Will this guy i've been casually dating lose interest in me on vacation?

[Batya33]

Did i misinterpret everything? Should i assume he didnt mean things the way i took them? I feel really silly, it all seemed like a sure thing honestly that i didnt feel like we were playing games with each other i thought we had an understanding without having to state the obvious

 

Watch the feet and not the lips. What he did not what he said. Actions of interest would have been making a plan in advance to see you when he got back, contacting you to make sure he could see you ASAP after he got back and perhaps a day or so after getting over jet lag, work permitting of course. Saying nice things is lovely and prioritize what the person does. Right now about 7 women have expressed interest in meeting me for lunch or coffee -new friends, some who I've met in person, some not. What I do is put the ball back in their court by suggesting a day/days I'm available. Over 90% of the time I don't hear back despite enthusiastic messages and posts on Facebook "I want to meet new people!" in our various parenting and other groups. And that's when you see if they -or dates -mean business. Someone who wants to date you will want to see you in person regularly. So that person will make sure there are plans to do so and sometimes even back up plans. They will show you interest with actions. Especially in the beginning.

 

He probably meant what he said when he said it. No games. It's casual so perhaps being away he realized that on reflection he'd like to be on his own and/or meet other people and prioritize that or whatever. I certainly think it would be rude if he never contacted you again since you saw him a number of times.

 

Edited to add. I now have read Katrina's post. Of course agree on all her "actions" points!

[figureitout23]

Did i misinterpret everything? Should i assume he didnt mean things the way i took them? I feel really silly, it all seemed like a sure thing honestly that i didnt feel like we were playing games with each other i thought we had an understanding without having to state the obvious

 

I mean, the only real way to know is to ask. I was against you reaching out while he was vacation for reassurance but now that he's home reaching out is about knowing whether or not things are going to continue

 

I don't know if you read the sign wrong or not. I say at this point, there's no use in waiting

 

I don't know if you ever watched How I met your Mother, but they had an awesome episode that was about how a person is either a dobler or a dahmer. Of course meaning you can be john cusack from say anything with your giant boom box or Jeffrey dahmer, the crazed serial killer. It's all about how the person views you, if they're into you, your text or invite to a date is welcomed. If not there's really no amount of time that passes that'll change that.

 

It always drives me crazy when men say ' just ask us out we want women to show initiative.' No... you want women you're interested in to show interest. Anyone else is going to be labeled clingy or crazy.

 

The point of my rant is, I think you have to ask yourself which road you want to go down?

 

Option 1: you let this go. If you do this you will never truly know what his intentions were, although, I think at this point it's leaning towards hook up only. if you choose this option you avoid the sting of rejection but the what ifs may linger, it seem they're already there. Faster healing time though

 

Option 2: you reach out and get your answer. High risk, but also high reward, you will have your answer. Bad choice if you take rejection hard.

 

I'm not going to lie. I really assumed he was going to reach out when he got home.

 

Fwiw, I agree with Katrina and I'd choose option 1

[Batya33]

I also assumed it. I don't think you'll get a straight answer from him so I wouldn't ask. Not because he's a liar because most people do not want to tell the whole truth.

[Heather Dawn]

It just sounds like you're WAY more into him than vice versa. He might contact you today, or in a week - but he clearly is much, much more casual about this than you are. And that's OK, doesn't make him a bad person and doesn't mean this won't ever evolve into something serious. But right now, today, you're more deeply invested than he is.

[beemea]

Yea you guys are all very right, still pretty disappointed because i could swear we were on the same level of interest.

 

I just think that the longer he takes to reach out, the less it matters t him to keep this going. I would assume that if a guy were as interested as it seems, he would try to salvage this after knowing there hasnt been contact due to the vacation.

 

I thought i was doing the realistic thing by not reaching out while he was away, thinking that restrain would pay off for me in that it would should him that he can have an independent life outside of our "relationship", while also hoping that the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" will work too; and considering how much one on one time we spent together in person, although i started this thread with some anxiety i still wanted to be positive about it all.

I figured i was creating the anxiety in my mind when in reality i had nothing to be afraid of but i guess i was right!

[Wiseman2]

"Will work" for what? Playing the cool chick or la belle indifference or hard to get rarely pay off. It's usually a mental device to pretend you aren't as anxious or attached as you really are. All it does is create precisely the type of confusion and mixed signals you describe by this overcompensating device.

thinking that restrain would pay off for me in that it would should him that he can have an independent life outside of our "relationship", while also hoping that the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" will work too.

[abitbroken]

Honestly, the only think you have to "ask" is "want to catch a pizza friday night. I'd love to hear about the cool things you saw on your trip" not WHAT ARE WE??? Its not a huge damaging rejection if he doesn't answer or tells you no -- its a big rejection if you ask WHAT ARE WE and he fumbles a bit because he was caught off guard or won't give you a label and you are devastated over it.

