Will this guy i've been casually dating lose interest in me on vacation?

[Batya33]

It’s not bad to want reassurance. It can be bad to react to that need too often especially with a new person who is away. I have to restrain myself constantly as a parent. I tend to get too anxious and worry about my child for no rational reason and I know asking him too much if he is ok is going to make him too anxious - so if he says “I’m ok” I’ll feel reassured but then I’m subjecting him to my intensity. So I restrain myself. For his benefit. We all have to ask for reassurance at times. We all have our needy times and the people who love us get that. It’s just that if you love someone or care about the person choose carefully how often you go to them for reassurance and how often you act in a needy way.

A main reason I stopped dating the last guy I dated before I started dating my husband was because he was too needy. It was suffocating and annoying. And a shame because otherwise he’s a really good person and cute. But within the first 3 weeks it was getting bad. I told him how I felt and he asked for another chance. It was better for about a week or so then back to the same old antics. I was done.

Give this guy space while he’s away and space to get to know you.

[beemea]

I like your response Batya33!! I think the example you used about the previous person you were involved with before your husband is a great one, and I don’t want that to be me! So I will back off of the guy, even if that means that I don’t hear from him at all, at least I won’t be seen in a bad light with him

Hopefully that will make him wonder where the heck I’ve gone lol

But he could also be thinking the same thing! Like he doesn’t wanna come off as clingy or any of that either so what if we’re both playing the waiting game? Someone has to budge eventually haha

[Batya33]

I like your response Batya33!! I think the example you used about the previous person you were involved with before your husband is a great one, and I don’t want that to be me! So I will back off of the guy, even if that means that I don’t hear from him at all, at least I won’t be seen in a bad light with him

Hopefully that will make him wonder where the heck I’ve gone lol

But he could also be thinking the same thing! Like he doesn’t wanna come off as clingy or any of that either so what if we’re both playing the waiting game? Someone has to budge eventually haha

 

He is on vacation. You wished him a good trip and showed a lot of interest in him in several different ways. Since he is the one who is away, he probably should contact you - because if he asks why you didn't contact you simply say "you were away and I didn't want to disturb you."

[IAmFCA]

I have often argued the argument Someone has to budge.

 

But here is the thing. That argument is relevant if you know that each person is silencing themselves.

 

We have no reason to think he is holding himself back from contacting you. The argument is based on an assumption that is unsupportable.

 

Go back to what you know:

 

You like a guy.

You're afraid he might fade away.

 

Gut it out.

[Batya33]

I have often argued the argument Someone has to budge.

 

But here is the thing. That argument is relevant if you know that each person is silencing themselves.

 

We have no reason to think he is holding himself back from contacting you. The argument is based on an assumption that is unsupportable.

 

Go back to what you know:

 

You like a guy.

You're afraid he might fade away.

 

Gut it out.

 

As the OP wrote, rejection/vulnerability is part of dating -so if you want the upside -you've had fun dates with him and enjoyed the sex - you have to accept that there is some amount of vulnerability/fear involved. The trick is to make choices so you minimize the downside while still being involved and open to experiences involving chemistry and passion. That requires being honest with yourself about your values and boundaries. That is hard because it's easier to make excuses and rationalize. You don't have to do that as much if you're just looking for a fling because you can move on as soon as the going gets a little tough. But you want a relationship eventually.

 

So I would sacrifice the short term satisfaction of contacting him as you were suggestion for the long term goal of being a person who is thoughtful about the other person's need for space to get to know you and also acts in her own long term best interest. From reading what you wrote I think you increased the fear/vulnerability quotient by having sex with him as early as you did and without an understanding of exclusivity (and from what you wrote at one point before you were even sure that he was who he said he was). I am sure certain people would not feel more vulnerable in your situation than if they had abstained from sex until there was a commitment of some kind. But, you do. Maybe consider that for next time?

[Wiseman2]

Relax and see if he contacts you when he gets back. You can also send a text after he's back. See how it goes and pick things up when he gets back. He's off enjoying his vacation but you are pondering every imaginable angle with a guy you had a few casual dates with. That in itself is not good.

Hopefully that will make him wonder where the heck I’ve gone lol .But he could also be thinking the same thing! Like he doesn’t wanna come off as clingy or any of that either so what if we’re both playing the waiting game?

[katrina1980]

 

Relax and see if he contacts you when he gets back. You can also send a text after he's back. See how it goes and pick things up when he gets back. He's off enjoying his vacation but you are pondering every imaginable angle with a guy you had a few casual dates with. That in itself is not good.

 

Thank you Wiseman!

 

There is so much dissecting, over-analyzing and over-thinking going on, bee you're gonna over-think yourself right out of a relationship or potential relationship.

