My new partner went MIA on his trip.

[Annia]

I think that though everything went fine you need to relax and dial down the anxiety on this relationship or it might affect it negatively in the future. If you're official and committed even though it's still very new, you shouldn't be worried about who initiates contact, or if contacting him will make him leave or if he'll suddenly change his mind. It doesn't do you or the relationship good. Get busy and do other stuff. Also remember that throughout a relationship you can't expect the same level of effort/contact all the time like him initiating all the time. At some point it's normal that it shifts to a more balanced initiation like 50/50 when people feel more comfortable and relaxed. So I wouldn't take it him not having initiated contact a couple of times like a bad sign of anything.

[Eliza50]

After my call to him yesterday I felt wierd ( in general he is always initiating the contact ...like 90 proc of time ). However when he called back a few minutes after our conversation, I felt much better. Still feeling good. I guess I received my dose of his attention....doesn't sound great , I know

Today he sent me photo of him and wrote that he missed me.

I was very happy.

Tomorrow he will celebrate New year Eve sooner than me....he said he will probably celebrate at the hotel where there is a celebration prepared for all guests.

Do I contact him at HIS midnight to wish him happy new year or should I leave him be ?

I don't want him to think I check on him ....

 

1.Why does he always have to be the one to initiate contact?

 

2. Of course you should contact him to wish him HNY if you feel like it. Why would he feel like you're checking on him?

 

3. Why are you so insecure about this relationship? It doesn't make sense to me. Unless there is something you haven't told us.

[Wiseman2]

Send him a nice pic/test on New Years. Your Time. If he wants to send you the same, great but don't sit around with the international time-zone clock all calculated. Take a deep breath. Enjoy your New Years and let him enjoy his. Don't sit by the phone or watch the clock. Focus on your and your friends/family local festivities.

Do I contact him at HIS midnight to wish him happy new year or should I leave him be ? I don't want him to think I check on him ....

[irka000]

Thank you All so much....it means a lot....I am initiating more now..slowly ...and I will in order to create a balance. I know beginnings are fragile and I wanted ensure we are on the same page....why ? That he is really interested. Maybe am old fashioned, insecure or both....he didn't mind that ...he likes the old fashioned me....

When I feel and safe and comfortable I do initiate more and I am more current lol

Thank you for the words of wisdom. I will send him a voice message with wishes ...don't want to surprise him with video as I don't want to disturb him much.

He sent me a nice message this morning and I am quite surprised how we went from almost nothing to a regular contact...am enjoying this.

I will not be checking midnight on my watch as am sure he has a lot people to call here back in UK..if he will call me I will be even happier

Thank you all again and have a fab 2019 !

[irka000]

Was wondering if you could share your thoughts on this....my bf returned from trip and contacted me right away. We spent the next two days together. It was lovely.

However, I can sense some changes in his contact patterns...before the trips there were good morning and good night texts and quick calls or texts during lunches....

It is 3rd day back to work and he called me once yesterday at work and that is it. Not a word today.

He also says " I will call you later " and doesn't...

I am wondering if he had a change of heart and the meeting after his trip was just to confirm it , be intimate etc...

He did make plans with me for this coming Saturday but there is certainly less contact.

Also always after we part ways he will text to let me know he got home or to simply express his enjoyment of our time together.

After he left my place last Sunday, he didn't contact me....he said he fall asleep when got home. I get that cause he didn't rest after trip...

 

Can I communicate this or would this be too much ?

It's almost like he continues the holidays contact pattern....

 

Am I being paranoid?

[mustlovedogs]

Could it be possible he’s catching up on life after coming back?

[katrina1980]

Serious question.

 

When you’re in a RL, a long term relationship (even though this isn’t anywhere near close to that yet), do you expect your boyfriend to behave the exact same way throughout the entire RL as he did in the “beginning”?

 

With no deviation from his earlier behavior, he must behave the exact same way as he did in the beginning, even after months/years together, otherwise you stress that he’s losing interest or had a change of heart, or just in it for the sex?

 

You just spent two days straight with him, which you described as lovely -- let the guy breeeeeeath!!!

[bluecastle]

To be blunt: yes, you're being paranoid.

 

Now, I don't mean that to imply that everything is perfect—maybe it is, maybe it's not. Maybe, as is generally the case, it's all somewhere in the middle, that place we call reality.

