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Dated, broke up, reconciled, had a relationship, now dumped again


greta96

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I took a hiatus from this site because in the past year or so, I made so many bad decisions that I felt I could no longer, in good conscience, offer any sound advice to anybody.

 

This will be long, I hope at least a few of you will have the patience to read it all, because I am so confused and hurt by everything that went down, I would really welcome someone's take on it all. So PLEASE, try to read and help, if possible.

 

I met Him 9 years ago, at the bar he worked at, and where my friends and I were (still are) regulars. We liked each other, we would interact every time I was there, but things weren't taking off - aka he wasn't asking for my number. Months went by, I ended up asking him out myself, and the cycle began. He called me a couple of times, went on a nice date, but quickly I noticed that while our conversations were long and interesting, they didn't happen often and he wasn't asking me out. We'd hang out for a coffee here and there after the bar, whenever he felt like it, but that was pretty much it. He wasn't even interested in sex, we only did "it" twice in the 2 months we saw each other. He claimed he lived with his cousin far away, so I never went to his place. He was acting shady, but for some reason I felt this crazy "connection" with him that prevented me from cutting ties. We were on and off for about a year. Eventually he ended things with me, on my birthday, of all days. Which he barely acknowledged, by the way.

 

We ignored each other at the bar, then a year later he quit, so I didn't see him for 2-3 years...until he came back to work at the bar.

A year later, one night, we started talking and we reconnected. He told me how he had throught about me during those years, how he was wanting to talk to me again but didn't know how I would react, he apologized for the way he had treated me in the past and asked for another chance. His explanation for having treated me poorly in the past was that "the timing wasn't right", he wasn't ready for a relationship and he was basically a jerk with everyone and shutting everyone out. In fact, he even said that he avoided getting close to me in particular because he wanted flings with women he would have an easy time dumping, and he knew it would have been difficult to end things with me because I was different and we actually had a connection.

 

I had never gotten over him, so I was overjoyed. It was my dream come true, so although fearful that the bad treatment would happen again, I let him back in my life. When we talked on the phone, it was once again amazing - long conversations, we got to know each other better, got along swimmingly. One thing - he had a girlfriend. A woman who used to be there, at the bar, chatting him up, in the past when we were supposedly together, whom I hated so much... He had been with her for 3 years, he said. But...he also said their relationship was dying, that they were seeing each other once-twice a month, and that the relationship was just "convenient", she was "just there", he had never loved her. I couldn't care less that he was emotionally (and then physically) cheating on her, I hated the woman. Little did I know that I should have paid much more attention to the way he was treating/talking about her....

 

Anyway, we got closer over the next 7 months, we were talking on the phone more and more often, we saw each other sometimes (when he wasn't with her), made out, but I refused to have sex as long as he was still seeing her. And unfortunately 7 months in, she was still in the picture, even though he was telling me that if she was to leave, he couldn't have cared less. But he never said he wanted to leave her... Until in June he said he ended things with her, and we started our relationship (and sleeping together).

 

Well...it wasn't all smiles and sunshine. He was MUCH better than in the past, he actually called when he said he would (for the most part), we saw each other relatively often, he was taking nights off from the bar to spend with me every other week... but there were always red flags popping up. There was always that one night per week, every week, where he wouldn't call me, even though he had made a habit out of calling me every evening. The explanations he'd give didn't hold any water, they were childish. He would always refuse to give me any kind of reassurance, in fact every time I asked for it (let's face it, dating someone who works in a bar and is constantly flirted with by tons of women is not for the weak of heart!) he'd tell me I was annoying him and would yell at me that I should know he wasn't the reassuring type. Somehow, he'd turn everything around me, making me feel like the bad guy and I'd always end up apologizing in the end!

 

I caught him in lies, and made the mistake of confronting him about some. Well, by the time he was done with me, he was the one claiming he had lost trust in me, because I was checking up on him! Mind you, his lies were so poorly thought out that it didn't require any snooping or anything, just some wit and ability to put 2 and 2 together.

 

In the beginning, he'd do anything to gain my trust. He even said he had me on a pedestal, that I was the only person who he could be himself around, who he trusted with his deepest secrets, who understood him... then little by little, he started seeing my "flaws" (meaning, every time I had a hard time hiding my sadness when I'd discover yet another lie or when I knew he was up to no good).

