Are these huge red flags?

[Alex39]

He opened up to me on our first date that he had been put on a depression medication last year. He went to his buddies house to hangout, had one beer, and it mixed with the medication making him not fit to drive. He didn't know this until he nailed another car. The cops immediately arrested him for driving under the influence of something, not alcohol. His level wasn't high. The reason he uber's everywhere and makes me drive is because he is required by the court to have a breathalyzer in his car every time he drives for a short while, as everyone with this charge is. If he eats too much spicy food, the car won't start. If he drinks green tea, the car won't start. If he has one beer while we are out to dinner, the car won't start. He is honest and up front with me. I liked that he was open with it. He said he wanted me to hear it from him and hopefully not judge him.

 

I was in turn open with him about a driving charge I have from last year.

 

His charge is worse. He has the breathalyzer, and he's on driving probation for two years and he is forced to attend special classes weekly for people who have driven under any sort of influence, drunk or not. I don't judge him, because he has shown me he is at least responsible with me. He treats me well and respects me and he is very dedicated to his job and he takes care of his dog diligently. He keeps himself and his space very clean and isn't a dangerous person, by any means. I drove behind him on one of our dates. He was a good driver. I would let him drive me. He said after everything, he won't ever get into a car and drive even having one beer, as even though one does nothing, you never know what could happen.

[boltnrun]

I'm concerned you want "a boyfriend" badly enough that you're not truly seeing HIM.

[Wiseman2]

He's lying to you. Green tea, really? All alcoholics lie about how much, how often and how innocent they are.. Stop being his chauffeur. They don't require an ignition interlock device if this were true 39;6814872] The cops immediately arrested him for driving under the influence of something, not alcohol. His level wasn't high.

[Alex39]

He's been honest with me from the start. He will tell me his car won't start because he's hungover. He told me that a few times now. He drove all the way to my house the other day, sober, since he drove, and I drove us around, because he is embarrassed by it. When I went all the way out to his house, I drove us around too. He had already been out earlier that day with his car, so he could drive it, but he's embarrassed by having to breathalyze in front of people. I don't blame him. He mentioned how the other morning he was going to work and he drank a green tea for breakfast. He said he figured tea was safe, since it was tea, and how his car wouldn't start. He works with little children. He said the machine in his car checks for alcohol, but it calculates sugars, wheats etc... which can be in common alcohols. But can also be found in regular foods. He doesn't drive when he drinks, he just ubers, which is safer. But he says he's had some certain foods that hive high contents of stuff also found in alcohol, like wheat in beer, and his car won't start. He's very embarrassed by having to do this. He's mentioned this a bunch of times.

 

I give people chances. I am not perfect. I told him about my driving record. He could think I am not a good driver, but he doesn't judge me for it, because I am a good person, as he has gotten to know me somewhat now to see I am not a reckless person. He keeps saying that I'm so sweet and innocent. He's a good person to me so far. He's nice, fun, very smart, and respectful. So he did make a mistake in his past, and I acknowledge that, but he's trying to be the best he can be now. He's a dude, and likes going out for beers on a Saturday with his buddies. I'm going out drinking tomorrow with my friends and planning on having a heck of a night with them. I just don't do it every single weekend as he has been. Hopefully he doesn't any longer as he says he doesn't want to. He also likes sitting in, eating takeout and watching a movie. He told me loves cooking and hiking and a lot of other things that have nothing to do with drinking. So far, nothing he has done has affected me in any way. He's been a gentleman. If something doesn't seem safe or right where it affects me, then I will have to take a deeper look at how or if he fits into my life.

[Alex39]

I don't know. I'm sitting here making plans with my friend for tonight, trying to get out of my head. Its so hard. I literally can't get out of my head. Its driving me crazy. Like we texted last night, and when I read them back, all of it seems fine. Then this morning he responded to me. I responded back, not making lots of conversation, and he never responded, which is fine. I thought he'd want to make another plan with me.

 

I also think I have nothing to talk about with him, because I have nothing going on. All I think about is him. I don't want to be this way. I was this way with my ex when we first started dating, and I know this new guy is different, because my ex didn't want commitment, but I think I made things harder because I was in this obsessive mindset.

