He can't commit to marriage because I'm not a 10...

[figureitout23]

To me, its not "the movies" to want to marry (or be in a relationship with someone) that doesn't value you. Can you honestly say that you would love to be in a relationship where someone says "you aren't like my ex enough, you aren't good enough, etc.??" Can you imagine a boyfriend or girlfriend talking to your parents and telling them how their child falls short on what their ideal is? If a guy called up my dad and told him that, he would not react too well.

 

I think it is not unreasonable to want to marry. Its not unreasonable to want kids.

Its not unreasonable if two people date and neither want to get married. (and meet under that pretense)

Its not okay if one party does not want to marry because they don't feel the other person "is good enough".

You should never settle for a marriage, long term relationship or dating situation where the other party thinks you are Mr or Miss Right Now (unless you are both OKAY with having someone to simply go to movies with and nothing more).

 

If he was in love with her, thought she was "the one" but was just not quite ready to marry lifestage-wise - that's different as well.

 

That's why I asked what her end goal is. She defends her relationship very much. And says that beyond this issue they are both very happy with eachother. all this other stuff, maybe I glanced over it, I guess I just didn't see it.

 

He's concerned about marrying someone's he is not perfectly matched with. They're at an 8, both stated 8, both. If she's ok with that, and he's ok with that, who are we to say end the relationship?

 

Again, her end goal is what matters here. She's already been married. They both have. If a second marriage is a need in her life by all means, it's time to end it. If it's not and she's happy, be happy.

 

I'll go and read the posts again.

 

ETA - I went back and yeah, my opinion hasn't changed much. I agree with her about the internets quickness to say 'end it' these people own a business together, have combined finances and lives. There are so many different routes to go before 'ending it'

 

My suggestion would be couples therapy.

[alibabac]

Wow I'm surprised how many people are saying dump him.

 

If you are happy and he is happy and your relationship is fulfilling and the only issue is marriage, I think you have to ask yourself " do i want to be happy or so I want to do what I think I'm supposed to be doing"

 

I don't think the rating system is bad at all, I think my mind is very much like you and your beau, it's just conversation.

 

I do not want to get married again. I am perfectly happy dating being in a serious relationship loving and sharing my life with someone. But to marry, you'd have to be up there, ridiculously amazing, I can't see my life without being legally committed tonyou and the truth is most relationships simply aren't like that. That doesn't mean you aren't totally and completely in love with them but come on guys this isn't the movies!

 

If you have to be married by all means look for someone else, if you're ok with what you have be happy with what you have, it sounds like a great partnership, that wouldn't change just because you signed a piece of paper.

 

Thank you figureitout23 -- I very well relate to what you wrote. We are both happy with each other and the relationship is fulfilling. We started the relationship with the intent towards marriage, and though it's not a formal courtship by any means, it has been on our radar & we discuss all aspects of what it could mean. I've also been married before very prematurely and want to do it right this time as well. Like you said, he would have to be spectacular to even be considered, and I think my BF is the cream-of-the-crop. I know he thinks the same of me. While I'm happy in the relationship as it is, I admit, seeing friends and acquaintances who got into a relationship after we did, and who are getting engaged/married before we are has made me a little anxious & wonder why we aren't quite there yet. I posted about this on here to see if anyone else had a similar experience with dealing with anxieties like this & what the outcome was. The 1-10 chemistry he was talking about was the look in the eye, the spark, the feeling you get when you're with the person... I know what he's talking about and recall having that level 10 attraction with a couple ex's in the past, but that came on quickly and fizzled out quickly -- I'd been burned enough. With my BF, I wanted it to be different, I wanted to protect my heart, I wanted it to be substantial and didn't allow myself to go head-over-heels as much as I used to (believe me it was hard because he's a catch!)... He also wanted to protect his heart and have a substantial relationship so we were on the same page. Even though that attraction was to a different degree than either of us are used to (8), our compatibility is at a 10+++!!! The longer I'm with him, I just feel more and more attracted to him, which I think is more important and enduring for the long-run. I don't doubt his passion for me: he thinks I'm incredibly hot, desires me all the time, etc... though I was disappointed that the level of attraction may be a concern for him & hindering him from taking that step quite yet. This doesn't mean that he values me any less!!! He's trying to figure out if this is just a fleeting thing, or something that is going to bother him forever and be a deal breaker. He wants to be fair to me too, and cares about my wellbeing.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you are not on the same page or timeline. He may come up with one excuse after the next as to why he doesn't want to marry. What is the rush to get married about?

I admit, seeing friends and acquaintances who got into a relationship after we did, and who are getting engaged/married before we are has made me a little anxious & wonder why we aren't quite there yet. I was disappointed that the level of attraction may be a concern for him & hindering him from taking that step quite yet.

[alibabac]

I'm not in a rush to get married. It's about whether marriage is even on the table. And whether anyone else has ever experienced these anxieties before that have hindered their ability to commit to a marriage or long-term relationship.

