Will this guy i've been casually dating lose interest in me on vacation?

[IAmFCA]

Yea you're right, that is one way to look at it.

What do you mean by inclination though?

 

If he wanted to say hello: he would He just doesn't feel like it. Why, though?

 

No clue! Maybe he is with brother till wiped out et and when alone he is glad to simply be silent. Maybe bumble was opened by mistake while in his purse. Murse. Lol

 

Its just-- bad form to guess at what he wants and why. Its better to use this time to adjust, so that you entertain your brain with thoughts of your own path.

 

You don't have to like him, you know.

[figureitout23]

bee, at this point I think you’re over-thinking. Which tends to happen when one starts a thread and starts getting all sorts of different opinions, including mine!

 

The truth is you just don’t know what’s going on with him or why he logged into Bumble. Try to not overthink it.

 

As you said, when he left you guys were still casual, so he didn’t feel inclined to stay in touch while gone.

 

By inclined, I mean he didn’t feel the need, interest or desire to stay in touch. Otherwise, he would have.

 

His prerogative.

 

What you need to do is determine if that is OK with you. Whether or not another woman would be okay with it, or not okay with it, is irrelevant.

 

You do YOU.

 

Bingo!

 

Doesn't matter if I'm ok with it or if Tom is ok with it or Mary, the question is are you ok with it. it's probably best to not do what you think is expected or keeps you 'cool' like dating others even after spending extended amounts of time and being intimate with a man, you don't want him doing it right? And just be open and honest. I get it, I really do, when dating especially early on we want to guard ourselves butvthe issue a lot of women are having is they convince themselves they're guarding themselves by 'keeping cool' even though they are giving themselves away and physically and emotionally exposing themselves to men and they haven't the slightest idea where their heads are at. It's actually the opposite of guarding ones heart, it's sending your heart out to the slaughter.

 

Communicate.

 

I realize my advice is kinda too little too late, I think I've already said that because at this point what's done is done and now you're stuck playing the waiting game, but if this doesn't work out please learn the lesson that you aren't 'that' girl and casually leading with sex hoping it leads to more but too scared to ask isn't smart.

[boltnrun]

I think it would be a bit hypocritical for the OP to be upset that he went out on a Bumble date when she herself went on dates with TWO different men.

 

OP, would you be upset?

[IAmFCA]

I think it would be a bit hypocritical for the OP to be upset that he went out on a Bumble date when she herself went on dates with TWO different men.

 

OP, would you be upset?

 

Her being upset is independent of whether its appropriate.

 

Even is she wishes he wouldn't: I would hope he acts in a way that reflects his true intent. She can choose whether to be upset or grateful or matter of fact.

[figureitout23]

Her being upset is independent of whether its appropriate.

 

Even is she wishes he wouldn't: I would hope he acts in a way that reflects his true intent. She can choose whether to be upset or grateful or matter of fact.

 

What?

 

I feel like you're adding multiplication to a simple addition problem.

 

If she's uncomfortable with the idea of him dating others she shouldn't be dating others either.

 

I hate to play the sex card, but I think if a man came on here saying he hoped the woman he was dating wasn't dating others while he himself was dating others wouldn't be treated too kindly.

[Batya33]

I don't think the sex is relevant to not dating others - they didn't agree to that (if he was having sex with others or she was then for health/safety that probably should be shared). I think she's entitled to her feelings and she should have no expectations that he asks her out for another date since they are casual - nothing to do with him being on vacation either. And I think it's fine if he is meeting and dating other people just as she is. One of the only times I asked for exclusivity first, the guy said "ok but I might want to meet a woman for coffee now and then" (meaning through a dating site although we had not met that way). Well, no -who cares if they just hug - he is keeping his options open and meeting women to see if there should be a date since it is through a dating site. Obviously different had he said "but sometimes I have coffee with my female friends/colleagues -just wanted to make sure that's ok" (yes). OP -the fact that you just hugged them is irrelevant. Your intention was to see if there could be someone better, to comparison shop and if you'd felt a real click I am sure you would have met that person again -and that's not cheating. He's not cheating either.

