Are these huge red flags?

[DancingFool]

Sorry OP but it sounds like you have a mother who is actually very dominant, controlling, and at times may be emotionally manipulative. I am not implying that she is an awful person, btw, simply that her personality overrides yours. The result of which is that she has not allowed you to grow up and develop your own sense of self. The result is exactly what you are dealing with - self doubt, poor sense of self, second guessing yourself, anxiety, etc. You haven't actually learned how to be yourself and exercise independent judgment and actually feel comfortable with it. Fortunately, it's never too late to learn.

[Alex39]

Yeah you are right. I am slightly prioritizing this guy over my family already which has me too attached. If my family lived closer it wouldn't be a big deal. But when I do see my family, its two hours to see them and it takes almost a whole weekend. So its a lot of my time. I will go home this weekend and see my family and give them the time that they want. That is what I would normally have done if I didn't have the guy. So I need to just live MY life. I feel like my family is excited for me to meet someone. But then when I do, they complain that I have no time for them anymore. When I remind them that I don't live down the road, my mother immediately goes back on me and says "You chose this, you chose to move there."

 

I got my job here. I didn't get a job closer to her. My job is here so I had to make my life here.

 

I am trying hard to keep my cool, and lay off and just live my life. I am just so excited about this guy. He seems great and we have chemistry. It is so rare for me to find someone with whom I feel something with. I've been single most of my life, because I lack chemistry with people. I'm excited and a tad obsessive. I'm trying to control it. Its hard. I keep trying to give myself pep talks. Focus on me. Focus on my good life. Continue living your life for you. Keep just being yourself. There is no need to rush. We like each other. So there's no need to rush anything. I don't want to rush him. I would never want to rush him and push him away. I feel bad if I have been giving off a clingy vibe. My friends insist I haven't, but I worry like always. One of my girl friends even said I should be flattered. I asked her why? And she said he said he is emotionally fragile and wants to take things slow, and he will need more time to emotionally open up. He said how he is definitely more emotionally fragile than I am. My friend said, I should take that as a compliment. He sees that you have your head and your heart sorted out. You are stronger than him, and he sees you are resilient. You know what you want. He sees all of that.

 

I never thought of it that way before, but I guess she is right. I mean, my dating profile was very clear, and other men online told me that they were impressed because it was clear I knew exactly what I wanted. I do. I've been threw the ringer and I know what I want in and from a man in my life. I immediately said no, to him wanting me to drop everything I was doing and run to him at his house this past Monday.

 

I'm not an afterthought. I'm not just a cuddle buddy. I like to plan ahead. I won't ditch my friends. I won't jump like a puppy for him. Standards, I want to keep. I need to stay strong and keep them. With my ex, I was a softy. I literally jumped for him 24/7. Never again will I do that, because then I lose who I am.

 

I don't know him all that well. I think in my head I keep thinking he knows me, but he doesn't. We need time to grow and learn about each other, so dating, as in, going on dates is necessary. I love doing physical things. We agreed no sex until relationship. I'm fine with that. But we did other physical things. I loved it, but I feel like maybe it got me a bit attached, so it maybe wasn't the best thing. But we've done things already so I can't just cut those off. It would be strange and a turn off to do that. I need to just better manage myself and my feelings. We have only been on 5 dates. I keep trying to remind myself. Be strong, and be myself. That is all I can do. I don't need to rush, because my life is the same whether I have this guy or not. So no need to worry. Just keep my head on straight. Its so hard. All I do is think of him.

[Alex39]

Sorry OP but it sounds like you have a mother who is actually very dominant, controlling, and at times may be emotionally manipulative. I am not implying that she is an awful person, btw, simply that her personality overrides yours. The result of which is that she has not allowed you to grow up and develop your own sense of self. The result is exactly what you are dealing with - self doubt, poor sense of self, second guessing yourself, anxiety, etc. You haven't actually learned how to be yourself and exercise independent judgment and actually feel comfortable with it. Fortunately, it's never too late to learn.

