What’s the best way to address my concerns with him?

[Metaltwin70]

'..forcing your baggage onto people until someone finally accepts it'

 

That's not how I see it. IMHO and experience, there's no such thing as a baggage-less man or woman over about 30. I didn't force my baggage onto my husband and neither did he force his on me. We just met, clicked, fell madly in love, dealt/still deal with issues together, are still madly in love.

 

In case of the OP, I don't think her and her bf are a match. Doesn't make her this faulty human being who needs to therapy herself out of her core. The right person/match will accept her AS IS. It's as simple as that. Not everyone who's a part of a happy couple is a super happy confident perfect issue-less individual.

 

Lastly, here in the UK, I can just envision the convo at some London Harley St therapy clinic: 'And why are you here madam? How can I help you? Well doctor, I've just started seeing someone. I'm madly into him, want it to lead somewhere. He's not affectionate enough, hot and cold, comes and goes. I'm all anxious and worried and don't know how to cope. What do I do? Well Madam... welcome to life after 40????' Not that they'd say that of course. They'd say 'oh absolutely we can work on this together. This will take a minimum of 10 sessions @ £250 an hour. Would this be agreeable?'

 

Life's not a self-help book people!!

[Metaltwin70]

'But to update you all, he did in fact call me when he was on his way home on Saturday night, and talked to me for about an hour until he arrived home. Poor guy went to work early that morning, worked a few hours and took off fishing early. Went back so the cousin’s place and grilled up his catch. As some of you mentioned, he just wanted to disconnect I guess, he obviously saw I had called, but understandably just wanted to enjoy his time, then talk to me when the night was over. I actually did not nag, didn’t complain, didn’t even mention my text and call being ignored. I was upbeat, asked him how his day was, we laughed, shared stories, etc.'

 

___________

 

Lex,

 

Your update gives me hope for you!

 

:)

[Batya33]

'But to update you all, he did in fact call me when he was on his way home on Saturday night, and talked to me for about an hour until he arrived home. Poor guy went to work early that morning, worked a few hours and took off fishing early. Went back so the cousin’s place and grilled up his catch. As some of you mentioned, he just wanted to disconnect I guess, he obviously saw I had called, but understandably just wanted to enjoy his time, then talk to me when the night was over. I actually did not nag, didn’t complain, didn’t even mention my text and call being ignored. I was upbeat, asked him how his day was, we laughed, shared stories, etc.'

 

___________

 

Lex,

 

Your update gives me hope for you!

 

:)

 

Yes, what concerned me about her post was after all this time (and this is in the rest of her post) she continues to monitor and keep intensely on her radar who initiates texts, who says "I miss you" first, etc etc.

[figureitout23]

'..forcing your baggage onto people until someone finally accepts it'

 

That's not how I see it. IMHO and experience, there's no such thing as a baggage-less man or woman over about 30. I didn't force my baggage onto my husband and neither did he force his on me. We just met, clicked, fell madly in love, dealt/still deal with issues together, are still madly in love.

 

In case of the OP, I don't think her and her bf are a match. Doesn't make her this faulty human being who needs to therapy herself out of her core. The right person/match will accept her AS IS. It's as simple as that. Not everyone who's a part of a happy couple is a super happy confident perfect issue-less individual.

 

Lastly, here in the UK, I can just envision the convo at some London Harley St therapy clinic: 'And why are you here madam? How can I help you? Well doctor, I've just started seeing someone. I'm madly into him, want it to lead somewhere. He's not affectionate enough, hot and cold, comes and goes. I'm all anxious and worried and don't know how to cope. What do I do? Well Madam... welcome to life after 40????' Not that they'd say that of course. They'd say 'oh absolutely we can work on this together. This will take a minimum of 10 sessions @ £250 an hour. Would this be agreeable?'

 

Life's not a self-help book people!!

 

Metal your dismissal of mental heath is quite frankly scary to me, why are you so against it?

 

The lady doth protest too much methinks.

