Have I been ghosted?

[SherrySher]

True, Batya. Having sex does not guarantee another date, unfortunately.

[Batya33]

True, Batya. Having sex does not guarantee another date, unfortunately.

 

I don't think it's unfortunate at all. Or fortunate. They met once and he decided he didn't want to go on an actual date with her. I think the only reason people should go on another date is if there is a spark or some potential for a spark plus, if they are looking for potential long term no obvious long term dealbreakers.

[SherrySher]

Yes, but the unfortunate part comes in when there are expectations from someone and they assume sex means they are liked and will have more dates.

[Batya33]

Yes, but the unfortunate part comes in when there are expectations from someone and they assume sex means they are liked and will have more dates.

 

Yes - and even worse when there is an assumption that he/she was "used" when the sex was consensual and with no promises of another date or anything similar. And usually the man is blamed for "using" the woman - which is a shame to place blame that way and a bigger shame when that leads to bitterness on the woman's part.

[SherrySher]

I see what you're saying..makes total sense. Good perspective.

[Cope]

Exactly Batya, it's not unfortunate or fortunate.

 

It's just sex. No one's using anyone unless they are forced to have sex or forcing themselves if they are wired, for example,that having sex guarantees a second date.

That type of thinking has to stop and I'm quite sure that it has.

 

Sex is just an enjoyable bodily function 2 people share. Sure it can mean a lot if you have feelings for the other person, but it can also take place with no feelings involved. Judging another person or a potential long term relationship on the mere fact of when the sex is happening is just like diagnosing a disease from just a cough.

 

Great advice there SherrySher, "only you can protect yourself"!

[SherrySher]

Thanks, Cope. Well said.

[Batya33]

Exactly Batya, it's not unfortunate or fortunate.

 

It's just sex. No one's using anyone unless they are forced to have sex or forcing themselves if they are wired, for example,that having sex guarantees a second date.

That type of thinking has to stop and I'm quite sure that it has.

 

Sex is just an enjoyable bodily function 2 people share. Sure it can mean a lot if you have feelings for the other person, but it can also take place with no feelings involved. Judging another person or a potential long term relationship on the mere fact of when the sex is happening is just like diagnosing a disease from just a cough.

 

Great advice there SherrySher, "only you can protect yourself"!

 

I agree. I knew early on that I got emotionally attached through sex so I didn't have casual sex. And, later, my desire to/temptation to, went away. I know of people who are totally fine and more than fine having casual sex, I know of relationships that started with a one night stand after meeting in a bar (in one case a marriage) and I know of many many more where the women lied to themselves about being cool with casual sex and ended up blaming the man for "using" her or other jerky behavior.

[figureitout23]

"I would lose all faith in humanity if I had to believe, its not only acceptable but expected to be ignored after sexual intercourse"

 

I'm just not sure why intercourse changes anything as far as whether the people who had sex are obligated to get in touch after if they don't want to see each other again (unless for news of pregnancy/STD). He didn't ignore her at all. He simply chose not to respond to her invitation for a date. If there hadn't been intercourse same thing - if you've only met once and one doesn't want to go out again then not responding indicates lack of interest. I never liked those self-serving "you're amazing but I am not looking for a relationship right now" or some such drivel.

Too many times my polite declining of a second date or a first date was met with some form of harassment. No thanks.

 

You are entitled to your opinion of 'proper' protocol, I refuse to believe it's acceptable behavior, so I personally dont accept it as ok, neither would you based on your previously discussed dating preferences, so why would I advise someone they should accept what I would not accept?

 

I would also never believe every man dismisses a woman he sleeps with on the first date. I think more of men than to think their brains are that, for a lack of better words, basic.

 

A few months ago I had a funny conversation about men and women with a group of my friends, one of women made a similar comment to you sherry essentially saying men lose interest if they sleep with a woman too soon and one of the guys said

 

" What kind of self deprecating person do you think I am! If I think less of you for *expletive* what does that say about me?"

 

The way he said it had us all laughing our butts off and it led to a pretty interesting convo.I'm not going to lie some of the guys agreed with the girl. It was a pretty split room.

 

I think it all boils down to the emotional and mental health of the individual. I really do, what my friend said really hit a nerve with me. I think thoughts on sex are seldomly a black and white thing that we can really pin down, we all have our own individual set belief systems and boundaries when it comes to our sexuality and if we just communicated them ahead of time things would go a whole lot smoother.

 

 

I'm not going to live my life thinking it's ok for a man to place a value system on my sexuality nor am I going to live my life being ashamed of my sexuality thinking if I open myself up too soon sexually, I then deserve to be treated rudely. Not replying to the dude on let go selling his china hutch is bad manners, but ignoring the person I just exchanged bodily fluids isn't?

