Are these huge red flags?

[Batya33]

You are not dating exclusively, right? It sounds like his focus is multidating. You don't want to confuse names when juggling.

 

His focus should be multidating which is a great approach to finding a long term partner or spouse. When I took that approach I kept a list of the names of the men I was meeting so I got their names right. Other people miltodate because hey onlybwant something casual bitvtypically if that is done through online sites the focus is sex or hooking up not mitigating. If someone is going to the trouble to multidate through dating sites and is not pressuring for casual sex chances are he or she is looking for something serious.

[Jibralta]

We were texting yesterday. He asked about our plan for this Saturday.

 

Now we had mentioned doing something, but we never said a date or time.

 

I asked him what he meant. He said for us to go do the activity we had talked about. Then he tells me how he is going to a movie with his friend and they will probably be drinking too so we will have to go out and do our activity and grab some lunch before that. To me, that was very clearly stating his priority for the day. Like let me squeeze you in and then I'm going out with my friend.

 

That's lame. Definitely keep your options open.

 

I don't want to seem uninterested, but I go all girly and desperate when I try to show some interest.

 

Nothing wrong with being girly.

[Batya33]

Showing interest means when you talk to him on the phone ask him how he's doing and ask follow up questions. Show up look nice and be nice - basically - on the date. Say yes to dates with enthusiasm that he plans in advance and show enthusiasm when he agrees to make a specific plan. Flirt in person so you can see body language and energy. Texting doesn't show interest in getting to know him for a potential romantic relationship. Many people text just because they have time to kill or for fun.

[boltnrun]

You're confusing texting with "interest".

 

Anyone can take a few seconds to text. It requires virtually no effort. Making plans, sticking to them, driving to YOUR area to see you, THOSE things require effort. But a few taps on a phone...nope, not effort or "interest" or "feelings".

[Alex39]

So I wanted to give a brief update. Made plans with the guy. He wanted to take me bow shooting. It was definitely a new experience. I was nervous and excited. I told him so. He texted me in the morning confirming plans and warning me that he is moving out of his place, so there are boxes of stuff everywhere. I drive up and met him at his house. He was right about the boxes and the moving. It was a bit messy. But I've moved many time before, and I know how it is. He showed me basics about the bow and arrows at his house. Then we went to a local place to shoot some targets.

 

He had given me some options, but I figured bow shooting would be good because he’d have to show me and touch me and it could maybe get us closer. When I showed up at his house he told me I had the cutest bow shooting outfit on he’d ever seen. I tried to dress down, but I am girly so I can’t help looking girly. He seemed to like it. We went and did the shooting. It was so fun. He stood behind me and held me and helped me. I loved doing something new. Afterwards he suggested instead of going out, we make something at his house. I was all for it. We went back and he cooked me dinner. We sat outside and ate and talked. It was an overall just good time. I played with his dog a bit. It was getting to the time where I was going to be leaving, so we were hugging and then it just naturally happened and we kissed. Then we kept kissing. He stopped for a second and said “third date rule right?” Then we were making out. Then he suggested we sit on the couch, so we made out a bit there. Then we parted ways.

 

It was just a great day, and a great third date. The day after, Sunday, we texted a bit, and I revealed some more stuff about myself. It was stuff I was really proud of accomplishing, but kept under wraps because I am a very humble person. He couldn’t believe I didn’t tell him about it and I told him it was because I am not one to brag about anything. He said he loved that and that humility was very attractive to him.

 

He called me Sunday night and we talked for 2 and a half hours on the phone. It was great. We laughed and chatted away. He kept saying really cute things to me. He said he loved taking me bow shooting and how cute I looked, and he liked being able to show me and put his arms around me when we did it. Then we were talking about movies and different things we enjoy, and I mentioned a movie I really like. It happened that he loved that movie too. Then he said something like “I’m so happy that I talked to you and snatched you up, before all these other guys got to know you first.”

 

He also kept mentioning how cute I looked and that he is going to have to step up his game, as he only wore shorts and a t shirt. I told him no way, and that I like being casual and comfy. My friend told me this was him searching for a compliment from me, but it went way over my head, so I didn’t say anything.