 

You literally said you were needy and insecure and demanding and jealous so yes you did force that upon people, I’m assuming multiple relationships until your husband accepted it. That’s your explanation minus the romance. That’s not a hit at your relationship or anything, again I think it’s reckless to advise other to use your method. Do you know how many people end up in failed codependence or abusive relationships ( raises hand) getting dumped over and over and over again because they cannot find anyone willing to accept needy demanding and insecure. Do you know how damaging that is?

 

I swear you sound like millionaire who inherited her money telling people how to work hard to get rich.

 

No one said you have to be perfect to be happy. Most people have baggage, I imagine it would be impossible to reach adulthood without something. I often say it’s about getting your baggage manageable not gone, I can carry around my backpack of bullsh*t. I’ll stumble, I’ll make mistakes but I’ll be ok and deep down I know that. Alternative would be dragging a huge duffel bag full of bowling balls, I stumble. I make mistakes and I’m so tired from the weight I don’t know that I’ll be ok so I accept anyone.

 

No you don’t walk into the therapist office and say it like that you go in and say:

 

I think dating is triggering some insecurities or anxieties in me I’m not quite sure but I am having a hard time coping. I got out of a nearly two decade marriage where the trust was completely broken. I had a string of casual relationships and now I’m with a guyi really like but my anxiety is really taking over more and more and It’s getting to unbearable levels I’m like a pendulum I go from loving his company and enjoying him to thinking he’s abandones me isnup to no good among other negative thought. I may be prematurely rejecting him, kinda like a self fulfilling prophecy. I don’t know how to manage this in a healthy way and I’m afraid it will affect all my romantic relationships until I figure it out can you help me?

[Batya33]

I think FIO is right about baggage and there are many generalizations one can make like that "everyone has baggage" "everyone gets needy" - to me those generalizations are irrelevant and not helpful. I certainly had baggage and I suppose my husband did too - kind of a given. My mother who is in her 80s spent time with us this past weekend when we were in our hometown. She saw us bicker some (not all out argue) about travel-related issues, saw us interact. She adores my husband, always has. She thinks I'm ok too. Anyway before I left Sunday she said uninitiated that she wanted me to know that she thinks we're really great together -that we "go together" because we complement each other -I rev him up (he is type B), he calms me down (type A here I guess!) -and that we are not "perfect" but that's besides the point. I agree it's about going together, foibles, flaws and all. Yes, I've read some marriage/relationship self-help books and yes I would read more -I'm picky because I don't have a lot of time and once Dr. JOy Browne passed away well -there went another great resource of relationship advice.

 

I think many people under 30 have baggage too -no shame in that. My sister was in a bad marriage for many years because she was over the moon in love at a time when she was desperate to be married and be a mom, when she was vulnerable to being controlled. So from the outside it looked great- head over heels, quicky engagement/marriage/big wedding, 4 kids, etc. And it wasn't (and yes she sought therapy over the years and yes they did together too -no shame in that).

 

Thanks FIO.

[Metaltwin70]

Nevermind.

[katrina1980]

Nevermind.

 

Hi Metal, what you post is always valuable, but I understand why you edited. I've done it too.

 

@fio, I'm a bit on the fence about this. So a question.

 

When two "damaged" people meet and feel a strong connection, which connection triggers certain fears and anxieties within both, could not it be possible for them to work through those issues, individually and together, while still remaining together, building a relationship?

 

That is what my boyfriend and I did, are still doing. The "working through" issues never stops.

 

I cannot imagine after meeting him and feeling such a strong connection which triggered certain fears and anxieties within both of us, saying "oh we should stop seeing each other, we both have too much "baggage" - too many issues, but take good care, bye."

 

Why not acknowledge together that okay, there are issues here that we both need to work through, but let's work through them together, and on our own, or try to, and see where that takes us?

 

Also I agree mental health is of supreme importance, I myself have a mental illness, bipolar 2, which I am able to manage most of the time, but not always and yes it does impact my relationships, including with my bf, in negative ways sometimes.

 

But he understands and helps to keep me grounded. He does not have a mental illness per se, but he struggles with his own fears, anxieties, issues sometimes, which I help him work through.

