Are these huge red flags?

[Batya33]

Thanks for the continued support and advice. I appreciate all who took the time to read all of this. My friends all think he really likes me at this point. He talks to me everyday and even the call, drunk or not, was pretty cute. We don't have plans yet, so hopefully soon.

 

I know sometimes I seem crazy. I think I get so overly excited that someone could possibly like me and I get all giddy and nervous and want them to like me. Then I get all these expectations and keep overthinking it and putting so much pressure on the situation. I don't want to do this, but I just can't help it. I'm trying so hard to stop this behavior and thought process. Truly, I am trying to so hard. I get so in my head and then become self conscious thinking he won't like me if I am like this or like that. And I get so paranoid and I don't know what to say, and then if I don't hear from him in one hour, I just assume its over and I freak out. So far, he has been talking to me pretty steadily daily, and when he drops off, he always picks up the next day. I'm overthinking like crazy. We have nothing. We haven't even met, and here I am thinking that soon I am going to have a boyfriend. I need to stop this.

 

Anyone have any advice on managing expectations and keeping my cool and just being myself?

 

Constant self-talk/redirection/more exercise/snapping a rubber band. There is nothing to be "over" because nothing has begun. Yes, he likes chatting with you -that is obvious in the sense that people generally move towards pleasure and away from pain so if he didn't like chatting with you he wouldn't. It doesn't mean he has any real interest in meeting you in person and so far he has not shown real interest -so far there is no time/place plan to meet so assume that right now he likes chatting with you and if he also would like to meet you in person he will take actions to make that happen (words that are then followed up with action). I don't care if he texts you every five minutes -it has no relevance at all to his interest in meeting you in person -which right now is very close to zero or else he would have made a time/place plan with you especially since he knows you have an active profile.

 

Don't "try" just do it.

 

As far as self-conscious -there is nothing to analyze. He is a stranger for all practical and safety purposes. Until you meet in person to see if your body language/vibes/energy/presence, the way you interact with your environment and others click so that you should go on a first real date (just a date - it won't mean anything really about potential for anything beyond a potential first date) you know nothing about what he likes or doesn't like, or what you like or don't like.

 

He is nothing in your life except a stranger who you text with. That is all. Might that change? Sure, anything is possible -but focusing on the remote possibility that you will actually meet in person, that that meeting will lead to a first date, that that first date will lead to a second - please don't get ahead of yourself. "overly excited" that someone could "possibly like you?" Isn't your time worth more than investing in thinking about this stranger in connection to a goal of a romantic relationship?

[boltnrun]

Why do you just sit at home doing nothing, waiting for a man you don't even know in person to text you?

 

What is preventing you from leaving your house?

[catfeeder]

Anyone have any advice on managing expectations and keeping my cool and just being myself?

 

I already raised one of the best ways: set up quick meets with lots of people and stop sitting at home ruminating and living in your own head.

 

Get out of your own way. If you're not up for meeting lots of men, then go visit friends, family, participate in your community, get to know your neighbors. Help people with their projects or find something interesting to learn. Stop isolating. It has you spinning your mind over nits, and that will keep you self conscious--not to mention, it will make you very fussy and boring.

[Alex39]

I guess maybe you are not seeing things clearly. I have a life. I have friends, and family. I work 40 hours a week and then part time a few hours. I am in a class and have to do homework and study. This past weekend, I went out Thursday with a friend for drinks, Friday I stayed home and did homework. Saturday I spent the whole day shopping and out with friends, and Sunday I went hiking with friends. I try and fill my life with things to do. But I can’t be distracted and with other people 24/7. It’s the down time sitting at my desk at work or sitting at home, nights when I have free time, that have me overthinking things. I try to do as many activities as I can. Also, about dating tons of men and going out with tons of men. It just isn’t my style. I am open to going out with many to see how things go, but I’m not getting asked out left and right from tons of men to even fill my life with an excessive amount of dating. I have a date with someone this Saturday night. This other guy whom I’ve been talking about on here says he wants to see me before the weekend so we are in process of making plans and he says he’s hoping to see me Sunday too.