 

We made plans on the phone. He is driving down to my house this afternoon after work. We are going to grab some food, take a walk, and just hangout. More kissing. He said he liked that part, and I agreed. He then asked me what he should bring as he was not going to come empty handed. I asked him what he meant by that since, we were going to get food, not make it. He said “well what do you like, Wine? Flowers?, I have to bring you something.”

 

It was so nice. We talked so much on the phone Sunday that Monday we literally had nothing to text about. It was kind of dull. Today we haven't spoken at all, since I think we both know we will be seeing each other tonight.

 

I’m happy. More confident now that we have kissed. I’m excited and I keep smiling throughout my day every day. After everything I went through with a severely toxic relationship in the past, this is normal, and sweet, and he isn’t pushy. He’s nice, and he seems to like me. I’m so excited to see him tonight.

 

I still have some anxiousness deep down in my belly. Afraid that it’s all going to come crashing down. But my friend reminded me that you take that risk when dating and it’s worth it. I agreed. It’s terrifying and exciting at the same time.

[Jibralta]

Yup, there's always a risk that things won't work out in the long run. But at least you're having fun. Aren't you glad to have moved on from that guy that only texted and would never see you?

[Batya33]

There's nothing to come crashing down - all it is is a few good and fun dates with a new person. That's great and very early days. One date at a time . Please stay centered and keep perspective. That way you'll have more fun getting to know him. Of course dating is a risk and also requires a thick skin. But the more you can self-talk to remind yourself that the excitement level is based on a few dates the better.

[Alex39]

We had another great time last night. We went for a long walk, ordered some food, and then cuddled on the my couch. Cuddling led to making out, which I was totally fine with. I enjoy that sort of thing. He asked if he could take off my sweatshirt. I said sure, as I had a tank top underneath. He asked if anything else could come off. I said “Not today.” He said that was totally fine and he was just checking and going at whatever pace I wanted to.

 

He did it in a respectful way, as to not disrespect me. He asked if my last relationship was the only person I had ever been with. I said yes, and he told me his fiancee was his only person too.

 

I told him I am in no rush, and he told me that he’s fine with whatever I am comfortable with. He said he isn’t opposed to some naked dance parties though or waking up on a Sunday making breakfast and then hoping back into bed, eventually when we get there. We laughed and chatted and made out some more.

 

We were texting last night and he asked if he was too forward. I said no and told him he was not. He said he loves cuddling and that sort, and more, and that I will probably never push his boundaries, but he might push mine, and if I feel like he is, then just to tell him right away.

 

I liked that he said that. I told him that I enjoyed our make out session and that I am quite shy so sometimes need a nudge occasionally. I then told him how I don’t want to rush anything, but I liked my time with him very much.

 

He said okay, and said he was still down for naked dance parties, whenever it worked for me.

 

I thought this was okay. He’s going at my pace, and he’s okay with it. Which makes me happy.

 

I guess I’m nervous as hell about it. He was with someone for over 10 years and she was it for him. I was with my ex-boyfriend, but I still feel myself being quite inexperienced.

 

And then, I mean our make out session was hot. We are very attracted to each other. We have chemistry. This was our fourth date. I don’t want to wait too long for sex, but then I don’t want to jump into bed with him, without a little bit of exclusivity. Like what is an appropriate time to decide to do this? How long do I wait? How many dates until sex? We have been talking for over a month, but only seeing each other in person for two weeks. When I look at two weeks of dates, it doesn't seem long at all. It seems too early for intimacy. I was into it. I was turned on last night. He was very too. I want him to respect me. And so far he seems to already. But I don’t want to be seen as someone who jumps into bed too quickly. I do want a relationship in the long run.

[Batya33]

What worked for me was to wait at least 3 months, and we'd be exclusive, in love and with strong potential for marriage. Also we both would get tested and not having been with anyone else for the time it took to make those tests accurate. Also we would have discussed what would happen if there was an accidental pregnancy. I am not suggesting that you do the same. I am suggesting you get clear on what feels comfortable for you and what is compatible with your values. That might mean casual sex, monogamy but not exclusivity, waiting until you're married or engaged, whatever. But get clear about it in advance because you tend to get anxious/nervous - and whatever you decide means that he is not pressuring you. It is your decision.