[boltnrun]

You have nothing going on but waiting for him to text you back?

 

Do you think this is healthy?

 

And if not, what do you plan to do to change this?

[Wiseman2]

It's more 'embarrassing' to drive drunk 'in front of people', cause a crash, (hurting or possibly killing innocent people/children), be arrested, dragged off in hand-cuffs, have your car impounded, be convicted of drunk driving with hard evidence in a court, pay hefty fines...and have a criminal conviction on your record.

[Jibralta]

He opened up to me on our first date that he had been put on a depression medication last year. He went to his buddies house to hangout, had one beer, and it mixed with the medication making him not fit to drive. He didn't know this until he nailed another car. The cops immediately arrested him for driving under the influence of something, not alcohol. His level wasn't high. The reason he uber's everywhere and makes me drive is because he is required by the court to have a breathalyzer in his car every time he drives for a short while, as everyone with this charge is. If he eats too much spicy food, the car won't start. If he drinks green tea, the car won't start. If he has one beer while we are out to dinner, the car won't start. He is honest and up front with me. I liked that he was open with it. He said he wanted me to hear it from him and hopefully not judge him.

 

He does drink liberally, though. I remember he made an early date with you so that he could day-drink with his friend. It's not the worst thing, but it's not nothing.

[Wiseman2]

Know red flags when you see them. He's still boozing despite being arrested and convicted. He claims he was set up because he was taking antidepressants. Does he use minimizing language such as "pulled over for drunk driving"? You get 'pulled over' for failing to signal,etc. You get arrested for drunk driving. They don't send you on your merry way with a ticket and a mail-in fine.

I give people chances.

 

"DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for Alcohol Abuse:

(A) A maladaptive pattern of drinking, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by at least one of the following:

 

Recurrent use of alcohol resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home (e.g., repeated absences or poor work performance related to alcohol use; alcohol-related absences, suspensions, or expulsions from school; neglect of children or household)

Recurrent alcohol use in situations in which it is physically hazardous (e.g., driving an automobile or operating a machine when impaired by alcohol use)

Recurrent alcohol-related legal problems (e.g., arrests alcohol-related)

Continued alcohol use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of alcohol (e.g., arguments with spouse about consequences of intoxication)."

[Batya33]

No need to judge him. Just decide whether in this particular situation you see potential with someone who committed the crime that he did and that he still drinks now. Judging would be choosing never to speak to him or associate with him because he did this - but choosing not to get romantically involved seriously with someone because he committed a certain type of crime isn't judging -it's deciding that person isn't compatible with your values. The three times you met him he treated you with respect so to you that balances out his recent drunk driving arrest. That is your standard. You are entitled to that standard of course.

[Alex39]

I can only go off of what he tells me. He doesn't drive drunk now and claims he would never ever do that. He seems genuine to me. He also seems like a very safe person from the times I have been with him in person. He never says he was pulled over for driving drunk. He calls it his arrest. He'a ashamed and embarrassed of his arrest. He tells me. And how people saw his name in the paper, and it was right down the street from where he works. Its clearly something he's ashamed of. I don't have an issue with it. If he was driving that way or getting drunk a lot where it affected me, then I would re-consider. He always goes to work and prepares stuff for his work day. He never misses a special occasion and doesn't let neglect any responsibilities he has, so I am okay with him getting arrested in his past. He calls everything that happened with him and his fiancee his past life. I can live with that. He doesn't plan on getting arrested ever again.

 

I'm trying to work on my comfort level. I was just hanging out with a friend and she was telling me how she was the same way with her now boyfriend. They dated for 4 months, without labelling or having a solid commitment. They weren't seeing other people though. But she said she was always anxious and nervous when they didn't text and have set plans, but then he always called her and texted her, and eventually she got used to having someone reliable around. She and I both are the same where we had toxic past relationships which cause us anxiety. We aren't used to being treated well, so we immediately jump to conclusions and overthink. She said she did it all the time and was always worried, but it faded and then they got into a relationship. I'm hoping that happens with me too.

