What does this mean?

[greta96]

What is the meaning of a "quasi relationship"?

Does it always have bad connotations?

[Wiseman2]

How does he feel about calling it exclusive FWB?

[greta96]

How does he feel about calling it exclusive FWB?

 

He says we are not FWB.

And to be honest, the "WB" happens once in a blue moon, we most just do outdoors activities like a regular couple.

[limichelle]

I think you need to ask what Quasi means? He needs to clarify his intentions.

[yatsue]

I saw one definition for quasi: "apparently, but not really", to spell it out. I translate that as you seem as if you're in a relationship, but there is no relationship and you two are free agents to do as you wish with other people. It's only bad if this definition isn't what you want, which I'll take a stab and say this is your view.

[Wiseman2]

Can you accept being very good friends?

He says we are not FWB. And to be honest, the "WB" happens once in a blue moon

[greta96]

Can you accept being very good friends?

 

Well no, because 1. we are intimate and 2. he said he would break up with me if he knew I was dating others (and I would do the same). I guess I will have to bite the bullet and have yet another one of those "fun" conversations lol.

[greta96]

I saw one definition for quasi: "apparently, but not really", to spell it out. I translate that as you seem as if you're in a relationship, but there is no relationship and you two are free agents to do as you wish with other people. It's only bad if this definition isn't what you want, which I'll take a stab and say this is your view.

 

This is what I'm afraid of, but every time I touched the subject he said there is a relationship, and we are not free agents. So I'm confused! I suppose there's only one way to find out :s

[Betterwithout]

I think he said quasi in place of the negative connotations and stigma some find with the term FWB.

 

Are you looking for more than "quasi" or are you content for the time being.

I think success rate of long term quasi or FWB relationships are limited at best

[greta96]

Also, since I obviously have to rehash the label once again, and I am fully aware men hate that with a passion (even I hate that type of conversations, but I'd rather know what I'm dealing with), how do you guys propose I approach it, considering we've just had 2 conversations in a row in the past 10 days about what we are?

Should I be like "hey, you know how you mentioned that word, I looked it up and I am not happy with what I read about it, is that how you see "us"?", or? What's the most gentle, non threatening way to approach the subject (again)?

[dias]

Is the title so valuable to you? I mean if you are ok with his actions (he doesn't date others etc) what's the big deal? Personally I wouldn't like this conversation. It's like you are trying to impose a title to the relationship. What would change if he tells you " ok we are in a monogamous relationship". If he wanted to cheat or date others he would have done it regardless of the “title”. Dunno… It’s admirable that you put your principles before your love for him (if I remember correctly you cut ties with him when he was seeing another woman) but don’t push the limits if it’s not necessary. You’ve been dealing with him 9 years as you say. That’s the best he can offer based on what you have written here at least. That’s my opinion though.

 

It seems that this guy is the love of your life.

[Cope]

I What would change if he tells you " ok we are in a monogamous relationship".

 

That's what I used to believe, that it doesn't make a difference, labels are labels. But. If someone can't even say "hey, I do consider this a serious relationship, monogamous etc" that shows me he has commitment issues. I mean if there is no difference, why not label it monogamous?

[DancingFool]

Also, since I obviously have to rehash the label once again, and I am fully aware men hate that with a passion (even I hate that type of conversations, but I'd rather know what I'm dealing with), how do you guys propose I approach it, considering we've just had 2 conversations in a row in the past 10 days about what we are?

Should I be like "hey, you know how you mentioned that word, I looked it up and I am not happy with what I read about it, is that how you see "us"?", or? What's the most gentle, non threatening way to approach the subject (again)?

 

When you stop telling yourself this myth, your dating life will become a whole lot easier and more clear. When a man wants to be in a relationship with you, he will have no problems letting you know that. Men are actually amazingly straightforward about that.

 

If you want to know the truth, then be straightforward and ask directly. He is a grown man, not a child who needs to be cajoled with kid gloves.

