaken, less than a full day for you to think he was a total a$% with no balls who was ghosting you, yeah? And it took one conversation for him to be back to being amazing? And yet: those of us in the bleacher seats have gotten another glimpse into the anxiety rising, when he failed to respond to the "I miss you" text.

 

The truth is somewhere in the middle, and it's a pretty sweet spot if you can sink into it. He's living that truth, by the sound of it, and as East, in one of her many astonishing posts, said: this could be good for you, a chance to level up a bit. But it's only good if you want to exist on that level, which is not necessarily "better" than yours, just different, and start really taking steps to see what's going on under the hood, which I suspect is that feeling strong feelings for someone has stirred the deep waters of pain from your marriage. Lack of trust and so on. Some part of your core wiring might associate "deep feelings" for "lack of trust" and "shady," even while knowing, at least logically, that this man is not your ex-husband. That little fissure needs to be addressed, and stat.

 

On the flip side, relationships are not meant to be this anxious, and I fear, in all these posts, that you've mistaken "anxious" for "passion." They are meant to "challenge" us, sure, but challenge is not the same as being tortured. They are meant to be exciting and thrilling, of course, but that is not the same as drama and edginess. I can only speak for myself, and I say this as someone who adores and seeks the highest highs, and who spins out plenty in pursuit of them, but my threshold for the level of sustained anxiety you've described is next to nil, especially in a developing relationship. The person can be great, the sex can be outstanding, the attention intoxicating, the dreams of a future bubble gum gooey, but if I'm spinning in my head too much and/or can't go a day or two without an annoyance knowing me from my center I just can't hang. Maybe a week or two, not months. Not my own weakness, not theirs. Just something about the timing and chemical compounds that is off, and it's the spins that signal that something is off.

 

You'll find your answer, of course, in time. But just as you were so quick early in this thread to blame him, don't be so quick to now blame yourself. It's that very pendulum swing that is the issue here, you know? So, again, the middle ground. As others have said, this is a wonderful opportunity to dig into some hobbies—something so that, when you find yourself annoyed with him, which is going to happen again, you have a place to go that is not, well, him. Not a text, not a talk, but you, your safe space, your joy.

 

Me, I get on my motorcycle, head to yoga, or take a hike. Sounds simple and breezy, but that machinery was years in the building for me. In those moments I am (a) distracted and (b) reminded that I can create joy on my own—a combination that staves off the ultimate fear (that I'll be left, gamed, cheated on, whatever nonsense has nipped at me in the past) since even that wouldn't be the end of the world. With that nullified, you're back to just being slightly annoyed—so slight, at times, that you forget what even annoyed you. No need to ever text or talk about—whatever it was vanished in the wind, on the mat, in the mountains.

 

I'd also, to bring out the well-worn troupe, suggest therapy. Not therapy so everything will work with him—since he is just a person, not a prize—but so you can get that gear that's stuck unstuck. See this relationship as having shined a light on a little cobwebbed space in your psyche, which is something relationships are good for—they expand us, show us more of ourselves to ourselves. But to get the full reward of that—aside form adoration, comfort, sex, and "I miss you"—we have to be willing to clean those cobwebs ourselves. The faster we can learn to do that, the better we can stay in things.

 

In other words, your goal should not be figuring out how to make this work, with him—the whole "learning to deal with it" angle, since a relationship is not an endurance test. It should be figuring out how to be the best, sharpest, strongest, shiniest you, so you can share that and enjoy it alongside someone.