 

I dunno, maybe I am misinterpreting what you are saying/opining, and if so I apologize.

 

But I understand what Metal is saying; I did not interpret it as her disregarding mental health or seeking help when needed.

 

Rather, when you meet the "right" person for you, you can work through your issues together, and individually, and still ultimately develop and have a healthy, beautiful relationship, such as Metal has with her husband of 15 years. It is possible, you don't need to abort the entire relationship, or stop dating.

 

Just my $.02 and again, apologies if I've misinterpreted anything. :)

[Metaltwin70]

'When two "damaged" people meet and feel a strong connection, which connection triggers certain fears and anxieties within both, could not it be possible for them to work through those issues, individually and together, while still remaining together, building a relationship?'

 

'I cannot imagine after meeting him and feeling such a strong connection which triggered certain fears and anxieties within both of us, saying "oh we should stop seeing each other, we both have too much "baggage" - too many issues, but take good care, bye."

 

'Rather, when you meet the "right" person for you, you can work through your issues together, and individually, and still develop a healthy, beautiful relationship..'

___________

 

Hallelujah.

 

Thank you Katrina - that's essentially all I was trying to say; you've worded it much better!

 

And suffice it to say - without going into too much detail - I know all there is to know about mental illness and so does my husband - I shall leave it at that.

[dias]

'When two "damaged" people meet and feel a strong connection, which connection triggers certain fears and anxieties within both, could not it be possible for them to work through those issues, individually and together, while still remaining together, building a relationship?'

 

'I cannot imagine after meeting him and feeling such a strong connection which triggered certain fears and anxieties within both of us, saying "oh we should stop seeing each other, we both have too much "baggage" - too many issues, but take good care, bye."

 

'Rather, when you meet the "right" person for you, you can work through your issues together, and individually, and still develop a healthy, beautiful relationship..'

___________

 

Hallelujah.

 

Thank you Katrina - that's essentially all I was trying to say; you've worded it much better!

 

And suffice it to say - without going into too much detail - I know all there is to know about mental illness and so does my husband - I shall leave it at that.

 

Correct me if I am wrong but from your posts I understand that you just have different approach to situations/life Metal. You don't mind making mistakes and fixing them along the way. It's your approach. It's mine too.

 

On the other hand, other people prefer to fix the issues/problems (whatever that may be) first in order to avoid making mistakes.

 

There is no right or wrong. Whatever works for everyone.

[Metaltwin70]

Case in point: this couple I know. He was a friend of mine and my husband's for years; he met her something like 4 years ago.

 

Him: 53, VERY heavy drinker, not a pence to his name, living in shared flats (as you do in London where it costs £1000000000 to rent a garage), working as a self-employed gardener. That's just a few of his 'issues'. Extremely intelligent, charismatic, funny and also dead handsome.

 

Her: 60, not quite in his league booze-wise but getting there, finances in perfect order, beautiful own house in a great area, great job, savings, pensions, you name it. Attractive (although I always thought her lacking something looks-wise). Ah but then we come to 'baggage'. Horrifically physically and mentally abusive 'ex-husband' who she divorced years ago but who is very much still in her life, daily. A grown up daughter who's a female version of the husband - essentially mentally abusing her own mother whilst living in the mother's house rent-free. Dozens of heavy duty issues as a result. Him in the middle of all of those whilst they were dating.

 

Horror story right? Wrong. They met..dated, moved in together, dealt with just about every issue imaginable - see above. Eventually, being part of a couple again gave her strength to FINALLY sell the house and move hundreds of miles away thus eliminating all the horrors to do with ex husband.

 

Now? Living together happily in a new place. Both cut down on booze drastically. Solved various other issues. Content. Happy even.

 

Two people who together became a healthy(ish because healthy at this age is a myth) unit, whilst apart they were each a wreck of their own.

[katrina1980]

On its face, dias is correct; problem is imo, is one may believe they've done a fair job in resolving/fixing their issues, and are ready to date.