[Alex39]

Also on another note, I think I am just a bit confused about this guys attitude about hanging out with me. He seems into hanging out with me and making a plan, but then seems nervous or unsure when we try and actually plan something. My friends think he's maybe nervous to meet me, but he seems so scatter brained about it. Its strange. This weekend he did the drunk calling. Tells me he likes me and how I sound pretty and then keeps saying how we need to make plans. To me, when you are drunk, you are pretty honest and open with what your true thoughts are, so I felt he was expressing his inner thoughts.

 

He talked to me on Saturday texting all day. Saturday night he asks if I want to go hiking with him the next day, Sunday. I tell him I already have plans with friends but want to plan something with him soon. He acts sort of disappointed in some text message afterwards, but then we get right back to chatting away. Monday we talk literally all day long texting, chatting, and having good conversations. He says he can't wait to take me hiking on this trail and how great the view is and he can't wait to see my face and how fun it will be and I can help him with his puppy getting over some of the tough tree stumps and branches. Sounds great to me.

 

Then, that night, Monday night he asks me when I am free so we can make a plan, because if we don't make a plan earlier this week, he won't see me until Sunday. Again, sounds cute to me. He wants to see me before the weekend and possibly on the weekend too. Doesn;t want to wait.

 

I tell him I am free Thursday and Friday. He then days...

 

"Thursday might work, or Friday maybe?"

 

He then says how he will be busy until 5:30 tonight. I tell him I a no longer free tonight. I again tell him I can do Thursday or Friday, and joke that he needs to buy a calendar.

 

He says "I have one. I have just been so scattered lately. "

 

I tell him that is fine. He then asks, "What night is better for you, Thursday or Friday?"

 

I finally tell him Thursday. I just needed to make a decision clearly.

 

He then says great, Thursday for sure. And we picked a restaurant and a time.

 

I was thinking hopefully if Thursday goes well then I can see him on Sunday too.

 

WE FINALLY HAVE A PLAN PEOPLE! Hopefully it sticks this time.

[Alex39]

Haha he even sent me a picture of his calendar to show me I'm officially penciled into his life

 

It was pretty funny

[Batya33]

I'm glad you have a plan to see him. I don't think he's scared to meet you, he just hasn't been interested enough to put in the effort to meet you. Now he has put in the effort to make a plan to see you on Thursday.

As far as excessive dating -what would be excessive about going on a number of first meets? Those aren't dates. Chances are you won't end up going on actual dates with more than one or two people.

[Alex39]

I'm so excited and nervous. He and I made the plan today. I don't think he is going to bail this time. Also, he called me on the phone tonight, sober, and wanted to talk. He told me he was not going to re-schedule on me again. It was cute. He's a bit awkward, but I think we are both just nervous. I'm a bit quiet. But I try to be bubbly and laugh a lot. I could hear his dog in the background barking. He was taking him for a walk. Then he had me talking to him on the phone and he was barking at me when I spoke to him. It was so cute. He told me he was excited for our date. He told me he probably wouldn't talk to me much Wednesday(tomorrow), and Thursday(date night) then. He then said if I texted though, which I could, he would definitely answer back. So far, he seems to like me for not meeting yet. I'm so excited and again, nervous. I hope I'm not a total loser. He seems to want to make me happy. We picked to go to that restaurant that he suggested for our other dates that we cancelled. Tonight he said "You sure you want to go there? If there is something else you had in mind, we can definitely do that. I am not opposed to whatever you want for food, if you had something you were thinking of."

 

I assured him where he picked look really nice and the food looked great so I was fine with it.

 

I'm not sure what to order for food. Menu is pricey. Food looks good. I am not going to order a salad. Seems too light and lettuce in your teeth could be bad. They had fish, but I felt bad ordering that since its a bit pricey. Chicken is always a solid choice, but I question if chicken and vegetables is too basic. They have pasta, but I don't want to seem like a pig ordering a whole big plate of pasta. Fish seems like a good choice, but then again, I don't want fish breath, or garlic breath either.

