Have I been ghosted?

[Dobby896]

I would think it rude if she had asked him out on a date. As in, would you like to get together Friday for a drink? or the like.

She bounced it back very casually, and to me, if I got a message like that after a first meet, I wouldn't respond unless I wanted to see the person again and set up a date.

 

Yeah, I totally agree with you here. It would be far more humiliating if I had sent a message along the lines of "I had a great time last night, are you free to meet for lunch on Tuesday" and received no response as its a specific question whereas my message was far more general.

 

Anyway, I'm going to write it all off as a learning experience. I just really liked him, and that's not common for me, so I suppose its the disappointment that it's not going to go further that's playing on my mind.

[figureitout23]

I would think it rude if she had asked him out on a date. As in, would you like to get together Friday for a drink? or the like.

She bounced it back very casually, and to me, if I got a message like that after a first meet, I wouldn't respond unless I wanted to see the person again and set up a date.

 

Sure, some people will have different expectations. To me, sex doesn't change that it was a first meet and they are strangers. Seems like setting oneself up for pain to expect much of someone you don't know. That's actually what the dating can be for.

 

Why let this impact your self esteem? You made a choice, it didn't pan out how you hoped, it's ok! Live, learn, adapt.

 

They were on a date, after the date is when they slept with one another then when they left they both said they would keep in touch.

 

First meet, date, booty call, bank exchange, however they chose to describe things, it's up to them what it was, not us. Since it doesn't seem there was any in depth conversation about expectations besides conversation, banter, sex, more conversation and banter, ending with a 'hey see you later'. I also find it quite odd that shes being told to assume and expect the other person to drop off the map. I don't think that would be my default either, nor do I want it to be my default. I like to have a glass half full outlook maybe, I don't know.

 

I think this goes back to what I said about communication and boundaries and how men and women view sex so differently. If a person naturally values sex and feels she is entitled to the courtesy of a 'not interested' after she engaged in sexual intercourse. I don't necessarily think she's wrong in her thinking and look at her response, very mature, she doesn't seem to be victimizing herself or anything she's simply saying 'what happened?'

 

And like everyone said, including the OPer him using her is the wrong route to go, but she's entitled to feel peeved by his actions. It's a very natural response to being ignored. Sex involved or not. Sex makes it worse in my eyes though.

 

At the end of the day people have to always look out for their emotional wellbeing, especially when dating.

[figureitout23]

Which leads me back to my point, don't get involved with strangers because you don't know them and you don't know how they will respond or what kind of person they actually are, etc.

 

Some people are cold and calculating, some are even dangerous. You can't tell from one date, or a few chats.

 

 

Very true.

[figureitout23]

Point taken. I suppose now that I've calmed down a bit, I am speaking from a personal perspective; I just can't relate to that type of sexual intimacy (or lack of intimacy), and would never engage in it.

 

And I still do believe that even the most casual sex means 'something' to most people even if that something is merely personal validation.

 

What bothers me more is how he is choosing to handle things now.

 

I just don't understand it although lord knows I'm trying!

 

It's just so simple to respond back with "had fun too, but realize we are not a good fit, but best of luck."

 

Ok that sounds cheesy, lol, but even Dobby herself said it would have saved her a lot of angst had he simply told her he wasn't interested in pursuing further.

 

It's never happened to me, but I can imagine that after having sex, having a man ignore your text, no matter how light and breezy the text was, can feel quite degrading to some people.

 

I would never treat another that way and hope to never experience being treated that way myself.

 

Great post, rating system wont let me click the star

[LootieTootie]

Uh... Its rude af to ignore someone after doing the nasty with them. of course they're gonna feel like crap naturally.

 

I am also in the boat of not sending another message. He seems like he was on tinder for one thing only and it wasn't to establish a genuine connection. Kick your rock and walk away from this. he's not the one for you.

[Batya33]

I totally agree with everything that you have said and Im willing to admit that I only agree because it does fit my rhetoric lol.

 

I will agree with Batya in that Im wrong to use the word "used", that mode of thinking will only leave me bitter and upset.

 

I'm well aware that he doesnt owe me anything, but it would have been far more courteous to have received an honest message to tell me he wasn't interested anymore, Id be totally cool with that but the radio silence does hurt my self-esteem.

