He can't commit to marriage because I'm not a 10...

[reinventmyself]

What you feel you need to do to appease him sounds exhausting!

 

It doesn't come from an organic place (not saying you aren't affectionate) but your the motivation is to keep him and keep him happy. I get the sense you don't feel you are successful at it. At least that's what he's telling you, either directly or indirectly.

 

It's kinda like feeding a monster. . it's never satisfied.

 

He may have all sorts of things happen to him that led him to be the way he is, but you can not love them away.

His issues are his to deal with, not yours. Yes, you can help, but you can't fix him.

 

If you don't want to leave him, I don't know what else to say. You'll have to accept him and the situation as it is.

But I can't help but feel that he'll continue to move the goal posts on you.

 

"you're good, you're just not good enough" That's what I hear. That's a crappy way to live.

Hold out for someone who's crazy about you. (and believe you deserve it) Life is just easier that way.

[DancingFool]

Let me share something with you that maybe will help you a little to understand your own situation and your bf in particular. Some years back I met a guy who literally looked like he stepped out of my dreams AND ticked absolutely every single check mark on my list of what my ideal man would be. It was surreal.....BUT....and here is the but part - I just didn't feel any chemistry, didn't feel that "it" factor for him. It really created kind of a cognitive dissonance - on the one had he had it all, I mean all, perfect match and yet....I was just not truly attracted/into him. I tried to date him for awhile, but then realized that it's just not going to work for me and quickly walked away. He, on the other hand was extremely into me and very very upset at the break up. Spent a lot of time trying to convince me to give things more time, but...you just can't create chemistry. It's either there or it isn't.

 

I'm a little bit afraid that what is happening with your relationship is a bit of a similar situation except your bf has let it drag on for years and years and it's not fair to you. You are head over heels in love and doing everything you can and truly giving him your all and your absolute honest, loving best....BUT...for whatever reason he isn't feeling it - call it passion, call it chemistry, call it connection, call it that "it" factor, whatever it is, it's missing even though on paper, it shouldn't be and it's making you both confused.

 

I know you are not ready to throw in the towel today, but I do think that you need to start getting yourself ready mentally and emotionally to exit this. It's been three years. Time for you to give yourself a deadline that if he still doesn't want marriage in 6 months, 8 months - you will actually leave him and stick to it. Life is too short to be wasted on someone who isn't all in with you.

[Batya33]

I have been in similar situations to dancingfool. And I will add that chemistry cannot be forced or created but timing does funny things - if the timing is different or "right" then the person who didn't feel chemistry might feel chemistry or vice versa if the timing is wrong. You can't control chemistry but you can be a person who is more open to feeling it -or closed to feeling it. It's possible your boyfriend is closed to feeling it with you because he's convinced himself that since you are not a 10 objectively he's never going to be satisfied with you. It's like he's making a pros/cons list which really doesn't work if you're deciding whether to commit. Because even if the pros far outweigh the cons if you're a person getting in your own way of being open to clicking it won't matter. That is why often people who break up only realize later how much they miss having the person in their life and sometimes that is because with space, you feel the deeper connection or click when your headspace isn't all clouded up and busy overanalyzing the pros and cons.

[reinventmyself]

ticked absolutely every single check mark on my list of what my ideal man would be. It was surreal.....BUT....and here is the but part - I just didn't feel any chemistry, didn't feel that "it" factor for him. .

 

I've had these experiences too. I recall them at times like this, when someones interest didn't match mine.

 

If I catch myself about to take it personally I think of the really great guys I have dated that in the end were not the 'one'

Even though we had everything in common and checked all the boxes.

But for reasons I can't explain the relationship just did not have legs and I ended it.

 

I wanted it to work but I just couldn't force it.

My lack of commitment never took anything away from them. They were still amazing men.

 

I'd like to think the same is true when someone didn't reciprocate my interest.

There are those times you just can't put your finger on it.

[alibabac]

That makes sense reinventmyself and dancingfool and I know what you mean - I've been on both sides of the coin. I've seen the other person devastated when I had to cut them off from thinking there was any hope between us. It does sometimes feel exhausting trying to meet these expectations that I can't, I like what you said about moving the goal posts, that's a good metaphor.

