greta96 Posted February 2, 2018 Author Share Posted February 2, 2018 She never said he neglects her needs. He is texting, calling etc but he can't stand the "should haves". I don't see any problem. Yes, that's exactly it. Left alone, he is pretty attentive, no complaints. He will never be all that expressive or anything, but after so many years I'm used to it. It's just that I'm the type who likes to be reassured repeatedly every once in a blue moon, and I think I finished my quota for this month lol... What do you think, just a quick mention of "hey I looked up the definition of quasi relationships and yuck, I would never want to be in one" be ok? No mention of us, or labels, or the relationship, just a quick verbal note that I would never like to be in such an arrangement. Would that be enough and less annoying? Link to comment
dias Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Yes, that's exactly it. Left alone, he is pretty attentive, no complaints. He will never be all that expressive or anything, but after so many years I'm used to it. It's just that I'm the type who likes to be reassured repeatedly every once in a blue moon, and I think I finished my quota for this month lol... What do you think, just a quick mention of "hey I looked up the definition of quasi relationships and yuck, I would never want to be in one" be ok? No mention of us, or labels, or the relationship, just a quick verbal note that I would never like to be in such an arrangement. Would that be enough and less annoying? Well, I am not him haha. I can only tell you that if you mention it just pick a moment he is in a good mood :) and of course use the right tone :) Link to comment
greta96 Posted February 2, 2018 Author Share Posted February 2, 2018 Well, I am not him haha. I can only tell you that if you mention it just pick a moment he is in a good mood :) and of course use the right tone :) ...and preferably get him a bit buzzed beforehand lmao!!! (ok it's only a half joke, I am really considering it) Link to comment
j.man Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 So what's the end game? Fact is he could be monogamous and content with whatever you two have going on right now. Plenty of people are fine with "Mr./Mrs. Right-for-Now." If there's no intent to progress or, more to the point, he's not a fan of a commitment like that, that's for you to take into consideration. Fact is he can't "neglect" your needs. You're an independent and capable adult, and the only way your needs get neglected is if you neglect them by staying in a situation that doesn't fulfill them, whether we're talking present needs or those of the future. But, as someone else mentioned, if it works for you, it works for you. I've had women in my life who I wouldn't mind called me up for an odd date or hookup. At the same time, I've never been at someone's beck and call. If I'm available, I'm available. If I'm not, I'm not. I don't think it's intrinsically lopsided so long as you make sure it's at your own convenience just as well. Still, I'm not sure I'd agree to exclusivity under such an arrangement. Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Bottom line - If he can't be bothered to call you his girlfriend (if you can't date others, that's what you are) - then move on girlfriend! Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Are you honestly OK with being in this "quasi-relationship"? Because you say you are, yet you are anxious about the situation (or you wouldn't need "reassurance"). Only you can know for sure what the real truth is. If you're fine with things the way they are, why bother saying anything or asking for reassurance? Personally, if I have to tiptoe around a guy trying to make sure I don't say or do anything that might turn him off, I'm outta there. Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Lack of exclusivity allows you to either believe in the delusion that things don't have to be serious, or the delusion that things are about to get serious,” she said. In other words, the casual hookup often involves a lack of real communication. That's what I read, when I looked it up. I think delusional is the key word here. Link to comment
Cope Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 But we already know that his has indeed commitment issues and this is something that it is not going to change. I assume the guy is not 20 years old, his personality is already molded. It's an aspect of his character that you take it as a given or you do not proceed. For what it's worth, I think that you make him more nervous with labels. Agreed, he will get nervous, but the thing is that Greta wants a commitment and he apparently doesn't, this is something they need to address. I agree that she's not going to change his attitude, but they need to talk about it or get out.If they don't Greta will most likely be dumped in the near future and will regret not having the talk earlier. This is not just about him, apparently, they want different things. He does tell me he is monogamous, and there is nobody else in his life. And I believe it. As I said above, you need a commitment from him and he doesn't seem very keen to giving you one. You really should talk about it. If you can't, that's just another sign that you are not compatible or that you just follow his needs and disregard yours. Don't do that. You are not only holding you back but you are basically training others to treat you in the same way. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 I personally would not be engaging in an emotional and physical intimate relationship with someone who would refer to me as 'quasi' I don't get hung up on titles either but I do need to know we are indeed monogamous at the point and time. But having asked for reassurance and having gotten that response in return, I'd be dialing it back. Him throwing out the quasi term says to me he's letting you know he's keeping his options open. Which is totally his right. But I'd prefer that he kept his pants on too for that matter. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=543519 https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=539778 https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=539397 https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=535120 I am almost afraid to ask: are we talking about the same man from these threads? Link to comment