 

So they start dating and meet someone they strongly connect with, which brings to surface new issues, or even old issues that they thought they had resolved, but in fact did not.

 

We read threads like this all the time.

 

People posting how they've met this great person who told them they're wanting a "relationship," but once "in" the relationship, that same person bailing, announcing they "not ready."

 

Or worse, just ghosting, essentially running away, from the relationship, the person, versus 'standing still' with that person and working through issues together.

[Annia]

Yes, what concerned me about her post was after all this time (and this is in the rest of her post) she continues to monitor and keep intensely on her radar who initiates texts, who says "I miss you" first, etc etc.

 

Yes, because she gets temporary soothed when he replies but then she gets stressed again. It's a loop, a cycle. The root issue (which can be a mix of her issues and his way of being in a relationship not being compatible with her) is not solved, so the cycle continues. I predict a similar thread in the future as soon as he gets a bit off the expectation again (2 dates again or taking long to answer to texts) and doesn't reassure her right away.

[figureitout23]

Kat and Metal you’re both twisting my words to the extreme and I don’t quite understand why

 

And Kat go back she’s literally dismissed mental heath very blatantly.

 

Never did I ever say go hide in a corner from the world until you’re perfect, metal said that and Kat you seem to be running with that concept but it never left my mouth.

 

Manageable baggage is NORMAL. I’m amazed at the amount of times I have to say this, again never once did I say you have to be perfect to date.

 

If your baggage as in anxiety for example is so bad that it is affecting your day to day life and it’s consuming you, no it is not your partners ‘job’ to fix it and quite frankly Kat you yourself have said that plenty of times.

 

I’m sorry if I seem irritated I just really don’t like my words being twisted and I dislike even more this idea of being pro codependence. Partners can understand each others weaknesses and issues and fully accept one another, a partner should not have to endure controlling behaviors or having to constantly reassure someone or accusals when there is nothing wrong being done or any of that because the other person feels they have the right to act that way in relationships, that’s ridiculous to me.

[figureitout23]

Yes, because she gets temporary soothed when he replies but then she gets stressed again. It's a loop, a cycle. The root issue (which can be a mix of her issues and his way of being in a relationship not being compatible with her) is not solved, so the cycle continues. I predict a similar thread in the future as soon as he gets a bit off the expectation again (2 dates again or taking long to answer to texts) and doesn't reassure her right away.

 

Thank you for getting back on track Annia.

 

This situation is not sustainable long term, it’s not something to just keep doing, it will get worse.

[katrina1980]

Kat and Metal you’re both twisting my words to the extreme and I don’t quite understand why

 

And Kat go back she’s literally dismissed mental heath very blatantly.

 

Never did I ever say go hide in a corner from the world until you’re perfect, metal said that and Kat you seem to be running with that concept but it never left my mouth.

 

Manageable baggage is NORMAL. I’m amazed at the amount of times I have to say this, again never once did I say you have to be perfect to date.

 

If your baggage as in anxiety for example is so bad that it is affecting your day to day life and it’s consuming you, no it is not your partners ‘job’ to fix it and quite frankly Kat you yourself have said that plenty of times.

 

I’m sorry if I seem irritated I just really don’t like my words being twisted and I dislike even more this idea of being pro codependence. Partners can understand each others weaknesses and issues and fully accept one another, a partner should not have to endure controlling behaviors or having to constantly reassure someone or accusals when there is nothing wrong being done or any of that because the other person feels they have the right to act that way in relationships, that’s ridiculous to me.

 

Fio, I don't like my words twisted either, so I hear ya! But in my defense I did apologize in advance if I misinterpreted.

 

Which is easy to do on these forums, the written word can be very ambiguous sometimes, open to different interpretations even if the poster believes they are being clear. Happens to my posts all the time! Lol

 

Anyway, thank you for clarifying, I agree about no one being perfect and it's not your partner's job to fix your issues or endure controlling behaviours due to your fears, anxieties or other issues.

 

I do realize too though that some men (and women) enjoy the role of "helping," "fixing," being the white knight.

 

My feelings echo dias on this, whatever works for each couple. No right or wrong.

