Moving in together with my almost one year boyfriend but one big issue

[BeenThereB4]

They amputate the first digit of each toe to declaw a cat. It is painful mutilation. Are you really willing to torture your cats for someone you've only known less than a year? It would be far kinder and much more responsible to give them to a loving home.

 

With that said, the cats are not the issue, your boyfriend is. He does not want to move in with you at this point. My husband is allergic to cats. He would have never dreamed of telling me to let my cat go. He wanted to be with me, so he made the adjustments to live in a home with a cat.

 

You wrote that moving in now would be a good way to develop your relationship later on. This means you are trying to push for an outcome far too soon. You need to let things happen in their own time. Pushing someone to move in with you now will not make them likely to marry you later. Also, just because his brothers are married with children does not mean that he is going to marry you. You need to stop fantasizing about a future that may never happen and start paying attention to what your boyfriend is telling you in the present moment.

[ThatwasThen]

Amputation isn't the only method to declaw: Tenotomy, is another option. It's not a declaw, but a surgical procedure where the tendons that operate the claw are cut, but the claw remains.

 

Thousands of indoor only cats have a claw procedure done annually. I don't think it's any worse then yanking off the gonads of male cat. *ouch* but that's done routinely now as well. *just sayin*

[j.man]

Not to derail the thread, but, while I'm not a particular fan of declawing (my cats aren't and won't be), I do agree with the whole rocks and glass houses argument when it comes to declawing vs. removing testes vs. cutting the uterus and ovaries out of an animal. Even if it were elective and we could guarantee the cat would remain inside, very few people wouldn't opt to have their cats' reproductive organs cut out and for obvious reasons. Similarly, some people simply won't own a cat that has claws. When you consider how many cats are euthanized every year, it sorta becomes a matter of the lesser of two evils. I don't think it diminishes the quality of life of a cat so much-- at least not beyond their very existence as an undomesticated animal (or barely domesticated, depending how you interpret matters) forced to live indoors-- that they'd be better off croaking, so I try not to crucify folks who do it. Again, speaking as someone who hasn't and won't.

[ControlDenied]

You can not convince him to like the cats anymore than he can convince you to get rid of them.

Never try to change your partner, you will be disappointed.

[JaggerJim]

Omg cats practically take care of themselves, he wouldn't have to have anything to do with them. They may rub up against his legs, but most people find that adorable. It's not about the cats, he just using that as an excuse!

[akrngrl]

It’s seems like y’all are at an impasse. Whether or not he’s using the cats as an excuse to not move in together or if he truly, genuinely doesn’t like them, you guys aren’t on the same page.

 

For what it’s worth, I have two precious gems, they’re fantastic and I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the whole entire world. I can’t imagine even considering getting rid of them to make a partner happy and/or willing to live with me.

 

Even if he’s stonewalling and using the cats that’s pretty terrible-especially since he has always known you’ve had them. Reading between the lines it sounds like this is all too much too fast for him so I would either pull back or reconsider this altogether.

[abitbroken]

I have a novel idea -- get a car. That will solve your logistical problem without pressuring the relationship or butchering up your cats.

[j.man]

I have a novel idea -- get a car. That will solve your logistical problem without pressuring the relationship or butchering up your cats.

Ignore abitbroken. She comes in here once a week drunk as a skunk with some cRaZy idea or another.

[abitbroken]

Ignore abitbroken. She comes in here once a week drunk as a skunk with some cRaZy idea or another.

 

its the NyQuil talking. does it every time

[lolita]

I m not trying to change him. Only want him to accept me as a full package. And sorry if I don't speak in "We" and only express what I want Bc that is the whole purpose of this thread ! I came to seek advices from all of you.

 

I agree with a lot of people here. Like he is probably not at the same page as me and wondering myself if the cats are a buffer.

 

On the other hand he is also the one telling me often let's start searching for the apt. Or you should just move in, in mine. Which I don't want because it's way too small for 2 ppl and eventually cats lol

 

I m not a big fan of declawing either but I would have to. They are kinda destroyers in that area...

 

I ll have a talk with him but it seems that we are both standing our ground.

I would have never imagined that pets could be a deal breaker as former bf never complained about it. I wish things were easier.

[boltnrun]

And why again can't you just move closer to him or he move closer to you?

 

Or is it that you just WANT to live together and that's the only option you'll consider?

[j.man]

I m not a big fan of declawing either but I would have to. They are kinda destroyers in that area...

I know I just posted about not villifying people who declaw, but you can also pretty easily just trim their nails. It's the hook in the claw that really does the damage.