 

I went on a 2-week vacation, and he cancelled the plans we had to see me before I left, claiming he had a BBQ to go to. Only after I begged and pleaded did he accept to see me for a couple of hours, the day before I left.

 

Upon my return, more lies were awaiting. I became strongly suspicious that there was another woman involved. In fact, all throughout the relationship I had the feeling that the woman he was with was still very much in the picture, and he never ended things with her. Why would he, if she was ok with seeing him here and there and wasn't giving him any trouble about it?

 

Come October, he told me his kids were moving in with him, so he was not going to be able to give me much of a relationship, he was going to see me maybe once/twice a month (does this pattern sound familiar?). End of October, kids were moved in (overnight!) and he dropped the calls completely, he would text me during the day from work only, claiming he couldn't talk with them there ("kids" are 16/17 years old). The one time I got to go to his place before he ended it with me, there was no sign of anyone else living there, by the way. Nothing.

 

The weekend before last, he didn't contact me at all, not even a text. I knew he wanted me out of his life, so I asked if the lack of contact meant anything. He texted that I obviously wanted more than he could give me, and he wasn't going to contact me anymore. This was it, it was over. He did not reply to any of my subsequent texts, he just went radio silent. I even messaged him to offer to stay friends, because we did seem to have a great friendship throughout the years and I genuinely wanted to preserve that, and still nothing!

 

To say I'm hurt would be an understatement. I have so many "whys", why did he do this to me again, why was he so adamant about making things work, and then dump me in such a cruel manner again? Did he mean ANY of the things he told me about how he thought I was smart, how we had a connection, how we were meant to be back together? I didn't do anything wrong to this guy, I helped him whenever I could, drove him around, listened to him... except for my occasional attempts to seek reassurance from him (which were not many because I knew he'd just bite my head off), we had no other fights....so then why did he blank me out like that?

We had so much in common (or so it seemed)! He actually cried when I gave him a gift he had always wanted, on his b-day! We had so many wonderful times this summer, we did things he said he hadn't done in a long time as he had nobody to do them with (now I guess he lied about that too...).

 

I don't understand much of this, yes I know it wasn't a good relationship, I know he didn't love me (he told me so too), "I like you" was the warmest thing I heard from him apart from physical compliments, but there was a friendship there, we were close, we shared intimate details...did that count for nothing? Or was there no friendship, it was all part of his ploy to get me back? But he spent literally over 100 hours on the phone with me! Sometimes we'd talk for 3 hours at a time!

 

He was clearly trying to put me on the back burner just the way that woman was a year ago, and when he realized I wasn't going to just go with it he decided to discard me? Will he ever be back?

 

I know you'll say I'm better off without him, and you're probably right, but it's understanding why he did what he did that I am more concerned with, for the time being. Yes I want him back. I will see him every time I go hang out with my friends and my heart is breaking (and no, I won't stop going, I have to be tough and soldier through it).

 

But...why would he refuse any contact with me?? Why not even a short reply? He's 50, not a teenager...silent treatment from a 50 year old?

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I would imagine he is still seeing someone else (or a different Someone Else) and doesn't want her to find out about you so he's cut you off completely.

 

The relevant question is not why he does this. It's why do you do this? You've known for ages this dude is a tool, so you need to ask yourself why you keep opening the toolbox.

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Oh the same guy i assume....I thought that you dumped him....

 

Why did he do it? It's his character. No mystery here.

 

Thing is, for how long are you going to continue like this(reconcile-break up)? You prefer having this instead of dating someone new?

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I would imagine he is still seeing someone else (or a different Someone Else) and doesn't want her to find out about you so he's cut you off completely.

 

The relevant question is not why he does this. It's why do you do this? You've known for ages this dude is a tool, so you need to ask yourself why you keep opening the toolbox.

 

Yes he's seeing someone for sure, I don't believe his "kids" story because he could have still easily maintained a relationship with me, if that was the truth.

Why do I do what I do? I've been reading a lot on narcissism (which describes him accurately unfortunately) and it sounds like "trauma bonding". It's like a drug...you know it's not good for you but you still need it...hard to explain. It's a form of abuse that can impact one a great deal...

