Are these huge red flags?

[IAmFCA]

So I posted something on social media earlier with a picture of drinks I made for memorial day. I captioned it "the amazing drinks I made..."

 

He just texted me saying "looks amazing

 

I don't know what to do

 

Ignore. You're obvi busy making drinks and hosting friends.

[mustlovedogs]

You keep saying you're trying to manage your anxiety and not worry about him too much.

 

I don't believe you.

 

You were making drinks. Presumably with friends. He texts. Not only do you drop what you're doing to worry, you drop what you're doing to worry and post here.

 

A healthy response: laugh and continue making drinks. Ignore it. Maybe reply tomorrow (if you remember).

 

Because this guy isn't treating you well.

 

Do you realize this? Are you actually trying to take control of your emotions? Because the many pages of this thread tell me a very glaring NO.

 

I don't expect you to be perfect. But you need to start proactively TRYING to be better. Live your life. I want to see a post where your life happened and was more important than whatever this fool is doing.

 

Please. Try. Start doing that. Don't say "I am!!!!!!" Because you most definitely are not.

[boltnrun]

I agree.

 

Every time he texts or doesn't text or responds or doesn't respond or doesn't respond quickly enough for you, the result seems to be umpteen consultations with friends and friends' boyfriends, as well as a myriad of posts that range from elated to unsure to sounding almost depressed.

 

Words on a phone screen typed by a guy who you've only known in person for a few weeks shouldn't send you into this emotional tailspin.

 

I've asked and asked and keep getting ignored, so I must conclude that you're seeing your friends at some point in time, but you seem to spend a lot of the time with them discussing HIM instead of, you know, just enjoying your time with your friends. And I presume there are no outside activities, no sports, no exercise, no community events, no volunteer work, etc. Just waiting for him to text and thinking and talking about him.

 

You're freaking yourself out. Why is it not possible for you to just enjoy having dates and not add all this stress and worry?

[Silvergalaxy]

Did you post on social media to try and elicit a reaction from him or to show him that you have a busy life? I hope you didn't respond to that text. You're seriously over invested in this guy and he can sense that which is probably why he's backed off. You need to stop obsessing over him and live your life like everyone has already suggested.

 

Additionally, you should stop speculating/overanalyzing his behaviour and focus instead on yourself and understanding why you are chasing this guy so much. I'm glad you are in therapy and that you have made progress with your anxiety, but it's clear from this thread that there is still a lot of work you need to do before you are ready to be in a healthy relationship.

[Alex39]

I don't know. I like him. I can't help it. I'm enjoying my friends. I work full time and on the side I'm a personal trainer. I live alone, so at times I am really lonely. I want him to like me.

[boltnrun]

I don't know. I like him. I can't help it. I'm enjoying my friends. I work full time and on the side I'm a personal trainer. I live alone, so at times I am really lonely. I want him to like me.

 

But more important, is he right for YOU?

 

You named some generic traits he has, but it seems you are so focused on trying to get him to like you (or worrying about whether or not he likes you) that you haven't put much focus on whether or not YOU like HIM! And not just as some relatively decent human you can slap the label "boyfriend" on. Someone compatible, someone who you mesh with, someone who you feel good about. Not someone whose communication style is completely unlike yours and who you stress over constantly, overanalyzing every single little thing that happens.

 

In short, do you want HIM? Or do you want a "boyfriend"?

[Batya33]

Of course you can't help your feelings of liking him. You can control your reactions to your feelings. He might like you and he might be attracted to you but he is not sufficiently interested in dating you or in a potential relationship with you. And you're lucky you have this information so early on.

[Alex39]

I know. Everyone keeps telling me I'm lucky we only went on for about a month. I'm just very hurt, because we did have chemistry and everything seemed good, and I just never ever expected this sudden distant treatment. All my friends and family keep telling me that its not me. That I was fine. I was interested and went out with him, that its very much him suddenly not having his stuff together. Everyone thinks his freaked out by us moving in a good direction towards a relationship and he can't handle it. I want to believe this is true. Deep down I think it is true. I guess I just never meant to pressure him or push him away and I keep blaming myself that maybe I did something wrong. I keep replaying all of our times together because I keep wondering what went wrong. My friends insist nothing went wrong, and the last time I saw him we kissed goodbye and things were good, and I not need worry. I was just being me. I am secure in my life and in myself for a relationship. I'm open to being vulnerable and taking time to get to know someone.

