Are these huge red flags?

[Alex39]

He has to re-schedule now again. Our original plan was for Friday and then he remembered he had a wedding to attend and it was a distance away. So he let me pick again and I said I was free Saturday. So he said that seemed great. So now he is apologizing ten fold over and over and saying how he didn't know, but I guess some friends that are attending the wedding from far away want to spend all Saturday catching up with him and some other friends. He said he didn't know they were staying around all Saturday, so he is afraid he won't make it back in time for our date and wants to pick another day. He then said "Is a week bad for you?"

 

Which I interpreted as next week during one of the weekdays. I responded saying I have classes Monday. He responded saying he is not free Wednesday. I then responded saying I am available Tues, Thurs, and Sunday. Maybe Friday, but one of my friends from college might be coming around then so I'd have to check first.

 

I haven't heard back from him now in two hours. He's probably busy, which is fine, but this is getting frustrating. I'm on match.com to meet people and meet them in person. I was already talking to someone whom I liked who is in grad school 4 hours from here and has barely any time for me. I went on match to try and find someone who did have time who could hangout with me. It could just be a busy time of the year for him, which is fine, and I have things to do too, but if he re-schedules one more time after this, I think I'm going to probably move along.

[boltnrun]

How long has he been saying he wants to meet with you, but postponing over and over? Hasn't it been several weeks?

 

How many other men are you currently communicating with?

[Alex39]

We've only been speaking since last week. We made date plans late last week, and date was supposed to be this weekend, but now thats being pushed back to next week, if he would answer me and make another plan. He says his busy day is Wednesday, so I'm assuming he is just busy right now. I'm hoping to have this new plan nailed down by tomorrow.

[JaggerJim]

I'd forget it if I were you. This is how it will be moving forward, all the time.

[boltnrun]

But you are communicating with other men, correct?

 

My mom would tell me not to put all my eggs into one basket. Until, of course, that "basket" has made it clear it's reserved for only me

[Alex39]

I'm communicating with other men, but he's the only one I actually had a date with. He's the only one who has asked me out so far. Its weird because he did all the right things. Asked all about me at first, acted really interested complimented me, asked me out on a date after a few days, and didn't wait too long, picked a really nice restaurant, and everything. I understand we both have lives and we are both not free on certain nights etc... I'm fine that he's going to this wedding and has to re-schedule. But if you can't meet me for a while, then he should be texting me actively if he has time. And I feel like he should be trying to make it up to me for re-schduling so many times and be actively pursuing me and making a new plan soon.

 

Again, maybe I'm overthinking this and rushing things. I told him when I was free. I listed the days, can't he just pick one and say when, where, and what time, and that be it?

[JaggerJim]

He has no time to date, and he "forgets" a wedding. It's not going along great so far.

[boltnrun]

So if he texted you "actively", would you feel better about all the rescheduling?

 

I personally don't agree that texting is a valid substitute for dates, but if that's how you gauge a man's interest, far be it for me to say you're wrong...you and I are just different.

 

Anyway, I gather you are giving him one more chance to reschedule and actually follow through. If he cancels again, is that it?

[Alex39]

Thats my plan. One more shot and then if he doesn't pull through, I'm backing down. Its just weird. He seemed so enthusiastic about going on a date last week and now he won't even answer me back about re-schedling this one.

[Alex39]

Now I'm just confused. He texts me tonight continuing our conversation saying how he will have to let to know tomorrow about our plans for next week because next week his work is going to be a bit crazy.

 

Okay, I'm fine with that. In the past when he tells me he will let me know about something, he always has done it and told me when he said he was going to.

 

Then we start talking. He loves his dog. Its a puppy. I'm all for it. Its nice he has a dog. He's very proud of it. Then he starts telling me how he has been spending a lot of time with his dog this week and its been great and he even got to see his "first puppy" too.

 

I asked what he meant by that and he said "from my previous relationship."

 

So to me, it seems as though his ex-fiancee took the dog, so since he saw the dog recently, he must see her. Unless someone else took the dog.

 

Well then he starts sending me all pictures of his puppy with her dog. Saying how this picture is from a few weeks ago, and this picture is from today. They were cute and all, but what did he expect me to say to pictures of your dog cuddled with your ex's dog? And then I felt bad because its evident he still loves the old dog that she has. So most likely thats why he still sees it/her. He helped pick it out and raise it out of puppyhood to being a dog. He's talking up a storm about his new puppy and how much he loves it and then is sending me more pictures of just his new puppy. I was happy for him that he got this new dog and he was so proud because it was just his.

 

It was just odd. He barely asked me anything, was obsessed about talking about his dog. At one point he was like "did I show you the pictures at the dog park yet?" and he sends me pictures he took of the puppy at the dog park. Total he sent me like 5 pictures of the dog. I even made a joke with him and said he should change his profession to professional dog photographer. I mean it wasn't bad talking about his dog, but he bombarded me with pictures like a proud father. Its adorable for sure, but I'm sitting here like lets set a date.

