Are these huge red flags?

[Wiseman2]

Make it coffee. But decide and meet. It sounds like you are playing such a defensive game that you will lose out. If what you found turns you off, stop talking.

[electricorchid]

I dont know why people are beingg SO rude; I dont find anything wrong with trying to get to the bottom of what hes telling you, and from reading all that youve found out I defenitly think these are red flags. Thats nice that he's willing to open up and answer you but honestly, once theres more than 1 or 2 red flags and its only the beginning of getting to know someone time to move on...

[mustlovedogs]

Stop downplaying your stalking. When I look up potential online dates, I google name and maybe job - if I know that much. Phone number once i get it.

 

You looked up the school to find his name to find his Facebook then dug a *year* back in photos, then called him on it, then somehow found a DUI.

 

You did more than a little sleuthing.

[Tanzi]

I don't know which is better. The out for drinks is something I would normally do, because its casual, but since I know about his past, it concerns me. Dinner could be good, but I'm nervous about it since its all face to face talking and serious. Hiking could be really fun and since there is stuff to see, it could make for good conversation, but then again, I could be stuck on a mountain with him if he's a weird guy. Not sure what to do?

 

I agree with Wiseman. Just stick with a coffee for now. Though hiking might be fun too. Plan a route first if it makes you feel more comfortable Stick to a route that is popular with other hikers and finish off with a coffee somewhere.

[DancingFool]

Well he and I have been talking for a few days now. Leaving all the stuff behind. I went on his Facebook and he took all of it off. She isn't in any of his photos and his Facebook is totally different. He doesn't know that I saw he has a DUI. I figure that if we continue talking and he wants to tell me, he will.

 

He seems very nice so far. The mental health issue does concern me, but so far he works with children and seems to be pretty solid. He was giving me a play by play of his day at work and kept asking about me and wanting to know stuff. It was refreshing. He even teased me about being an online wizard.

 

He just asked me out on a date. He asked if I wanted to go out to dinner, hiking, or out for drinks.

 

I don't know which is better. The out for drinks is something I would normally do, because its casual, but since I know about his past, it concerns me. Dinner could be good, but I'm nervous about it since its all face to face talking and serious. Hiking could be really fun and since there is stuff to see, it could make for good conversation, but then again, I could be stuck on a mountain with him if he's a weird guy. Not sure what to do?

 

......So you are so terrified of getting caught up with some creep and go around doing all this online sleuthing....but then you think it would be totally cool and safe to go hiking with someone you've never even met......truly shaking my head at you.

 

Look, if you want to be safe, then instead of all this sleuthing, use some basic common sense. Nobody can catfish you online, if you refuse to get involved in extended e-mail conversations and therefore start getting attached to an imaginary person. You exchange a few e-mails and then you meet in person - in public, in a well populated area, keep it simple - coffee. Busy malls, cute outdoor shopping areas are great for this kind of stuff. If your meet up is going well, you can extend it to dinner or go walk around the area, etc. If things are not going well or you are simply not attracted, not interested, you can leave fairly fast. Another safety tip - do not let the guy walk you to your car, especially if you are not feeling it with him or get any kind of a creepy vibe from him. Part ways immediately outside the coffee shop. Remember that coffee shop is busy and surrounded by people, parking lots tend to be empty and isolated with poor light with help far away should something go sideways on you.

[Alex39]

We've been talking and talking every day. We decided on food out. I figured it was safer than on a mountain or hiking in the woods. I offered up lunch, and he said sure, "whatever you are comfortable with."

 

He seems very considerate. Our schedules for lunch didn't line up so we decided on dinner. We are going to meet in the middle of our homes in a town he claims is very nice. He kept insisting I pick everything, but I was unfamiliar with the area. He then said he asked a buddy of his for food recommendations. He sent me the link to a nice restaurant, asked me to check it out, to make sure its somewhere I would like to go. Again, very considerate. I checked it out, and it looks very very nice. A little pricey. I don't expect much and it exceeded my expectations. I told him it looked great.

 

I think its cute he is trying to impress me by taking me somewhere a little fancy. We started talking about foods we like etc... I said how I did not like Indian food. He made a joke how it might be a deal breaker.

