Have I been ghosted?

[Vexna]

I think when you have sex has nothing to do with the interest levels, nor the level of commitment one wants.

A guy I know is always telling me about girls he's seeing that want to wait. Of course they are the only ones waiting as he is off having sex with others at the same time. I'm not generalizing this, it's just one guy I know, but I truly believe if someone loses interest after sex on the first date then there wasn't much interest to go around in the first place.

 

Yeah, unfortunally this. Sucks that you never get to know why he didnt like you tho. But never sleep with guys so soon even if the vibe is right, he could be one of those who thinks you're easy and does this with just everyone so it wasd a one time thing for him bc of that.

[Batya33]

I'm on the fence about the rest of your post, but I really like what's written here. It is a biological function but it is also something that puts many in their most vulnerable state, so they don't take it lightly, nor could they even if they tried though they play the role. Our beliefs of sex control that and its an idividual thing. It's not something that can even be changed I don't think, I think once that's system is there, it's there. I can only speak for me of course but I know for a fact my brain simply cannot conpartmentalize sex, vulnerability, emotion. It's all jumbled.

 

Interesting post alchemist, made me think.

 

I never had casual sex like that because I knew I would feel emotional and attached and the upsides (pleasure/fun/variety) were absolutely not worth the downsides. I also knew that my feelings about abortion meant that casual sex was a huge risk (and STD risks too). I think there are certainly people who compartmentalize well and/or feel that the upsides for them are worth the emotional risk. And I think it's the adult's responsibility to know himself or herself when it comes to deciding whether to have casual sex with someone he/she just met.

[figureitout23]

I never had casual sex like that because I knew I would feel emotional and attached and the upsides (pleasure/fun/variety) were absolutely not worth the downsides. I also knew that my feelings about abortion meant that casual sex was a huge risk (and STD risks too). I think there are certainly people who compartmentalize well and/or feel that the upsides for them are worth the emotional risk. And I think it's the adult's responsibility to know himself or herself when it comes to deciding whether to have casual sex with someone he/she just met.

 

I think that's where your judgement comes from bat. It's passive, but it's definitely there.

 

The truth is many people don't know themselves or their bodies as much as they should, it's not something that's pushed in America, there's still a lot of shame and discomfort around the subject.

 

Not to mention people are dismissed when they express vulnerability and confusion and all those emotions that can sprout up when sex is introduced into a situation. Take this post as the perfect example.

 

 

I did not know how sex effects me until I had a FWB. I never had to know because up until that point, I only had sex is situations where the commitment was established already. If I never expierienced that uneasiness, the discomfort, that general feeling of being knocked off center that goes through a persons mind when they cannot compartmentalize sex/vulnerability/emotion. I'd probably be dismissive too.

 

But because I do know, I understand. Don't get me wrong if you know and you keep doing it, you're just being your own worst enemy, but knowing how sex effects you isn't taught in any school books I've seen, you aren't born knowing if casual sex is for you. Life is a learning expiereince.

[Batya33]

I think the main judgments are coming from your post about me -presuming I am being dismissive or that I don't value sex. Neither of which could be further from the truth. It's a subject I've thought about deeply and personally and I'm on the side of women being empowered to make their own choices and to own those choices. And I don't agree that a person has to try risky behavior to know it's not good for her -such as drugs, or putting oneself in harm's way or having sex in a situation that could be emotionally harmful.

 

I think a person who doesn’t know would probably make a better choice by not having casual sex until she or he did know a lot more -enough to make a reasoned decision. I have an opinion for sure. I feel strongly that men are to often blamed by women who regret having casual sex - or accused of using them or being jerks rather than the woman owning her choices. If a woman consents to casual sex then it’s not the man's job to decide for her that she’ll get too attached - I’m not a feminist but to me that disempowers women and imposes this whole impression of fragility rather than assuming an adult woman can weigh the risk and benefits. I certainly regret some of the sexual choices I made. I slept with a man who wasn’t in love with me and I promised him that if I got pregnant I’d abort. And in my heart of hearts that just wasn’t true. I’m just lucky I didn’t get pregnant and it was really dumb to have sex and lie to him and to myself. We were exclusive and serious but he didn’t love me and he ended things after about 5 months of dating.

