Are boundaries old fashioned?

[SlothnPasta]

I have been thinking a lot about this lately. It seems that people around my age think boundaries are old fashion and equate that to being controlling. I've noticed it especially with people who are in newer relationships. But when talking to people who have dated for more than two years, or just people above 30, it seems it's understood that it is healthy to have certain boundaries.

 

What's your opinion and where do YOU draw the line?

 

For example, in my relationship we keep in contact with each other when at least one of us goes out. We like this boundary.

 

An example seen in movies (and not in my relationship) is not allowing your partner to hang out with the opposite sex. I am just sharing this to show the difference between what -> I

 

I know this seems like I'm not asking for advice but your answers and opinions will help me expand my thoughts on this subject. I find it really important to know a lot of different perspectives. I know some people accept the idea that their partner shouldn't hang out with the opposite sex! I will probably apply some of the thoughts in my relationship.

[DanZee]

Uh, your question is a bit fuzzy. Millennials tend to hang out in groups and even hang out in groups when they're dating. That's the way they grew up. After school, everyone would go over to somebody's home and play video games, watch movies, and just hang out. When they get to college, they continue to hang out in dorms and activities rooms the same way. After college, they continue to hang out in groups for as long as possible, and they get jobs that allow them to hang out with coworkers.

 

So I think that's what you're seeing. Guys and girls have a bunch of guys and girls for friends and quite often they date within that group as well. The Millennials also seem to share cell phone passwords and Instagram logins and read each other's messages. So I guess I'm agreeing with you that boundaries among this group is old fashioned.

 

Now, there are still boyfriends and girlfriends who go crazy if they see on their bf/gf's phone that they were talking to another guy or girl, so jealousy hasn't disappeared. But it does seem that things are more out in the open than they were with the Baby Boomers and Generation X-Y. And the Millennials do hang out in groups versus the solitary couples existence as with Boomers.

[Seraphim]

Any relationship wether it is with parents, friends or lovers that don’t have boundaries are almost always a complete disaster.

[Wiseman2]

Boundaries vary and are an agreement unique to the people involved. You don't have to keep in step with the crowd or argue with anyone about it as long as you and your bf are happy with it.

not in my relationship, is not allowing your partner to hang out with the opposite sex.

[Jibralta]

Wow, Danzee's post educated me about millennials.

 

I have been thinking a lot about this lately. It seems that people around my age think boundaries are old fashion and equate that to being controlling. I've noticed it especially with people who are in newer relationships. But when talking to people who have dated for more than two years, or just people above 30, it seems it's understood that it is healthy to have certain boundaries.

 

Boundaries exist and are necessary because every person needs to set rules for the way that other people behave towards them. It helps us to feel comfortable, respected, and safe. Exactly what those rules (boundaries) are might change from generation to generation, or even for the same person within one lifetime. Your boundaries might not work for me, gen-Xers' boundaries might not work for baby boomers or millennials. But that is because the culture changes over time, not human nature.

[Seraphim]

Wow, Danzee's post educated me about millennials.

 

 

 

Boundaries might change from generation to generation, but they still exist and are necessary because every person needs to identify reasonable and safe ways for other people to behave towards them.

Absolutely. I don’t think teaching people how to treat us has become old fashioned. Because if you don’t people will treat you any old way they feel like . And that is true in any generation . I don’t think respect goes out of fashion .

[Jibralta]

Absolutely. I don’t think teaching people how to treat us has become old fashioned. Because if you don’t people will treat you any old way they feel like . And that is true in any generation . I don’t think respect goes out of fashion .

 

Oops, I rephrased my post a little, but same general idea. I agree, respect remains important no matter what else changes.

[thealchemist]

Millennials are now a larger population than baby boomers.

 

My wife and I are Millennials and we have boundaries.

 

We just don't care to have traditional boundaries for the sake of tradition.

 

We pick and choose as we see fit.

[Seraphim]

Oops, I rephrased my post a little, but same general idea. I agree, respect remains important no matter what else changes.

 

I agree culture may change a bit. Human nature stays the same . And given the chance without rules and respect people will take advantage of you guaranteed. Because given the nature of human beings if they’re given an inch they’ll take a mile . Living with other human beings requires rules it’s just plain and simple what those rules are depend upon the people.

[Batya33]

I agree culture may change a bit. Human nature stays the same . And given the chance without rules and respect people will take advantage of you guaranteed. Because given the nature of human beings if they’re given an inch they’ll take a mile . Living with other human beings requires rules it’s just plain and simple what those rules are depend upon the people.

 

I agree and your "boundaries" term is way too broad to respond in a meaningful way. What particular boundaries are you referring to in a romantic relationship and why should it matter what works for an individual couple? I am in my early 50s, married for 9 years and dated for two decades plus on and off prior to that. Some boundaries might be more old fashioned -like requiring the guy to stand every time his date leaves the dinner table to use the restroom or for whatever, or a woman not being allowed to be seen in public wearing a bathing suit.

