Are these huge red flags?

[Batya33]

Great! Hope you enjoy your date -one date at a time.

[Alex39]

Thank you. What I'm struggling with is the communication piece. How often should I text him?

 

He tells me funny things about his day sometimes. We text a lot. I don't want it to grow stale.

 

Sometimes I try to do the same and he's busy and doesn't answer me and I feel like a loser or boring like what I said isn't important enough to respond to or that hes sitying thinking well jeez tjia girl keeps texting me and im not answeting because im busy. Or like making plans. He's anxious and isn't pushy. Always asking what I want to do and what I'm comfortable with. It's so nice. But I feel weird about being forward and asking him to do something. Like im being too interested or desperate to see him.

[katrina1980]

I like him. He's cute, like nerdy but handsome. He's smart. He's mature besides his occasional weekend partying. He's great. I want to see him again, more. I think I'm trying so hard to not appear clingy or too interested because in the past when I liked someone me showing interest turned them off. I'm afraid because he's solid, secure, and a good man. Man, not a boy. I'm afraid if I throw myself into it entirely that he will turn around and step back and I'll be crushed. We had a great time. It was fun and easy and he tried so hard and I loved it. He told me something really personal that he thought I should know. He wanted to be honest from the get go. He's adorable. Sweet. Funny. Considerate. His laugh is adorable. His outfit was cute. The way he talked about his work was so inspiring. All of it was good.

 

This sounds good amk. A bit more interested and enthusiastic than your last post!

 

You've got the right attitude about not getting too invested too soon. When I am really clicking/vibing with a guy, I tend to do that also so I "get it" .... although to my credit, I do my best to contain it (within myself) so as to not overwhelm him, and (gasp) scare him off.

 

Sometimes this has resulted in me appearing "too" elusive though, which isn't good either; so it's a bit of a balancing act. Although the guys remain interested, it's confusing for them because they can't read me. I have had guys tell me this, that they can't "read" me. So working on that.

 

Show interest but not "too" much interest, express enthusiasm but not "too" much enthusiasm, ugh. It's not easy! Like I said, it's a balance which I am still learning.

 

Anyhoo agree with Batya. Try to not overthink too much, take it one date at a time and enjoy, have fun!!

 

After a few bumps, it all sounds good; I just hope if you continue dating he is able to get a handle on his insecurity. Hopefully he will!

 

Fingers crossed this works out for you, keep us posted!

[Wiseman2]

Excellent you had a nice date. Does he know you know about the DUI?

He had taken an uber there.

Wasn't huge fan of driving at night.

[katrina1980]

Thank you. What I'm struggling with is the communication piece. How often should I text him?

 

He tells me funny things about his day sometimes. We text a lot. I don't want it to grow stale.

 

Sometimes I try to do the same and he's busy and doesn't answer me and I feel like a loser or boring like what I said isn't important enough to respond to or that hes sitying thinking well jeez tjia girl keeps texting me and im not answeting because im busy. Or like making plans. He's anxious and isn't pushy. Always asking what I want to do and what I'm comfortable with. It's so nice. But I feel weird about being forward and asking him to do something. Like im being too interested or desperate to see him.

 

I think you need to learn ways to manage your anxiety. Seriously. I run and do yoga, am also looking into taking a dance class, stay moving and keep busy .... this way you won't think so much and worry that he is not replying to your texts fast enough.

 

Also, stop texting so much! Make a date and leave things until your date. Maybe touch base a day or two before it. If he texts you, respond back with something short and light. Don't continue texting for hours like you've been doing, big mistake!

 

Let him wonder about you a bit and miss you .... and you wonder and miss him too; THAT is how you keep things from becoming stale!

 

Plus since you are not texting, you won't be so worried and anxious about not hearing back!

 

That is how I do it, I love that feeling of missing the guy I am dating; it makes me all the more excited to see him! It builds attraction.

 

Try it, you might like it!

[mustlovedogs]

Excellent you had a nice date. Does he know you know about the DUI?