 

And what to wear. I was going to wear black jeans, some heels and a nice blouse. But its going to be hot, so maybe wear a casual dress? It a nice restaurant, but I don't want to look overly dressed up either.

[Batya33]

I think you're overthinking your first meet way too much and you risk making a bad impression. Calm yourself down -take a bath, whatever works. It's fine to be excited about meeting a new person but I think you're treating this as if it's a real date with someone who has met you in person and asked you out (and even then it's just a first date). Choose not to let yourself be this out of control/over the top. Wear something that is comfortable, feminine and flattering. Order simple food that is easy to eat. Do not order a lot of courses in case you want to end the first meet early.

 

Forget about what his intentions/motivations are. His intention is: to meet you in person to see if in the future you should go on an actual date. That is all. Who cares if he wants to make you happy, or not - happy = he shows up on time, and act in a polite/pleasant way during the meal. He is a stranger for all practical purposes and what he thinks/feels is irrelevant as long as he shows up, acts nice and (hopefully) looks nice. Same for you.

[faraday]

The more you think about it, the more nervous you'll be.

 

Try to lower your expectations. Instead of worrying about if you're "too quiet", or "bubbly enough", or a "total loser" (god, your lack of self esteem is heart breaking), evaluate how he makes you feel (in person). Evaluate how he treats you, and treats others. Evaluate if you're comfortable around him...if you think he's interesting and authentic and kind.

 

I really think you should be working on yourself before you start dating...because right now, you don't love yourself...and that's setting yourself up to settle for less.

[Batya33]

Also since he has suggested dinner for a first meet and you agreed to dinner and to his restaurant suggestion then I would probably offer to split the check. What I would do for dinner on a first meet is order to match him or less expensive and if it were me I would order an appetizer or "small plate" instead of a main course and split an appetizer with him if he suggests ordering an appetizer. That way you can focus on the conversation and not on the food and you guarantee that it will likely be less expensive. You can always eat more when you get home or have a snack before.

 

Do not drink alcohol since he is a stranger unless it's something really light like a glass of wine (unless that would make you buzzed etc). Also do not leave your drink unattended - that is how my friend got raped (something put in her coffee). Remember that he is a stranger for all safety purposes.

 

As far as him being more honest when drunk -I would look it at this way -he chooses to get drunk and then call/text someone he's trying to make a good impression with - that's not a red flag just not a positive IMO. I don't believe alcohol makes a person more honest, just less selective about what information they choose to share and less able to focus on a conversation, especially with someone he is trying to get to know.

[Alex39]

Okay, I think I am freaking out over nothing but I cannot tell. He sent me a text this morning telling me something funny one of the little kids at his job called him today. They called him Grandpa. I said “Aww he thinks you’re his family. Grandpa John.”

 

He then put “Gee Thanks”

 

I then put “haha just kidding, I’m sure you’re a very handsome grandpa.”

 

I thought it was funny and cute.

 

He has not responded to me since. I’m nervous maybe something I said was taken the wrong way.

[Alex39]

Crisis averted. He was just busy to respond. I was nervous over nothing. I'm such a loser.

[faraday]

I think dating is a really bad idea for you at this point. You're way too invested. It's not healthy.

[Batya33]

I think dating is a really bad idea for you at this point. You're way too invested. It's not healthy.

 

I agree. What she wrote.

[Alex39]

I see what you are saying. I’m just excited and anxious to meet someone new. I don’t know him. I think it’s natural to not know how someone perceives you because you don’t know the person to know how they take things. I could have easily offended him highly. Because texting is tricky and again, I don’t know him to know what his humor is or how he is reading what I am writing. I am excited to meet him. We have been speaking for three weeks, he reminded me last night. I’m nervous, but excited to meet someone new whom I seem to have decent conversations with. He asks me about me and seems genuinely interested in my life and learning about me.