 

I feel like maybe if I liked him less that maybe he wouldn't push me away. My friends insist that if he feels this way about the time we spent together now, it was going to end up this way no matter how the situation unfolded. They all claim its clear he isn't ready and he's freaking out. I feel bad. I never meant for that to happen. I didn't ask to see him everyday. I didn't talk to him everyday. I never asked for a relationship or asked for more from him. I just liked spending time with him regularly while we got to know each other.

 

I'm sad that I know that now I have to move on, still my single self and see other guys, because I did have a connection with him, which is rare. I rarely find guys I end up really liking. I've met so many in college and I just didn't have anything with them. I know I have a lot t offer. A big heart, a good stable life, I'm smart, pretty, and have a good head on my shoulders. He had to have seen it too. He just can't handle it at this time in his life, which is so unfortunate. This happens to me all the time. I meet guys who are great and totally my type and the timing is the worst. I never meant to pressure him and I know he's coming off of a long relationship. I never meant to. I feel so bad about that. But yeah, this is the third guy I've fallen for where the timing is bad.

[LaHermes]

AMK:

 

Not so, evidently.

 

I meet guys who are great and totally my type

 

Let's recast that sentence:

 

I meet guys who SEEM great and seem totally my type.

[Batya33]

This is not sudden. It's typical in early stages of dating. People decide not to ask the person out again or accept another date. Get your ego out of it. Maybe he realized he wasn't attracted enough to your face or body. Or that you didn't have enough in common. That's ok -you barely knew him and people are allowed to change their minds. Whether you rarely find guys you are interested in is about you not him -that's your issue to deal with.

 

It doesn't mean he was scared or couldn't handle it -it just means he doesn't want to date you and it doesn't matter whether he's scared or thinks you have body odor or can lose or gain a few pounds. That's just about your ego. What your job is is to stop choosing to get so attached so early on. That's about you. Nothing to do with him.

[faraday]

This is not sudden. It's typical in early stages of dating. People decide not to ask the person out again or accept another date. Get your ego out of it. Maybe he realized he wasn't attracted enough to your face or body. Or that you didn't have enough in common. That's ok -you barely knew him and people are allowed to change their minds. Whether you rarely find guys you are interested in is about you not him -that's your issue to deal with.

 

It doesn't mean he was scared or couldn't handle it -it just means he doesn't want to date you and it doesn't matter whether he's scared or thinks you have body odor or can lose or gain a few pounds. That's just about your ego. What your job is is to stop choosing to get so attached so early on. That's about you. Nothing to do with him.

 

This x 1000

 

What you experienced was called "dating". People "date" for many reasons: to have fun, to get to know themselves better, to have sex, to have someone to do fun things with...but also, it's used to get to know someone, to determine if they're compatible in all ways: mentally, spiritually, physically...to see how a person interacts and fits into their world...will they get along with friends and family? Will they add more value to my life than the freedoms that be taken away?

 

The thing is...finding "the one" (or at least someone that is really truly compatible) isn't easy. You're going to have to kiss A LOT of frogs...and that means letting a lot of people go. Because both sides need to match up- your dream guy needs to think you're his dream girl.

 

Some of the best advice I got when I was single...was "think about your perfect man. What qualities draw you to him? Now what qualities would he require in a partner? Become that woman." And I did. I knew my dream guy would have a ton of hobbies, he'd be adventurous and independent, he'd have a life...a good life...that he wouldn't want to just give up.....and he would want a partner that had her own hobbies that she was equally passionate about...he would want a partner that could help of her own- not just be entertained while he was off on adventures- but be on her own adventures.

 

So I really worked on becoming the best version of myself. I found a hobby that I loved so much that I ended up turning it into a career. I had plans every weekend doing interesting things.

 

And then I met my husband.

 

And he was so busy. Like actually busy- not gardening...he was working in the middle of no where in places with no cell reception...but he would drive, on many evenings, to find a place with cell reception to call me. When he was home, he still did all the things he loved, and visited all the people he wanted to see, but he *always* made time for me (and sometimes he was only home for 3 days out of 30 in an entire month). He always made sure that he showed me that I was a priority.

 

And it was really tough, and I don't recommend starting a relationship with someone that has an extreme job like that...but I do recommend finding someone that backs up his words with action. He does what he says he's going to do. He doesn't make promises that he can't keep (like say/profess things too soon in a relationship). He always treats you with respect...he's willing to put in more effort than you are in the beginning to show his intentions. He doesn't talk about how damaged he is- that's he's "fragile", he doesn't talk about his ex, being scared. He's open and honest (without oversharing and without crossing boundaries) and trustworthy.

 

With the right person, it will be easy. He'll make you wonder why you ever thought it would work with anyone else. It will just work.