 

Not my place to judge another couple for how they choose to conduct their relationship..

 

Not suggesting you are judging, just giving my $.02 about it. :)

[catfeeder]

All in all, I need to realize that most of this is just me getting in my own head and I’m creating this. He’s never going to be warm and fuzzy over the phone, and there may be other times he is going to want to crawl into his cave, I just need to learn how to deal with it better than I have been.

 

This is good self observation. Recognition of a problem is the first step to resolving it. But given that it's not the ONLY step to resolving it, what do you propose that you do in order to learn how to self soothe and manage your anxiety before it turns into the next run-away train?

 

If this relationship matters enough for you to do the work behind this learning, what steps are you willing to take?

[Annia]

Kat and Metal you’re both twisting my words to the extreme and I don’t quite understand why

 

And Kat go back she’s literally dismissed mental heath very blatantly.

 

Never did I ever say go hide in a corner from the world until you’re perfect, metal said that and Kat you seem to be running with that concept but it never left my mouth.

 

Manageable baggage is NORMAL. I’m amazed at the amount of times I have to say this, again never once did I say you have to be perfect to date.

 

If your baggage as in anxiety for example is so bad that it is affecting your day to day life and it’s consuming you, no it is not your partners ‘job’ to fix it and quite frankly Kat you yourself have said that plenty of times.

 

I’m sorry if I seem irritated I just really don’t like my words being twisted and I dislike even more this idea of being pro codependence. Partners can understand each others weaknesses and issues and fully accept one another, a partner should not have to endure controlling behaviors or having to constantly reassure someone or accusals when there is nothing wrong being done or any of that because the other person feels they have the right to act that way in relationships, that’s ridiculous to me.

 

Maybe the issue here is the definition each person has of "manageable baggage". For me that's what most of us have, having been in previous relationships that left their mark and some insecurities we sometimes have. But it's the extent of this baggage and how we deal with it that makes into into manageable or not.

 

For example, let's assume a person was cheated in the past and has problems with abandonment. No one is saying that this person should never date again, but it's their responsibility to seek therapy if the damage is too much and/or to aknowledge this issue to themselves and before getting on a control freak rampage over their partner because of their past, find methods to self-sooth. "I'm feeling insecure because my partner has female friends and I have bad cheating experiences in the past BUT I know it's not my partner's role to pay for my past partner's wrongdoings and I'm NOT going to control, snoop and let these insecurities take over the relationship. If this I feel extreme anxiety and I'm unable to stop thinking about it, I'll go into therapy". This is not denying that the person has baggage or refraining forever from relationships "before being perfect" like it was implied in an exaggerated manner by Metal and Kat, it's instead taking responsibility for how we feel and how we act with it.

 

No, it's not a partner's role to constantly reassure and sooth a person's insecurities. It's not a partner's role either to be a therapist. Even if both are "messed up" and both feel the need that the partner soothes, this exchange of "putting up with each other's insecurities and fixing each other" doesn't make it healthier.

 

Of course that if a partner wants to assume that role and put up with a person's deep insecurity that it's not under control they are free to do it or if two people's "messed up" are "compatible" and they like it like that it's their choice, but it's also perfectly understandable if a partner doesn't want to put up with such unhealthy dynamics and with having to constantly reassure their partner or put up with destructive behaviour. Being in a relationship doesn't mean suddenly forgetting our boundaries nor does it mean that suddenly we're free of the responsibility to have our issues under control.

 

In the case of the OP no, it's not his role to walk on eggshells with her and reassuring her all the time. No, it doesn't make it romantic if he puts up with that for the sake of mantaning the relationship. However, it's her responsibility to either deal with the root causes of her anxiety and learn self soothing mechanisms or admit that maybe someone who triggers her insecurity so much, for whatever reason, might not be the right person for her given her issues or she might even come to the conclusion that he's in fact not as invested. Both of these options are perfectly fine and don't include burdening someone with her cycle of anxiety.

[Metaltwin70]

'she’s literally dismissed mental heath very blatantly.'