 

I sit back and think of it and I don't know why I keep doubting that he likes me. I keep getting worried, he is going to disappear or meet someone else. That could happen, but many of my friends and family have said that if he was going to do that, he would have already, and probably not made it to date 4, and he wouldn't have trekked all the way to my house to spend time with me. And he does some future talking, which is positive. He's currently in the process of moving out of his place and into somewhere for an interim until he finds an apartment. When he came to my house, he told me how nice it looked, and he asked if I decorated it myself. I told him yes. He then said how I will have to help him decorate his new place. Doesn't sound like someone who doesn't like me and doesn't want to see me again. I keep thinking that, but I'm just making stuff up in my head. He told me he was so happy he snatched me up before all the guys online got to know me. He even said the other night when we were cuddling how he loves cuddling and being vulnerable and intimate with someone, especially when he's in a relationship. Again, doesn't sound like a guy I am not going to hear from again. I still really haven't heard from him today, but thats okay. I'm trying to stay very chilled out about it. I have good stuff planned for this weekend to look forward to starting tomorrow.

[Wiseman2]

This sounds like way too much too soon for 3 dates.

[Batya33]

Watch the feet not the lips - what he does not what he says. If he wants to see you again he will either call you and make a time place plan to see you and show up or if you decide to ask him out on a date he will respond with enthusiasm. Reading onto heat he said about the future and commenting on your house is irrelevant. Not because he could be lying - he might mean it genuinely in the moment but a person who wants to date you with future potential wants to make sure he has a plan to see you so you don't get snapped up by some other guy. So get busy socializing with men and women so you don't miss out on opportunities to meet people while you wait for somenoen you've had three date with to ask you out for a fourth date. Many people change their minds after three dates and most often it's nothing personal. He might ask you out and he might not by the only true fact you know right now is that you have no plans to see him again.

[Alex39]

Yeah you are right. Actions speak louder than words. Our in person stuff is what matters, and actually making plans. Words are words. I guess its just nice to hear some potential future plans and nice talk. My ex was touchy with that stuff and wouldn't do it, so its a bit exciting. But if I learned anything from my ex that actions counted more than anything. I did just end up shooting him a text. He hasn't responded, but thats okay. Just have to see where this goes. Hope I get to see him soon. I think I will.

[Alex39]

I shot him a text last night just trying to seem like I had a long busy day. I sent"Ugh after the day I had I need a massage lol."

 

He responded with "Uhhh well I'm not a pro, but I could help."

 

I hope I didn't make it weird. I laugh about needing massages all the time, so to me its a joke. Then I said "Haha if only you lived closer. I'm sure my heating pad and some wine will suffice just fine. Hope your day was good."

 

He never responded. I'm sure its just because he is busy. Since we've started talking, he always responds the next day to me, if he doesn't the night before, so I'm not as much worried that he won't respond. What worries me is we still don't have plans yet. My mother keeps telling me that it seems like we probably won't hangout this weekend, but will probably hangout again next week during the week, so not to worry. I guess I just figured he'd want to see me soon. And I'm busy this weekend so I only have some slots of time open to see him. I guess I need to cut him some slack, he's been moving this week, back in with his mother until he gets his new place in order so he can be back on his own.

 

I have to remember what my friend told me. She said her and her now boyfriend were like this. They dated for four months before being in a relationship. She said he only texts her when they are making plans, or when he has something he has to tell her, otherwise they wait until they see each other in person. She said she freaked out a lot at first too, because she felt like it was a lack of communication and it make her scared, but she said she soon got used to him just being a guy and texting not being a priority, so she said eventually she got over it. I need to do the same. I might eventually bring up plans. I am hoping I am not coming across with the clingy vibe. Thats why I've been sitting back just waiting for him to do it. But he hasn't yet. My friend also reminded me that guys are single minded. If he is at work, he is thinking about work. If he has something else on his mind, he isn't thinking about plans. So I suppose she is right. I'm unsure if I should bring it up or just wait it out.