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Oh, gosh. I read the whole thing even though I was already deeply troubled by this man's behaviour from the first paragraph that you started describing your relationship beginnings. He has shown signs of trouble from the start. You have chosen to ignore them, or to make excuses for him. And now you are where you are. I think of all the things I have learnt, from my relationships it is that what Maya Angelou was right: "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time".

Please remember that this is always true. Do not trust people who are capable of blowing hot and cold on you - that is not the healthy foundation for a relationship. You will regret this so much when you are finally over him (because you will be one day, believe me) and you will look at this with fresh eyes. But you cannot reach that place of happiness and healthiness while you are romanticising him and your phone calls. Every relationship has wonderful aspects to it -the ones that don't work or are abusive or toxic in some way, ALL HAVE A GOOD SIDE. They all have this wonderful bit that's amazing that you want to hold onto, that you love, and wish you could keep forever, that's special in a way that you never thought imaginable. BUT that's not a relationship and not one that you should hold onto. He has caused you so much disappointment, he's let you down, he's lied to you, he doesn't even fulfil you sexually, he doesn't even love you, and yet you are begging for this man to be with you, or to be your friend?? The more you want this, the longer you are going to stay unhappy, and the longer you are going to spend not allowing happiness to enter your life. The right person for you would NOT do this. And you are denying the possibility of meeting him, because you are so caught up in believing somehow that this man is right for you or that you'll find your way together. You need to realise that you deserve LOVE and you deserve a healthy, happy relationship that doesn't just revolve around HIS schedule and his needs. I know that you sort of expected an answer of this kind and you were looking for the "why". Well, as cliche as this also sounds, the WHY doesn't matter. It really doesn't. What matters is the conclusion: that he has broken up with you, doesn't love you the way you love him and he's not motivated enough to make this relationship work. And you deserve better - SO MUCH BETTER. But, from where I'm standing, if you REALLY want an answer, I believe that he's narcissistic and only sees things from his perspective and unable to be a good and loving partner and he's incapable of empathy. So that's why he's unpredictable, and inconsistent. He isn't respecting you. So, the way to react to this, is to feel the pain, feel the loss, grieve it and really go through everything and try to create your own path and start taking care of yourself all the ways that you can do that you can get over this. It will not help you to continue going to that bar and to try to hold onto him. You may try to do that for a while and seek out answers - that's a natural way to feel. But eventually I think you will realise that the 'why' doesn't matter. I'm sorry you are going through this and hurting so much. I know how painful this is.

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There is something about wanting to be with a person who discarded us to begin with.

Even if we didn't really care for him or in this case, can't make a list of reasonable qualities.

As if, if we can get them care, to right a wrong, it defines our worth in some way.

 

I am sorry you went through this. Aside from his poor treatment of you, you really need to focus on why you put yourself in harms way when you already suspected the outcome would be bad.

 

I hope you come back and write about this some more about this so the answers become a little clearer for you.

And I agree, he does sound very narcissistic and is capable of using others for his own benefit.

These types can discard others without thinking twice. They are also very charming.

 

But your challenge is to figure out why you were attracted to someone like this in the first place.

Please take care of yourself.

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Oh, gosh. I read the whole thing even though I was already deeply troubled by this man's behaviour from the first paragraph that you started describing your relationship beginnings. He has shown signs of trouble from the start. You have chosen to ignore them, or to make excuses for him. And now you are where you are. I think of all the things I have learnt, from my relationships it is that what Maya Angelou was right: "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time".

