What does this mean?

[greta96]

And that tells me that you don't believe he is in or you wouldn't question it.

 

I don't believe because I have trust issues and I wouldn't believe anyone, not only him. I am definitely a little nutty myself lol.

[greta96]

She feels special at the moment because he's vowing not to sleep with anyone else, like that's so spectacular on his part.

 

I don't feel special at all. And I don't think it's spectacular on his part, hey, I don't sleep with others either. But I would, if I knew he was still having a wandering eye. If I do find out he really thinks of what we have as quasi-anything, the only thing he'd be getting from me would be quasi sex.

[Batya33]

I don't believe because I have trust issues and I wouldn't believe anyone, not only him. I am definitely a little nutty myself lol.

 

So if I were you I wouldn't pursue romantic relationships -what's the point of being with someone if you don't trust the person?

[MissCanuck]

What is your end goal with this man, OP?

 

He isn't going to be your life partner, so what's in it for you?

[greta96]

What is your end goal with this man, OP?

 

He isn't going to be your life partner, so what's in it for you?

 

I had fun with him. We connected in ways I never connected with anyone else.

 

However (and this is I guess an update), it turns out the quasi relationship was actually referring to me, despite him saying otherwise. Because he just dumped me. This, after we had a silly fight over something insignificant, due to me being a bit emotional and on the edge about some medical bad stuff awaiting me soon.

He said the relationship isn't working, so he gave me the boot. Wouldn't hear my reasoning, in fact he didn't even ask anything about the medical procedure I will be having, even though it was clear it had to do with cancer.

He did say I can contact him if I want to talk, as friends, but since I don't think any friend would kick someone who is already down, I will pass on the friendship offer.

Bottom line was - he never saw himself in a real relationship with me, he just went with it because he knew I wanted one. He probably had other women in his life as well, which would explain him not contacting me on afternoons and not going out of his way to make plans with me.

 

So I guess it is really over, and now I will have to figure out ways to get him out of my system and move on with my life.

[boltnrun]

Sorry you're hurting. But this is par for the course with this man.

 

I hope you are not ever again convinced that he deserves "one more chance" or that this guy and you are "meant to be".

 

You can find true love, but it's not with this man because he's not the right one for you.

 

Also, remember, you wrote this:

"My feelings toward him have changed, so now I am able to have the relationship I always wanted with him because I know even if he leaves, life will go on. In fact, up until we decided to give things another try, I went on a few dates and I am still talking with someone else (I was honest though and told him I am attempting to work things out with an ex, so I can't meet for the time being).

If it once again doesn't work out, I will be sad but nowhere near as sad as I used to be all those years."

[Betterwithout]

Because he just dumped me. This, after we had a silly fight over something insignificant, due to me being a bit emotional and on the edge about some medical bad stuff awaiting me soon.

 

It's got nothing to do about your upcoming medical bad stuff, and all to do with your quasi relationship. My advice from last week stands. "I think success rate of long term quasi or FWB relationships are limited at best"

 

Regardless of "connecting in ways you've never connected with anyone else" there wasn't much of a commitment which is why majority of FWB are short term. As you expressed above, you wanted a real relationship and he wasn't giving you one.

 

Sorry this happened to you, and I wish the best for your next relationship and your medical treatments.

You will find love and healing, but not from this guy.

[greta96]

Sorry you're hurting. But this is par for the course with this man.

 

I hope you are not ever again convinced that he deserves "one more chance" or that this guy and you are "meant to be".

 

You can find true love, but it's not with this man because he's not the right one for you.

 

Also, remember, you wrote this:

"My feelings toward him have changed, so now I am able to have the relationship I always wanted with him because I know even if he leaves, life will go on. In fact, up until we decided to give things another try, I went on a few dates and I am still talking with someone else (I was honest though and told him I am attempting to work things out with an ex, so I can't meet for the time being).

If it once again doesn't work out, I will be sad but nowhere near as sad as I used to be all those years."

 

Oh, there will never be another chance, this is something I can guarantee. I have had enough. Yes I'm still numb because even if I knew he was a cruel person I never thought he would be this sadistic towards me, and I'm not talking only about my medical stuff (that was the icing on the cake), but the way he once again disposed of me over something extremely insignificant. In fact, I am almost certain he was trying to start a fight that night, as he did something that he knew would have bothered me, but then I happened to say what I said about his ex and he used that as the reason for the fight instead. He was trying to end it with me but without him being the bad guy, as usual. Only this time, I really didn't see it coming. Things had been going smoothly for the past couple of months, yes I did notice he never once asked me to hang out even though he was between jobs and had nothing to do all day, but I didn't read too much into it.

 

So short answer, no, I would never dream of giving this man another chance. There is being mean and nasty, and then there is being vicious. He was vicious, at a time when I needed support the most. This is not something I can forgive and forget. This man is certainly not "the one" for me, and I do regret the 10 years I wasted on him.

[greta96]

It's got nothing to do about your upcoming medical bad stuff, and all to do with your quasi relationship. My advice from last week stands. "I think success rate of long term quasi or FWB relationships are limited at best"

 

Regardless of "connecting in ways you've never connected with anyone else" there wasn't much of a commitment which is why majority of FWB are short term. As you expressed above, you wanted a real relationship and he wasn't giving you one.