 

I also regret the few times I made really dumb choice of being in private with a man and then being assaulted (but not raped). Certainly I was a victim and if I could do it all over again I would never have allowed myself to be alone with those men. I do blame those men for not taking no for an answer -that's a whole different category.

 

I don’t presume everyone knows themselves. I didn’t know for sure either. I do presume that if an adult makes a choice she or he should own that choice and not place blame on someone else or assume that someone should treat him or her differently because she might feel more vulnerable. That’s her responsibility to get the support she needs either from within or without. I love that the OP recognized that. I think it's a shame that just because a first date or first meet includes sexual intercourse that all of a sudden there are these heightened expectations that if the woman reaches out after to mention how many laughs there were and to inquire about coffee that the man is discourteous for not responding to that casual invite. Please.

 

And if there hadn't been intercourse it would have been ok - that's what I'm getting from your posts -that just because she regrets getting naked with a near stranger it's his responsibility to respond and tell her that he's not interested in more sex or in having coffee so that it will help her self-esteem. But if they just met for coffee and shared personal details of their lives it would be ok if he responded with silence (as I wrote I think silence is fine in that situation and I don't think having intercourse changes anything). She even wrote to him "thanks for the laughs" -that is not the message of a woman who's vulnerable.

 

He made a poor choice because it might prove more awkward for him if he runs into her which she indicated he might. But discourteous not to respond to someone he just met who summed up their evening in that breezy way and inquired about coffee? Sure, if she'd written she felt vulnerable or needed his support with some medical issue related to sex I can see where he might just as a human being put aside the risk of the "bunny boiler" reaction and write back a thoughtful message - but not because they had sex -because another person was reaching out to him and hurting or needed support. But she went with the play it cool strategy even though she wanted to see him again very badly. And he played it cool too -he didn't respond. Maybe he was offended -maybe he felt dismissed as "thanks for the laughs". Who knows.

 

I had some odd guys reach out to me after a first meet insisting I explain why I didn't want to see them again -they wanted the blunt truth, a critique. I responded to those two men and I was straight up. In one case he responded and disagreed, then wrote back a few months later to say I'd been right and to explain why. The other wrote back over a year later and said my critique changed his dating life and his outlook. IN both cases I put their sincere request for input ahead of my discomfort because both men seemed harmless and in both cases we ran in similar social circles and likely would have run across each other again. But if the balance had been the other way and they'd been not only odd but in a potentially harmful way I would not have responded. I always made that decision about my potential safety in responding with a polite no or silence. I never felt offended at not hearing from a man after only a few dates -because the silence was my answer. And sometimes we'd kissed and/or shared intimate conversations - and how in the world is that valued any less than intercourse with a near stranger. So, no I don't agree and I certainly don't agree with your judgment of my views.

 

(And yes I still think casual sex can work great for two consenting single adults despite my not choosing to partake -what other single consenting adults choose sexually doesn't concern me).

[figureitout23]

Bat, I was in the middle of responding to you, it was very detailed and I went over every paragraph and halfway through my phone cut off. Obviously I am not about to retype everything, but I will try to summarize my points.

 

First off. I think when phrases like risky behavior that's not good for you and equating casual sex to drug use happens, there's judgement there, like I said, it's subtle, but it's there. That's neither here nor there because at the end of the day it's simply my opinion and like a**holes, everyone's got one and it's unlikely to change. It was mainly stated as an observation.

 

I do believe you value sex, but for whatever reason you place early sex on the same level as a handshake. You, for whatever reason, view a 15 minute first meet where you buy one another drinks, the same as a first date where you exchange bodily fluids and to me they aren't on the same level.

 

Me personally, if I'm on a first date, meet whatever. And I know I have no intention of seeing a guy again, I can't even let him pay for what I've eaten! Lol. Why would I think it's perfectly fine to go on a first date, meet whatever and know I have no intention of seeing a guy again, take him home sleep with him and then ignore him.