[Batya33]

If at this point you're finding yourself monitoring when he initiates "I miss you" or responds to yours or initiates contact and still monitoring to rationalize why he didn't call you when you thought he should (too tired/needing to disconnect, etc) then this is not the right person or relationship for you. Even if he is "amazing" and treats you well in person. Please stop with the crawl into a cave thing. Yes, people need space, yes there's the whole concocted cliche about men and their "caves" -to me the concocted part especially is that men need to crawl into their caves AND somehow when they need that it's ok for them to leave loved ones hanging/ignore them/change the routine of when they stay in touch. No, that's not about cave, it's about rudeness. Again I know there was all this back and forth about whether he actually owed you a phone call back, and when, but please don't demean men by excusing rudeness because of cave-needs. It's just not true. Sure, I'll buy that maybe men do the cave thing more on average than women (not in my experience but sure) but rudeness or thoughtlessness towards loved ones with whom you have a routine has nothing at all to do with it.

 

And no he need not be warm and fuzzy on texts/the phone - that's a separate matter from keeping in touch and if the issue was only that he wasn't a phone person but kept in touch such that you didn't feel this need to monitor and get stressed, fine. Whether it's you or him -meaning whether you're just too needy -it doesn't matter. Too much angst/monitoring at this stage, for sure. And you've known this for so long and in your situation I don't think it will change.

[Wiseman2]

Have you read up on screen addiction? You seem like someone who continually checks the phone and needs constant pings, updates, texts, etc. So much so that someone unplugging for a while on a fishing trip or taking a while to respond sends you in a tailspin like an addict in withdrawal. Every time he doesn't respond asap or doesn't text constantly or when you expect/want it, it throws you into panic mode "He's dumping me!!". Have you ever counted how many times you check your phone or how many hrs/day you are spending on it? It's sad how many people are getting caught up in this and other cyber problems and assume it's "a communication problem" when in fact it's a screen problem.

[figureitout23]

This is going to be another 30 page thread...

 

I’m not saying that to be rude, I promise I’m not just... your response has been the EXACT same as all the other rinse wash repeat you have contact -bottom of the roller coaster - something triggers your anxiety - going up the coaster - you post here the next apocalypse- going down the drop - he does something - you’re back to the bottom of the coaster back to the status quo choosing to do nothing about your anxiety.

 

I found your description of your post divorce life so interesting. You wrote it as if it’s perfectly normal as a “obviously I’m over it!”

 

Girlfriend! You were with your ex husband for nearly two decades, after that you had a string of casual relationship and in “less than a year” you met this guy.

 

You know those movies that give you glimpses and clues and you’re watching and you go “ ohhhhh, that’s why!” Yeah you aren’t healed from your marriage, you developed trust issues most probably and your new BF is paying the price.

 

Now to sorta echo batya, that doesn’t mean he’s Prince Charming, but you are making so much ‘noise’ with your anxiety his issues are buried beneath yours...

 

Sadly... I think you’re at the bottom of the roller coaster so you don’t plan to make any changes, much like how you described the relationship in previous posts “ it’s been months and months of bliss” you tend to completely forget your anxiety episodes, we had to point out it wasn’t months and months you just recently had an anxiety panic post and you will continue to until you face that fact that until you take responsibility for yourself and your well being you will be miserable. It is not his job to fix or soothe you, nor is it our job but you’re using both for those purposes.... I often say I think the scariest time in some adults lives is when they’re single, the thought of being alone with their thoughts is terrifying to them. If this doesn’t rectify itself you will become addicted to this dynamic and you won’t stop , you won’t be able to, as east put it you’re getting more and more comfortable allowing your monster out to play and allowing your boyfriend to meet him. If you don’t think this episode did damage to your relationship I have some land to sell you...

 

I hope some of this finally gets through and you get the help you need, this board had a break through!!!! We finally put it all together, it doesn’t seem you have quite yet...

[Annia]

I don't have anything useful to add just to say that several users here wrote amazing insightful posts and might have gotten to the route of the question. I think that this situation with your boyfriend might be a stepping stone into confronting your issues deeply and come out of it stronger.

[Metaltwin70]

'..you have contact -bottom of the roller coaster - something triggers your anxiety - going up the coaster - you post here the next apocalypse- going down the drop - he does something - you’re back to the bottom of the coaster back to the status quo choosing to do nothing about your anxiety.'

