Will this guy i've been casually dating lose interest in me on vacation?

[Batya33]

I applaud you Bee, it's too easy to deem all men/women crap and close oneself, it takes real courage to still go out there and give people the benefit of the doubt, risking disappointment !

 

On the matter of contact, I would honestly reply if a ghoster suddenly came back to life and without being rude, just say that you have no more time for people who disappear out of nowhere, this isn't respectful and you have no need for people who don't respect you time.

 

So he knows he can't pull crap, you were assertive and won't risk hearing from him again and again, every time his other dates or whatever left him alone.

 

I wouldn't waste my breath lecturing. I would simply respond "thanks for reaching out. I'm no longer interested in seeing you. I wish you all the best." no need to make enemies and he's not going to learn anything from a lecture and will just know, yet again, how interested she was in him.

[boltnrun]

If he is indeed a jerk and she gives him a dissertation on why what he did was rude and wrong and explains how it made her feel, he'll just write her off as a "clingy psycho".

 

Waste of time, IMO.

 

Who cares what he thinks anyway if he is indeed a jerk.

[Last Gentleman]

If he is indeed a jerk and she gives him a dissertation on why what he did was rude and wrong and explains how it made her feel, he'll just write her off as a "clingy psycho".

 

Waste of time, IMO.

 

Who cares what he thinks anyway if he is indeed a jerk.

 

I didn't say she has to tell him how she felt, you just show you're not a person to be f***ed with, very coldly and calmly, just my view some of these jerks, try to come back from time to time, this doesn't make you clingy and avoids having to deal with them anymore !

[boltnrun]

I didn't say she has to tell him how she felt, you just show you're not a person to be f***ed with, very coldly and calmly, just my view some of these jerks, try to come back from time to time, this doesn't make you clingy and avoids having to deal with them anymore !

 

Sigh...I didn't say she was "clingy", I wrote that if he is a jerk he could just refer to her as clingy.

 

And if he is indeed a jerk he won't care if she tells him she isn't one to be messed with. He'll just move on to someone else.

 

Again, waste of time IMO.

[Last Gentleman]

Sigh...I didn't say she was "clingy", I wrote that if he is a jerk he could just refer to her as clingy.

 

And if he is indeed a jerk he won't care if she tells him she isn't one to be messed with. He'll just move on to someone else.

 

Again, waste of time IMO.

 

So ghosting a ghoster is the solution... Even if the guy is a jerk I say don't lower to his level and "waste" 10 seconds of writing, to be in peace !

[abitbroken]

You misread what I wrote. When I dated, if you wanted a long term relationship it was of course important to show interest in the guy but it was more effective to let the man do more or most of the asking out in the beginning stages of dating. Call it sexist if that's what you think -it likely is. Perhaps things have changed. .

 

If you want to go on a date --- ask a guy out. if you want to date a guy who is actually very interested in you and won't just go with you because he likes the band you are seeing --- give the guy a green light and then let him do the asking. Giving a green light gives him an opening to do so if he wants to.

 

I don't think its sexist. Its working on human nature.

 

Like i say - if a woman simply wants to go on a date to go on a date -- ask away. My brother was on both sides of the coin a lot and did go out with women who asked him out -- but he hardly ever was interested in any of them and it either did not result in a second date or he saw her as a friend and she got upset/incessant about calling him because she felt she was misled (i mean, SHE asked him out repeatedly and did the pursuing ..."??)

[Batya33]

If you want to go on a date --- ask a guy out. if you want to date a guy who is actually very interested in you and won't just go with you because he likes the band you are seeing --- give the guy a green light and then let him do the asking. Giving a green light gives him an opening to do so if he wants to.

 

I don't think its sexist. Its working on human nature.

 

Like i say - if a woman simply wants to go on a date to go on a date -- ask away. My brother was on both sides of the coin a lot and did go out with women who asked him out -- but he hardly ever was interested in any of them and it either did not result in a second date or he saw her as a friend and she got upset/incessant about calling him because she felt she was misled (i mean, SHE asked him out repeatedly and did the pursuing ..."??)