[Batya33]

It just sounds like you're WAY more into him than vice versa. He might contact you today, or in a week - but he clearly is much, much more casual about this than you are. And that's OK, doesn't make him a bad person and doesn't mean this won't ever evolve into something serious. But right now, today, you're more deeply invested than he is.

 

I agree and as far as "the same level of interest" - you're still focusing on words not actions because before he left he didn't talk to you about keeping in touch while away or seeing you when he got back -not specifically.

[beemea]

"Will work" for what? Playing the cool chick or la belle indifference or hard to get rarely pay off. It's usually a mental device to pretend you aren't as anxious or attached as you really are. All it does is create precisely the type of confusion and mixed signals you describe by this overcompensating device.

 

See the thing is... my intentions were never to play games, or come off as a chill cool chick you describe, i dont think im playing the hard to get angle because before he left i saw him every chance i could and talked to him often and never acted aloof or mysterious to try to throw him off, i feel i was open and vulnerable

[figureitout23]

Honestly, the only think you have to "ask" is "want to catch a pizza friday night. I'd love to hear about the cool things you saw on your trip" not WHAT ARE WE??? Its not a huge damaging rejection if he doesn't answer or tells you no -- its a big rejection if you ask WHAT ARE WE and he fumbles a bit because he was caught off guard or won't give you a label and you are devastated over it.

 

Good point

[beemea]

Honestly, the only think you have to "ask" is "want to catch a pizza friday night. I'd love to hear about the cool things you saw on your trip" not WHAT ARE WE??? Its not a huge damaging rejection if he doesn't answer or tells you no -- its a big rejection if you ask WHAT ARE WE and he fumbles a bit because he was caught off guard or won't give you a label and you are devastated over it.

 

Yes i get its not a huge step to do - to reach out - and it wouldnt be a loss if he doesnt respond because its not like im asking that big ol question im just simply trying to set up another date, but from my perspective, if thats so easy of something to do why isnt he doing it? I mean hes the one whos been gone, i would assume hed wanna set something up to pick right back up. and if he did, i would accept and then in person show with the right actions that i enjoy our time together and that i missed him

[beemea]

Oh and also, he didnt give me a specific date that he would be back; just that it was gonna be about a week and a half to two week trip.

So im only assuming hes back at this time according to what he told me, and i feel it would come off as to eager/clingy/needy if right at the two week mark i send him a message; i dont want it to look like ive just been sitting here watching the clock when yes id like to talk to him but ive been living my life and going on those other previously mentioned dates.

I feel he should send the first message if he is back to let me know hes back in the first place, which then id be more than fine with sending a response about us getting together for a date to hear about his trip. If not, then how am i to for sure know hes back and willing to have the time to see me?

i dont think hed be gone forever, but i just feel its his job if hes into me in that way to let me know hes back from his trip, and if hes doesnt then im gonna assume he doesnt care to much to hear from me now that hes back

If it were the other way around id let the guy know i was back to initiate the whole thing again

If that makes sense

[figureitout23]

Yes i get its not a huge step to do - to reach out - and it wouldnt be a loss if he doesnt respond because its not like im asking that big ol question im just simply trying to set up another date, but from my perspective, if thats so easy of something to do why isnt he doing it? I mean hes the one whos been gone, i would assume hed wanna set something up to pick right back up. and if he did, i would accept and then in person show with the right actions that i enjoy our time together and that i missed him

 

Well if you can handle the rejection and the only reason youre not contacting is because you think 'he should' I say bite the bullet and ask him for a slice of pizza.

[reinventmyself]

. . .Or if you can reach out and just ask him how his trip was with no other intention.

 

If you can do this knowing you might be on the other end of a non response or a lack luster one and trust that it either way it won't rock you, then go ahead.

 

At least you'll have your answer.

 

It's not like you're chasing the guy and losing respect for yourself. You held off and then took a chance. Whatever the outcome, shake it off and carry on.

[beemea]

. . .Or if you can reach out and just ask him how his trip was with no other intention.

 

If you can do this knowing you might be on the other end of a non response or a lack luster one and trust that it either way it won't rock you, then go ahead.

 

At least you'll have your answer.

 

It's not like you're chasing the guy and losing respect for yourself. You held off and then took a chance. Whatever the outcome, shake it off and carry on.

 

But see i would feel like i WOULD be chasing the guy by reaching out first. I wanna be chased too

[reinventmyself]

But see i would feel like i WOULD be chasing the guy by reaching out first. I wanna be chased too

 

No one should be chasing anyone.

You are just to inquire about his trip with no agenda.

 

But apparently you see it differently. So, it's best to sit on your hands and wait for life to happen.