 

_________

 

You've just described the first few months of when I started dating my husband. I was insanely insecure, madly jealous, paranoid, anxious, convinced beyond doubt that every 'no-contact' day was the end. Beyond ecstatic when he texted or called. Convinced that we wouldn't work because well, nothing did prior to him. Was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Except, it didn't. He knew how to 'be' with me very early on. He knew when, how, with what words and action. I didn't fully show him just how insecure I was - until I had a few glasses of wine in me that is - omg, won't even go there. A few heated arguments were had, none of which were his fault or instigated by him. He just dealt. He listened to me rant and rave and reassured me. Hugged me, kissed me, told me I was the most beautiful woman on the planet. What I'm trying to say is, he was RIGHT for me. With all my anxieties and insecurities and baggage and paranoia. He had plenty of his own - I dealt with it all too. We've been happily together for almost 15 years now. We just worked from the very beginning and still work now.

 

Oh and as an aside, lord did we have it all 'wrong wrong wrong' in both our lives when we got together. To name just a few things, he was in the process of changing jobs and breaking up with someone. As in, they still shared a flat. I was in a horror job that made my life hell and up to my eye balls in debt - serious debt. We both drank too much and generally lived the lifestyle of people ten years younger (I was 33 and him 36 when we met). I won't go on. We were two broken people who together became whole. ENA calls it codependency, I call it love and two people destined for each other.

 

It simply is the matter of finding the right match.

[Batya33]

I love Metalwins' story. And I think this is far more one-sided. He is showing you with his actions he is not up for all the reassuring/reaffirmation you need. He's shown that many times since the beginning.

[Lex00]

Not sure if this matters, FIO- I did not start dating him less than a year after my divorce, I meant that I began to date. So I’ve had relationships where I did not have this level of anxiety.

 

I met him over 2 years post divorce. The dynamic is certainly different with him than the others.

[katrina1980]

Lex, not sure if your anxiety is related to your divorce necessarily.

 

What is clear (at least to me as I can relate) and that I think you are realizing now too, is that experiencing very strong feelings/emotions for another person with whom you are romantically involved, which perhaps you did not experience with the other men you've dated including your husband, at least not on the level you are experiencing now, triggers certain fears and anxieties that you find difficult to manage in healthy ways.

 

There is a great book that I highly recommend you read, it's helped me a lot and still does, entitled He's Scared, She's Scared, the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Our Relationships."

 

You can find it on Amazon, it's a great read! Very informative and enjoyable, it used to be my "Bible" and I still refer to it.

 

Strong feelings, strong emotions, falling in love is very scary for some people, the book discusses the possible reasons why, invites you to introspect and look within.

 

It's helped me so much, perhaps it might help you too. To understand yourself, your fears, your anxieties, your motivations, where they stem from and hopefully resolve.

[Lex00]

'..you have contact -bottom of the roller coaster - something triggers your anxiety - going up the coaster - you post here the next apocalypse- going down the drop - he does something - you’re back to the bottom of the coaster back to the status quo choosing to do nothing about your anxiety.'

 

_________

 

You've just described the first few months of when I started dating my husband. I was insanely insecure, madly jealous, paranoid, anxious, convinced beyond doubt that every 'no-contact' day was the end. Beyond ecstatic when he texted or called. Convinced that we wouldn't work because well, nothing did prior to him. Was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Except, it didn't. He knew how to 'be' with me very early on. He knew when, how, with what words and action. I didn't fully show him just how insecure I was - until I had a few glasses of wine in me that is - omg, won't even go there. A few heated arguments were had, none of which were his fault or instigated by him. He just dealt. He listened to me rant and rave and reassured me. Hugged me, kissed me, told me I was the most beautiful woman on the planet. What I'm trying to say is, he was RIGHT for me. With all my anxieties and insecurities and baggage and paranoia. He had plenty of his own - I dealt with it all too. We've been happily together for almost 15 years now. We just worked from the very beginning and still work now.