 

I second guess. I just do. I’m working so hard with my counselor to get rid of this. I hate it. I don’t want to do it. I want to meet someone and to be self-assured and confident in myself. It’s a leftover mindset from my ex. I have been working for over a year to improve myself, get a better mindset. I am no longer depressed. I go out, make plans, workout. I feel good about myself. It took a while, but I’m in a better place. I finally joined online dating because felt finally ready to meet someone. Whether it’s this guy, or someone else. I want to meet new people, go on dates, and get excited about life and love again. I’m ready for it. I want to have someone in my life, to share my success and pitfalls with. I am staying in the mindset that yes, this guy and I are going out. It’ll be great, I hope And if it doesn’t pan out, then I need to keep working on myself, and staying positive and meeting other people. He isn’t the only guy out there. I know that. I keep going on match.com reminding myself that there are others and I keep liking guys profiles and going on the site, so I have options in my life. I have options because I have a lot to offer and I have time. I should focus on my life and keep challenging myself.

[Batya33]

"I think it’s natural to not know how someone perceives you because you don’t know the person to know how they take things. I could have easily offended him highly. Because texting is tricky and again, I don’t know him to know what his humor is or how he is reading what I am writing. I am excited to meet him. We have been speaking for three weeks, he reminded me last night. I’m nervous, but excited to meet someone new whom I seem to have decent conversations with. He asks me about me and seems genuinely interested in my life and learning about me. "

 

The issue is why do you care to the extent you do of how he perceives something he typed to you and your response? That's the issue. If you texted this to a near-stranger or a casual acquaintance who you only met once in passing would you have this level of angst? No, you wouldn't. You are treating this as if you are meeting someone new to have a romantic relationship with potentially. But this is MANY steps removed. This is a near-stranger, who you are meeting in person to see if there is potential to go on an actual date. Then, to see if there is potential to go on more dates with potential for a relationship in the future.

 

Your choice to get this attached through texting but please don't justify this as "natural" -your reaction is way over the top and unless you're a great actress/very good at meditation/yoga it will shine through and make the wrong impression on this person you're meeting for the first time.

 

I'm glad you see that you need to make changes. Resist the urge to think "oh this is just the way I am". Not true. It's not your ex's fault either.

[Alex39]

Yeah I know. I also know I wasn't like this before my ex manipulated me and made me feel crazy and second guess my true feelings. Every time he made me second guess my true feelings, my true feelings became muddled. Natural, average feelings, became abnormal. I have a hard time gauging what is right for me and not, because I was made to feel that regular feelings, that are natural like love, concern, anger, and disappointment, were made to seem abnormal and excessive. So I stopped trying to express those emotions thinking it made me seem crazy. I have come a long way. I am better at gauging my feelings and when to express then in a normal way. A neutral way.

 

I am trying to stop the second guessing. I truly hate it. I identify it, and hate it. I was speaking with my counselor this week about my excessive “what if” thought process and how it takes so much effort and time in my life, when I could be focusing on other more important things. I am working very hard to stop it in its tracks. It sometimes prevents me from sleeping. I think also from my ex, I am so afraid to get hurt again, so my brain automatically goes into “what if” mode so I see every aspect of every situation. I think out every possible wrong so I can be prepared so I can’t get hurt. My counselor reminded me that I still get disappointed and hurt in my life. And she was right. Me overthinking isn’t doing the perfect job of keeping bad things from happening, so is it worth so much time and effort as I put in, because the return is lousy.

 

I’m trying to stay cool, calm, and collected. I’m going out to dinner with a guy. We’ve been talking fine, so talking shouldn’t be a problem. I will gauge how I feel about him looks wise and I’m sure he will with me too. And I know I am going to look good. I plan on it, so I am not worried. I am trying so hard to just be my quirky self and not let anything bother me, good or bad.

[faraday]

I completely understand how someone can mess a person up....I've had an ex do an emotional number on me that took quite a while to get over. But that's my point. You're not over this- you're not healthy.

 

And when you're messed up...you scare away healthy people. That means your dating pool is full of messed up people...that will do further damage to you.

[Batya33]

I completely understand how someone can mess a person up....I've had an ex do an emotional number on me that took quite a while to get over. But that's my point. You're not over this- you're not healthy.