 

Again, morally, I think it's wrong. And I think sexual intercourse holds a whole lot more weight than baby back ribs.

 

To me the two aren't equal, one holds more weight than the other and a woman can take responsibility for herself while also believing it's sh*tty behavior.

[katrina1980]

Bat, I was in the middle of responding to you, it was very detailed and I went over every paragraph and halfway through my phone cut off. Obviously I am not about to retype everything, but I will try to summarize my points.

 

First off. I think when phrases like risky behavior that's not good for you and equating casual sex to drug use happens, there's judgement there, like I said, it's subtle, but it's there. That's neither here nor there because at the end of the day it's simply my opinion and like a**holes, everyone's got one and it's unlikely to change. It was mainly stated as an observation.

 

I do believe you value sex, but for whatever reason you place early sex on the same level as a handshake. You, for whatever reason, view a 15 minute first meet where you buy one another drinks, the same as a first date where you exchange bodily fluids and to me they aren't on the same level.

 

Me personally, if I'm on a first date, meet whatever. And I know I have no intention of seeing a guy again, I can't even let him pay for what I've eaten! Lol. Why would I think it's perfectly fine to go on a first date, meet whatever and know I have no intention of seeing a guy again, take him home sleep with him and then ignore him.

 

Again, morally, I think it's wrong. And I think sexual intercourse holds a whole lot more weight than baby back ribs.

 

To me the two aren't equal, one holds more weight than the other and a woman can take responsibility for herself while also believing it's sh*tty behavior.

 

I wasn't gonna respond to this thread anymore, but girl this post is so spot on, my sentiments exactly! Which everyone knows already , but just wanted to call out the great post!

 

And yeah, how anyone could equate a 15 minute coffee meet to an actual "connection" being made, physical and yes emotional unless they're a robot, is beyond my realm of comprehension.

 

Even if that connection was for just that one night.

 

That is why I feel so strongly about this. The way he handled this was cold and cowardly, there is no denying that.

 

He is ignoring her and her "invite" (which it was no matter how casual and HE knows it) because he felt "awkward"?

 

Since when is sending a five second text acknowledging her text and invite considered awkward?

 

There is nothing "awkward" about that, it's called being a respectful human being toward someone you made a connection with, no matter how briefly.

 

Simply telling them while you enjoyed meeting and had a great time, you don't wish to take it further and wish them well.

 

He took the coward's way out (for his own self-serving purposes) and frankly I find that unconscionsble.

 

I would never treat someone I had been sexually intimate and made a connection with that way, hell even if no sex was involved I wouldn't treat anyone that way!

 

After a date, first meet, a man reaches out, expresses interest in seeing me again, I am gonna respond! Even if only to acknowledge his text and invite, politely decline and wish him well.

 

As I've been asking throughout, since when did it become okay and acceptable to just ignore people? I've been around awhile, and I never learned this.

 

**I don't even think that those who "do" choose to ignore/ghost think it's okay and acceptable!

 

Unless he is some sort of sociopath without a conscience he *knows* he should respond back; he's just a coward who'd rather not be bothered.

 

Sad.

[Batya33]

Nothing of what you both wrote in substance has to do with what I wrote so I'll leave it at that. I've explained my views but what you wrote do not respond to my views. Perhaps I wasn't clear but I tried my best.

[katrina1980]

Nothing of what you both wrote in substance has to do with what I wrote so I'll leave it at that. I've explained my views but what you wrote do not respond to my views. Perhaps I wasn't clear but I tried my best.

 

I wasn't referring to anything you wrote Batya; I was referring to the OP's date, the subject of this thread.

 

But yeah we've all said our piece the best we could; at this point were just repeating ourselves (myself included) so bowing out and wish OP the best.

[Wiseman2]

OP left the building 04-29-2018, post #52

[Batya33]

I wasn't referring to anything you wrote Batya; I was referring to the OP's date, the subject of this thread.

 

But yeah we've all said our piece the best we could; at this point were just repeating ourselves (myself included) so bowing out and wish OP the best.

