Is my girlfriend emotionally abusing me?

[Wireless]

Hello, i am a 24 years old Italian guy who moved 3 years ago to Belgium. I am together with my belgian girlfriend for almost a year now. I really love this girl and she is also my first girlfriend and the first who I am intimate with. The problem is this: she is really jealous, paranoid and insecure, in the way that she always accuses me of cheating or doing wrong things with other girls.

 

The following things happened:

- When i moved to Belgium i met a colleague (female, 35 years old, in a relationship) who really helped me and my family a lot with all the paperwork, learn the language etc. We were a really good team at work and we helped each other always. She is also a friend of my mom and dad, so sometimes we meet with us all to eat or drink something (i never spend alone time with her). She quit the job and after we expressed we would miss each other at work, because we could work together really good. She calls me darling or baby sometimes, but i never say these things to her. If she ends a message with 'kisses', then i send 'kisses' back, like in greetz. Recently my girlfriend sneaked in my phone and read all the messages about the above. She was going crazy saying that this is cheating, i am doing wrong things, lying to her, etc.

- when I say hello to people I know (male and female) I sometimes touch the arm or side of the person, as some sign of respect, maybe because i was raised in the South of Italy. She said it is also not right and i had to promise to never do it again.

- one time i made a joke about a coworker and touched her shoulder for it. My girlfriend was again sad and really angry for this.

- when I text with people I use a lot of emojis to everyone: friends, family, male and female. She was also angry for an emoji that showed a kiss to end a conversation, like a goodbye. Since i have done this for all my life and it is a normal way in Italy to text, i never meant anything with this. It was just to end a conversation.

- she always accuses me of flirting with other girls, even though i have never done this or given her a reason to think this.

 

I could tell more than 10 things like this, but you get the picture i think. In short she is always accusing me of cheating, flirting, lying... while i never do those things. I really love her and i want to make her happy. It's almost every week that we have an argument about this and she starts to be angry, sad, cry... It always ends in me saying sorry and explaining over and over that it is nothing. I had to promise her so many things already, that i don't know what is allowed and what not anymore. I don't have a lot of friends, i don't go out and i am always working.

 

Above this all, she is addicted to sleeping pills, even though she won't admit it. When she is taking those pills, she can say mean things like she would have sex with someone else for 20000 euros, etc.

 

I would really like some advice what i can do to show her that i really love her and i have never cheated or lied. She is a really good girl, she will always help and take care of me. She has been cheated on and lied to in the past, so I can understand she is scared. But I don't know what to do anymore, because I feel I am always the one who's wrong.

 

Thank you for reading.

[moodindigo91]

Well, this is very unfortunate but I don't think she is emotionally abusing you. Sounds like she is just very insecure and jealous. There is definitely a cultural difference playing a role here, as she doesn't seem to understand the culture you were raised in nor does she seem to want to learn about or understand it. She just wants to change you, which is not true love and definitely not a good recipe for a sustainable relationship.

 

The fact that she has been cheated on or lied to in the past does not excuse her actions now. YOU did not cheat or lie to her, YOU shouldn't have to pay for the things she suffered at the hands of ex-boyfriends. You've got no life outside of her, that is going to turn into resentment.

 

It sounds like your girlfriend would seriously benefit from professional counseling to work through her personal issues, and her addiction to sleeping pills. But the bottom line is, this is not a sustainable relationship, and I think you should really consider leaving it for your own sanity and happiness. On the surface, it doesn't seem like emotional abuse now, but this is definitely how it begins and it will only get worse unless she gets help.

[LightWave93]

Hello, i am a 24 years old Italian guy who moved 3 years ago to Belgium. I am together with my belgian girlfriend for almost a year now. I really love this girl and she is also my first girlfriend and the first who I am intimate with. The problem is this: she is really jealous, paranoid and insecure, in the way that she always accuses me of cheating or doing wrong things with other girls.

 

The following things happened:

- When i moved to Belgium i met a colleague (female, 35 years old, in a relationship) who really helped me and my family a lot with all the paperwork, learn the language etc. We were a really good team at work and we helped each other always. She is also a friend of my mom and dad, so sometimes we meet with us all to eat or drink something (i never spend alone time with her). She quit the job and after we expressed we would miss each other at work, because we could work together really good. She calls me darling or baby sometimes, but i never say these things to her. If she ends a message with 'kisses', then i send 'kisses' back, like in greetz. Recently my girlfriend sneaked in my phone and read all the messages about the above. She was going crazy saying that this is cheating, i am doing wrong things, lying to her, etc.

- when I say hello to people I know (male and female) I sometimes touch the arm or side of the person, as some sign of respect, maybe because i was raised in the South of Italy. She said it is also not right and i had to promise to never do it again.

- one time i made a joke about a coworker and touched her shoulder for it. My girlfriend was again sad and really angry for this.

- when I text with people I use a lot of emojis to everyone: friends, family, male and female. She was also angry for an emoji that showed a kiss to end a conversation, like a goodbye. Since i have done this for all my life and it is a normal way in Italy to text, i never meant anything with this. It was just to end a conversation.