Please remember that this is always true. Do not trust people who are capable of blowing hot and cold on you - that is not the healthy foundation for a relationship. You will regret this so much when you are finally over him (because you will be one day, believe me) and you will look at this with fresh eyes. But you cannot reach that place of happiness and healthiness while you are romanticising him and your phone calls. Every relationship has wonderful aspects to it -the ones that don't work or are abusive or toxic in some way, ALL HAVE A GOOD SIDE. They all have this wonderful bit that's amazing that you want to hold onto, that you love, and wish you could keep forever, that's special in a way that you never thought imaginable. BUT that's not a relationship and not one that you should hold onto. He has caused you so much disappointment, he's let you down, he's lied to you, he doesn't even fulfil you sexually, he doesn't even love you, and yet you are begging for this man to be with you, or to be your friend?? The more you want this, the longer you are going to stay unhappy, and the longer you are going to spend not allowing happiness to enter your life. The right person for you would NOT do this. And you are denying the possibility of meeting him, because you are so caught up in believing somehow that this man is right for you or that you'll find your way together. You need to realise that you deserve LOVE and you deserve a healthy, happy relationship that doesn't just revolve around HIS schedule and his needs. I know that you sort of expected an answer of this kind and you were looking for the "why". Well, as cliche as this also sounds, the WHY doesn't matter. It really doesn't. What matters is the conclusion: that he has broken up with you, doesn't love you the way you love him and he's not motivated enough to make this relationship work. And you deserve better - SO MUCH BETTER. But, from where I'm standing, if you REALLY want an answer, I believe that he's narcissistic and only sees things from his perspective and unable to be a good and loving partner and he's incapable of empathy. So that's why he's unpredictable, and inconsistent. He isn't respecting you. So, the way to react to this, is to feel the pain, feel the loss, grieve it and really go through everything and try to create your own path and start taking care of yourself all the ways that you can do that you can get over this. It will not help you to continue going to that bar and to try to hold onto him. You may try to do that for a while and seek out answers - that's a natural way to feel. But eventually I think you will realise that the 'why' doesn't matter. I'm sorry you are going through this and hurting so much. I know how painful this is.

 

You are absolutely right!

And yes, he is not capable of empathy. Even a year ago when we were just "friends" (but making out and stuff) and I was telling him I was feeling bad because I was feeling like "the other woman" (which I was, obviously), he was telling me he didn't see what we were doing as cheating, that they didn't have much of a relationship anyway. But they were still having sex, and they did so for 7 months after me and him reconnected! Meaning, he had no empathy for her, no remorse for cheating on her, nothing. And clearly he had none of that while he cheated on me too (you can imagine how excited I am about doing my STD panel once the window period is over )

I know there's lots to say about my character too for allowing myself to be "the other woman", but I hated her so much, even years later I still saw her in my mind's eyes, how she was hanging on to him in front of me and how hurt I was feeling and how I just wished she'd go away, that I didn't mind hurting her back...

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There is something about wanting to be with a person who discarded us to begin with.

Even if we didn't really care for him or in this case, can't make a list of reasonable qualities.

As if, if we can get them care, to right a wrong, it defines our worth in some way.

 

I am sorry you went through this. Aside from his poor treatment of you, you really need to focus on why you put yourself in harms way when you already suspected the outcome would be bad.

 

I hope you come back and write about this some more about this so the answers become a little clearer for you.

And I agree, he does sound very narcissistic and is capable of using others for his own benefit.

These types can discard others without thinking twice. They are also very charming.

 

But your challenge is to figure out why you were attracted to someone like this in the first place.

Please take care of yourself.

 

Thank you! The "why did I allow this to happen" is still a mystery, I know my friends were all puzzled because they saw that I knew what was happening, it's not like I was ever blind to it, and yet I couldn't find the strength to end it. From my perspective, it was a dream come true. I guess the seeds were planted in the past, when getting validation from him meant a lot. There was never one day, over the 6 years we were apart, where I didn't think about him. Not one day, including those years where I didn't even see him at all! I chucked it up to having a weird connection to him (a past life sort of thing), and stopped questioning it, I just knew I missed him, was not interested in ever dating anyone else, and had made peace with the idea that I was going to be single and sexless forever. It didn't even bother me.

Then he suddenly was back into my life and all apologetic and nice, I mean come on, that feeling of having your dream come true is out of this world, logic goes out the window when that happens. I would have done anything not to lose him again. I didn't think I would lose him to be honest, I figured if he went through the trouble to try and fix things and we were getting along better than ever, why would he leave again?

Well, he left without as little as a goodbye. I suppose, looking back, he was bored with that woman (just like he was bored with me now) and was looking to spice things up with someone else, maybe even replace her if that someone else was a better (read: easier to manipulate) fit. I guess I wasn't, because I have this "talent" of questioning everything and it's easy for me to spot lies.

 

And the saddest thing is that I still want him back

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First of all, don't put energy into hating his girlfriend/ex-girlfriend, whatever she is. She's a completely innocent party here. You actually screwed her over, so your hating her is, I believe, misplaced anger at him for not leaving her. I feel bad for her. She probably thought she had this great, nice boyfriend, and had no idea he was screwing around on her. So leave your hate for her at the door please.