 

Yes -inclination -pre-internet and cell phoneswhen a man who was away wanted to get in touch with me, he did - I got flowers, a long distance phone call from another country (just to say hi) - or he would tell me in advance what the phone/mail situation was (yes, people sent postcards that arrived after they came home, it's the thought that counts). This guy doesn't choose to. May have nothing personal to do with you -he is in the zone -he is on vaca - he doesn't want to connect with anyone at home. It's ok But it is because he doesn't have the inclination - just your choice how to read into that. But you know that you two are just casual - you are acting consistently with that by looking to meet other men and keeping your options open.

[IAmFCA]

What?

 

I feel like you're adding multiplication to a simple addition problem.

 

If she's uncomfortable with the idea of him dating others she shouldn't be dating others either.

 

I hate to play the sex card, but I think if a man came on here saying he hoped the woman he was dating wasn't dating others while he himself was dating others wouldn't be treated too kindly.

 

Re complication ... yes, i do that. For me though, its actually more simple. Simple because we know ourselves and can control ourselves. With others, its more complicated.

 

1. Behave in a way that is consistent with our own feelings etc

2. Take responsibility for our feelings and behavior

 

Her discomfort with him dating others is an expression of her desire to be valued by him. As her own behavior points out, and his too, they haven't dated enough to choose one another over all other options. So dating is appropriate behavior.

 

Anxiety about being valued is her problem to solve, not his.

[Batya33]

Re complication ... yes, i do that. For me though, its actually more simple. Simple because we know ourselves and can control ourselves. With others, its more complicated.

 

1. Behave in a way that is consistent with our own feelings etc

2. Take responsibility for our feelings and behavior

 

Her discomfort with him dating others is an expression of her desire to be valued by him. As her own behavior points out, and his too, they haven't dated enough to choose one another over all other options. So dating is appropriate behavior.

 

Anxiety about being valued is her problem to solve, not his.

 

Or it could just be ego on her part - she doesn't want him that much yet (hence the comparison shopping) but she wants him to want her that much. I wouldn't assume.

[beemea]

I think it would be a bit hypocritical for the OP to be upset that he went out on a Bumble date when she herself went on dates with TWO different men.

 

OP, would you be upset?

 

Thank you for the response! and i havent really given that aspect much thought, on if id be upset if he went on another bumble date. its not the bumble part that concerns me at all. and i wouldnt describe how that would make me feel if that did happen as upset. Of course i know he is free to do as he pleases because we arent exclusive, the biggest concern to me is just that in person based on his actions i believed i was more important than to not contact while on vacation; not because his words said so but because his actions displayed that to me at the time

[beemea]

Or it could just be ego on her part - she doesn't want him that much yet (hence the comparison shopping) but she wants him to want her that much. I wouldn't assume.

 

I definitely dont think of it as an ego thing, only because i feel i actually DO want him that much and the only reasoning in my mind for the other dates is because i felt that it would help me not place all this value on a guy who is away at the moment and in the off chance he does fade away and lose interest in me, then i wouldnt feel so crappy and disappointed because i wasnt just waiting around for him to get back; i was living my life and am entitled to meet other people as is he. i didnt feel anything for these other people but i know thats not an important part of it. he could of gone on other dates as well but the biggest thing to me is that when it comes down to it all that we choose each other, which is the point of dating, and i have that conclusion in my mind that i only want to see him and am hoping the distance we have had so far will give him that perspective as well.

[Wiseman2]

Has he reached out to you?

[beemea]

Has he reached out to you?

 

Nope :/ not yet

[MissCanuck]

I think he just views this much more casually than you do, OP.

[beemea]

I think he just views this much more casually than you do, OP.

 

Unfortunately you might be right! I just dont know how to change that since hes been gone and i still havent heard from him

[abitbroken]

Honestly, - guys are just as insecure and nervous as women are and he could be thinking the same thing "She hasn't texted me at all while i have been away..has she met someone?"

 

There is nothing clingy about saying "hey, remember that brewery/museum/tour we talked about on our last date, they are having X event on x day. when you get back in town, let me know if you would like to go" Therefore it alleviates any thought he would have about HER not connecting and if he doesn't respond - she has her answer. But if he has any doubt about her, then its blown out of the water.