 

When Ive not felt a spark with someone, Ive always told them and parted with them on amicable terms so I suppose Ive come to expect similiar treatment, at least now the "band-aid" has been effectively ripped off and I wont expect such behaviour anymore.

 

The interesting thing about it is that we both work in the same town (only a street apart) and frequent a lot of the same places so when we do inevitably come across each other, itll be far more awkward and uncomfortable now than if he had just sent me a message of rejection.

 

I have sent those honest yet polite messages and been harassed too many times (sexist part- I felt less safe about that being a woman I guess) - and I give myself the esteem - my expectation always was in dating -and I met over 100 men in person and dated for decades before marrying including through on line dating - was that silence = lack of interest and typically I didn't ask the man out for a first date (although sometimes suggested the first meet since that was not a date as we were strangers). When I was interested in seeing him again I showed interest while on the first meet. I didn't follow up with the transparent "thank you" as a "just in case/and please ask me out" impression - but I did show interest on the date. And he didn't plan a time/place date or darn close to it I assumed we weren't going to see each other again -a realistic view -because of course that could change in the future and then I'd see.

 

I agree it would have been far better if he responded given the potential awkwardness. When I was in that situation (first meet through dating site/mutual friends) - I did respond even though he was really odd and off. And he harassed me on email which meant a lot more awkwardness when we ran into each other than if I'd not responded (I thanked him again and told him that I didn't think we had enough in common to meet again -which was 100% honest without being rude/oversharing). So there's that perspective- he might have been concerned you'd press him for more details/insist on meeting again, etc which would have made running into each other worse.

 

I'm sorry you were disappointed and that he doesn't seem to be interested in seeing you again. I am glad you are physically ok! I asked out a number of men over my dating years (and was fine with it, just not an effective way back then to find a long term relationship) and sure it's ego bruising but consider maybe why it hurts this much with a stranger -sounds like because of the sex but not clear.

 

My 9 year old son just said "wow that's a lot of paragraphs" -I guess I hope he does the right thing whatever that is when he starts dating!

[purplepaisley]

There are no guarantees. Even if you waited, OP, and got a second or third date out of him, even a couple months, he could have bailed after you had sex. I have fallen in bed pretty quickly with the same results, so I decided he has to like me enough for another date before that happens...and you think the chemistry is there and he feels the same for you, and you feel safe to take it to the next level, and he still drops off the planet. You also don't know if he's playing by a set of rules - don't contact for 48 or 72 hours, lest you appear desperate, yada, yada, which of course leaves you feeling fully blown off and not in any way a priority. You've reached out once and at this point, I wouldn't bother again. Just move on. If he does make contact, I guess you can decide if you want to see if this still has some potential since the date did seem to go so well and you seemed to hit it off, but certainly don't have any high expectations.

[Wiseman2]

So by shooting a out a vague, indifferent nonsense text you created your own self fulfilling prophecy? Confidence is attractive. Not this type of preemptive strike where you assure you fail because you think you'll fail.

It would be far more humiliating if I had sent a message along the lines of "I had a great time last night, are you free to meet for lunch on Tuesday" and received no response as its a specific question whereas my message was far more general.

[Zippy2000]

First of all and MOST of all. STAY SAFE! Ok, I get people can click on a first date but you don't know anything about this guy or his background. He could has a sexual disease after he slept with 8 other people before he got round to you.

 

What would have happened it he was a Ted Bundy, Charles Bronson or Peter Sutcliffe? Most men go out on dates to gain sex. However some may get sexual kicks for taking your life. Read this:

 

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/06/02/violent-fantasist-strangled-teacher-23-he-met-on-plenty-of-fish/

 

I hope in future you look after yourself and before you meet strangers and bed them. Take a a step back. Let a man chase after you and romance you. Look after yourself unless you want to appear in a newspaper. Stay safe.

[Batya33]

First of all and MOST of all. STAY SAFE! Ok, I get people can click on a first date but you don't know anything about this guy or his background. He could has a sexual disease after he slept with 8 other people before he got round to you.