 

I'd much rather tell a poster to know your boundaries and communicate than to tell her, her expierience was the same as an exchange at the bank and she's wrong for thinking otherwise. We women have a hard enough time navigating our sexuality in a world that wants us to think it's shameful. Men and women have different brains and do not view sex the same, nor does society view male and female sexuality the same, stop insisting we do.

 

At the end of the day OPer communicate and set your boundaries. And by that I don't mean tell a man. 'I was hurt before, when I had sex too soon, don't hurt me like he did ok?' That is a blinking neon light to predators. What's I mean is stating, naturally and with confidence "I'm not looking for a one night stand". Take control of your dating life.

[Batya33]

He didn’t dismiss her - he just didn’t want to see her again it seems. I think as I wrote above marriages and relationships can start with a one night stand or casual sex or in all sorts of ways. All else equal if a person wants a long term relationship it’s probably better to wait before having sex. I think it’s fine not to respond to an offer for another date especially early on and especially before you’ve even had a real date whether or not intercourses happened. There may be a separate reason to get in touch having to do with the person’s safety or health but not because two consenting adults decided to add sex to the evenings activities. It sounds like the OP regretted having casual sex and instead of owning her decision in part mused they maybe she’d been used just because he asked her to hang out after having sex. Others may be fine with having casual sex. She doesn’t seem to be. I don’t like putting obligations on someone to call someone else or get in touch just because there was intercourse. I always assumed that no call meant no interest even if we’d kissed or made out etc. I don't think he was rude and I don't think she deserved to be treated rudely.

 

I don't think a person owes another person a response to an invitation for a first date and all he said to her at the time was that he'd see her later -one of those throwaway lines -had he really wanted to see her again he would have made sure to make a plan or at least to tell her when he'd be in touch so she didn't get snapped up by another guy. That's the difference in opinion - I was treated very rudely by men I said no to - no about sex, no about another date, etc. - and when I dated it was not rude at all to not respond to an invitation -silence meant lack of interest. So please don't think I think she deserves to be treated with less respect or rudeness because she had casual sex -the opposite. We just have different definitions of what's expected after a first meet. After a first meet I think there's no reason to get in touch if you don't want to see the other person again.

 

I think she should own what she chose and not feel ashamed in the least. And it should have nothing to do with whether he wants to see her again or have sex again. She had fun and she regretted having causal sex. She should be glad she now knows herself well enough to know casual sex isn’t for her. In this case two near strangers had fun having sex. Nothing to be ashamed about. She might be disappointed that he doesn't seem that interested in seeing her again -of course -totally normal.

[SherrySher]

Well said Figureitout and Batya, you both have very good points.

[katrina1980]

Putting the sex aside (although personally I do think it's relevant for reasons stated in earlier post), after their date, the OP reached out expressing interest and suggesting they meet again.

 

He "ignored" it and sorry I think that lacks courtesy and respect, especially considering they were sexually intimate on their date.

 

What have we become, robots? Programmed to have no emotion during sexual relations and afterwards, no courtesy or regard for the person we were just sexually intimate with -- wham bam thank you ma'm, CYA!

 

And when your date/sexual partner reaches out afterwards and expresses interest in getting together again, it's acceptable to just ignore?? Which he is, there is no getting around that fact.

 

No he is not **obligated"** to respond back, no one suggested he was!

 

We are talking basic common courtesy! "Had fun too, but not interested in pursuing further, wish you the best, take care." Or something of the like.

 

Had she NOT reached out, okay it's a 'one and done' on both sides, no harm no foul.

 

But I am shocked that some folks find it acceptable for him to just ignore her, ignore her invite - yes he has "ghosted" her and it's rude, insensitive and inconsiderate, again especially considering they were also sexually intimate, which as I said earlier, typically means 'something' to most people, even if just for that night, unless they're a freakin **robot.**

 

I must've been raised differently cause I am seriously shocked at some of these responses.

[Cope]

Oh, Katrina, I find it extremely rude that he ignored her, just to be clear! I mean, even if he wants a fbuddy situation,dude, say something! "I had a nice time too, sure I would like to do that again, although I'm not really looking for a relationship right now"SOMETHING.

 

I'm just sure that he will contact her again and if she wants to, she can say yes, just make sure it's just for the sex. Ideally, she'd say no, but hey, sex! ahah (Yes I have made some poor decisions in my life,lol) I do find that fbuddies work best when you don't really like them, but to be honest,jokes aside, I'd probably back off this one after his ignoring.

[katrina1980]

Oh, Katrina, I find it extremely rude that he ignored her, just to be clear! I mean, even if he wants a fbuddy situation,dude, say something! "I had a nice time too, sure I would like to do that again, although I'm not really looking for a relationship right now"SOMETHING.