 

That being said, he has all the elements of a classic narcissist: has to always have women in rotations (supply), always has a primary supply and secondary supplies, has no empathy, lies even when the truth is a better story, and creates flying monkeys. Think of the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz: This guy has to have "flying monkeys" around him, fighting over him. So, he has this GF, then he cheats on her with you, and you hate her, which you voice or show, and she probably has choice words about you, and he gets to sit back and enjoy it all.

 

Go to thriveafterabuse.org.

 

And yes, once you are fully out of this, you will see the forest rather than the trees, and you will realize that this 50 year-old guy has been doing this all his life, and he will be running around the senior age home doing the same thing: he will be that old man who has different girlfriends in rotation, always lying, and enjoying all the words being thrown about them and the little old flying monkey ladies who are fighting over him.

 

You need to figure out a way to move on from this. This is no bueno.

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If he did come back he'd treat you the exact same way.

 

What is it about you that makes that prospect appealing?

 

I am certain about that.... and yet... I don't know what's wrong with me!

He is only happy when his woman is content with the way he is and doesn't question him at all. Now if he was a regular guy, that would be fine. But he lies, a lot, and it's hard to be ok with that.

I suppose the woman he cheated on with me was just that, as he was saying he was content with their relationship....well of course he was, because she was giving him plenty of time to nurse a relationship with me behind her back

OK i guess I'd like him to "see the light", realize that it's me he wants, miss me and want to change. But he thinks he's already perfect so he will never change.

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First of all, don't put energy into hating his girlfriend/ex-girlfriend, whatever she is. She's a completely innocent party here. You actually screwed her over, so your hating her is, I believe, misplaced anger at him for not leaving her. I feel bad for her. She probably thought she had this great, nice boyfriend, and had no idea he was screwing around on her. So leave your hate for her at the door please.

 

That being said, he has all the elements of a classic narcissist: has to always have women in rotations (supply), always has a primary supply and secondary supplies, has no empathy, lies even when the truth is a better story, and creates flying monkeys. Think of the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz: This guy has to have "flying monkeys" around him, fighting over him. So, he has this GF, then he cheats on her with you, and you hate her, which you voice or show, and she probably has choice words about you, and he gets to sit back and enjoy it all.

 

Go to thriveafterabuse.org.

 

And yes, once you are fully out of this, you will see the forest rather than the trees, and you will realize that this 50 year-old guy has been doing this all his life, and he will be running around the senior age home doing the same thing: he will be that old man who has different girlfriends in rotation, always lying, and enjoying all the words being thrown about them and the little old flying monkey ladies who are fighting over him.

 

You need to figure out a way to move on from this. This is no bueno.

 

Well she interfered with my relationship with him first, in the past... she was constantly all over him, in front of me, his girlfriend...they probably had sex too behind my back...but you're right, it's him who allowed it to happen, he is the root of the problem.

Everything I've been reading on narcissism describes him. Even his refusal to leave the bar job at his age is telling, because the bar is a constant source of narcissistic supply. I guess that's why he came back to work there after he quit, he was missing the supply. And he'll totally miss it when that job will truly come to an end.

 

I'm not sure how I'll move on from this though. I really don't know.

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Hi Greta...good to see you. You've offered me advice in the past and so I think it's only fair to do the same.

 

I think we've all been here.... So no judgements. You already KNOW you should have known better...

I can't blame you for having feelings for someone who ..honestly doesn't deserve it, but again, not judging. This guy knows what he's doing. He's likely done it so many times, which is why he has no problems with doing it. He's '50 ' years old ..of course he knows!!

 

One thing I have have learned...is that when someone shows you who they are..believe them. THIS is who he is. Don't wonder how it 'could' be.. This is exactly what, and who you're going to get. Question is.....are YOU ok with just getting this??? A measly relationship from someone who only offers excuses and never anything solid??

I don't think you are....or I don't think you'd be here.

 

I think this guy has wasted enough of your time....I think it's time to get Greta back.

That is MY thoughts.....you deserve so much more than this....don't you??

