Will this guy i've been casually dating lose interest in me on vacation?

[Maddyb12]

I’m sorry :( that is a huge bummer. But you tried and did your part! I went through many similar situations before my current boyfriend, keep your head up

[Heather Dawn]

Then yes he is being a jerk and choose not to let his jerkiness control you and move on ASAP. I'm sorry.

 

Yeah, he's ghosting you. That's a shame. I would NOT text him again.

[katrina1980]

Hey bee, wondering how you're doing, hope you're okay. :)

 

I gotta say I for one am pretty shocked he just ghosted you. I truly thought he would contact you when he got back if for no other reason, occasional sex? And still keeping things casual.

 

I mean, 13 dates in one month's time, that doesn't even sound like casual to me, that's three dates a week! And having sex on half those dates which would suggest sex was not all he was after.

 

Knowing myself as I do, if I'm honest I am not sure I could just let that go!

 

Right or wrong, I'd want to reach out and ask him, hey what happened? I thought we had a great connection!

 

NOT in a nasty or accusational way, just general confusion.

 

I was ghosted last summer after four dates, no sex yet but there *was* a connection. I sent a couple of texts saying hi (which was standard for me anyway), no response.

 

Some time passed and I reached out again. A very nice text just expressing general confusion about why he chose to just disappear.

 

Not because I wanted anything to work out between us (I was done by then), just to expression confusion in a genuine way.

 

Around three months later, he responded back explaining (admitted to having commitment issues), and wanted to start dating me again!

 

I was dating a new guy by then, so said no, but in truth I would not have wanted to pick it up again anyway because I felt very bad about what had happened, being ghosted like that.

 

I did feel better he finally explained, it made sense to me and we became friends.

 

So my reaching out served a purpose and am glad I did. But even if he had not responded, I still would feel okay about reaching out because I was terribly confused and it came from my heart.

 

I dunno, curious how others feel about what I did.

 

Obviously I am not used to be ghosted! So that may have been part of my confusion as well!

 

I think ghosting is absolutely the lowest thing one can do and so cowardly (especially in your case after seeing each other so consistently, three times a week and great sex).

 

Call me naive but I still find it hard to believe people can do that! I mean do they not have a conscience, geez!

 

So I am torn between suggesting you reach out (again non accusatory) just asking what happened, OR simply letting it go.

 

I didn't post about my experience at the time but curious what others think.

 

In any event, I hope you're okay! I know this a big cliche but time really does heal.

 

((Hugs))

[IAmFCA]

Like Kat, I would reach out, after waiting until I wasn't thinking about it so much. I would keep it short and light, and probably I would make a joke, like "Still swimming back from the islands?" but then - even if we see each other - fade. If the vibe was strong, I would end up re-engaging - who am I kidding? But that sort of beginning never evolves into something stable and sustainable.

[katrina1980]

I dunno FCA, why keep it light?

 

Do you consider being ghosted the way bee's guy ghosted her to be light?

 

Something to crack a joke over?

 

And what would be your purpose, hoping to charm him and date him again?

 

Why would you want to date a man who ghosted you again?

 

These days I am more into being genuine, real and honest.

 

If I am confused (which I would be) I would be expressing that, not make a joke.

 

*IF* I were inclined to reach out again. I did but every situation is different.

 

Not judging you for wanting to do it that way, I just don't understand what purpose it would serve.

 

Be real.

 

JMO.

[Luffbug04]

Katrina1980 How long were you seeing this guy prior to him disappearing on you? And do you believe him when he said he disappeared because of commitment issues?

I too would have reached out. It’s too bad you didn’t post your story on here because I’m genuinely curious. But I agree to reaching out for peace of mind.

[katrina1980]

Katrina1980 How long were you seeing this guy prior to him disappearing on you? And do you believe him when he said he disappeared because of commitment issues?