 

Nope, I did no such thing.

 

I said I didn't believe in therapy for 'life' issues such as the OP's.

 

We have a different definition of what constitutes mental health issues. To me, a mental health issue warranting psychiatric therapy is, as an example, severe clinical depression. To me, OP is not mentally ill in any way. It is of course entirely up to her to go for therapy if she so wishes.

 

I tried 'therapy' twice. Hated it both times, found it a complete waste of my time and emotional energy - thank **** we've got NHS (National Health Service) here in the UK and both times were free.

 

What I don't believe in is wasting money on non-medical therapy.

[Metaltwin70]

'In the case of the OP no, it's not his role to walk on eggshells with her and reassuring her all the time.'

 

_________

 

Whilst I do agree with this statement to an extent, let me give you an example. My husband and I had been together for 6 months or so; his ex whom he broke up with just before meeting me badly wanted him back and made it very clear by her actions. One of those actions was this: we're all into the same kind of music, same bands; she burnt him a CD of a band we all like with a note to the effect of 'this is for you my beloved' or some such and sent it to him by post; he brought it to mine all happy, 'look? super isn't? we can listen to this?'. At 6 months, I was IN-SAN-E-LY jealous. Jealous jealous jealous of shadows even, let alone exes and their loving thoughtful presents. He was/is very good looking, 'tall dark and handsome' multiplied by 3. I was MAD-LY in love with him.

 

I went nuts. N-U-T-S. Yelled. Cried. Accused. Ranted and raved. Cried some more. Accused some more. On and on. For the best part of an hour (several glasses of wine in my system didn't help). He tried to reason with me. To reassure me that NOTHING was still going on between them. That he was NOT interested in her anymore. That her present meant nothing to him besides what it was - a free music CD. I would not see reason. On and on. He, finally, grabs the damn thing and goes: 'now look. look here. look what I'm doing'. And with this he breaks the thing in four pieces and throws it into the rubbish bin.

 

OMG. It felt like an abscess burst. Like someone's poured a huge bucket of cold water over me. I literally just shut up. Shut up, thanked him profusely and spent the next hour apologising for my unreasonable behaviour. Bought him the CD next day.

 

Moral of the story: if he wasn't my perfect match he'd turn this around on me and say 'I have the right to get (loving and thoughtful) presents from my (adoring) ex (whom I more or less left for you) and to hell with you, go work on your issues'. But he was/is my match. He KNEW. He knew what to do. Instinctively, knew how to make me see sense. I've since returned the favour about 300 times.

[figureitout23]

Maybe the issue here is the definition each person has of "manageable baggage". For me that's what most of us have, having been in previous relationships that left their mark and some insecurities we sometimes have. But it's the extent of this baggage and how we deal with it that makes into into manageable or not.

 

For example, let's assume a person was cheated in the past and has problems with abandonment. No one is saying that this person should never date again, but it's their responsibility to seek therapy if the damage is too much and/or to aknowledge this issue to themselves and before getting on a control freak rampage over their partner because of their past, find methods to self-sooth. "I'm feeling insecure because my partner has female friends and I have bad cheating experiences in the past BUT I know it's not my partner's role to pay for my past partner's wrongdoings and I'm NOT going to control, snoop and let these insecurities take over the relationship. If this I feel extreme anxiety and I'm unable to stop thinking about it, I'll go into therapy". This is not denying that the person has baggage or refraining forever from relationships "before being perfect" like it was implied in an exaggerated manner by Metal and Kat, it's instead taking responsibility for how we feel and how we act with it.

 

No, it's not a partner's role to constantly reassure and sooth a person's insecurities. It's not a partner's role either to be a therapist. Even if both are "messed up" and both feel the need that the partner soothes, this exchange of "putting up with each other's insecurities and fixing each other" doesn't make it healthier.

 

Of course that if a partner wants to assume that role and put up with a person's deep insecurity that it's not under control they are free to do it or if two people's "messed up" are "compatible" and they like it like that it's their choice, but it's also perfectly understandable if a partner doesn't want to put up with such unhealthy dynamics and with having to constantly reassure their partner or put up with destructive behaviour. Being in a relationship doesn't mean suddenly forgetting our boundaries nor does it mean that suddenly we're free of the responsibility to have our issues under control.