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Wow. While reading your message I thought you were heading to where you were going to sum up the relationship with the realization of what was going on -- but then you didn't. I guess you are too close to the problem.

 

When a man doesn't invite you back to his place, and acts the way he acted, it means he's living with his wife or another girlfriend. He was probably breaking up and making up with her so when you saw his place, she had moved out. The day of the week he didn't contact you was either his date night with the girlfriend or the day he had to visit the kids. It was probably date night.

 

You admit that it was you who pursued him even when he wasn't interested. He did hardly anything to lead you on. You kept going back to him. I think, in a way, he was trying to shake you by telling you he had another girlfriend, but you kept pursuing him. I'm not saying he's innocent, but you did push to continue to see him. You were always there. In a way, the lack of sex could demonstrate that he was actually fighting against trying to get attached to you. I don't know if many men could practice that much self control.

 

So, look. You made a mistake. You went after a man who wasn't free and had other baggage. If you hadn't pursued him, the relationship would have just died out. My advice is to stop contacting him, give up, and look for someone else while you're still young.

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Hi Greta...good to see you. You've offered me advice in the past and so I think it's only fair to do the same.

 

I think we've all been here.... So no judgements. You already KNOW you should have known better...

I can't blame you for having feelings for someone who ..honestly doesn't deserve it, but again, not judging. This guy knows what he's doing. He's likely done it so many times, which is why he has no problems with doing it. He's '50 ' years old ..of course he knows!!

 

One thing I have have learned...is that when someone shows you who they are..believe them. THIS is who he is. Don't wonder how it 'could' be.. This is exactly what, and who you're going to get. Question is.....are YOU ok with just getting this??? A measly relationship from someone who only offers excuses and never anything solid??

I don't think you are....or I don't think you'd be here.

 

I think this guy has wasted enough of your time....I think it's time to get Greta back.

That is MY thoughts.....you deserve so much more than this....don't you??

 

Thank you for your kind words, I hope things are good with you!

It really feels like the old Greta died lol... seriously, part of me has changed so much I barely recognize myself sometimes!

Absolutely, he will never change. His whole life he's been in and out of relationships, he had some longer ones but I guess it's because he was cheating behind their backs. He gets bored too easily, and nothing you do for him is enough to keep him yours. Also, like he himself admits, his feelings are never deep. He can't love, he doesn't want to get too attached to anyone. Everybody is disposable to him, easily replaceable. I actually thought he had matured in the 6 years I hadn't talked to him, he seemed to have changed, softened up...but no, it was just an act meant to hook me again. Otherwise he wouldn't have dumped me in the harsh manner he did!

 

I am trying to talk about it as much as I can, with whoever still listens...I read as much as I can on narcissism and that helped shed some light on his behavior...but at the end of the day, there are still those awesome memories of the "him" I wish he was, and boy if the real him was like that I would be the happiest woman on earth!

 

I suppose time will heal me some...but if I couldn't get over him in the past, how am I going to do it now, when things were better than then?

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Wow. While reading your message I thought you were heading to where you were going to sum up the relationship with the realization of what was going on -- but then you didn't. I guess you are too close to the problem.

 

When a man doesn't invite you back to his place, and acts the way he acted, it means he's living with his wife or another girlfriend. He was probably breaking up and making up with her so when you saw his place, she had moved out. The day of the week he didn't contact you was either his date night with the girlfriend or the day he had to visit the kids. It was probably date night.

 

You admit that it was you who pursued him even when he wasn't interested. He did hardly anything to lead you on. You kept going back to him. I think, in a way, he was trying to shake you by telling you he had another girlfriend, but you kept pursuing him. I'm not saying he's innocent, but you did push to continue to see him. You were always there. In a way, the lack of sex could demonstrate that he was actually fighting against trying to get attached to you. I don't know if many men could practice that much self control.

 

So, look. You made a mistake. You went after a man who wasn't free and had other baggage. If you hadn't pursued him, the relationship would have just died out. My advice is to stop contacting him, give up, and look for someone else while you're still young.

 

Me pursuing him happened in the past, 7 years ago. This time around, it was him who pursued me, promising he's changed, apologizing for the way he treated me in the past... and I bought it.

In the past, I am sure he was living with a woman, or he would have acted less shady.

Now, yes that one night per week when he'd go MIA was for sure his date night with someone else. I couldn't ask, or he would have accused me of being controlling and demanding.