 

But this is paranoid thinking. He's been back a few days. He contacted you, you spent two lovely days together, and has weekend plans. And now he's settling back in. And you guys are still settling into whatever you are.

 

Communication may waver a bit, as I bet it does with anyone in your life. If you can't handle those slight pivots—because what you're describing are very, very slight—without needing to have a summit about to address them it's hard for me to see this working. For whatever it's worth, last time I went to Asia (to Thailand, and not to sleep with hookers) it took me about a week to recover from the jet lag.

 

And I'm not saying that to point the finger at you, or to make you feel like some paranoid madwoman. No, you're hardly that. You're strong and awesome. But something about this situation has you unnerved—jittery instead of calm—and I'd take some time to figure out what that is. Is it just your doubts about his interest? Is it doubts about your own interest? Is it fears connected to past experience? Or is it a gut read on him and the depth of your connection? And so on...

 

My advice, to avoid going into this spin zone every 24-72 hours based on texting, is to give yourself a more realistic window to just be in this. Two weeks, a month, whatever works for you. Take that time and just be and let him be. A lovely moment here, an anxious one there, but without infusing either with Meaning. They are moments. Let them stack up and then assess what you see and feel.

[bluecastle]

Small addition: Whenever I find myself this fixated on the behavior of another person I have to kind of own that something is up with me. Namely, that I'm maybe a little bored and, without realizing it, became a little hooked on someone being the answer to my boredom. Stirring a pot to have something to stir. Teenage stuff.

 

So contrary to what I said above, about going into analysis/introspection mode, just go do something else when you get itchy. Channel this energy elsewhere, where it will serve you better. Odds are high that you'll find all this just mellowing out...

[katrina1980]

 

My advice, to avoid going into this spin zone every 24-72 hours based on texting, is to give yourself a more realistic window to just be in this. Two weeks, a month, whatever works for you. Take that time and just be and let him be. A lovely moment here, an anxious one there, but without infusing either with Meaning. They are moments. Let them stack up and then assess what you see and feel.

 

This^ is awesome advice!! Especially the bolded, but all of it really.

 

I hope you can follow it irka, it might mean the difference between this working out long term or fizzling out before it ever really got started.

[katrina1980]

 

So contrary to what I said above, about going into analysis/introspection mode, just go do something else when you get itchy. Channel this energy elsewhere, where it will serve you better. Odds are high that you'll find all this just mellowing out...

 

More great advice!

 

Take up yoga! Or go for a run. Seriously both those things calm me down tremendously when my anxieties act up! Pertaining to anything, not just my relationships.

[bluecastle]

Adding to yoga (which I love) and running (which I hate) a short list of things to do before talking to him: walk around the block and take notice of three things that are beautiful; get a massage; have a drink; text all your friends and make plans for every day but Saturday; smile at a cute man; think about someone you know who is struggling with something and ask them how they're doing; binge watch a teen drama; take a nap; buy yourself something small and tiny, like a random object that looks good on a bookshelf and will make you happy forever; get a pedicure; do a weird Korean face mask; have another drink...

 

I'll leave it there. Dip into that arsenal, or one of your own devising, and I bet you'll forget what you wanted to ask about because you won't be anxious anymore.

[katrina1980]

bc, I don't particularly like running either, plus my right knee is bad from it, but being bipolar 2, it was the only thing that calmed me down for awhile - more so than yoga even!

[Batya33]

Could it be possible he’s catching up on life after coming back?

 

This is my impression/thought as well.

[purplepaisley]

I also think you need to take a step back and just relax and enjoy. Believe me, I understand your anxiety around a change in behaviors...you just never know...but the big picture is everything is going really well, I think you do need to get out of your head a little and just enjoy the ride and find a "new normal" now that the frenzy of the holidays is over. Maybe daily goodmornings and goodnights are in the past, but there's nothing wrong with you shooting off a text here and there when you're in the mood. Match his style but follow your own desires. Chances are, he'll try to match your style while following his own texting/communication style as well. Settle into just enjoying his company. We know there are no guarantees, but I think you won't really get a chance to just enjoy and see if this can grow if you fret and your anxiety creates friction. Reinvestigate in a few weeks when life gets back into some normalcy.

[irka000]

I cannot express enough how grateful I am for all your responses, comments, advice and words of wisdom. Thank you so much.

I was entering the panicking stage and wanted to ask him if he had a change of heart. Thanks to you all, I keep my cool and behave as I didn't notice the change in the contact changes.

