Will this guy i've been casually dating lose interest in me on vacation?

[katrina1980]

Lol. They dated a month, he went on vacation, lost interest...and now he's a sociopath?

 

Please read the rest of my post, he misled her through his actions and then ghosted when done.

 

I don't know if he's a sociopath but what he did suggests no conscience, no integrity, qualities sociopaths possess.

 

It's fine he lost interest, it happens, no argument from me there - explain that to her for cripes sake - don't just ghost!

 

Only a month, but they had 13 dates during that one month, come on.

[Batya33]

More thoughts.

 

Some posters are really harping on this "casual" arrangement you had going with him, which apparently according to some should somehow lessen the blow of him ghosting or something.

 

That is how I am interpreting their posts, I could be wrong.

 

Ghosting HURTS and people who ghost are weak and spineless, whether it's four dates (like my situation was), four weeks, or four years!

 

Also, just because you never formally discussed exclusivity, does NOT automatically deem what you had "casual"!

 

Where did that come from, did you describe it as casual bee?

 

13 dates (3 dates per week), sexually intimate on half those dates, planning future dates, consistently in touch in between your dates, this was NOT casual!

 

Your building something! So I wish that casual reference would stop being used as some sort of justification.

 

In your particular situatin, him mis-leading you the way he did through ACTIONS, him ghosting you the way he did was more than him just being a "jerk" - he's a spineless coward, no conscience, no integrity, he's a loser!

 

He may even be a sociopath, who knows, but what I think he did (in your particular situation - seeing you 3 times a week, making future plans etc) and then ghosting when he's dine is unconscionable!

 

Frankly, although I am not the type to lash out, not only would I feel hurt and disappointed, I would be pissed!

 

Ok done with my little rant

 

And again, curious to where this "casual" reference came from, 3 dates per week, lots of sexual intimacy, making future plans, taking in between dates, I am sorry this is not "casual" dating, exclusivity talk or not.

 

I think it's casual in the sense that each can date others or look to date others -as she did shortly after he left for vacation. I think whether casual or serious, after a month of dating he owes her a phone call and certainly a response to her well-meaning and thoughtful text. What jerky behavior. I don't think it has anything to do with trusting men, trusting people, or anything to do with any understandings she thought they had about their connection in the month they dated. I simply think that a human being in this case- man or woman - should not go MIA if his/her plan is not to see the person again and especially not if the other person thoughtfully reaches out (meaning if the person sends a threatening text then I can see going MIA for safety but we need not go there -she sent a lovely well-meaning text. He acted like a jerk.).

 

I think we just have different understandings of casual -to me casual is prior to talking about and deciding that you're not going to date others or look to date others no matter how many dates you've been on and whether sex has occurred or not. Before that it is casual dating IMO. It is not a serious relationship, there are no long term goals, or serious intentions. Each date can be the last because it's casual. I don't mean that emotions feel casual -maybe they do, maybe not. I do think that if someone has strong emotions that person has the responsibility to be honest with himself or herself as to whether he is ok continuing a casual dating arrangement or whether he/she would like exclusivity and talk about future intentions, that sort of understanding, before proceeding further. I would not have gone into a long distance arrangement with my future husband without exclusivity and neither would he, for example, because we didn't want to put the time or energy or effort or emotions into maintaining and redeveloping our connection without knowing we were all in. And when we made that decision it was another 2 months until we had sex.

 

By contrast I once dated someone for 6 months casually. We saw each other once or twice a week. We didn't have sex. We were not in love. We enjoyed each other's company and we ended things when we decided we wanted to pursue serious relationships but not with each other. At the time I casually dated him I was recently out of a relationship and wasn't really looking for anything serious. He never assumed we were exclusive and vice versa. I did go on dates with others. He might have as well. We had a nice time together and I'm glad we dated. In hindsight we probably should have stopped dating about 6 weeks earlier because I had to study for a huge exam and was so stressed and wasn't really "present" -I was so exhausted all the time. We didn't argue or anything but I probably shouldn't have been dating anyone!