 

What would have happened it he was a Ted Bundy, Charles Bronson or Peter Sutcliffe? Most men go out on dates to gain sex. However some may get sexual kicks for taking your life. Read this:

 

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/06/02/violent-fantasist-strangled-teacher-23-he-met-on-plenty-of-fish/

 

I hope in future you look after yourself and before you meet strangers and bed them. Take a a step back. Let a man chase after you and romance you. Look after yourself unless you want to appear in a newspaper. Stay safe.

 

I agree with the safety part (although not with the chasing part) - very good point!

[Everlong13]

If you really like a guy, it’s always good to wait about two months to have sex. Almost every guy I’ve talked to basically have told me a woman who has sex right away is automatically marked off the list of relationship material. There’s always an exception to the rule I’m sure, but this is a good rule of thumb.

 

Two months??

A guy who actually likes you and isn't living in the 1800s won't be judging you for sleeping with him.

[figureitout23]

Because Ted Bundy killed dates he brought back to his apartment and not random women he met in public and lured to his car...

 

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

 

It's tinder! ONS hookups are pretty much the sites speciality...

 

Lord, let me get off this post, the contradictions and sl*t shammings making me itch.

 

OPer, you seem to be ok with things now, I wish you luck going forward.

[katrina1980]

I have sent those honest yet polite messages and been harassed too many times (sexist part- I felt less safe about that being a woman I guess) - and I give myself the esteem - my expectation always was in dating -and I met over 100 men in person and dated for decades before marrying including through on line dating - was that silence = lack of interest and typically I didn't ask the man out for a first date (although sometimes suggested the first meet since that was not a date as we were strangers). When I was interested in seeing him again I showed interest while on the first meet. I didn't follow up with the transparent "thank you" as a "just in case/and please ask me out" impression - but I did show interest on the date. And he didn't plan a time/place date or darn close to it I assumed we weren't going to see each other again -a realistic view -because of course that could change in the future and then I'd see.

 

I agree it would have been far better if he responded given the potential awkwardness. When I was in that situation (first meet through dating site/mutual friends) - I did respond even though he was really odd and off. And he harassed me on email which meant a lot more awkwardness when we ran into each other than if I'd not responded (I thanked him again and told him that I didn't think we had enough in common to meet again -which was 100% honest without being rude/oversharing). So there's that perspective- he might have been concerned you'd press him for more details/insist on meeting again, etc which would have made running into each other worse.

 

I'm sorry you were disappointed and that he doesn't seem to be interested in seeing you again. I am glad you are physically ok! I asked out a number of men over my dating years (and was fine with it, just not an effective way back then to find a long term relationship) and sure it's ego bruising but consider maybe why it hurts this much with a stranger -sounds like because of the sex but not clear.

 

My 9 year old son just said "wow that's a lot of paragraphs" -I guess I hope he does the right thing whatever that is when he starts dating!

 

I've been occasionally harassed too when politely declining a man's invite, which is why when it happens now, I immediately delete all subsequent texts (I don't have the block function).

 

*MY* temporary discomfort should not trump courtesy and respect for another human being when they reach out and express interest or suggest we meet again.

 

And I am wondering, have you ever ignored a man's invites/texts after being sexually intimate with him?

 

If not, also wondering if you could place yourself in the shoes of someone who *was* sexually intimate, and after reaching out expressing interest, suggesting they get together again, was ignored.

 

As I said earlier, never happened to me but I can certainly *empathize*, and as mentioned, understand how degrading (or just awful) that might feel.

 

This was not a 15 minute coffee date; they had sexual relations which *does* mean something to most women (people) unless they're an emotionless robot.

 

It is perfectly understandable that Dobby feels as she does.

 

She said she recognizes he does not "owe" her a response back, he's not "obligated," but good god what has this world come to when it becomes okay and acceptable to ignore someone who reaches out and expresses interest after being sexually intimate with that person (or even when no sex was involved) -- when it's **so easy** to send a quick text back politely declining invite and wishing them well.

 

Common courtesy and respect for another human being, so they're not sitting there either anxiously waiting for a response (read all the posts on this forum attesting to that) or at the very least wondering what the hell just happened.

 

If that person continues to text, harass, then block them. So easy!

 

I will never understand this.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, I totally agree with you here. It would be far more humiliating if I had sent a message along the lines of "I had a great time last night, are you free to meet for lunch on Tuesday" and received no response as its a specific question whereas my message was far more general.