[abitbroken]

I m not trying to change him. Only want him to accept me as a full package. And sorry if I don't speak in "We" and only express what I want Bc that is the whole purpose of this thread ! I came to seek advices from all of you.

 

I agree with a lot of people here. Like he is probably not at the same page as me and wondering myself if the cats are a buffer.

 

On the other hand he is also the one telling me often let's start searching for the apt. Or you should just move in, in mine. Which I don't want because it's way too small for 2 ppl and eventually cats lol

 

I m not a big fan of declawing either but I would have to. They are kinda destroyers in that area...

 

I ll have a talk with him but it seems that we are both standing our ground.

I would have never imagined that pets could be a deal breaker as former bf never complained about it. I wish things were easier.

 

people can come on strong but when things become a reality they back off if they are not ready

 

If you tell us that you want someone to accept you as the whole package....but you are willing to bend....then that's contradictory.

If a guy was crazy about you, was READY to make a commitment would say "well...since the cats are destructive - would it work if the bedroom was a no cat zone and we got slipcovers for when guests come over. We'll get metal end tables and put my nice italian leather chair in the bedroom. And if we can't solve the scratching thing - maybe we don't get more cats when these guys age and pass away"

 

THAT is a compromise.

 

Do you have places where they CAN scratch? They make a lot of new things now in the realm of scratching posts that are not the old carpetted nonsense. Almost like an emery board for cats. If you praise them for scratching in the right place and give them a place to scratch as well as toys - you will be better off.

 

honestly, i think that you should slow down. .. Get a car... who knows if you guys will be together in a year or two or be going strong. you can get to know someone more deeply by asking the right questions rather than just sheer quantity of time, btw.

[lolita]

Moving closer would be impossible for me as he lives in the center of a ridiculous expensive city and I wouldn't be able to afford the rent. Him coming closer to me would never happen because where I am there is literally nothing and he works down his block. So the commute would not be something he would consider.

 

As you have quoted abitbroken i have told him that "if a guy is crazy about a girl he finds solution and compromises " as above mentioned I had agree on a no cats zone for the bedroom and agreed on not having other pets if they pass away.

We speak a lot about what we want for the future and keep asking him whether he is on the same page as me. He keeps saying yes but then his actions like the cats buffer say otherwise.

 

I ve told him that he has stuck us on a corner and that we must find a solution ! It's litteraly draining me lately

[ballerinababe]

Do not declaw your cats! That is painful for them and they need their claws in case they get outside and have to defend themselves. Read up on it.

 

^This. "Declawing" actually is a nice word for AMPUTATION. It involves general anesthesia and amputation of the last joint of each toe, including the bones.

 

It would be like having the top third of your own fingers amputated.

 

This guy isn't ready to move in together anyway. How could you want to live with someone who tries to manipulate you into giving up your cats? He's just using the cats as a stalling tactic and it's highly deceptive and wrong. Has he really never told you that he's simply not ready to move in together, cats or not?

[DancingFool]

So why don't you back off forcing this move in together idea for say another 6 months and actually let him come to you about it instead forcing it on him to the point where he is using your cats as such an obvious buffer and you are driving yourself to exhaustion about it? Like totally drop the subject cold for the next 6 months. Not only not talking about moving in together, but no more future talk whatsoever and if he tries to bring it up, shut it down and change the subject.

 

Also, talk is cheap, look at his actions. He may talk about looking for apartments, blah blah blah but in actions, he is actively blocking the idea......

[dias]

Amputation isn't the only method to declaw: Tenotomy, is another option. It's not a declaw, but a surgical procedure where the tendons that operate the claw are cut, but the claw remains.

 

Thousands of indoor only cats have a claw procedure done annually. I don't think it's any worse then yanking off the gonads of male cat. *ouch* but that's done routinely now as well. *just sayin*

That is a common practice doesn't make it right. I don't understand people who think they are animal lovers but declaw or yank off the balls of their pets.....

[ballerinababe]

First off, you should get the "PetFusion Ultimate Cat Scratcher Lounge." Buy it on chewy. My cats love it and they never scratch anything else.

 

Second off, I agree you need to sit down and have a talk with your boyfriend about the direction of the relationship. Ask him candidly about his feelings. You may not be on the same page, period.

[abitbroken]

Moving closer would be impossible for me as he lives in the center of a ridiculous expensive city and I wouldn't be able to afford the rent. Him coming closer to me would never happen because where I am there is literally nothing and he works down his block. So the commute would not be something he would consider.