 

Oh and as an aside, lord did we have it all 'wrong wrong wrong' in both our lives when we got together. To name just a few things, he was in the process of changing jobs and breaking up with someone. As in, they still shared a flat. I was in a horror job that made my life hell and up to my eye balls in debt - serious debt. We both drank too much and generally lived the lifestyle of people ten years younger (I was 33 and him 36 when we met). I won't go on. We were two broken people who together became whole. ENA calls it codependency, I call it love and two people destined for each other.

 

It simply is the matter of finding the right match.

 

I really loved reading your story, thank you so much for sharing. I think it’s wonderful you both got through that and still going strong. Soulmates :)

[bluecastle]

K makes some good points about how big feelings can trigger big fears.

 

Still, I can't shake the sense that you felt "fully healed" from your divorce since you'd followed what does sound like standard protocol for moving forward: a year away from dating followed by a year of getting your feet wet in less emotionally heavy romances. And so you were, in your head, "ready" when you met this guy.

 

And maybe you were. Or maybe those cursory romances provided an illusion, since it is "easy" to feel sturdy when you're not so into things. Or maybe it's just the fact that being "ready" is different than being ready for a specific person, for a host of reasons.

 

To play therapist for a moment: While you say this dynamic is different than the others, I can't help but wonder how different it is from what you experienced in your marriage, at least as things went south. The edge, the paranoia, and so on. The way you describe your ex-husband—shady, with a kind of secret life, ultimately untrustworthy—is, after all, basically the way you've described this man when you're in the spins. Without eyes on him, without frequent and routine communication, the level of judgement and suspicion aimed at him is pretty staggering.

 

Not saying it's as simple as that kind of subconscious projection, but it might be worth thinking about if you're interested in changing this dynamic and feeling more secure in it.

 

With that in mind, I also wonder: Was your ex-husband "aloof" and so on, in the vein of this man? Were the cursory romances with people who were more expressive, with people who, from day one, you kind of "knew" felt more for you than you did for them?

[Annia]

'..you have contact -bottom of the roller coaster - something triggers your anxiety - going up the coaster - you post here the next apocalypse- going down the drop - he does something - you’re back to the bottom of the coaster back to the status quo choosing to do nothing about your anxiety.'

 

_________

 

You've just described the first few months of when I started dating my husband. I was insanely insecure, madly jealous, paranoid, anxious, convinced beyond doubt that every 'no-contact' day was the end. Beyond ecstatic when he texted or called. Convinced that we wouldn't work because well, nothing did prior to him. Was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Except, it didn't. He knew how to 'be' with me very early on. He knew when, how, with what words and action. I didn't fully show him just how insecure I was - until I had a few glasses of wine in me that is - omg, won't even go there. A few heated arguments were had, none of which were his fault or instigated by him. He just dealt. He listened to me rant and rave and reassured me. Hugged me, kissed me, told me I was the most beautiful woman on the planet. What I'm trying to say is, he was RIGHT for me. With all my anxieties and insecurities and baggage and paranoia. He had plenty of his own - I dealt with it all too. We've been happily together for almost 15 years now. We just worked from the very beginning and still work now.

 

Oh and as an aside, lord did we have it all 'wrong wrong wrong' in both our lives when we got together. To name just a few things, he was in the process of changing jobs and breaking up with someone. As in, they still shared a flat. I was in a horror job that made my life hell and up to my eye balls in debt - serious debt. We both drank too much and generally lived the lifestyle of people ten years younger (I was 33 and him 36 when we met). I won't go on. We were two broken people who together became whole. ENA calls it codependency, I call it love and two people destined for each other.

 

It simply is the matter of finding the right match.

 

Even though most often than not 2 broken people don't make a whole person, I believe that if the 2 work through the issues (not just one of the two), have good communication skills and respect the partner as in not expecting the partner to resolve all their needs and insecurities, then I think it can work.