I am warm and friendly.

Bluecastle, you are so insightful! So so wise! I literally took a screenshot of your comments and keep reading them. They gave me a great boost of confidence and calmness.

It is truth that I have more time on my hands and boredom makes me think ...and these are usually negative thoughts.

Also , you so so right about giving a larger window to observe his behaviour and not two or three days. I do sound ridiculous, isn't ?

If I wouldn't care ,I would t even notice that there were any changes...but the moment I start care I put him on pedestal and worry ...wait when this going to go wrong or end! This is sick !

Katrina, my dearest , you are right ...with time the frequency of the contact do change... although I do have friends who keep almost constant contact with their partners throughout a day....

I wonder if I could ask him what works for him ....and tell him what would work for me contact wise

At the beginning he texted a lot and I said I prefer calls cause I type all day at work. He took this on board right away and added calls. It was a perfect balance. After this trip he nearly stopped texting and 2 days ago I missed his call and later he said he was going to ask me for a drink. I said he could leave a message or text and he said ...you don't like texting ....weird thing to say after all these months ( not including break up)

 

I will tell you all what here worried me ....I thought after the trip he will be all over me ....more than ever...bit seems like he maintains that level of contact from the trip....

 

True , he spent with me two days a day after his return( 8pm Sat till next day 9pm to be specific).

 

Thanks to you all I will just enjoy the time we have and focus on being and let him be....he is way more busy than I am workwise and other way.

Purple and Batya, thank you so much ....I will just let him live his life without nagging .... Must love dogs you are right, he is certainly busy with catching up....and didn't actually had a time to himself since return.

Katrina and Bluecastle , you both made think....I realised I am ecstatic when with him but 2, 3 days without contact and I feel and behave with a distance. Almost as I would think he changed overnight. I need than time to get familiar again ...I think this must be tiring for him. It looks like I need daily contact ( once a day suffices ) to maintain a familiarity and bond. Like a daily dose to be alright. Otherwise I shutdown....that's not healthy....

Oh dear ...I do need to let him breathe ... otherwise he will run....

Thank you All again

[boltnrun]

You sound a lot like Lex (another poster...can't remember her exact user name) who had a something like 40 page thread on how disappointed she was in her date's texting frequency. She too "needed" daily contact and is dating a man who does not. I'm not sure how that was ever resolved.

 

Ask yourself...what does a daily phone call do for you for it to be an absolute requirement in order for you to feel "familiar and bonded"?

[katrina1980]

 

Ask yourself...what does a daily phone call do for you for it to be an absolute requirement in order for you to feel "familiar and bonded"?

 

bolt presents an interesting question to ponder, almost asked it myself but I think I know the answer (at least for some), even though it doesn’t necessarily apply to me (not anymore because I understand where that need came from).

 

I think it’s more about what the lack of calling/texting represents not necessarily that one needs to have contact every day to maintain their interest or connection.

 

In the anxious insecure’s person mind, it represents their partner not caring as much, not being “into them” as much -- I mean in their mind, if their partner did and were, their partner would be calling/texting more, right? IMO, no it means NO such thing, texting/calling and caring/having high interest are NOT mutually exclusive.

 

Think about it. Let’s say your partner were in the armed forces, and wasn’t able to maintain daily contact. Would you still feel disconnected?

 

My guess would be no because you wouldn’t be associating the lack of contact as meaning they don’t care/aren’t into you, it would not be about YOU, it would be about him not being able to/allowed to because he’s in the navy, army, whatever and daily contact with loved ones just isn’t possible.

 

Or let's say he had just had a serious operation or has a illness and was/is out of it for a time and couldn't maintain daily contact. Would you still feel disconnected? My guess is no (I could be wrong).

 

In short, it’s your mind frame, associating certain behaviors with representing/meaning certain things, which have zero to do with reality, they're assumptions based on anxieties/insecurities or preconceived notions of how relationships are '"supposed to" be, which imo are really the kiss of death in any blossoming relationship.

 

Something to consider anyway.

[irka000]

Thank you Katrina ...I do understand what do you mean and naturally a lot depends on circumstances....if he would be somewhere where he wouldn't have access to the phone, than I wouldn't worry. However he does...

Am trying to be reasonable cause the fact I don't contact my friends for days does not mean I forgot about them...I just hope him contacting less does not mean backing off....