 

It was cute. So I just kept going on the cute thing. But he kept bringing the conversation back to his dog. I started telling him about a cat I was going to adopt last year and he told me to tell him more about it, so I did, but he immediately started comparing it again to his dog. I've never met him or his dog, so I was running out of things to say. And like I was hoping the conversation topic would shift into something else. The things I said left the door open for it, but he didn't budge that much away from dogs. I wasn't really sure what to think of it.

 

I mean taking to him, he isn't a bad guy. He loves puppies and little kids. He seems kind. So I don't want to down him as a person.

[mustlovedogs]

You're giving a stranger a pass for a lot of weird things. You are way too overly invested this early on.

[Jibralta]

Then we start talking. He loves his dog. Its a puppy. I'm all for it. Its nice he has a dog. He's very proud of it. Then he starts telling me how he has been spending a lot of time with his dog this week and its been great and he even got to see his "first puppy" too.

 

I asked what he meant by that and he said "from my previous relationship."

 

So to me, it seems as though his ex-fiancee took the dog, so since he saw the dog recently, he must see her. Unless someone else took the dog.

 

Well then he starts sending me all pictures of his puppy with her dog. Saying how this picture is from a few weeks ago, and this picture is from today. They were cute and all, but what did he expect me to say to pictures of your dog cuddled with your ex's dog? And then I felt bad because its evident he still loves the old dog that she has. So most likely thats why he still sees it/her. He helped pick it out and raise it out of puppyhood to being a dog. He's talking up a storm about his new puppy and how much he loves it and then is sending me more pictures of just his new puppy. I was happy for him that he got this new dog and he was so proud because it was just his.

 

It was just odd. He barely asked me anything, was obsessed about talking about his dog. At one point he was like "did I show you the pictures at the dog park yet?" and he sends me pictures he took of the puppy at the dog park. Total he sent me like 5 pictures of the dog. I even made a joke with him and said he should change his profession to professional dog photographer. I mean it wasn't bad talking about his dog, but he bombarded me with pictures like a proud father. Its adorable for sure, but I'm sitting here like lets set a date.

 

It was cute. So I just kept going on the cute thing. But he kept bringing the conversation back to his dog. I started telling him about a cat I was going to adopt last year and he told me to tell him more about it, so I did, but he immediately started comparing it again to his dog. I've never met him or his dog, so I was running out of things to say. And like I was hoping the conversation topic would shift into something else. The things I said left the door open for it, but he didn't budge that much away from dogs. I wasn't really sure what to think of it.

 

Holy sh_t. The dog. Even I know about the dog, now.

 

The bold part made me LOL.

 

A couple of things:

 

1. He is still hanging around with his ex and he's acting all innocent about it

2. He talks all about his dog (read: himself) and doesn't give you a chance to get a word in edgewise

3. He won't commit to a date for meeting

 

If I were you, I'd move on.

[katrina1980]

You're giving a stranger a pass for a lot of weird things. You are way too overly invested this early on.

 

Agree. It's also pretty comcal how she says 'in the past he did this' like they are in a 'long term relationship' or something. What's this 'past' you have? One week ago? If this isn't a case of a guy stringing a woman along I don't know what is.

 

OP this is just so silly, STOP being foolish and embarrassing yourself, I am starting to feel embarrassed for you. All this is cringe-worthy. Talking about his dog, sending you pics of his dog, really? He is probably laughing at you, definitely playing you, sorry that's harsh but I wouldn't rule it out, he wants YOU to go away, no man who was interested and who wanted you to stick around would resort to such silliness. He knows what he is doing.

 

Read these posts again and on your other thread about the four month sexting guy. You need to sort yourself out otherwise this unhealthy pattern of attracting men who like to play you will continue.

 

Like I said before, I will be very surprised if this 'first meet' ever comes to fruition. The writing is on the wall, read it, absorb it, and move the H on. It's time.

[Batya33]

I've given my advice/input and the OP has chosen to do exactly the opposite. No crime in that of course but I'm going to bow out now (pun intended -dog reference) - she can reread what I wrote a few times already if she chooses. Good luck. (I will continue to follow to see how this unfolds and in case the OP does want my input again). I agree with what all of you wrote above.