I too would have reached out. It’s too bad you didn’t post your story on here because I’m genuinely curious. But I agree to reaching out for peace of mind.

 

Not long just four dates, but the dates were long, and quite intimate from a mental and emotional standpoint (we had not had sex yet).

 

He even admitted that (prior to ghosting),

 

I don't know what it is about me, but guys have told me I am "different" from most chicks, very easy to talk to and open up with.

 

Guys have been telling me this since high school, no joke!

 

My current boyfriend said same thing too!

 

I can't say for sure, but what I think happens with some guys is they feel comfortable opening up, but perhaps it was too soon, too premature, so they pull back.

 

The guy I mentioned simply disappeared altogether!

 

Yes I believed him about his commitment issues, I knew his history and when he returned he went into this long spiel about it because he wanted me to understand it wasn't about me, per se.

 

I also understand commitment issues cause I have struggled too and my own brother is a huge commitment phobe!

 

So what he explained made sense.

 

I still didn't want to date him again though, but after talking, my confusion was cleared (for the most part) and we became "friends".

 

We don't talk anymore though, because I am exclusively dating my boyfriend and didn't feel comfortable with it.

 

I explained that to him and he understood.

[katrina1980]

I also want to add that reaching out in this way - asking what happened and expressing confusion versus lashing out in an angry way OR acting "cool" essentially sweeping it all under the rug - requires a certain *vulnerability* (obviously).

 

I created a thread about that too. I used to fear being vulnerable, didn't feel comfortable with it, was always the "cool girl" making a joke and keeping things "light."

 

Ultimately it blocked true intimacy and in retrospect, my relationships were cold and distant.

 

After many relationship failures and much introspection, soul-searching and self-reflection, I am much more comfortable being vulnerable now, and my current RL is benefitting greatly from it!

 

Much more genuine, real and HONEST!

[IAmFCA]

I also want to add that reaching out in this way - asking what happened and expressing confusion versus lashing out in an angry way OR acting "cool" essentially sweeping it all under the rug - requires a certain *vulnerability* (obviously).

 

I created a thread about that too. I used to fear being vulnerable, didn't feel comfortable with it, was always the "cool girl" making a joke and keeping things "light."

 

Ultimately it blocked true intimacy and in retrospect, my relationships were cold and distant.

 

After many relationship failures and much introspection, soul-searching and self-reflection, I am mich more comfortable being vulnerable now, and my current RL is benefitting greatly from it!

 

Much more genuine, real and HONEST!

 

Agree.

 

And given that something genuine real and honest isn't developing here, if that is the goal, then that argues for no further contact at all.

 

Two people need to be responsible, and he appears to be ducking that responsibility. I always leave room for someone else's life to have taken a surprising turn. A family event or work event can derail us from a new social connection. But the end result is the same, the person is not available for something substantive, and no further contact is necessary.

[katrina1980]

 

But the end result is the same, the person is not available for something substantive, and no further contact is necessary.

 

No argument from me there, I totally agree!

 

Which is why I didn't wish to date him again.

 

Still didn't stop me from wondering what happened though, so after about a month I reached out asking.

 

My goal was not to work anything out, that was over for me.

 

I was simply seeking understanding, it was the first time being ghosted like that and the not knowing why was eating at me.

 

So I reached out in a genuine and honest way, he responded and I got my understanding.

 

I do think the general consensus would be to NOT reach out for reasons you explained which make sense too!

 

Bottom line bee, do what is most comfortable for you and be true to yourself.

 

I've always danced to my own drummer, sometimes it works out, sometimes not.

 

I always learn something though and try to take away something positive.

[IAmFCA]

I dunno FCA, why keep it light?

 

Do you consider being ghosted the way bee's guy ghosted her to be light?

 

Something to crack a joke over?

 

And what would be your purpose, hoping to charm him and date him again?

 

Why would you want to date a man who ghosted you again?

 

These days I am more into being genuine, real and honest.