greta96 Posted February 2, 2018 Author Share Posted February 2, 2018 Are you honestly OK with being in this "quasi-relationship"? Because you say you are, yet you are anxious about the situation (or you wouldn't need "reassurance"). Only you can know for sure what the real truth is. If you're fine with things the way they are, why bother saying anything or asking for reassurance? Personally, if I have to tiptoe around a guy trying to make sure I don't say or do anything that might turn him off, I'm outta there. I'm ok with it, as long as I know he is being sincere about not seeing other people. My worry stems from the fact that I don't know if I should trust that he isn't (despite what he repeatedly tells me). I am currently tiptoeing because I have already brought it up twice very recently, we had whole conversations on the subject, and I was pleased with the outcome of these conversations. But then he drops the quasi relationship thing and once again I feel like having that conversation for the third time within 10 days, which I do realize is a bit much for anyone, let alone someone like him. He will probably look at me like a mad woman and say "but I thought we settled it" lol... Link to comment
greta96 Posted February 2, 2018 Author Share Posted February 2, 2018 I personally would not be engaging in an emotional and physical intimate relationship with someone who would refer to me as 'quasi' I don't get hung up on titles either but I do need to know we are indeed monogamous at the point and time. But having asked for reassurance and having gotten that response in return, I'd be dialing it back. Him throwing out the quasi term says to me he's letting you know he's keeping his options open. Which is totally his right. But I'd prefer that he kept his pants on too for that matter. I may not have expressed myself correctly, but he didn't tell me directly that we are in a quasi relationship. When asked what we are, he does say we are in a relationship. The quasi came up in a conversation about boundaries in general, and he said they should apply to any relationship or quasi relationship. In my head, right away I thought he was talking about us, because he called us "non traditional" before, but when I asked if that was the case he said no, he wasn't talking about us, just in general. Which I don't really buy, because why would anyone bring up that particular word in a general conversation about relationships? Then again, it may be all in my head. But he has told me repeatedly that he is not seeing anyone else, sexually or otherwise, that I am the only one. Just me having trouble believing, I guess. Link to comment
greta96 Posted February 2, 2018 Author Share Posted February 2, 2018 https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=543519 https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=539778 https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=539397 https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=535120 I am almost afraid to ask: are we talking about the same man from these threads? I'm afraid it is, well minus one of the threads lol. The thing is, it all started as a disaster, then every time we reconnected it somehow got better, then we broke up again, I dated others, we reconnected, was even better, lather rinse repeat, until these days we reached a pretty comfortable point where there are no more major issues, he has learned to be more open and understanding and mellowed out, while I got to be less paranoid and more indifferent, so overall things are better than they've ever been but I still have trust issues, possibly because of our shaky past. I also found out that some of the things I thought were lies were actually the truth, so I had jumped the gun there a few times, based on my own trust issues. While he's improved a lot, he will never be the guy who wears his heart up his sleeve. He is trying to listen more and reassure me more, but when he drops little words here and there, it gets me back to questioning everything. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 I don't see how this has to do with superficial labels or titles. It has to do with the deeper issue of whether you two are on the same page about what your relationship means to you -and doesn't mean -and what the potential is for the future, if any. And if you two are compatible and on the same wavelength about your intentions. Being boyfriend/girlfriend or exclusive or partners is technically a "title" but that's a technicality -dismissing it as just a label so you can settle for scraps makes little sense IMO. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Yes, he is... for some odd reason, no matter how turbulent our interactions have been, we've always managed to find our way back together, and things have improved every time. Greta, a big part of you 'managing to find your way back together' was you putting your life on hold for him: There was never one day, over the 6 years we were apart, where I didn't think about him. Not one day, including those years where I didn't even see him at all! I chucked it up to having a weird connection to him (a past life sort of thing), and stopped questioning it, I just knew I missed him, was not interested in ever dating anyone else, and had made peace with the idea that I was going to be single and sexless forever. It didn't even bother me. Just a few short months ago, you were miserable over this man. I think this whole epic ordeal that you've been going through, your tenacious devotion to an absentee man, is the definition of "quasi-relationship." If you are happy this way, fine. But if you're not happy, you really ought to walk away once and for all. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 I'm afraid it is, well minus one of the threads lol. The thing is, it all started as a disaster, then every time we reconnected it somehow got better, then we broke up again, I dated others, we reconnected, was even better, lather rinse repeat, until these days we reached a pretty comfortable point where there are no more major issues, he has learned to be more open and understanding and mellowed out, while I got to be less paranoid and more indifferent, so overall things are better than they've ever been but I still have trust issues, possibly because of our shaky past. I also found out that some of the things I thought were lies were actually the truth, so I had jumped the gun there a few times, based on my own trust issues. While he's improved a lot, he will never be the guy who wears his heart up his sleeve. He is trying to listen more and reassure me more, but when he drops little words here and there, it gets me back to questioning everything. Since this is primarily the same guy from your other threads, then yes, you already know "quasi" has negative connotations. Why do you keep doing this to yourself and going back for more pain? Link to comment