 

Very valid point. He may not have a drivers license and be using that as an excuse.

[Batya33]

Thank you. What I'm struggling with is the communication piece. How often should I text him?

 

He tells me funny things about his day sometimes. We text a lot. I don't want it to grow stale.

 

Sometimes I try to do the same and he's busy and doesn't answer me and I feel like a loser or boring like what I said isn't important enough to respond to or that hes sitying thinking well jeez tjia girl keeps texting me and im not answeting because im busy. Or like making plans. He's anxious and isn't pushy. Always asking what I want to do and what I'm comfortable with. It's so nice. But I feel weird about being forward and asking him to do something. Like im being too interested or desperate to see him.

 

There is no "always" -this is a person you met once in person and you're now planning your first date. Since he says he would like to see you, planning isn't pushy -it's just details. I would limit the texting and get to know him in person or by talking on the phone once in between dates.

[Jibralta]

Glad you had a great time!

[Alex39]

So today was second date. We went hiking. I was excited. He called me on the phone last night and we talked. Everything seems so good. We both seem interested. Today we met up. He insisted I do the hard trail with him. I had tried to do some flirting with him about it saying he will have to carry me and help me. I mean guys love to feel manly. So I get there and meet up with him and the puppy.

 

We start the hike. Seems good. He's very into the dog. Like very. People would stop and pet the dog and he was all about it. Fine. The dog is cute. Then was very into the dog doing the rocks and trail, and not me. I felt like second best. He reached out and grabbed my hand to help me a few times, but was all into the dog doing well. It was just very odd.

 

Then he talked to me about the amazing views. We get up there and we barely spend any time there. I felt rushed. I thought we would sit, relax, talk. He had told me he had plans with his buddy at 2-3pm. But then seemed unsure of plans when we were hiking. I asked him about his plans, and he said he hadn't heard back from his buddy yet. Then after the hike, he asks if I want to grab a coffee somewhere. I said sure. We meet at the coffee shop. We go in, we get drinks. He's engaged at first talking. Then we sit down. And I'm engaged facing him. He gets a text, says sorry, proceeds to answer it. And then he keeps slyly answering his phone throughout. He's facing out, and not at me. He's talking to me. He sucks down his coffee. I'm still drinking mine slowly.

 

I wanted to enjoy it and spend time with him. He then says "Oh tell me quickly about your thing that happened and then I got to run. My buddy texted me."

 

I was like what the heck. Like he was rushing us all day. And then ditching me for his friend?

 

I'm all for friends. I was just surprised. It just wasn't super great like our first one was. I felt slightly ignored and overlooked and not a priority.

 

So he walks me to my car, gives me a big hug. Says he will definitely be talking to me of course. Then tells me "Don't be a stranger."

 

Don't be a stranger? What the heck?

 

Now he's texting me asking me if I got home safe. He sent me picture of the dog passed out sleeping, and then said thank you.

 

It was nice, but I am just confused about the whole thing.

[Alex39]

I don't think it was terrible or super bad. I think he was trying to fit everything in for today and it was a rushed thing, which wasn't ideal. He hugged me goodbye and said he would definitely be talking to me, and that I should't be a stranger, because he wants me to text him too. So I mean if he didn't want to keep talking seeing each other I don't think he would say that if he was planning on not seeing me again. Guess it just wasn't great as the first.

[Batya33]

I do not like how he treated you. Not a huge deal to see him again but if you don't have another time and place planned just assume there is no next date. Also not a big deal if you text him but if he doesn't make another plan soon I'd move on. If you decided he was too rude to see again I'd totally agree for what it's worth.

As far as whether he is interested in you - I'd focus more on whether you think he's worthy of you. Who cares what it means as far as him wanting you to text him - consider whether as a first impression on your first real date he's someone you can see getting to know better as far as compatible values.

