Will this guy i've been casually dating lose interest in me on vacation?

[beemea]

Nah, not necessarily. I was just saying that communication goes two ways. I think it was good to leave the ball in his court, but since you haven't heard from him, it would be fine to touch base and see how he is. I always know people are in a state of panic when they overthink a text. The worst that can happen is that he doesn't respond right away, because he's busy. Then, you let it go until you hear from him.

 

If I started seeing someone before a trip, a little text that asked how I was would bring a smile to my face. Stop worrying and just show the guy you like him.

 

This is good advice! i see it both ways and know that maybe it wouldnt hurt for him to know im thinking of him while hes away but then the idea of initiating contact when i am fully aware hes busy, i really dont wanna come off as clingy because i would like for the pace to be set by him because i have had a good feeling about him from the start. I wanna assume that goes both ways but being that communication is very important and implies effort going both ways, i have kept myself from reaching out and instead thought that just keeping busy and living my life is a better idea at the moment.

[Amalia13]

Just be normal. I always continue communicating while on vacation. I'm not busier while traveling, I'm busier while working. I'm just not on a predictable schedule while traveling, and dealing with different time zones.

I've been aloof, I've been in contact everyday. It doesn't matter. Don't worry about making mistakes or acting "wrong". Just be yourself. Anything less is playing games. If two people want the same thing, they will work it out.

[beemea]

Just be normal. I always continue communicating while on vacation. I'm not busier while traveling, I'm busier while working. I'm just not on a predictable schedule while traveling, and dealing with different time zones.

I've been aloof, I've been in contact everyday. It doesn't matter. Don't worry about making mistakes or acting "wrong". Just be yourself. Anything less is playing games. If two people want the same thing, they will work it out.

 

That's true, and from the beginning i told myself that in this situation all i wanna do is make sure that i am authentically myself with him because i want someone to continue to want to see me for who i am not because i put up some fake version of myself. i believe that has worked for me in this situation its just i guess im used to guys leaving just as fast as they entered my life and would like for this one stick around so i guess i in a way regret that i didnt say anything to him. i dont wanna scare him away and thought that being myself while also "going with the flow" that it would work itself out

[beemea]

I figure that the best thing i can do right now going forward since his vacation is already half way through is just to be happy to hear from him when he comes back and be happy and in a positive mood so that he will feel good being around me again. Also maybe mention to him that by him being on the vacation it made me miss him and that i kind of see i dont wanna date other people and that i just want him to know that

[figureitout23]

You are so right! i honestly don't really care to date other people but for some reason feel maybe im making that decision too quickly so am still putting myself out there. but i would like to just be straight forward to him if i see him again when he comes back that "hey, i think we get along great and i dont wanna put any pressure on you because id rather you make your own choices instead of anyone forcing the other into anything they arent ready for, but i dont really care to see anyone else because i enjoy spending time with you so much and just want you to know that"

 

Relax, like someone else said, just be normal. The 'no pressure' talk is insincere and again pretending to be the 'down for whatever girl' just say whats in your head naturally, don't try to hide who you are. Maybe its just me but saying to someone, "hey no pressure and this is your choice" makes it seem like you're trying to sell me a lemon car. You're an awesome girl any guy would be lucky to date, even if its not true, even if you don't believe it, say it to yourself and act accordingly.

 

I cant tell you how your conversation should go, I can tell you what you wrote doesn't sound good.

 

Whatever you do you gotta lower your anxiety though.

[beemea]

Relax, like someone else said, just be normal. The 'no pressure' talk is insincere and again pretending to be the 'down for whatever girl' just say whats in your head naturally, don't try to hide who you are. Maybe its just me but saying to someone, "hey no pressure and this is your choice" makes it seem like you're trying to sell me a lemon car. You're an awesome girl any guy would be lucky to date, even if its not true, even if you don't believe it, say it to yourself and act accordingly.

 

I cant tell you how your conversation should go, I can tell you what you wrote doesn't sound good.

 

Whatever you do you gotta lower your anxiety though.

 

Would it be better wording to just plainly say "I just want you to know that i don't have an interest is dating anybody else but you"?

[figureitout23]

Would it be better wording to just plainly say "I just want you to know that i don't have an interest is dating anybody else but you"?