 

Yes, I agree and I think it is sexist in the sense that in my experience most guys I wanted to date (and the guys my friends and acquaintances wanted to date) were flattered, but put off also, by a woman who asked them out. It didn't seem to work the other way.

 

Yes, there was one time a guy asked me out to see the Stones. I'd met him at a wedding. I didn't think I could be romantically interested in him and really wanted to go to the concert. I told him that. He said that was fine, he still wanted me to go because he didn't want to go alone and preferred to go with a "date". No way could I have afforded the ticket price (I was a new college grad making next to nothing) and he knew that. So I went, we had a nice time, and yes he was annoyed from what I recall when I declined to see him again. So yes I get it - people can hear what they want to hear.

[saluk]

Hmm, male perspective... I think the simplest answer is probably the right of it. In the time away he lost interest. Upon returning, he did not want to face you again, perhaps knowing that you had probably gotten more attached than he had. And chose the coward's response. Tough break, but at least you didn't sink too much time into it, and have a pretty definitive answer at this point. I'm a bit ambivalent on ghosting these days, in a lot of cases I do not mind if we both mutually stop communicating. But in this case there was clearly enough investment on both sides that that was not fair, even if you were not technically exclusive.

 

Have fun on the second date with this other guy!

[Batya33]

Hmm, male perspective... I think the simplest answer is probably the right of it. In the time away he lost interest. Upon returning, he did not want to face you again, perhaps knowing that you had probably gotten more attached than he had. And chose the coward's response. Tough break, but at least you didn't sink too much time into it, and have a pretty definitive answer at this point. I'm a bit ambivalent on ghosting these days, in a lot of cases I do not mind if we both mutually stop communicating. But in this case there was clearly enough investment on both sides that that was not fair, even if you were not technically exclusive.

 

Have fun on the second date with this other guy!

 

I agree but in this situation she texted him so it's even worse that he "ghosted"

[saluk]

I agree but in this situation she texted him so it's even worse that he "ghosted"

 

Yeah, he is downright mean to not respond. Still, if it were me I would prefer this to either not texting and getting this (non)-answer; or him continuing to mess me about.

[purplepaisley]

On my initial read of the first post, my thought was my goodness, how in the world could he "forget" about the OP? Or move on? For me, if I was headed off for two weeks and met this great guy, there would be a part of me wishing this trip wasn't happening just so I could have more time, and of course my own insecurity would be that while I'm away, he loses interest or meets someone else. But regardless, I would be reaching out, text, FB, email...just to say "hi" while on this trip. Not necessarily all day every day, but I would want to "touch base," keep that momentum. The bottom line is, I would WANT to reach out...I'm still here, thinking of you. This guy didn't.

 

I would contact him when I got home. Even if I had to push back seeing him due to jet lag and having to get back to work, I would contact and hopefully get a date sooner over later. This guy didn't.

 

As for the OP, there was so much anxiety around whether or not to contact or him not contacting you, and I understand your trying to be patient and let him take the lead, as he is the one who is presumably super-busy on this trip, but on that same note, if it were me, I would have tossed out a text after a few days asking how his trip was going. I don't think this is needy or clingy, but more "I care" in addition to demonstrating that you haven't "forgotten" about him in his absence. I feel like the onus was on him to reach out, but at the same time, I don't want to suffer the "what ifs" if I didn't try...make it known my interest level...guys need that as much as women...some validation (or what's the right word?).

 

You reached out when he was presumably home, only to be met with crickets...ouch! I'm so sorry. It's really hard. I've BTDT...things are great and gone...what.just.happened? But you extended yourself and your availability, and that's all you can do...you have that...you tried.

 

It's absolute crazy-making. It's like the whole world is functioning on some level of ADD; that 24 hours of no contact has them off in...oh, look, a chicken! Off on that new, shiny bauble. That's how it feels sometimes.

 

In a new relationship, you don't want to lose that momentum, which is why that extra time and extra communication takes place...and then it hopefully settles to something more realistic and both parties have more confidence in the relationship...no guarantees, and insecurities still exist, but you reach a point of confidence. In your case, things went so well before his trip, it's a real blindside that it just ended so abruptly. I would love to know what he was thinking.