 

I will not contact him again, I offered friendship in my last message, he didn't reply, it's over. But darn was that a rough lesson...

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In fact, since we established he is and has always been a cheater, I have to wonder why hasn't he taken me up on my offer to stay friends? This way he would have still had me on the "back burner" and I would have had zero rights to ask for anything from him - which is what he wanted in the first place! So why did he just ignore my message? Why not stay friends, talk every now and then, and have a pleasant interaction when we saw each other at the bar? Why choose to make things awkward and for me to hate him instead?

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The truth is..you never really 'had' him....or probably ever even a real 'relationship' you had nuances , and pieces..but not the whole gambit. It's not your fault.....just know, based on what you've described...this has been a lot of smoke and mirrors. I think there was much more going on with this other woman than he let on ..or will ever admit. Even while you were together.

 

Right now, I know it feels like you will never heal..but believe me, in a year you will look back and praise God that this happened. Just focus on you...and getting this toxic man outof your life forever.

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I suppose time will heal me some...but if I couldn't get over him in the past, how am I going to do it now, when things were better than then?

 

Time will heal and you will move past this. There are some really valuable lessons here.

 

My suggestion is to only spend a little more time figuring him out. (because we've all been there and telling you otherwise won't work)

It will help you in the meantime to learn to spot men like him.

But from then on you'll need to put that energy into yourself and what is about Greta that even allowed this to happen. What is it about Greta that would return today?

 

I've been you and after getting my teeth kicked in a few times, I started embracing the lessons that came my way.

I spent an exurbanite amount of wasted time trying to figure them out. But the real work was with me.

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The truth is..you never really 'had' him....or probably ever even a real 'relationship' you had nuances , and pieces..but not the whole gambit. It's not your fault.....just know, based on what you've described...this has been a lot of smoke and mirrors. I think there was much more going on with this other woman than he let on ..or will ever admit. Even while you were together.

 

Right now, I know it feels like you will never heal..but believe me, in a year you will look back and praise God that this happened. Just focus on you...and getting this toxic man outof your life forever.

 

Yes I bet he never ended it with her, because she was convenient...he only said he did because I refused to have sex with him as long as I knew he was still with her. Funny thing, he didn't even volunteer this information to me, it came up in a conversation, after I had just expressed feeling awkward about hanging out with him when he had a girlfriend and thinking of exiting the picture until he was single...to which he said "actually I had a conversation with her a few days ago and I told her I wanted to cool things off". When I asked how come he hadn't told me sooner, he said "it didn't come up".

Then, I remembered him telling me in the wintertime that she was going to go on a trip in July... guess what? The ONLY 2 weeks in our relationship where he called me every single night (without that one night off) was during the last 2 weeks in July, when she was away!

Deep down I knew she was in the picture all along, but every time I asked him he'd get annoyed and accused me of being insecure and told me he didn't need that kind of drama, so eventually I just dumbed myself down and chose to go with his version of events, because it wasn't as hurtful as the alternative.

I suppose she was a better source of narcissistic supply than me, so she is back to being his 'primary' and I have been discarded.

 

I'm sure if I had a conversation with her, it would be very enlightening!

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Time will heal and you will move past this. There are some really valuable lessons here.

 

My suggestion is to only spend a little more time figuring him out. (because we've all been there and telling you otherwise won't work)

It will help you in the meantime to learn to spot men like him.

But from then on you'll need to put that energy into yourself and what is about Greta that even allowed this to happen. What is it about Greta that would return today?

 

I've been you and after getting my teeth kicked in a few times, I started embracing the lessons that came my way.

I spent an exurbanite amount of wasted time trying to figure them out. But the real work was with me.

 

He has some sort of control over me, I don't know... And then, there's the fact that I'm lonely. I have no family on this continent, one very good friend and one fair weather friend, and that's all there is in my life. While with him, my phone actually rang! I would get text messages, I was no longer feeling lonely because he was around all the time. Now it's back to loneliness, and that doesn't help things at all. However, I have no energy left to go out there and make new friends, or do anything at all for that matter. I have become a different person, who has started taking anti-depressants to cope with life!