[Batya33]

If you choose to sit back -do it -no more texting with suggestions of a massage. No, guys, like people, are not single minded to the extent that they will not make plans with someone even if work is crazy busy. If he wants to see you he will find the time to make a plan to see you or tell you that he cannot see you this weekend and make sure you know he is interested in seeing you ASAP. Most of my dating was done before cell phones and internet -the busy guy had to call you on your landline or office line and try to reach you before Wednesday night. For awhile I didn't even have an answering machine at home. And the ones who wanted to see me had no problem reaching me and making a plan to see me. Or calling me just to talk. My husband made plans with me two weeks in advance when we'd just decided to reconcile because he knew he'd be traveling/out of town and he wanted to make sure I'd be available on the Saturday night he'd be back in town. My sister's husband sent her a telegram to work to ask her out for the second date because back then in the 1980s we worked at a place where we couldn't get phone calls - she met him through a personal ad and this was for the second date. And he was super busy.

 

If someone wants to see someone else, it doesn't matter if they're crazily focused on school/work/moving etc - and gender doesn't matter either. It's impossible - when you really want to see someone -to not think about the fact that you want to make sure you get to see that person. Sure maybe in a life/death emergency - of course -but in a typical crazy busy work week plus moving homes and your water heater broke - doesn't matter a bit. And now people can put reminders on their phone (I do that all the time) so that when your friend gets that text "hope your surgery went ok" and she told you about it 6 weeks ago -she is thrilled that you remembered. But actually you made sure to put it on your calendar back then. Why? Because you care about your friend and want her to know she is cared about. If "guys" could find that time and have that memory back in the 80s and 90s it's so much easier now.

 

So, stop. You had three dates. He might be interested in seeing you again and he might not. Assume that he is not going to ask you out again because the reality is he hasn't and prodding him with sexually suggestive texts starts to reek of desperation. Please live your life and make sure you do one thing today to interact with someone new whether on line or in real life, whether woman or man.

[Alex39]

Yes, I totally agree. I didn't mean the massage thing in a sexual way, but I easily see how it could be taken as desperation and sexually fueled. It was stupid. I'm worried I messed things up because of it. He probably doesn't even care, and probably fell asleep. My friends think I'm overthinking it.

 

I turned my phone off at work for now. I will probably check it once later. I need to let him chase me a bit now. I need to sit back and fill my life with my life, and not him and his. He has called me on the phone to make plans with me a few times now. We only planned our first date through text and then the second was on the phone. The third was through text and this last one was on the phone. So hopefully he will call me this weekend and make some upcoming plans. I need to stay confident. Its just so hard. I feel like I am chasing him, when I need to sit back more. I don't know where this shifted into me being like this. I was fine after our first two dates, and then after that I seemed to switch into the insecure unsure person who needs reassurance.

[faraday]

You weren't "fine"after your first two dates lol that's how this thread has turned into 13 pages.

 

It's apparent that having a bf is the most important thing to you...even though you're clearly emotionally not in a good place to date....so I'm out. The advice you've received on here has been pretty consistent, and you continually ignore it...because a bf (any bf that will have you) is the most important thing and I feel like I'm hitting my head against the wall as read your desperately sad and repetitive posts. It's crazy.

 

Good luck to you.

[Batya33]

He shouldn't chase you and you shouldn't chase him. He should ask you out on a date (wouldn't be opposed to you asking him but you've been so forward about your interest might be time to let him do the asking this time) -time/place if he is interested in having another date with you. Right now assume he is not interested in having another date with you because he hasn't asked and live your life.

[Alex39]

So he asked me when I was free in the near future. I told him I was busy Friday and Saturday during the day. So we made a plan and I went to him Saturday night. When I walked in the door, his dog was jumping all over me and loving me. He was walking down his stairs and he just stops and looks at me and laughs at the dog and he says “You like her boy, yeah you like her. I really like her too.” And he just looks at me with this cute grin face.

 

We decided to go get food, bring it back, and cuddle and watch a movie. We pull up to get food, and its pouring rain. He offers to just run in so I didn’t have to get all wet. Very gentlemanly of him. I offer to split it with him, but he isn’t having it. He says I can repay him with a kiss before dinner, during dinner, and after dinner. We are sitting cuddled up and watching the movie after we eat. We take a few little breaks to make out heavily. He tells me periodically throughout the night that he really likes me.