I hope tomorrow when we will meet, I won't feel weird or behave weird ....just thought daily contact allow people to be in others life more and let them in more...date once a week is not a lot hence I thought the daily contact would help...to maintain the closeness.

We will see but am anxious ...

[katrina1980]

 

....just thought daily contact allow people to be in others life more and let them in more...date once a week is not a lot hence I thought the daily contact would help...to maintain the closeness.

 

 

I think if you can remember that this^ is your mindframe, and not everyone's, you might feel less anxious.

 

Not everyone (neither all men nor all women) need daily contact to maintain connection to their partner.

 

In fact, in many cases it's the opposite, more so for men in my experience.

 

Many men need a bit of distance to maintain their connection. Which may be true for this man, maybe not, but making baseless assumptions about what his lack of texting every day means is useless at this point, and imo based on your own anxieties and again, pre-conceived notions of how relationships are "supposed" to be.

 

In the early stages, my bf and I definitely did not talk/text every day. Hardly!! But it didn't matter, we didn't need to, the connection was there and not going anywhere, we didn't need it to stay connected.

 

In fact the bit of distance served us well, it allowed us to think about and miss each other! Which enhanced our relationship.

 

Oh sure there were times I felt a bit of uncertainty, within him and within myself too, but I think that's just par for the course, I didn't allow it to consume me.

 

It disappeared eventually as we spent more time and our relationship strengthened, and I can say in all honesty it had zero do to with defining things, becoming official or confirming we were exclusive after almost three months.

 

The certainty came from within our hearts.

[bluecastle]

We will see but am anxious ...

 

If you go into this meeting with the mindset above—well, no disrespect, but there is nothing to "see." Anxious going in, you will be anxious going out. Maybe not right away—because it'll be fun and lovely and send you momentarily to the moon—but a pattern, dare I say, is emerging.

 

This is why I stress finding ways to handle that anxiety first, and more generally. Me, rest assured that I'm not some zen monk who has found enlightenment, nor is my heart reinforced by steel. I've gotten panicky myself when the texting ebbs and flows, and so on.

 

Part of how I handle that is to simply note that dating and romance (and texting) is anxiety inducing. My work is anxiety inducing too. Is what it is. Mystery solved, therefore not so mysterious. A tree is a tree is a tree. Anxiety is anxiety is anxiety.

 

Step two is that arsenal of self-soothing, whatever it is, so you're not meeting up with people (especially newish people) waiting to see if they soothe or don't. Tests created to decrease anxiety are constricted from anxiety and, therefore, will only fuel anxiety. There is no passing.

 

If I'm nervous going into a romantic situation—nervous, say, that she might be "backing away"—I will first do something to remind myself of what I know, deep down, is true: she can back away all she wants, if that's where she's heading, and I'll be fine. That gives me space to, you know, actually just be with her and appreciate her.

 

Maybe it's a reading a book on my very nice sofa that I can afford because I do well for myself, maybe it's tearing through a road on the motorcycle and feeling like a superhero, maybe it's a yoga class. Doesn't matter.

 

Sometimes I forget all this, of course. Sometimes I go into a dinner thinking "let's see if these anxieties lessen." And those dinners, by and large, suck.

 

When she touches my hand everything is awesome! When she zones out and/or looks at her phone OMG she's backing away! But, wait, now she's touching my forearm! Oh, no, now she's saying she's tried! Except, hold up, now we are having some seriously hot sex and she's looking at me like I've never been looked at! Then, come morning, she's kind of detached and busy and, I dunno, maybe backing away?!

 

Spin cycle.

 

That's just anxiety, blocking out reality, you know? Maybe she's backing away, but just wanted another shot at an orgasm. Maybe she's just an awesome, tired woman who had an important text, loves touching my forearm, enjoyed having sex with me, had a busy morning, and can't wait to do it again next week. But if my lens is clogged by anxiety going in I won't see any of it.

 

As for the specific texting/daily contact stuff: ugh. Personally, I think we've kind of destroyed our collective integrity through smartphones, because everyone is so in touch with everyone all the time that no one knows how to be bored with dignity. All that communication, really, has made a lot of people a lot more anxious than they were before these dumb devices existed. We're like drug addicts, obsessed with the next hit. Drug addicts, for the record, very quickly come to despise the drug. Too much power over them.

