Moving in together with my almost one year boyfriend but one big issue

[MissCanuck]

I ve told him that he has stuck us on a corner and that we must find a solution ! It's litteraly draining me lately

But so have you, OP. You're pushing this one-year move-in, when it's clearly not what he wants right now. And he's pushing back. You're both doing it to each other.

 

I also think it's not very fair of you to tell him ""if a guy is crazy about a girl he finds solution and compromises " - what about your sense of compromise if the man is reluctant to live together at this point? If you are truly crazy about him, what about exercising a little more patience and recognizing what his hesitation means?

 

The problem is that you two appear to making this all about the cats, when really, that's not the issue. You are operating on different timelines. What difference will a few more months really make, for example? Why do you need to move in for your one-year anniversary? It's an arbitrary deadline. What will happen if your anniversary passes and you're still living separately? Speaking from experience, it's really not a good idea to move in together when one person has expressed reluctance. Just as you would resent him for having you declaw the cats, for instance, he would resent you if you push too hard and he moves in before he really wants to.

[abitbroken]

also think it's not very fair of you to tell him ""if a guy is crazy about a girl he finds solution and compromises "

 

I regret initially saying this because she disregarded the AND he is READY. He isn't ready to make sweeping changes for someone he has not even dated a year.

 

I stand by my initial solution.... BUY A CAR. The cats are not the problem (although working with them as suggested with proper scratching areas, etc goes without saying) and let the relationship progress a little more naturally. The problem is not seeing eachother enough -- and she thinks the solution is getting a place together. I would like to know how often they actually see eachother.

 

If the ultimate goal is marriage -- the "get him to move in with you so that he can't back down" does not work like you think.

[AnanthiM]

Just one year of your relationship and you moving to his house does not sound good. I think you need to wait for few more years. pets can be trained and then they are fun to be with.

[Pitmom61]

It's not about the cats. Tell him you decided to rehome the cats and your friend/sister/cousin/mom is taking them in a few days. See what new excuse he comes up with.

[abitbroken]

It's not about the cats. Tell him you decided to rehome the cats and your friend/sister/cousin/mom is taking them in a few days. See what new excuse he comes up with.

 

Its not really a problem with *him* - its her wanting to rush the relationship.

[lolita]

Hi everyone!

 

I didn't know that this thread will bring so many ppl. Some of you have really good insights other just don't read what has been stated previously.

 

I work in the city, my job will remain the same. I live in an island, the car would be more of a financial drain than being helpful.

 

The goal was to move in tgt once we have reached our one year . It doesn't have to be on the anniversary date itself! But at least making sure things are under progress! And start looking for potential apt!

 

His apt is way too small for a couple ! It's not that I want to be picky there other apt with bigger space for the same money and I will contribute to the rent too! So some of you who thought I would let him paid for everything, are wrong.!

 

A new home a new neutral territory half of my furnitures and half of his.

 

This weekend he had reiterated that if I wanted I could move in tmr to his apt but again not with my cats.

 

He spent the entire weekend at my apt with my pets and he couldn't stop complaining about them then next thing you know I caught him petting them! That baffles me !

 

As most of you agreed on. I will not even bring this conversation anymore and I will ignore it if he does bring it.

He knew where he had stepped in from the beginning of our relationship.

I was looking for a serious relationship and I had a baggage of 2 lovely cats.

If pets were a serious issue to the point you can't move in with someone you love that should have been his red flags not to date me!

If it was only for sex he could have found easily another girl with no pets !

 

Now I m standing my ground, I won't say a word and I will just watch and see what happens! If the outcome doesn't please by our anniversary date, I will look for a guy who doesn't have a problem with pets and won't be scared to move in after one year and would know what the word compromise means!

[boltnrun]

Why is it so vital that you move in together after one year? Is that a deadline you set, or did you agree to it together?

[abitbroken]

Hi everyone!

 

I didn't know that this thread will bring so many ppl. Some of you have really good insights other just don't read what has been stated previously.

 

I work in the city, my job will remain the same. I live in an island, the car would be more of a financial drain than being helpful.