 

The whole chemistry thing becomes confusing though because I don't think it has to do with that... If it were a chemistry thing, I definitely wouldn't want him to be stuck with me!! But I do think he is very attracted to me and desires me. He pursues me quite often, playfully & romantically actually & sometimes it's more than I can handle. The spark was strong in the beginning & it comes roaring back at times. t's like an ember waiting for a gust of wind. BF says he gets this spark back from time to time when he puts effort, and same for me. Love is a verb, it's not going to nurture itself and when we get lazy, so does love. I think working and life commitments throw a wrench into the wheel though and set us back a bit, we get distracted, etc. I imagine this is similar for parents who have kids & forget to spend quality time together. Recently, for example, his biological dad came to town for 2 weeks& they have a fantastic relationship. They literally went for walks & talks every single day. After his dad left, he realized that he hadn't been putting the effort into "dating" me like he dated his dad during those two weeks. So he and I started going for walks & talks, having more fun together, really dating each other again, & the spark was rekindled just like that. We were on cloud 9 again for a couple weeks until another family member came to town who was a bit of a drag, very demanding, stressed us out, etc. Then we're moving / he's starting a new job. We haven't been able to find the space to get the spark back amidst the chaos but things will settle down by next month.

 

Aside from chemistry, it could possibly be the "it" factor. The "perfect 10" factor. Or perhaps he is overanalyzing & sabotaging a good thing. These are all the things I assume he needs to sort out in his head in order for him to feel comfortable.

[reinventmyself]

He may just have unreal expectations. I know people just like him. My best friend is this way.

When the high wears off, she feels there is something wrong and sabotages it.

It's unrealistic to live in that constant state. The high should be replaced with a deep, meaningful connection that feels comfortable.

 

If he is indeed chasing that high, there is nothing you can do about it. I can lecture my friend until I'm blue, but it's something deeper that motivates her to do the things she does. I doubt she'll ever do it differently. Well into the second half of her life, she's still chasing that high.

 

He may have to learn his lesson the hard way. . by losing everything and looking back with regret. But it his lesson to learn.

You can't do it for him. In the meantime you seem to be carrying the majority of the load of the relationship.

At what point do you just get tired?

 

I've been on both sides. I will tell you there is nothing better than a relationship that's equitable and just fits.

My current relationship is probably the `easiest' relationship I have ever had.

There isn't really a lot of work that goes into it . . only because it is such a good fit.

 

I've spent years trying to push that square peg into a round hole and I hope I never catch myself doing it again.

[Batya33]

" I think working and life commitments throw a wrench into the wheel though and set us back a bit, we get distracted, etc. I imagine this is similar for parents who have kids & forget to spend quality time together."

 

I think it's personal responsibility. Work and life don't throw a wrench. Neither do kids. The couple chooses how to react to inevitable life/work stuff and stress. I am guilty of not dating my husband enough - because I have zero interest in going out at night given my lifestyle and schedule and he is not a morning person which is when I would have time to go out. I don't "forget" I make the choice -and yes you have to be mindful of life changes and work changes and how to juggle your priorities. I too need to put more effort into the romance part of my marriage, for sure, but I'm not going to blame being a mom on it - before I was a mom I worked full time at a crazy intense career with unpredictable hours and made time for my husband. Now I have a part time job that is kind of stressful plus I'm still the primary caregiver of our 9 year old. But it's my responsibility - I don't think as an adult I can point to "well now I'm a mom so that threw a wrench in my marriage efforts".

 

If his efforts are dependent on life stuff that's not a good sign. There will always be life stuff - it's whether he wants to be with you for the long term and put in the time to nurture the relationship. I'm not perfect at it, neither is my husband but the mindset is that it is on us. And yes when we're battling colds or backaches or headaches we're probably not going to get frisky but we do rainchecks so we know for each other that we care and want to be together but life means it will have to wait. That's different from your boyfriend needing these wake up calls to remember to be your boyfriend.

[SherrySher]

I deserve someone who thinks I'm a 10, & vice versa. He says one of his ex's was a 10 in his eyes & she thought he was a 10, & she doted on him all the time. He says I don't dote on him nor show him that I love him as much as he's experienced with that ex. He says he doesn't feel the same passion.

 

That's all you are ever going to need to know. You're not right for each other and it's being forced. He doesn't feel it, he outright admitted in in this sentence alone. It's not ever going to be right for him.

[abitbroken]

I understand your hesitation when the internet says "leave him". However, there are a few cases where that should be. Abuse- obviously --- but the other one is when someone simply does not want to marry you/doesn't feel you are good enough for them. You deserve someone who is crazy about you - not someone who feels they are settling for you. If someone tells you that even your hair is wrong and height is wrong after all of that - they just don't want to move forward with you.