 

I have had guys re-emerge after ghosting...weeks or months, even. I was so smitten, I gave it another shot...and the end result was the same as the first...another disappearing act. If this guy comes back around, I'm not going to tell you *not* to pursue it (though you probably shouldn't), but I will tell you to be cautious and don't have high expectations...and communicate a little more about your expectation. No matter how uncomfortable. If he high-tails it because this comes across as "clingy," and "needy," so be it. You have certain expectations and goals, and if he's not it, he's not it.

 

I don't think you have been terribly unrealistic in your expectations. Sure, you've had anxiety and insecurity...will he forget about me?...but we all do. :) Overall, I think you were reasonable.

[Batya33]

I think it’s great to miss each other and give space after seeing each other 13 times in a month. And if the guy hadn’t bothered to make advance plans with me or at least generally “I plan to be back on x day and would love to see you ASAP after that - will keep you posted - then no I would not contact him especially if he was with family.

[katrina1980]

@Batya, I hesitated getting back into this thread but wanted to respond to this ^^ .

 

You said "IF the guy hadn't bothered to make advance plans, you would not contact him, especially if he was with his family."

 

First off not sure what difference being with his family makes, assuming he was into her, guarantee he would have loved receiving her text! Regardless of whether he was with family, friends or whomever.

 

Nothing clingy about that at all. In fact the opposite, it reflects confidence.

 

Second, I don't understand this "if the guy hadn't bothered...." attitude.

 

That sounds so negative! Like he was lacking in some sort of proper dating etiqutte because he failed to set up something specific and did not say just the right words prior to him leaving.

 

I mean up until the time he left, they were dating very consistently, making future plans etc.

 

Based on that, I believe it would be reasonable to expect that when he returned, they would pick up where they left off, regardless of whether he made a specific plan or not.

 

And third, jmo but I think having the attitude -- "IF" he does *this* (just the way I need and expect), "I" will do *that* -- is the wrong attitude.

 

I don't understand this mentality, where we should be shyt testing each other like that. Which is what that is.

 

And what if HE thought the same thing? "IF" *she* texts me while I am gone, "I" will reach out when I return.

 

I dunno maybe I misinterpreted what you wrote, but that is how I read it and believe that type of mindset is not conducive to having a happy harmonious relationship and fostering mutual trust.

[Batya33]

Yes you misinterpreted. I wouldn’t want to disturb someone who was on vacation with his family. I would contact a new person in my life who I was casually dating only if we’d made plans to see each other when he returned - firm plans. When I dated casually I assumed each date was our last unless we had firm plans time and place to see each other again. Not in a negative way. In a realistic way. I’m a big fan of two people having the space to miss each other and a big fan of people getting their space when they are on vacation. When I dated I did not have a cell phone. We kept in touch by email and instant messaging and by phone. At some point the men I dated had cell phones. I had a blackberry so I could email on the go. And I did of course.

And yes give and take is important to me too depending on the individual situation. We teach people how to treat us. It’s a balance. Right now there are two people who I’ve stopped contacting because I’ve reached out a number of times to make a plan and now the ball is in their court. So even if I felt like reaching out again I’d restrain myself because I wouldn’t feel good if I had to do all that work just to make a plan for lunch.

 

You read what I wrote as negative and rigid. One of the reasons I was able to meet as many people as I do and get married to a lovely guy is because my times of feeling jaded and bitter were really short lived - very rare and over in a matter of hours. Part of that is because I expected to be treated with respect and like a lady - lovely sexist term I know. And I knew myself and boundaries as far as casual sex. Those choices plus having a thick skin kept me sane in the sometimes crazy world of dating. And now that I have a son I’m so glad I genuinely like and respect men and they in general I was treated properly.

[katrina1980]

I read it as negative because the way you worded it, it sounded negative.

 

Like some sort of quid pro quo thing -- if he does this, I will do that.

 

Or, if he doesn't do this (bother to make a plan), I won't do that (shoot him a short text).

 

Appreciate your clarification.