 

Figureitout wrote a response to me and you responded to her -sorry if I misinterpreted your intent. I agree with Wiseman. I also wish the OP the best - great reminder ;-)

[SherrySher]

I personally don't see why on earth anyone would let a stranger into bed with them based on barely anything. A connection for one night? Seriously? That's not much better than a hooker.

Meh...whatever, like some have said, to each their own.

But I personally think that if people would just control themselves and get to know the person quite well and establish an actual relationship(which takes time and many dates) before exchanging bodily fluids there would be far less posts like this one.

 

It's a pretty simple concept.

[SherrySher]

@ Wiseman...lol....no kidding, OP has left long ago. That made me chuckle.

[reinventmyself]

I personally don't see why on earth anyone would let a stranger into bed with them based on barely anything. A connection for one night? Seriously? That's not much better than a hooker.

Meh...whatever, like some have said, to each their own.

But I personally think that if people would just control themselves and get to know the person quite well and establish an actual relationship(which takes time and many dates) before exchanging bodily fluids there would be far less posts like this one.

 

It's a pretty simple concept.

I'm with you but to each his own, I suppose.

I don't want to swap spit w someone I don't know well enough, let alone other bodily fluids.

. . Can't imagine

[Larkin]

Irrespective of the sex, it was cowardly and rude of the guy not to respond. Bad form, imo.

[SherrySher]

True enough, but you can't give strangers the power to do these things to you by letting them in your bed. That's basically what I am saying.

[katrina1980]

Actually, yeah I do think it's very possible to "connect" with someone that first night.

 

As I've posted many times, my long term ex and I connected the first night we met, big time! We had sex that night and were together six years, including getting engaged, but I ended it for reasons other than what's being discussed on this thread.

 

This was many years ago. Today, when I meet a man, we click, connect, I will wait to have sex until I know him better.

 

Not judging others who choose to go that route though, and in the OP's case, she felt a connection, wanted to have sex, and did.

 

No games, no bullshyt she did what she wanted, what she felt was right for her at the time, so did he!

 

And there is no doubt she had every intention of seeing him again, dating, perhaps even developing a relationship, or hoping to - based on how well they were getting on - unfortunately he turned out to not feel the same, or changed his mind, and chose to ghost.

 

She took a risk; it didn't work out.

 

I'm with you but to each his own, I suppose.

I don't want to swap spit w someone I don't know well enough, let alone other bodily fluids.

. . Can't imagine

 

Is this how you describe sexually intimacy/relations between two people (no matter how early it happens), swapping spit?

 

Good lord, I need a break from this forum.

 

Ciao everyone.

[itsallgrand]

I have to admit the level of indignation over him not responding still has me scratching my head. I like to try and see from another's point of view, yet this one is tricky.

 

I think life experiences may colour things too. I had friends who had some truly horrible experiences; much worse than a casual sex situation where the man did not call back. One friend of mine had brought a man she had met that night home, they had sex, he spent the night, and when she woke up he was gone and her tires of her car were slashed. So he had a knife on him while in her home.

As one example ( unfortunately I know too many more).

 

So yes, I see it differently. Casual sex is risky.

[HeartGoesOn]

^

I, 100% agree with IAG.

 

I'll never understand why someone would risk sleeping with a stranger, especially in this day and age.

[reinventmyself]

 

 

 

Is this how you describe sexually intimacy/relations between two people (no matter how early it happens), swapping spit?

 

Good lord, I need a break from this forum.

 

Ciao everyone.

Figure of speech, K.

Besides I personally don't believe you reach that level of intimacy you refer to after spending one evening with someone.

Chemistry, yes. Connection, maybe but intimacy is not easily come by.

So, to me it's just sex.

And that's ok. Just not for me.

 

Again. . I'm being dramatic to make a point. But yah, the fluid thing does cross my mind about being physical with a stranger. Because that's what they are. (To me)

 

I will add that you often get very personally passionate about this subject. Not sure why you need to defend it. Everyone beats to their own drum and that's the beauty of it all.

[figureitout23]

Figure of speech, K.

Besides I personally don't believe you reach that level of intimacy you refer to after spending one evening with someone.

Chemistry, yes. Connection, maybe but intimacy is not easily come by.