 

Anyway, I'm going to write it all off as a learning experience. I just really liked him, and that's not common for me, so I suppose its the disappointment that it's not going to go further that's playing on my mind.

 

What did you learn?

[Batya33]

"*MY* temporary discomfort should not trump courtesy and respect for another human being when they reach out and express interest or suggest we meet again.

 

And I am wondering, have you ever ignored a man's invites/texts after being sexually intimate with him?

 

If not, also wondering if you could place yourself in the shoes of someone who *was* sexually intimate, and after reaching out expressing interest, suggesting they get together again, was ignored.

 

As I said earlier, never happened to me but I can certainly *empathize*, and as mentioned, understand how degrading (or just awful) that might feel.

 

This was not a 15 minute coffee date; they had sexual relations which *does* mean something to most women (people) unless they're an emotionless robot.

 

It is perfectly understandable that Dobby feels as she does.

 

She said she recognizes he does not "owe" her a response back, he's not "obligated," but good god what has this world come to when it becomes okay and acceptable to ignore someone who reaches out and expresses interest after being sexually intimate with that person (or even when no sex was involved) -- when it's **so easy** to send a quick text back politely declining invite and wishing them well.

 

Common courtesy and respect for another human being, so they're not sitting there either anxiously waiting for a response (read all the posts on this forum attesting to that) or at the very least wondering what the hell just happened.

 

If that person continues to text, harass, then block them. So easy!"

 

 

I will never understand this."

 

 

No - not easy with a landline to block someone at all and yes it was a matter of safety not just temporary discomfort and yes when I dated it was considered perfectly appropriate for silence to indicate lack of interest on either end.

 

I never had casual sex so, no and had I chosen to have intercourse casually, no I would not have expected a follow up call if he didn't want to see me again just as was the case if we didn't have sex. I did share intimate kisses and emotional stuff on first dates and first meets. And I didn't think the guy was obligated to call me. And I don't see intercourse as different unless the couple discusses what it means to them or each of them beforehand.

When I did have sex we were exclusive and, with one exception -one partner - in love - so yes I would have expected him to call me if he wanted to break up or didn't want to see me again not because of the sex but because we were an established, serious couple. And I would have called the guy too if we went out more than 3-4 times regardless of whether we had sex or even kissed, if he asked me out and I didn't want to see him again.

We simply define "common courtesy" differently which is fine.

 

I think if a person chooses to have casual sex on a first date or first meet there shouldn't be any different obligations or questions of what is courteous as to whether that person needs to respond to an invitation for an actual first date or to see the person again after a one night stand or after one or two dates. Like I wrote I do think it's essential to follow up if it's a matter of health or safety. We can disagree on what common courtesy means but it's not a question of whether my way is not "courteous" -that's simply a mater of opinion. No, I don't think that kind of intimacy - sexual intercourse -changes things in the least.

 

And, yes, since silence was perfectly acceptable and courteous I decided on an individual basis whether to respond to the person depending on the risks of him harassing me. And yes since it was ok to not respond I more often chose not to if there was a risk of discomfort or harassment. That was how I balanced it. I had several men indicate non-specific interest in seeing me again and never heard from them again. Totally fine in my book whether we'd kissed or had an emotional conversation, etc.

 

Now that the OP shared that they likely will run into each other again I think it's foolish of him not to respond -that's my opinion -I responded in situations like that and endured in at least one case the harassment, etc.

[reinventmyself]

 

I know that I may sound like Im being dramatic and probably a psycho but the thought that Ive been used for sex cuts very deeply with me for several reasons

 

I don't doubt that this feels crummy, but you did engage in consensual sex with someone you barely knew, so he technically didn't use you. Re framing the way you look at it may help.

It's already been said but don't have sex with someone on the first date that you meet on an internet dating website that leans largely towards casual hook ups.

 

No. . don't contact him. His silence tells you everything you need to know. I agree, an explanation is better than silence but there are a great majority that will avoid that awkward moment when

they tell someone they aren't interested in anything further.

 

Going forward, if you aren't interested in casual hookups take your time getting to know someone and watch their actions closely to gauge their intentions.