 

The goal was to move in tgt once we have reached our one year . It doesn't have to be on the anniversary date itself! But at least making sure things are under progress! And start looking for potential apt!

 

His apt is way too small for a couple ! It's not that I want to be picky there other apt with bigger space for the same money and I will contribute to the rent too! So some of you who thought I would let him paid for everything, are wrong.!

 

A new home a new neutral territory half of my furnitures and half of his.

 

This weekend he had reiterated that if I wanted I could move in tmr to his apt but again not with my cats.

 

He spent the entire weekend at my apt with my pets and he couldn't stop complaining about them then next thing you know I caught him petting them! That baffles me !

 

As most of you agreed on. I will not even bring this conversation anymore and I will ignore it if he does bring it.

He knew where he had stepped in from the beginning of our relationship.

I was looking for a serious relationship and I had a baggage of 2 lovely cats.

If pets were a serious issue to the point you can't move in with someone you love that should have been his red flags not to date me!

If it was only for sex he could have found easily another girl with no pets !

 

Now I m standing my ground, I won't say a word and I will just watch and see what happens! If the outcome doesn't please by our anniversary date, I will look for a guy who doesn't have a problem with pets and won't be scared to move in after one year and would know what the word compromise means!

 

I think that you should not IGNORE him if he brings anything up. You should say "i thought about it - and i think i put too much pressure on you to move in with you by a certain date. I think its better to keep dating and get to know eachother better. I will solve the problem of not seeing eachother enough by doing XXX" vs just remaining silent while he assumes everything. XXX could be moving into an apartment yourself closer to him or it could be getting a car.

 

When i met someone i lived somewhere where i didn't need a car - but they lived somewhere a little out of the way where i couldn't get to it. Guess what. to see them more - i got a car! He was always coming out to pick me up but there were stretches where he couldn't come my way due to responsibilities near home - so i got a car and i drove to see him and we saw eachother twice the amount of time. the time he had in between responsibilities was enough time to see him, but not enough time for him to leave, spend time and race back.

 

if you live on an island, does he live on the same island?

 

I honestly think that its too soon to think about moving in together. Actually someone who DOES NOT want to move in by a year of dating is SMART and has good boundaries.

 

Why do people think 'moving in together is progress" come heck or high water. This is the time to get to know eachother. You honestly should just date and get to know eachother for another whole year and figure out if this is an appropriate man to marry down the road. If he is not - figure that out in the next two years and move on if he is not rather than trying to move in with him. If he IS - you will find out that by getting to know him better. You can't know someone very well in under a year's time.

 

As far as petting the cats - there are lots of people that don't want a pet but are NOT an unkind or mean person at all. They like animals. I have met people that have pets - although i have pets - i do not want to live with THEIR pets because they are too much for me to handle.

If your cats destroy everything - all your furniture is destroyed with scratching, etc, and you have a messy litter box all the time - i understand his point. You need to get a handle on the cats - i have lived with roommate's cats and had one a long time ago. Some of their destructive behavior CAN be solved with appropriate places to scratch, redirecting them, confining them away from a particular room when you are gone, etc, and providing mental stimulation and checking in on their health. Are they fixed? or are they spraying everywhere?

There are people who have cats and their home is like a museum - all the furniture is in top shape, etc.

[j.man]

I will look for a guy who doesn't have a problem with pets and won't be scared to move in after one year and would know what the word compromise means!

I think you're in for a rough ride. Make this whole move in after a year a main criterion and it's a near guarantee you're either going to scare dudes off to the point it'd probably have been more time efficient to be patient another year or two with the right guy or you'll fall victim to "be careful what you wish for" with a guy who is so eager to merge lives.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it seems he is not as serious as you are. Why is it his responsibility to find red flags when you seem blind to the fact that moving in in one year would never happen with someone who doesn't like pets?

If pets were a serious issue to the point you can't move in with someone you love that should have been his red flags not to date me!

[DaisyMayPorter]

Cats are awesome - they do not ruin furniture! Do not choose a man over your long term pets. Guess what - most likely if you get rid of those cats, it won’t work out with the man. If a man really loves you, he will also love your pets.