 

I'm just sure that he will contact her again and if she wants to, she can say yes, just make sure it's just for the sex. Ideally, she'd say no, but hey, sex! ahah (Yes I have made some poor decisions in my life,lol) I do find that fbuddies work best when you don't really like them, but to be honest,jokes aside, I'd probably back off this one after his ignoring.

 

Thank you Cope but I wasn't referring to you, I think you and I (and figureitout) are essentially on the same page about this.

 

I have to log off now, this thread has really wound me up, not sure why, nothing like what's been discussed here has ever even happened to me!

 

I am basically in shock at some of these responses (not yours).

[figureitout23]

He didn’t dismiss her - he just didn’t want to see her again it seems. I think as I wrote above marriages and relationships can start with a one night stand or casual sex or in all sorts of ways. All else equal if a person wants a long term relationship it’s probably better to wait before having sex. I think it’s fine not to respond to an offer for another date especially early on and especially before you’ve even had a real date whether or not intercourses happened. There may be a separate reason to get in touch having to do with the person’s safety or health but not because two consenting adults decided to add sex to the evenings activities. It sounds like the OP regretted having casual sex and instead of owning her decision in part mused they maybe she’d been used just because he asked her to hang out after having sex. Others may be fine with having casual sex. She doesn’t seem to be. I don’t like putting obligations on someone to call someone else or get in touch just because there was intercourse. I always assumed that no call meant no interest even if we’d kissed or made out etc. I don't think he was rude and I don't think she deserved to be treated rudely.

 

I don't think a person owes another person a response to an invitation for a first date and all he said to her at the time was that he'd see her later -one of those throwaway lines -had he really wanted to see her again he would have made sure to make a plan or at least to tell her when he'd be in touch so she didn't get snapped up by another guy. That's the difference in opinion - I was treated very rudely by men I said no to - no about sex, no about another date, etc. - and when I dated it was not rude at all to not respond to an invitation -silence meant lack of interest. So please don't think I think she deserves to be treated with less respect or rudeness because she had casual sex -the opposite. We just have different definitions of what's expected after a first meet. After a first meet I think there's no reason to get in touch if you don't want to see the other person again.

 

I think she should own what she chose and not feel ashamed in the least. And it should have nothing to do with whether he wants to see her again or have sex again. She had fun and she regretted having causal sex. She should be glad she now knows herself well enough to know casual sex isn’t for her. In this case two near strangers had fun having sex. Nothing to be ashamed about. She might be disappointed that he doesn't seem that interested in seeing her again -of course -totally normal.

 

You know bat. except for the last sentence that's kinda borderline, I can see your point of view.

 

I still do not think it's ok to ignore a sexual partner, but that's because of my own personal beliefs being projected. I value sex and believe it is wrong to 'hit it and quit

it'

 

ETA - oh it looks like the post was edited, I haven't read it all yet. Will be back later.

[Dobby896]

I totally agree with everything that you have said and Im willing to admit that I only agree because it does fit my rhetoric lol.

 

I will agree with Batya in that Im wrong to use the word "used", that mode of thinking will only leave me bitter and upset.

 

I'm well aware that he doesnt owe me anything, but it would have been far more courteous to have received an honest message to tell me he wasn't interested anymore, Id be totally cool with that but the radio silence does hurt my self-esteem.

 

When Ive not felt a spark with someone, Ive always told them and parted with them on amicable terms so I suppose Ive come to expect similiar treatment, at least now the "band-aid" has been effectively ripped off and I wont expect such behaviour anymore.

 

The interesting thing about it is that we both work in the same town (only a street apart) and frequent a lot of the same places so when we do inevitably come across each other, itll be far more awkward and uncomfortable now than if he had just sent me a message of rejection.

[Batya33]

You know bat. except for the last sentence that's kinda borderline, I can see your point of view.

 

I still do not think it's ok to ignore a sexual partner, but that's because of my own personal beliefs being projected. I value sex and believe it is wrong to 'hit it and quit

it'

 

ETA - oh it looks like the post was edited, I haven't read it all yet. Will be back later.

 

I value sex very much too which is why I said it would be essential for him to get in touch with her if he had an STD and she with him if she had one or was pregnant. I don't think he ignored a sexual partner. I think he decided not to respond to her invitation to get together. I don't think he hit and quit. Two adults who just met decided to have consensual sex. I don't think that comes with it any obligation to be in touch ever again other than what I wrote about health and safety. I don't think having sex has to include an emotional connection - I mean, for me, personally, it does, 100% -and more than just an emotional connection --but I understand completely that for certain people sex is a pleasurable act with another person whether or not emotions are involved, there is no shame in that and to the contrary I would imagine for those people who separate emotions from sex it can be really fun, or maybe feel empowering or maybe just be a way to get needs met -whatever floats their boat. I do think that if she expected him to be in touch with her again for some reason then she should have voiced that expectation before having sex and if he then promised to and broke his promise that would be rude/disrespectful.