 

If I am confused (which I would be) I would be expressing that, not make a joke.

 

*IF* I were inclined to reach out again. I did but every situation is different.

 

Not judging you for wanting to do it that way, I just don't understand what purpose it would serve.

 

Be real.

 

JMO.

 

To your questions: if it was casual in the first place - despite the frequency of contact, she calls it casual in some way - then maybe it works.

 

I keep it light because I don't presume ill intent and because I really am just raising a hand. If there was miscommunication or my text never went through or his text to me went to my land line or some other misunderstanding... I presume I don't know what happened. The point of contact is to invite contact. Blank slate.

 

If this were a relationship that I had thought was developing into something more substantive, real, and long lasting, then I might send a message that conveys my last words. Generally confirming that (1)we are not dating, (2) while some think ghosting is kindest method, I would have preferred a conversation [and maybe I say why such as because we have good foundation for friendship/always learn something/etc] and (3) I appreciate x and wish him well.

 

In this instance, though, it isn't clear that he had any serious intentions, and so such a measure seems out of step.

 

I doubt I would request clarification, because his actions tell me what I need to know. The second, light, text confirms that -- depending on if he replies and how. It is unlikely that he would overlook two texts unless he really weren't interested and couldn't deal with the chore of finding a kind way to say so. If he replies with a breadcrumb, I can ignore, I can state what I want, I can ask for a walk and gather more information; I can go any number of directions.

 

But I would only bother if he served a purpose for me, in current time, that contributed to my understanding of what I might want when I find my actual match.

[IAmFCA]

OP

 

Kat is on point with this idea: Whatever you do, including no further contact, learn from it. Listen to your inner voice, identify your motivations, and pick out the ones that come from a place of fear and doubt, if any. If you find those, address them some other way. Yes you WILL find your path / life partner / comfort zone. Sometimes we forget to have faith in our path and hang on too long; if that is your motivation, find a way to let go of this connection. Study the process of connecting and disconnecting with him. Improve it for next time; each time we learn, we get closer to our goal.

[beemea]

Thank you all for the responses! I definitely dont regret sending a message; before i thought hard against it because i wanted to see his effort but by sending the message myself and not getting a reply that showed me that he wouldnt have made the effort to begin with so i would have been "waiting" for nothing!

 

Its unfortunate, and i am bummed about it because this time and this person seemed different (dont we all say that haha) but i actually dont see it as much of a loss, i know ill be okay and maybe who knows later on down the road i might have some curiousity on the subject and reach out for some more clarity but its honestly okay if dont get any answers from him. These things happen and it seems like it happens to me a lot but im going to take this blow as gracefully as i can and do my best to learn and adapt from it

I feel really REALLY dumb for over analyzing the whole situation but maybe that was my gut telling me that this is the end for him and I, despite it going well sometimes they just change their mind

[beemea]

This situation however makes me hesitant to trust anyone. Like i believe everything here and was open because i genuinely didnt think i was being taken for a fool but that exact thing was happening..

If they are doing all the right things, how do you know its truthful and that they wont let you down? because i thought that was the case here

[Batya33]

This situation however makes me hesitant to trust anyone. Like i believe everything here and was open because i genuinely didnt think i was being taken for a fool but that exact thing was happening..

If they are doing all the right things, how do you know its truthful and that they wont let you down? because i thought that was the case here

 

Taken for a fool? No - did he promise to call you when he got back? Yes, what he did was jerky but I wouldn't go there as far as assuming that he saw potential for the long term. You knew each other a month, you agreed to a casual arrangement, you sought out and went on dates with others when he was away -casual. He didn't let you down he simply acted like a jerk in not telling you he didn't want to see you anymore.

 

My suggestions - FWIW. Don't see someone 13 times in the first month -keep it closer to 6 or so. Be direct about what you are looking for. Be direct about any expectations you have if sex is involved. If you're not comfortable being direct then don't have sex (because I think you got more attached because of the sex -obviously not everyone does).