 

Be a little more specific -otherwise it gives the impression you're just wanting no boundaries and I doubt that's true - I know millenials who are married and engaged where they are monogamous -that's a boundary -is that a boundary that's old fashioned, for example?

[RedDress]

I’m not an overly jealous person, so I don’t have a lot of “boundaries” in my relationship in the way that you speak (ie: “rules”). I don’t forbid my partner from hanging out with the opposite sex or require them to text me when they go out.

 

No amount of “rules”, in my opinion, will keep a person from straying if they want to stray. Yes, to me it comes across as controlling.

 

Instead, I use what I feel is common sense? Or just feelings?

 

To me, “friendship” behavior is kind of gender-neutral. If you think about how two heterosexual males typically interact or even how you interact with most of your girl friends or family, it follows a certain pattern. Sure, you text. Maybe a text every couple of days about something specific that you were talking about or a funny joke or maybe texts to make plans. It’s not constant or flirty or secretive or intimate. You don’t kiss or cuddle or flirt with your friends (or at least I don’t). Sure, you may go to lunch or grab a drink after work (but then usually you are home early or it only happens once every couple of months or because of a specific event - it’s not a weekly thing).

 

Personally, I think you just kind of “know” when something starts crossing a line into inappropriate territory. If you wouldn’t do those same things with someone of the same sex (so you are interacting with them as a man/woman, not just a friend), if things stray from what I would consider “normal” friendship behavior, if it’s new very close behavior with a new person of the opposite sex (not someone they’ve known for 20 years and it’s always been that way) - that’s when I will throw down a boundary about that specific behavior with that specific person.

 

Personally, I don’t like being governed by blanket “rules” due to what I perceive is a lack of trust. Trustworthy people behave in trustworthy ways. I guess I trust myself to know when something feels shady (in which case it usually is) and I trust my partner not to act in shady ways.

 

I do think I have boundaries... but maybe they are just more fluid to the situation at hand as opposed to rigid rules.

[Snny]

I work with kids, and even I have clear boundaries with them. What behaviors are ok or inappropriate. It's an effective leadership skill to maintain and enforce them.

 

My boundaries of my marriage reflect our values. If we didn't have boundaries, then we don't have a relationship. Being controlling is very different because you are resorting to oppression.

[Batya33]

I don't understand why the discussion immediately goes to "jealousy" or trying to restrict a partner from living his/her life -it's interesting that it goes there.

 

I had to assert a boundary with someone from a Facebook group last week and will have to do so again most likely. She acted in a way I felt was pushy and unappreciative. I would do the same with a romantic partner. I don't think it's age dependent or a question of "old fashioned".

[thealchemist]

People who think boundaries are to ensure the protection of jealous spouses don't even understand the intent of boundaries.

 

You never forbid your spouse to do anything...

 

It is just a clear and obvious place of what is ok or not ok in the eyes of the members of the relationship.

 

If you choose to act in ways your spouse thinks is inappropriate don't be surprised if there are repercussions

 

People who use boundaries to control their spouse also don't understand their purpose.

[Batya33]

People who think boundaries are to ensure the protection of jealous spouses don't even understand the intent of boundaries.

 

You never forbid your spouse to do anything...

 

It is just a clear and obvious place of what is ok or not ok in the eyes of the members of the relationship.

 

People who use boundaries to control their spouse also don't understand their purpose.

 

I agree- I think it's essential to discuss monogamy because of STDs for example and then discuss individual situations as they arise. When my husband and I were dating three months, a male friend wanted to meet me for drinks for an hour alone before meeting up with my husband so that they could meet. My husband was uncomfortable and found it disrespectful and I thought it was fine that he wanted to discuss personal matters that he didn't feel comfortable discussing in front of someone he just met. I saw my husband's side of it even though I didn't 100% agree and explained it to the friend. As it turned out my friend then bent over backwards to make sure my husband was comfortable and was very friendly to my husband when they met. My husband and I both have platonic friends of the opposite gender and we have basically our whole lives so that wasn't the issue -it was the timing/context. You have to be comfortable discussing boundaries as these situations arise -they often do.

[j.man]

Boundaries themselves aren't controlling. Trying to impose yours on others is. There isn't a single thing I can tell my partner she can't do. I also don't "allow" her to do anything. Even if it's semantics, it does always raise an alarm in my head when people express such a sentiment.

Ultimately, if my partner were to tell me, whether through words or actions, that her boundaries fundamentally differ from my own, it'd be on me to take or leave.

[Pleasedonot5]

To echo others, you can never forbid your partner to do anything. However, if they cross your boundary, you can be upset and/or leave. Some of my main boundaries are:

 

1. Please do not hang out alone or drink with someone with whom you've had romantic or physical history... a coffee meetup or hanging out while I'm there is fine.

2. Please do not flirt with others while in a group setting with me.

3. Please allow me ample privacy. Going through my things is a no-no. Bring concerns to me directly.

4. Your social media accounts are not your diary. Keep our dirty laundry between us.

 

Obviously a non-exhaustive list. Just some things that come to mind. Definitely do not think of those as controlling.