- she always accuses me of flirting with other girls, even though i have never done this or given her a reason to think this.

 

I could tell more than 10 things like this, but you get the picture i think. In short she is always accusing me of cheating, flirting, lying... while i never do those things. I really love her and i want to make her happy. It's almost every week that we have an argument about this and she starts to be angry, sad, cry... It always ends in me saying sorry and explaining over and over that it is nothing. I had to promise her so many things already, that i don't know what is allowed and what not anymore. I don't have a lot of friends, i don't go out and i am always working.

 

Above this all, she is addicted to sleeping pills, even though she won't admit it. When she is taking those pills, she can say mean things like she would have sex with someone else for 20000 euros, etc.

 

I would really like some advice what i can do to show her that i really love her and i have never cheated or lied. She is a really good girl, she will always help and take care of me. She has been cheated on and lied to in the past, so I can understand she is scared. But I don't know what to do anymore, because I feel I am always the one who's wrong.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

In short: Yes she is.

 

I dated a girl who did similar things. I couldn't interact with another woman, even if it was part of my job, without her feeling insecure and get accusatory. She wouldn't outright say that I would cheat, but imply I was interested or being inappropriate. I never was. Other stuff happened too. When she did leave me, she tried to flip this all around on me. It was horrible, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

Anyway, aside from that, there's also the fact you've made many promises to deal with her insecurities. I wonder how much of your life she controls, directly or indirectly, to govern how you live your life to her rules. As for the whole she would have sex for money thing, that would cross the line and I would definitely consider that, if nothing else, abusive. It's manipulation.

 

If she's addicted to pills, then she needs to seek professional help. It will only get worse, for you and for her. I do sympathize with her past experience of being cheated on, but that's another thing she should deal with in therapy; it's not something that should effect your relationship, as it should be a clean slate.

 

This isn't a healthy relationship, that's for sure. She needs help. Whether you help her to achieve this and stick with her is up to you, but personally speaking I'd cut and run before it got any worse.

[abitbroken]

Nope. Sending "kisses" and getting close to another woman who calls you babe, etc, even if you don't call her babe is crossing the line -- that's where you set a boundary with that other person. You can't control what she says, but you can say "hey, my girlfriend is the only one i let call me babe. Do you mind not calling me that? or i would limit my contact. I would be upset too if i opened my boyfriends phone and saw another woman calling him babe and sending "kisses". I would think he must have deleted texts he sent to her. The fact that you did not shut her down speaks volumes to her.

 

The touching thing is a cultural difference. It is not a sign of respect in countries that are more personal space-oriented to touch someone. It implies false familiarity. I think that you should have said "i realize that in Italy, this is the way people communicate and its not that way here....i will try my best to remember." if you repeatedly touch women like this in a culture where its not the norm, they could confuse what you are doing with sexual interest in them - or think you are a creep. So you have to realize how you are coming across to other. the "whoops - this is how we do it in Italy" only goes so far when you are in a new place.

 

i do think the sleeping pill thing is a legitimate problem.

[reinventmyself]

I really love this girl and she is also my first girlfriend and the first who I am intimate with. The problem is this: she is really jealous, paranoid and insecure, in the way that she always accuses me of cheating or doing wrong things with other girls.

 

I don't have a lot of friends, i don't go out and i am always working.

.

And it's because she is your first, you are in a foreign country with her being your only source of support, that you tolerate this behavior.

 

This isn't a healthy relationship and you don't have another one to compare it to. At this point you are very vulnerable and putting up with an unacceptable character flaw.

 

I would move home and chalk this up to a valuable lesson learned.

[SherrySher]

I see it from a different prospective. You two were raised differently, you see things in how you interact with people, differently. What would mean nothing to your culture, means flirting in her culture.

The woman who calls you babe and sends kisses, is crossing a line and should not be speaking to you that way.

 

As for the other things, yes, in other countries this is also crossing lines and would be viewed as flirtatious and being too friendly, especially with the opposite sex.

In many other countries, it is not okay to be touching someone, even briefly. People mistake it for sexual interest, or invading someone's personal space.

 

If she was also treated badly in the past, she will be sensitive to these things.

 

It does not mean you are bad or she is bad, but it could mean you two are not compatible since you view things so differently and she is getting hurt by it.

[greendots]

The touching thing is a cultural difference. It is not a sign of respect in countries that are more personal space-oriented to touch someone. It implies false familiarity. I think that you should have said "i realize that in Italy, this is the way people communicate and its not that way here....i will try my best to remember." if you repeatedly touch women like this in a culture where its not the norm, they could confuse what you are doing with sexual interest in them - or think you are a creep. So you have to realize how you are coming across to other. the "whoops - this is how we do it in Italy" only goes so far when you are in a new place.

 

THIS. A girl from Latin America I knew once greeted everyone with a kiss on the cheek. She was meeting them for the first time. That's common where she is from. To her, it simply meant hello. But to the people she was greeting, she was being so overly flirty, in fact, they perceived her as easy. A firm handshake or a big wave hello would've been acceptable. Even a hug, in the right context (e.g. they are her friends) would've been okay, but kissing on the cheek was seen as a totally flirtatious move.