 

It was a funny joke. I was in a work meeting so couldn't respond right away. He then sends a follow up a while later saying how "that was definitely a joke by the way."

 

I then responded finally and told him how I knew it was a joke and I was in a meeting. He then said "Thank goodness. Here I was sitting sweating bullets like a little kid thinking I messed things up."

 

I told him he definitely did not and I wouldn't stop talking to someone over their love of a certain food. He then said "Oh good. I was thinking oh jeez this is strike two. This girl is never talking to me again."

 

I reassured him again that it was funny and I can take a joke.

 

He then let me know today that he has to reschedule our date for another night. He forgot he has a friends wedding that night. He immediately asked when I was free and he said he would check his schedule so he didn't have to cancel again. He then checked and he said he was free so we are going out a week from today. He aways apologizes when he doesn't get back to me right away. Saying things like "Sorry for the delayed notice," or "I'm sorry I didn't get back to you right away." Its again, very nice. I think he is trying to impress me, which I can appreciate highly.

 

Now I'm so nervous for this date. What if he doesn't like me? He's older than me, me 25, and he 28. What if he thinks I'm too young or immature. I'm not, I work and have a good life, but I mean this guy lived with his fiancee and a dog. I am not anywhere near that. What if he thinks I'm not pretty or fat? I mean he saw my pictures, but in person is always different. I'm nervous I will be so nervous I won't know what to say in person. Or if I'm nervous and just keep talking and talking. What if I am not interesting because I'm so nervous and I can't remember my name. He hinted to wanting to do something after dinner too already, which is nice since he doesn't even know how dinner will go yet.

 

I'm just scared that it will be bad, or I will be a bad date or awkward and nervous etc...

[Tanzi]

Three years is hardly what you would call an age gap!!! Relax. The whole point of a first date is to find out if there is any real chemistry/attraction or whether you're on the same page as each other. Just be yourself and don't expect too much.

[Alex39]

Yeah I'm just anxious. Ever since we planned the date, our texting seems lacking. We talk about food and the weather. I don't know if it's because we are trying to save stuff for in person. He texted me this morning "happy easter" and I responded with the same. But that was it. My mother thinks he's just busy. I'm just so scared he isn't interested or met someone else. I feel like we should be talking and chatting and continusing to get to know each other. I'm so anxious because he seems so nice and mature so far.

[katrina1980]

He broke your date (first meet) because he 'forgot' he had a wedding to go to??? Sounds fishy. There is a reason you are so anxious, your intuition is telling you something doesn't feel right and it's not. Not to me given what you have posted about him. Pay attention to those feelings, you were feeling good about him at first, but now your not, because he less attentive, broke your first meet, you know something doesn't seem right. I know you liked his attention at first, but something sounds fishy now. Be careful.

[boltnrun]

Yeah I'm just anxious. Ever since we planned the date, our texting seems lacking. We talk about food and the weather. I don't know if it's because we are trying to save stuff for in person. He texted me this morning "happy easter" and I responded with the same. But that was it. My mother thinks he's just busy. I'm just so scared he isn't interested or met someone else. I feel like we should be talking and chatting and continusing to get to know each other. I'm so anxious because he seems so nice and mature so far.

 

So you're no longer concerned about any of the "huge red flags" you thought you'd uncovered? Now you're just "scared he isn't interested or met someone else"?

 

This is quite a turnaround, no?

[katrina1980]

And no offense to your dear mother, I am sure she is lovely person but didn't she also encourage you to continue texting with the guy who refused to meet you after four months of meaningless texting nonsense including sexual text messages? Saying she thought he really liked you and was just busy? I dont think you should be seeking advice from your mother, she dated at a different time before OLD and text messaging she has no idea how dating is now.

