Are these huge red flags?

[Lostinlove31]

There is a way to be somewhat safe and then there is killing the start of getting to know someone.

 

If some man did that to me, I would run like the wind. I would be so freaked out over him going to those lengths that it would feel like I was being stalked.

 

What you did was not only wrong, but freaky and over the top.

I ran from a woman who did those same exact things. My mistake way to many chances...

[mustlovedogs]

I'm a little late to the game. But is he really claiming he got arrested without alcohol in his system but something else?

 

I saw on a jury for a DUI. Did you know you can take those to trial? The plaintiff was drunk, but he was arrested for touching his car keys to turn the music off when the cop pulled up. We found him not guilty.

 

Moral of the story: his record would be clean if he was innocent.

 

Also, not passing breathalyzer tests in the morning with any frequency is a huge red flag.

 

Also, every one of your posts is a small novel. That tells me you're obsessing far too much for a guy you hardly know.

[Lostinlove31]

I'm a little late to the game. But is he really claiming he got arrested without alcohol in his system but something else?

 

I saw on a jury for a DUI. Did you know you can take those to trial? The plaintiff was drunk, but he was arrested for touching his car keys to turn the music off when the cop pulled up. We found him not guilty.

 

Moral of the story: his record would be clean if he was innocent.

 

Also, not passing breathalyzer tests in the morning with any frequency is a huge red flag.

 

Also, every one of your posts is a small novel. That tells me you're obsessing far too much for a guy you hardly know.

She definitely got heavily interested quick

[Batya33]

Sounds like you're having fun and I would continue to take this one date at a time. I like that he is not rushing intercourse since he claims to move slowly emotionally and to be emotionally "fragile". I did a little double take at your description of things as if you two were already in a relationship. I'd back up a lot since you tend to get attached and then act in a clingy way. Glad you had a good time with him and that he did too and treated you with respect.

[Alex39]

Yes, I am heavily trying to take it slow. It’s hard because I'm excited. We both like each other and are catching feelings, so it’s exciting for me. But I tried and am still trying really hard to think of it one date at a time, and it’s been working wonders for my emotional state so far. I'm much happier, less obsessive, more focused on my life and my job. I do think about him, but it’s not in the worrying way I was before, it’s in a positive way. I think about him in the exciting way of wanting to see him again, when we make another plan. I'm in no rush for a plan, a few days would be fine, since we spent so much time this weekend. We need some time to live our lives separately. I feel like he gave me the clarity I needed. We aren’t in a relationship, but dating, as in planning and going on dates. He needs time and doesn’t want to rush but still wants to see me. I am okay with this. We are having fun and getting to know all those quirks, as I said before, when we spend more time together. I like cuddling and fooling around a bit. It has shown me that we are compatible physically, which is always good, and I feel more open to talking and being myself that way. I don’t want nor need to rush. I am struggling with wanting to and having a rushing mindset. But I just need to enjoy when I am with him, and not think about it when I am not. Harder said than done as my brain is always going. But I need to focus on having more positive and happy experiences with him.

[katrina1980]

amkxoxo, I am gonna cut you some slack here, cause the early stages are always pretty nerve-wracking, especially when we are REALLY into someone. At least in my experience anyway.

 

It's easy for us to say "don't get too invested," but the truth is, when we REALLY like someone, feel that spark, that energy, it's hard not to!

 

The important thing is to manage our emotions so as not to come off to clingy, etc. Best to try to stay calm, centered.

 

Also, again when we REALLY like someone, feel that energy and connection, which IMO one cannot control we either feel it or we don't, often times we tolerate things we would never tolerate from someone we were NOT so much into.

 

I know I tolerated A LOT from my ex in those early stages (six year guy, NOT the recent guy (the attorney) whom I dated Oct-Jan) because of how into him I was.

 

Now I go to complete opposite extreme and don't tolerate ANYTHING, and just next these guys.