 

Maybe, " I prefer not to mulitidate, that way I can focus on getting to know you and explore our connection.What is your dating style?"

 

again this is a convo that should have happened before the zippers went down but alas...

[Amalia13]

Would it be better wording to just plainly say "I just want you to know that i don't have an interest is dating anybody else but you"?

 

Why do you need him to know that? (exclusivity talk should be done face to face).

 

Why not send a message to him now. Tell him that you look forward to seeing him when he comes back. That's all you need to say.

 

Don't try to text emotions. That's when things go wrong.

[SGH]

Don't want to bombard you too much with advice, but I'm with figureitout on the wording. Bring yourself to the conversation as an equal. Don't just let him know and not expect him to tell you in turn how he feels about it. That's not to say make it a super serious conversation, but know where the two of you stand when it's over. Otherwise, you'll spin yourself into a mess of anxiety over it a few days after telling him you want to see him exclusively, wondering if he feels the same way.

 

Oh, also, you might want to hang out with him once or twice after he gets back before having a talk about where you stand, since there has been a lag in communication. He might be taken aback if you pounce on him as soon as he's back in town.

[abitbroken]

If he is in another country - there are time zone differences, and he planned this trip long before you were in the picture. WHen my friend was overseas, it would have been astronomical to text me from her phone due. y

[IAmFCA]

There is a lot of emotional content here.

 

I am going to add a practical perspective. You raised, at first, a practical point: "im concerned that the lack of communication because he is gone will cause him to lose interest in me enough to not care to want to continue to pursue me when he gets back" So, keep his interest with an upbeat text or email (whatever works where he is). Be funny, or be curious, and be succinct.

 

I would not discuss the multidating, or not multidating, idea at this time. That would feel like a leash, to me. I am not him, but the bottom line is, he will do what is authentic to him, regardless of your message. Show him your interest, in breadcrumbs, and see what happens.

 

If I had been casual with someone before I left, I would not contact them much while I was away. It feels like bad form, because we can't see each other anyway. But short bursts of contact would be fun, and you can initiate that. Just be relaxed about the pace with which he replies.

[figureitout23]

But thats just it FCA if her anxiety is high with zero contact imagine the level if she texts and he doesnt reply, which is a very real possibility while someone is on vacation. Its my opinion to never text out of anxiety. Her reaching out just to be fun isnt coming from a genuine place so why do it?

 

She has already showed her interest in breadcrumbs. What you are suggesting is that she is at a disadvantage and must essentially trick him into being with her. He is already getting the benefit of all the fun of exclusivity while still having the ability to throw his hands up and say "not interested in exclusivity" Please tell me what prolonging that does for her?

 

Theres nothing wrong with a person being straightforward. It wont chase away someone already interested but it will chase away someone who was depending on a them being afraid to establish their boundaries, which is unfortunately a rampant issue with young women now a days. If all he wants is a good time the sooner she knows the better.

[beemea]

Thank you all for the responses! These are great actually I do feel like if I were to reach out to him (without knowledge of if he can even recieve a message being that it might cost him) and not get a response for whatever reasons — could be either no service or it costs money or just that the message didn’t fully send — I think I would have way more anxiety because I don’t wanna wonder why I’m not getting a response. So I think it might be better to not take that gamble and put myself in that emotional turmoil for no good reason when I shouldn’t feel that way anyways. I definitely am gonna wait to let him know anything about seeing each other exclusively, maybe see him a couple times just to establish the rapport again; I wanna be able to wait it out til he gets back and then when he reaches out, be positive and happy to see him that it’ll I’m hoping will make him feel good and happy to be around me (I like to think guys wanna be continually around girls that make them feel happy)

[IAmFCA]

Thank you all for the responses! These are great actually I do feel like if I were to reach out to him (without knowledge of if he can even recieve a message being that it might cost him) and not get a response for whatever reasons — could be either no service or it costs money or just that the message didn’t fully send — I think I would have way more anxiety because I don’t wanna wonder why I’m not getting a response. So I think it might be better to not take that gamble and put myself in that emotional turmoil for no good reason when I shouldn’t feel that way anyways. I definitely am gonna wait to let him know anything about seeing each other exclusively, maybe see him a couple times just to establish the rapport again; I wanna be able to wait it out til he gets back and then when he reaches out, be positive and happy to see him that it’ll I’m hoping will make him feel good and happy to be around me (I like to think guys wanna be continually around girls that make them feel happy)

 

I like this approach. You've let go a bit and put faith in the process. Good for you.