So, to me it's just sex.

And that's ok. Just not for me.

 

Again. . I'm being dramatic to make a point. But yah, the fluid thing does cross my mind about being physical with a stranger. Because that's what they are. (To me)

 

I will add that you often get very passionate about this subject. Not sure why you need to defend it. Everyone beats to their own drum and that's the beauty of it all.

 

Everyone beats to their own drum, that is absolutely true. The poster asked for advice, not judgement, not to be told, "oh my gawd, I would NEVER do that' and for people to make comparisons to Ted Bundy and drug use. Y'all are the ones being extra right now. Thank goodness the poster left the post.

 

Btw,I've never had sex on a first date. Don't quote me but I don't think I've even kissed on a first date. But I can look past that and think to myself, 'it's pretty messed up to disappear after sleeping with someone'.

 

That's what previous posters and myself and I believe Katrina are trying to say,

 

Like I said earlier, morally. I can't even let a guy pay for my nachos if I'm not feeling it, much less sleep with him.

 

Is what he did illegal? No, of course not, but I wouldn't date a dude if I knew he did things like that.

 

Should the poster allow that to knock her down or to feel like a victim, absolutely not, but it's ok to say, 'hey what he did was pretty messed up'

 

That's all we're(?) saying.

[katrina1980]

I have to admit the level of indignation over him not responding still has me scratching my head. I like to try and see from another's point of view, yet this one is tricky.

 

I think life experiences may colour things too. I had friends who had some truly horrible experiences; much worse than a casual sex situation where the man did not call back. One friend of mine had brought a man she had met that night home, they had sex, he spent the night, and when she woke up he was gone and her tires of her car were slashed. So he had a knife on him while in her home.

As one example ( unfortunately I know too many more).

 

So yes, I see it differently. Casual sex is risky.

 

All sex is risky, no matter when it happens. Dating is risky, relationships are risky, life is risky!

 

Know a girl who dated her boyfriend *two months* before having sex and *he* disappeared afterwards! And have read many posts from women (and men) wherein the same thing happened,

 

Never any guarantees about these things, it's really all a crap shoot at the end of the day.

 

And speaking of scratching your head, the level of ghosting and ignoring texts/invites that goes on these days has me scratching my head. As I said earlier, been around awhile, never got that memo.

 

So for me, it's more a matter of principle, we treat others how we ourselves wish to be treated.

 

If you or others wouldn't have a problem with being ignored/ghosted after reaching out after sex, more power to ya.

 

Again, just me I just think it's rude, period, let alone after sex. I wasn't raised that way.

 

That said, I have been ghosted and ignored, not after sex, but after many dates and "connecting," sure I was disappointed/hurt but I rose above, and carried on.

 

Which it appears the OP has done as well, good for her!

 

@reinvent, I respect you so much so thanks for clarifying, fair enough.

 

Ciao. :)

[figureitout23]

Can't give you kudos, but well said Kat.

[HeartGoesOn]

Let's keep it civil, and stay on topic, please...

[katrina1980]

Can't give you kudos, but well said Kat.

 

Thnx figureit, tried to give you kudos too, but couldn't either!

 

Anyway, you know what's funny or could be funny? Interesting funny.

 

The OP coming back telling us he contacted her, apologized for going MIA, but felt a bit overwhelmed and needed to process what happened and where he wants things to go.

 

Stranger things have happened and actually not all that uncommon, when two people first meet, really click and sex happens fast like that.

 

Kinda throws people off their guards ......**sometimes.**

 

I dunno, I suppose I'm the eternal optimist or extremely idealistic, but nothing surprises me anymore.

 

Life is so full of twists and turns and different/changing nuances, unless someone dies that proverbial door is always open.

[reinventmyself]

 

Should the poster allow that to knock her down or to feel like a victim, absolutely not, but it's ok to say, 'hey what he did was pretty messed up'

 

That's all we're(?) saying.

 

Absolutely.

And given the way he handled it, instead of allowing it to rock her, I hope she shakes it off and realizes it has everything to do with him and nothing to do with defining her worth.

@Katrina. . ((Hugs. . Always))