 

Personally, I think he has already told you all that you need to know. You are friends who share occasional benefits and he prefers not to sleep around and risk disease even when it's a casual deal. A pleasant convenient arrangement without the obligations of a full relationship. If this works for you, carry on. If you want more, then be honest and straightforward and tell him this bs isn't going to fly with you. Remember that you teach people how to treat you. If you want to tip toe around bs, you'll get bs'ed.

[dias]

That's what I used to believe, that it doesn't make a difference, labels are labels. But. If someone can't even say "hey, I do consider this a serious relationship, monogamous etc" that shows me he has commitment issues. I mean if there is no difference, why not label it monogamous?

 

But we already know that his has indeed commitment issues and this is something that it is not going to change. I assume the guy is not 20 years old, his personality is already molded. It's an aspect of his character that you take it as a given or you do not proceed. For what it's worth, I think that you make him more nervous with labels.

[Wiseman2]

Break up what, if he won't define it?

he said he would break up with me if he knew I was dating others

[greta96]

Is the title so valuable to you? I mean if you are ok with his actions (he doesn't date others etc) what's the big deal? Personally I wouldn't like this conversation. It's like you are trying to impose a title to the relationship. What would change if he tells you " ok we are in a monogamous relationship". If he wanted to cheat or date others he would have done it regardless of the “title”. Dunno… It’s admirable that you put your principles before your love for him (if I remember correctly you cut ties with him when he was seeing another woman) but don’t push the limits if it’s not necessary. You’ve been dealing with him 9 years as you say. That’s the best he can offer based on what you have written here at least. That’s my opinion though.

 

It seems that this guy is the love of your life.

 

Yes, he is... for some odd reason, no matter how turbulent our interactions have been, we've always managed to find our way back together, and things have improved every time. I guess us getting older has something to do with it as well.

I am not all that into labels, I think for me my biggest concern is what they represent, and if his "quasi relationship" has a deeper meaning, like he's not all in and he is keeping his options open. But he said he isn't, and would rather I didn't either. So as long as he is exclusive and committed to me, I don't really care what we call it.

 

You're right, I would be pushing the limits if I was to bring it up again. He doesn't like this type of conversations to begin with, but was pretty patient when they occurred, these past couple of weeks. I could tell he didn't enjoy them though. He seems to have a fear of feeling tied down, he's always been like that, and maybe that's part of the reason he is trying to downplay the relationship, I don't know. And you're also right about the fact that words don't really mean much, if he wants to cheat he will cheat anyway...

 

I guess I will see how the date goes, and if I find a proper moment to sneak in my question...if not, I may let it go for now.

[greta96]

That's what I used to believe, that it doesn't make a difference, labels are labels. But. If someone can't even say "hey, I do consider this a serious relationship, monogamous etc" that shows me he has commitment issues. I mean if there is no difference, why not label it monogamous?

 

He does tell me he is monogamous, and there is nobody else in his life.

[greta96]

When you stop telling yourself this myth, your dating life will become a whole lot easier and more clear. When a man wants to be in a relationship with you, he will have no problems letting you know that. Men are actually amazingly straightforward about that.

 

If you want to know the truth, then be straightforward and ask directly. He is a grown man, not a child who needs to be cajoled with kid gloves.

 

Personally, I think he has already told you all that you need to know. You are friends who share occasional benefits and he prefers not to sleep around and risk disease even when it's a casual deal. A pleasant convenient arrangement without the obligations of a full relationship. If this works for you, carry on. If you want more, then be honest and straightforward and tell him this bs isn't going to fly with you. Remember that you teach people how to treat you. If you want to tip toe around bs, you'll get bs'ed.

 

So I should go ahead and ask what he meant by that comment? He already back tracked right then and there and said he wasn't referring to us though, just in general, so he may not admit he was talking about us.

[greta96]

But we already know that his has indeed commitment issues and this is something that it is not going to change. I assume the guy is not 20 years old, his personality is already molded. It's an aspect of his character that you take it as a given or you do not proceed. For what it's worth, I think that you make him more nervous with labels.

