Are these huge red flags?

[boltnrun]

Is there some reason why he can't drive to come see you?

[faraday]

Is there some reason why he can't drive to come see you?

 

Because he has a breathalyzer on his car from a DUI arrest...and he's embarrassed for her to see him needing to blow into it.

[boltnrun]

Because he has a breathalyzer on his car from a DUI arrest...and he's embarrassed for her to see him needing to blow into it.

 

Oh yeah, I totally forgot about the DUI. But why is that a problem if he's not drinking? And can't he "blow" the thing before he gets out of the car to visit her at her place if he's THAT embarrassed?

 

I find it interesting that he's too emotionally fragile and "scared" to have intercourse but isn't "scared" of oral sex. There are men whose PREFERENCE is oral sex because it feels different from intercourse.

[Alex39]

So after me staying over Thursday. I text him Friday afternoon telling him I had a good time with him and I hope his moving Saturday goes smoothly. Now he says funny things to me often. Nicknames and funny little things. Like he likes to call me “Homegirl.” But he responds saying “Sounds good amigo, I will keep you posted.”

 

I found this to be a weird response.

 

Later in the day I am driving to my parents for the birthday party the next day. I end up in bumper to bumper traffic. I call him and ask if he wants to grab some dinner with me to get me off the road, and I was right near his area, trying to get to my parents’ house. He says he can’t because he is hanging out with his college buddy, but says how my offer is very tempting. I say okay, and how I figured I would ask just to see. He says “No no. I’d love it. Just might be weird if you and I are hanging and my buddy and I are being boys.”

 

I tell him to “go enjoy your dude time.”

 

This was texting. I never heard back from him since. It’s now Monday midday and I haven’t gotten one thing from him and we have no future plans. Its driving me crazy. I get anxious when I am unsure of things and have no plans. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, figuring he is moving and is getting adjusted to his new place and his dog, and he said now that he is across from his mother he will have to spend more time with family, which isn’t his favorite thing to do. But it’s been nothing Saturday, Sunday, and now Monday. I’m nervous for sure. All my friends think he really likes me and I’m being paranoid. I don’t know what to think. I guess its not a big deal and I'm overthinking as always. I just have always had guys whom like me, communicate regularly and make active plans to see me a few times a week. My mother thinks he will definitely want to see me soon and make plans with me soon, he just needs time to get his stuff together since moving.

[mustlovedogs]

He calls you home girl and amigo. IMO, he's trying to friendzone you.

[Alex39]

He says things like to me in person all the time too. He calls me "kid" since I'm younger than him in person too. I mean he calls me these things after we were sleeping in his bed naked together and I went down on him? I don't think I'm just a friend. And again if he didn't want to keep seeing me now a month into it and 6 dates deep, I think he would have stopped seeing me a while ago and wouldn't keep wanting to see me. I don't know. Maybe I am panicking over three days of no conversation for nothing. My friend and family think he is super busy with his moving and such and just isn't focused on our next meeting right now. They think he will call me.

[mustlovedogs]

He can make you a friend and still get his jollies.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think you're way over-invested for six dates, which is feeding your anxiety. And, with sex in the equation, the anxiety is fueled even more so, because it sounds like sex makes you feel that something serious is going on. While this CAN be the case, it isn't necessarily so for a lot of people. (It is for me, so I have always held off until I was really sure of somebody's intentions and even then, I've been wrong on at least one occasion). By the sixth date with my now-fiancee, I really liked him, and I hoped he'd stick around, but I wasn't anxious about hearing from him. I knew that in the first few months it could fade out, so I tried to temper my excitement with being grounded as well. I call it my "head in the clouds WITH feet still planted firmly on the ground" approach I found out later that he was the one worried about ME pulling the plug, and it wasn't until about three months in that he felt pretty relaxed and was reasonably certain I was sticking around.

 

If you're really worried, you might text him -- just a simple text to see how he's doing and offering a suggestion to get together. If he drags his feet on replying, or seems, iffy about nailing down a day/time to get together, you should probably back way off.

 

It's too late to tell you NOT to be emotionally invested -- you already are -- but it's a good idea to work on not over-thinking everything. And, the worst that can happen is that he's not all that invested, and it doesn't work out. Yes, it will hurt, but you will also have learned some things that you can hopefully apply next time.