[Annia]

THIS. A girl from Latin America I knew once greeted everyone with a kiss on the cheek. She was meeting them for the first time. That's common where she is from, to her it simply meant hello. But to the people she was greeting she was being so overly flirty, in fact, they perceived her as easy. A firm handshake or a big wave hello would've been acceptable. Even a hug, in the right context (i.e. they are her friends) would've been okay, but kissing on the cheek was seen as a totally flirtatious move.

 

Thant's interesting. In my country we greet everyone (man, woman) with two kisses (brief) on the cheek. Men don't usually greet other men like this though and opt for a handshake or a hug (brief or long depending on the level of friendship. It's perfectly normal where I come from and doesn't mean anything more than a regular greeting. We do it even with people we don't know. If it's a big group I save time with a general hello and wave to everyone, but many people go around and will give the two kisses to everyone in the group. I moved to another country and I still have to make a conscious effort to stop myself from doing this because I know it's not common here and people be "" if you do that here lol

[j.man]

Yes, you're in Belgium (I'm assuming the Dutch part), but she also knowingly took on a Southern Italian for a boyfriend. My mom's side is from Spain and my dad's family is from Sicily. My fiancee's family is primarily German. We have different social mannerisms. But while I'm not physically imposing on people who enjoy more of a bubble than others, I also don't refrain from "kissing" women I greet or touching people, even if they're women, during conversation just to appease my lady (who fortunately has never had an issue with it, but I'd tell her to shove it if she did). It's also not uncommon at all to end a letter or a text chain with "un abrazo" or "un beso." Even taking Southern Europe out of the mix, how many UK posters do we see here throwing in "xx" after their posts?

 

Yes, there is a time and place for "When in Rome," but cheek-to-cheek kissing or touching an arm isn't like you're a Hindu coming from India and demanding the markets all stop selling beef.

 

I don't know about this "baby" thing. You're not reciprocating and if a term of endearment is the worst she came across while invading your privacy, I'm not sure I'd crucify you for not perhaps being a bit better about boundaries. "Babe, hun, sugar, sweetie" were all thrown out there like candy during my years in the Southern US, so there are also cultural considerations there.

 

But, no, I wouldn't call it necessarily abusive. Invading your privacy is certainly a large step toward it, but otherwise, her insecurity and efforts to be controlling haven't quite crossed that boundary in my mind. At this point, she is trying to police who you quite frankly just are. Her telling you touching people on the arm "isn't right" and "making" you promise not to do it is pretty insane. At the end of the day, I'd start making arrangements back home just to make sure you've got a place ready. This isn't a dynamic I could stick with.

[greendots]

Thant's interesting. In my country we greet everyone (man, woman) with two kisses (brief) on the cheek. Men don't usually greet other men like this though and opt for a handshake or a hug (brief or long depending on the level of friendship. It's perfectly normal where I come from and doesn't mean anything more than a regular greeting. We do it even with people we don't know. If it's a big group I save time with a general hello and wave to everyone, but many people go around and will give the two kisses to everyone in the group. I moved to another country and I still have to make a conscious effort to stop myself from doing this because I know it's not common here and people be "" if you do that here lol

 

Difference in cultural behaviours are certainly interesting. I love the short and sweet wave when greeting big groups, too.

[boltnrun]

Someone I work with calls everyone "love". I call a lot of people "honey".

 

Does your girlfriend follow all the rules she's set up for you?

[itsallgrand]

That she is addicted to pills and has made comments about selling her body for some cash would be a good reason to leave.

I'm sorry that your first relationship is with a policing addict!

Dealing with mean rants from an addict is not the norm in relationships, and it would be really sad if you allow this to set the tone for what you expect and accept in one.

[Wiseman2]

If you live together, move out. End the relationship, it will only get worse not better and you can't change or fix her. Focus on your education, career and building your life.

she is addicted to sleeping pills.

[Wireless]

Thanks everyone for the reactions and sorry for my late response.

 

I must say that the sleeping pill problem is better and she has limited her use.

 

Since most people that i know are Italian, greeting and interacting in this way is reciprocity. When i don't know people, or when i see they are more closed, i obviously don't greet the Italian way.

 

The woman from work I mentioned: the things my girlfriend is upset about happened when we just started dating, and ever since i've limited contact with her. The thing she's most upset about was that we said we missed each other, which was obviously in a work context. This ex co worker is 12 years older than me, and i see her more like a big sister, because she used to help me and give advice.

 

Some more things happened with my girlfriend. She told me that she has deleted texts on her phone before giving it to me (which was necessary because of an exam). I never looked at her messages. She said she deleted them because she was scared, but that there was nothing wrong inside.

Furthermore she felt bad that she joked with a guy she used to kind of flirt with before we started dating. She said things like they would destroy each other in a fight (because they did krav maga together) and that he is a . This was also part of the conversation she deleted.

She also asked me to delete my Instagram account.

 

Thank you everyone for reading and giving advice!

[boltnrun]

What would she do if you deleted texts?

 

Did she delete her own Instagram account?