 

If you meet someone and it's hard...if meeting up is difficult (because they can't seem to make the time), or if something about them isn't sitting right...just walk away. Don't waste time on a stranger. There really are a billion fish in the sea, and everyone on this planet has thousands of people that could totally end up being their "the one"...so just move on.

[Alex39]

Its just so hard. I have standards. I don't just like every guy that comes along. I am picky in my choosing, and who I feel I connect with.

 

Everyone I know is in a relationship. My two best girl friends just asked if I wanted to go to see this new movie coming out this weekend. I said yes, as its one I really wanted to see. Then they said how their boyfriends want to see it too. At that point I gracefully bowed out of the plan because I was not going to be #5 on a double movie date.

 

And I just asked another friend to hang out today and she says she can't because her and her boyfriend are going to her parents house for a bbq for memorial day. Just saw pictures of my ex with his new girlfriend at a bbq together. No one is free tomorrow on actual memorial day because they are going with their boyfriends to events for memorial day.

 

I have been through so much with men in the past and I overcame it and am a lot stronger, but I'm 25 and every family party I go to all my cousins have someone, and everyone there asks if I met someone or tells me "Oh you're so great, someone will scoop you up."

 

But every holiday weekend, event, and party, I am alone. I'm fine being single. I am content, but its getting to the point where everyone in my life has someone except me. And holiday weekends such as this one is a reminder of my long term single status. When everyone is busy with their boyfriends and girlfriends, and I am by myself.

 

I have hobbies and activities. I dance, am an avid gym goer, enjoy hiking. I enjoy hosting friends at my house, hosting dinners, or just hanging out watching a movie. I have girls nights once a week usually, and its fun. We make food and watch a certain show we enjoy. Hiking is not fun nor safe when you are alone, so can't do that. I have asked everyone I know to make plans with me tonight and every single person is busy.

 

I dream about the days when I can have a good guy. A guy that I like and choose. Who wants to be in my life. Who respects me and gives me time and effort. We can go on vacation together, and to family events, and parties, and double dates. I can do all those things with someone else. I never have to worry about never having a hiking partner, or being alone curled up on the couch, because most of the time, I will have them. All my cousins have brought home serious prospects. They will get married. And I never have. My family has only ever met my ex and it wasn't planned. They came down to my college when he and I were together so they met him because of that.

 

My family all goes on vacation every year together. My aunt, uncle, cousins. I am still staying in a hotel room with my parents, and my cousins are all sharing rooms with their boyfriends and girlfriends, and my aunt and uncle get their own. I never have that. Year after year, I do all the vacation stuff with my mom. I love vacations and I love my family. But I'm the perpetually single one. My cousins go off to the beach with their significant other and I go with mommy and daddy.

 

I feel guilty because I feel like maybe I was passive aggressive with that guy yesterday. He told me he was busy. I should have been happy, and cute. But instead I said things like "Oh it doesn't seem like you have a lot of time this weekend for plans with me, thats too bad."

 

and things like "well hopefully you can get your schedule sorted out soon so we can go to that restaurant. I'd really like that."

 

But I agree that it shouldn't be hard. It should flow and be easy. I wouldn't have to chase and wouldn't feel so insecure, if he put just a tad more effort in no a regular basis. Then I wouldn't worry, because I'd know.

 

I just keep wondering when my time will be. I want to cuddle up next to someone at night. I want to have an active sex life, where I look forward to going home and ripping someone's clothes off. I'm so sexually deprived. I want to make food together, and get the chance to move in together. I've never lived with anyone before. I want weekly date nights,and fun memories, and vacations, and trips, and to have someone there whom I can support and they will support me through good and bad.

 

I just feel like I keep meeting people and they either aren't right for me, or the timing is really bad. Like this most recent guy. I don't know what his deal is, but I have a feeling he has a lot going on in his life and thus is too busy for me. The timing is terrible. I met my ex right after he got out of a serious relationship. We had chemistry like crazy, but he wasn't ready for a relationship. Met this other guy. He was smart, motivated, a gentleman, and super sweet. We hit it off great, but he had to move far away after a month for some schooling he signed up for. Started talking to a guy who travels playing sports, we didn't even get the chance to meet because of his lifestyle. He seems cool and smart, but the timing is just bad. It just stinks so bad for me.

 

Every one of my friends know me and that I try so hard to be the best person I can be. I put effort into myself, and effort into my friendships, and love interests. I am kind, sweet, caring, compassionate, cute, smart, and on and on. I'm not perfect, but I feel like no matter how hard I try, it doesn't get me a man. In the last week I have had multiple of my friends say "You have been through a lot, and you deserve a good relationship with someone and to be happy."