[thealchemist]

To echo others, you can never forbid your partner to do anything. However, if they cross your boundary, you can be upset and/or leave. Some of my main boundaries are:

 

1. Please do not hang out alone or drink with someone with whom you've had romantic or physical history... a coffee meetup or hanging out while I'm there is fine.

2. Please do not flirt with others while in a group setting with me.

3. Please allow me ample privacy. Going through my things is a no-no. Bring concerns to me directly.

4. Your social media accounts are not your diary. Keep our dirty laundry between us.

 

Obviously a non-exhaustive list. Just some things that come to mind. Definitely do not think of those as controlling.

Good set of boundaries.

 

A genetic outline for me as well.

[figureitout23]

I don't have anything to add, I think everyone gave great responses. I also agree the question is broad. Boundaries are an everyday thing. We all have our own personal boundaries whether we recognize it or not. If you're not ok with something, if you won't do something whether it's relationship,

friends or work that, to me

, is a boundary.

[Unreasonable]

My line is, if me and my wife did something, and would call it a "date," then you shouldn't do it with someone else of the opposite sex. Period.

 

Also, we tend to use private messaging with the opposite sex solely for logisitical purposes. That probably would be considered too tight a boundary for a lot of couples, and probably wouldn't be my "default" if I was with someone new, but the general track record for that in our relationship is pretty terrible. So there it is.

 

And, obviously, unless you have explicitly and mutually declared your relationship open, no making out and having sex and emotional affairs.

[Jibralta]

People who think boundaries are to ensure the protection of jealous spouses don't even understand the intent of boundaries.

 

You never forbid your spouse to do anything...

 

It is just a clear and obvious place of what is ok or not ok in the eyes of the members of the relationship.

 

If you choose to act in ways your spouse thinks is inappropriate don't be surprised if there are repercussions

 

People who use boundaries to control their spouse also don't understand their purpose.

 

Agree. They aren’t rules that you impose on other people and they have nothing to do with jealousy.

[Seraphim]

Exactly, my boundaries have nothing to do with jealousy and everything to do with respect and how you treat me.

[indea08]

I'm a millennial and yes, I believe in boundaries. I wish I'd had more boundaries when I was dating, but now that I'm married, we absolutely have boundaries. Here are some examples for you:

 

-strip clubs are fine, lap dances are not

-guys/ladies night out is fine, drinking and driving is not

-opposite sex friends are fine, hanging out with them 1:1 is fine once the other partner has met them and they act appropriately. My husband has maybe 4-5 female friends, three of them I love and would be fine with them having lunch with him or something like that without me. The other two did not care to really know me, made sure to tell me all about how they grew up together and slept at each other's houses, blah blah blah. He's nice to them in passing but that's it, and I want nothing to do with them.

-porn is fine

 

I can't think of any more off the top of my head. I guess everyone's comfort levels are different. As long as your boundaries match your partner's, or one of you is willing to compromise, then it's no issue.

[Sportster2005]

I have been thinking a lot about this lately. It seems that people around my age think boundaries are old fashion and equate that to being controlling. I've noticed it especially with people who are in newer relationships. But when talking to people who have dated for more than two years, or just people above 30, it seems it's understood that it is healthy to have certain boundaries.

 

What's your opinion and where do YOU draw the line?

 

For example, in my relationship we keep in contact with each other when at least one of us goes out. We like this boundary.

 

An example seen in movies (and not in my relationship) is not allowing your partner to hang out with the opposite sex. I am just sharing this to show the difference between what -> I

 

I know this seems like I'm not asking for advice but your answers and opinions will help me expand my thoughts on this subject. I find it really important to know a lot of different perspectives. I know some people accept the idea that their partner shouldn't hang out with the opposite sex! I will probably apply some of the thoughts in my relationship.

 

How often you communicate isn't a boundary. It's an agreed upon rule. A boundary is something you don't let someone cross. You set boundaries for yourself, not other people.

 

If you don't like to kiss on the first date, and you disallow it, that's a boundary. If you tell your partner not to hang out with the opposite sex, that's a rule. A good relationship needs agreed upon rules. A successful person needs good boundaries to thrive.

[thealchemist]

How often you communicate isn't a boundary. It's an agreed upon rule. A boundary is something you don't let someone cross. You set boundaries for yourself, not other people.

 

If you don't like to kiss on the first date, and you disallow it, that's a boundary. If you tell your partner not to hang out with the opposite sex, that's a rule. A good relationship needs agreed upon rules. A successful person needs good boundaries to thrive.

You absolutely need to set boundaries for others in their interactions with you.

 

Boundaries are what you consider acceptable interactions or not.

 

Mutual boundaries are how relationships are built, romantic or not.

 

My wife and I have boundaries to not sleep with other people. She knows that bound, and if she crosses it she knows the consequences. That was an established boundary for both of us by both of us.

 

You set boundaries for yourself and how people interact with you. Not just your actions.