 

Sounds like the first few dates have gone well - hope you continue to enjoy getting to know him!

[Alex39]

Yeah I'm trying to keep up my standards. I feel weird now because I feel like we've been heavily making out and last night we got touchy feely, which I love, but we didn't go further, which he was fine with. I just don't want to keep him hanging and waiting for a long time, because I think that can easily turn into a turn off. Especially because we have chemistry and our makeout sessions are really good.

 

We aren't in a relationship, but I got the vibe that he might want to be, or we are headed there. Just because on Sunday he was singing to me on the phone about me being his girl. But I mean to me that meant very little, and last night when we were making out he said something about how he loves cuddling and all that sort of stuff (sex) a lot when he's in a relationship.

 

But we haven't actually had a "what are we talk." I think it sort of early for that. Maybe another week or so. He hasn't outright said anything about us being exclusive, so we aren't. I noticed he seems to be never logged onto the dating site barely at all anymore. It will tell you when someone was logged in, and his says not for a while, which is a good thing. We keep talking about things we are going to do down the line, which to me is a good thing. Talking about going to this restaurant, going to the beach, naked dance parties, etc...

 

I like him, and he seems to like me. I can't wait to see him again. I want to kiss him, and talk to him, and cuddle. I love cuddling and touching and having not only an emotional connection, but a physical one. Not just sex, but just touching, holding hands, having them close to you.

 

Like today I feel like I keep trying to make conversation and like I'm trying way too hard. I need to stop. I feel like I'm just chatting away just because I want to talk to him, but we don't have anything solid to talk about really today. I want to make another plan with him for something soon. When he left my house he said "We will talk and figure something out." I think I'm just overly excited and we have such good times, that I can't wait to see him again, but it hasn't even been 24 hours since I saw him and I need to chill out a bit. I feel like we should be making plans for the weekend.

[Batya33]

I think you have to work much harder at not reacting to your feelings by acting in a potentially clingy way. He is a new person in your life. If you want to show that you care about him, show him that you are not going to react to being overly excited by overly texting/contacting/chatting - let him get to know you at a reasonable pace, like a multi-layered package.

 

I think waiting is a huge turn-on as long as the couple are comfortable waiting - increases desire and anticipation as long as both in the couple are fine or comfortable to wait. If your standard- as you put it - is that if there is chemistry and one night of good makeout sessions that it's not a good idea to wait too long to have sex then that is your standard, that is fine, and you also will know the risks associated with that standard. To you the risks of waiting are that it would be a turn-off. If that is how you feel, then that is how you feel (no matter if I disagree or anyone else does).

[boltnrun]

If you're running out of things to text, maybe it's time to put the phone down and do something else to keep you occupied.

[Alex39]

I know. You are right. I'm getting excited and wanting to rush things because I'm excited I met someone who seems to be so good so far, and we have chemistry, and we seem to like each other, that it does have me feeling a bit clingy and wanting to rush things. I'm already thinking about plans and when I can see him next and I feel like I am absorbed in him. I think about him constantly and I like him a lot. I feel like I am slightly losing myself, which I've done before and I know isn't good. I need to do something to fix this. I'm trying hard. I keep trying to make plans and see other people. I find myself only wanting to think, talk about him, and us and where we are and what he said and what it could mean. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I think I was a bit clingy today with the texting and I was trying way too hard. I sat back and realized that we don't have to text everyday all day long. Its new and we just saw each other. Plus, we can have other things to talk about when we do see each other.

 

I do want to wait a while to have sex, until we are exclusive. I just have always been that way. I like to know the person is seriously into me and into being in a relationship. We have had 4 dates, in two weeks, and a month of talking. I hope in another two weeks we can maybe talk about what we are and where we are going.

 

I hope he wants to see me again soon. My friends and family think I am crazy and that he definitely likes me, and seems to respect me, and he would have disappeared a while ago already. So they think I'm crazy to think he may not want to see me, they all think he definitely will.

 

I need to distract myself with something else. And stay level headed. I feel like my head weighs a million pounds. I need to keep my cool, enjoy just dating, stop overthinking, trying to rush, and let him get to know me like you said a multi layered person. I am multi layered. He seems to like the little bits and pieces I tell him. New little interesting things I give away each time. I keep future thinking and its getting me all crazy. I need to chill.