 

Unless he as Asperger's syndrome where things can come out as way too honest or sometimes too matter of factly i think that this guy is not someone who simply is not ready to settle down -- i think he doesn't think he wants to marry YOU and in that case, i would start to unravel myself from him as far as business and finances.

 

I married someone who thought i was just "good enough" but i lacked, and he settled for me because the woman he really wanted to marry didn't want him, etc. Don't do it.

 

but he's not sure if we have a high enough level of passion for each other to survive the long-term. He needs to be shown this passion on the daily to believe it's there. I am passionate about him & try to show him in many different ways on the daily, but he's not quite convinced & wants to make sure I'm not forcing it. I express my passion for him by trying to hold his hand everytime we walk, putting my hand on his thigh when he drives, squeezing his arms & hold onto them, I always stroke my hand through his hair, I bring him gifts on occasion, tell him how much I love him & appreciate him, tell him how proud I am of him, I encourage him, gaze at him from across the room or up close, nuzzle my face into the nook of his neck, give him mini shoulder rubs, inhale his scent fondly, tell him how much I love him, stop him while walking for small and long kisses, tell him he's handsome & sexy (he is!!!), etc... I could do better at being passionate in bed and don't often initiate things or engage fully if I'm tired, and have less of a sex drive than he does..

 

I think either you should look up the Five Love Languages and maybe think if you guys just have different ways of receiving and accepting love. This telling him he's handsome and touching him might not what he interprets as passion. But on the other hand, he may VERy well be someone who no matter what doesn't want to marry you and when you "convince" him that you are genuine, he will raise another bar and have you jump through another hoop on something ELSE that's lacking.

 

A guy when he is ready to propose should have no doubt in his mind that he is in love and wants to make you his wife -- you shouldn't settle for a guy who tells you that you just are not it.

 

If you think the problem is is childhood - he's a grownup and its up to him to deal with that --- or not -- don't make excuses for him. People with less than optimal childhoods also fall in love and feel that a particularly person is right for them --- even if to the onlooker that person might be toxic or have the same issues themselves.

[abitbroken]

He says I don't dote on him nor show him that I love him as much as he's experienced with that ex

 

he is not over his ex. If you cajole or threaten or beg him to marry you because you are on a deadline, he will only divorce you in the end. Or you will have to hear about how you are not his ex or doing things right.

 

At the very least right now, dissolve the business partnership. You know how to run a business now so start one of your own.

[tattoobunnie]

I have to share this video, Wife Zone Chart [OFFICIAL] Find a Girlfriend Or Pick the Perfect Wife- The Wife Zone Chart:

 

As much as you two have had a wonderful, fun-filled 2.5 years together, this guy has zero clue on what makes a great life and partnership together. I don't care if you two rated each other an 8. The other 2 points should have automatic from being an amazing person. You are selling yourself short, and don't see it. Really, it's a matter of hurting now, or hurting later. Please do not take this as you are doing something wrong or not good enough. This guy is a moron who wouldn't know his own soulmate even she dropped out of the sky onto his lap. But don't you dare think it's okay to settle for someone so obviously blind.

 

I just think you two are not right for each other. Man, just he waits till there are kids in the picture. That expectation of working parents with kids with a fancy dinner on the table at 6 pm sharp; it's called hired help. Again, I think he's a loser; and a weirdo for bringing your ring to pretend to propose.

[Unreasonable]

Pfft. Drop this guy. First of all, even if you were a 10, I don't think that would keep a guy this shallow. I think he's going to die alone with that attitude. A tiny sliver of the population is 10s, and not everybody can have one. If you truly are an 8 that's fantastic.

[Batya33]

Pfft. Drop this guy. First of all, even if you were a 10, I don't think that would keep a guy this shallow. I think he's going to die alone with that attitude. A tiny sliver of the population is 10s, and not everybody can have one. If you truly are an 8 that's fantastic.

 

No, I don't think there are any objective "10s" -it's in the eye of the beholder when it comes to serious romantic relationships. Certainly some people are "10s" in one way or another -maybe looks, intelligence ,whatever but that standard has nothing to do with whether you see the person as perfect for you.

[Johnny Utah]

I understand your hesitation when the internet says "leave him". However, there are a few cases where that should be. Abuse- obviously --- but the other one is when someone simply does not want to marry you/doesn't feel you are good enough for them. You deserve someone who is crazy about you - not someone who feels they are settling for you. If someone tells you that even your hair is wrong and height is wrong after all of that - they just don't want to move forward with you.