 

I get what Batya's saying about seeking reassurance and overwhelming someone, but for goodness sakes, we are talking ONE text here after two weeks no contact - "welcome back, how was your trip?" -- to break the ice and initiate reconnection.

 

You have "allowed" (hate that word) him his space to enjoy his vacay for two weeks, I hardly see how reaching out like that could even be remotely seen as needy or overwhelming.

 

When your reaching out comes from a place of confidence, strength and kindness, this is a good and positive thing and may even serve to increase his interest (assuming he lost a little while gone).

 

On the other hand, when your reaching out comes from a place of anxiety, insecurity, seeking reassurance, that will push him further away.

 

Don't under-estimate the written word, he can sense both attitudes -through the type of words you choose and the energy in how you express them.

 

And when your reaching out comes from a place of strength, security, confidence and kindness, it won't matter if he doesn't respond because you did not reach out for reassurance anyway, you contacted because you genuinely missed him, and would like to see him again!

 

If he didn't or doesn't, that's okay, you move on. Simple as that.

 

THAT is the attitude of a strong confident woman and many men love women like that!

 

Also remeber, your NOT reaching out could be taken as insecurity too. Which is precisely what's happening, is it not?

 

You want to reconnect after two weeks no contact, but are intentionally not reaching out because you are too anxious and insecure and need for him to reach out first.

 

That my dear is what's known as a "shyt test." And men know it too!

 

He may be playing the same shyt test on you!

 

I will say that if this were me, after only a month of casual dating prior to his leaving, I probably would have written him off by now.

 

If/when he contacted me when he returned and asked me out, I would see how I feel "then."

 

But since all this has actually "increased" your interest, my advice is to think about what we have "all" said, and do what's best for YOU.

 

Reach out/don't reach out, your choice, but try and relax, be genuine, true to yourself, and stop all this over-analyzing!

 

Trust it will all work out the way it's meant to! I truly believe things always do, and we learn something positive from each and every experience.

[Batya33]

Relax and see if he contacts you when he gets back. You can also send a text after he's back. See how it goes and pick things up when he gets back. He's off enjoying his vacation but you are pondering every imaginable angle with a guy you had a few casual dates with. That in itself is not good.

 

It sounds like they had more than a few dates. For me personally I found the 'just relax" well-meaning and not really helpful in those situations. I would have been pondering the same as her and been tempted to contact (but not done so)

[Batya33]

"I get what Batya's saying about seeking reassurance and overwhelming someone, but for goodness sakes, we are talking ONE text here after two weeks no contact - "welcome back, how was your trip?" -- to break the ice and initiate reconnection."

 

I think one text like that after he is back would be totally fine and very thoughtful. I thought she was going to contact him while he was still away to see if she could get reassurance by him responding while he was away. I really would like that clarified. If I were going to contact I would do it within 24 hours of his return because if she waits longer he's going to get the impression that it's a transparent "hi, you didn't contact me so I'm worried so I'm using the "how was your vacay" excuse.

[katrina1980]

My sense is she would be seeking reassurance, but she can change her mind frame about that.

 

By looking within to see where that anxiety and insecurity is coming from and make attempts to squelch. Or change her frame.

 

She admitted earlier it's because of fear.

 

I totally understand that fear too, very well!

 

But have powered through that anxiety and fear, and before I reached out to my now-boyfriend when we were chatting, I made sure I was doing it for the right reasons -- not insecurity or to seek reassurance - and if he had chosen to ignore I would have been OK.

 

Disappointed but okay!

 

I have been ignored before (ghosted), not a great feeling for sure but I never let it get to me, I simply move on. And still don't regret reaching out cause it came from my heart, from a genuine place and I was being true to myself.

[katrina1980]

bee, it's been over two weeks now, unless he extended his trip (possible), he's due back, I truly hope he reaches out!!

 

Fingers crossed!

 

Will check back later, hope to hear some good news!

[figureitout23]

"I get what Batya's saying about seeking reassurance and overwhelming someone, but for goodness sakes, we are talking ONE text here after two weeks no contact - "welcome back, how was your trip?" -- to break the ice and initiate reconnection."

 

I think one text like that after he is back would be totally fine and very thoughtful. I thought she was going to contact him while he was still away to see if she could get reassurance by him responding while he was away. I really would like that clarified. If I were going to contact I would do it within 24 hours of his return because if she waits longer he's going to get the impression that it's a transparent "hi, you didn't contact me so I'm worried so I'm using the "how was your vacay" excuse.

 

I agree.

 

I said pretty much the same thing you said earlier Kat. It's all about intent. If you're reaching out, just because you're reaching out, it comes off that way, and it causes zero anxiety, but if your text has ulterior motives and you don't get a response you just increased that anxiety.