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He has some sort of control over me, I don't know... And then, there's the fact that I'm lonely. I have no family on this continent, one very good friend and one fair weather friend, and that's all there is in my life. While with him, my phone actually rang! I would get text messages, I was no longer feeling lonely because he was around all the time. Now it's back to loneliness, and that doesn't help things at all. However, I have no energy left to go out there and make new friends, or do anything at all for that matter. I have become a different person, who has started taking anti-depressants to cope with life!

 

What you describe definitely makes you vulnerable. Acknowledging that fact helps. It makes you vulnerable to people who will take advantage of you.

 

 

I know after a breakup, I typically feel this huge void. I believe most everyone feels the same way. It's like some black hole that I might fall into. I've learned that though the feeling is very real, it's also temporary. Each time it's different, but the void fills up eventually.

Never as quickly as we might like it to, but it does.

 

Imagine if all the time and energy you put into this jerk was spent otherwise filling up you life in other ways, where would you be now?

From here my guess is you can argue that the opportunities aren't available, but with the absence of anything else to do we somehow manage to find things to do and people to do them with. You invested too much into something and got nothing in return.

 

Not now. . but at some point, welcome this time alone to truly challenge yourself to do things differently.

I know for myself . . after a few months post break up, I look around and I don't know how I would fit a man into my full life. In spite of how I felt only weeks ago, I somehow managed to fill that painful void. I would have denied it at the time, but as long as you are consumed by a toxic relationship there isn't much room for anything else.

 

That and you are hurting right now. The only thing you can probably think of is how to make it stop. . and if making a deal with the devil will do it, then it doesn't seem all that bad. But you know better.

 

Ride out the hard part. . .and put one foot in front of the other. You got this!

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He has some sort of control over me, I don't know... And then, there's the fact that I'm lonely. I have no family on this continent, one very good friend and one fair weather friend, and that's all there is in my life. While with him, my phone actually rang! I would get text messages, I was no longer feeling lonely because he was around all the time. Now it's back to loneliness, and that doesn't help things at all. However, I have no energy left to go out there and make new friends, or do anything at all for that matter. I have become a different person, who has started taking anti-depressants to cope with life!

 

Actually YOU have control over your life..not him. He's gotten enough out of you.

Maybe it's time to dig a little deeper within.... Find new friends? Why are you giving your power to this man?

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What you describe definitely makes you vulnerable. Acknowledging that fact helps. It makes you vulnerable to people who will take advantage of you.

 

 

I know after a breakup, I typically feel this huge void. I believe most everyone feels the same way. It's like some black hole that I might fall into. I've learned that though the feeling is very real, it's also temporary. Each time it's different, but the void fills up eventually.

Never as quickly as we might like it to, but it does.

 

Imagine if all the time and energy you put into this jerk was spent otherwise filling up you life in other ways, where would you be now?

From here my guess is you can argue that the opportunities aren't available, but with the absence of anything else to do we somehow manage to find things to do and people to do them with. You invested too much into something and got nothing in return.

 

Not now. . but at some point, welcome this time alone to truly challenge yourself to do things differently.

I know for myself . . after a few months post break up, I look around and I don't know how I would fit a man into my full life. In spite of how I felt only weeks ago, I somehow managed to fill that painful void. I would have denied it at the time, but as long as you are consumed by a toxic relationship there isn't much room for anything else.

 

That and you are hurting right now. The only thing you can probably think of is how to make it stop. . and if making a deal with the devil will do it, then it doesn't seem all that bad. But you know better.

 

Ride out the hard part. . .and put one foot in front of the other. You got this!

 

Thank you! Before his return I still didn't have much to do, but I was content with my life as it was. The funny thing is, there are opportunities. I get approached by guys very often, but I find that annoying, I have no interest in getting to know anyone. Same happened before he re-entered my life, when I didn't even think I would ever have anything to do with him. It feels like basically he is the only man alive able to make me interested lol, which is absurd but it is what it is.

I hope with time I will feel differently. It would have certainly helped if he at the very least wanted to stay friends, at least something good would have come out of this. And I would have moved on easier. It's this total silence that has me unbalanced and confused, because why would he refuse a kind word, or to keep the lines of communication open, after everything we shared? Three days before he broke up with me he was still making plans with me for this winter, and was still telling me how he liked everything about me! How does any of that make sense, you know?

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