greta96 Posted February 2, 2018 Author Share Posted February 2, 2018 Since this is primarily the same guy from your other threads, then yes, you already know "quasi" has negative connotations. Why do you keep doing this to yourself and going back for more pain? Oddly enough, the pain has subsided, and my feelings have cooled down. I no longer have him on a pedestal, nor do I think I cannot be happy without him. My feelings toward him have changed, so now I am able to have the relationship I always wanted with him because I know even if he leaves, life will go on. In fact, up until we decided to give things another try, I went on a few dates and I am still talking with someone else (I was honest though and told him I am attempting to work things out with an ex, so I can't meet for the time being). If it once again doesn't work out, I will be sad but nowhere near as sad as I used to be all those years. And I am now strong enough to cut it off if I believe even for a second that he is cheating or anything of the sort. This is why I would prefer to know exactly what we are, so I can make sound decisions. He is trying, he really is. I never thought this man would change to this degree. But of course he isn't perfect, neither am I, and my trust issues (stemming form my past with him, but with other men too) will always be there I'm afraid. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 What is this "trying?" Either he's in or he's out - this quasi one foot out the door thing is not "trying" it's just one foot out the door. Link to comment
greta96 Posted February 2, 2018 Author Share Posted February 2, 2018 What is this "trying?" Either he's in or he's out - this quasi one foot out the door thing is not "trying" it's just one foot out the door. He says he's in, and the quasi wasn't meant to describe our relationship, but I'm not so sure... I will have to clarify this, that's a given. Link to comment
yatsue Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 This is what I'm afraid of, but every time I touched the subject he said there is a relationship, and we are not free agents. So I'm confused! I suppose there's only one way to find out :s That's called being exclusive, but not in a relationship (I'm going based on your OP stating this is a quasi relationship). Meaning, sure we have a type of relationship, other than romantic, but I have no commitment to you other than not sleeping with others. If he or you clarifies you are in a committed, romantic relationship, and are bf/gf, then tadah! Otherwise, the lines are blurred and you are both still "free" in a sense, unless if you have discussed more specifics. Why did you ask about the quasi thing? Did he tell you this or is that what you think this is? Edit: Read some of your replies. If you're so worried about this guy cheating, then you have nothing to worry about because you have to be in a romantic, monogamous, bf/gf relationship in order to cheat...and this is not one of those from the looks of it. Until this becomes a label, unless you specify extremely specific boundaries to address all of your concerns you're afraid of, he can flirt with any other woman he wants, kiss them, have some 'fun' with them, drop you like a hat at any time, or more (who knows what his definition of not being a free agent means). He is very vague and it sounds like you cannot get on the same wavelength as him...because he doesn't want to with you. Girl, I would bust out of this thing because it's obvious this isn't what you want and will most definitely be hurt by him eventually. You've talked yourself into settling. Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 The whole thing is insulting. Now that's a given. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 After everything you've endured with this man, are you sure you're not just doing whatever you think you have to in order to "keep" him? And I wouldn't put much importance on his insistence on being exclusive. He may mean he just wants you available only to him. I have an ex like that...expects all "his" women to be faithful to him, but he's allowed to see whomever he wants. Also, just because he keeps turning back up in your life doesn't in itself indicate a deep abiding love. My ex would be happy to jump in and out of my life whenever he felt like it if I allowed it and believe me, he does NOT love me. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 He says he's in, and the quasi wasn't meant to describe our relationship, but I'm not so sure... I will have to clarify this, that's a given. And that tells me that you don't believe he is in or you wouldn't question it. Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 After everything you've endured with this man, are you sure you're not just doing whatever you think you have to in order to "keep" him? And I wouldn't put much importance on his insistence on being exclusive. He may mean he just wants you available only to him. I have an ex like that...expects all "his" women to be faithful to him, but he's allowed to see whomever he wants. She feels special at the moment because he's vowing not to sleep with anyone else, like that's so spectacular on his part. Link to comment
greta96 Posted February 3, 2018 Author Share Posted February 3, 2018 After everything you've endured with this man, are you sure you're not just doing whatever you think you have to in order to "keep" him? And I wouldn't put much importance on his insistence on being exclusive. He may mean he just wants you available only to him. I have an ex like that...expects all "his" women to be faithful to him, but he's allowed to see whomever he wants. Nah, I'm not really doing anything anymore. I don't put as much thought into it as i used to, and I am no longer bent on keeping him. I think this is the normal outcome when you go through too much cr@p and eventually you get tired and loosen the grip...but in my case, strangely enough, it seemed to work in my favor as now he is the one who is putting some effort into showing me that he cares (before, he wouldn't have). But yes, I am a bit worried that he may want me all to himself, especially since I made no secret that I had started talking to other guys, while he is not reciprocating. He swears up and down that he wouldn't dream of cheating and that if he was to become interested in someone else he'd tell me and we'd break up first, but now it's a combination of past events and my own demons that won't let me relax and believe. I have to say, he hasn't given me reasons to doubt him for a while. But I will probably never be able to trust him (or any man) 100%, this is just how I am. Link to comment
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