[Batya33]

Thank you all for the responses! These are great actually I do feel like if I were to reach out to him (without knowledge of if he can even recieve a message being that it might cost him) and not get a response for whatever reasons — could be either no service or it costs money or just that the message didn’t fully send — I think I would have way more anxiety because I don’t wanna wonder why I’m not getting a response. So I think it might be better to not take that gamble and put myself in that emotional turmoil for no good reason when I shouldn’t feel that way anyways. I definitely am gonna wait to let him know anything about seeing each other exclusively, maybe see him a couple times just to establish the rapport again; I wanna be able to wait it out til he gets back and then when he reaches out, be positive and happy to see him that it’ll I’m hoping will make him feel good and happy to be around me (I like to think guys wanna be continually around girls that make them feel happy)

 

I like this approach. I don't think this has to be about gender - I think people like to be around positive people. Period. People move towards pleasure and away from pain. I completely agree that you won't know why you're not getting a response and your mind will go to all sorts of anxious places.

[beemea]

I like this approach. I don't think this has to be about gender - I think people like to be around positive people. Period. People move towards pleasure and away from pain. I completely agree that you won't know why you're not getting a response and your mind will go to all sorts of anxious places.

 

Thanks for the response! i am wondering however if i SHOULD just send a flat out message saying something along the lines of that i hope hes having a good time on his vacation, that id love to hear all the details, and to maybe let me know when hes back and over the jetlag so that we can set something up? I am torn between the sense that i should just trust the process and have patience but also the sense that if you want something you just have to go for it

[Batya33]

Thanks for the response! i am wondering however if i SHOULD just send a flat out message saying something along the lines of that i hope hes having a good time on his vacation, that id love to hear all the details, and to maybe let me know when hes back and over the jetlag so that we can set something up? I am torn between the sense that i should just trust the process and have patience but also the sense that if you want something you just have to go for it

 

If you want something you have to go for it, true. Just depends how you are defining "go for it". Sometimes going for it means showing restraint and discipline which takes effort but you do it for the long term, not short term gratification. When he is back you can message him and ask him out. You're already having sex with him so I wouldn't play the whole "he has to ask me" -that bell has been rung IMO. Don't tell yourself that "going for it' means acting in an insecure/approval seeking way that might be a turn off especially if he is far away and with family. When I desperately wanted a certain job, I pulled out all the stops prepping for the interview, showed up and did my very best, did all the follow up they asked for and then waited over a week to get the offer. On your theory, I would have called or emailed again to reiterate my interest and how much I wanted the job because that is "going for it". Had I done that my guess is it would have put off the busy managers I interviewed with. It was really, really hard to wait and I found myself coming up with excuses to call or email but I did not do it. Because I was going for it -in the appropriate way.

 

Another example. My future husband waited ten (!) days between the second and third times we saw each other. And they weren't even real dates -we got together twice after many years apart (we'd dated in the past) and I knew he was about to leave town and be back briefly, then leave for months. I really liked him and he didn't even know that but I suspected he was feeling a spark too. I am a go-getter and have certainly asked out men, called men, approached men, initiated emails on dating sites hundreds of times. No issue doing that. But part of letting someone get to know you over time is strategy and giving the person space to get to know you, to miss you, to be intrigued by you.

 

With my husband I took risks I almost regretted -in that ten days I emailed him twice I think - once after we met to thank him (i.e. a transparent "please ask me to get together again) and the second time a week later with some silly excuse about something we'd discussed. He then responded that he'd been really busy but wanted to get together. We did and got back together that night. My contacting him had nothing to do with his motivation to ask me out -and later I realized why he'd needed the space he did (nothing personal). He was going to ask me out when he was ready to see me, ready to have a serious discussion. And yes had I contacted him again or acted in a needier way it might have upset that delicate balance that's often there in the beginning where you're deciding whether you're really into this person for more than the short term.