 

At one point he stops me, turns us so we are facing each other. He says he wants to make sure we are open and on the same page with each other. He starts it off with a joke “so you don’t want to get married tomorrow right?”

 

I say “of course not.”

 

He says good, and he goes on to tell me how he loves monogamy, and he is a huge relationship person. I mean I sort of figured this, he was in a relationship with the same girl from high school for over 10 years. He says he doesn’t want to rush anything emotionally too fast. And how he’s down with us being physical, because he loves that, at my pace, but emotionally he is going to have to move slower. He says he is emotionally fragile and he doesn’t want to rush anything. He tells me how when he likes someone he really really likes them and he becomes this big softy and just throws himself into that person completely and he tells me how he thinks he is way more emotionally fragile than I am. He tells me that he gets super attached. We both talk about how we have only been with one person seriously. He tells me how much he likes that of me, and he likes that I don’t have more experience than him, as it makes him feel a lot better. We both agree that we are monogamous people. He tells me he isn’t a hookup person at all. I am not either. He then tells me that he will fool around with me and cuddling is a must, as he loves that, but he is comfortable with anything I want to do. He says he doesn’t care if we just want to cuddle and kiss a bit and that’s it. He then says he doesn’t actually want to have sexual intercourse until we are in a relationship as that’s just his rule and standard he likes to keep. I agree and tell him I have similar standards and usually like to be more exclusive with a person before having any intercourse. He re-iterated again how he likes me and is starting to care about me. We continued to laugh about how we are both in a similar boat, only being with one person seriously, and having sex with one person only. And being very similar in how we want things to go.

 

We continue to watch the movie and cuddle. We end up making out. Clothes come off. We end up naked. We go up to his room. Make out a ton. Cuddle a lot. Do some frisky things, but no sex. We both laugh at the fact that we have no idea what we are doing and how crazy we are, but that we are glad we are on the same page. I ask him if he is seeing other people and he says no he isn’t. At one point I got a cramp in my back, as I hurt it the other day working out. He was very nice about it, rubbed it for me, and was very understanding. He offered to get me some water and some pain killers. I told him no, but he got it for me anyway, as he insisted. It got so late and we ended up falling asleep together. We woke in the morning, did some fooling around again. It was very mutual. We had fun. We laughed about how by the fifth date most of our friends have already had sex with someone in like every position, but here we are naked and just touching. He said he liked waking up next to me in the morning. He offered to take me out for breakfast. But I said I needed to go, because I had a family obligation and didn’t have the time. I asked for a raincheck for breakfast. His place was halfway to my family’s house. So I drove the rest of the way and spent the day with my family. He texted me later in the day asking when I was leaving their house. I told him I was leaving in the evening. He then said that I should pit stop at his house again on the way back to my place, since it’s on the way. He wanted to see me again. So I stopped again at his house. We cuddled, watched a movie, and did some more sexy time. We spent half the time just cuddled in his bed just talking and laughing together, and just getting to know each other. I did go home after, because we both had work in the morning. He was cute. We were talking about how much we love cuddling and how naked cuddling is ever better, because it’s the skin contact that just makes it the best. He then said he would literally just pay someone to cuddle him, and how he would love it. Then he says, “But I mean its way better when it’s with someone you are starting to care for.” I told him that I like that we are on the same page and I am okay with not rushing into anything, but I also don’t want to wait forever. He said he understood. I also told him how we aren’t just going to hangout in bed all the time, as I am not just some girl to do that with. He laughed at me, and told me that he doesn’t think I’m just some ty girl, as I was only with one person in my past, and had not been with anyone in over a year. And he again said how he likes relationships and monogamy and not just hookups. I told him I want to continue to go out on dates and do fun stuff together out. He said he totally agreed and he was on board. He reminded me that he likes monogamy and relationships so he wants to do all that stuff too. He joked that as long as we end up naked after our dates sometimes. He meant it as a funny joke, and I agreed.

 

So here I am. I’m pretty content. I am having fun. I am seeing where this will go. We seem like very similar people, which is great.