[Batya33]

One first meet, three dates - "talking" is irrelevant beforehand -he was a stranger then that you mostly typed to. Please don't start rushing things by adding in time talking with and meeting a stranger. It was a month of talking also because he didn't want to put in the effort to meet you. Even if he had -it's the dating in person time that counts. He has asked you out on 3 dates so far. That's good, and that's not yet a relationship.

 

You've met this person four times. You own pairs of socks longer. Separate your feelings of excitement from allowing your actions and choices to go overboard. If you don't have time/place plans for a next date there is no next date. And that is fine too -enjoy the memories of the fun you had and the chemistry you felt so you can move along with your life and use the info to learn from and build from. Or, have fun on the next date. Absorprtion - very harmful to any possibility of being with this guy if you act like this this early on.

 

head in the clouds but feet on the ground.

[Alex39]

Yes, I totally agree with that. Trying so hard to anchor my head to the ground and just enjoy it for what it is at the time. I think I'm excited because I already feel like I sort of have a boyfriend, but I keep reminding myself that I don't. I don't want to be clingy, and needy, and not have a life. He has all these great stories to talk about and things to say, because he has an active life outside of him and I. I have one too, one which I must maintain and value. I have good family and friends whom have been there for me above all else, and way before him.

 

I feel like sometimes I don't have stuff to say to him. Like yesterday I was trying to force conversation. Now that I look back, it was stupid and he seemed preoccupied, so it was me just trying to talk to someone with their head turned the other way. I should have given up until he seemed more engaged to talk. I blame me, not him. He's at work, and so am I. He's busy. My work is in slow season, so I am not as busy.

 

Last night he started texting me and I could immediately tell he was more present and wanting to talk. We started flirting. Talking about our make out session. I told him to guard his neck, as I do like giving hickeys and he can't get in trouble at his work He told me he would love that, as he will have to button up his shirts a little closer to his neck. He then told me that next time we make out not to wear a huge hooded sweatshirt. I laughed and agreed. He loves being naked. Like he has told me so many times that he loves walking around his house in his undies and just being all naked. I think its adorable. I am fine with it, eventually. I told him we will get to that comfort level eventually. He said he's totally fine with that. I love kissing him, and cuddling, and I know personally, when I am cuddled up with someone, its vulnerable for me, and I tend to be more myself and be more free to talk and be open, which I think is good as it gets me closer to the person. But I don't want our whole thing to be based on lust. We are clearly very attracted to each other. I think we had attraction on out first few dates, where we didn’t even touch.

 

When we finally kissed, it was fireworks. Which is great. I mean you don’t want to kiss and cuddle with someone you aren’t emotionally attracted too, but I want it all. I want mental, emotional, physical.

 

So then, we are talking and flirting last night. He then tells me to tell him some fun facts about me. So I ask what he is referring too. He says any fun facts, but he was hoping for some personal stuff that can stay just between us. So then he opens it up by telling me he loves to cook alone in his apartment in his underwear. So then I tell him I often dance around my place after a shower in just my towel. He then tells me he does the same, but ditches the towel. I laugh. Then I tell him I like to wake up on Sundays, make breakfast, chill in my bed, and listen to a particular song. He didn’t answer. I’m sure it’s because he just fell asleep.

 

My thing is I feel like I have nothing interesting to say. Like I have some weird quirks, but they aren’t things I would want to be kept just between he and I. Like I don’t sleep naked. I wear just ratty pjs. I don’t have any interesting or crazy things that I do on the regular. I don’t cook naked.

 

I like being naked in my own home, and I do strut around some times, but I struggled with weight all while I was growing up, and it’s always made me a bit self-conscious. But I don’t want to tell him that. I have an ongoing medical problem which occurred after I had an injury years ago, and its personal, but I don’t know if I should tell him that either. And I don’t think those are the types of things he is looking for anyway. I feel like that is deep stuff, but not interesting stuff. He wants to know about cool quirks I have and things no one else knows, but I truly don’t know what to say.

[Batya33]

"I feel like sometimes I don't have stuff to say to him. Like yesterday I was trying to force conversation."