 

It's Also important to access if like in your case it's the right person to go on that journey or not. Sometimes people try to fit someone who just won't fit.

 

I loved your story and I'm very glad everything worked out!

[irka000]

Lex, I read all your threads....and I did not realise someone can such similar situation, concerns as me....I understand you almost 99proc...believe me....

One thing, if I may suggest ...is to give him a room to contact you first to ask for Your plans, to make him plan and suggest.....

I am very insecure and anxiety kicks in more often than I would like to but I am really trying to refrain from initiating....and when he does, this feels good.

I know your man initiates already and you two are an item but let him miss you .... apparently love grows in a dark like mushrooms ( or something like that ).

My man doesnt contact me as often as other partners ....but I learned this does not necessarily means a wrong thing...I was dated a man for 8 months who had to have video calls with me daily , texted me and appeared to be the biggest cheater I ever met...

So I am trying to relax...and not think the worse when I feel the silence gets too loud.

[Honeycomb8]

Hi everyone, I really appreciate the time you took to respond. It really made me think of so much, and I do believe this all boils down to the fact that this is mostly me, doing this to myself. My boyfriend is an amazing guy. Sure, he doesn’t send mushy texts, he doesn’t sweet talk me, but he makes up for it when we are together. He’s certainly not a cold person towards me. I believe he just deals with stress, and just life in general, differently than I do.

 

To answer the questions about myself, no, I’ve never had this level of anxiety in a relationship. I think it’s because my ex bfs have always been there, and needed a lot of communication like I do. And I have only had two other serious relationships in my life. My first serious boyfriend out of high school that lasted 6 years, then soon after that relationship ended, I met my ex- husband. We were together 11 years before we got married, married for 7 years. We divorced because he became untrustworthy and I found out he was hiding a lot from me with regards to a “secret” job, was very shady, I no longer trusted him. After the divorce, I did not jump right into the dating pool. It was almost a year before I started dating again. Besides those serious relationships, I had short relationships after the divorce. Some just very casual. I was ok with not seeing some very often and did not felt the need to even talk to them every day. Which is why I’m a bit surprised I am this way towards my current bf. Maybe it’s because I truly have feelings for him and this is the first time I am serious about someone after having kids. And the fact that having kids would limit my time with him, living that distance will limit time, our careers limit our time. So now it’s something I have to worry about when in the past, I never had to. I don’t know...

 

But to update you all, he did in fact call me when he was on his way home on Saturday night, and talked to me for about an hour until he arrived home. Poor guy went to work early that morning, worked a few hours and took off fishing early. Went back so the cousin’s place and grilled up his catch. As some of you mentioned, he just wanted to disconnect I guess, he obviously saw I had called, but understandably just wanted to enjoy his time, then talk to me when the night was over. I actually did not nag, didn’t complain, didn’t even mention my text and call being ignored. I was upbeat, asked him how his day was, we laughed, shared stories, etc.

 

I know he tentatively has another family affair Wed/Thurs so I’m not betting on seeing him, which means this time, it will be almost two weeks. And I need to understand this is just a one off due to work, kids, family commitments, and things should revert back to how they were. My constant need of reaffirmation is what’s killing me here. He’s not great with expressing emotion with words, but my goodness he does when we’re together. And I have to remember that. For example, this morning we were texting and I wrote that I couldn’t wait until the next time I see him and that I miss him (guys, please don’t say that’s clingy because we have both said that to each other before), and he did not respond to that. I felt a little crappy but realized he’s done this before, but Saturday when he called me on his way home, I told him I missed him and he said he missed me too. So, I should not place so much weight on whether or not he texts something back. Fast forward to tonight... he initiated, just wanted to tell me about an accident that had happened and we were both joking around about it.