 

The first few months should be lighthearted, fun, enjoyable -- you should not be a ball of stress because you're not hearing from him all the time.

[Jibralta]

You could be a friend with benefits. The nicknames coupled with his 'emotional fragility' lead me to believe it's heading in that direction.

 

I just have always had guys whom like me, communicate regularly and make active plans to see me a few times a week.

 

People have different communication styles. I also prefer regular communication and clear expectations. I don't have the disposition to deal with indecisive non-communicators. Makes me feel crazy. This might be an Achilles' heel for you, as well.

 

Attraction and affection can cause you to overlook some things that you dislike. But eventually your true preferences catch up with you.

 

I think a lot of anxiety is created when you go against yourself in some way. Whether it's a preference, a belief, or whatever: when you ignore yourself, you feel anxious. Strange though it may sound, I think we don't always truly know ourselves. There are so many expectations from family, friends, and society in general that sometimes we confuse those expectations for what we ourselves actually want. You can tell you're wrestling with expectations when you catch yourself saying things like, "I feel like I should."

[Alex39]

He was the one that said he didn't want to have sex until we were in a relationship. I agreed, because it is my thoughts exactly too. He said he was okay with all the other stuff, naked, touching, oral etc.... I am thinking maybe I should have held off more, but I didn't stop him. He told me I could if I wanted to and he wouldn't care. Its not that I didn't enjoy the stuff we did and wouldn't mind doing it again, but I want more eventually emotionally, a relationship, where we can have physical and emotional. My girl friend said when she and her now boyfriend started dating, the first few months they were always in his bedroom. Cuddling, kissing, etc.. she said it was exciting and new and fun and they couldn't get enough of each other physically. But she said it wore off and now they are balanced emotionally and physically. I guess since we have already done a lot physically except intercourse, how do I back track things? I think that would be bad at this point. He will think I am a tease or I just see that as turning out badly. Like hey, we've done this three times, but no more of it and being in a bed until relationship. I feel like that holds phsyicalness and sex as a dangling prize.

[Jibralta]

I guess since we have already done a lot physically except intercourse, how do I back track things?

 

Next time you hang out, don't fool around.

[Alex39]

Next time you hang out, don't fool around.

 

I feel like we will end up getting carried away, because we are very attracted to each other. Plus isn't it weird to be like "Oh we can make out on the couch and keep our clothes on, but that's it." After we've been butt naked in front of each other doing frisky things and sleeping in the same bed?

 

He already was joking with me about how he let me in his bed so if he comes my way I should let him be in mine.

[katrina1980]

He was the one that said he didn't want to have sex until we were in a relationship.

 

I feel like that holds phsyicalness and sex as a dangling prize.

 

You already are in a relationship, a casual relationship but a relationship nevertheless. And you are also having "sex" (getting naked, engaging in oral IS sex don't kid yourself about that).

 

I don't think he's friendzoning you but I DO think he is somewhat uncomfortable with the sexual intimacy.

 

And by calling you "amigo" after sex, he is creating emotional distance between you so as to alleviate the anxiety he feels after becoming intimate (sex).

 

Which also explains why you haven't heard from him since.

 

I think (would hope) in time, he will feel more comfortable about it, and also more comfortable about wanting to engage in intercourse with you, but time will tell.

 

All you can do is continue to date, have fun, enjoy spending time and OBSERVE.

 

If you're uncomfortable with getting naked and "cuddling" (leading to sex - oral) then don't do it, but explain why. DON'T allow him to pressure you about it, like he did this past weekend.

 

That said, I think going backwards may be difficult since you've already navigated that road, but no sense continuing to do something you're uncomfortable with.

 

Gauge his reactions.

[Jibralta]

I feel like we will end up getting carried away, because we are very attracted to each other. Plus isn't it weird to be like "Oh we can make out on the couch and keep our clothes on, but that's it." After we've been butt naked in front of each other doing frisky things and sleeping in the same bed?

 

He already was joking with me about how he let me in his bed so if he comes my way I should let him be in mine.