 

But then again, if truth be told I was never all that into them (except one guy but won't go into that) so perhaps that why.

 

I dunno just bouncing thoughts around.... I truly hope this all works out for you!

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you were hinting for a hookup? It seems he's going the netflix and chill route.

I shot him a text last night just trying to seem like I had a long busy day. I sent"Ugh after the day I had I need a massage lol." he's been moving this week, back in with his mother until he gets his new place in order so he can be back on his own.

[Alex39]

amkxoxo, I am gonna cut you some slack here, cause the early stages are always pretty nerve-wracking, especially when we are REALLY into someone. At least in my experience anyway.

 

It's easy for us to say "don't get too invested," but the truth is, when we REALLY like someone, feel that spark, that energy, it's hard not to!

 

The important thing is to manage our emotions so as not to come off to clingy, etc. Best to try to stay calm, centered.

 

Also, again when we REALLY like someone, feel that energy and connection, which IMO one cannot control we either feel it or we don't, often times we tolerate things we would never tolerate from someone we were NOT so much into.

 

I know I tolerated A LOT from my ex in those early stages (six year guy, NOT the recent guy (the attorney) whom I dated Oct-Jan) because of how into him I was.

 

Now I go to complete opposite extreme and don't tolerate ANYTHING, and just next these guys.

 

But then again, if truth be told I was never all that into them (except one guy but won't go into that) so perhaps that why.

 

I dunno just bouncing thoughts around.... I truly hope this all works out for you!

Yeah exactly, it’s been a nerve wracking experience. Especially after everything I went through with my ex and his manipulation and unreliability. My ex manipulated me out of being myself and I lost myself in him and was a shell of a person. I can already tell that as much as I am excited about this guy, I haven’t lost myself. I am me when I am with him, and me when I leave him. I can just be me. I think we are still in the honeymoon phase where we are trying to be on our best behavior and such. I feel like I am still trying to appear as perfect as I can, but this fades with time.

 

This guy isn’t perfect, but neither am I. But he hasn’t done one thing remotely like my ex. He is kind to me. He takes me out on fun dates doing activities. He treats me with respect. He seems to care about my wellbeing in a basic way since we just started dating. He’s gentlemanly, which I like. I told my friends what happened this past weekend and things he said. They immediately said they think he was telling me that he isn’t quite ready to jump into a relationship, but that he doesn’t want to see other people. That we can be exclusive, but not committed right away.

 

One of my girlfriends was in a limbo state with someone, where they didn’t see other people, but weren’t girlfriend and boyfriend for 4 months. It drove her crazy, but he, like this guy of mine, wanted to go slow and not rush because he wanted it to work out. Now they are in a strong relationship and he tells her he knows he took a long time, but he feels so secure and settled with her now, and he is happy she was willing to hang in with him, because he really cares about her.

 

Last night he texted me around 8PM and was asking about my day. Then he suddenly says “So I know it’s really late, but you should come here.”

 

I tell him I am tied up at the moment and already had plans of my own. He says “Darn it, I really need a cuddle buddy.”

 

I tell him how I am spending a girls night with my good friends and I can’t come,. He then says “So I won’t see you tonight?”

 

I say no he won’t see me tonight, and that he should cuddle his puppy instead. But that I would like to see him again sometime soon.

 

He must have fallen asleep, because he never answered me. This was slightly my fear that now that we have slept next to each other, that he is addicted to just that. But I mentioned it to my friends whom I was with and they didn’t take it that way at all. They took it as he wanted to see me again and he was just being needy. One of my girlfriends says her boyfriend gets like that all the time. That made me feel better about it. I told him on Sunday that I am just not a cuddle buddy and I want to date not just be in bed all the time. He agreed, and said he wants that too. I mean we were lying in bed cuddling this weekend and we were talking about how much we love cuddling. And he said how he loves it so much and he says “It’s even better when it’s with someone you are starting to care about.” I was shocked by this statement. It was cute and sweet.