 

Yes, and Yes. My mother can be a know it all. She is smart, and an amazing woman. She taught me to be independent and be able to live on my own, which I do. I take care of myself. But growing up, she often would decide everything for me. She was right, always right. I got in the pattern of looking to her for decisions because she was right. She made it so we rarely made mistakes. Then at times, when I was to make my own decisions and I chose things on my own, she would immediately show her disdain if it wasn't what she would do. She does often. If I show her a dress I really liked so I bought at a store, she will say "Well it isn't my style. I don't know why you bought that."

 

Or if I tell her commentary between me and this boy she will say "Oh you said that, like that? Why would you say that, it makes you look like this? You seem unsure of yourself to him because you said that."

 

It makes me paranoid and second guess myself. Then it makes me change myself. Not say things I would normally say naturally, and change how I am thinking I need to say things a certain way because I don't want to come across like this or that.

 

I just want to be confident in myself, something I have struggled with for a long time. I want to be strong and confident. I know its in there. I've been strong before, but with this new guy I'm excited and weak. I am still afraid to be my true self in front of him. I'm still in the 'must seen as perfect as possible' stage

[Batya33]

A best friend knows how to give space and knows how to let you be yourself. Your mother is not acting like a best friend IMO.

 

You met someone you've been on 4-5 dates with. That's all. Please try to keep your expectations in check a bit more since when you don't you risk saying/doing things that are not consistent with being in a potentially healthy relationship down the road with him.

[Alex39]

Yes I know. 5 dates, I keep telling myself. Just chill out. Its so hard. I think about him constantly. I'm trying not to. I keep trying to focus on my life, but I keep thinking about him. I keep overthinking and getting excited. I am making plans with friends and trying to fill my life up with things, but my thoughts are running wild. I cannot control it. I don't want to rush. I don't want to rush him. I keep telling myself over and over again. I want to get to know each other. I want to grow naturally. I want to be best friends, and lovers eventually if it comes to that. I don't want to be clingy and needy. I have a good life. I have good things going for me. I never expected to find him online. He isn't my type, but he is, because I totally dig him.

 

How do I stop this overthinking. I keep trying everything I can to stop it. Like later I am making myself go grocery shopping and do laundry so I have things to do. I don't want to fall into it where he is on a pedestal and I am sitting with my hand up like "pick me, pick me." That is not a good mindset to be in and I don't want to think that way. We should mutually each choose to see each other. Not one person pining after the other person.

 

He texted me earlier, telling me about his day and I told him about mine. He hasn't responded to me, which is fine because I know he has a crazy busy day today and tonight. Its okay if we don't talk. I guess I hate not having set plans to see each other. I need to learn to live in the moment and not worry. He said he wants to see me, so why am I so paranoid. My friends keep telling me that I am crazy and he likes me and he is probably thinking he likes me more than I like him, so he is being cautious and doesn't want to rush into anything. They are probably right.

 

I'm crazy. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to control this. I even went back on online dating and started talking to some guys, hoping it would help me not be so crazy with my thoughts, but it hasn't helped. I don't know what else to do. I don't know why I am so freaked out. He and I like each other, we are dating, or going out on dated regularly. Nothing is wrong.

[Alex39]

And here I am just overthinking. He tells me he is okay with physical stuff. Likes being naked etc... We do some fooling around, oral sex. But he says he doesn't want to have sex intercourse until we are in a relationship. Then he tells me he is emotionally fragile and he wants to take things slow. He says he gets overly attached and becomes a softy too quickly, so he doesn't want to rush anything.

 

Emotionally he doesn't want to rush, but physically he's fine besides sex. Now he wants to cuddle and fool around all the time, and also go on dates, which is good. But I am questioning if I should not be staying over his place anymore because, if I give him everything, then he doesn't ever need to commit. He can just be happy. He's getting everything from me anyway. I guess now maybe I am regretting staying over his place, but he never told me to leave. I overstayed my welcome. We just got so caught up and we were having a good time. He told me he loved waking up with me there.

 

And I'm confused because he says it will take him a bit longer to be emotionally open and stuff. But I feel like what does that actually entail. We've been butt naked going down on each other. That to me is vulnerable. But I guess its physical so its different? I think I'm afraid. I am already out there and feel like I want to get vulnerable with him already and he doesn't want to, but what does he mean by that? He will be more honest and open with me? He told me all of his baggage on the first few dates. He told me he trusts me, because I took all of his baggage in stride and didn't judge him.