 

You're my age, so you remember those pre-smartphone days too. Me, rather than pretend my object of romantic interest is deployed in a war zone or recovering from open heart surgery when she goes a little chilly over text, I just remind myself of, I don't know, 1998-2008, when a "had a great time, can't wait for Saturday" message on my answering machine was enough to allow me to swoon, with zero anxiety, for a week. I remember that I like my space as well. I rememberer that, above all, I love the mystery of another person—the questions, not the answers.

[katrina1980]

 

Me, rather than pretend my object of romantic interest is deployed in a war zone or recovering from open heart surgery when she goes a little chilly over text, I just remind myself of, I don't know, 1998-2008, when a "had a great time, can't wait for Saturday" message on my answering machine was enough to allow me to swoon, with zero anxiety, for a week. I remember that I like my space as well. I rememberer that, above all, I love the mystery of another person—the questions, not the answers.

 

Just wanted to clarify I was presenting a hypothetical, not asking her to "pretend" anything.

 

The rest of what's posted above I agree with.

[bluecastle]

Just wanted to clarify I was presenting a hypothetical, not asking her to "pretend" anything.

 

The rest of what's posted above I agree with.

 

Oh, I was just being a little flip, K.

 

I can only speak for myself, but there's a funny thing that happens for me when I find myself obsessing about something like text message frequency. Whatever my feelings are for the person, no matter how grand, I just refuse to be someone whose emotional equilibrium can be jostled by, say, emojis (or the lack of emojis).

 

So if I find myself getting sucked into those waters—and it happens—I find a way out of them, on my own, not by asking for more emojis. And every time I do that I feel better.

[reinventmyself]

I am going to mix things up a bit and share that though I am very much independent, I require maybe more time apart then most but at the same time I still need some form of consistent contact to feel connected. Whatever that may be. Consistent can be personally defined.( I realize that sounds contradictory )

 

I was married to a fireman for 18 years. It provided me the space I desired but our personal struggles were due the break in connection. He would return home after an extended period and want to pick up right where we left off. For me, I needed some time to reconnect. It was a constant adjustment and readjustment for us.

I am still sensitive to this now. I do not need constant contact with my now bf, but in the absence of it I need time to reestablish a connection. The swinging back and forth does not feel healthy, so if we can chat at least once a day and catch up it doesn't happen. Without it, it doesn't make me anxious, I just merely disconnect.

 

So, depending on the OP's temperament I'd be careful telling her that she is somehow in the wrong for not being able to appreciate to extended breaks in communication and that her lack of feeling connected was merely due to her anxiety.

There isn't a one size fits all answer to this.

 

We are quick to scold those who want or need contact. She isn't asking for anything out of the ordinary. And a couple days of silence is not ordinary for their relationship. I might question it as well.

 

A question asked earlier:

Ask yourself...what does a daily phone call do for you for it to be an absolute requirement in order for you to feel "familiar and bonded"?

 

I can confidently say, yes. It may not be an absolute requirement, but to feel familiar and bonded, yes.

And no, this doesn't come from an anxious or insecure place.

I am just owning what feels right for me. At the same time I respect that it's not the same for everyone.

She should too.

[bluecastle]

Beautifully put, reinvent, per usual. And I could not agree more.

 

In case I'm coming across here like Aloof Moto Man, let me just say that, inside of romance, I am very communicative. I do that because I like it back. I do that because—and I know this will come as a shock—I like words and language and like playing with both with another person.

 

But, yes, as you put it, I find the connection/reconnection dance to be exhausting. Been there. Prevents forward movement, the joint cultivation of greater depths.

 

That said, I think where I'm coming form—in a thread like this, and others—is that there needs to be some respect that a new romance is just that: new, still settling. Lots of moving variables. And one of those variables is, of course, the hardest one to stomach: that the person may drift off—maybe a few feet, maybe for good. It's anxiety-inducing.

 

In other words: they might like you more on Monday then they do on Thursday, for who knows why, and since things are still new and settling, there isn't quite the trust to know that, come Monday, they'll like you again, maybe even more than they did the previous Monday. And in the beginning, I think, it's important to weather that, at least in part, by knowing you'll like yourself come next Monday, so you can ride the wave a bit without capsizing.

 

These two just got together, then he went away, he just got back. From the bleacher seats, I look at all that and say: neither of you will know what's what for at least a month. If in a month the communication is hot/cold, have a talk. If the talk doesn't shift things, well, time to rethink the dance. But, for now, find a way to settle in a bit, macro over micro.