[katrina1980]

I value sex very much too which is why I said it would be essential for him to get in touch with her if he had an STD and she with him if she had one or was pregnant. I don't think he ignored a sexual partner. I think he decided not to respond to her invitation to get together. I don't think he hit and quit. Two adults who just met decided to have consensual sex. I don't think that comes with it any obligation to be in touch ever again other than what I wrote about health and safety. I don't think having sex has to include an emotional connection - I mean, for me, personally, it does, 100% -and more than just an emotional connection --but I understand completely that for certain people sex is a pleasurable act with another person whether or not emotions are involved, there is no shame in that and to the contrary I would imagine for those people who separate emotions from sex it can be really fun, or maybe feel empowering or maybe just be a way to get needs met -whatever floats their boat. I do think that if she expected him to be in touch with her again for some reason then she should have voiced that expectation before having sex and if he then promised to and broke his promise that would be rude/disrespectful.

 

Is this what you're raising your son to believe is acceptable too? Or will be once he reaches the appropriate age?

 

That after he and a woman engage in sexual relations, and she reaches out afterwards, to express interest, asking to get together or for whatever reason, if HE isn't interested, that it's okay and acceptable to just ignore her?

 

You keep saying he's not "ignoring" her of course he's ignoring her, come on now.

 

Again, no one said he is "obligated" to respond back, that's missing the point.

 

Talking basic common courtesy and respect for another human being who is obviously interested who has reached out expressing that interest, and no doubt on edge waiting for a response and wondering what the hell is going on.

 

Hence this thread! And Dobby's last post.

 

JMO of course but I find this insensitive, and actually quite cruel too.

[katrina1980]

I am very sorry you have experienced this Dobby, please know there are better men out there.

 

No he didn't "use" you but how he chose to handle things afterwards shows a total lack of courtesy and respect, and in my opinion you're probably better off finding this out now.

 

Feel better and ((hugs)).

[itsallgrand]

I would think it rude if she had asked him out on a date. As in, would you like to get together Friday for a drink? or the like.

She bounced it back very casually, and to me, if I got a message like that after a first meet, I wouldn't respond unless I wanted to see the person again and set up a date.

 

Sure, some people will have different expectations. To me, sex doesn't change that it was a first meet and they are strangers. Seems like setting oneself up for pain to expect much of someone you don't know. That's actually what the dating can be for.

 

Why let this impact your self esteem? You made a choice, it didn't pan out how you hoped, it's ok! Live, learn, adapt.

[katrina1980]

I don't think it's about having an expectation that having sex means continued dating or a relationship developing. That would be an unrealistic expectation.

 

But I don't think it's too much to expect that the person you just engaged in sexual relations with isn't some robot, who lacks emotion and who places you on par with someone they just had a 15 minute coffee date with!

 

No matter how early the sex or how casual.

 

That's just cold.

[itsallgrand]

That's interesting. I don't think it makes someone robotic to not feel particular intimacy with a stranger they had sex with. Depending on how a person relates to intimacy, some 15 minute coffee chats can be as or more intimate than some sex.

People relate to sex in so many different ways, sometimes the same person depending on circumstances.

Theres really no way to know until you know them quite well.

[SherrySher]

Which leads me back to my point, don't get involved with strangers because you don't know them and you don't know how they will respond or what kind of person they actually are, etc.

 

Some people are cold and calculating, some are even dangerous. You can't tell from one date, or a few chats.

[katrina1980]

That's interesting. I don't think it makes someone robotic to not feel particular intimacy with a stranger they had sex with. Depending on how a person relates to intimacy, some 15 minute coffee chats can be as or more intimate than some sex.

People relate to sex in so many different ways, sometimes the same person depending on circumstances.

Theres really no way to know until you know them quite well.

 

Point taken. I suppose now that I've calmed down a bit, I am speaking from a personal perspective; I just can't relate to that type of sexual intimacy (or lack of intimacy), and would never engage in it.

 

And I still do believe that even the most casual sex means 'something' to most people even if that something is merely personal validation.

 

What bothers me more is how he is choosing to handle things now.

 

I just don't understand it although lord knows I'm trying!

 

It's just so simple to respond back with "had fun too, but realize we are not a good fit, but best of luck."

 

Ok that sounds cheesy, lol, but even Dobby herself said it would have saved her a lot of angst had he simply told her he wasn't interested in pursuing further.

 

It's never happened to me, but I can imagine that after having sex, having a man ignore your text, no matter how light and breezy the text was, can feel quite degrading to some people.

 

I would never treat another that way and hope to never experience being treated that way myself.

[SherrySher]

True..awfully degrading. Shame there are dirtbags on the dating sites, but you do have to be careful. Not everyone deserves your time or your kiss.