 

I don't want to rush or pressure him. I want it to work, if its meant to be, so I don't want to mess it up rushing things. Maybe we only see each other twice a week, with no sleepovers? I feel like I am seeking reassurance and guidelines, of which I don't have and can't get. I hate the unknown and he seems to really like me. I just want to be comfortable and be myself, but no knowing scares me and makes me cautious.

 

I can't pull back on the physical stuff now. We've already broached that and it'd be a slap in the face and make it a turn off for me to totally not allow it. Maybe I just have to make sure I limit my time and no more sleepovers.

 

I think I'm also nervous because we keep saying we are getting to know each other, and we are. But I don't know what else I can tell him about myself. I've pretty much told him the basics of everything. My family, my hobbies, my job, my lifestyle. He's done the same. So I don't know what else I can do.

 

I think I need to stop living for the future and live in the present. What it is instead of what I am thinking it will be. Its so hard to do this. We go on a date. It is a date. Nothing more. We have good times, and then I go back to my life when he isn't around.

[mustlovedogs]

Oral sex = sex, in my opinion. In fact I consider it far more intimate than penetrative sex.

 

I don't think this no sex till commitment thing is valid if you're fooling around like this.

[Alex39]

The thing is I agree with you. But then at the same time, when I had only been with one person, was practically a virgin, I didn't agree. I thought oral sex wasn't as intimate as regular sex, so it was okay. They weren't inside of you per se. I used to think like that, but now I don't anymore. But I am giving this guy the benefit of the doubt. He said he has no idea what he is doing and has never dated as an adult. He's been in a relationship since he was 16 and only been with the one girl ever. So like the old me, he probably thinks oral isn't as important, because he doesn't have any experience to compare it to.

 

He's excited and wants to try things with me. I enjoy it to. I liked every minute of it. It was exciting since I too have only been with one person.

 

He seems like he wants to date exclusively (not seeing other people) and go slow towards a relationship. We don't have sex until we are in a relationship, but we continue fooling around and having sleepovers? He told me he doesn't want to rush and all the stuff about being emotionally fragile. Then we were making out and my top came off. Then he asks if I want to go upstairs to his bedroom. But emotionally he doesn't want to rush, but physically he loves to cuddle and fool around? And we end up in his bedroom doing stuff. I sleep over. We do more stuff in the morning. Then he asks me to come back the next day. We watch a movie and then we go back upstairs and fool around again. I tell him I don't want to just be some girl he cuddles with and we never go out anymore. He says definitely not and that we still should go on dates. He wants to come here and we go hiking again. But then he mentions how he doesn't mind if we end up naked after the dates. Which I mean, I'm okay with, and I enjoyed everything we did. He was very mutual and giving to me and kind to me. But then again, I want a relationship down the road. But we aren't rushing emotionally getting close, but physically he says he's fine as long as we don't have intercourse. I'm confused.

[Batya33]

I don't think oral sex is the same as intercourse because then you don't have to have the pregnancy discussion and I personally think intercourse is far more intimate. However, there is a risk of STDs so I'm not sure how you've chosen to handle that.

 

There is no "trying" not to overthink -there's only doing -meaning choosing methods that work for you so that you react to the overthinking or starting to overthink by doing whatever that thing is that stops the overthinking process.

 

He doesn't want to rush into being committed to you. He is fine having oral sex with you. Two different things IMO.

 

As far as him getting to know you and you him you need to get to know him over a long period of time -the better part of a year -how he reacts to family holidays, being sick, you being sick, vacations with you and without you, national holidays, issues at work, successes at work, friends coming to town, relatives coming to town, how he treats waitstaff, customer service people, cab drivers, etc. It's not just about telling him in words about you, or you, him.