[Batya33]

I'm glad you didn't go there last night to hang out and hook up. I don't think you should be making any comparisons to your ex because you barely know this guy -there is no pattern yet, there is no behavior that's been regular much less long lasting. And instead of comparing him to someone who treated you badly, decide -from enough of a distance since you're just starting to get to know him - just compare him to whatever your personal standards and values are.

 

Keep having fun and keep things in perspective.

[Alex39]

Yeah exactly. And my standards are that I won’t run at the drop of a hat to drive to him, and I will not ditch my friends to hang out with him last minute. So I definitely stuck to that.

 

Tuesday is usually his day to come here. He texted me a little while ago saying that he has an important meeting tonight, he told me about this this past weekend, but I thought it was last night, but I guess its tonight, so he thinks it will be too rushed for him to have to come here. He told me tomorrow he has a really busy day too with an event with his work. And he put a sad emoji to us not seeing each other tonight. He asked if we could reschedule and I said of course. I told him I was just going to be enjoying myself tonight outside, since its nice out. He said yes, and that is why he has been wanting to come down to me, so he can enjoy outside with me. I have a nice patio outside.

 

He said “we will figure it out”, and I said okay, and sounds good.

 

That was that. I do want to see him soon, so I hope he can set down some plans with me soon.

[Alex39]

Also, I guess I'm getting a bit anxious about us. To me, this weekend, he was trying to tell me that we are dating, but not in a relationship? Did everyone else get that vibe too? He wants to date just me? But no relationship yet. All my friends think he was trying to make it known that he likes me, but doesn't want to rush into a relationship, but wants to keep seeing me more, so almost like dating only one person without being girlfriend boyfriend quite yet. Exclusive, that there is no one else, but not committed? That is what I thought too. Its what I think, but I think I'm overthinking and worried that is not what is going on and I should keep my options open. I mean then again, he wanted to see me again last night for the third night in a row. Maybe I am just being paranoid and crazy again thinking things that aren't real. And he texted me today wanting to re-schedule and make plans to see me again soon.

 

He made it clear he wants to fool around, but no actual sex. But we did some sexual things this weekend. Which I am fine with. I mean we saw each other naked. We did some heavy stuff, without the actual sex.

 

I asked him if he was talking to/seeing other people, and he laughed and said "yeah cooper." cooper is his dog.

 

I asked him again the next day if he was seeing anyone else and he shook his head no. He laughed at me and told me that I am the second girl to ever be in bed with him. The first being his ex of over 10 years, and he had no idea what he was doing and no idea how to date, so there he was no seeing others.

 

He asked me if I had dated others. I told him I have been out with a guy here and there. Someone asks me out from school or we meet through mutual friends, but that I just didn't feel anything. No chemistry or spark. He said he had the same thing. He said he went on a few dates with women he met online. He said, sometimes even just walking up to them it was clear he wasn't going to see them again. He said sometimes he could tell it was just mutual, like nothing there, so you have dinner and say goodbye for good. We sound very similar in that way. I've been through that time and time again.

 

He told me he told his work buddy about me. He said his work buddy has been teasing him saying stuff like "You're seeing that same girl again? When's the wedding?"

[Batya33]

After you've been dating him about two months -and I mean dating not the "talking" you did before you met - then I would ask him what his intentions are. If you choose to have intercourse earlier than that time I would talk to him about STDs,pregnancy (i.e. what he thinks he would want to do if that happened) and monogamy or exclusivity. In my experience, whenever being exclusive was tied to having sex (meaning "I won't have sex with you unless you agree to be exclusive") the relationship did not work out. He sounds like he doesn't want to jump into intercourse.

 

I would take his words as is -he is enjoying getting to know you and he doesn't feel or want to be committed to you yet but he can see potential in the future.

