GF had sex with ex the night before we met

[Gibraltar]

I have NEVER heard of anyone having sex with their ex for "closure" after randomly seeing him/her at a bar, so if it were me I would be calling BS on that.

 

Having one last conversation, assuming some things were left unsaid, understandable but NOT having sex. That's crazy.

 

Agree badgering her about it would serve no good purpose so you either have to accept or walk. For me, trust would be broken especially after such a flimsy and dishonest explanation so I might consider walking, or at the very least pulling back to gather thoughts and reassess our relationship.

 

Six months is still very early stages in the grand scheme.

 

Good luck whatever you choose to do.

 

I have pulled back a little bit. I definitely wasn't my normal self the rest of the weekend. She ended up crying later that night saying that she loves me (first time either of us said this by the way) and regrets doing it. I think I'll end up moving on from it, but it is bothersome.

[katrina1980]

I have pulled back a little bit. I definitely wasn't my normal self the rest of the weekend. She ended up crying later that night saying that she loves me (first time either of us said this by the way) and regrets doing it. I think I'll end up moving on from it, but it is bothersome.

 

Fair enough, sometimes things like this can bring a couple closer, so play it out and see what happens.

 

Hopefully you will eventually be able to let it go for good, I think it's smart you were questioning it though.

[annie24]

From all I can tell it was due to his friend (or at least someone he knows) living at the same apartment building as me. She did mention that it was bothering her, but I don't think it ever would have come up if said friend didn't show up at the pool. Later that night she could tell it was bothering me, as I was quieter than usual, and she ended up crying saying that she would have been bothered as well if I had done the same thing.

 

I guess what bothers me most about this whole thing is that during our early stages of dating there were a lot of discussions about us both struggling to find that person we actually care about and feel comfortable around, so now knowing that this happened the night before we met kind of makes me second guess the whole premise of our meeting/relationship. I do believe that she truly cares about me and only wants to be with me at this time, so I am trying to just let this go and not make her feel bad about it, but like SherrySher said, it kind of takes the wind out of my sails.

 

that explanation still makes no sense to me. Like this guy is going to go up to you and say, “did you know your gf had sex with her ex/my friend on January 28th”? I highly doubt that’s the kind of thing that would be on his radar. I certainly wouldn’t say anything like that to one of my neighbors.

 

i don’t understand why she would tell you something that will upset you when there was really no reason to do it. :/

[katrina1980]

G, given your last post, it kind of sounds like she told you to get a reaction.

 

I mean, you said after she told you, you pulled back, she started crying and you exchanged I love you's for the first time.

 

So she may have felt unsure of your feelings, so by telling you, she got the reaction she wanted (you got upset), then told her you love her (gave her reassurance).

 

Just a thought, nothing else makes much sense.

[Gibraltar]

that explanation still makes no sense to me. Like this guy is going to go up to you and say, “did you know your gf had sex with her ex/my friend on January 28th”? I highly doubt that’s the kind of thing that would be on his radar. I certainly wouldn’t say anything like that to one of my neighbors.

 

i don’t understand why she would tell you something that will upset you when there was really no reason to do it. :/

 

Here is the order of events.

 

Guys friends walk into the pool. She says oh I used to date one of their friends. I say something along the lines of, "oh that's cool", it's whatever in my mind I can accept she has had previous boyfriends. They left the pool area. She turns to me and says, "you're gonna hate me for this". Then proceeds to tell me what happened, saying that it has bothered her and she is glad I now know.

 

I want to believe that it's because she cares about me so much, and truly is regretful after having met me in person (and 6 months of dating), that if the friend were to come up and say something regarding her ex, that I wouldn't be blindsided and take it the wrong way. Not sure if this is the right approach to take, but I do care about her and want to trust her.

[Wiseman2]

She may believe that "true confessions" albeit TMI is a form of bonding. Some people think disclosure makes them feel closer. There is nothing here to trust or distrust. It's a simple case of poor judgement telling you all this.