[Wiseman2]

All you can do is wait for him to contact you when he gets back or shoot him a text a couple of days after he gets back and take it from there. All this worrying while he's away doesn't amount to anything. What matters is the interest level when he returns and if you can pick things up where they left off.

Unfortunately you might be right! I just dont know how to change that since hes been gone and i still havent heard from him

[beemea]

Honestly, - guys are just as insecure and nervous as women are and he could be thinking the same thing "She hasn't texted me at all while i have been away..has she met someone?"

 

There is nothing clingy about saying "hey, remember that brewery/museum/tour we talked about on our last date, they are having X event on x day. when you get back in town, let me know if you would like to go" Therefore it alleviates any thought he would have about HER not connecting and if he doesn't respond - she has her answer. But if he has any doubt about her, then its blown out of the water.

 

I totally understand that it goes both ways when it comes to nervousness and not wanting to appear clingy and such but in the past with other people it ALWAYS felt like i was doing just slightly more than the other person and for once i feel like someone is actually genuinely interested but with this vacation it disrupts the natural flow of our "relationship" so to speak and puts stuff on hold which isnt bad necessarily but idk in my mind i just assumed because hes the one whos gone despite him being busy with travelling just the idea that he thought of me throughout his trip and that he thought of me enough to wanna set something up would make me feel great about our position. And how am i to know that he can even recieve any messages? so i would assume if i were him that "the reason why she hasnt reached out is because she doesnt know for sure if i could receive messages," so with that logic if i were him id think of it as my job to make the effort; since the only person who knows for sure how much communication can be given while traveling is him

[beemea]

All you can do is wait for him to contact you when he gets back or shoot him a text a couple of days after he gets back and take it from there. All this worrying while he's away doesn't amount to anything. What matters is the interest level when he returns and if you can pick things up where they left off.

 

Yes definitely! I just have no idea when that would be

[Batya33]

I definitely dont think of it as an ego thing, only because i feel i actually DO want him that much and the only reasoning in my mind for the other dates is because i felt that it would help me not place all this value on a guy who is away at the moment and in the off chance he does fade away and lose interest in me, then i wouldnt feel so crappy and disappointed because i wasnt just waiting around for him to get back; i was living my life and am entitled to meet other people as is he. i didnt feel anything for these other people but i know thats not an important part of it. he could of gone on other dates as well but the biggest thing to me is that when it comes down to it all that we choose each other, which is the point of dating, and i have that conclusion in my mind that i only want to see him and am hoping the distance we have had so far will give him that perspective as well.

 

Oh ok because first you said you met them to compare their qualities to his. You wrote that you wanted to make sure you were into him for the right reasons. That's not the same thing at all as seeing others to not put all your eggs in one basket (which I think is smart, although I personally would not have been having sex in a casual scenario so I'm not sure about pursuing others when that's going on). As far as your conclusion in your mind -that's now - but very recently you had a different conclusion and it was -for whatever reason -to keep your options open. If he is dating others or looking to date others then it's less likely he would contact you because you are one of several he is pursuing. Just as you were doing very, very recently.

 

How do you know his point in dating is to see if you ultimately choose each other? Maybe his point is simply to go on dates with women he likes and if it occurs to him at some point to only focus on one woman he will. It might not be his point or goal in dating and that's fine. You don't know because you chose not to have that discussion yet.

[beemea]

Oh ok because first you said you met them to compare their qualities to his. You wrote that you wanted to make sure you were into him for the right reasons. That's not the same thing at all as seeing others to not put all your eggs in one basket (which I think is smart, although I personally would not have been having sex in a casual scenario so I'm not sure about pursuing others when that's going on). As far as your conclusion in your mind -that's now - but very recently you had a different conclusion and it was -for whatever reason -to keep your options open. If he is dating others or looking to date others then it's less likely he would contact you because you are one of several he is pursuing. Just as you were doing very, very recently.

 

How do you know his point in dating is to see if you ultimately choose each other? Maybe his point is simply to go on dates with women he likes and if it occurs to him at some point to only focus on one woman he will. It might not be his point or goal in dating and that's fine. You don't know because you chose not to have that discussion yet.