[Alex39]

He was the one who said he doesn't want to have sex unless we were in a relationship. I liked that and agreed with it, because its nice and respectful and its normally how I am anyway so I liked that he had nice standards. Yeah I am trying to just be okay with his words. I think there is so much fear of the unknown. Like what if I see him another month and he still doesn't know. At the same time, I don't feel quite ready yet to be in a relationship with him as I too think its too soon. He said he is very emotionally fragile. He kept saying it over and over. I understand. I'm a lot more fragile than he thinks. I am just better than covering it up.

 

I am trying hard to just take his words and enjoy our time together and the fun we are having. Its fun and exciting. So no need to rush. I want to go at his pace and my pace, thought I think my pace is a little faster than his, I am trying to be patient because I think it will be worth it.

 

I'm terrible at expressing my feelings, so I think I need to work on that. The other night he told me he really liked me. I paused for a second and then questioningly told him I really liked him too. He then said it sounded like I said it as an afterthought. I do really like him. I didn't mean it that way. I just get awkward sometimes.

 

He did tell me he thinks his mother would really like me. But then at another point this past weekend he told me he is moving into a place across the street from his mothers house, and how he may have me park down the street, because she is very nosy. I thought this was weird, but I guess he is saying he still wants to see me when he moves, so that is not a bad thing.

 

Now I feel like I am overthinking everything he said. I just need to stay content. I feel so distracted thinking and thinking. Everything is fine for now.

[Batya33]

Yes, you are overthinking and writing all the right things but still choosing to overthink. I would watch the feet and not the lips -what he does not what he says. As far as waiting for sex -don't assume it's based on being "nice" -maybe it's simply that he is a person who values waiting for a commitment before having sex - not all men give in to the desire to have sex in a casual situation -they might have the desire but their values say otherwise -so it might not be because he is "nice" or "respectful" -or not only that -but he is simply doing what he wants to do.

 

I don't think you have to work on expressing feelings to him. You've seen him a handful of times so continue to act in a fun, interested, enthusiastic and thoughtful way - words are secondary.

 

I went out with many men who said lovely things about our future together, how much their parents would love me, where we could live if we get married (all within the first few weeks of dating) etc etc - all sweet and well-intentioned and genuine at the moment - but irrelevant as far as future potential. Actions are relevant.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, that's bizarre.

he told me he is moving into a place across the street from his mothers house, and how he may have me park down the street, because she is very nosy.

[Batya33]

Agree, that's bizarre.

 

Yes, same -and why he would tell you this anyway - irrelevant for now.

[Alex39]

Yeah I definitely need to just chill out. I will be seeing him soon. I think I freak out when we have no set plan and when I don't know when I will see him. I will most likely see him in three to four days. I will live.

 

We have fun. I like spending time with him and getting to know him has been great so far. I want to see him and he still wants to see me. I need to just keep acting my fun and enthusiastic self. Just be me. I am afraid, I don't want to pressure him or anything either. But I need to keep my head on straight and just be my cool self.

[Batya33]

I think just be yourself is fine as long as you're not feeling overly needy/clingy -if you are then fake it till you make it.

[Alex39]

So now I'm sitting here feeling bad. I tell my best girlfriends all about me and this guy. I've told them all the stuff about this guy that I have told you. Now I'm sitting back wondering if this was a bad choice giving my friends personal details of him and I. Maybe this was wrong. I just wanted their input. But now I feel like I betrayed his trust.

 

I literally don't know how to shut my mouth though. I just want to tell everyone.

[mustlovedogs]

So now I'm sitting here feeling bad. I tell my best girlfriends all about me and this guy. I've told them all the stuff about this guy that I have told you. Now I'm sitting back wondering if this was a bad choice giving my friends personal details of him and I. Maybe this was wrong. I just wanted their input. But now I feel like I betrayed his trust.

 

I literally don't know how to shut my mouth though. I just want to tell everyone.

 

What? How did you betray his trust?

 

Literally you're just talking about normal things. Grocery shopping. Weekend plans. Dating. The weather. That's all normal.