[katrina1980]

Well the first guy I ever truly fell for wasn't ready, didn’t want a committed relationship at the time. He acted like he liked me and did nice things for me, and dated me, but the commitment was never there. I chased him, which I now know is wrong. I just kept trying to remind him of what I had to offer, and how great I was, which backfired. I wanted it to work. The chemistry was there, but he wouldn’t step up. He ruined me. Manipulated me, lied to me, and made me feel bad about myself at times. Kept me around and acted like my boyfriend at times, then ignored me and acted like a strange other times. He literally told me that I was the type of person he saw himself with in the long run. How his mother would love me so much. But he wouldn't commit. When I would push for more, he would tell me he needed time and how he falls in love is that he just wakes up one day and realizes he loves the person and will chase them to the end of the earth. He never woke up and loved me. I hung on, on and off for three years. I still have anxiety over it. If any guy says something or exhibits something similar to what he did, I immediately get defensive. I hate being this way.

 

My last relationship was actually a good one. We were friends, then dated, then got into a relationship. It naturally progressed. We had so much fun together. We knew each other so well inside and out. I was in love with my best friend. Where I had issues was with his lifestyle. He didn't have a nice supportive family like my family, which I didn't care about, but sometimes would complain or find it hard to understand when I would want to be close to my own family. I would spend a weekend away with my family once a month and he would complain that I wasn't around for him and I should be with him and his friends all the time. Culturally we were so different, that I was unsure how my family would react to me bringing him home. I care a lot about perceptions, how people see me, and my family’s opinion. I am very close with them. Lastly, he lived a very young life. I worked a full time 9-5 job. He worked full time, but all different hours every day and never early in the morning. He loved not having to wake up early, and he would spend nights out with his friends until 3-4 Am, while I was at home asleep, because I have priorities. He even recently gave up an opportunity to work a more stable job, because of the regular 9-5 hours. He was worried about how it would affect his social life. Lastly our downfall came with intimacy. He didn’t think sex was all that special, whereas I did. He literally just thought of it as a piece of a**. He had been with many women so it was like second nature to him. I don’t expect romance and magic every time. But I do like to think it is somewhat special being with the person. You are physically and emotionally connected. I struggled knowing that us having sex meant literally nothing to him. So when we would get intimate together, I would always have his lackluster attitude in the back of my head and I didn't feel sexy or into it myself. I know it didn’t mean absolutely nothing to him, but it meant the same with ever vagina he had ever had. So we broke up.

 

I think my issues lie with me. I don’t like guys that are clingy, so I often am attracted to very independent successful men who are either not emotionally available or just not in the right place to be in a relationship. Because a relationship isn’t their priority, they aren’t clingy and pushy. I don’t like to feel pressured. But in the end I get hurt, because these men either can’t commit or aren’t settled down for commitment with someone. I recently met a guy online through mutual friends. He’s great. My type exactly. He pursued me by texting daily and flirting. He is smart, cute, talented. But right now he lives 4 hours away at graduate school. He will come back here once he is graduated, but that is not until next year. And he could meet someone closer to him in that time, or decide to not come back home here. We still talk all the time and I like him, but he isn’t in the place to be in a relationship since he is far away. I feel he holds me at arm’s length trying to keep me around, but not too close because he can’t give me what I want. He’s hinted this to me.

 

I haven’t been with anyone since my ex a year ago. I finally joined online dating to put myself out there and see if I could meet some new people. I’m sick of being alone sometimes and want to have someone there for me. But I don’t want just anyone.

 

I don't normally like to quote entire posts but this whole post is relevant. Jibralta mentioned this in previous thread but you have commitment issues amkxoxo. You say you are attracted to and prefer to date emotionally unavailable men or men who don't want commitment because you don't like to feel 'pressured' but then you say you get hurt because they won't commit.

 

But yet if they 'did' commit you would get turned off because the very nature of commitment means responsibility and expectations but those things make you feel 'pressured' you said so yourself. So you chase the emotionally unavailable guy, the guy whose emotional unavailability will NEVER allow for commitment, and then you complain they won't commit!

 

I think you should stop dating until you figure this out. I don't think you know what you want, where at first you saw red flags and questioning if you should go out with him, now that this guy is acting less interested and less available, suddenly you are all anxious worrying if he will like you. You sound very conflicted and confused.