 

Yeah I was manipulated and mentally abused by my ex for years. I was broken, but I bounced back. I came out with a bad case of anxiety that I can't shake, but I work so darn hard to be better. And all my friends meet men, and its easy and effortless and they have boyfriends a few months in. I just have never had that luck with men. There's always something that gets in the way. I feel bad because this guy was with someone for 12 years. That is a long time and I can't imagine trying to date and get over it quickly. I never meant to pressure him or make him feel like he needed to be with me right away. I was okay going slow. I wanted him to warm up to me. He seemed so into seeing me and us getting to know each other. It just doesn't make sense to me. I don't think I did anything to turn him away. Its something to do with him not wanting to put effort in and see me. I can't change someone or make them like me. I know that much. Its just such a bummer.

[LaHermes]

Geeze Amk. Trying to remember when I was 25. Well, yes, I do remember. And I wasn't hung up on who I might or might not meet. I had such FUN!

 

Only natural to want this:

 

"I just keep wondering when my time will be. I want to cuddle up next to someone at night. I want to have an active sex life, where I look forward to going home and ripping someone's clothes off. I'm so sexually deprived. I want to make food together, and get the chance to move in together. I've never lived with anyone before. I want weekly date nights,and fun memories, and vacations, and trips, and to have someone there whom I can support and they will support me through good and bad. "

 

Getting the mix right (or so it seems nowadays) is not always easy.

 

LOL OP.

 

It isn't a hunting expedition:

 

"but I feel like no matter how hard I try, it doesn't get me a man

 

 

Don't try hard. That is counterproductive.

 

I promise you.

[faraday]

EVERYONE has standards. MOST people are picky. It's not supposed to be easy to find someone...if it was, everyone you know would be married. You're not the exception. On average, I met around 70 men before I met one I was interested in dating. That's not special, that's normal. Get over it.

 

And...give it 10 years. A good chunk of those friends that are getting married right now (before turning 25, let alone 30) will be getting divorced. Do you know why? Many of your friends are actually in crappy relationships and too scared to be alone...so they just go on to "the next step in the relationship"...until they hate their partners. True story. I'm 34 and watching friends divorcing left and right.

 

The way that you talk, you're going to be one of those people. You're so desperate for a guy you like to like you back that you're willing to settle for whatever scraps he'll throw your way. It's not the basis of a healthy relationship. You need to change your mindset...because you're going to ruin your life.

 

You know...there's a member on here WithLove...and you should read her journal. Go from the beginning to now. She went from anxiety and a very unhappy place...to now, a year and half later...being strong, independent, confident...and she's in a healthy relationship with a guy that adores her. If you want to see what the process looks like, go check her out. She's awesome. She's probably even give you advice on getting started.

[Batya33]

Geeze Amk. Trying to remember when I was 25. Well, yes, I do remember. And I wasn't hung up on who I might or might not meet. I had such FUN!

 

Only natural to want this:

 

"I just keep wondering when my time will be. I want to cuddle up next to someone at night. I want to have an active sex life, where I look forward to going home and ripping someone's clothes off. I'm so sexually deprived. I want to make food together, and get the chance to move in together. I've never lived with anyone before. I want weekly date nights,and fun memories, and vacations, and trips, and to have someone there whom I can support and they will support me through good and bad. "

 

Getting the mix right (or so it seems nowadays) is not always easy.

 

LOL OP.

 

It isn't a hunting expedition:

 

"but I feel like no matter how hard I try, it doesn't get me a man

 

 

Don't try hard. That is counterproductive.

 

I promise you.

 

Agree with all of this although I think it's essential to be proactive in finding a good match - but not "trying too hard" because that smacks of desperation. If it's true that all your friends have serious boyfriends/spouses then it's time to get out there and meet new people.

 

Edited to add that I agree with Faraday.

[mustlovedogs]

OP - I get that you want a relationship and deserve one. Just adding to the other observations. Your posts are so long winded here. Sure, you have that right - but, are these how you think? Communicate?

 

If so, this would be very overwhelming to deal with in a relationship. We ask a question and get an analytical novel. You can't emotion dump on a partner all the time. Only for serious issues. Not for how one small slight could be perceived as a gross injustice.

 

Think on that. It may be worth to reflect on how you communicate.

[reinventmyself]

The beginning stages of dating become an intoxicating high. Add in physical intimacy and you're so high it clouds your judgement.

 

The reason the disappointment is so strong for you is because at this point it's a very long way to fall.

 

Don't confuse this intensity with thinking he's the one or your last chance.

 

Sometimes endings this early on are just as painful, or more than relationship of long duration.