 

He is most definitely not going to change, he is in his 50s.. and he's had commitment issues most of his life, as far as he's confided in me. In fact he's been getting much better recently, but he will never give up his freedom 100%. As in, he absolutely hates having to do stuff (call, text, meet up, etc). He will do all of it if you don't push it, on his own free will. But it's the expectation that he does things that he can't stand. That's why he's not too crazy about the word relationship. So yeah, labels most definitely make him nervous.

[greta96]

Break up what, if he won't define it?

 

He thinks of us as in a relationship, but then when he says stuff like quasi relationship that's when I am starting to get paranoid.

[dias]

He is most definitely not going to change, he is in his 50s.. and he's had commitment issues most of his life, as far as he's confided in me. In fact he's been getting much better recently, but he will never give up his freedom 100%. As in, he absolutely hates having to do stuff (call, text, meet up, etc). He will do all of it if you don't push it, on his own free will. But it's the expectation that he does things that he can't stand. That's why he's not too crazy about the word relationship. So yeah, labels most definitely make him nervous.

Since I have commitment issues myself (I don't like this label but hey...). I am telling you that if someone tries to impose something on me or I have to tell something I don't want, I will not take it well. Maybe I will tell you ok that moment but I won't mean it and it will be pretty obvious. Some people can't lose their freedom 100%. It's in their nature. So, my suggestion is: don't pressure him for a title because he will distance himself in the future. If he is ok towards you, it's fine.

 

See... No reason to go crazy :)

[DancingFool]

He is most definitely not going to change, he is in his 50s.. and he's had commitment issues most of his life, as far as he's confided in me. In fact he's been getting much better recently, but he will never give up his freedom 100%. As in, he absolutely hates having to do stuff (call, text, meet up, etc). He will do all of it if you don't push it, on his own free will. But it's the expectation that he does things that he can't stand. That's why he's not too crazy about the word relationship. So yeah, labels most definitely make him nervous.

 

So you already know this is who he is and this is all you get. In fact, you just spelled out exactly what "quasi-relationship" means. So, is this enough for you? Are you happy with only getting what he will throw your way when he feels like it strictly on his terms and to heck with your needs? I mean....if that works for you, carry on. If not, start looking for better. Make a choice because asking him again when you already know the answer is pointless. He won't tell you what you want to hear.

[dias]

So you already know this is who he is and this is all you get. In fact, you just spelled out exactly what "quasi-relationship" means. So, is this enough for you? Are you happy with only getting what he will throw your way when he feels like it strictly on his terms and to heck with your needs? I mean....if that works for you, carry on. If not, start looking for better. Make a choice because asking him again when you already know the answer is pointless. He won't tell you what you want to hear.

 

She never said he neglects her needs. He is texting, calling etc but he can't stand the "should haves". I don't see any problem.

[greta96]

Since I have commitment issues myself (I don't like this label but hey...). I am telling you that if someone tries to impose something on me or I have to tell something I don't want, I will not take it well. Maybe I will tell you ok that moment but I won't mean it and it will be pretty obvious. Some people can't lose their freedom 100%. It's in their nature. So, my suggestion is: don't pressure him for a title because he will distance himself in the future. If he is ok towards you, it's fine.

 

See... No reason to go crazy :)

 

 

He is definitely ok towards me, much better than ever, I can't complain.

Thank you for your input :)

[greta96]

So you already know this is who he is and this is all you get. In fact, you just spelled out exactly what "quasi-relationship" means. So, is this enough for you? Are you happy with only getting what he will throw your way when he feels like it strictly on his terms and to heck with your needs? I mean....if that works for you, carry on. If not, start looking for better. Make a choice because asking him again when you already know the answer is pointless. He won't tell you what you want to hear.

 

Like dias said below, he is no longer neglecting my needs (he used to, but he changed a bit for some reason). He's been pretty good at keeping in touch, and at seeing me regularly. He has also been more open to hearing me out and at least trying to understand my perspective, which he wasn't really doing before. But I do know this is as much as I will be getting, and to be honest it's fine with me, as long as he doesn't cheat.