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The last thing I am is a golddigger, but...


Jesszastronaut

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I just made that title to get people's attention. Let me start off with this. I am 23 and my boyfriend of two years is 31. He is a pizza delivery driver who doesn't even have his GED let alone his high school diploma. I'm madly in love with him, but where he is at at 31 is kinda sad. All he spends his money on is coffee, weed, and a LOT of scratch tickets. I see him spending sometimes 20 dollars or more a day on tickets (money he doesn't have) and cuffing weed from people and paying them back a week later. He never buys me gifts, ok, once in a while a little something, but it's not really about that. I have financial troubles, but I always split my money 50/50 with him, even more sometimes. It's not fair. I just see him spending all this freaking money on scratchies and he has never bought me flowers in this whole two years. Even though I tell him my favorite type of flower all the time.. he never gets the hint. We talk about marriage and children, how the f***is THAT gonna happen when we can't even buy coffee in the morning most mornings, and have to scrounge for change under the seats. (Btw I am trying to get a job on a cruise ship right now, I have a reccomendation and an interview set up, I have my culinary degree, serv safe certificate, and my hs diploma.. I also went to massage therapy school.) it's just like I'm 23 and feel way more successful than my 31 year old boyfriend. Am I wrong? Idfk

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Does he live with his parents? Focus on your career and getting your finances in order. Do you live with your parents? You are completely incompatible as far as values, goals, lifestyle, fiances, ambition, drugs, etc.

 

It will continue to do nothing but breed more and more resentment. His priory is weed, not flowers :silly:

 

That should tell you all you need to know. You can't fix or change him.

he spends his money on is coffee, weed, and a LOT of scratch tickets. I have financial troubles. We talk about marriage and children, how the f***is THAT gonna happen when we can't even buy coffee in the morning most mornings, and have to scrounge for change under the seats. I have my culinary degree, serv safe certificate, and my hs diploma.. I also went to massage therapy school.
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Marriage and children will not motivate him to be better about his job and finances.

 

He apparently likes living in a precarious financial situation.

 

Are you or would you be willing to be the primary source of financial support for him and any children you two might have? Are you willing to give him money so he can buy weed and scratchers while the kids go without milk and diapers?

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The more you add to the story the more of a train wreck it seems, no? You can do much better than this guy. Set yourself free.

I do live wit my parents. I'm in the immediate process of moving out to ajob on a ship, also he lives with his grandmother doesn't have his own place and a deadbeat roommate who treats me like
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Ok - hard talk from an older gal. Think of me as a big sister talking to you.

 

There is a difference between loving someone - being crazy about them and choosing a marriage partner.

You can be crazy in love with a variety of people. But when marriage, you exchange vows. You make a commitment. If you made a commitment tomorrow to him, you would be acquiring a child and a responsibility and not a husband. You don't have to marry a millionaire, but you want to marry someone who shares some of your important values and someone who wants to partner in life with you. He will work against, and not with you.

 

What does he have to offer if he smokes weed and buys scratch tickets? Marriages break up because one party is irresponsible or does not share the same money views with their spouse. Both people don't have to make the same money at all, but if you are working and he is working but all of your money is funneled into weed, scratch tickets and coffee - what do happens if you lose your job?

 

Some men date younger women because they are stuck at a place in maturity - and he is stuck in the frat boy stage. You will outgrow this man very quickly.

 

Honestly i would not marry someone who was 31 and has no GED or diploma. If he had a hardship - or had a disability that made it hard for him - there is so much help now to accommodate. The simple fact is that he's lazy.

 

So - do you want to marry this man - and in 5 years - you will be working your rear off, have the cops sniffing around because he was caught selling or buying pot, struggling with infertility because the weed lessened his sperm production, getting angry because he bought $30 in scratch tickets instead of picking up a few groceries when you were sick?

 

There are guys who make a lot less than the woman and end up being an awesome "Mr. Mom" but this guy is a slacker. And he doesn't even care. When you leave him, he'll just find some younger party girl who finds it impression to be with an older guy

 

I know someone like that - he isn't into pot, but he never grew up and one girlfriend wises up and he just finds another one - the girlfriends stay 19-23 and he just gets older.

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What will make him do better 😔😔

 

He's not likely to do better while he's still doing the weed and scratchies. He is also unlikely to change his ways while you stay with him.