 

He wasn't "doing all the right things" -mostly he was "saying all the right things". Big difference. You can assume he meant what he said at the moment he said them - but because you two decided to keep it casual he had no obligation to see you again. But after a month IMO he had the obligation to call you and tell you that he didn't want to see you again, especially because you contacted him.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It's disappointing. Next time have the exclusive conversation before sex, if that's what you want. This was very casual dating for 4 weeks, but you claim that's what you wanted. Decide before a lot of "insane chemistry" happens what you want out of something for yourself. Also slow down and only see someone on dates on weekends at first, don't strive for an insta-relationship and over saturating the dating.

There was never a conversation about "what we are" or anything along those lines. I'm under the impression that since there hasn't been a conversation--so that i dont feel hooked on one person who might kinda fade away-- that i should continue to casually date until there is a decision made that we only specifically want to see each other

[Batya33]

Sorry to hear this. It's disappointing. Next time have the exclusive conversation before sex, if that's what you want. This was very casual dating for 4 weeks, but yo claim that's what you wanted.

 

I would advise not tying it to whether you have sex or not. I would wait to have sex until you two are exclusive with potential for the long term (again FWIW) but ideally you both should want to be exclusive not because having sex comes with more attachment, health risks, pregnancy risks but because you want to focus just on each other and see the potential for serious commitment.

[IAmFCA]

Bee,

 

It can be difficult to trust our own judgment when we start dating someone, and especially when we feel affection for someone.

 

Remember that dating is a process of getting to know someone. All relationships end except for the one you are in (assuming a monogamous baseline). It isn't about him doing the right things -- that is the baseline of how one behaves -- nor is it about letting you down. It isn't as if you were dependent upon him for your future or anything else.

 

He decided to disengage, and he (apparently) decided that his actions would speak for themselves. Had he told you it wasn't a long-term thing, you would be in the same place.

 

Ghosting is a drag when we fill in the empty moments with "did i hear from him today?" The end result is, no relationship, and that result is the most frequent one.

 

For me, my dating behavior evolved into lots of 1st and 2nd dates, and no relationships, for several years. It wasn't always as simple as that, but pretty close. I got tired of the disengagement process, and chose to attach very rarely. (Even now that I am in a relationship, I have come to question the entire concept of attachment, but that is a whole different discussion.)

[Heather Dawn]

I wouldn't reach out again... He's made it clear where he stands, and it will make you look desperate (in his mind) if you reach out again after he's already ghosted you. I'd move on and not look back.

[IAmFCA]

I wouldn't reach out again... He's made it clear where he stands, and it will make you look desperate (in his mind) if you reach out again after he's already ghosted you. I'd move on and not look back.

 

Agree -'only nit picking about how it look to him. Who cares? We can drive ourselves crazy wondering how we look to others. I would argue that there is nothing left to be said and no purpose to advance, and so why bother.

[Last Gentleman]

This situation however makes me hesitant to trust anyone. Like i believe everything here and was open because i genuinely didnt think i was being taken for a fool but that exact thing was happening..

If they are doing all the right things, how do you know its truthful and that they wont let you down? because i thought that was the case here

 

You can't and I've felt defeated like you right now, but somehow after a while you realize that if you can't ever have the courage to be vulnerable, you'll never experience much joy in life.

Because like it or not it stands for lots of things, take risks and be vulnerable and great stuff might happen to you, do not risk being vulnerable don't trust anyone and you're sure to live a

pretty tasteless and boring existence, that's the 2 choices in front of you now I think you see which one is better in the long run !

But you can also opt out of dating if it makes you more miserable than it's worth.

 

Also noting a while back you said, texting first makes you think you're losing dignity or something, so would the other person have to also lose their dignity when texting first ? I don't know

this is very weird, why would you think this way and then be annoyed that the other person wouldn't text, looks to me as too much from a EGO perspective, no one has to lose dignity.