[Alex39]

I'm not sure what to think. He seems nice. He texted me right away to reschedule and made sure we picked another night. He mentioned a few didrerent ones so we could definitrly meet another time. We were supposed to go out friday. I suggested Saturday and said it might be nice because we won't be rushed on a weekday after work. He said "I'd really like that." He then said let me just check. He got back to me saying Saturday is a go. He said he wanted to make sure because the Saturday after that he has a trip to a casino with his buddies but our Saturday is fine. He just wanted to make sure he wasn't getting his weekend mixed up. He's open with his plans. No secrets there. He's not just saying "I'm busy" and that's it. He asked me on an official date, calling it a date

He was very attentive and kept asking what worked for me and what I wanted and for me to pick and be happy either the plans. Again, nice. He often asks me daily what my plans are for the day and what I'm doing. Today he wished me a happy easter and nothing else. My mom keeps saying since it's a holiday he is probably busy and has stuff to do with his own family. Texting probably isn't his priority. Maybe she the week starts back up again we will start textinguisher more normally again throughout the day. We talk about food a lot and the weather and very generic things. It hasn't gone deeper. He's friendly and enthusiastic when we speak. I mean this is the guy a few days ago who was "sweating bullets" thinking he messed things up with me for saying a joke. He may be just as nervous to text me and meet me for a date as I am. I think I'm just terrified that I'm putting myself out there and I'm afraid he will just fail me. I'm open to telling him about myself and going out on a date. We set a place, day, just not a time yet. I mean this is the guy who already hinted to doing something after we go to dinner. Maybe I'm just over inking everything. He likes me so far.

[katrina1980]

To me his "sweating bullets" comment and other self-deprecating humor was said in jest to get laugh, he sounds quite confident to me, he knows exactly what to say to pull you in, and it's working like a charm you are falling for it hook line and sinker. Yes he sounds VERY charming, is 'nice' makes you laugh, but yet he broke your first meet, is texting less, ok meet him but be careful don't be so quick to determine that he is this 'nice' guy, overly nice can be deceiving sometimes. Have fun but be aware.

[Alex39]

I don't normally like to quote entire posts but this whole post is relevant. Jibralta mentioned this in previous thread but you have commitment issues amkxoxo. You say you are attracted to and prefer to date emotionally unavailable men or men who don't want commitment because you don't like to feel 'pressured' but then you say you get hurt because they won't commit.

 

But yet if they 'did' commit you would get turned off because the very nature of commitment means responsibility and expectations but those things make you feel 'pressured' you said so yourself. So you chase the emotionally unavailable guy, the guy whose emotional unavailability will NEVER allow for commitment, and then you complain they won't commit!

 

I think you should stop dating until you figure this out. I don't think you know what you want, where at first you saw red flags and questioning if you should go out with him, now that this guy is acting less interested and less available, suddenly you are all anxious worrying if he will like you. You sound very conflicted and confused.

 

I totally see what you are saying. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I want commitment. I want someone in my life. I want the responsibility, the expectations, the everything. I don't want to keep meeting guys that are half there. I deserve more. I want to meet all there, all in, and ready.

 

The guy that lives far away, I like him, but he doesn't give me what I want, a relationship, so he isn't the one for me. I really want love, happiness, companionship, passion, and commitment. I want a guy who shows he likes me and wants to date me.

 

This new guy, yes he had red flags, but he quickly made an effort, talked to me, asked me out, and showed he was ready for possibly something more. He took all the right steps, he asks me questions, and wants to take me out like a real man. Thats what I want. Yes, he might not be the one for me, and thats okay, but I'm sick of unavailable. I want available, the pressure, the expectations, and I want available, because I am available.

 

I want this guy to like me, because he seems to be doing all the right things, and yes, he was engaged. I got over that. He was, past tense. Yes, he might have a DUI, and I can deal with that because I have a bad driving offense on my record. It doesn't mean your a bad person. I'm smart, motivated, have a good job, and it was a terrible mistake in my past. He's highly educated and has a great job working with children. I'm ready for a real man, who wants to get to know me, settle down, and have an easy committed relationship. I know relationships are work, but they shouldn't be hard. It should be easy. It should be effortless work that you want to wake up and do every day. I'm sick of it being so hard.