 

Sorry this happened to you, and I wish the best for your next relationship and your medical treatments.

You will find love and healing, but not from this guy.

 

Yes, he wants relationships to be on his terms. He was only telling me we were in a relationship because he knew that was what I wanted to hear, but in his mind it was clearly a quasi relationship and the term happened to jump out of his mouth before he had the chance to catch it. I don't think it is possible to spend almost a year and a half with someone, talk to them daily almost, share thoughts and experiences, and then just turn everything off like a switch and turn your back on them, unless you really never felt much for the person. I must have been one of many in his life.

But then again, I witnessed him cheating on his girlfriend of 3 years for 5 months, so I'm not sure what I expected from him. I suppose I kind of deserved everything that's happening to me now, because any woman with a bit of self respect would have given him the boot a very long time ago.

[Jibralta]

then I happened to say what I said about his ex and he used that as the reason for the fight instead.

 

What did you say?

[greta96]

What did you say?

 

That he never did for me the things he did for her (true), and that she wasn't as bright and beautiful as he thought she was (yes I was being mean, but it had some truth to it). Hardly something to dump me over! And he knew she was always a sore spot for me, as in the past she was openly flirting with him right under my nose when me and him were together.

I stopped this conversation after less than 5 minutes, but he made it snowball into a huge fight, probably because he wanted us to have a fight.

I am almost certain he never broke up with her, and that he juggled both of us for the past year and a half. Just like I'm almost certain he needed to get rid of me for Valentine's, so he could spend it with her.

Which is who he probably also spent NYE, as he had plans with me but canceled them the night before, citing a very idiotic reason. He didn't bother wish me Happy new year, or to ask me how did I end up spending it, knowing I was up in the air after he had bailed on me last minute.

[Batya33]

That he never did for me the things he did for her (true), and that she wasn't as bright and beautiful as he thought she was (yes I was being mean, but it had some truth to it). Hardly something to dump me over! And he knew she was always a sore spot for me, as in the past she was openly flirting with him right under my nose when me and him were together.

I stopped this conversation after less than 5 minutes, but he made it snowball into a huge fight, probably because he wanted us to have a fight.

I am almost certain he never broke up with her, and that he juggled both of us for the past year and a half. Just like I'm almost certain he needed to get rid of me for Valentine's, so he could spend it with her.

Which is who he probably also spent NYE, as he had plans with me but canceled them the night before, citing a very idiotic reason. He didn't bother wish me Happy new year, or to ask me how did I end up spending it, knowing I was up in the air after he had bailed on me last minute.

 

I think he did want to break up and what you said just did not give you a good look. It doesn't matter if it was 5 minutes or 30 seconds. He is not a good match for you but I'd consider how you would make different choices in future relationships if you're feeling frustrated.

[greta96]

I think he did want to break up and what you said just did not give you a good look. It doesn't matter if it was 5 minutes or 30 seconds. He is not a good match for you but I'd consider how you would make different choices in future relationships if you're feeling frustrated.

 

Yes, it surely does look like he was going to break up anyway. Part of me thinks it was initially supposed to be a fight that would have given him enough of a "break" so he could skip Valentine's Day, but now it's clear he just wanted out permanently.

I made lots of bad choices with regards to him, and I put up with things not many people would, just to keep him in my life. And it still wasn't enough! I don't understand him, and how is it so easy for him to just dispose of people he claims he cares about and are close to his heart. He always said with me he could be himself, and talk about everything under the moon. If that was true, he surely would have treated me better?

But yeah, I know my own choices are to blame for where I am right now.

[Batya33]

Yes, it surely does look like he was going to break up anyway. Part of me thinks it was initially supposed to be a fight that would have given him enough of a "break" so he could skip Valentine's Day, but now it's clear he just wanted out permanently.

I made lots of bad choices with regards to him, and I put up with things not many people would, just to keep him in my life. And it still wasn't enough! I don't understand him, and how is it so easy for him to just dispose of people he claims he cares about and are close to his heart. He always said with me he could be himself, and talk about everything under the moon. If that was true, he surely would have treated me better?

But yeah, I know my own choices are to blame for where I am right now.

 

He's not disposing of you -he declined to continue dating you. He did not want an exclusive relationship with you whether you wanted to hear/absorb that or not. He might have felt he could be himself but not when you started trashing the other woman's looks and comparing what he did for her to what he did for you. That can make someone really uncomfortable I would think. i totally understand why you were frustrated and stressed just looking at it from his side of things too.

[greta96]

He's not disposing of you -he declined to continue dating you. He did not want an exclusive relationship with you whether you wanted to hear/absorb that or not. He might have felt he could be himself but not when you started trashing the other woman's looks and comparing what he did for her to what he did for you. That can make someone really uncomfortable I would think. i totally understand why you were frustrated and stressed just looking at it from his side of things too.