 

Unless he as Asperger's syndrome where things can come out as way too honest or sometimes too matter of factly i think that this guy is not someone who simply is not ready to settle down -- i think he doesn't think he wants to marry YOU and in that case, i would start to unravel myself from him as far as business and finances.

 

I married someone who thought i was just "good enough" but i lacked, and he settled for me because the woman he really wanted to marry didn't want him, etc. Don't do it.

 

but he's not sure if we have a high enough level of passion for each other to survive the long-term. He needs to be shown this passion on the daily to believe it's there. I am passionate about him & try to show him in many different ways on the daily, but he's not quite convinced & wants to make sure I'm not forcing it. I express my passion for him by trying to hold his hand everytime we walk, putting my hand on his thigh when he drives, squeezing his arms & hold onto them, I always stroke my hand through his hair, I bring him gifts on occasion, tell him how much I love him & appreciate him, tell him how proud I am of him, I encourage him, gaze at him from across the room or up close, nuzzle my face into the nook of his neck, give him mini shoulder rubs, inhale his scent fondly, tell him how much I love him, stop him while walking for small and long kisses, tell him he's handsome & sexy (he is!!!), etc... I could do better at being passionate in bed and don't often initiate things or engage fully if I'm tired, and have less of a sex drive than he does..

 

I think either you should look up the Five Love Languages and maybe think if you guys just have different ways of receiving and accepting love. This telling him he's handsome and touching him might not what he interprets as passion. But on the other hand, he may VERy well be someone who no matter what doesn't want to marry you and when you "convince" him that you are genuine, he will raise another bar and have you jump through another hoop on something ELSE that's lacking.

 

A guy when he is ready to propose should have no doubt in his mind that he is in love and wants to make you his wife -- you shouldn't settle for a guy who tells you that you just are not it.

 

If you think the problem is is childhood - he's a grownup and its up to him to deal with that --- or not -- don't make excuses for him. People with less than optimal childhoods also fall in love and feel that a particularly person is right for them --- even if to the onlooker that person might be toxic or have the same issues themselves.

 

Definitely this but I would like to refute his belief that you aren't passionate enough from what you have told us you do.

 

Someone from such a broken home SHOULD see it more clearly since it is so alien to their childhood and would have been something they yearned for so long. His is just misplaced as a way of judging and criticizing you.

 

It's naive to think there's a certain level of love and passion that is mandatory for a relationship, like some bar has to be set. It's his broken up bringing to think that people need to earn "passion" credits or something akin to that.

 

He needs therapay.

[Unreasonable]

No, I don't think there are any objective "10s" -it's in the eye of the beholder when it comes to serious romantic relationships. Certainly some people are "10s" in one way or another -maybe looks, intelligence ,whatever but that standard has nothing to do with whether you see the person as perfect for you.

For you possibly. For many people the number system is strictly based on looks. And if you're a person that walks down the street and gets no reaction from people positive or negative, chances are you're around a 5.

[Batya33]

For you possibly. For many people the number system is strictly based on looks. And if you're a person that walks down the street and gets no reaction from people positive or negative, chances are you're around a 5.

 

Yes of course there are number systems based on looks. And those systems, people who follow them, and people who react on the street based on number systems have nothing to do with finding someone for a potentially serious relationship. Certainly people can meet just on the street for the first time -know of a happy marriage that started just that way - but if one of the people has the mindset of ranking women or men by numbers it's the most remote possibility that that mindset could lead to a long term healthy romantic relationship. It might lead to a date or a fling for sure.

 

This post is about a woman who is in a serious relationship with a man. Not about people meeting on the street who have the mindset of ranking other people's looks on a 1 to 10 scale or about people first meeting and assigning a rank in their minds based on looks. I also don't think someone's looks have much to do with chemistry or physical/sexual attraction and certainly not the type that lasts long term. And this thread is about long term.

[Unreasonable]

Yes of course there are number systems based on looks. And those systems, people who follow them, and people who react on the street based on number systems have nothing to do with finding someone for a potentially serious relationship. Certainly people can meet just on the street for the first time -know of a happy marriage that started just that way - but if one of the people has the mindset of ranking women or men by numbers it's the most remote possibility that that mindset could lead to a long term healthy romantic relationship. It might lead to a date or a fling for sure.