 

That's why I said don't fool around with him. I mean keep your distance physically. Go out to eat and don't go back to his house. Don't allow yourself to get into a position where you could get carried away.

 

His reaction will be very telling. If he still wants to spend time and get to know you, great. If not, you know what you're dealing with.

[boltnrun]

See,this is the problem. You allowed yourself to have sex with him (oral sex IS sex!) and now you feel like maybe you should have waited until things were more defined. Even if you say, no, it's fine, I WANTED to!! It's obviously not fine and now you're worrying.

 

You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube (sorry, bad analogy lol). So, all you can do is ask him the question..."Are we exclusive?" Because if you find out he is cuddling naked and having oral sex with other women, how will you feel?

 

PS: Like I mentioned earlier, for some men oral sex is preferred to intercourse. It feels different and to some men, it feels better. All they have to do is lie back and enjoy.

[Alex39]

Guess I'm a bit disappointed. Going on day #4 and nothing from him. Just after everything we have talked about. We aren't serious, I know, but him saying he wants to make it down my way and for us to go to the lake and he will be having to come see me more due to him living across from his mother. I guess I am a bit shocked that he hasn't even shot me a text. I still have hope. I don't think anything has necessarily happened to turn him away. I haven't done anything but be myself. But four days is a lot for someone who claims to like me and is starting to care for me.

 

For all I know, he's just being a man, and is sitting back and has no idea how much times has passed and he will probably message me like nothings wrong, because to him, everything is fine. He's been pretty open, honest, and upfront so far about things in his life and how he feels, so he does not remind me of someone who would just stop talking to me cold turkey.

 

He did say he might not be able to make it down to see me until the following weekend, this one coming up. But I guess I was just surprised, because he claims to like me and be falling for me, but doesn't care if we talk or see each other in a whole week? I feel like that just seems like a long time and to not talk until then seems strange too.

[Batya33]

Nothing to do with gender. Watch the feet and not the lips. He is being open and honest - at this early stage I think he should call you if he's not going to see you again (because it's been 6 dates and to me personally he probably should contact you and be polite) but I would take his silence as an honest lack of sufficient interest in seeing you especially since you two are not exclusive -meaning he knows his special lady might be snapped up at any moment so why stay out of contact for this long and risk making her feel like he's disappeared? Also you have no idea how he reacts in situations where he changes his mind -because you met him very recently. No patterns yet for sure.

 

I also hated this situation -the waiting, the wondering -I feel for you so please don't take what I typed to be harsh -I meant a message of reality and I am a little rushed this morning but please understand I've been there and I get it.

[Alex39]

I didn’t take it as harsh. I truly appreciate you reading my posts and helping me. I do feel supported and I thank you.

 

The waiting game is horrible. I don’t know what to do. Keep waiting? Shoot him a text? I just feel like me doing that will chase him, and I don’t want to. I feel like I have showed my interest in him, and he should now contact me. It should be mutual and comfortable, but instead I am just waiting and waiting. I did this with my ex and it made the dynamic negative. Always waiting on him to make a move.

 

What if he thinks my lack of texting is me pulling away and lack of interest? He could send me a text or a call to see if that is true though. I don’t know how to handle this. It breaks my heart, because I was excited and hopeful about not rushing things, but continuing to see him. I just don’t get why he would suddenly pull away and not be interested. On Thursday he was saying stuff about my dating profile. He knew it by heart and knew my profile name by heart too as he said it to me that night while we were laying there.

 

Is he losing interest suddenly? I have no idea. I guess actions speak louder than words.

[Batya33]

I would not text. He knows you are interested in him and in seeing him. I wouldn't "wait" -live your life and try to contact at least 3 new guys in the next 24 hours -just a little challenge! I know feeling like you're waiting is so hard.

[Alex39]

I finally just gave in and sent him a text. One of my friends put it like this - If you send him a text, which means very little, saying that you hope he has a good day, I don't think he is suddenly going to say 'ugh no yeah I don't like her anymore.'

 

So I did just that. He responded quite quickly saying " Hey! Sorry I missed ya. Crazy busy today. How are you?"

 

So I said "no worries, I have been busy with plans with my friends so I'm doing well. How is the week starting off?"