 

Yes because what you're doing is leaving nothing to the imagination -no mystery, no subtlety. You're not letting him get to know you at a reasonable pace - if you reread what I suggested above -let him get to know you like a multi-layered package - blitzing him with texts and sexting is going to backfire just like you're seeing -forced/boring/running out of things to say. That is not a good way to get to know any person much less someone with romantic potential. It's good to leave each other wanting more -more information, more laughs, more conversation. Leave it mostly to in person time. Do not give in to or indulge your neediness to be in touch constantly - that's not about you caring to know him -that's you being self-absorbed and contacting him because you want reassurance.

 

And this is true even if he is ever your exclusive boyfriend. Why the heck would you share personal information about your medical issues or preference for nudity with someone you've met three times in your life? That has nothing to do with connecting or bonding with a brand new person in your life - that's manipulative too because you'd be doing that to try to "bond" - try being the operative word.

 

Take a huge step back from this and stop the rationalizing as well and the "trying" - just do, don't try. You can do this - keep your eyes on the prize -a person who might be interested in getting to know you better and might in the future act on the potential he sees right now. Don't snuff it out with your needy, self-absorbed behavior. Choose self-confidence, choose space, choose living your life and choose a centered approach. It requires being a giving person - meaning, giving him the space to get to know you, it requires self-restraint and discipline and if you want an eventual boyfriend (whether him or someone else) and not a sexting chat buddy who's going to get bored of all the forced conversations and come over just to hang and hook up then it's worth it. If the short term gratification of spilling all your quirks, secrets and giving in to your neediness for an insta-relationship is more important to you then choose that. It's your choice.

[Alex39]

No I again totally agree with what you are saying. You are right. I do text him out of reassurance and not to actually talk to him. I need to keep this in my head, so I can easily identify it and stop it in its tracks. I think I don't exactly know what to do when he asks me to play 20 questions with him or asks for fun facts? He's asking because he's interested and wants to know. Like last week we hung out in person. We had a good time. Then the next day we were texting, and something came up in conversation. I revealed something about my past that is very impressive. He kept saying he couldn't believe I hid it from him and didn't tell him. I told him it never came up in regular conversation and I wasn't going to bring it up as a bragging thing. He was so impressed with me. It was a hidden layer, and once revealed, it intrigued him. I want this to keep happening. I knew that was an impressive thing to tell people. An accomplishment of mine. I guess another layer, way down the line would be my medical issue. But I don't know how many other layers I have. I feel so uninteresting, because I am overthinking him and myself. He seems interesting and has stories and a life, and I seem boring. I think I am putting all this pressure on myself to be interesting. I am trying too hard. I forget that he has to try too. He has to win me over too. Its a mutual thing. It doesn't just have to be me trying to win him over. He has to keep impressing me for me to stick around. That is where I need more self confidence. I have a lot to offer. I have a lot going on. I am interesting. He needs to put effort into keeping me around, and learning about me. So far, he's been doing great with this. So no need to panic or seek reassurance. We have been on 4 dates. We seem to like each other, and things seem to be pretty good as of now. No worries. I need to stop worrying and just start living. I have friends coming into town tomorrow night whom are staying with me. I need to focus on what is, instead of what isn't yet.

[faraday]

I feel like the quirk thing is...him wanting to create intimacy but not understanding how. I mean, it takes time to build intimacy. Quirks are the things that you find out about each other gradually, not something you list off. Intimacy isn't one of those weird numbered lists that people post on fb.

 

My husband knows dozens of things about me that no one else knows...but that's because we've been together three years, been living together for 2 years, and married almost one of them. He's seen me at my absolute worst (my mother is dying), and I've seen him at his absolute worst (being laid off because of oil prices, and unable to find a job for almost a year). We've bought a house together, we raise my (our) daughter together, we host parties together, planned a wedding together...I've held him when he's cried because he felt like a failure for not being able to provide for us....and he's been my mental health advocate when I've been so depressed I couldn't even get dressed in the morning. THAT'S intimacy. That's knowing someone.