 

You need to wave this loser goodbye, for your own sanity. This is not a relationship with any kind of meaningful future

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You can not fix or change him. Nor can you bring him up again to be a different person. He is who he is. Everyone who is with a loser thinks they have found a diamond in the rough.

 

Love does not conquer all. You may have been enamored by his relative street smarts and age at first but that doesn't make him a Disney prince in disguise.

 

Hopefully you will get the cruise ship job and head off to a better future than being stuck with this parasite. will make him do better 😔😔

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... All he spends his money on is coffee, weed, and a LOT of scratch tickets. I see him spending sometimes 20 dollars or more a day on tickets (money he doesn't have) and cuffing weed from people and paying them back a week later….I have financial troubles, but I always split my money 50/50 with him, even more sometimes….Am I wrong?

 

This is what I see ^. Your boyfriend does not spend money wisely, BUT you chose to do the same if you are splitting your money 50/50 or more with him, despite having financial troubles yourself. I think if you are finding this situation frustrating (which is understandable), those feelings are you telling yourself to do something different. It's about you changing your behavior in response to what is happening around you, whether it is with another person, the weather, the economy, etc. Listen to your instincts, gut reaction, future self, or wisest self. And know this: love does not equate compatibility.

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What motivation does he have to "change" or "do better"?

 

Someone fronts him weed. He digs up money for "scratchies". He has a place to live (does he even pay rent???). He is in no danger of having to go without shelter, food, drugs or "scratchies".

 

Someone who has all those things provided for them and doesn't care about being independent or providing for themselves will not "do better". He just doesn't care.

 

So, again, unless you are willing to be the main financial support of him and of any children you two might have, and unless you are willing to pay for his weed and "scratchies" while also paying for everything for the kids and for yourself...no matter what it is you "love" about him, he isn't the right one for you.

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Sorry but this is on you. It's not like he was CEO of a multinational firm when you met him and is now delivering pizzas as a fresh twist. The guy has been plenty transparent about who he is and where his financial priorities lie. I could go pick up a homeless woman who spends her change on booze and it wouldn't matter if the entire forum thought she was a screwup. Fact is I chose to be with her and forfeit the right to complain.

 

This is who he is. Take it or leave it.

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He is clearly not going to change. Yet you are enabling him giving him money and putting up with his drug and gambling addictions. You have some serious codependency (google it) issues that you need to fix or you risk wasting your life on losers.

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What will make him do better 😔😔

 

It's not your job to make him do better. Your obligation is to yourself. This guy is basically a loser at 31, you seem to have ambition and drive and goals so go for your dream, get that cruise ship job and have a good time at it. You want to go places, he is in a massive drug induced rut and it won't get better for him til he's ready to. Which may be never. Get free of him.

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Since when does not wanting to have a partner who is financially irresponsible translate into one being a gold digger???? Answer - it doesn't.

 

It's one thing if the guy were bettering himself in any way, but this guy just sounds like an overgrown man child coasting through life on some dream about winning the lottery. And even if he did he'd likely end up with a serious drug habit and no money, so really that could be the worst thing to ever happen to him. Financially irresponsible children in adult bodies waste any and all money windfalls or fortunes given to them. Every damn time. Case in point, when he has any money what does he do with it? Save up or pay bills? Nope, he's out there spend, spend, spend on crap that doesn't matter.

 

If you want to know if a partner is worth it in life, imagine you both stuck in a house in the middle of nowhere with a crying sick baby, no car, no heat and what would your partner do? If the answer is, "Get a ride from his friends to go bum some weed, complain about how you can't afford to go to the doctor, and leaves you and your sick child at the house while he's out getting high and buying lottery tickets to see if you all can then even afford to feed your baby," I think you know this is not the guy you want to marry.

 

It's one thing to be money motivated only, but it's quite another to simply want a partner that will have your back and that you can build a life with where you know you both can survive together just fine and provide for a family, because you're both grown adults who can be counted on to do the right thing.

 

You don't have that. He is not that person.

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He treats me like dirt

 

Nevermind that he's broke with no ambition, you should dump him for this^^^.

 

Excuse my ignorance, but how do you continue being madly in love with a guy who treats you like dirt?

 

Completely confused, can you explain the rationale?

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