 

In the case of the OP no, it's not his role to walk on eggshells with her and reassuring her all the time. No, it doesn't make it romantic if he puts up with that for the sake of mantaning the relationship. However, it's her responsibility to either deal with the root causes of her anxiety and learn self soothing mechanisms or admit that maybe someone who triggers her insecurity so much, for whatever reason, might not be the right person for her given her issues or she might even come to the conclusion that he's in fact not as invested. Both of these options are perfectly fine and don't include burdening someone with her cycle of anxiety.

 

OMG Annia thank you so much for writing out what I was too irritated to.

 

This is perfect.

 

Metal - yes you have been blantantly dismissive and critical, you made multiple comments about how ENA blindly pushes therapy you said, “ENA calls it codependence I call it love”. I can think of 3 times in the past couple of days alone where you’ve been critical of ENA posters suggesting therapy as if it’s a dirty word.

 

I don’t know what kind of therapy you’ve gone through but the world I live in therapy does help with ‘life’ kinda literally too. OPers “life” issues which are anxiety so bad that she’s a pendulum swinging from hate and love because she lacks the skills to self soothe and she has unresolved trust issues, I don’t see how you’re advising someone to just ignore it, I mean even if therapy isn’t the answer which hey it may not be, ignoring it certainly isn’t!

 

I don’t get why you keep posting stories about your relationship as if I’m going to suddenly be like “wow that’s so romantic” infact each story gets a little more “wow...yikes” to me.

 

Look were not going to agree here, in fact, I don’t think I’ve disagreed with someone more on this board, so I’d prefer the subject just be dropped and hope the OPer comes back to update. You arguing with advice and subtle digs aren’t to help her at all. Again the lady protests too much methinks.

 

Hope you have a good day.

 

OPer I hope this derailment hasn’t stopped you from updating, I hope what was previously said gets through.

[catfeeder]

Maybe the issue here is the definition each person has of "manageable baggage". For me that's what most of us have, having been in previous relationships that left their mark and some insecurities we sometimes have. But it's the extent of this baggage and how we deal with it that makes into into manageable or not.

 

Thank you, Annia. There's no need to apply all-or-nothing, black-and-white extremes to any problem when we can think in terms of a spectrum. On a a scale fo 1 to 10, how manageable is this for me? Or, in the case of relationships, how likely am I to blow things up with this person who I want to keep in my life?

 

Lex, so far you've managed to tamp down the urge to take your Defcon level reactions straight to the guy by venting here. But that doesn't mean you're not having those extreme reactions in the first place. So what kind of work are you willing to do to learn the self control that won't have you coming out sideways all over the guy when you least expect it?

[Metaltwin70]

'Look were not going to agree here, in fact I don’t think I’ve disagreed with someone more on this board'

 

________________

 

You'll be glad to hear the feeling is mutual! :)

 

(SORRY Lex!)

[Batya33]

'In the case of the OP no, it's not his role to walk on eggshells with her and reassuring her all the time.'

 

_________

 

Whilst I do agree with this statement to an extent, let me give you an example. My husband and I had been together for 6 months or so; his ex whom he broke up with just before meeting me badly wanted him back and made it very clear by her actions. One of those actions was this: we're all into the same kind of music, same bands; she burnt him a CD of a band we all like with a note to the effect of 'this is for you my beloved' or some such and sent it to him by post; he brought it to mine all happy, 'look? super isn't? we can listen to this?'. At 6 months, I was IN-SAN-E-LY jealous. Jealous jealous jealous of shadows even, let alone exes and their loving thoughtful presents. He was/is very good looking, 'tall dark and handsome' multiplied by 3. I was MAD-LY in love with him.