 

You slept with him already and you're not exclusive so he knows you're really, really into him if you'd do that. He knows you love spending time with him. Give him this time and space to be away and to miss you and to have plenty of vacation stories to tell you when he gets back.

 

(My husband never again went that long without contacting me and in 13 years together I've had almost no insecurities about his commitment to me - yes, there were a few times, short lived - but overall no and of course normal over all these years and changes and transitions -and no I never had to tell him how often or when to contact me except when it had to do with safety).

[beemea]

If you want something you have to go for it, true. Just depends how you are defining "go for it". Sometimes going for it means showing restraint and discipline which takes effort but you do it for the long term, not short term gratification. When he is back you can message him and ask him out. You're already having sex with him so I wouldn't play the whole "he has to ask me" -that bell has been rung IMO. Don't tell yourself that "going for it' means acting in an insecure/approval seeking way that might be a turn off especially if he is far away and with family. When I desperately wanted a certain job, I pulled out all the stops prepping for the interview, showed up and did my very best, did all the follow up they asked for and then waited over a week to get the offer. On your theory, I would have called or emailed again to reiterate my interest and how much I wanted the job because that is "going for it". Had I done that my guess is it would have put off the busy managers I interviewed with. It was really, really hard to wait and I found myself coming up with excuses to call or email but I did not do it. Because I was going for it -in the appropriate way.

 

Another example. My future husband waited ten (!) days between the second and third times we saw each other. And they weren't even real dates -we got together twice after many years apart (we'd dated in the past) and I knew he was about to leave town and be back briefly, then leave for months. I really liked him and he didn't even know that but I suspected he was feeling a spark too. I am a go-getter and have certainly asked out men, called men, approached men, initiated emails on dating sites hundreds of times. No issue doing that. But part of letting someone get to know you over time is strategy and giving the person space to get to know you, to miss you, to be intrigued by you.

 

With my husband I took risks I almost regretted -in that ten days I emailed him twice I think - once after we met to thank him (i.e. a transparent "please ask me to get together again) and the second time a week later with some silly excuse about something we'd discussed. He then responded that he'd been really busy but wanted to get together. We did and got back together that night. My contacting him had nothing to do with his motivation to ask me out -and later I realized why he'd needed the space he did (nothing personal). He was going to ask me out when he was ready to see me, ready to have a serious discussion. And yes had I contacted him again or acted in a needier way it might have upset that delicate balance that's often there in the beginning where you're deciding whether you're really into this person for more than the short term.

 

You slept with him already and you're not exclusive so he knows you're really, really into him if you'd do that. He knows you love spending time with him. Give him this time and space to be away and to miss you and to have plenty of vacation stories to tell you when he gets back.

 

(My husband never again went that long without contacting me and in 13 years together I've had almost no insecurities about his commitment to me - yes, there were a few times, short lived - but overall no and of course normal over all these years and changes and transitions -and no I never had to tell him how often or when to contact me except when it had to do with safety).

 

I love this advice! Thank you for it; you are totally right in that practicing some restraint could be more beneficial in the long run

[Last Gentleman]

I seem to be the only one bothered unlike all people here by one detail you wrote, now I'm not judging you OP, just that as some other have said having restraint

while being difficult is sometimes a great proof of respect.

 

You seemed to really like the guy, looks to me does too and him hinting he told his mom... can't you read between the lines, this is code for I think this is going to

get serious, I only tell my mom when I really think a woman is worth the effort, otherwise she really doesn't need to know about all the women I meet...

 

So there lies my issue, you dated 2 other guys because maybe of this anxiety of him being gone 2 weeks and this after already having sex with the guy, sorry if

I come of as cliché but as my name suggests, in the same position as yourself, I'd be a gentleman and not see anyone else for the time until the other person is

back from travel. Of course I do date more than 1 woman at a time, but as soon as sleep with someone I do not pursue the others, that's the boundary for me as

I would really not like to have a woman do this to me if things were reversed. Yeah I know I'm maybe too much of a relationship utopist !

 

Would I be this guy, if I learned that after having sex and telling my mom, you dated other men I would feel a bit annoyed, because to me these we are exclusive

conversation just are a bit of teenage nonsense, like it or not a lot of men just will show this by actions, because words don't mean much, that's why I think him

hinting he told his mom is indicative of him thinking to be exclusive. I mean in my whole life I literally never have needed to say this out loud, my actions towards

my exes spoke of themselves, maybe I'm weird who knows.