 

And when you're messed up...you scare away healthy people. That means your dating pool is full of messed up people...that will do further damage to you.

 

Faraday -good point and I now edit my post accordingly. Yes, of course that can happen - I agree -and also I would focus on what you can do to resolve whatever is in your control -and I'm sure there is a great deal -with your counselor.

 

Good for you, OP. Show up, look nice, be nice -basically -you have responsibility for keeping up 50% of the conversation -keeping it pleasant ,etc, that's all. Keep the bar low, no pressure. The fact that you talk nicely on the phone and on text has some relevance to in-person communication but not a lot. So simply expect that you probably can have about 30-45 minutes of pleasant conversation with this person and you can have the distraction of the food, the atmosphere, etc. Do not expect the conversation to flow or to be anything like what you typed to each other or said on the phone. Might be the same, might be totally different, huge spectrum of in between. Went on countless dates where in person was nothing like on the phone. Sometimes it was better, most often it was either similar or much worse.

[catfeeder]

You've balked at the suggestion not to isolate, but that's exactly what you're doing with this one guy. You can develop resilient dating skills by using an app to set up quick meets at your own pace. You defend that that's 'not you,' even while you bemoan your own behavior in driving yourself nuts over one perfect stranger while you amplify every. single. text. on the buildup to meeting him rather than opting to diffuse that by meeting others as well.

 

You can pay tons of money for therapy, but the best therapist in the world can't force you to diffuse your myopic laser focus once it's fixed. Emotions follow behaviors, not the other way around--so as long as you refuse to adopt healthier behaviors, it's no surprise that you will continue to spin your mind into deeper holes to climb out of. You can do that if you want--it's not against the law, it just keeps you in a state of miserable anxiety, which is not likely to translate well into a relationship, even if this guy turns out to be prince charming.

 

Dating is not a therapeutic environment, it's the Mount Everest of social interaction. If you want to keep yourself in a protective bubble and only stick your head outside of that for an occasional meet with someone you've built giant fantasies 'around,' you can do that. You'll build such occasions up to monumental importance instead of learning how to roll with them as a typical and usual course of learning how to screen out bad matches and move on to meet the next guy until you find good simpatico. That sets you up for devastation every time you encounter a poor match instead of recognizing that poor matches are the majority--and the resilience to roll through those quickly will exhaust and deplete you less than sinking your focus into each one and taking yourself on long and laborious roller coaster rides over every single text message.

[Alex39]

So we went out on our date. He called me Tuesday night on the phone and we talked for a bit. Then he tells me he probably won't talk to me as much until our date, but he will definitely talk to me if I want to text him. Wednesday morning comes and he is already texting me. We spoke most of Wednesday, a bit on Thursday. We met up at the restaurant. He looked very nice. I was so nervous it was going to be awkward, but to my surprise it was not. It flowed and it was fun. He kept joking that if he or I went to the bathroom that I was probably taking off on him. I assured him I wouldn't and that I was having a good time. We talked and talked and laughed. It was nice because he put in some effort. He wanted to get to know me and he wanted me to be comfortable. After a little while I was fully comfortable and it was a fun time. I felt I could be myself. All of our talking we did beforehand only just helped, as it gave us reference points to talk about more in depth.

 

He wanted to take me out for ice cream after the date, but by the time we ate and were done talking all the local places were closed. I offered to split the bill and he said no. So after we went to a restaurant bar for just one drink and more talking. Again, it was fun and cute.

 

He had taken an uber there. Wasn't huge fan of driving at night. I didn't blame him. Since the place was closing, we went and sat in my car until his ride arrived. We just chatted and such. His ride pulled up and we went to say goodbye. We reached over and he kissed me on the cheek and then on the forehead and left. It was really cute.

 

He told me to let him know I was home safe. Halfway through my car ride home, I get a text message of him telling me to call him when I get home.

 

So we chat on the phone for a bit. We talk about how fun the date was. He tells me he would like to see me again. I told him I would like that.

 

He seems to be a bit of an anxious person, so I think he was unsure about how I felt. My assuring him didn't seem to work. He then told me that I should text him the next day and then he will know I want to see him again too.

