My new partner went MIA on his trip.

[katrina1980]

 

In other words: they might like you more on Monday then they do on Thursday, for who knows why, and since things are still new and settling, there isn't quite the trust to know that, come Monday, they'll like you again, maybe even more than they did the previous Monday. And in the beginning, I think, it's important to weather that, at least in part, by knowing you'll like yourself come next Monday, so you can ride the wave a bit without capsizing.

 

Great point bc, especially the bolded.

 

It's what gets me through and the reason I'm able to take so many risks, and try not to sweat it too much if things get sidetracked for a bit.

 

It's KNOWING that no matter what happens, I will be OKAY! I will survive. I will live, and become stronger for having experienced it. No regrets, just more lessons learned for next time.

 

This is such a freeing feeling for me, it allows me to let go of "what are we, where is this going, what does it mean" etc etc. and just allow the RL to take it natural path, no matter where it leads, if anywhere, which is okay too.

 

And ironically having this mindset is precisely why it does end of going somewhere! It takes the pressure off both of us, allows us to relax, enjoy each other and the RL without labels, definitions, just our hearts.

 

I do realize having this mindset doesn't work for everyone or even that one should have that mindset! I operate very fluidly which is just my nature anyway, it's easy for me, it's what I am most comfortable with.

 

I just wanted to say bc that I'm the same and agree with you, not that everyone needs to be this way, because for many people, having a label and defining, knowing where it's going is very important to them, and that's okay too, for them.

[reinventmyself]

. . and those relationships that end up on the same page seem to do so effortlessly.

It's those you should strive for.

[irka000]

Thank you All so much again....frankly speaking am not even sure if we are still in for tomorrow. He didn't confirm plans. Neither did I.

I guess I will watch his actions for a month....as advised. Cause it be cause of busy week at work, catching up with life after the trip , pure tiredness.

I just wish to know how to distinguish him being relaxed in this RL or slowly backing off...

[irka000]

Perhaps I showed him too soon after we got back together that I care....he likes to chase....he said so himself ...maybe he creates the distance on purpose.....for me to slow down and not be too invested too soon. ...

[katrina1980]

Just want to say that any man I'm dating who tells me they like to "chase," I don't continue dating, period, end of.

 

My ex "chased" me for almost six years, yeah he got off on it and I played the game well.

 

However, he turned out to be a toxic mess, had serious commitment issues and an even more serious drug addiction.

 

Never again will I date a man who has this mindset, and who would actually admit it to me?

 

That's sort of like waving a big red flag in front of your face that reads -- you better remain a challenge to me, and allow me my "space," otherwise I may get bored and dump you.

Um, no thank you.

 

But good luck irka, hope it all works out the way you hope.

[reinventmyself]

It is said that men that like to chase are unavailable themselves. They like the chase because they'd rather not actually catch you.

That way they remain unavailable and unattached.

 

You can watch someones level of comfort by how close to get to them. Much like you mentioned, he creates distance. If you watch closely that dynamic will play over and over again between a couple. Whatever the predetermined space is, like chess pieces, one moves and the other backs up to create the same distance again and again.

 

A man (or women, interchangeable) who has a healthy attachment style will seek out available women. They aren't attracted to those who play hard to get.

 

A self professed man who says he likes the chase should be taken seriously and possibly avoided. I would take issue as to why he even told you this piece of information to begin with. Whether it was conscious or not, it sounds like a warning. If it were true, I would never admit to that. It's not very flattering. He basically told you he likes to play games.

[bluecastle]

I just wish to know how to distinguish him being relaxed in this RL or slowly backing off...

 

I'll save you the angst and tell you the answer to this: you can't tell. Ever.

 

What you can do is learn to be comfortable in that.

 

That doesn't mean sticking in something that makes you jittery, or that your gut/spirit is telling you isn't right. But it can mean turning the prism, slightly, so you're not fixated on trying to decode another person's feelings but are focused instead on those you have control over. Yours, in short.

 

If you like him and care about him, great. Lean into that for a minute. That's you, who you are, right now. It's vulnerable, yeah, but being vulnerable is, in the end, the ultimate strength. It's the portal to just about everything awesome that happens in our lives.

 

If he continues to behave in a way that makes those feelings expand while bringing increased comfort, great. If he doesn't—well, sad, but also great. You learn he is not the person for you, not the right custodian of your feelings. You learn that this is not a relationship that you can relax into, and, with that, you move on.

 

See the difference there? Same situation, different approach. Just because you're vulnerable doesn't mean you're not also in the driver's seat.

[bluecastle]

As for the chase business: wise words from K and reinvent.