She turns to me and says, "you're gonna hate me for this". Then proceeds to tell me what happened, saying that it has bothered her and she is glad I now know.

[DancingFool]

The thing is that who she was sleeping with or dating before you and her became exclusive is absolutely none of your business. As another poster already said, you really should assume that people are seeing and considering other options. That's part of healthy dating. The only thing that matters is that they chose to be with you. Personally, I'd rather be with a guy who went on 50 dates and decided he wants to be with me out of choice and not because he went on one date which was me and had no other options so he stayed with me. Does that make sense? You want the person to choose you freely and not for lack of choice.

 

That said, sharing this kind of information is really TMI disguised as honesty. In your shoes, I'd just tell her politely but firmly that I'm not interested in hearing who she was banging before we became exclusive. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

[SherrySher]

Hmmm, it is really weird. I agree with the other posters in that her timing of telling you these things is off. I can't understand why she decided to tell you. Maybe she was trying to make you jealous?

 

The only other thing that would make sense is that she was afraid her ex's friend was going to say something to you and so she decided to tell you first.

It still is odd though. You normally wouldn't say anything unless you felt guilty or something was still going on.

 

And lastly, her having sex with her ex for closure? Nope, it doesn't happen. No one gets back into bed with their ex unless feeling are not resolved. It's opening the door back up, not closing it.

[saluk]

I can see her side really easily.

 

1. Talking to a guy, he seems cool - but haven't met yet, so who knows where it will go

2. Bump into ex in a bar. Hmm, I wonder if there is anything still her. Drunk + poor judgement = sex

3. Well that was a mistake. I wish I hadn't done it. Hope this meetup goes a bit better.

4. Wow, this guy is amazing. I really REALLY wish I hadn't hooked up last night.

 

6 months later

1. Oh . My exes friend is here. God I wish I hadn't hooked up with him that night

2. Damn, I'd better tell my boyfriend before anyone else does.

3. Well, I'm glad I got that off my chest, because this guy is really great and deserves to know.

4. Dang. I probably shouldn't have done that.

 

I wouldn't be worried about the hooking up with the ex. But she appears to do and say things without really thinking them through.

[reinventmyself]

 

6 months later

1. Oh . My exes friend is here. God I wish I hadn't hooked up with him that night

2. Damn, I'd better tell my boyfriend before anyone else does.

.

^^ I agree with this.

But I can't help but wonder if there is more to the story.

I don't see that is was any of his business seeing they hadn't even met each other yet. I'd be bugged that I was told something that I really rather not know and didn't involve me.

So, how does this involve him and why did she feel she needed to tell him at that very moment?

It may be nothing, but I understand how he feels. I would wonder if there was more to the story because her need to tell him doesn't add up.

[SherrySher]

I agree with reinvent. A lot of what saluk wrote makes sense though there still seems to be missing holes in the story.

 

It would bother me, at least that the sense I get. Seems like there is more to the story than meets the eye.

[Coldarmy13]

I agree with saluk and that’s pretty much how I saw all of this as well. I’d imagine you’d be far more upset if this friend somehow told you first.. granted he’d have no place to.

 

The thought of it would definitely bother me too, so I’m not making light of that, but it is technically before you and before she made the commitment to being exclusive to you. If there aren’t more things that feel wrong or fishy with your relationship and she seems truly genuine and honest since you’ve been together.. I’d probably work to do any more digging into it.

[Gibraltar]

I agree with reinvent. A lot of what saluk wrote makes sense though there still seems to be missing holes in the story.

 

It would bother me, at least that the sense I get. Seems like there is more to the story than meets the eye.

 

This is my thought exactly. She became quieter as well as the weekend went on, and it this point I am not sure if this is because I was quieter or because she is hiding something else from me and is nervous.

 

Not sure exactly how to address this without making it seem like I am accusing her of hooking up with him into our relationship. If this is the case it will definitely set our relationship back quite a bit, if it doesn't cause us to break up altogether.