[beemea]

No one should be chasing anyone.

You are just to inquire about his trip with no agenda.

 

But apparently you see it differently. So, it's best to sit on your hands and wait for life to happen.

 

I just wanna see the effort come from his side first. if i hear from him first, he doesnt even have to set up anything or have an itinerary in place when he reaches out, like i said previously id be more than fine saying that i wanna hear about his trip and lets do something together and then we can talk out what we wanna do, i just wanna hear from him first to show that i was even a thought in his mind to begin with and enough of a thought to actually reach out

 

But i totally agree chasing is the wrong way to put it

[beemea]

Plus i feel like if i reach out first now, then ill never know how long it would take him to reach out first or if he even would have in the first place

[figureitout23]

Plus i feel like if i reach out first now, then ill never know how long it would take him to reach out first or if he even would have in the first place

 

Thats the price you are having to pay for not clarifying things before he left.

 

If this is about pride, let it go and contact, if its about avoiding rejection, leave it alone.

 

I know it doesnt seem like it, but it really is that black and white at this point, hes home, continue or dont. Those are your two options.

 

I mean ABSOLUTELY no disrespect when I say this but the time for him to 'prove' himself would have been before you gave him all the benefits of a relationship without him having to put in the effort of an actual relationship, as another poster says you cant put the toothpaste back in the tube.

[Batya33]

If he didn't give you a specific date he'd be back I'd wait till it's been 2.5 weeks and then contact him with a friendly hello/check in

[beemea]

Thats the price you are having to pay for not clarifying things before he left.

 

If this is about pride, let it go and contact, if its about avoiding rejection, leave it alone.

 

I know it doesnt seem like it, but it really is that black and white at this point, hes home, continue or dont. Those are your two options.

 

I mean ABSOLUTELY no disrespect when I say this but the time for him to 'prove' himself would have been before you gave him all the benefits of a relationship without him having to put in the effort of an actual relationship, as another poster says you cant put the toothpaste back in the tube.

 

I get what you're saying and i dont think that i fear rejection, ive been dating for about a year and a half now and unfortunately have dealt with rejection throughout that time. in the beginning it was hard but if they are up front about it i actually respect them.

and about the benefits of a relationship part you mentioned; i agree that i cant go backwards but that doesnt mean that that lets him off the hook for not reaching out and that doesnt mean that its ONLY up to me to keep this thing going

[Batya33]

OK so if he didn't tell you when he'd be back, didn't tell you if/when he would contact you and didn't make a plan to see you when he got back I'm not sure what he did that's wrong. Now, if he never contacts you again that would be rude on his part whether he was away or not because you've gone out enough times that he really should call even if it's to tell you he's not interested in seeing you anymore. But you agreed to this casual arrangement so you imposing some "understanding" you had or some obligation on his part to contact you as soon as he got back and would need to be let off the hook confuses me. Yes, if he doesn't contact you very soon that's an indication of lack of interest but all I think he might be obligated to do is contact you whether or not he wants to see you again.

[beemea]

OK so if he didn't tell you when he'd be back, didn't tell you if/when he would contact you and didn't make a plan to see you when he got back I'm not sure what he did that's wrong. Now, if he never contacts you again that would be rude on his part whether he was away or not because you've gone out enough times that he really should call even if it's to tell you he's not interested in seeing you anymore. But you agreed to this casual arrangement so you imposing some "understanding" you had or some obligation on his part to contact you as soon as he got back and would need to be let off the hook confuses me. Yes, if he doesn't contact you very soon that's an indication of lack of interest but all I think he might be obligated to do is contact you whether or not he wants to see you again.

 

I feel like the Bolded is exactly what he did wrong lol if you wanna see someone again you would keep them in the loop on those things.

I honestly am just thinking about sending a text. Guys are human beings too and wanna know they are being thought off too i just wanted to hear from him first

[beemea]

i really think its his job to reach out first but im going against that because i like him and if i do what ive always done ill always get the same result

[Batya33]

I feel like the Bolded is exactly what he did wrong lol if you wanna see someone again you would keep them in the loop on those things.

I honestly am just thinking about sending a text. Guys are human beings too and wanna know they are being thought off too i just wanted to hear from him first

 

No, not because of the "human being" or 'guys are human beings" excuse - and no not everyone would want to know they are being thought of in that particular situation - make the decision to-send him a text only if you want to find out if he is back and to see from his response if he's interested in seeing you again. And only if your desire for that outweighs your desire to have him contact you first.

 

Yes, if he was sufficiently interested in you he would have done those things. But you two are casual - you were fine with that before he left. So, it tells me he's probably not yet that interested in something potentially serious. He might be interested in seeing you again on a casual basis. Obviously his feelings can change in the future.