 

All in all, I need to realize that most of this is just me getting in my own head and I’m creating this. He’s never going to be warm and fuzzy over the phone, and there may be other times he is going to want to crawl into his cave, I just need to learn how to deal with it better than I have been.

 

You need to spend more time focusing on your own life and developing yourself to be a more well rounded person...Not making some guy you've barely dated half a year the center of your universe.

[East4]

Lex, thank you so much for coming back with an update and some info on your background, appreciated.

 

I'm joining the opinion that you might be bringing some residue from your marriage with an untrustabe husband into your current relationship. Your go-to reaction to your boyfriend's actions is distrust. An excerpt from post #26:

Itsallgrand, perhaps you’re right that he wants me to leave him alone for the weekend, but why not even a text to just tell me that? Instead, he is fine with leaving me to wonder if he is gone for good. I’m sure if he really did go fishing, they are done by now, and if things were ok between us, even if he wants space, he would have texted me by now just to let me know things are fine and/or he would talk to me tomorrow, etc.

When I read the bolded part, I was like "wait, why is she questioning that he went fishing?" I know why now, it is because many times your ex-husband had told you that he would go certain places, and then he went somewhere else. So, you learnt to not trust a man when he would say he's going somewhere. Now you do that with your boyfriend, although from your account of events he has not yet given you any objective reason to not be trusted. This distrust toward your ex-husband spills over your current relationship and you need to address this in therapy if this relationship is going to last.

 

Do not count on the chance that your bf will put up with your emotional bagage, like the partner of another poster here. And this is because your bf seems to be secure, while the other poster's partner was/is as insecure as she is. She gave a perfect description of two people with compatible insecurities who formed a co-dependent relationship based on their compatibility of insecurities. Something like a transaction of the sort "I'll put up with your bullshyt, because then it will be your turn to put up with mine." Does this sound like a definition of loving relationship? No, it doesn't, but it sure does sound like a definition of a co-dependent relationship.

A co-dependent relationship may feel very comfortable, like a pair of good old slippers. [ATTACH=CONFIG]11581[/ATTACH]

 

It may be very stable because fundamental insecurities that lock with somebody else's fundamental insecurities does provide a solid basis. But it is not love, because there is not admiration and respect for the partner. There's just a mutual acceptance of character flaws. And this is why a tell-tale sign of co-dependent relationship is the lack of sexual desire.

 

In contrast, love between two whole and secure people look like hot red latex stiletto shoes:[ATTACH=CONFIG]11582[/ATTACH]

Being in love is sometimes uncomfortable, like wearing high-heel shoes, but is galvanizing and desirable like hot read stilettos. And it is an art to walk on stileto shoes, the same like it is an art to be "à l'hauteur" in love.

 

 

Chose what you wanna wear, Lex.

[figureitout23]

Bless you east. Thought I was the only one confused why we were romanticizing codependence. Nope, nope, nope.

 

I’m sorry and I don’t mean any disrespect to anyone when I say this but I don’t think forcing your baggage onto people until someone finally accepts it is the best dating game plan.. call me crazy!

 

In fact I think it’s reckless, the original poster is acting needy and demanding and it’s pushing him away, so she should keep doing it more?!?

 

That just boggles my mind I must say.

 

You should heal yourself for YOU Lex.

 

Not to get a man.

 

Not to keep a man.

 

Not to make a man love you.

 

You should work on you because you deserve to be happy and comfortable in your own skin and capable of going out into the dating world to find a partner and not to prove yourself worthy. That’s one of the perks of being mentally healthy!

 

I know I say this ad nauseum but this is a perfect example of how we as a society disregard mental heath. We don’t get mentally healthy to date!!!!! Mental health is about YOU! We go to the Dr when we feel sick, we take our car to the mechanic when it acts up, we fill a hole in a sinking ship. The equivalent to fixing mental health with a relationship would be like painting over mold, just cause it’s not visible and you are capable of ignoring it doesn’t mean it isn’t slowly poisoning you.

 

Oy vey....