[Alex39]

I'm not going to lie. I was a bit disappointed about waking up today on Thursday, now afternoon and not having set plans for this weekend, today, or tomorrow with him. I know he has been busy. I just figured us seeing each other twice a week is average and not pushing things. But as of now, we have no plans. I made plans with my family for Saturday so I won't be around. It is what it is. I am not going to chase him. I am okay, but great, but I am okay. Nothing is wrong between us. I guess just the ebb and flow of first dating. I keep reminding myself that nothing has happened that has gone wrong, and everything is okay. He likes me, and I like him.

 

Secondly on a side note, he told me more about his past relationship this past weekend. I asked him more about what happened. He doesn't give me real examples ever, just situational things. So he told me, he has a counselor. He said his counselor put it like this to him. Its like he was holding a cup of water. The cup was full, so he went around walking with it, not spilling it. It was full and good. He could handle it. But then his fiancee started pouring him more water, now the glass was really full. He tried so hard to keep the glass steady, but it became harder and harder. Then he started spilling some water, here and there. It was too much. She started getting frustrated that he was spilling the water, but he was trying so hard not to.

 

He told me this was their relationship and why it ended.

[DancingFool]

"He tells me he is okay with physical stuff. Likes being naked etc... We do some fooling around, oral sex. But he says he doesn't want to have sex intercourse until we are in a relationship. Then he tells me he is emotionally fragile and he wants to take things slow. He says he gets overly attached and becomes a softy too quickly, so he doesn't want to rush anything."

 

I think with all that thinking, you are somehow completely overlooking some major red flags that are coming up with this guy....... The above is a forest of red flags.

 

Simple rule of thumb, stick to men who are mentally and emotionally healthy and avoid getting involved with those who are telling you to your face they are neither of those things.

[Alex39]

"He tells me he is okay with physical stuff. Likes being naked etc... We do some fooling around, oral sex. But he says he doesn't want to have sex intercourse until we are in a relationship. Then he tells me he is emotionally fragile and he wants to take things slow. He says he gets overly attached and becomes a softy too quickly, so he doesn't want to rush anything."

 

I think with all that thinking, you are somehow completely overlooking some major red flags that are coming up with this guy....... The above is a forest of red flags.

 

Simple rule of thumb, stick to men who are mentally and emotionally healthy and avoid getting involved with those who are telling you to your face they are neither of those things.

 

To me, he isn't saying that he is not well or mentally there. He told me he loves relationships and values monogamy. He likes me a lot and wants to continue to see me. He said he doesn't want to rush anything, because he is emotionally fragile and needs more time to be able to open up, which I respect. He told me that when he likes someone he falls very hard. He get so in deep, fast, and he becomes such a softy and gets super attached. To me, he is saying how he doesn't want to fall so hard too fast. He wants to go slow so that he doesn't fall hard and fast. He wants to let it progress naturally. He said he is okay physically doing some stuff because we enjoy it and its physical vulnerability, but he doesn't want to have sex right away until we are in a relationship, because he values having sex and being close with someone in that way as something relationship worthy and special. I feel the same way.

 

I read this article that was interesting:

 

/

[DancingFool]

I am not suggesting and would never suggest that if a guy doesn't want to get you in bed right away there is something wrong with him. Frankly, there isn't and I have a lot more respect for men who do need time to get to know someone before going there rather than those who will hump anything with a pulse. HOWEVER, there is a big difference between friendship, connection and ultimately intimacy building up organically and a guy actually telling you he is "emotionally fragile". Yes, he is telling you that he is not an emotionally healthy person and has issues. You are, imo, making a lot of excuses for enough red flags to supply China for a year.

[LaHermes]

Amen to that, Dancing.

 

"Simple rule of thumb, stick to men who are mentally and emotionally healthy and avoid getting involved with those who are telling you to your face they are neither of those things."

 

I cannot fathom why so many, a big percentage, are drawn like moths to a lamp by the unhinged, unstable, and the crazy-making ones.....

[katrina1980]

Amen to that, Dancing.

 

"Simple rule of thumb, stick to men who are mentally and emotionally healthy and avoid getting involved with those who are telling you to your face they are neither of those things."

 

I cannot fathom why so many, a big percentage, are drawn like moths to a lamp by the unhinged, unstable, and the crazy-making ones.....