[Batya33]

I don't doubt that this feels crummy, but you did engage in consensual sex with someone you barely knew, so he technically didn't use you. Re framing the way you look at it may help.

It's already been said but don't have sex with someone on the first date that you meet on an internet dating website that leans largely towards casual hook ups.

 

No. . don't contact him. His silence tells you everything you need to know. I agree, an explanation is better than silence but there are a great majority that will avoid that awkward moment when

they tell someone they aren't interested in anything further.

 

Going forward, if you aren't interested in casual hookups take your time getting to know someone and watch their actions closely to gauge their intentions.

 

I agree with this. Reinvent -you might have missed her follow up post where she acknowledged that she wasn't used -I thought that was great of her and insightful of her to own up to that.

[katrina1980]

Deleted.... :D

[katrina1980]

 

I agree, an explanation is better than silence...

 

 

I agree with this.

 

Batya, I am really happy you have turned around on this!

 

My faith in humanity has been restored! lol

 

At least on some level.

 

Best of luck moving forward Dobby!

[Batya33]

Same opinion generally lol. I was responding specifically to the OPs situation given that he knows he might run into her again. I liked how Reinvent put it. I understand you have a different view of what common courtesy requires after two people who just met have intercourse and I have no reaction on my end other than I observe that you have a different view than I do. I appreciated the OPs candid acknowledgement her she knows she was not used. Seems to me that for her personally casual sex might not be the best choice despite it being a good or great choice for others

[thornz]

Oh that can’t feel very good. Perhaps casual sex is not for you, which unfortunately without prior discussion, it likely could be.

 

A few points, your text was pretty casual and by “coffee” he might have thought you only wanted to pursue things on a casual basis.

 

You said to get back to him if he’s free this week. He might not be free or the week might not be over. I think you could expect to hear from him again when he’s at a loose end and horny.

 

I’d recommend dating someone at least a few times before being intimate, so you have a better gauge of their interest and intentions.

 

I’m on the fence with the men only dating women who make them wait. I personally wouldn’t sleep with a man I was considering as a serious prospect without getting to know him properly and if a man was pushing for sex early on I would rule him out. However if I was up for casual sex it would make more sense to sleep with them without being close and waiting. I just see it as two very different types of interaction, rather than judging someone for sleeping with me too soon and being a hypocrite.

 

I would say it’s not unrealistic for you to expect a reply, had you made a specific request, but you text him a message that implied if he wasn’t interested then he need not message you. I think you could see it as polite for him to reply or as unnecessary or even a bit arrogant.

 

“Text me if you like me and want to meet again”

 

“I don’t want to meet again but I’ll still reply just to say I don’t want to meet again”

 

There are different ways to interpret his lack of response.

[Batya33]

Oh that can’t feel very good. Perhaps casual sex is not for you, which unfortunately without prior discussion, it likely could be.

 

A few points, your text was pretty casual and by “coffee” he might have thought you only wanted to pursue things on a casual basis.

 

You said to get back to him if he’s free this week. He might not be free or the week might not be over. I think you could expect to hear from him again when he’s at a loose end and horny.

 

I’d recommend dating someone at least a few times before being intimate, so you have a better gauge of their interest and intentions.

 

I’m on the fence with the men only dating women who make them wait. I personally wouldn’t sleep with a man I was considering as a serious prospect without getting to know him properly and if a man was pushing for sex early on I would rule him out. However if I was up for casual sex it would make more sense to sleep with them without being close and waiting. I just see it as two very different types of interaction, rather than judging someone for sleeping with me too soon and being a hypocrite.

 

I would say it’s not unrealistic for you to expect a reply, had you made a specific request, but you text him a message that implied if he wasn’t interested then he need not message you. I think you could see it as polite for him to reply or as unnecessary or even a bit arrogant.

 

“Text me if you like me and want to meet again”

 

“I don’t want to meet again but I’ll still reply just to say I don’t want to meet again”

 

There are different ways to interpret his lack of response.