[figureitout23]

I agree with you Kat. Except for the sociopath thing. I think he's just like many men today who have realized a lot of women think you get a man by leading with sex.

 

And I agree with you people preach it's 2018 of you enjoy casual sexual you enjoy it but the stigma is still there. It's not going to go away. Instead of being taught that your body is meaningles, young women should be taught to know what sex means to them. They aren't we're told it's a mechanical act like brushing your teeth. All on this board, I've never seen anyone say that in real life. But yeah one month, 13 dates and poof disappeared and she should have expected it? I call bull as well. But I also think it was her responsibility to speak up. If you can take your pants off you can clarify things.

[katrina1980]

 

I think he's just like many men today who have realized a lot of women think you get a man by leading with sex.

 

 

Agree but is that what bee was doing or did?

 

Believing if she had sex (the sooner the better) she would "get" him?

 

I could be wrong, but I didn't sense that from reading her posts.

 

They met, felt a strong connection, a sexual pull, wanted to have sex so "they" did.

 

And let it play out from there.

 

I do agree she could have clarified things, but then again, given his actions and how consistent they were, and the amount of time they spent together, perhaps she didn't feel the need to do that.

 

Lesson learned.

[Batya33]

Even though I knew casual sex was not for me (and I was tempted in my teens and 20s but luckily did not go for it) I am sure there are women and men who simply like having sex, whether it involves a personal connection or not -personal meaning emotional - obviously it's pretty darn personal. I am uncomfortable imposing my opinions about sex on others especially if the others are two single consenting adults. In this case I think the OP wasn't quite honest with herself about how she gets attached through sex.

[katrina1980]

To add to my last post, even if she had clarified things, who knows if he would have been honest with her.

 

He seemed to have his own agenda, and as I said, him ghosting the way he did suggests no conscience, no integrity (or very little), and people who lack integrity will say and do anything to serve their own agenda.

 

I realize I am being very harsh on this guy, but I feel very strongly about this (obviously).

 

To me, when bee chose to have sex or under what circumstances is irrelevant. The outcome would have been the same regardless. Meaning, when he was done, he ghosted.

 

Ghosting is not okay and I wish folks (some not all and not just on this thread or forum) would stop justifying it as "oh it's just how things are done now" - ugh!

 

Not you figureitout, but generally speaking.

[Batya33]

To add to my last post, even if she had clarified things, who knows if he would have been honest with her.

 

He seemed to have his own agenda, and as I said, him ghosting the way he did suggests no conscience, no integrity (or very little), and people who lack integrity will say and do anything to serve their own agenda.

 

I realize I am being very harsh on this guy, but I feel very strongly about this (obviously).

 

To me, when bee chose to have sex or under what circumstances is irrelevant. The outcome would have been the same regardless. Meaning, when he was done, he ghosted.

 

Ghosting is not okay and I wish folks (some not all and not just on this thread or forum) would stop justifying it as "oh it's just how things are done now" - ugh!

 

Not you figureitout, but generally speaking.

 

I am not going to assume that. He might have had genuine intentions then changed his mind and then taken the rude/cowardly way out.

[katrina1980]

I am not going to assume that. He might have had genuine intentions then changed his mind and then taken the rude/cowardly way out.

 

Batya, I am not *assuming* anything either, which is precisely why I said "who knows" his behavior "suggests" or he "may" be.

 

I have no definitive opinion either way, I am simply speculating based on the info bee has provided about their relationship and his actions. And perhaps projecting a bit too, I will own that.

 

That said, regardless of whether he lacks conscience/integrity, had his own agenda all along, OR he simply changed his mind and chose the rude/cowardly way out, him choosing to ghost was just wrong.

 

JMO. It was not how I was raised to treat people.

[Batya33]

Batya, I am not *assuming* anything either, which is precisely why I said "who knows" his behavior "suggests" or he "may" be.