 

I think because they themselves are a bit unhinged, unstable and crazy-making.

 

I mean no disrespect to amkxoxo, but look at her posts.

 

Another poster wrote they are akin to short novels, and I agree. She is completely obsessed, anxiety-ridden and at times unhinged herself, or appears to be. Emotionally fragile, perhaps even more so than he is! I doubt he is obsessing this much nor feels nearly as anxious.

 

Not to mention, I am still not convinced he is not feeding her a load of BS. I mean, how many times does he or any man need to tell the woman he's dating how "emotionally fragile" he is? I mean seriously?

 

I can I understand feeling vulnerable, but come on now.

 

She has also admitted she has loads of issues herself.

 

We "attract" who we "are." And vice versa. I truly believe that.

 

I am not surprised one bit that she and this guy were (or are) drawn to each other and got together, no matter how dysfunctional it is.

 

Wish her the best though.

[Alex39]

I feel bad. I cannot help how I feel inside. I am a bit obsessive. I really like him. Its hard not to be excited and a bit nervous.

 

He has anxiety. I also have anxiety. His is actually worse than mine. He takes medication and sees a counselor. I saw a counselor for a while, but it got to the point where she and I felt that I no longer needed her. I am working on myself by myself now. I am stronger than I used to be. I am happy with my life. I have good things going for me whether I am single or not. I need to keep my perspective clear. I'm trying to work heavily on this. Not to worry unless I have a reason to worry. I think I am obsessing because I keep going over things he and I did and said making sure nothing went wrong along the way. We are already in talks today about making plans. He is very casual about it, almost too casual, but he also is currently moving so I think he has a lot going on right now.

 

I keep telling myself that if he wasn't interested, he would not keep texting me. He would definitely not want to come down to see me. He would not have made sure we were on the same page about us. He would have not begged me to come to him this past Monday. I keep overthinking, when in reality everything is fine. I need to chill out. I'm trying, truly, I am. I'm scared. All my friends and family think he definitely is into me and wants to keep seeing just me, so nothing is wrong. Why I keep obsessing that something is, is crazy. I need to stay confident, myself, and content. He clearly likes me so far for me just being me. I need to remember that. Nothing is wrong, unless it is wrong. My counselor taught me that. Am I worrying pre-maturely? Yes, I am. And I need to stop. I like him and want to keep seeing him. He likes me too and wants to keep making plans. So nothing is wrong.

 

What he tells me is what I know. I need to stop speculating. It is what it is, and not what it isn't.

[Batya33]

As I've suggested each date is your last unless you have a time and place plan for another date. So aovid getting too attached until you have an understanding that you two are exclusive and going to see each other regularly.

[katrina1980]

As I've suggested each date is your last unless you have a time and place plan for another date. So aovid getting too attached until you have an understanding that you two are exclusive and going to see each other regularly.

 

Batya, I have A LOT of respect for you but telling someone who suffers from extreme anxiety (GAD) and/or obsessive/compulsive disorder (OCD) which personally I believe amkxoxo suffers from, to simply "avoid getting attached" is like trying to tell a tree to stop growing. NOT gonna happen!

 

amk is already extremely attached and she will remain attached, and become even more attached, until she seeks some professional help from someone other than a "counselor," who can properly diagnose and place her on the proper meds.

 

Frankly I am not sure why this has not happened yet. amk, surely feeling this way can't be fun for you AT ALL.

 

There is nothing wrong with reaching out for help, you need it, isn't it obvious?

 

I myself suffer from a disorder (Bipolar 2) and have been placed on meds before. At the time, they helped me tremendously!!

 

But I have since learned ways to manage my symptoms without the use of meds. That is NOT to say I still don't suffer from severe mood swings from time to time (when something in my life triggers it), but for the most part I do okay on my own.

 

But if there ever came a time when I could not manage, for whatever reason, I wouldn't hesitate for a second to seek professional help again, and possibly be placed on the proper meds again. That's precisely what they're for. To balance out the chemical "imbalance" in your brain.

 

Anyway, right now, it has become obvious that you CANNOT manage on your own, you need help.