[katrina1980]

I totally see what you are saying. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I want commitment. I want someone in my life. I want the responsibility, the expectations, the everything. I don't want to keep meeting guys that are half there. I deserve more. I want to meet all there, all in, and ready.

 

The guy that lives far away, I like him, but he doesn't give me what I want, a relationship, so he isn't the one for me. I really want love, happiness, companionship, passion, and commitment. I want a guy who shows he likes me and wants to date me.

 

This new guy, yes he had red flags, but he quickly made an effort, talked to me, asked me out, and showed he was ready for possibly something more. He took all the right steps, he asks me questions, and wants to take me out like a real man. Thats what I want. Yes, he might not be the one for me, and thats okay, but I'm sick of unavailable. I want available, the pressure, the expectations, and I want available, because I am available.

 

I want this guy to like me, because he seems to be doing all the right things, and yes, he was engaged. I got over that. He was, past tense. Yes, he might have a DUI, and I can deal with that because I have a bad driving offense on my record. It doesn't mean your a bad person. I'm smart, motivated, have a good job, and it was a terrible mistake in my past. He's highly educated and has a great job working with children. I'm ready for a real man, who wants to get to know me, settle down, and have an easy committed relationship. I know relationships are work, but they shouldn't be hard. It should be easy. It should be effortless work that you want to wake up and do every day. I'm sick of it being so hard.

 

That is easy to say since you don't have that, but what would happen, how will you feel when it actually happens, when a guy actually wants that commitment and expects certain things from you by virtue of that commitment? Like being expected to regularly spending time with him, being expected to respond to him in a timely manner, to spend time with friends and family even when your tired and would rather stay in bed, to waking you up to pick him up at 4:00 in the morning from hospital if he has had an accident, and all the other expectations that go along with being in a committed relationship?

 

Before, you said those things made you feel pressured, what has changed?

 

And with the long distance guy, you knew early on he was emotionally 'unavailable' but yet you continued corresponding with him and being enthralled with him, if your goal was commitment why did you do that? For FOUR months? Anyone else whose goal was commitment would have tossed him to the curb as soon as she discovered he was emotionally unavailable (within weeks) not continue corresponding with him for four months.

 

Don't mean to give you are hard time I just think based on your threads and posts you are conflicted about what you actually want. It is so easy to think you want commitment when you don't have it, another thing when you actually have it.

[Alex39]

I know I want it because last year I had it, with my best friend. I loved every minute of it. I loved having to wake up extra early in the morning cuddled up with them just so we could talk before I went to work. I loved when we would make spontaneous plans, and have a great time. I loved having someone to do stuff with all the time. I loved having someone there when had those days when I felt like laying on the couch and they would sit with me, not caring. I loved having to spend time with them and making them a priority. I loved having someone text me all the time, and I would text them all the time. I loved having to choose them over my family for once in my life. I want to run to someone at 4Am when they have an accident. I want to be there go to girl, their person, the girl for them. And I want them to protect me, and support me, and inspire me to be a good person. I want to grow with someone. I'm so sick of growing by myself. I want to kiss someone all the time, and cuddle, and have sex, and get that giddy feeling in your stomach because you can't wait to see them and kiss them and it makes you so excited. The missing them. The picking out there favorite things. The cooking together, talking about work, making weekend plans together. I want someone who wants to see me all the time, and I them. I won't be too tired for them, because I would make hem priority. I want to make someone else happy by just being me, int heir life. My presence makes their life better.

 

I want mutual respect, effort, time, everything. I want someone who learns every inch of me, from my middle name, to my weirdest pet peeves, to my deepest secrets. I want someone for me. I'm sick and tired or playing games, being alone, and settling for bread crumbs. I want the whole loaf of bread. I want it. I'm open. I'm stable. I'm not waiting anymore.

[Alex39]

So I just went back on facebook and I see that he has two facebooks. One is filled with him and his fiancee and their photos and it says they are engaged. The other one, which I thought was his primary that he changed, is a second one where its just all about him and his college buddies. He looks single. I'm confused. I mean, his ex-fiancee is friends with both of the facebooks profiles, so she knows he has two of them. Very odd. I still don't think he is engaged, but its a very odd situation. Its making me paranoid.