 

Betraying his trust would be telling friends about an STD or sharing a pregnancy announcement prematurely.

 

Hon, you overthink like crazy. I sincerely don't think you should be dating until you can work on this.

[Alex39]

I told my friends about his anxiety and how he wants to wait to have sex until we are in a relationship and how he is "emotionally fragile"

 

Thats his personal business. He told me he trusts me because he told me about himself and a lot of baggage right off the bat, and I told all my friends because I can't shut my mouth.

[mustlovedogs]

I told my friends about his anxiety and how he wants to wait to have sex until we are in a relationship and how he is "emotionally fragile"

 

Thats his personal business. He told me he trusts me because he told me about himself and a lot of baggage right off the bat, and I told all my friends because I can't shut my mouth.

 

I still think that's an ok thing to talk about. Not to tell everyone - but your close friends for input? Yes.

 

Every post is you second guessing yourself. Dating shouldn't be this hard. You should haven't to think so much. You shouldn't stress this much.

[Jibralta]

I told my friends about his anxiety and how he wants to wait to have sex until we are in a relationship and how he is "emotionally fragile"

 

Thats his personal business. He told me he trusts me because he told me about himself and a lot of baggage right off the bat, and I told all my friends because I can't shut my mouth.

 

You've only known his for a couple of weeks. Even though things are going well, you don't really know him. You don't know if he's honest with himself or with other people. You don't know how trusting he actually is, or how skilled at self-assessment. Don't beat yourself up too much over what amounts to an assumption.

 

One thing about speaking freely about other people to your friends: if things work out between yourself and Whomever, you can't unsay stuff. That goes for friends and family, too, not just romantic relationships. So, as a general rule of thumb it's best to limit that stuff to one or two of your most trusted confidants.

[Alex39]

Yes, I am definitely realizing this. I think I seek reassurance from my friends, because I second guess myself. Its something I am working on. I need to be more self assured. Its tough, because my mother wants to know everything. She and I are best friends. But then she gets into my head and I second guess myself. She will tell me I am not seeing this clearly etc... Which most times she is right. She thinks I need to tell her everything. I have tried to pull back from her and try to keep my life more private, but she takes it as a slap in the face.

 

I had problems with my relationship with my family and my ex. He thought I was too close to them. I love them to death. My family is everything. But I also created a life for myself. I live two hours away from them. My ex hated when I would go and see them once a moth for a whole weekend as he wanted time with me. And he hated that I would call them and talk for hours every night. I realized after we broke up that it was a bit excessive and I have now tried to spend more time with friends and make plans for myself, so I don't do this.

 

Since starting to see this new guy, I have not been home in a month. I've been making plans with my friends, focusing on my life, and excited to be spending time with the guy. When I stopped home this past weekend. I went just for the day. My family kept making comments about how I hadn't been home in such a long time. My mother wasn't overly happy that I only came for one day. She wanted to see me more and spend more time with me. She was upset that I took off after 6 hours to see the guy. She said she felt put on the back burner now that I met a man. I felt terrible she felt that way. I love her and my family and like spending time with them. But I am trying to create my own life away from them, because I live far away from them. Now my mother wants me back to see them again this weekend. She keeps making comments that now that I met a man, that they won't see me at all now. That isn't true. But I probably won't be at home as much as I used to. I'm 25 years old.

[Wiseman2]

Ok why not continue your life and regular activities with friends and family. Don't revolve your life around someone after 8 weeks and 4-5 dates. That's over-investing and getting over-attached way too soon. He also doesn't seem to want to see you that much so there's no reason be by the phone waiting and hoping.

 

Set boundaries with your family and dating life as a 25 y/o adult. Are they in a big hurry for you to find a guy and marry?

I had problems with my relationship with my family and my ex. He thought I was too close to them. I love them to death. My family is everything. Since starting to see this new guy, I have not been home in a month. My family kept making comments about how I hadn't been home in such a long time. She said she felt put on the back burner now that I met a man.