 

I planned on texting him the next day, but he beat me to the punch and he texted me. We talked all yesterday throughout the day. Then later at night, 8pm, we are talking about how neither one of us ate dinner and then he tells me I can come to his house and we can order takeout and play with the dog.

 

I was a little surprised. I think he meant well by it, but we only went on one date and he was still a stranger. I thought it was too soon to be at his ouse on a friday night and by the time I would have gotten there, it would have been late and I didn't want to give him the wrong idea.

 

So I told him I would love to do that some time, maybe when I now him a little bit better.

 

He played it off and sort of ignored it with a joke.

 

We are still talking now, on Saturday, and he seems interested still. Its just I feel like now that we went on the date, he feels like he threw himself out there and now he keeps putting the ball in my court for us seeing each other again. He keeps telling me to tell him when I am free and what I want to do.

 

I told him that he can ask me to do something, but I think he's nervous.

 

I asked him if he was free tomorrow. He said yes, until 3pm. He then asked me and I said yes, until dinner time, as I have plans. He then said we could go hiking.

 

But if I never asked him his plans in a way to try and make plans, I don't think us hiking would come about. I don't know if this is a guy thing. He is pretty terrible at this coordinating plans stuff. I don't know what to think about it. Like I understand where he is coming from. We went on a great date and maybe he's worried now how I feel. But I told him I had a great time and I would like to do it again. He said the same and told me he'd like to see me again too. So I feel like he should be trying to make active plans with me for a follow up date?

 

I think I am afraid because I know this guy isn't the same person, but my ex was always leaving it in my court when it came to dates, almost to the point where he was like well, "sure if you want to do that." or 'Yeah we can do that if you want to see me."

 

It was always me wanting to see him. I don't want to do that again. Ever. It lead into chasing and I'm never doing that again.

[katrina1980]

I am glad you had a good time amkxo.

 

One piece of advice, try to not compare him to your EX. He is a completely different person, pls remember that.

 

How do YOU feel about him? Are you attracted to him? I don't mean just his looks but did you feel any sort of "spark" or chemistry? Other than just feeling "comfortable"?

 

Call me crazy (no snide comments guys LOL) but it sounds like you're looking for things to justify pushing him away.

 

It appears he is extremely insecure (and coming off a bit needy too) which explains his earlier behavior too and all the back and forth.

 

This would turn me off, how do YOU feel?

 

Do you like him ...do you want to continue dating him?

 

You sound sort of "meh" about it tbh.

[Batya33]

I am glad you had a good time amkxo.

 

One piece of advice, try to not compare him to your EX. He is a completely different person, pls remember that.

 

How do YOU feel about him? Are you attracted to him? I don't mean just his looks but did you feel any sort of "spark" or chemistry? Other than just feeling "comfortable"?

 

Call me crazy (no snide comments guys LOL) but it sounds like you're looking for things to justify pushing him away.

 

It appears he is extremely insecure (and coming off a bit needy too) which explains his earlier behavior too and all the back and forth.

 

This would turn me off, how do YOU feel?

 

Do you like him ...do you want to continue dating him?

 

You sound sort of "meh" about it tbh.

 

I agree with Katrina's analysis and I think you should see him again and this time -for your first real date -you make the actual plan since he already said he wants to see you.

[Alex39]

I like him. He's cute, like nerdy but handsome. He's smart. He's mature besides his occasional weekend partying. He's great. I want to see him again, more. I think I'm trying so hard to not appear clingy or too interested because in the past when I liked someone me showing interest turned them off. I'm afraid because he's solid, secure, and a good man. Man, not a boy. I'm afraid if I throw myself into it entirely that he will turn around and step back and I'll be crushed. We had a great time. It was fun and easy and he tried so hard and I loved it. He told me something really personal that he thought I should know. He wanted to be honest from the get go. He's adorable. Sweet. Funny. Considerate. His laugh is adorable. His outfit was cute. The way he talked about his work was so inspiring. All of it was good.