 

See the thing with those other dates--i didnt seek them out. One of them was from this guy who i used to know from a past internship who found me on facebook and we got to catching up about that past job and he asked me to go grab some lunch with him; which i did because i didnt see the harm in that. The other guys were actually people who i met separately while having lunch outside on a work day (i work in the financial district of the city and there are tons of places to eat in this area so these other people approached me and just started up a conversation) although while on these dates i of course am paying attention to certain things about them in the off chance that they possess something that is more in line with the qualities i would like out of a future relationship, which then would cause me to really have to evaluate if this one guy who is on vacation is right for me. BUT that wasnt the case, i went on those dates and didnt see anything in these people that would make me think differently of this guy

 

So its not like im on Bumble continuing to swipe and are setting stuff up myself, im accepting the invitation because it doesnt hurt to meet new people even if these people just become my friends; i just wanna get my mind off this guy who i really want but while hes away i dont wanna be twiddling my thumbs

[beemea]

Oh ok because first you said you met them to compare their qualities to his. You wrote that you wanted to make sure you were into him for the right reasons. That's not the same thing at all as seeing others to not put all your eggs in one basket (which I think is smart, although I personally would not have been having sex in a casual scenario so I'm not sure about pursuing others when that's going on). As far as your conclusion in your mind -that's now - but very recently you had a different conclusion and it was -for whatever reason -to keep your options open. If he is dating others or looking to date others then it's less likely he would contact you because you are one of several he is pursuing. Just as you were doing very, very recently.

 

How do you know his point in dating is to see if you ultimately choose each other? Maybe his point is simply to go on dates with women he likes and if it occurs to him at some point to only focus on one woman he will. It might not be his point or goal in dating and that's fine. You don't know because you chose not to have that discussion yet.

 

and you are totally right that i have no idea his point in dating, although when we are together i get the strong sense that its only me and that he is seeking anything from anywhere else; but that was before he left

[katrina1980]

 

I just have no idea when that would be

 

Yes you do.

 

He left two weeks ago today and said he'd be gone one and a half to two weeks.

 

So either he's back already or returning today or this weekend.

 

Have you checked his Bumble location like you did after he left?

 

I agree with the poster (apologies can't remeber who, may have been abitbroken) who suggested shooting him a text about checking out the museum (or some other activity) after he returns.

 

You have nothing to lose, either he will respond accepting or he won't.

 

If he does, gauge your connection on the date. If it's still there, discuss being exclusive if that's what you want.

[beemea]

Yes you do.

 

He left two weeks ago today and said he'd be gone one and a half to two weeks.

 

So either he's back already or returning today or this weekend.

 

Have you checked his Bumble location like you did after he left?

 

I agree with the poster (apologies can't remeber who, may have been abitbroken) who suggested shooting him a text about checking out the museum (or some other activity) after he returns.

 

You have nothing to lose, either he will respond accepting or he won't.

 

If he does, gauge your connection on the date. If it's still there, discuss being exclusive if that's what you want.

 

Honestly, im afraid that by sending a message now about setting something up that he will only accept because i asked, and not because he is geniunely interested me because if he was then HE would be the one to line something up either before he left or while he was on vacation but neither happened so...

 

and like a previous poster mentioned, theres a chance he might be seeing this as more casual than i do which to me if i were to try to set up a date for when hes back and he does see us as more casual - despite all his actions tell me in person - then of course hes gonna accept a date because hes flattered i wanna spend time with him, im afraid its an ego thing for him

 

This is what has stopped me from reaching out his entire trip because i dont want him reply back to me or accept a date from me just because i brought it up, i wanna see actual effort on his part because thats what he actually wants and if he has no inclination to do so then it must not matter too much to him

[boltnrun]

That's true of every dating situation. The potential for rejection shouldn't mean we should just give up. Otherwise we'd all remain perpetually single!

[beemea]

Have you checked his Bumble location like you did after he left?

 

Oh and also i just checked the bumble and it still says he out of the country so that doesnt help at the moment lol