 

This post is about a woman who is in a serious relationship with a man. Not about people meeting on the street who have the mindset of ranking other people's looks on a 1 to 10 scale or about people first meeting and assigning a rank in their minds based on looks. I also don't think someone's looks have much to do with chemistry or physical/sexual attraction and certainly not the type that lasts long term. And this thread is about long term.

In either case, I think expecting a 10 is unrealistic. I mean, that's absolute perfection, in mind, body, compatibility, everything. That's probably rarer than a straight up 10 hottie. If you're ranking overall package, if you think they're a 10, you probably don't know them well enough.

[Batya33]

In either case, I think expecting a 10 is unrealistic. I mean, that's absolute perfection, in mind, body, compatibility, everything. That's probably rarer than a straight up 10 hottie. If you're ranking overall package, if you think they're a 10, you probably don't know them well enough.

 

I think people should expect to find a 10 or as close as possible to a 10 as far as perfect for that person. I think people who focus on the trophy aspect in evaluating objectively whether a person is a 10 as far as deciding on a long term partner (as opposed to arm candy or an ego boost) isn't focusing on what's important in a healthy, long lasting relationship.

[Jibralta]

He says 8 is a good number for dating, but has an issue with what it actually means for marriage.

 

We have a great compatibility and a decent level of passion in my opinion, but he's not sure if we have a high enough level of passion for each other to survive the long-term.

 

I think your boyfriend has a lot of weird beliefs that don't make a lot of sense when you think about them. It seems almost compulsive to me, actually. Like someone who needs a piece of furniture to be in the exact right place in order to feel ok.

 

I see that he had a difficult upbringing, so maybe he needs to impose these beliefs on things to make him feel like he is more in control. And that does go hand in hand with his need for reassurance.

 

It's really up to him to make the change and challenge some of these beliefs. There's nothing you can do about it, unfortunately. You have to decide whether this is the type of thing that you want to deal with for the rest of your life.

[Dominique]

You've been together 2+years and he doesn't care enough about you to marry you? Doesn't know if you're good enough? Doesn't feel doted on? Doesn't think an 8 is enough for marriage?

 

My self esteem would be shot if a man I loved and lived with and shared my life with and shared my finances with compared me to his ex, told me I was an 8, and told me there was more I needed to do to win his commitment.

 

Clearly he has beaten your self esteem to a pulp because you are making excuses for him and explaining his point of view and trying to convince him that you are the one.

 

I hope you let him go. Because even if you do marry him he is going to trash your emotions and your marriage and make it all your fault .... I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up having an affair since in his mind you aren't good enough anyway.

 

Girl, get your stuff and leave him before he wastes anymore of your time. He shouldn't even have a choice to be with you any more. You need to take away this power he has over you and go get your head together. Then find someone who you love and loves you back.

 

P. S. Don't rate people you care about. That's just mean. If you love the person, that should be enough. Jeesh.

[Lambert]

You've been together 2+years and he doesn't care enough about you to marry you? Doesn't know if you're good enough? Doesn't feel doted on? Doesn't think an 8 is enough for marriage?

 

My self esteem would be shot if a man I loved and lived with and shared my life with and shared my finances with compared me to his ex, told me I was an 8, and told me there was more I needed to do to win his commitment.

 

Clearly he has beaten your self esteem to a pulp because you are making excuses for him and explaining his point of view and trying to convince him that you are the one.

 

I hope you let him go. Because even if you do marry him he is going to trash your emotions and your marriage and make it all your fault .... I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up having an affair since in his mind you aren't good enough anyway.

 

Girl, get your stuff and leave him before he wastes anymore of your time. He shouldn't even have a choice to be with you any more. You need to take away this power he has over you and go get your head together. Then find someone who you love and loves you back.

 

P. S. Don't rate people you care about. That's just mean. If you love the person, that should be enough. Jeesh.

totally. well said Dominique....

 

I mean really, OP, you don't want a life with this guy. life is a series of challenges, you don't want your marriage to be one.

 

90% of your happiness or lack there of comes from who you choose to marry. you're in it together.

 

find someone you're proud of the way they treat you. and youre proud of yourself, too. never measuring up or fearing that someone just a tad bit better in any way (which is highly probably in the world for everyone) could come along and take your love, is in my opinon unbearable.

 

I'm single right now and i get lonely, but i can guarantee, it is no where near as lonely as being married to that guy would be.

 

take your life back! only you can!