[abitbroken]

I'm not in a rush to get married. It's about whether marriage is even on the table. And whether anyone else has ever experienced these anxieties before that have hindered their ability to commit to a marriage or long-term relationship.

 

The fact that he is comparing you to his ex and deciding you are coming up short is concerning. You backpedaled a bit and now are defending why being an 8 is good (the "10" fizzled out) when before you were quite upset about the assessment. I get that he's hot and you are attracted, but consider --- why not unravel yourself a little from him - come into your own a bit more (structure things so you are not sharing everything - a business, real estate, etc.) He was very clear that he wasn't saying that "you are not a supermodel but i am very attracted to you" -- he was telling you why you were not marriage material -- not "why he is not ready to marry" in general. So remember that. We can't know if marriage is ever on the table or not. I got married to someone who didn't believe marriage works, but realized that he didn't want to get old alone -- so he married me, and it didn't last. It shouldn't be that you are just thinking about whether this guy will marry you but whether he will follow through with the rest of it all - the marriage and not just the wedding.

 

So, enjoy what you have for now, but he DID put his cards out on the table.

 

I understand that you are in no rush to get married -- but you originally said you wanted to get married or engaged within 2-2.5 years - so you have switched up what you were intending. I think that if you want kids, you cannot wait indefinitely and even though i think 2 years is a little rushed to expect an engagement, you should have a timeline in your head without prompting him about it - how long you are going to wait before looking for a husband elsewhere.

 

I made the mistake of getting mixed in with business with my ex so if i left him i would have lost more than the relationship --- if you decide you want to stay with him - fine - but i think that you have entangled yourself a little where you might end up compromising the wrong things just because you are so entangled.

[Jibralta]

The 1-10 chemistry he was talking about was the look in the eye, the spark, the feeling you get when you're with the person... I know what he's talking about and recall having that level 10 attraction with a couple ex's in the past, but that came on quickly and fizzled out quickly -- I'd been burned enough. With my BF, I wanted it to be different, I wanted to protect my heart, I wanted it to be substantial and didn't allow myself to go head-over-heels as much as I used to

 

It seems as though you've put the spark into perspective, but he's still stuck on it as being an indicator for long term success. Sparks fade, and they don't solve any problems--and you will certainly encounter problems in the long term.

[reinventmyself]

OP here...

but he's not sure if we have a high enough level of passion for each other to survive the long-term. He needs to be shown this passion on the daily to believe it's there. I am passionate about him & try to show him in many different ways on the daily, but he's not quite convinced & wants to make sure I'm not forcing it. I express my passion for him by trying to hold his hand everytime we walk, putting my hand on his thigh when he drives, squeezing his arms & hold onto them, I always stroke my hand through his hair, I bring him gifts on occasion, tell him how much I love him & appreciate him, tell him how proud I am of him, I encourage him, gaze at him from across the room or up close, nuzzle my face into the nook of his neck, give him mini shoulder rubs, inhale his scent fondly, tell him how much I love him, stop him while walking for small and long kisses, tell him he's handsome & sexy (he is!!!), etc... I could do better at being passionate in bed and don't often initiate things or engage fully if I'm tired, and have less of a sex drive than he does... There are times that I'm stoic or tired... but so is he sometimes & doesn't always show me passion

 

And then there was this. ^^

 

If that kind of passion wasn't there to begin with, it isn't going to happen now. Are the both of you ok with being resigned to this?

 

Granted, that passion is often lust and infatuation. Sometimes it's just that uncanny chemistry between two people. But the fact remains he says it's not there for him and it seems that's exactly what he's holding out for.

 

And are you prepared to continue to jump through hoops to try and achieve it?

I am sorry, but he's asked enough from you to make anyone insecure.

[Batya33]

I think the spark or the memory of the spark during the one tisble ebbs in relationships are essential to a lasting relationship. If it was initially based on lust and infatuation then fine as long as it grows int something Jkg they subsists even if just in the background at times. It’s knowing that even if you don’t feel it at that very moment you can revive it without your partner having to reassure you each time they it’s there between you. It’s that peaceful easy feeling that you two are right together even during the lower times or the challenging times. My husband and I argued last night in the middle of the night when our son woke us up. And because we love each other we hashed it out some more this morning and decided we simply should not have those kinds of discussions in the middle of the night. Period. If we didn’t love and care about each other we wouldn’t have been invested in finding a solution that promoted our long term sanity. It’s hard not to let loose or vent in that situation but we’re comitted. What does that have to do with passion? It’s because we feel that for each other as a foundational part of our relationship that we have the necessary glue to make it through these challenging situations I might not feel that passion when I’m exhausted like now but I feel secure that it’s there and secure that we’re commtted to reviving it when we’ve had a good nights sleep again lol. By contrast with my ex boyfriend the passion seemed to disappear completely and I’d feel panicky and ask him for reassurance. Which wasn’t fair to him or I guess to me. And that’s no way to live. In my opinion.