 

These "quirks" are fake. Unless he's making sandwiches, cooking naked is dangerous- things can burn you. I mean, sure, tell him quirks...but they're really meaningless when you get into the nitty gritty of a relationship. I love that when there's a thunderstorm, my husband grabs our duvet and drags me outside to sit on the swing under the awning (all bundled up) to watch the storm. He thinks it's endearing that I have 15 pairs of eye glasses and several sets of keys because I lose them constantly. But those things aren't important really. They don't define me or him, or our relationship.

 

But I mean, if it's really important to you, google "cute quirks" and find some that resonate with you.

 

But...stop thinking so much. Seriously. When you find yourself feeling anxious or missing him, just think "I barely know this guy." And push down the thought until it goes away. Then plan something fun to do with your friends...book an evening course in something you're interested in. You seriously need to love your life...or you'll become one of those horrible clingy partners that everyone regrets dating.

 

Your thoughts become your actions. You control your thoughts. So control them.

[Alex39]

I feel like the quirk thing is...him wanting to create intimacy but not understanding how. I mean, it takes time to build intimacy. Quirks are the things that you find out about each other gradually, not something you list off. Intimacy isn't one of those weird numbered lists that people post on fb.

 

My husband knows dozens of things about me that no one else knows...but that's because we've been together three years, been living together for 2 years, and married almost one of them. He's seen me at my absolute worst (my mother is dying), and I've seen him at his absolute worst (being laid off because of oil prices, and unable to find a job for almost a year). We've bought a house together, we raise my (our) daughter together, we host parties together, planned a wedding together...I've held him when he's cried because he felt like a failure for not being able to provide for us....and he's been my mental health advocate when I've been so depressed I couldn't even get dressed in the morning. THAT'S intimacy. That's knowing someone.

 

These "quirks" are fake. Unless he's making sandwiches, cooking naked is dangerous- things can burn you. I mean, sure, tell him quirks...but they're really meaningless when you get into the nitty gritty of a relationship. I love that when there's a thunderstorm, my husband grabs our duvet and drags me outside to sit on the swing under the awning (all bundled up) to watch the storm. He thinks it's endearing that I have 15 pairs of eye glasses and several sets of keys because I lose them constantly. But those things aren't important really. They don't define me or him, or our relationship.

 

But I mean, if it's really important to you, google "cute quirks" and find some that resonate with you.

 

But...stop thinking so much. Seriously. When you find yourself feeling anxious or missing him, just think "I barely know this guy." And push down the thought until it goes away. Then plan something fun to do with your friends...book an evening course in something you're interested in. You seriously need to love your life...or you'll become one of those horrible clingy partners that everyone regrets dating.

 

Your thoughts become your actions. You control your thoughts. So control them.

 

Yes, I love every part of this. I think that's why I'm a bit anxious/confused, because here I am thinking I am not interesting enough, but it’s really hard to list of personal things I do, because things are situational. My ex knew all little things/quirks about me, because he slept over, and we spent time naked, and we talked until 4AM in bed, and he held me while my mom was ill and we laughed when funny things happened in my apartment. I think this guy is really trying, which I appreciate. I am giving him so much credit because, so far, he’s been doing all the right things. He has never really dated. He met his ex in high school, when they were like 16 and she was the only person he has ever been with for over 10 years. I think he’s trying hard with me, because its new and uncharted territory for him. I have dated, and been out with guys in my 20s. He seems to know what he wants, and I know what I want. I think that’s important. He even mentioned it to me, that it seemed very clear I knew what I wanted in a man. I do. I think me being 25, and him being 29, that it is important to know what you want, what you will take, and what you don’t like and be open to communicating that. So far, we haven’t had any huge hiccups minus him re-scheduling a few times. He and I are very similar. I think we both are a bit shy, but then also quirky and nerdy. I think we both have similar values it seems. We both are responsible and good people. We both love cuddling and being touchy feely, which is also an important key. He has made it very clear a bunch of times that he is going at my pace, and he is comfortable waiting to be more intimate etc… Which I respect highly and I think he’s genuinely honest about it.