 

Really interesting! If it were me and I received the message the OP sent after an intimate evening (whether intercourse was involved or not) I'd personally be put off as describing it as "laughs" and in that casual way. Certainly I wouldn't like the other extreme but I could see him thinking that you see having sex as just a fun frolic with no attachment. I get that you were trying to be cool - but since the cat's out of the bag I'd be straight up and ask the person out properly "I had a great time seeing you last night and I'd love to get together again -I'm free ___ day. What about you?" It's a small point since she made her interest clear by having sex with him and following up obviously wanting to see him again soon, but your post made me think of that again.

[thealchemist]

You can't have a very good grasp of someone's intent/potential on your first person to person interaction.

 

So sleeping with someone with no credible knowledge about them is risky. I am a little bit of a paranoid person and this has always been the biggest single reason why I would never do a hookup with a stranger.

 

Now, the actual act of sex holds no inherent special value in and of itself to me. It is just a biological function, like everything else we do.

 

It needs more respect than other biological functions because it can have a huge impact on your future, but other than that it isn't anymore "sacred" to me.

 

But I know that doing that act will make me emotionally vulnerable to the person I engaged in it with. I do not allow myself to be in such a weakened and vulnerable state with a person I do not trust.

 

So personally, sex without trust is a quagmire for one such as me.

 

But all this is my personal take on sex, adding or removing value when it relates to others is stupid. How can you know what someone else's relationship with sex is? So how could you possible judge someone else's sexual relations if you don't know how they view it?

 

I have only had sex with my wife(way way before marriage), so I am sitting at a very happy "one sexual partner".

 

I can honestly say that even with my circumstances I wouldn't judge someone for having a hookup with a stranger, except that I think it is a little reckless to trust a stranger that much.

 

But it has nothing to do with the sex and more to do with the fact that people typically isolate themselves when having sex and isolating yourself when with a stranger is a little risky.

 

I do think if you want a meaningful ltr you can help your chances of finding someone if you don't put on your blinders to their flaws by having sex early and entering into the honeymoon phase in a non viable relationship.

 

But I don't even know if other people do that or just me.

[figureitout23]

 

 

Now, the actual act of sex holds no inherent special value in and of itself to me. It is just a biological function, like everything else we do.

 

It needs more respect than other biological functions because it can have a huge impact on your future, but other than that it isn't anymore "sacred" to me.

 

But I know that doing that act will make me emotionally vulnerable to the person I engaged in it with. I do not allow myself to be in such a weakened and vulnerable state with a person I do not trust.

 

So personally, sex without trust is a quagmire for one such as me.

 

But all this is my personal take on sex, adding or removing value when it relates to others is stupid. How can you know what someone else's relationship with sex is? So how could you possible judge someone else's sexual relations if you don't know how they view it?

 

 

 

I'm on the fence about the rest of your post, but I really like what's written here. It is a biological function but it is also something that puts many in their most vulnerable state, so they don't take it lightly, nor could they even if they tried though they play the role. Our beliefs of sex control that and its an idividual thing. It's not something that can even be changed I don't think, I think once that's system is there, it's there. I can only speak for me of course but I know for a fact my brain simply cannot conpartmentalize sex, vulnerability, emotion. It's all jumbled.

 

Interesting post alchemist, made me think.

[thealchemist]

I'm on the fence about the rest of your post, but I really like what's written here. It is a biological function but it is also something that puts many in their most vulnerable state, so they don't take it lightly, nor could they even if they tried though they play the role. Our beliefs of sex control that and its an idividual thing. It's not something that can even be changed I don't think, I think once that's system is there, it's there. I can only speak for me of course but I know for a fact my brain simply cannot conpartmentalize sex, vulnerability, emotion. It's all jumbled.

 

Interesting post alchemist, made me think.

Yeah well the rest of my post is just my take through my experiences about my relationship with sex.

 

I would imagine everyone's opinions vary a bit compared to my experiences/conclusions.

 

I was also stating that for me I need to not engage in sex before I have a lot of trust because I have the potential to being blind about others things.

 

But I am a hyper sexual and naive so that makes sense for me personally. I did not intent it to be a blanket statement about everyone should be cautious about having sex to early because they might delude themselves.

 

I am sure many people can keep a clear mind and not get too wrapped up into the sexual aspect of the relationship and delude themselves with other aspects.

 

But I have little faith that I can...

 

But like many people I have some things in my history that make me slightly paranoid of people and very cautious about giving trust.