[Wiseman2]

Dating casually for 4 weeks with a nebulous understanding between you two should not make you 'hesitate to trust anyone'. He didn't betray you or trick you. You simply were more invested and jumped into a vague situation too fast thinking that spending a lot of time and overnights together meant that it was an exclusive relationship. Then he left, you refused to text him and dated others. So who has the double standard here? The most important person to trust is yourself.

This situation however makes me hesitant to trust anyone. Like i believe everything here and was open because i genuinely didnt think i was being taken for a fool. how do you know its truthful and that they wont let you down? because i thought that was the case here

[Batya33]

You can't and I've felt defeated like you right now, but somehow after a while you realize that if you can't ever have the courage to be vulnerable, you'll never experience much joy in life.

Because like it or not it stands for lots of things, take risks and be vulnerable and great stuff might happen to you, do not risk being vulnerable don't trust anyone and you're sure to live a

pretty tasteless and boring existence, that's the 2 choices in front of you now I think you see which one is better in the long run !

But you can also opt out of dating if it makes you more miserable than it's worth.

 

Also noting a while back you said, texting first makes you think you're losing dignity or something, so would the other person have to also lose their dignity when texting first ? I don't know

this is very weird, why would you think this way and then be annoyed that the other person wouldn't text, looks to me as too much from a EGO perspective, no one has to lose dignity.

 

But I don't think this is a good example of that. I don't think on balance she should have taken the risk of seeing him 13 times in one month and having sex with him in a casual arrangement because she knows herself, this has happened to her before and she ends up getting too attached in a casual situation. And since she met other men and pursued other men she wasn't being vulnerable -she was keeping her options open. Certainly texting wasn't a big deal either way.

 

I agree in a healthy interaction between two people it's essential to be vulnerable if you're going to get closer. It's also essential to know yourself so that you can balance how much to open up, when, and with whom -without resorting to generalities like "men are humans and want love so I'll text him" or "I should just go for it because that's how you get things in life" - I am glad the OP stopped herself from making those kinds of excuses -for her they would have been excuses to circumvent the process of knowing herself and being honest with herself. That's the kind of game that leads to the cynical attitude she is expressing now -that somehow men can't be trusted because of this guy who acted like a jerk at the end. Prior to that he was entitled to assume she was fine with a casual arrangement.

[katrina1980]

More thoughts.

 

Some posters are really harping on this "casual" arrangement you had going with him, which apparently according to some should somehow lessen the blow of him ghosting or something.

 

That is how I am interpreting their posts, I could be wrong.

 

Ghosting HURTS and people who ghost are weak and spineless, whether it's four dates (like my situation was), four weeks, or four years!

 

Also, just because you never formally discussed exclusivity, does NOT automatically deem what you had "casual"!

 

Where did that come from, did you describe it as casual bee?

 

13 dates (3 dates per week), sexually intimate on half those dates, planning future dates, consistently in touch in between your dates, this was NOT casual!

 

For all intents and purposes, you were building something! So I wish that casual reference would stop being used as some sort of justification.

 

In your particular situation, him mis-leading you the way he did through ACTIONS, him ghosting you was more than him simply being a "jerk" - he's a spineless coward, no conscience, no integrity, he's a loser!

 

He may even be a sociopath, who knows, but what I think he did (in your particular situation - seeing you 3 times a week, making future plans etc) and then ghosting when he was done is unconscionable!

 

Frankly, although I am not the type to lash out, not only would I feel hurt and disappointed, I would be pissed!

 

Ok done with my little rant

 

And again, curious to where this "casual" reference came from, 3 dates per week, lots of sexual intimacy, making future plans, taking in between dates, I am sorry this is not "casual" dating, exclusivity talk or not.

[Wiseman2]

Lol. They dated a month, he went on vacation, lost interest...and now he's a sociopath?

He may even be a sociopath