[Alex39]

He's texting me now. He keeps calling me "homegirl." I know I'm overthinking it. I told him how I'm eating so much food after our hike. He then replied saying yes, and he was out getting burgers with his buddy. Then I said "ooh have fun."

 

And he says "Cheers Homegirl. Happy Sunday."

 

He has called me homegirl on the phone and twice today earlier through text. Seems like a cute wording he likes to use. I told him how I went out with my girl friends last night and was helping them with creepy guys, and he said "Ah so you were watching out for your homegirls."

 

He also called me "mi amigo" today but it was a snarky text anyway, so I think it was meant to be funny.

 

Now I'm crazy thinking I'm being friend zoned. My friends think I am wrong and overthinking. My friends think homegirl is cute because its not as clingy and severe as a "babe" "Honey" or "sweetie" since we aren't a that stage, but its still a cute nickname.

 

Ahhh I'm so paranoid. I think I'm nervous because today didn't go so great.

 

I read this article online though that talked about "second date blues" and how a second date is always a little awkward and weird. Because the first date is fun, fancy dinner. Your getting to know the person. Its exciting.

 

The second date is more pressure. You are more casual. You've seen them before. You know you like each other somewhat because you agreed to go out again. You like them, so you are nervous, they are nervous too. My friends think he was super nervous for today and was focusing on the dog so it wasn't so awkward.

[Batya33]

But this was a first date -you met him for the first time recently to see if you should go on a date. I don't agree with your friends because nervous doesn't equate to rude/thoughtless. I wouldn't like being called homegirl by someone I barely knew -but it's not terrible. I would say if he doesn't make a plan to see you the next time he texts you or calls you then move on because it won't be friendzoning just simply him enjoying you as a chat buddy when he has time. Remember how he treated you today, like an afterthought.

[boltnrun]

I think texting during a date (unless it's a legit emergency) is rude. Not a result of nerves.

 

But, maybe he's socially awkward or for some reason isn't aware that it's inconsiderate.

 

I will tell you that I never again dated a guy who took a call on his phone, then proceeded to leave me alone in a bar for 20 minutes while he chatted with whomever it was.

 

As for "homegirl", that's a term I hear used when a guy likes a woman platonically and views her as a cool person to hang out with. Not as a romantic interest. But I can't speak for this man. Maybe he uses it as a term of affection.

 

I would give it one more date to see if there's a pattern.

[Batya33]

Agree with all of the above including the one more date - he was ride and thoughtless but also harmless.

[Alex39]

I just don't understand what has changed, and maybe I'm wrong, but what has changed to make him not be interested any longer? Maybe nothing is wrong. He was rushed and preoccupied and was trying to spend as much time with me as he could and he overextended himself.

 

I just felt like i was tagging along on a hike with him and the dog, not that I was there for a date with him and he bought his puppy. My friends think I'm overreacting. Maybe I am. I feel like I need my counselor stat. Maybe I'm not feeling or seeing things clearly. Maybe I'm overthinking. He's a nice guy overall, so maybe he didn't realize how he was coming across as rude.

[boltnrun]

Do you like him?

 

Seems like you're preoccupied with whether or not he likes you. It's not the same thing.

[Jibralta]

Do you like him?

 

Seems like you're preoccupied with whether or not he likes you. It's not the same thing.

 

Very true. Amkxoxo, what are your feelings?

[Batya33]

I just don't understand what has changed, and maybe I'm wrong, but what has changed to make him not be interested any longer? Maybe nothing is wrong. He was rushed and preoccupied and was trying to spend as much time with me as he could and he overextended himself.

 

I just felt like i was tagging along on a hike with him and the dog, not that I was there for a date with him and he bought his puppy. My friends think I'm overreacting. Maybe I am. I feel like I need my counselor stat. Maybe I'm not feeling or seeing things clearly. Maybe I'm overthinking. He's a nice guy overall, so maybe he didn't realize how he was coming across as rude.