 

Please, seek help. ENA is great but we are not professionals. We can only do so much, and frankly at this point all this forum is doing is enabling your obsessive, compulsive, anxious behavior. You keep going round and round talking about the same issues, same problems throughout this entire thread, which is now up to 30 pages long!

 

All this is doing is keeping you STUCK, and preventing you from seeking help, making a change, moving forward in a positive productive way..

 

Sometimes, it's best to shut down the computer, reach out to someone (a qualified professional) who can truly help you on a deeper level than any of us can.

 

I think that time has come.

 

Again, I wish you nothing but the best of luck. I know better than anyone how difficult it is to overcome these types of issues.

[Batya33]

I am not a mental health professional and I do know that in general one can control how much one chooses to get attached to someone else, or how to distance oneself. If her particular mental health issue means she is not capable of making those choices I don't think she'd be dating. I meant no harm by it and actually was parroting her constant writing about how she's living her own life, doing her best not to overthink, etc.

[boltnrun]

So, he's fine with physical closeness but he has trouble with emotional closeness.

 

Sounds like he wants permission to "fool around" without having to actually be in a relationship with you.

 

You say it "seems like" you two are dating exclusively. What are you basing this off of? Did he SAY he's dating you exclusively? Or are you assuming?

 

And if he's dating others, how would you feel if you find out he is having oral sex with other women he's dating?

[katrina1980]

Deleted. Nevermind.

 

Good look amkxoxo.

[Alex39]

So, he's fine with physical closeness but he has trouble with emotional closeness.

 

Sounds like he wants permission to "fool around" without having to actually be in a relationship with you.

 

You say it "seems like" you two are dating exclusively. What are you basing this off of? Did he SAY he's dating you exclusively? Or are you assuming?

 

And if he's dating others, how would you feel if you find out he is having oral sex with other women he's dating?

 

He told me he values and loves monogamy and relationships. He still refuses to have sex with me, not that I am begging for it. I'm on the same page as he is there. We agreed no sex until we are in a relationship. I plan on sticking to it and he is too. I asked if he was seeing anyone else and he said no. He told me I am the only person to be in his bed besides his ex. I am the only person he has kissed, and done anything else with besides her. He said he is not into hooking up with people at all and wouldn't do it just to do it.

 

I was hanging out with him last night. We were fooling around and overall just spending some time together. He started asking me about if I was on birth control and if I used condoms with my last boyfriend. I told him yes and yes and he said "good girl." This to me makes him responsible. Seems to me he wants to be prepared if we do have sex, whenever that is, no rush of course. He told me he doesn't have any condoms yet, but he is very safe and always wears one.

 

He told me I could stay over. I was back and forth about it and going home for the night. But a bad storm rolled in while I was there. Bad wind, rain, thunder, lightning. I figured it would have passed but it lasted well into the night. I wasn't going to drive home in that. Something was mentioned by him about me going home. I then felt weird and reminded him that he was the one that told me to stay over in the first place, and I would have gone home earlier if thats what he wanted. Then he said he felt nervous about it, because its emotional and he's scared. I offer again for me to go home. He said "Sure, in the morning." I told him I didn't want to pressure him or make him uncomfortable at all. I again offered to go home, but told him he was the one that asked me to stay. He again said I should stay, so I did. It was too bad out for me to drive, so I was sort of stuck anyway. He said he was fine with it. I then told him I was scared too.

[Batya33]

I think it was fine to stay over if it was unsafe to drive back -nothing to do with emotions or dating. He is not seeing other people but he is keeping his options open since you two are not exclusive so I would be careful about STDs if you are having oral sex. He might not have oral sex with other women but since you two are not exclusive it's perfectly ok for him to look to date others.

[Alex39]

Yeah I know we are not committed. We are barely up on a month so far, so I don't expect to rush into it. I went home yesterday, and I suddenly have a renewed sense of confidence. I am in control. I have control. I have nothing to lose at this point. I feel better about myself. I am confused about him and the situation we are in, but not worried as much as I was. I am strong and I can only just be me. I need to stay confident and not turn to mush for a man, though I think I was quite mushy last night. I knew I shouldn’t have said yes to seeing him last minute, but I wanted to so I couldn’t say no. I think he thinks I’m undecided and soft. I made it clear though that he should have asked me earlier and he owed me. He laughed and agreed.