 

I agree to giving each other space and it's good to miss each other, but you can do that without falling off one's radar altogether, for two entire weeks no less.

 

These early stages are so very precarious for both people, where both people are assessing and evaluating each other.

 

I see no reason why she couldn't have sent a quick text mid vacay saying hi, hope he's having a great trip.

 

Of course HE could have too, and I still feel the same about him as I did throughout this thread.

 

Anyway, there are a lot of unanswered questions, and it all seems very strange given how much consistent time they spent together prior to him leaving, making future plans, etc.

 

You always say "watch the feet, not the lips" -- I interpret that as meaning focus on actions, not his words, and in his case his actions (prior to him leaving) suggested he was very interested in her and interested in developing something substantial with her.

 

Anyway, again thanks for clarifying.

 

Bf and I are off to Comic-Con now -- crazy weekend!!

[Batya33]

I read it as negative because the way you worded it, it sounded negative.

 

Like some sort of quid pro quo thing -- if he does this, I will do that.

 

Or, if he doesn't do this (bother to make a plan), I won't do that (shoot him a short text).

 

Appreciate your clarification.

 

I agree to giving each other space and it's good to miss each other, but you can do that without falling off one's radar altogether, for two entire weeks no less.

 

These early stages are so very precarious for both people, where both people are assessing and evaluating each other.

 

I see no reason why she couldn't have sent a quick text mid vacay saying hi, hope he's having a great trip.

 

Of course HE could have too, and I still feel the same about him as I did throughout this thread.

 

Anyway, there are a lot of unanswered questions, and it all seems very strange given how much consistent time they spent together prior to him leaving, making future plans, etc.

 

You always say "watch the feet, not the lips" -- I interpret that as meaning focus on actions, not his words, and in his case his actions (prior to him leaving) suggested he was very interested in her and interested in developing something substantial with her.

 

Anyway, again thanks for clarifying.

 

Bf and I are off to Comic-Con now -- crazy weekend!!

 

Have fun! I don't think his actions before were consistent with wanting to see her after he returned because he didn't make a plan in advance to see her or at the very least make it clear that although he didn't know when he was exactly coming back he would keep her posted and plan something as soon as he knew. (For one example - not the gold standard, just one example - when my husband knew he was going to be away for 2 weeks after our third time seeing each other -when we got back together -he made a plan with me for a Saturday night two weeks in advance -and yes we also kept in touch daily while he was away but by that point we were basically back together)

[Last Gentleman]

@Batya, I hesitated getting back into this thread but wanted to respond to this ^^ .

 

You said "IF the guy hadn't bothered to make advance plans, you would not contact him, especially if he was with his family."

 

First off not sure what difference being with his family makes, assuming he was into her, guarantee he would have loved receiving her text! Regardless of whether he was with family, friends or whomever.

 

Nothing clingy about that at all. In fact the opposite, it reflects confidence.

 

Second, I don't understand this "if the guy hadn't bothered...." attitude.

 

That sounds so negative! Like he was lacking in some sort of proper dating etiqutte because he failed to set up something specific and did not say just the right words prior to him leaving.

 

I mean up until the time he left, they were dating very consistently, making future plans etc.

 

Based on that, I believe it would be reasonable to expect that when he returned, they would pick up where they left off, regardless of whether he made a specific plan or not.

 

And third, jmo but I think having the attitude -- "IF" he does *this* (just the way I need and expect), "I" will do *that* -- is the wrong attitude.

 

I don't understand this mentality, where we should be shyt testing each other like that. Which is what that is.

 

And what if HE thought the same thing? "IF" *she* texts me while I am gone, "I" will reach out when I return.

 

I dunno maybe I misinterpreted what you wrote, but that is how I read it and believe that type of mindset is not conducive to having a happy harmonious relationship and fostering mutual trust.

 

There it is !!! That's what I see as double standard and always try to voice, these expectations that men are supposed to fill, otherwise you wouldn't do anything.

Now reverse the table and imagine for a minute women did the asking and are expected to fill requirements for guys to continue engaging, doesn't that seem stupid

and a bit egoistical this onesidedness, wouldn't you feel a bit sour and bored if no man ever did much effort towards you !?