[Coldarmy13]

This is my thought exactly. She became quieter as well as the weekend went on, and it this point I am not sure if this is because I was quieter or because she is hiding something else from me and is nervous.

 

Not sure exactly how to address this without making it seem like I am accusing her of hooking up with him into our relationship. If this is the case it will definitely set our relationship back quite a bit, if it doesn't cause us to break up altogether.

 

It could completely be as simple as it was an awkward environment. I’m sure she knew you were bothered and not being yourself. She may just not have known what to say and didn’t want to bring it up again on her own. I’m sure she’d rather get past this now that she’s seen what it did to you.

 

What at all makes you think she’s hooked up with him after you guys started dating?

[Gibraltar]

It could completely be as simple as it was an awkward environment. I’m sure she knew you were bothered and not being yourself. She may just not have known what to say and didn’t want to bring it up again on her own. I’m sure she’d rather get past this now that she’s seen what it did to you.

 

What at all makes you think she’s hooked up with him after you guys started dating?

 

The whole night before for closure thing just doesn't sit well for me. The time is too coincidental for me, I am struggling to believe that the guy was a ghost for a whole year and she just randomly bumped into him the night before. Also, I agree with a lot of the posters that sex is the opposite of closure.

 

Honestly she has never done anything to make me feel she was seeing him on the side, it's just that the whole timing/story really makes me question things.

[nutbrownhare]

I doubt that there's any more to this story than meets the eye, to be honest, except that she wanted to tell you herself rather than a friend let something slip. She had no idea that she was going to fall for you, or that you two were going to have a relationship - when you hadn't even met yet. You only have to read these boards to see the number of people who are madly in love with people they haven't actually met - when anyone else can see they're being catfished. You just don't know until you meet in person.

 

Although you say you acknowledge that you weren't exclusive at that point, it doesn't seem as though you do in reality. If she'd slept with him the day after you'd decided to be exclusive, or at any time since - then kick her to the kerb. But there's nothing in your post to suggest she has. I've known people who've had on/off half-hearted sexual relationships which they've dropped like a hot brick the moment they've met someone they were really attracted to, and it sounds as though that's what happened here. It was a one-off which she thought about when the friend turned up, and she didn't want it to come between you. Ironically her telling you has ensured that it has.

 

I'm not a great fan of revealing all when it has no bearing on the current relationship and is only likely to cause unnecessary hurt, but my guess is that she told you because she wanted to feel closer to you ("We have no secrets") and I'd view her revelation in that light. Don't give it any more thought.

[abitbroken]

The whole night before for closure thing just doesn't sit well for me. The time is too coincidental for me, I am struggling to believe that the guy was a ghost for a whole year and she just randomly bumped into him the night before. Also, I agree with a lot of the posters that sex is the opposite of closure.

 

Honestly she has never done anything to make me feel she was seeing him on the side, it's just that the whole timing/story really makes me question things.

 

My ex ran into an ex from 11 years ago one night (i witnessed it. i was there. It happened).

[Coldarmy13]

The whole night before for closure thing just doesn't sit well for me. The time is too coincidental for me, I am struggling to believe that the guy was a ghost for a whole year and she just randomly bumped into him the night before. Also, I agree with a lot of the posters that sex is the opposite of closure.

 

Honestly she has never done anything to make me feel she was seeing him on the side, it's just that the whole timing/story really makes me question things.

 

Fair enough. How it has been described seems a bit strange.

 

Give it some thought (on top of the mental stain I’m sure you’ve been in already) and figure out within yourself if it’s your hill to die on, so to speak.

 

You could continue digging and prodding but will anything she say help how you feel? Of course, if your trust was damaged enough I wouldn’t stick around. If it’s something you can agree to move past, if you think she’s worth it, great! I’d make a decision that’s final though. Continue going over this and maybe have to break up, or let it go and never bring it up again. Successfully move on and do what you can to trust her as much as possible.