 

I have no definitive opinion either way, I am simply speculating based on the info bee has provided about their relationship and his actions. And perhaps projecting a bit too, I will own that.

 

That said, regardless of whether he lacks conscience/integrity, had his own agenda all along, OR he simply changed his mind and chose the rude/cowardly way out, him choosing to ghost was just wrong.

 

JMO. It was not how I was raised to treat people.

 

Sounds good! I was not raised to treat people like that either. I agreed with you the entire time about the ghosting whether they were serious or otherwise. I don't think he had any agenda anymore than she did. I don't even know what kind of "agenda" he could have had - an agenda to date her for a month then go MIA once he went on vacation? That doesn't seem likely. I don't see why he would make that plan - she was glad to date him and have sex with him and apparently more than fine with keeping her options open because she kept going on dates and looking to go on dates once her schedule freed up while he was away. She certainly is the victim of his rude behavior at the end -that's hurtful and needlessly so.

[figureitout23]

Sorry for the horrible typos, I wrote that first thing in the morning and then went about my day, haha.

 

I do think it is leading with sex.

 

Whenever a woman can take her clothes off in front of a man but afraid to clarify the relationship that's a huge indication the woman lead with sex. I equate it to a man leading with friendship and afraid to tell the woman how he feels. The intention was there but you try to back door your way in. I'm just being blunt, Indont buy the idea that 'oh I just went into this not expecting anything and then feelings develop.' Women aren't like men, ok most women aren't like men. We are MUCH more selective about the men we sleep with. For a woman to be casual, it's casual, as casual as a man and like a man it usually doesn't change. She went into this full speed because her intentions were full speed, she tried to protect herself by dating others but her emotions were already tied to this guy.

 

I'm not saying this guys not a jerk, he is, big one, BUT we as women need to protect our emotional health a whole lot more than we are right now, what i was trying to say through all of my typos was that in 2018 there's this meaningless sex movement and many many many women are not hookup minded but they're lead to believe that's how they have to be and they don't.

 

I'm not speaking on the speed of her sleeping with him. I slept with the last guy I dated after a month or so, but I knew where his head was at. Before him was my FWB where I had NO idea where his head was at, night and day experience. I fell for the hype, never again. I wish more women realized it's hype and men know what to do to play the game. If you are not hookup minded, 'hope for the best' is going to be a horrible way to date.

 

He's a major jerk off though, no question. And I was one of the responders that thought for sure he would pick things back up when he got back.

[Batya33]

Sorry for the horrible typos, I wrote that first thing in the morning and then went about my day, haha.

 

I do think it is leading with sex.

 

Whenever a woman can take her clothes off in front of a man but afraid to clarify the relationship that's a huge indication the woman lead with sex. I equate it to a man leading with friendship and afraid to tell the woman how he feels. The intention was there but you try to back door your way in. I'm just being blunt, Indont buy the idea that 'oh I just went into this not expecting anything and then feelings develop.' Women aren't like men, ok most women aren't like men. We are MUCH more selective about the men we sleep with. For a woman to be casual, it's casual, as casual as a man and like a man it usually doesn't change. She went into this full speed because her intentions were full speed, she tried to protect herself by dating others but her emotions were already tied to this guy.

 

I'm not saying this guys not a jerk, he is, big one, BUT we as women need to protect our emotional health a whole lot more than we are right now, what i was trying to say through all of my typos was that in 2018 there's this meaningless sex movement and many many many women are not hookup minded but they're lead to believe that's how they have to be and they don't.

 

I'm not speaking on the speed of her sleeping with him. I slept with the last guy I dated after a month or so, but I knew where his head was at. Before him was my FWB where I had NO idea where his head was at, night and day experience. I fell for the hype, never again. I wish more women realized it's hype and men know what to do to play the game. If you are not hookup minded, 'hope for the best' is going to be a horrible way to date.

 

He's a major jerk off though, no question. And I was one of the responders that thought for sure he would pick things back up when he got back.