 

When we were cuddling on my couch the other night, I caught him staring at me. I asked him what? And he asked what back. I told him he was staring at me, and he acknowledged that he was. He was staring at me like my ex used to stare at me in this enamored way. My ex and I didn’t work out, so I mean it sort of freaked me in that way, but I like it. It was sweet to catch him doing that. And then when I would look at him, he would pucker his lips at me in a cute way, signaling he wanted me to peck him. And I would. We did this multiple times, while watching tv, when we weren’t making out. It was perfect. I enjoyed every minute of it. I loved just cuddling and kissing and talking, and being a bit vulnerable.

 

I’m a strong person. My last relationship was so toxic. He was manipulative. He drove me into depression. I lost myself completely. And then I picked myself back up, dusted myself off, and found myself again. I focused on me, my life, and what I wanted out of it. When my ex came back into my life, I was me. I wasn’t his puppet. I said what was on my mind, and wasn’t going to be disrespected. He didn’t like that very much. He lashed out at me and said mean things to hurt me. I was done. After that ended over a year ago, I spent some time re-evaluating my life, where I was headed, and what I wanted. It was then I realized what I wanted for myself, what I wanted in a man, and how I wanted to feel when I was with that person. I want to feel strong, confident, comfortable, cute, and just me. Just myself. I need to remember all that I went through, and remember what I am looking for in a man and in myself. As I am getting to know this new guy, I feel myself being reserved, because we are still getting to know each other. But I feel slowly myself opening up to him in some ways. I feel myself being more me every time we hangout. I need to stay out of my head, and stay into me. When I am not thinking so much in my head and planning and future thinking, I can just enjoy.

 

I have to remember that he seems to like me a lot. When we are together we have that tension, chemistry, and it’s evident. That is what matters. Texting doesn’t matter. I as a woman do like talking and texting, but guys don’t think of it as much as we do. He probably doesn’t care as much about what I said I had for dinner as I do. I keep overthinking about what I said and what he could be thinking, when in reality as a man, he’s probably just focused on work and what he’s going to eat for dinner. I need to value the time I have spent with him, and will spend actually with him as important, not all that stuff in between. I need to let go of stress and worry, because me worrying doesn’t actually change anything.

 

One thing I thought was interesting is that the last few weekends, when he didn’t hang out with me, he was off drinking with his buddies. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, of the weekend he was drinking. He mentioned to me that there was many next morning’s where he was hungover and didn’t feel well enough to drive. The last few days he has told me multiple times, how he wants to cut back on drinking and reel in his partying ways. I liked hearing him say it. And I liked that he said it multiple times, making it more important to him, and that he felt he wanted to tell me. Now I don’t know, but a little part of me wonders if it’s because of me. I like drinking, but I don’t drink heavily like he does. Some mornings he was so hungover he didn’t feel he could drive. Maybe he’s seeing that being that way, he is missing out on things and spending time with me, where he could be feeling good.

[faraday]

Regarding cutting back on drinking...This is who he is. Right now, he's a guy that goes out drinking every weekend to the point that he is unable to drive in the morning. He's 29- not 22. There is a huge change in maturity in that time period. I can tell you as a 33 year old- the people that I know that behave like this...always have and probably always will. By the time 30 hits, you're pretty much ingrained in your habits. So...I wouldn't bank on him changing. See him for who he is, not who you'd like him to be, or who he says he's going to be. If you're cool with him drinking that much...that's fine. But don't expect him to change because he met you...or expect that he'll change after marriage, or after moving in together, or after kids. The forum is riddled with people that are in unhappy relationships because they thought their partner would change- aka "grow up"- but don't. Keep your eyes open.

[Alex39]

I like him for who he is now. He treats me well and respects me, and so I am fine with his drinking. He was the one who said he wanted to make a change, which surprised me, and seemed interesting since we just starting going out. He goes to work, has a good job, pays his bills, and is responsible for himself. I am okay if he wants to go out and have some drinks or beers with his buddies. I actually like that he was with his ex for 10 years. He didn't cheat, he went out and was extremely loyal to her. I like that he was committed to her for a long time, which means he is open to doing that again. He has mentioned a few times things about relationships etc. He seems to want one which I like a lot. Because I want one too.

[Batya33]

Review all the times you use the word "seems" in your posts. Seems is accurate for someone you've met a handful of times in person and who was a complete stranger prior to that. As you get to know him you'll see if what he says about wanting to change is reflected in actions.

 

Why does he have to win you over or vice versa? Is this a contest or a potential relationship?