 

He may have been uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as I felt when he told me how he used to see her every other day (while with me he was fine not seeing for weeks), and knowing how he went to places he normally disliked just because she liked them (while with me he wouldn't have dreamt of doing such thing). And many other things like this. How he'd take her to restaurants for Valentine's (while he didn't even call me on that day last year)... Now that was highly uncomfortable for me to live with. So the 5 minutes I voiced my annoyance with her (especially since I truly believe he never ended things with her) were nothing compared to how I felt all this time. Again, I acknowledge it's my fault for staying, knowing everything I knew.

You're right, he didn't want an exclusive relationship with me. But he should have been upfront about it and let me make my own decisions, instead of lying about it and making me believe I was the only one.

In fact, I'm not sure what was even true from our long interaction. He lied about pretty much everything. By the looks of it, he wasn't even my friend, never mind more.

[Batya33]

He may have been uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as I felt when he told me how he used to see her every other day (while with me he was fine not seeing for weeks), and knowing how he went to places he normally disliked just because she liked them (while with me he wouldn't have dreamt of doing such thing). And many other things like this. How he'd take her to restaurants for Valentine's (while he didn't even call me on that day last year)... Now that was highly uncomfortable for me to live with. So the 5 minutes I voiced my annoyance with her (especially since I truly believe he never ended things with her) were nothing compared to how I felt all this time. Again, I acknowledge it's my fault for staying, knowing everything I knew.

You're right, he didn't want an exclusive relationship with me. But he should have been upfront about it and let me make my own decisions, instead of lying about it and making me believe I was the only one.

In fact, I'm not sure what was even true from our long interaction. He lied about pretty much everything. By the looks of it, he wasn't even my friend, never mind more.

 

I wouldn't play the comparison game if you want to grow from this. Two wrongs don't make a right. 5 minutes is irrelevant -my son was punched in the the stomach yesterday by a bully. It took ten seconds to punch him and the consequences are of course significant. You can personally attack someone verbally in far less than 5 minutes and it doesn't make it less serious just because it only took a minute. You didn't just voice your annoyance -you personally attacked her looks behind her back - I understand your frustration and the impression you give when you stoop that low in that situation is that you're not able to handle conflict, that you lack self control, that you're willing to be "mean" as you put it. You have other choices. You can walk away, you can explain calmly that you're reaching a certain point and you need to change the topic, etc. Certainly he may have still stopped wanting to date you but then you walk away knowing you acted with integrity and character. And that IMHO is so important for you and your growth.

 

I don't think he lied to you about not wanting a relationship with you. You posted about his comments about "quasi" and you acknowledged he was not exclusive with you. To me that is upfront but we can agree to disagree.

 

I am not saying he is a good well-meaning person. Not at all. I am saying that harping on that to justify your reactions and choices impedes growth.

[boltnrun]

A few days ago you wrote this:

"Nah, I'm not really doing anything anymore. I don't put as much thought into it as i used to, and I am no longer bent on keeping him."

 

And now you're saying this:

"I made lots of bad choices with regards to him, and I put up with things not many people would, just to keep him in my life."[/b]

 

It's good you have clarity now and the ability to admit to yourself that you DID, in fact, try to be what he wanted just to try to keep him.

 

Hopefully you now realize he isn't worth "keeping", and you don't try to convince yourself ever again that you two just keep coming back together because you're meant to be. He comes back because you bend yourself every which way to do whatever and be whatever he wants and he knows this. Hopefully that has ended permanently.

 

HE (and the way you are around him) is the problem, NOT the solution.

[greta96]

A few days ago you wrote this:

"Nah, I'm not really doing anything anymore. I don't put as much thought into it as i used to, and I am no longer bent on keeping him."

 

And now you're saying this:

"I made lots of bad choices with regards to him, and I put up with things not many people would, just to keep him in my life."[/b]

 

It's good you have clarity now and the ability to admit to yourself that you DID, in fact, try to be what he wanted just to try to keep him.

 

Hopefully you now realize he isn't worth "keeping", and you don't try to convince yourself ever again that you two just keep coming back together because you're meant to be. He comes back because you bend yourself every which way to do whatever and be whatever he wants and he knows this. Hopefully that has ended permanently.

 

HE (and the way you are around him) is the problem, NOT the solution.

 

Absolutely, I did bend over backwards for over a year now to keep him; with every fight we had (mainly caused by me catching him in blatant lies and confronting him), I learned what I shouldn't do if I wanted to keep the peace; every time I timidly asked for reassurance and he bit my head off over it, I learned that I should never try to look at him for that. There have been many "lessons" that I had to learn, as to keep the peace. That woman (the "ex" in question) was described by him as being "just there" and giving him a "comfortable" relationship, translation: she let him do whatever he pleased without complaining or demanding much, which is what he wants - and what I obviously didn't do a great job at. But look what happened to her. He cheated on her for 5 months at least, that I know for sure, or perhaps one year and a half - if I'm right in my suspicion that he played us both. I didn't want to be her, I didn't want to be "just there" and "comfortable" while he made a play for other women. And yet, I slowly morphed into her, but not quite because I still didn't keep my mouth shut all the time like she did.

 

I do realize now that he is far from worth keeping, and we are most definitely not meant to be. It was all in my head. And yes, it is now over for good.