[MissCanuck]

Oh dear.

 

When someone has already talked to you about the logistics of what would happen "if" you break up, it's because they're already thinking about it and toying with the idea.

 

This man isn't going to be the one you marry. He hasn't quite had the courage to come out an end it completely just yet, because he knows you're a good woman and will be hurt and it doesn't logically make sense that he wouldn't appreciate a catch like you - but he's had one foot out the door for a while and I believe it's only a matter of time until he takes the other step and makes his exit.

[figureitout23]

Wow I'm surprised how many people are saying dump him.

 

If you are happy and he is happy and your relationship is fulfilling and the only issue is marriage, I think you have to ask yourself " do i want to be happy or so I want to do what I think I'm supposed to be doing"

 

I don't think the rating system is bad at all, I think my mind is very much like you and your beau, it's just conversation.

 

I do not want to get married again. I am perfectly happy dating being in a serious relationship loving and sharing my life with someone. But to marry, you'd have to be up there, ridiculously amazing, I can't see my life without being legally committed tonyou and the truth is most relationships simply aren't like that. That doesn't mean you aren't totally and completely in love with them but come on guys this isn't the movies!

 

If you have to be married by all means look for someone else, if you're ok with what you have be happy with what you have, it sounds like a great partnership, that wouldn't change just because you signed a piece of paper.

[abitbroken]

Wow I'm surprised how many people are saying dump him.

 

If you are happy and he is happy and your relationship is fulfilling and the only issue is marriage, I think you have to ask yourself " do i want to be happy or so I want to do what I think I'm supposed to be doing"

 

I don't think the rating system is bad at all, I think my mind is very much like you and your beau, it's just conversation.

 

I do not want to get married again. I am perfectly happy dating being in a serious relationship loving and sharing my life with someone. But to marry, you'd have to be up there, ridiculously amazing, I can't see my life without being legally committed tonyou and the truth is most relationships simply aren't like that. That doesn't mean you aren't totally and completely in love with them but come on guys this isn't the movies!

 

If you have to be married by all means look for someone else, if you're ok with what you have be happy with what you have, it sounds like a great partnership, that wouldn't change just because you signed a piece of paper.

 

To me, its not "the movies" to want to marry (or be in a relationship with someone) that doesn't value you. Can you honestly say that you would love to be in a relationship where someone says "you aren't like my ex enough, you aren't good enough, etc.??" Can you imagine a boyfriend or girlfriend talking to your parents and telling them how their child falls short on what their ideal is? If a guy called up my dad and told him that, he would not react too well.

 

I think it is not unreasonable to want to marry. Its not unreasonable to want kids.

Its not unreasonable if two people date and neither want to get married. (and meet under that pretense)

Its not okay if one party does not want to marry because they don't feel the other person "is good enough".

You should never settle for a marriage, long term relationship or dating situation where the other party thinks you are Mr or Miss Right Now (unless you are both OKAY with having someone to simply go to movies with and nothing more).

 

If he was in love with her, thought she was "the one" but was just not quite ready to marry lifestage-wise - that's different as well.

[Batya33]

To me, its not "the movies" to want to marry (or be in a relationship with someone) that doesn't value you. Can you honestly say that you would love to be in a relationship where someone says "you aren't like my ex enough, you aren't good enough, etc.??" Can you imagine a boyfriend or girlfriend talking to your parents and telling them how their child falls short on what their ideal is? If a guy called up my dad and told him that, he would not react too well.

 

I think it is not unreasonable to want to marry. Its not unreasonable to want kids.

Its not unreasonable if two people date and neither want to get married. (and meet under that pretense)

Its not okay if one party does not want to marry because they don't feel the other person "is good enough".

You should never settle for a marriage, long term relationship or dating situation where the other party thinks you are Mr or Miss Right Now (unless you are both OKAY with having someone to simply go to movies with and nothing more).

 

If he was in love with her, thought she was "the one" but was just not quite ready to marry lifestage-wise - that's different as well.

 

I think it depends on the value one places on marriage. The OP places a lot of value on the institution of marriage (and FWIW I don't blame her) - it's not just a piece of paper to her and hopefully she wouldn't marry someone who thought it was just a piece of paper. And it's not just a piece of paper to him - apparently his requirement is that his intended be an objective 10 and she falls short. I don't think that has much to do with valuing marriage but those are his standards. I think she should find someone who values marriage in the same way she does and also wants to marry her more than anything.