 

I really believed also that she would hear from him. So, I see your distinction. I agree that for people for whom sex is simply a fun, pleasurable act, and they don't get attached in an emotional way, typically those same people are not looking for a relationship. Certainly, people who meet and have a one night stand go on to be seriously together, to be married. But yes in the context where the woman has sex before she knows the person well at all and before a talk about intentions but then wants to, but lets fear stop her from asking about his intentions, then yes I agree with you.

 

Meaningless sex is not a new thing at all. In fact is was much more prevalent IMO pre-HIV and into the early days of HIV when it was thought to be limited to gay men who were promiscuous. In the mid 80s my friend said to me that she had a sex buddy and when I was concerned she said I just didn't get it -that sex could just be meaningless fun. We were college freshmen. I think it's more in the forefront now because people can find meaningless sex on Tinder, for example and don't have to go out to a bar or club.

[figureitout23]

Good point bat.

[Last Gentleman]

Sorry for the horrible typos, I wrote that first thing in the morning and then went about my day, haha.

 

I do think it is leading with sex.

 

Whenever a woman can take her clothes off in front of a man but afraid to clarify the relationship that's a huge indication the woman lead with sex. I equate it to a man leading with friendship and afraid to tell the woman how he feels. The intention was there but you try to back door your way in. I'm just being blunt, Indont buy the idea that 'oh I just went into this not expecting anything and then feelings develop.' Women aren't like men, ok most women aren't like men. We are MUCH more selective about the men we sleep with. For a woman to be casual, it's casual, as casual as a man and like a man it usually doesn't change. She went into this full speed because her intentions were full speed, she tried to protect herself by dating others but her emotions were already tied to this guy.

 

I'm not saying this guys not a jerk, he is, big one, BUT we as women need to protect our emotional health a whole lot more than we are right now, what i was trying to say through all of my typos was that in 2018 there's this meaningless sex movement and many many many women are not hookup minded but they're lead to believe that's how they have to be and they don't.

 

I'm not speaking on the speed of her sleeping with him. I slept with the last guy I dated after a month or so, but I knew where his head was at. Before him was my FWB where I had NO idea where his head was at, night and day experience. I fell for the hype, never again. I wish more women realized it's hype and men know what to do to play the game. If you are not hookup minded, 'hope for the best' is going to be a horrible way to date.

 

He's a major jerk off though, no question. And I was one of the responders that thought for sure he would pick things back up when he got back.

 

Really nice to read this as I also think the same, today's culture within women is insane claiming you are "strong independent" so you can do whatever and bait men with sex and not care, going

too fast for your own emotional needs and getting burned for this. There's nothing wrong in wanting to wait doesn't make you weak and quality men won't rush you, they'll respect this, but

unfortunately sex has become for younger people like fast food... not all women want this of course.

 

Though this guy might be an ass**** and just wanted sex though investing a month in a woman for this I don't know, I still think now you ladies are exaggerating here, there's always a major

double standard I see in such posts. If the gender were reversed, we had the story of the woman going on vacation and changing her mind, then I venture a guess that lots of you would say,

"you have the right to change your mind and don't owe him anything" so just not pursuing the relationship.

But when a guy that didn't even make promises or anything, changes his mind he's bad or leading women on, well sorry we also can change our minds or meet someone else just out of luck,

that doesn't make anyone a jerk. Was he a coward then ghosting and not replying, sure absolutely but not necessarily of an agenda or being bad.

 

I am right now in exactly this situation, been dating a woman I find great and this week she's in a festival, didn't text me at all and I'm letting her enjoy it, then next week she'll be on travel

and I am prepared that if I don't text her, she'll never do and after her coming back nothing I might never hear from her again, does this make her a jerk, not really but that isn't someone I

would want to associate with, doesn't align with my standards but this is human nature everyone function as they want.

 

Of course this being said, I never ghosted on women I hate that it happens already a lot to me, so I'm not doing this to women and speaks of someone's character of course, but you're I think

dissing this guy a lot not really having the other side of the story, because his mindset and understanding of the situation might be vastly different, men and women don't function the same.