 

As one of my favorite talk radio psychologists used to say (she passed away last fall but you might want to check out her Dating for Dummies book -you are not a dummy of course -that's just the title!), you never have to answer a question you don't wish to answer. So if he wants to play 20 questions simply tell him "sounds fun, maybe another time" or "why do you want to know?"

[Alex39]

I think I say "seems" a lot because I keep pondering him and his intentions. I don't want to have to win him over, and he has already impressed me enough where I want to see him regularly for dates still and he clearly wants to see me. I mean we spend a lot of time talking about all stuff we eventually want to do, get more intimate, visit new specific restaurants, hangout at the beach, go bowling, etc... So I need to stop being so worried. A guy wouldn't be all into that if he didn't want to see me again. Plus when we have talked about doing certain things, he and I do them. We talked about dinner and drinks, we did it. We talked about hiking, we made it happen. We talked about takeout and couch cuddling, we did it. So everything we've talked about he and I have done. Its reliable and I should feel more secure.

 

Like today we aren't really texting. We have nothing to talk about or to say. I'm okay with that. I think its because we don't know each other well enough to be able to talk all day every day like my friends do with their boyfriends. I want to play 20 questions and have fun times talking, texting, as well as in person. But I think, I get so in my head about what to say and how to be interesting and intrigue him and what he wants to hear.

 

I'm a little anxious that we are not making any plans upcoming, as its Thursday and this weekend is coming fast. Not that I think we won't, but why have we not? I feel like I keep mentioning it, and he likes when I mention it. He almost acts like he isn't sure if I want to see him again, and then when I mention making plans, he is like relived I want to see him. Its funny. He even says it. "You want to hangout with me again?" And then he gets cocky and starts asking me why I want to hangout. He likes to hear me say that I want to see him again. Then he's all into it and he makes a plan with me with no issue, but I don't want to keep mentioning it, because I think I look desperate to see him. My friends tell me that, it doesn't seem desperate and that I need to plan my time, and I am showing I am interested by asking about plans, and its not crazy to mention it. [[/i]

[Wiseman2]

Agree.

Regarding cutting back on drinking...This is who he is. Right now, he's a guy that goes out drinking every weekend to the point that he is unable to drive in the morning. He's 29- not 22.

Is his license suspended/revoked? Combined with this and his need to take uber or have you be the chauffeur on dates 39;6792650]My friend and I did more digging online and found he was stopped last year for driving under the influence.

[Batya33]

Here is how I would think about it (to repeat).

 

You've had 3 dates. He asked you out 3 times. So far he has not asked you out for a fourth time. That means that there is no fourth date. That could change in a heartbeat but that is the situation right now no matter how many sweet words/compliments/flirting he does - actions are what matter. So, accept that you had a great time getting to know him and going on 3 dates. Accept that it's fun to feel chemistry and click with someone. Accept that right now there is no fourth date and that is ok. And if that changes, then you can look forward to another date. There are no signs that are relevant to him being interested in dating you unless he asks you out on a time/place plan for a date or you ask him and he accepts enthusiastically.

 

I had many men talk about our future wedding/children/vacation/places we would go/what kind of diamond he wanted to propose with, early on, because at that moment -assuming he wasn't intentionally lying -that is how he felt in the moment and he genuinely believed we would do those things. I enjoyed the flattery and compliments but NO WAY did I think of it beyond that or as a sign that he was interested in seeing me again. I made myself focus on - I will know if he is interested in another date only if he asks me out on another date. And if we didn't have a date planned and it was approaching Wednesday night I made sure not to be in regular contact with him -if he wanted to continue having conversations he'd have to act on his intention to see me again in person.

 

I personally would not date someone who had driven drunk so recently unless it was a mistake (meaning diabetic with alcoholic breath/accidental overdose of a prescribed drug, like that) - because I was looking for a future father of my children and a person who chooses to drive drunk would IMO not care enough about the safety of pedestrians and other drivers. Not that recently and not unless he'd been through treatment/AA and had solid reasons why he would never, ever do something like that again. And no I don't buy "everyone makes mistakes" when it comes to driving drunk as an adult. I'm glad he was stopped before he hurt someone.