 

Curious how that came up. Curious if you, irka, also like to chase and be chased.

 

No judgement in that, really. I have a playful side that can verge on gamesmanship in romance, to say nothing of my own deep shyt that sometimes leads me onto playing fields I didn't see coming but, in retrospect, helped to create just as much as my gf/lover.

 

But I know I don't want my relationship to be a game, and sometimes by spotting the games you can put down the swords, together. Though sometimes without the games you realize the fire isn't so hot.

 

Just things to think about.

[reinventmyself]

 

Curious how that came up. Curious if you, irka, also like to chase and be chased.

 

 

Because water seeks it's own level

Wanna know how healthy you are? Look around at the company you keep.

(Best part is I always shake my head at how crazy and dysfunctional my friends are. What does that say about me!? :)

 

In therapy years ago my therapist asked me about my dating style. I've been pretty fortunate I suppose. I considered myself pretty coy and played hard to get. I got the attention I wanted but didn't have the quality relationships I thought I deserved.

 

After listening to me he told me, `You know, based on how you go about things, you are more likely to attract unavailable men'

From there he went on to lecture me on few things I already alluded to previously. It was a great learning experience and something I took to heart. There was so much truth in his words.

[irka000]

Hmm made me think again...thank you All. Chasing part was said on a few occasions...in a playful way and not so playful...he said he likes am an old fashioned/ traditional...he enjoyed initiating contact 90 proc of time....when we got back together and he said he missed me ....I said that me too...he than shushed me and said I don't have to say that ...

Like I said recently I was more open and admitted how much I like being around him. Maybe that killed the thrill a bit , who knows ?

 

Oh well, let's see....thank you again...I just need to observe this for a bit longer although maybe would be better for me to cut it right away....

[irka000]

Also he was with his ex for 13 years so I guess he can commit...I hope ...

[katrina1980]

Because water seeks it's own level

Wanna know how healthy you are? Look around at the company you keep.

(Best part is I always shake my head at how crazy and dysfunctional my friends are. What does that say about me!? :)

 

 

I agree, and in retrospect, it was only after my ex and I parted ways, and I had a chance to introspect and self-reflect, that I realized what I mess I was too!

 

I had my own share of commitment issues so it's no big surprise that we were drawn to each other.

 

We kept switching back and forth throughout our RL between him being the active runner and me the passive runner, and then me being the active runner and him the passive runner!

 

It was our little "dance" that kept things exciting and the sex hot, but boy was it dysfunctional when I look back.

 

So very true statement reinvent.

[katrina1980]

Hmm made me think again...thank you All. Chasing part was said on a few occasions...in a playful way and not so playful...he said he likes am an old fashioned/ traditional...he enjoyed initiating contact 90 proc of time....when we got back together and he said he missed me ....I said that me too...he than shushed me and said I don't have to say that ...

Like I said recently I was more open and admitted how much I like being around him. Maybe that killed the thrill a bit , who knows ?

 

Oh well, let's see....thank you again...I just need to observe this for a bit longer although maybe would be better for me to cut it right away....

 

Okay to observe, that's what these early stages are for. But if you do, be careful not to twist yourself in an effort to become who he needs you to be -- the girl he needs to chase to maintain his interest.

 

If that's not who you are, then you'll end up losing yourself, and once that happens, it's very difficult getting back to "yourself" again, discovering who you are.

 

I am speaking from experience when I say that. :)

 

Edit: I mean seriously, discouraging you (shushing you) from telling him you miss him? That's a bit over the top, even my ex liked it when I told him I missed him!!!

 

I dunno, this doesn't look good from my end irka. Sounds a bit controlling.

[boltnrun]

Also he was with his ex for 13 years so I guess he can commit...I hope ...

 

My ex has been with the woman he cheated on me with and dumped me for, for 9 years. They beat each other, cheat on each other and say terrible things about and to one another.

 

Not sure that would be the kind of "commitment" I'd want, but they've been together for 9 years!

[katrina1980]

My ex has been with the woman he cheated on me with and dumped me for, for 9 years. They beat each other, cheat on each other and say terrible things about and to one another.

 

Not sure that would be the kind of "commitment" I'd want, but they've been together for 9 years!

 

Agree and to reiterate my experience, my ex and I were together for six years, even got engaged!

 

And he was the biggest commitment phobe this side of the Mississippi River! And probably the other side too! lol

 

He had been asking me to marry him for 5.5 years, I knew he had issues (so did I) so I declined each time, always being aware that once I agreed, the thrill of the chase would be over for him.

 

Now being that we were together for so many years, and he actually proposed marriage, one would assume he had no problem committing -- boy would they be wrong!