[annie24]

Although you say you acknowledge that you weren't exclusive at that point, it doesn't seem as though you do in reality. If she'd slept with him the day after you'd decided to be exclusive, or at any time since - then kick her to the kerb. But there's nothing in your post to suggest she has. I've known people who've had on/off half-hearted sexual relationships which they've dropped like a hot brick the moment they've met someone they were really attracted to, and it sounds as though that's what happened here. It was a one-off which she thought about when the friend turned up, and she didn't want it to come between you. Ironically her telling you has ensured that it has.

 

I totally agree with this. Even though you two were only talking, you still hadn't met in person and you obviously weren't exclusive. I'm sure she loves you now and you love her. I just don't like the way that she "unburdened" herself of her "secret." It didn't do anything positive for your relationship. Some things just need to stay secret because it hurt you and now she feels better for telling you about her history with her ex - but you feel worse. I'm not for keeping everything secret, just you don't have to say everything to your partner, especially not things that will hurt them.

[Wiseman2]

Yes, her explanation is nonsensical. That is more disconcerting than having sex with someone she dated before you ever met. It reveals basic poor judgement from that event itself to telling you about this and her fishy reasons why she did it or told you and when. Did she hook up with any of the guys in your apt complex that are her "friends"?

[reinventmyself]

I go into new relationships expecting the other person to have loose ends they haven't tied up. After all people rarely come in neatly wrapped packages.

Seeing this is new, it's not at all surprising she had friends/lovers before she met you. Just give things a chance to smooth themselves out but at the same

time keep one eye open for anything else that doesn't add up.

 

Besides, what choices do you have? Seeing she disclosed an event before you even met, you can't necessary grill her about it. It's anything that happens after

which time you two commit to each other that you have a say on.

 

Unless anything else comes up that seems amiss. . .I'd shake this off and let it go.

[Gibraltar]

I go into new relationships expecting the other person to have loose ends they haven't tied up. After all people rarely come in neatly wrapped packages.

Seeing this is new, it's not at all surprising she had friends/lovers before she met you. Just give things a chance to smooth themselves out but at the same

time keep one eye open for anything else that doesn't add up.

 

Besides, what choices do you have? Seeing she disclosed an event before you even met, you can't necessary grill her about it. It's anything that happens after

which time you two commit to each other that you have a say on.

 

Unless anything else comes up that seems amiss. . .I'd shake this off and let it go.

 

Yeah that is exactly what I am going to do.

 

The more I think about it, I think she used this opportunity to see how much I care. I am not the most expressive person in the world, I dont usually put my feelings out on display for the world to see, and before this we never really had that moment that brought out these types of emotions. I definitely trust that she isn't cheating on me, after all the time we spend together I'm not sure when she'd have the time, not saying this is a great indicator but I do trust her.

 

When I originally created this thread it was more of a "I really wish she never told me this" vent, but now that I think about it I am glad she did because it made even me realize how much I care about her.

 

I appreciate all of the responses. I'm gonna put this one behind me.

[Coldarmy13]

That’s a good way of thinking about it. But let it truly go and it’ll smooth itself out over time. Don’t overthink it, and that advice is coming from an over thinker :)

[SherrySher]

The last bit of advice I would give you is, if you decide to let it go, hopefully you can be better together after this. However, I would still advise that you keep an eye out.

Not that I mean to be untrusting or paranoid, but rather be cautious and make sure you take care of yourself and your heart.

 

There might not be anything more to any of it and she was just gauging your feelings for her, but you need to still make sure you watch for any signs that might show something else.

 

I hope that's not the case and I hope it's all behind you now. I wish you both the best.

[Annia]

I wouldnt be bothered because speaking online for a week doesn't equal having feelings or a relationship so I don't see any problem with her sleeping with whoever 1 day before she met you. The only thing I find weird is that she told you. I don't see the need of telling you that since it's all in the past and she hadn't even met you at that point so I don't see the point of telling you. Maybe her intentions were good and she just wanted to be transparent but I find it unnecessary and too much information.