I agree with Kat it looks like a negative way of seeing dating, but don't see this as sh** tests, rather than entitlement to your wants and needs while not giving what

you ask for in return.

 

That's what a lot of men go through, I am quite happy to lead for the first 3 dates, but then if I am still supposed to do things, because of some kind of gender

expectations, I'm out ! You respect people's time and treat them equally or I'm not giving you any time simple as that no !?

[Batya33]

There it is !!! That's what I see as double standard and always try to voice, these expectations that men are supposed to fill, otherwise you wouldn't do anything.

Now reverse the table and imagine for a minute women did the asking and are expected to fill requirements for guys to continue engaging, doesn't that seem stupid

and a bit egoistical this onesidedness, wouldn't you feel a bit sour and bored if no man ever did much effort towards you !?

I agree with Kat it looks like a negative way of seeing dating, but don't see this as sh** tests, rather than entitlement to your wants and needs while not giving what

you ask for in return.

 

That's what a lot of men go through, I am quite happy to lead for the first 3 dates, but then if I am still supposed to do things, because of some kind of gender

expectations, I'm out ! You respect people's time and treat them equally or I'm not giving you any time simple as that no !?

 

I wrote another post clarifying. What she wrote is not how I feel about the issue and was not gender-based. Back when I dated it was ineffective -with rare exception - to find a long term relationship -and not just a date or a fling - by asking out a man especially more than once in the beginning of dating. I went with what men seemed to want as far as roles in dating -would have been happy to ask men out more often or equally in the beginning. Given what I knew back then and given my timing issues I wasn't interested in going against what worked and what the men I knew and knew of were comfortable with. Had I been a person who wanted a man who liked for the woman to be the leader romantically, to be in control romantically and had I been someone who believed equality in the workplace was the same as the definition of equality in romantic relationships, I would have prioritized finding men who were comfortable with being asked out (meaning not just flattered in many cases) because obviously a more traditional romantic relationship would not have been for me. For me, a more traditional romantic relationship was more for me. It would have been MUCH easier if the men I dated were comfortable with the woman doing more of the asking or even half of the asking out in the beginning because I was darn good at it and not afraid of rejection. I stopped dating in 2005. I think it has changed but I'm not sure. I wish it had been different for me because it would have been much easier.

 

It was hard to let the man take the lead. I worked hard at showing interest in many other ways and I am naturally social/flirty so that wasn't an issue for me. "For me" is the operative word. So if you like read my clarification and if you don't like that's ok too (but please understand it's a misinterpretation of what I wrote)- you seem to be searching to prove something about how unfair dating and romantic relationships are for me. Go for it if you like -for me it's a bit too negative.

[Last Gentleman]

I wrote another post clarifying. What she wrote is not how I feel about the issue and was not gender-based. Back when I dated it was ineffective -with rare exception - to find a long term relationship -and not just a date or a fling - by asking out a man especially more than once in the beginning of dating. I went with what men seemed to want as far as roles in dating -would have been happy to ask men out more often or equally in the beginning. Given what I knew back then and given my timing issues I wasn't interested in going against what worked and what the men I knew and knew of were comfortable with. Had I been a person who wanted a man who liked for the woman to be the leader romantically, to be in control romantically and had I been someone who believed equality in the workplace was the same as the definition of equality in romantic relationships, I would have prioritized finding men who were comfortable with being asked out (meaning not just flattered in many cases) because obviously a more traditional romantic relationship would not have been for me. For me, a more traditional romantic relationship was more for me. It would have been MUCH easier if the men I dated were comfortable with the woman doing more of the asking or even half of the asking out in the beginning because I was darn good at it and not afraid of rejection. I stopped dating in 2005. I think it has changed but I'm not sure. I wish it had been different for me because it would have been much easier.

 

It was hard to let the man take the lead. I worked hard at showing interest in many other ways and I am naturally social/flirty so that wasn't an issue for me. "For me" is the operative word. So if you like read my clarification and if you don't like that's ok too (but please understand it's a misinterpretation of what I wrote)- you seem to be searching to prove something about how unfair dating and romantic relationships are for me. Go for it if you like -for me it's a bit too negative.