 

He responded "tiring lol. Any good memorial day plans?"

 

I said "No, not yet. In the past I've been asked to parties, but it seems my friends are wanting to do their own things this year."

 

I haven't heard back from him since. Which is fine. He was asking about me, so that was good I suppose. Now the ball is in his court for making a plan with me, so hopefully he does. I was telling me mom our conversation and she was criticizing me saying I was oversharing and talking too much. That I should have kept my answers short. I agree that maybe my answers were too long. I think I was trying too hard to seem like I have a life. But I can only just be me. My mother often does this and it makes me second guess everything. She's always like "well why did you say that?" So frustrating.

[mustlovedogs]

Be mindful of the "no worries" comments. You're telling him you're fine with him being MIA when you really aren't.

[IAmFCA]

I'm so sorry to do this but your mom is onto something. I wrote alternatives below that would have helped you hold more ground.

 

I finally just gave in and sent him a text. One of my friends put it like this - If you send him a text, which means very little, saying that you hope he has a good day, I don't think he is suddenly going to say 'ugh no yeah I don't like her anymore.'

 

So I did just that. He responded quite quickly saying " Hey! Sorry I missed ya. Crazy busy today. How are you?"

 

GOOD, THANKS. BUSY IN A GOOD WAY?

 

So I said "no worries, I have been busy with plans with my friends so I'm doing well. How is the week starting off?"

 

He responded "tiring lol. Any good memorial day plans?"

 

STAYING LOCAL, HOW ABOUT YOU?

 

I said "No, not yet. In the past I've been asked to parties, but it seems my friends are wanting to do their own things this year."

 

I haven't heard back from him since. Which is fine. He was asking about me, so that was good I suppose. Now the ball is in his court for making a plan with me, so hopefully he does. I was telling me mom our conversation and she was criticizing me saying I was oversharing and talking too much. That I should have kept my answers short. I agree that maybe my answers were too long. I think I was trying too hard to seem like I have a life. But I can only just be me. My mother often does this and it makes me second guess everything. She's always like "well why did you say that?" So frustrating.

 

 

 

I have been in your shoes more than I'd like to admit. Trying to learn how to speak in a more general fashion myself. The rule that helps me is - turn it back to the other person, and - ask a question.

[katrina1980]

 

So I did just that. He responded quite quickly saying " Hey! Sorry I missed ya. Crazy busy today. How are you?"

 

So I said "no worries, I have been busy with plans with my friends so I'm doing well. How is the week starting off?"

 

He responded "tiring lol. Any good memorial day plans?"

I said "No, not yet. In the past I've been asked to parties, but it seems my friends are wanting to do their own things this year."

 

I haven't heard back from him since. Which is fine.

 

Good, I am glad you think it's fine. Now go ahead and make some weekend plans, cause it doesn't sound like he intends to see you.

 

He may but don't wait around, make your own plans.

 

But whatever you do, DON'T allow him to pull what he did last weekend, demanding you quit your plans with friends (last minute) and dash over to his for some "cuddling and oral."

 

I advised this earlier; get back on line, or simply get out of the house and start meeting other guys.

[IAmFCA]

Good, I am glad you think it's fine. Now go ahead and make some weekend plans, cause it doesn't sound like he intends to see you.

 

He may but don't wait around, make your own plans.

 

But whatever you do, DON'T allow him to pull what he did last weekend, demanding you quit your plans with friends (last minute) and dash over to his for some "cuddling and oral."

 

I advised this earlier; get back on line, or simply get out of the house and start meeting other guys.

 

And invest in some other activities to meet more friends.

[Batya33]

I disagree with your friends. It's not that he "suddenly won't like you" it's that if he was still considering calling you to ask you out again your needy, transparent text (both since he knows full well he's been MIA and made no plans to see you yet including on a holiday weekend) can shift the interest downward, be a turn off. I've been on both sides of this. No, I don't think you made a huge mistake at all -it's no "big" deal, I just disagree with your friend's logic/approach.

 

Now you have your answer. He is happy to respond politely to a text and that's all. I'd move on and invest in more activities and I'm sorry he's doing a slow fade kind of thing. He did have a lot of issues and that is probably why the slow fade.