 

Now I might be wrong and totally misread this, but all I want to tell you is, do not mention that you saw other men when you will have contact again, this might

blow up in your face and wouldn't do any good to any of you.

[IAmFCA]

I seem to be the only one bothered unlike all people here by one detail you wrote, now I'm not judging you OP, just that as some other have said having restraint

while being difficult is sometimes a great proof of respect.

 

You seemed to really like the guy, looks to me does too and him hinting he told his mom... can't you read between the lines, this is code for I think this is going to

get serious, I only tell my mom when I really think a woman is worth the effort, otherwise she really doesn't need to know about all the women I meet...

 

So there lies my issue, you dated 2 other guys because maybe of this anxiety of him being gone 2 weeks and this after already having sex with the guy, sorry if

I come of as cliché but as my name suggests, in the same position as yourself, I'd be a gentleman and not see anyone else for the time until the other person is

back from travel. Of course I do date more than 1 woman at a time, but as soon as sleep with someone I do not pursue the others, that's the boundary for me as

I would really not like to have a woman do this to me if things were reversed. Yeah I know I'm maybe too much of a relationship utopist !

 

Would I be this guy, if I learned that after having sex and telling my mom, you dated other men I would feel a bit annoyed, because to me these we are exclusive

conversation just are a bit of teenage nonsense, like it or not a lot of men just will show this by actions, because words don't mean much, that's why I think him

hinting he told his mom is indicative of him thinking to be exclusive. I mean in my whole life I literally never have needed to say this out loud, my actions towards

my exes spoke of themselves, maybe I'm weird who knows.

 

Now I might be wrong and totally misread this, but all I want to tell you is, do not mention that you saw other men when you will have contact again, this might

blow up in your face and wouldn't do any good to any of you.

 

I think there are some very real, salient points in this post.

 

We need to embody the traits we want to attract and retain.

[beemea]

I seem to be the only one bothered unlike all people here by one detail you wrote, now I'm not judging you OP, just that as some other have said having restraint

while being difficult is sometimes a great proof of respect.

 

You seemed to really like the guy, looks to me does too and him hinting he told his mom... can't you read between the lines, this is code for I think this is going to

get serious, I only tell my mom when I really think a woman is worth the effort, otherwise she really doesn't need to know about all the women I meet...

 

So there lies my issue, you dated 2 other guys because maybe of this anxiety of him being gone 2 weeks and this after already having sex with the guy, sorry if

I come of as cliché but as my name suggests, in the same position as yourself, I'd be a gentleman and not see anyone else for the time until the other person is

back from travel. Of course I do date more than 1 woman at a time, but as soon as sleep with someone I do not pursue the others, that's the boundary for me as

I would really not like to have a woman do this to me if things were reversed. Yeah I know I'm maybe too much of a relationship utopist !

 

Would I be this guy, if I learned that after having sex and telling my mom, you dated other men I would feel a bit annoyed, because to me these we are exclusive

conversation just are a bit of teenage nonsense, like it or not a lot of men just will show this by actions, because words don't mean much, that's why I think him

hinting he told his mom is indicative of him thinking to be exclusive. I mean in my whole life I literally never have needed to say this out loud, my actions towards

my exes spoke of themselves, maybe I'm weird who knows.

 

Now I might be wrong and totally misread this, but all I want to tell you is, do not mention that you saw other men when you will have contact again, this might

blow up in your face and wouldn't do any good to any of you.