 

Remember this while you go about dating and strive for keeping your feet on the ground and don't give in to the rush. Have fun, check your expectations and match their pace.

 

You got too far ahead of him even when there were clues you overlooked from the beginning.

 

When you ended your last text 'If I'm still around' you may have given yourself away. While you're trying to portray the cool girl, you more or less let him know you are overinvested and disappointed.

You seem like a sweet young lady. Believe you deserve someone who you dont have to 2nd guess his intentions. He'll make them clear by his actions, won't leave you guessing and he'll be consistent.

[Alex39]

Thanks. I see now and are going to be trying very hard to be myself, keep my feet on the ground, and keep in perspective what I want and what I will and will not take. I went online, updated my profile, and added a new photo. I started sending messages to men whom I was too afraid to talk to anymore. I have nothing to lose, and all to gain. I need a man who compliments my life and me, not adds something to it. I have so much good in it already.

 

I'm still a little bummed about this guy. He's cute, kind, and very much someone that is my type, but I can't make, chase, of force someone to want to see me. He has a lot going on in his life, and its unfortunate that we don't have any future plans to meet up. I like that he was committed and engaged to someone, which shows me he is someone who values loyalty, relationships, and longevity, all which he has told me too. He also isn't afraid of marriage. But again, he's a great guy. But he doesn't want to see me again as of now.

 

He texted me last night, which shocked me and he said "Hey, what do have going on right now?"

 

I responded a little while later and just said "Hey, just getting home, how about you?"

 

Kept it simple. To my surprise he never answered me. And still hasn't all day today. Its too bad. He's missing out and having a fun time with me. I'm open to going out with others and seeing what it out there for me.

 

I'm spending my time focusing on me, and friends & family whom want to see me, care for me, and make plans with me.

[Alex39]

I mean I hope he knows I like him. I am not great at showing it, but I try. One night we were laying in bed and he said "I really like you" and I paused, awkward for a second and said "I really like you too."

 

He immediately said "wow, sounds like an afterthought." I reassured him that no, and I was just thinking for a second and I do like him too.

 

Then when he called me Thursday last minute to come over. He was begging, and bribing me that we could play with his dog. I started teasing him saying he was begging me and he started saying how he really wanted to see me that he had to beg and bribe me. I then said how how it was hard for me to say no, but how it was last minute. He took this as me wanting to say no, but not being able to. He said "well no I'm not begging you to come see me if you don't want to see me. Seems like you want to say no and I'm trying to convince you."

 

I reassured him that I was joking and I really did want to see him.

 

I do really like him, and never meant for him to think I didn't like him as much as he liked me. I mean I texted him to dinner with me the next day and then was texting him last week seeing where he is. I hope he doesn't think I wasn't interested. I mean I went that night, I wanted to stay over, and I was naked with him all night fooling around. Doesn't sound like someone who doesn't like him.

[faraday]

Think about it for a minute.

 

You're getting naked with him...and you're worried he doesn't know that you like him? Seriously?

[Alex39]

Yeah was just overthinking a tad. I'm back on track. Just think its weird he texted me last night asking about what I'm doing, and then he doesn't respond to me and doesn't all the next day. Guess he's still really busy.

[faraday]

Yeah was just overthinking a tad. I'm back on track. Just think its weird he texted me last night asking about what I'm doing, and then he doesn't respond to me and doesn't all the next day. Guess he's still really busy.

 

Not weird.

 

 

[katrina1980]

Not weird.

 

]

 

LOL, literally!

 

Thanks for sharing faraday!

 

amk, I hope you got a chuckle from it too.

 

He's not 'busy' .... he's just a MPI!

 

Time to move on.

 

P.S. Matthew Hussey has a few other really good/funny videos too.

 

You should check em out!

 

Best of luck moving FORWARD, stay strong.

[Batya33]

Yeah was just overthinking a tad. I'm back on track. Just think its weird he texted me last night asking about what I'm doing, and then he doesn't respond to me and doesn't all the next day. Guess he's still really busy.

 

No not weird. He's trying to keep you somewhat on the radar in case he wants to hang out at some point down the line and it's also good for his ego when you respond so he knows you're still interested even if he's not interested in dating you with potential for a relationship. I doubt it has anything to do with "busy". I would stop responding at this point to texts -he's made no effort to make a plan with you in over a week (and no, random references to Petes don't count) which is a significant percentage of the time you interacted with him. If he changes his mind and wants to make a time/place plan I guess you can see him but then proceed with caution and be ready for him to once again stop asking you out.

[reinventmyself]

Not weird.

 

]

 

spot on. . and hilarious