[katrina1980]

So I just went back on facebook and I see that he has two facebooks. One is filled with him and his fiancee and their photos and it says they are engaged. The other one, which I thought was his primary that he changed, is a second one where its just all about him and his college buddies. He looks single. I'm confused. I mean, his ex-fiancee is friends with both of the facebooks profiles, so she knows he has two of them. Very odd. I still don't think he is engaged, but its a very odd situation. Its making me paranoid.

 

Read my post #39 again. You 'should' feel paranoid, two active FB accounts, one showing him engaged, broke first meet, texting less, 'something' is very fishy. You haven't even met him yet, and he's got you all wound up. I say follow your gut and abort. There are other men out there.

[Jibralta]

So I just went back on facebook and I see that he has two facebooks. One is filled with him and his fiancee and their photos and it says they are engaged. The other one, which I thought was his primary that he changed, is a second one where its just all about him and his college buddies. He looks single. I'm confused. I mean, his ex-fiancee is friends with both of the facebooks profiles, so she knows he has two of them. Very odd. I still don't think he is engaged, but its a very odd situation. Its making me paranoid.

 

That's pretty shady. He changed the one he knew you could see, but not the one you didn't know about. I'd bail.

[boltnrun]

So are you going back and forth between worrying about these "red flags" and worrying about whether or not he likes you?

[Tanzi]

People flaking on you before you have met is one of the pitfalls of online dating I'm afraid. Until you've actually met someone and established a real connection there's every chance you may fall behind someone else who is jumping over hurdles to arrange a date with them ... not that I am suggesting that is the right way to do things.

 

I have say, I find the fact that he has two Facebook accounts a little odd, especially as one says he is still engaged. Why create a new one when it's just as easy to update your current one?

[Alex39]

So it seems he had both Facebook all along. I saw the engaged one, which seems to be his more active one first. I think I just saw the engaged one first. The other one I saw after looks old like maybe from his college years and barely used. I don't think he ever took the engaged one down. I just assume he did because I saw the other one and figured it was the same one, but it isnt.

 

My friend also found online that his fiancee and he bought a condo together early last year and it has since been moved out of and sold, so they most likely are not engaged any longer.

 

Im stuck between thinking he's engaged, which I don't think he is. Afraid he met someone else, or isn't interested any longer. Someone told me though that maybe us making the plan sealed the deal and he's just waiting to meet me in person to really meet me and get to know me and texting isn't a big deal

[Tanzi]

To me he sounds like a genuine guy - a nice guy even - whose only red flag is that he is still slightly bruised from a previous broken relationship but who is, nevertheless, making valiant attempts to move on with his life. To be honest, you could probably say that about most of us in the dating world. At worst he may not be completely ready to move on but who knows what can happen when you meet the right person. The biggest risk here, I personally feel anyway, is to your heart ... but that's the risk we all take when we open ourselves up to let people in. No-one knows how any romantic situation is going to turn out.

 

The only way for this to go is to meet and see where that takes you. It could be a complete dead end. You could meet and find that there is no chemistry or attraction between you or you could meet and there's instant fireworks. There's only really one way of finding out.

 

One way or another I think you are investing way too much emotional energy into a coffee date. You will keep on missing the boat if you put too many obstacles in your way. You need to get out there, meet for real (in a safe place) and learn real facts about them. Only then will you be able to make better real informed judgements.

[Jibralta]

So it seems he had both Facebook all along. I saw the engaged one, which seems to be his more active one first. I think I just saw the engaged one first. The other one I saw after looks old like maybe from his college years and barely used. I don't think he ever took the engaged one down. I just assume he did because I saw the other one and figured it was the same one, but it isnt.

 

Oh. That sounds a lot better.

 

One way or another I think you are investing way too much emotional energy into a coffee date. You will keep on missing the boat if you put too many obstacles in your way. You need to get out there, meet for real (in a safe place) and learn real facts about them. Only then will you be able to make better real informed judgements.

 

I agree that you are over-investing your emotional energy on this issue. However, I think you're doing the right thing by moving forward and dating in general. Practice and perspective will put you on a more even keel. You'll get some bumps and bruises, but you'll see they won't kill you.