He might be an ass**** sure, or he might not no one can be sure anyway, just a little bit fed up of this everyone is a jerk mindset, people are shades of grey !

[Batya33]

I don’t care about gender or changing ones mind. Where’d a man orvwoman changed their mind about continuing to date if it’s been more than 3 or 4 dates in my opinion youvdotncjdit stop asking the person out and fade out. You get in touch. Typically men ask women out so if the woman changes her mind then it might be awkward to call and say “if you were going to ask me out again I’d say no” but if he calls her she needs to respond. No I don’t think it’s ghosting after a first meet or a first date to a few dates depending on what was said about keeping in touch. No double standard.

I think the whole I am strong so I have sex is only one reason a woman has casual sex and often is not a reason at all other than in old movies about it. I think people have casual sex because it feels good and it’s fun. I never did because it had too many downsides for me. I did at one point in the sense that we weren’t officially back together and that likely was a mistake because it caused unnecessary complications for us.

In general I don’t relate to comparing going for it in professional contexts with going for it in romantic contexts. To me it’s mostly apples and oranges. The way you go for it as far as pursuing a romantic relationship is different for a woman from going for it to advance one’s career. I saw the op post about calling him because you go for what you want. I think she’s conflating two different goals professional and romantic and she realized it was just an excuse to call him. Then she texted him which I thought was fine to do since she thought he was back from vacation. He acted like a jerk and gender has nothing to do with it.

[Last Gentleman]

Typically men ask women out so if the woman changes her mind then it might be awkward to call and say “if you were going to ask me out again I’d say no” but if he calls her she needs to respond. No I don’t think it’s ghosting after a first meet or a first date to a few dates depending on what was said about keeping in touch. No double standard.

 

Yes exactly double standard, we are in 2018 women can call men and ask for dates... because with your thinking the onus of having the pressure of ending it, is solely on men,

yet everyone is talking about how they want equality ! You want equality well then you have to risk feeling awkward as you said, it is not fun ending things even respectfully,

some women will yell and call you names or cry even in public, talk about feeling awkward !

 

I'm not defending this guy in particular, but it is very easy for women to just always wait on the men to make the moves, you have literally no pressure so it's easy to complain

this guy is a jerk, that one didn't do this or that, but only he has the pressure on his shoulders not you ! so either you want 1960s type of dining and courting or you want 2018

everything shared, but you can't ask for 1960s courting and then expect the whole society to treat you 2018 style, this is a double standard whether you want to see it or not.

 

I paid so many meals to dates that I wouldn't mind honestly having the equal treatment, still waiting though... equality where are you ???

 

All this being said this guy is likely to be a jerk, was just making a point again treat people as you'd want to be treated !

[figureitout23]

Please don't quote me in your rant about women. We've established you and I do not think alike lastgentleman.

 

Women protecting their hearts and you facing your insecurities and misplaced anger are two different things, boo

[katrina1980]

LG, no one is arguing that he did not have the right to change his mind. Of course he did!

 

Where did you get that anyone took issue with that? We didn't and don't.

 

You also said the onus is on men to pursue and reach out.

 

Maybe you missed this but the OP *did* reach out when he returned!

 

She received no response, he ignored her.

 

This is after, for all intents and purposes, a pretty intense one month dating -- three dates per week, discussing future plans, lots of chat in between dates, and okay, the sex.

 

Not on all their dates, approx half, which suggests he was in this for more than just sex.

 

Prior to him leaving, he even discussed with her stuff they could do together when he returned!

 

I get he lost interest, that's fine, it happens. We all have, I have, you have, we all have.

 

But for the love of *** don't just ignore her.

 

How much "courage" does it take to shoot a quick text or respond to her text saying he enjoyed dating her but realize it's not the right fit, he met someone else, and wish her the best.

 

THAT is the issue here, NOT that he lost interest. Or that they had early sex.

 

With regard to sex, I am not even going to comment on that because it's not even about that in this particular situation.