 

If he's back and he hasn't said anything, I don't know, to me, it's not a good sign. I'm not a man obviously but I was always under the impression they dont really go through that vulnerability stage after engaging in intercourse. That's women, that's what the OPer is enduring. Like Bat said, he knows she likes him, they were apparently screwing like bunny rabbits. So I guess my question is what would be his need to play the shyt test? If he is, it just seems petty, he's the one who left. She respected that and gave him space. Now he's waiting for her to contact? I don't think I agree with that assessment.

 

I think at his point, text, don't text, his lack of contact on top of him being back on the dating site aren't the best signs so may as well get out of limbo and talk to him.

[katrina1980]

^^Tried to give you a rep point FIO, but couldn't, - I totally agree!

[Batya33]

My sense is she would be seeking reassurance, but she can change her mind frame about that.

 

By looking within to see where that anxiety and insecurity is coming from and make attempts to squelch. Or change her frame.

 

She admitted earlier it's because of fear.

 

I totally understand that fear too, very well!

 

But have powered through that anxiety and fear, and before I reached out to my now-boyfriend when we were chatting, I made sure I was doing it for the right reasons -- not insecurity or to seek reassurance - and if he had chosen to ignore I would have been OK.

 

Disappointed but okay!

 

I have been ignored before (ghosted), not a great feeling for sure but I never let it get to me, I simply move on. And still don't regret reaching out cause it came from my heart, from a genuine place and I was being true to myself.

 

Yes. And it also depends if the person would want to be with someone where he/she had to initiate contact in that situation - for some it might be just a fun story "remember when I had to chase you down lol" and for others it would taint the early impression and squelch potential, depending on the situation. You were more than fine with it and I think part of the decision of initiating has to be whether the person is ok with having had to initiate in whatever situation it is. For example, if the OP contacts this guy and he's pleased to hear from her but it's obvious he would have been fine not hearing from her, she might decide that while he is agreeing to see her it's just too lukewarm.

[katrina1980]

True (re my initiating) but remember my bf and I had not even met yet, I was not all that invested so had a lot less to lose had he chosen to ignore.

 

bee's situation is so much different that is why I said in earlier post I would be evaluating whether or not he's the right fit for me, and knowing myself may have written him off by now.

 

Still left the door open though, in case he did reach out after he got back.

 

And if he did, would simply see how I felt at that time and if I felt positive about it, let it play out.

 

I may not feel good about it though, in which case we go separate ways.

 

ETA: Bee is still very much into him though and has not written him off, so what she chooses to do would be different from I would do.

[Batya33]

True (re my initiating) but remember my bf and I had not even met yet, I was not all that invested so had a lot less to lose had he chosen to ignore.

 

bee's situation is so much different that is why I said in earlier post I would be evaluating whether or not he's the right fit for me, and knowing myself may have written him off by now.

 

Still left the door open though, in case he did reach out after he got back.

 

And if he did, would simply see how I felt at that time and if I felt positive about it, let it play out.

 

I may not feel good about it though, in which case we go separate ways.

 

ETA: Bee is still very much into him though and has not written him off, so what she chooses to do would be different from I would do.

 

Yes, same here.

[beemea]

Hello everyone, UPDATE!!!!

 

 

So its Monday, and unfortunately i havent heard from him :/ I'm assuming he got back sometime over the weekend, and i think giving it until the end of the week is a realistic time frame for him to get his life back in order here and reach out to me when he has the time and if i dont hear from him then, then i guess itll be time for me to throw in the towel on this one!

Sucks because i had very high hopes for him...

[figureitout23]

Hello everyone, UPDATE!!!!

 

 

So its Monday, and unfortunately i havent heard from him :/ I'm assuming he got back sometime over the weekend, and i think giving it until the end of the week is a realistic time frame for him to get his life back in order here and reach out to me when he has the time and if i dont hear from him then, then i guess itll be time for me to throw in the towel on this one!

Sucks because i had very high hopes for him...

 

Sorry Bee

 

A whole week in limbo...

 

You sure you want to take that route?

[beemea]

Sorry Bee

 

A whole week in limbo...

 

You sure you want to take that route?

 

I knoowww :/

i dont really know what to do now! i would obviously like it better if i heard from him sooner than having to wait a whole week, im just factoring in the other stuff he has here

i also just keep thinking back on our time together seeing if i can see if there was something that i missed, something that maybe i misconstrued or that anything really that would show that this is more casual to him than i thought if he can go this long without talking to me it doesnt seem like he will...

[katrina1980]

Hi bee and thank you for the update!