 

A word of caution and I don't think my experience was unusual. There were certain periods of my life -not long- when I met men through on line sites (or personal ads) and I was feeling insecure and a bit desperate like the OP. In hindsight I think that my mindset had a direct correlation to the times I was assaulted/harassed or almost (in one case I stupidly went back to his place the second time we met, despite red flags and luckily, with my hands pinned hard behind my head, the third NO! I said worked, and he drove me home (also dumb that I got in his car after that). He went on to assault and harass approximately 10 other women I knew over a several year period and later got kicked off Eharmony. He was very handsome, very successful banker type, Ivy league background (that part was all confirmed although he lied about his age by a couple of years- we met pre-internet when you couldn't really confirm that). Very smooth, lived in a lovely part of the city, etc. But in my mindset I ignored the red flags during our first meet. And almost got raped.

[Alex39]

I just get excited over meeting someone new and the fun and butterflies of it all. I am trying to break old unhealthy patterns. I have been seeing a psychologist/counselor, who has been helping me build up some confidence and break old patterns. I’m a lot healthier mentally than I was in the past. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. He loves dogs…is that a bad thing? I do think it’s not the best situation that he seems to still see his ex’s dog. But again, I don’t know the situation they have worked out. Maybe she brings it around every few weeks so he can see it, because it was his dog too. But at the same time, they broke up, you also need to move on, let her have the dog, and enjoy having your dog. He said getting his own new puppy helped him heal and acted as therapy through his hard times, I’m assuming he means his mental illness. I’m all for that. If it helped him heal, that’s great. And it seems to make him happy now, which again, is great.

 

I just feel like we can’t sit around talking and gushing over your dog forever through text. And I didn’t like when he said he has to see about next week, because his work might be slammed. He’s a school teacher for elementary school kids. He said because this week is school vacation week that next week is crazy when the kids come back. I mean, I work full time too, so I don’t understand how a teacher can be so slammed that they can’t fit in a 7pm dinner? The dog thing is strange, but the work thing is an excuse. Sh_t of give off the pot. Make the plan or not.

[Batya33]

I just get excited over meeting someone new and the fun and butterflies of it all. I am trying to break old unhealthy patterns. I have been seeing a psychologist/counselor, who has been helping me build up some confidence and break old patterns. I’m a lot healthier mentally than I was in the past. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. He loves dogs…is that a bad thing? I do think it’s not the best situation that he seems to still see his ex’s dog. But again, I don’t know the situation they have worked out. Maybe she brings it around every few weeks so he can see it, because it was his dog too. But at the same time, they broke up, you also need to move on, let her have the dog, and enjoy having your dog. He said getting his own new puppy helped him heal and acted as therapy through his hard times, I’m assuming he means his mental illness. I’m all for that. If it helped him heal, that’s great. And it seems to make him happy now, which again, is great.

 

I just feel like we can’t sit around talking and gushing over your dog forever through text. And I didn’t like when he said he has to see about next week, because his work might be slammed. He’s a school teacher for elementary school kids. He said because this week is school vacation week that next week is crazy when the kids come back. I mean, I work full time too, so I don’t understand how a teacher can be so slammed that they can’t fit in a 7pm dinner? The dog thing is strange, but the work thing is an excuse. Sh_t of give off the pot. Make the plan or not.

 

But you haven't met anyone new. He is a stranger you might meet in the future. No butterflies or excitement yet - unless you're excited about meeting a stranger in person - if they floats your boat go for it but understand if you choose to react with this level of excitement you are sabotaging your chances at actually getting to know someone in person for purposes of a relationship. Because you are projecting all sorts of unrealistic expectations on him with the typical result that you will not provide a centered and confident first impression so that he will want to take you out on a date in the future. He did not ask you out on the way you're referring to even if he calls it a date - labels aside he is a stranger who has tentatively offered to meet you in person. So far he is just a chat buddy. Thanks

[katrina1980]

I like to give people 'the benefit of the doubt' too. Or used to more than I do now. The times I did, I got my hear broken. What you are not seeing is that in YOUR case with this guy, there Is NO doubt. Not even a little doubt. Read the title of this thread again it has been one red flag after the other, what more do you need? He is either playing you, or has some mental issues, he is just WEIRD and has no interest in you as a person. Based on all his actions, this is obvious but you don't see it because a week ago he was nice to you and said you were pretty.

 

Now, in the present, a mere one week later, he doesn't text, takes hours or days to reply to your text, breaks dates (first meets) avoids rescheduling, talks about his DOG, send pics of his DOG, never asks about you, again what more do you need?

 

Not sure why you bother starting these threads, seeking advice, you don't heed of any it, maybe a journal would be better, there is a section for that.

[Batya33]

I had a much lower threshhold for "benefit of the doubt' when it came to a stranger I'd never met (if it was a blind date and I knew the friend well who referred me, then that's different - that's a "reference") - if we didn't have a time/place plan to meet within one or two emails and one or two phone calls without a great excuse (leaving for vacation for two weeks, and he'd call when he got back/emergency in the family, etc) I moved on, the end. If he flaked more than once, same thing. There was one guy -claimed to be a doctor and lawyer- who said he'd call me on a Monday to make a firm plan to meet. He called on Wednesday with absolutely no apology or excuse. I told him I was no longer interested. First impressions count a lot.