 

As you have quoted abitbroken i have told him that "if a guy is crazy about a girl he finds solution and compromises " as above mentioned I had agree on a no cats zone for the bedroom and agreed on not having other pets if they pass away.

We speak a lot about what we want for the future and keep asking him whether he is on the same page as me. He keeps saying yes but then his actions like the cats buffer say otherwise.

 

I ve told him that he has stuck us on a corner and that we must find a solution ! It's litteraly draining me lately

 

And you forgot the part about WHEN HE IS READY. He is not ready. The cats are a red herring.

But at the same time - you showing up in a big city you can't afford with your cats and saying "here i am!" is a lot of pressure, especially if you cannot afford to live in the city. Will you work at your same job? Will you have to find another one? Will you be qualified for a job that pays enough?

 

Being "on the same page" - what does that mean? you should be looking for a guy who is dating to find a future wife if you want marriage at some point and you agree about kids. "on the same page" doesn't mean "i need to find a guy who wants to move in within a year". if he is on the same page with you - it doesn't mean that he isn't just because he's not ready to make a change before a year is up. If he is in for the long game - finding a wife -- he is going to tread carefully and not just let you move in so that you can see him all the time.

 

Why is this draining you? There is no deadline - you are making a deadline - you want to hurry up and do this at your one year dating anniversary and its creating problems. If you are compatible and both invested, the next year can be spent getting to know eachother even more without living together.

 

What about you getting a car?

 

How far away are you actually? If you are 3 hours away, you have a point, if you live 20 minutes away = saying you don't see eachother enough is lazy.

 

If you are not able to afford rent, find a roommate. Especially if you are on the younger side, there are all sorts of situations where a few younger single women get an apartment together. I lived in a *very* expensive city - i actually chose to just live outside the city proper - but it was right on public transportation. I found a grad student and a young teacher who were happy to have me as a third roommate.

[ControlDenied]

I m not trying to change him. Only want him to accept me as a full package. And sorry if I don't speak in "We" and only express what I want Bc that is the whole purpose of this thread ! I came to seek advices from all of you.

 

I get it but you have to be willing to accept him as a full package, before you ask him to accept you as a full package.

 

Give, before you ask. Is a golden rule.

 

I’m guessing you want a fulfilling relationship for both of you. You will only achieve that once his happiness becomes a matter of selfish interest to you; and vice versa of course.

 

My advice is to focus on the quality of the relationship.... solving problems is a great indicator of the quality of a relationship. Learn to discuss and argue positively.

[ThatwasThen]

That is a common practice doesn't make it right. I don't understand people who think they are animal lovers but declaw or yank off the balls of their pets.....

Well, I you don't want your cat reproducing with his sister then ya have ta do what ya have to do.

[catfeeder]

Do not declaw your cats! That is painful for them and they need their claws in case they get outside and have to defend themselves. Read up on it.

 

Instead of living together, can't one of you move closer to the other?

 

I agree, declawing is especially cruel to adult cats. Research the process more, they actually amputate the 'fingers' up to the first digit. These are not destructive animals, and to put them through such a painful process just to appease some imaginary barrier that a guy is holding up to stall a move makes zero sense.

 

It's NOT about the cats. If you want to change things, move NEAR one another or get a license and a car.

[Capricorn3]

This has nothing to do with your cats at all. It's a simple case of he just doesn't want to move in with you, (not NOW anyway). He's not ready and he's happy with the way things are. The more you pressure him about moving in, the more you push him away. I would suggest you back off on the topic of moving in together.

 

Side note: This could also be incompatibility, you both want different things, different interests, etc.

[thorough]

W/this issue, I would def consider how compatible you are. I have a few pets and these will come w/me where ever I move to. When looking for a guy, he had to love animals, this was a requirement I was looking for because I come as a package w/my pets. If he never wants cats, can you live w/that?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately the solution you want (live together at your one year timeline then get married/have kids) is not his solution. You also refuse to move to his apt. because "it's too small". It seems you want him to make all the compromises which is why he's stonewalling you with the cats impasse.

 

It seems you're "not crazy about him because you refuse to compromise" on any level from your live together-marriage-kids timeline to your idea of an apt size, your area, etc. It seems you dictate to him quite a bit and want to remake his life according to your demands.

 

Admit he's not the right guy and you don't have the same goals or baby-clock pressures. He may be sensing that even if he acquiesces to your living together right now demands, then will come "where's my ring" then "when are we starting a family" then "where's my bigger house" etc etc.

 

"We" or he?:

i have told him that "if a guy is crazy about a girl he finds solution and compromises "

I ve told him that he has stuck us on a corner and that we must find a solution !