 

Consider that he was never that interested in dating you. He was interested in chatting a lot and then interested in meeting you in person and going on one date after that. Many people do that in order to see if they are interested in dating the person again - early on many people change their minds and decide they're not interested in pursuing another date with the person and very often it's nothing personal. Maybe he met someone else who he had more in common with . At those early stages you will never know and you can assume it's nothing personal and move on. You don't know if he's a nice guy overall. You barely know him and you know he treated you rudely in the short time you met him in person.

[Alex39]

I like him so far. I didn't like the him taking off in the middle of coffee for his friend. But otherwise, I do like him. He seems solid and mature. Not like the other guys I have dated or met in the past. This guy has his career roots set down, his life roots set down. He's stable financially and seems more solid for a relationship. He has responsibilities in his life that he makes sure are met. I think this is all because he is a bit older than me, which I don't mind either. Its a refreshing change. I'd be open to one more date to see if it could be better than this past one. I have a feeling this past one was a flub and we would have a good time on another one. But maybe not. I'm open to finding out though.

 

I asked him why he calls me "homegirl"

 

He responded with "generic go to nickname I guess. Sorry Alexa Jane.(My first and middle name) I'll be more formal next time."

[Batya33]

You're making a lot of assumptions about him and you barely know him or who he is. You do know he had a DUI, you do know he has some shady stuff concerning a fiance (or former fiance), etc. Are you feeling a bit desperate? Seems like that from these broad assumptions you are making and your mindset in worrying so much about what he calls you, whether he is interested in going on a second date, etc.

[boltnrun]

But do you LIKE him? Not his list of qualifications (stable career, mature, financially stable).

 

Do you like HIM?

 

Or...do you want a boyfriend?

[Alex39]

On our first date, after dinner, he opened up to me about his DUI. He told me he did not want me finding out on my own and felt it was something he needed to tell me right off the bat. He told me that he was put on a depression medication and he went out to his friend’s house late at night. He said he had one beer. He said the medicine was newly in his system and he didn’t think it was going to make any impact, but mixed with the one beer, it totally interacted with him wrong and made him incapable of operating a motor vehicle. He hit someone’s car. Everyone was okay, but they charged him for being under the influence. Under the influence doesn’t always mean alcohol, in his case it was prescription medication. He said it’s really terrible and embarrassing and he hates it. He said he is a responsible person and how it was down the street from his school he teaches at and how embarrassing that was for him.

 

He also told me that what happened with his engagement is all in the past for him and he’s ready for a fresh start.

 

I am getting desperate. It’s my excessive overthinking. I’m trying to reign it in. I need to live in the moment. And I don’t know if I like him yet, I’m still getting to know him. So as much as I say I do, I think deep down I am unsure. I keep freaking out about whether he likes me or not, when I should be seeing if I like him and does he fit into my life. I keep panicking about when I will see him next and when he will answer my text message. He’s busy and I need to chill out. I keep over analyzing every word he says and looking for signs that he likes me, and overthinking every word I say as something that turns him off. When I truly open my eyes and look at it, I haven’t said or done anything that could have turned him off. I just have to be me and let things happen naturally. I was me on our first date, and now I’m losing myself. I want him to like me and get to know me for me.

 

Like even right now I keep checking my phone incessantly because he hasn’t answered me in two hours. He is at work and most likely busy.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately sounds like multidating and he has a certain routine.

[Alex39]

Unfortunately sounds like multi dating and he has a certain routine.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by that. Maybe he is seeing other people, but I mean last Friday night he called me on the phone. This past Tuesday he called me on the phone, this most recent Friday night he was home alone, we spoke all night. Saturday he went on a trip with his guy friends and then called me to talk on the phone when he got back at night. And yesterday he was with me part of the day and with his guy friends for the other part. He says he spends Sunday nights just relaxing and making out lesson plans, as he is a teacher.

 

He was also so nervous on our first date. I don't see him as some serial dater. He was so anxious and, it was so cute, but I don't see him as someone who is juggling women. Just not his personality. I could be wrong. He looks at my match profile almost every single day.