 

I posted this earlier but I too was ghosted, and we had NOT had sex yet.

 

My sense from reading OP's posts was that she was not "leading" with sex - she was attracted to him, he was attracted to her, and they mutually decided to have sex. I know some others disagree and that's fine.

 

In fact, there was no mention in any of her posts that she had any expectations because they had sex (unrealistic or otherwise) nor did she regret having sex.

 

The sex was a non-issue for her.

 

Her concern was that he had not contacted her at all during his vacation, he did not contact her when he returned, did not respond to "her" message and has ghosted her.

[katrina1980]

^^ and I would feel the exact same way if tables were turned -- and it was the woman who had ignored and ghosted a man.

 

No double standard about that whatsoever.

 

In fact I have stopped being "friends" with women because of this.

 

Women (some not all obviously) do it too and it's just wrong.

 

Done with rant!!

[Last Gentleman]

Please don't quote me in your rant about women. We've established you and I do not think alike lastgentleman.

 

Women protecting their hearts and you facing your insecurities and misplaced anger are two different things, boo

 

I can quote whoever I want, you don't have any more right to tell me what to do than me to you.

But do refrain to attach your perceptions on me I'm not doing this on you, not insecure so keep your "boo" no need for disguised mokery here let's keep civil.

[Last Gentleman]

^^ and I would feel the exact same way if tables were turned -- and it was the woman who had ignored and ghosted a man.

 

No double standard about that whatsoever.

 

In fact I have stopped being "friends" with women because of this.

 

Women (some not all obviiously) do it too and it's just wrong.

 

Done with rant!!

 

This has nothing to do with the story here I was refering Batya's post, not the specific situation at hand, I totally agree with you on that matter and thanks for debating and not calling me angry or silly stuff, that's what I expect of people in this forum !

 

We can't all agree but at least debate politely.

[figureitout23]

Did it look like I was trying to be obtuse? Sorry not my intention.

 

Do not twist my words to fit into your white knight rants.

 

There's nothing I dislike more than any individual blaming their shortcomings on other people. It just comes off to me as incredibly cocky and insecure, not saying you, but if you the shoe fits, so when words that I type are used to further that kind of agenda it's irritating.

 

I hope that was more clear.

[Last Gentleman]

Did it look like I was trying to be obtuse? Sorry not my intention.

 

Do not twist my words to fit into your white knight rants.

 

There's nothing I dislike more than any individual blaming their shortcomings on other people. It just comes off to me as incredibly cocky and insecure, not saying you, but if you the shoe fits, so when words that I type are used to further that kind of agenda it's irritating.

 

I hope that was more clear.

 

I'm sorry you want to read blame and judgement in all I'm writing really, I'm explaining things as I see them devoid of feelings, I'm a man I'm not always having feelings within what I say, you might not understand my thinking and that's okay.

 

Great example of missunderstanding between the sexes if one was needed

 

But you're again being rude calling me a white knight ranting, I mean we agree to disagree, but stop being offensive please.

 

Not here to"fight" this is getting tiring.

[katrina1980]

This has nothing to do with the story here I was refering Batya's post, not the specific situation at hand, I totally agree with you on that matter and thanks for debating and not calling me angry or silly stuff, that's what I expect of people in this forum !

 

We can't all agree but at least debate politely.

 

Both my posts were based on your post 238 (in respomse to figureitout's post), specifically second paragraph. :)

[Last Gentleman]

Both my posts were based on your post 238 (in respomse to figureitout's post), specifically second paragraph. :)

 

Yes and I was speaking hypothetically, reversing roles to make people think if some of these reactions would be more understandable or acceptable, then replied to Batya's interpretation.

 

I'm only every being the devil's advocate, nothing else.

[abitbroken]

I'm not defending this guy in particular, but it is very easy for women to just always wait on the men to make the moves,

 

He was the one who was going to be away -- not her. So yes, the onus was on him in this situation, but she took initiative anyways and contacted him.

So you can't argue your point in this case.