 

Thank you so much for the response! I really appreciate the different perspective you got out of the information i gave you all. you are totally right too, and to be quite honest his actions in person tell me alot. I have only slept with him and as far as the other people go i have only gone on one date with each of them and none of those first dates ended with anything physical other than a hug hi and goodbye. I guess in my mind i wanted to sort of make sure that the actual qualities he posseses was something i truly wanted to get serious with and make sure i wasnt just getting into a relationship for relationship sake if that makes sense. But after being on those dates, and those guys were wonderful in their own ways, i do feel i have more of a sense of clarity on that i would like to build a relationship with him once he gets back (If he doesnt lose any interest in me or fades away) Hence the anxiety lol

[Batya33]

A couple of things. Watch the feet not the lips. I heard from many men how they wanted to tell their mother about me, have me meet friends, family etc -and they weren't necessarily lying just caught up in the moment. Watch what he does not what he says. On your going on dates - I don't really relate to the comparison shopping thing. You met two guys once each and from comparing them that makes you realize you want to be with this guy? So if he starts showing different sides of his personality or what he's interested in will your reaction be to want to comparison shop? I think multidating until exclusivity is a great idea (although with one exception in a "getting back together" situation I didn't have sex with more than one person or have sex and then date other people without having sex). I think multidating helps you not put all eggs in one basket too soon (i.e. don't give up opportunities to meet good guys just because you met someone you enjoy dating, but you're not yet exclusive) but I think it's really risky to use it to "test" whether you like his qualities. You don't need to test out other people to know whether you like this person's qualities. You can figure that out by giving it some thought, maybe talking to friends, seeing what qualities you like in your friendships, past relationships etc.

 

Also what do you mean by "build a relationship" -what are you doing now? You're dating him and having sex with him. What differences would there be if you were "building a relationship?"

 

I think it's fine if you're done meeting other people for now -that you want to just focus on him. That's a great decision if it works for you of course! Just was curious about your thought process and your actions towards this guy.

[beemea]

A couple of things. Watch the feet not the lips. I heard from many men how they wanted to tell their mother about me, have me meet friends, family etc -and they weren't necessarily lying just caught up in the moment. Watch what he does not what he says. On your going on dates - I don't really relate to the comparison shopping thing. You met two guys once each and from comparing them that makes you realize you want to be with this guy? So if he starts showing different sides of his personality or what he's interested in will your reaction be to want to comparison shop? I think multidating until exclusivity is a great idea (although with one exception in a "getting back together" situation I didn't have sex with more than one person or have sex and then date other people without having sex). I think multidating helps you not put all eggs in one basket too soon (i.e. don't give up opportunities to meet good guys just because you met someone you enjoy dating, but you're not yet exclusive) but I think it's really risky to use it to "test" whether you like his qualities. You don't need to test out other people to know whether you like this person's qualities. You can figure that out by giving it some thought, maybe talking to friends, seeing what qualities you like in your friendships, past relationships etc.

 

Also what do you mean by "build a relationship" -what are you doing now? You're dating him and having sex with him. What differences would there be if you were "building a relationship?"

 

I think it's fine if you're done meeting other people for now -that you want to just focus on him. That's a great decision if it works for you of course! Just was curious about your thought process and your actions towards this guy.

 

Yea i agree, sometimes they do just say things just to say them and thats something i try to be cautious of. I feel that when we are in person its very obvious that we enjoy our time together and have lots to talk about and are very affectionate with each other, i feel his actions show that he likes spending time with me.

and no i wouldnt just keep "comparison shopping" i guess i just see it as the "not all eggs in a basket" thing you mentioned. My only intentions for those dates was because i want to make sure that if i get into a relationship that i get into one for the right reasons, because my last relationship ended very badly with me being cheated on after being with them for 3 years and i want to make sure i am setting my eyes on this guy so to speak for the right and realistic reasons.

and yea you are right that what we are doing now is basically building a relationship haha but nothing has been said between the two of us so it feels like everything is just up in limbo and idk how casual he sees it or if he feels the same way about us seeing each other often being building a relationship with one another.

 

I definitely dont have any further intentions on seeing other people, i think that the couple of dates i went on was enough for me to want to focus on him more specifically, and i think it just made me miss him more haha

[IAmFCA]

"I definitely dont have any further intentions on seeing other people, i think that the couple of dates i went on was enough for me to want to focus on him more specifically, and i think it just made me miss him more haha"

 

Remember this! He may need the same space and time to arrive at his own conclusions. Make sure you address your anxiety privately, as it is solely your responsibility. His pace may not equal yours, it really does. Your stability will help him trust that he is free to arrive on his own time schedule without judgment from you.

[beemea]

"Your stability will help him trust that he is free to arrive on his own time schedule without judgment from you"

 

Thank you! I totally agree with this :)