 

You still don't get it, it's not about your story and you say it yourself you stopped dating after 2005, I'm afraid without sounding condensending, you do not realize how it is nowadays and again it's not about you, but about the 2018 mindset of people in dating, men seem to still be expected to behave traditionaly while women can do however they like, this isn't equality that's all I'm saying.

So either we are for equality in any situations for any gender, or we don't and then no one should be complaining about it.

[Batya33]

You still don't get it, it's not about your story and you say it yourself you stopped dating after 2005, I'm afraid without sounding condensending, you do not realize how it is nowadays and again it's not about you, but about the 2018 mindset of people in dating, men seem to still be expected to behave traditionaly while women can do however they like, this isn't equality that's all I'm saying.

So either we are for equality in any situations for any gender, or we don't and then no one should be complaining about it.

 

No, you don't get it - I am not interested in debating with you because you have some sort of agenda that involves picking apart what I wrote and interpreting it to suit your agenda that men are not treated equally in romantic relationships. I'm complaining about nothing and I've shared my opinions and no I do not agree that "equality" is the same in professional and personal relationships, nor do I agree that equality in the workplace is limited to gender. But, you are complaining. You are entitled to complain/vent, whatever and to have your opinions. And if others would like to engage in a debate with you that's of course their perogative. I'm not interested and I haven't posted to be "right" about gender equality. I posted to assist the OP.

 

The OP has not heard from this guy and the guy acted like a jerk IMO by not responding to her text and his jerkiness in my opinion has nothing to do with gender and actually very little to do with a romantic relationship -it would have been jerky had it been a close friend of hers who ghosted in this way. And, yes, I know a lot, vicariously, about dating and relationships that is very current -and that's because my friends who are dating share a lot with me and because I am well-read on top of that, and I set people up on dates regularly. In any event I wasn't claiming to know what is going on now and in my view 2005 is not that long ago.

 

Where I do put my energy into is continuing to work on my relationship -my marriage - if not daily than almost - and we spent years developing our relationship, and some of that had to do with what was fair in various contexts. So I've been in the front lines so to speak and glad to do the work . To me that's a much better way to spend my time than complaining about how women have it unfair, how it's unequal, how dating is unequal - when I have felt that way, I have taken actions to try to change things or supported others who are trying to change things. And if I can't or don't want to change it at that moment then I try to redirect from venting/complaining -it's simply not healthy for me or for anyone around me.

 

There's a place for venting and complaining for sure but I prefer that to be a minor and rare part of my life - keep the pity parties short is what I say because it's so easy to just vent - the negative comfort zone. Much harder to act. And not just when it comes to dating/relationships IMO.

[abitbroken]

No, you don't get it - I am not interested in debating with you because you have some sort of agenda that involves picking apart what I wrote and interpreting it to suit your agenda that men are not treated equally in romantic relationships.

 

he has an agenda frequently - about how men get the short end of the stick.

[figureitout23]

he has an agenda frequently - about how men get the short end of the stick.

 

Oh thank goodness. I thought I was the only one who saw it.

 

There's a place for venting and complaining for sure but I prefer that to be a minor and rare part of my life - keep the pity parties short is what I say because it's so easy to just vent - the negative comfort zone. Much harder to act. And not just when it comes to dating/relationships IMO.

 

Excellent statement, btw.

[Last Gentleman]

he has an agenda frequently - about how men get the short end of the stick.

 

What a waste of time !

 

Yeah everyone has an agenda, all men are sexist if they don't agree blabla I was talking equality from my side of spectrum, I'm a man oh shocker, don't debate me as usual just make blanket statements and I'm kind of evil and always angry rethoric... Yeah easy.

 

There so much things wrong in dating, I think the forum shows this on both genders, but nooooooo there can be no complaining and pointing out it's still not equal, well I'm done trying to discuss in a civil manner with people that cannot consider other points of views for even a second, then complain they don't understand men... And yeah I'm ranting for once, good luck with your one-sided point of views of relationships bye !