 

I went nuts. N-U-T-S. Yelled. Cried. Accused. Ranted and raved. Cried some more. Accused some more. On and on. For the best part of an hour (several glasses of wine in my system didn't help). He tried to reason with me. To reassure me that NOTHING was still going on between them. That he was NOT interested in her anymore. That her present meant nothing to him besides what it was - a free music CD. I would not see reason. On and on. He, finally, grabs the damn thing and goes: 'now look. look here. look what I'm doing'. And with this he breaks the thing in four pieces and throws it into the rubbish bin.

 

OMG. It felt like an abscess burst. Like someone's poured a huge bucket of cold water over me. I literally just shut up. Shut up, thanked him profusely and spent the next hour apologising for my unreasonable behaviour. Bought him the CD next day.

 

Moral of the story: if he wasn't my perfect match he'd turn this around on me and say 'I have the right to get (loving and thoughtful) presents from my (adoring) ex (whom I more or less left for you) and to hell with you, go work on your issues'. But he was/is my match. He KNEW. He knew what to do. Instinctively, knew how to make me see sense. I've since returned the favour about 300 times.

 

I think it depends how often that happens and it is not our SO's job to reassure us constantly - again it's a spectrum. A close friend of mine went through a loooonngg phase where she was irrationally imagining that her husband didn't find her attractive anymore, that he found other women attractive, etc. I don't think she thought he was cheating. She wasn't cheating or checking out other guys so no it wasn't that kind of thing. Anyway she would drive him nuts when they were out and about questioning him, testing him, etc. He finally said to her that he had reached his limit and it really wasn't fair to subject him to her deep insecurities (yes she admitted it was on her, she knew, it was just out of control). So she went to therapy and they went to marriage counseling -she recognized that she was driving him away, she owned her insecurities, she owned her responsibility in working on it.

 

Some years later they separated and divorced. He never cheated on her or did anything remotely inappropriate (neither did she) -it was not related. I am sure that part of her insecurities was her feeling trapped, controlled, in a bad relationship but she never, ever thought it was his job to make her feel better when she had those irrational fears and vented. I mean once she realized how she was making bad choices. Certainly it reflected other issues in the marriage but it didn't excuse her behavior or justify burdening him with soothing her. She has lots of criticisms of how he treated her but this was not one of them.

 

I went through phases with ex boyfriends (not my husband after we got back together) where I'd want reassurance from them that we were right together even though there was nothing they could do for me to resolve my doubts -it was nothing they were doing or not doing. It wasn't fair of me to do that to the extent I did. Sure they did not walk away (one did but after several years but there were other issues) but I realize how wrong it was of me to subject those guys to my fears/doubts in the way I did. That was my job to deal with in a mature way and minimize how I expressed it to them. Again -not perfection -certainly minimal stuff like that should be fine -every couple is different but I could not disagree more that it's our partner's job to soothe us to the extent described. And the partner who is into that and likes that role most likely is not a healthy person available for a healthy relationship. I don't think that describes a perfect match at all for a healthy relationship. It can for an unhealthy one. We can agree to disagree.

[Metaltwin70]

'very couple is different but I could not disagree more that it's our partner's job to soothe us to the extent described. And the partner who is into that and likes that role most likely is not a healthy person available for a healthy relationship. I don't think that describes a perfect match at all for a healthy relationship. It can for an unhealthy one. We can agree to disagree.'

 

Oh we're not 'healthy' in any way shape or form. We're been very un-healthily very happy together for 15 years, and our ways work for us. Yep, agree to disagree.

[Batya33]

'very couple is different but I could not disagree more that it's our partner's job to soothe us to the extent described. And the partner who is into that and likes that role most likely is not a healthy person available for a healthy relationship. I don't think that describes a perfect match at all for a healthy relationship. It can for an unhealthy one. We can agree to disagree.'

 

Oh we're not 'healthy' in any way shape or form. We're been very un-healthily very happy together for 15 years, and our ways work for us. Yep, agree to disagree.

 

Right so to me that is off topic. I thought the discussion here was about what is healthy in a relationship including how the OP can react in a healthful way. Certainly there are many unhealthy relationships and not just romantic ones. I was assuming we were giving advice about healthy relationships.