 

Once I finally accepted his proposal, everything changed and we ended up breaking up.

 

Just because someone is capable of a long term RL, that does NOT mean they don't have commitment issues.

 

You have no idea what the dynamic was within their RL.

 

Example: My ex and I lived together but the only way he (and then I) could do it, was by having separate bedrooms.

 

Which actually worked great for us believe it or not!

 

That didn't mean we didn't have hot sex, the distance added to the hotness!

[bluecastle]

And he was the biggest commitment phobe this side of the Mississippi River! And probably the other side too!

 

Ahem!

 

Not to brag, but I was awarded the title of Biggest Commitmentphobe on All Sides of ALL Rivers a few years ago.

 

It was a lovely ceremony: me, some bubbly, a slideshow of my exes.

 

Or I think it was a slideshow. I was distracted by a dating app.

[katrina1980]

Ahem!

 

Not to brag, but I was awarded the title of Biggest Commitmentphobe on All Sides of ALL Rivers a few years ago.

 

 

Okay well I didn't know you back then so he won the award! lol

[bluecastle]

Just trying to lighten things up!

 

I don't want to pour on the paranoia for OP.

 

Can't say I love the shushing on the "I miss you." The inner shrink in me sees someone who doubts his own worthiness...

 

Keep an eye on those water levels, yours and his, and everything will level out as it should be.

[katrina1980]

Just trying to lighten things up!

 

I don't want to pour on the paranoia for OP.

 

Can't say I love the shushing on the "I miss you." The inner shrink in me sees someone who doubts his own worthiness...

 

 

Oh that wasn't my takeaway. My takeaway is that an overt expression of affection (verbal and most likely physical) causes him discomfort unless HE is the one initiating it, which is indicative of someone with commitment issues and/or who is otherwise emotionally unavailable.

 

I lived it! Although as I said, something as simple as saying I miss you didn't cause my ex too much discomfort, he liked it, but I definitely had to maintain a certain emotional distance, which I managed quite beautifully if I do say so myself.

[Jibralta]

He went to Thailand. Alone. ( He is 49 by the way).

 

What is the draw for a single man to travel to Thailand alone?

[katrina1980]

On second though bc, perhaps you're right! Perhaps that's precisely what causes someone to have such issues, their own feelings of unworthiness!

 

Or one of the causes anyway, no doubt there are a number of reasons.

[katrina1980]

What is the draw for a single man to travel to Thailand alone?

 

Anthony Bourdain (may he RIP) taped one of his shows (Parts Unknown) from Thailand; I won't go into what all went down over there, but OMG, it went down as one of most controversial episodes in the show's history.

 

May have even added to why his marriage failed, but who knows.

 

I mean even I, as open minded as I am, was a bit embarrassed watching it!

[irka000]

He loves affection and touch..lots of it....but not sure about display of feelings....an still cautious with it

Question....do you think he noticed we spoke less thab ever this week ?

Also, given we said on Tuesday we going for for dinner on Saturday, should I let him contact me with time etc ?

I feel like am back to square one with contact...am not feeling very free to contact him....

[reinventmyself]

Anthony Bourdain (may he RIP) taped one of his shows (Parts Unknown) from Thailand; I won't go into what all went down over there, but OMG, it went down as one of most controversial episodes of Parts Unknown in the show's history.

 

May have even added to why his marriage failed as he was married at the time, but who knows.

 

I mean even I, as open minded as I am, was a bit embarrassed watching it!

 

I think I saw that episode. I am guilty of falling asleep watching shows, but I must have missed it. I get what you are alluding to though. Now I need to see it again.

 

My bf and two of his friends when to Thailand for 10 days when they are all single about 10 years ago. I can only imagine what trouble these monkeys got into, so I don't even want to know!

[katrina1980]

He loves affection and touch..lots of it....but not sure about display of feelings....an still cautious with it

Question....do you think he noticed we spoke less thab ever this week ?

Also, given we said on Tuesday we going for for dinner on Saturday, should I let him contact me with time etc ?

I feel like am back to square one with contact...am not feeling very free to contact him....

 

Yes of course he noticed it irka, and if you really want him to take notice, next time he contacts you, don't respond for a few hours!

 

Let him wonder about you -- trust me he'll love it! lol I mean he likes the chase remember?

 

Okay I'm kidding don't do that unless you want to play his game, which I would NOT recommend.

 

And yes wait for him to contact you, unless you want to risk turning him off by contacting him first.

 

I am only saying these things to make a point -- with a man who enjoys the chase, these are the types of games you need to play in order to maintain his interest.

 

Again I lived it for almost six years!

 

You up for it?