[Alex39]

He spoke to me all day long. He sent me a text in the morning saying he was sorry and how he fell asleep talking to me and felt bad not answering. He spent the whole day today talking and asking me about me. He was asking about my job, and how I like it, and more about my life. From like 10AM to 4PM, then I never heard from him again. Match.com also told me that he viewed my profile. He was so nice today, and we had nice conversations getting to know each other.

[Batya33]

He spoke to me all day long. He sent me a text in the morning saying he was sorry and how he fell asleep talking to me and felt bad not answering. He spent the whole day today talking and asking me about me. He was asking about my job, and how I like it, and more about my life. From like 10AM to 4PM, then I never heard from him again. Match.com also told me that he viewed my profile. He was so nice today, and we had nice conversations getting to know each other.

 

That's great that you found a chat buddy you like texting with! Just understand he's not interested enough in actually meeting you in person. He is interested in getting to know you as a chat buddy because he hasn't planned a time to meet you in person. He has time to text but lacks the minute or so it would take to look at his schedule and figure out a mutually convenient time. If you would like a chat buddy who could become a good platonic friend who you text to when you have time, continue to interact. If you are looking for someone to meet and potentially go on a date with he is most likely not that person and you are wasting your precious time and also choosing (remember -it's your choice and your responsibility -this is on you, not him) to be distracted and forego potential opportunities to meet men in person who might actually like to go on a date with you after meeting.

 

Edited to add -I don't think he will make a good platonic friend you can text with because you are going to be tempted to flirt or get sexual in the hopes that that will "motivate" him to meet you in person. But if might be fun for you to have a chat buddy who you flirt with and sext with on line. Then, in the future, if you meet a man who is actually interested in dating you and getting to know you in person, be prepared to have to stop chatting with him because most people in a relationship will not be comfortable with a chat buddy you exchange flirtatious or sexual messages with. But if for now you're fine just having a chat buddy and have decided that is more of a priority than meeting someone you can date, have fun!!

[Alex39]

I mean he said he was going to let me know closer, into next week about planning a night to meet out again. He said he wanted to gauge how his work load and schedule is going to be. He works at a school with little children and they are all on break this week, so he said the week they return, next week, is always insanely crazy.

[Ally1194]

Wow these people are different than me. I say give him another chance just be cautious. His reintroduction of himself means he has a sense of humor and he seems apologetic. Keep me posted.

[Batya33]

I mean he said he was going to let me know closer, into next week about planning a night to meet out again. He said he wanted to gauge how his work load and schedule is going to be. He works at a school with little children and they are all on break this week, so he said the week they return, next week, is always insanely crazy.

 

I had a wildly unpredictable schedule as did 99% of the men I met and dated (and very busy). They all made time -and I made time -for a first meet typically within a week of first contact. I think you are wasting your time and will be very surprised if he makes a plan to meet you within the next week and keeps the plan. My husband used to make plans with me weeks in advance when we were first dating (even though this is not a date, in your case) -if he really wants to meet you and doesn't want to risk someone else snapping you up he will make the plan despite being "busy". Of course since you are texting with him as often as you are he knows that you're available as a chat buddy and he doesn't have to make the effort to actually make a plan to meet you and he also knows that you're focused on him and not on exploring other options.

[Alex39]

I mean he's texting me right now from the wedding. Telling me he's at the church, then what he's drinking. We were joking about things about him sitting in the back hoping to not get noticed with a flask. Not really a flask, just joking.

[katrina1980]

I mean he's texting me right now from the wedding. Telling me he's at the church, then what he's drinking. We were joking about things about him sitting in the back hoping to not get noticed with a flask. Not really a flask, just joking.

 

There is something very seriously off about your reactions, to him and on this thread. It’s like you are ignoring each and every one of our posts, dismissing what we are saying, which in most cases comes from experience and good common sense, and instead interjecting your own version of his behavior and events. What you want to see instead of what’s actually there. Hypothetically speaking, the man could be a convicted murderer and as long as he gave you the appropriate attention, that would make it okay. It’s like that is all you care about, getting his ATTENTION. Doesn’t matter that he has two FB accounts and is likely engaged, breaks dates, refuses to reschedule giving you one lame excuse after the other, flat out ignores you when it suits him, as long as he texts you occasionally, like these past two days, acts ‘nice’ and charming and gives you attention, none of that other stuff matters and your a happy camper!

 

Like I said I would be very surprised if this ‘date’ next week happens. But no matter, as long as he continues to be charming and gives you attention, you will continue texting, just like you did with the four month sexting guy. And complaining that he never makes time to meet you just like you did with the four month sexting guy. Very very sad but good luck.