 

JMO of course, but I think you’re attempting to rationalize and justify his behavior (convincing yourself he simply needs to time to “readjust” (or whatever you’re telling yourself) because you’re not yet ready to face the harsh reality that he just doesn’t wish to pursue further (except for perhaps something very casual or a booty call whenever it suits him).

 

Facing that reality will hurt too much, and you're just not ready to deal with those emotions quite yet.

 

Not judging you for it, done it myself. And learned the hard way the guy had simply lost interest, for whatever reasons.

 

OR he had his own agenda all along, knowing he would be gone for a couple of weeks, not contacting you, and allowing it to fade out without all the typical drama.

 

Clearly if he did wish to pursue further (and as many of us have posted), at the very LEAST he would have contacted you upon his return – to make a plan and set something up.

 

I am really sorry, I hope I am wrong, but in all my experiences with men who are interested in me, this man is not, not in the way you want him to be anyway.

 

Again, just my opinion, I truly hope I am wrong. :)

[beemea]

Hi bee and thank you for the update!

 

JMO of course, but I think you’re attempting to rationalize and justify his behavior (convincing yourself he simply needs to time to “readjust” (or whatever you’re telling yourself) because you’re not yet ready to face the harsh reality that he just doesn’t wish to pursue further (except for perhaps something very casual or a booty call whenever it suits him).

 

Facing that reality will hurt too much, and you're just not ready to deal with those emotions quite yet.

 

Not judging you for it, done it myself. And learned the hard way the guy had simply lost interest, for whatever reasons.

 

OR he had his own agenda all along, knowing he would be gone for a couple of weeks, not contacting you, and allowing it to fade out without all the typical drama.

 

Clearly if he did wish to pursue further (and as many of us have posted), at the very LEAST he would have contacted you upon his return – to make a plan and set something up.

 

I am really sorry, I hope I am wrong, but in all my experiences with men who are interested in me, this man is not, not in the way you want him to be anyway.

 

Again, just my opinion, I truly hope I am wrong. :)

 

Yea you are right, unfortunately i guess i am making excuses for him when in reality it has been too long of time that has passed and what i feared would happen unfortunately has

 

I guess i should save myself the time and start moving on now...

[Batya33]

No limbo because it’s a casual relationship so in theory each date can be the last unless another date is set up. I’m really sorry he hasn’t been in touch. I’d move on right now. If he contacts you and it was an emergency or he had to extend his trip and he couldn’t contact you then you’ll deal with it should her happen. Sorry again.

[Wiseman2]

It's odd he didn't contact you at all however you don't know if he got back last night or how late etc. Maybe all this playing it over-cool, like dating others when he's gone, never texting him before he left or during the trip just isn't working for you.... Or him.

So its Monday, and unfortunately i havent heard from him :/ I'm assuming he got back sometime over the weekend

[beemea]

Did i misinterpret everything? Should i assume he didnt mean things the way i took them? I feel really silly, it all seemed like a sure thing honestly that i didnt feel like we were playing games with each other i thought we had an understanding without having to state the obvious

[katrina1980]

I have learned to never assume anything; you just never know what someone’s agenda truly is until they start showing you through their actions (or in this case non-actions) what’s happening.

 

That can take a while, a month, two months, however long it takes them to realize you (or this relationship) isn’t what they want and/or it’s simply time to move.

 

Sounds like you’re too focused on the “beginning” versus what’s happening NOW – he didn’t contact you at all while gone, and has not contacted you when he returned.

 

That is a very strong message, a red flag, please pay attention to that, and not attempt to rationalize it in your head as okay, when it’s clearly not. Not in my opinion anyway. Casual dating or not.

 

As I said, it’s also quite possible he had his own agenda all along, knowing he would be gone, not contacting you and allowing it to fade out without drama.

 

There are men like this. This is actually what I suspect happened, what I’ve been suspecting all along but didn’t want to say it because I didn’t want to sound too negative.

 

With regard to making future plans, going forward, when in the very early stages of dating, and a man starts in with the future talk, let it go one ear and out the other.

 

There is actually a name for it, it’s called “future faking.” He may be caught up in the moment, or is intentionally misleading you for his own selfish purposes, but it’s never wise to actually take him at his word, at this very early stage.

 

Again, in one ear and out the other, until full trust is developed, you become exclusive and you know his intentions are genuine and he’s in this for the right reasons.

 

Again, I truly hope I am wrong about this, and that he contacts you soon (before the week plays out), makes a plan to see you, and you can begin building something solid.

 

I know all this hurts like hell, again BTDT, I think we all have in some form or another.

 

Feel better, hugs and as always continue to keep us updated on what's happening, your feelings, etc.

 

This forum is not just for giving advice, but also to support you when going through tough times.