[Alex39]

And he told me he deactivated his facebook account. And when I went and looked, it is gone. He told me he did it because he felt like he didn't just have any pictures of just him to post up and felt he should take it down since it was all pictures of him and his ex. He also told me he thinks his mother would really like me. Always a good thing. And he told me how he does like to drink and party, but it’s mostly a façade. He almost explained it to me where it sounded like he didn’t really know what to do with his single self so he turned to going out with his buddies and drinking. When we were cuddled up and watching a movie, he told me he’d way rather spend his weekends and nights like this more than anything than out partying. But it’s not super cool to admit that to people. He then told me his friend invited him to a graduation party, pretty much a frat party on Saturday night. He said he told his friend he had a date with me, and his friend insisted he bring me along. He said he declined and was not going to be taking me to some frat drinking party. Then we were joking around and I since he went to my house last Tuesday and I went to his Saturday, he was saying how he’s my Tuesday night guy, and I’m his Saturday night girl. When I stopped by again Sunday, he then said how now we were each other’s Tuesdays, Saturdays, and Sundays. I thought this was a cute thing to say.

[katrina1980]

amkxoxo, gotta hand it to you girl, with all your over-thinking, over-analyzing and chasing, it looks like you have snagged this guy! Good for you.

 

As I have posted, and advised you to do as well, I would have nexted him early on, and it's never been my style to "chase" but hell maybe I should stop nexting and start chasing and something solid and good might work out!!!

 

I think I may have actually learned something valuable here.

 

Anyway continue to have fun and enjoy!

[Alex39]

Thanks for that. I mean we aren't in a relationship, but I think we are both interested and he said he isn't seeing anyone else.

 

I'm not into chasing. I still am not into chasing even after these few weeks with this guy. To me, its situational chasing. There's a difference between chasing and showing interest. I read this article and it really helped me /

 

I chased my ex. Literally chased him. I made all the plans when it was clear he did not care if he saw me so I ran for him to make up for his lack of effort. I made sure I was where he was. I didn't make any plans with anyone else, and cleared my schedule for him to have all my time open in case he wanted me. I chased him. I stopped living my life for me, and started living it for him.

 

My friend met her boyfriend online, and she asked him out first. He said he liked that she took initiative and seemed interested. She had an independent, "don't waste my time" vibe to her.

 

With this guy, he seemed like he was looking for a relationship. I knew he had anxiety. I knew he was not the best with planning and coordinating. He also was trying not to push/rush me and wanted me to be comfortable. Now that I know him a bit better and we've exchanged stories, I see that he literally has no idea what he is doing with dating. He even told me, and we laughed that neither one of us know exactly what we are doing. I know a bit more than him since I dated when I was older. But he was with someone since he was 16, and has no idea how to exclusively date someone. And, he's afraid. I see him more clearly now.

 

He did keep asking me out. I think he was part unsure and part busy with his life, and I freaked out over nothing overthinking. I spent a long time with him this weekend. We aren't talking today, and I'm sort of fine with it. I don't feel like I need that reassurance as much as I used to. I still have a tinge of something underlying, but I am trying to keep it at bay. Months from now if we are still in the same spot with how we are now, then I will start worrying and overthinking then that we have not progressed. I'm more comfortable with the fact that he likes me and I like him. We are mutually on the same page as of right now.

[katrina1980]

Well to be frank, there were a HELL of a lot of red flags early on, with him being a bit dodgy, with the two FB accounts and....

 

then your second date (the hiking excursion during which he paid more attention to his dog, then shooed you off to spend rest of day with his friend drinking) and then the third date plan of going to a movie in the morning, ending at noon so again he could spend the rest of the day with his friends drinking.

 

I would have definitely nexted him after those things, but as I said, you hung in and continued pursuit (i.e. showing high interest).

 

I don't know, with all the games and "tests" people put each other through, perhaps he was testing you, who the hell knows.

 

Anyway, that's all I meant.

 

But look at you guys now, he seems to have done a complete 180 so heck you must have done something right!!

[SherrySher]

There is a way to be somewhat safe and then there is killing the start of getting to know someone.

 

If some man did that to me, I would run like the wind. I would be so freaked out over him going to those lengths that it would feel like I was being stalked.

 

What you did was not only wrong, but freaky and over the top.