 

I feel stupid for driving all that way to him like a puppy. I guess it did make me look like I would just run and jump for him. I didn’t this past Monday. I said no. But this time around I was a bit weak as I wanted to see him more than I did on Monday. I made it clear to him talking last night that I like plans ahead of time, and he needs to come to me next. He keeps saying he is planning on coming my way next and he really wants to spend some time with me outside since the weather has been so nice and I live near a nice waterway.

 

I guess I was just so confused. He asked me to stay over. When I got there he even had me set my phone alarm for the morning time. And then later in the night he seemed to be second guessing, mentioning something about a work night and maybe not the best idea and not making it a habit. I was floored. Then why was I even there to begin with? He did say he would like to do it more on weekends. Maybe he wanted to see me real bad and wasn’t thinking clearly about the work thing. And then his eyes opened to being more responsible.

 

Maybe he was afraid for me to stay because he is scared of getting more attached than me?

 

Maybe he thought I didn't want to stay and he was giving me an out. He tends to do this when we make plans. He gets nervous and seems to almost give me an out if I want it. One of which I have yet to take. This leads me to believe he has some fears of rejection. But I don't know for sure. He seems confident one minute and scared the next. It confuses me.

 

He asked me to and then seemed unsure. I didn’t want to pressure him, but it did make me a bit mad. I told him “I wouldn’t have driven here and stayed so late if I wasn’t staying over, because it just wouldn’t have been worth the trip for me.” I feel bad because I then made him feel guilty, which is pressure. But I was a bit peeved, that he seemed unsure. Then I was unsure. After that I kept saying “I don’t know what to do now. I should maybe leave. Maybe this wasn’t a great idea. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should leave and go home before it gets too late.” But I didn’t really make any valiant move to stop cuddling with him and he just kept cuddling with me and not making a move either.

 

Then I thought I should leave, but then the storm made it hard to drive. I told him so. I think it came more across as me using the storm as an excuse to stay. Maybe I was using it that way. I am not good at driving in the dark and in the rain. Maybe I should have left at that point as to not make things weird. I told him this was making things weird. And then told me I should stay and he wants me to stay, but to me he was only saying I could stay, because I said that other stuff causing guilt.

 

I told him I was sorry if I overstayed my welcome the previous Saturday, and that I didn’t mean to pressure or rush anything in any way. He said I didn’t and he liked it and he never kicked me out. He laughed and said how he called me back on Sunday to see him because he wanted to see me again so soon. “Does that sound like someone who doesn’t like you or thinks you overstayed your welcome.” He was right on that.

 

We talked more last night about our sexual pasts and what we had done and not done. Which I think is healthy to talk about. We agreed again that we would not be having sex until we are in a relationship. I agreed with him and we both seem strong in our will to uphold this, which I like. I want to wait too.

 

He started asking me if I was on the pill. I said yes. And then he asked about whether or not my ex and I used condoms. I told him, every single time. He said “good girl.”

 

Why ask about that if we aren’t having sex anytime soon? But then I appreciate that he seems responsible and wants to know. I wouldn’t sleep with anyone without any of that and neither will he. Such a confusing situation. After last night my friends agree that he is giving a bit if mixed signals. Doesn’t want to rush, but insists I come to him to stay over, but then is unsure about staying over. Seems all over the place emotionally.

[Batya33]

I think you are making it confusing. It's not confusing. This is a new person in your life who you've been on a handful of dates with. You chose to and wanted to sleep in his bed and have oral sex and hook up. He doesn't want to be exclusive with you yet and his reason is because he's emotionally fragile. He doesn't want intercourse till he's in a relationship. He says he sees potential for the future. Try to hear what he's saying about not wanting a commitment yet (in that one case I think words are far more important than actions) and I would stop second-guessing/apologizing so much in front of him -that can get annoying and eventually be a turn off. It's a mistake IMO to overthink and second-guess and then indulge in "oh but it's so confusing." It's not.