Are these huge red flags?

[Alex39]

Thank you for all the help and support. I am overthinking things. I misjudged him rather quickly. I think anyone would have been on the defensive when you saw he was engaged. I regret calling him out to begin with. He was so nice and still talked to me and got to know me and he seems like a mature guy. Where most guys would have thought it was creepy, he felt the need to explain himself to me and make the situation better instead. He wanted to make things right. I want to date and I'm so excited and nervous for this date. I'm getting way ahead of myself and I haven't even met the guy yet. I want him to like me.

 

Thats wrong. I should be thinking, he should be trying to get me to like him instead. Be more confident in myself. He will like me. I have a lot to offer.

 

I'm still a bit concerned as to why we have barely spoken since Easter Sunday, when he wished me Happy Easter, and now its Tuesday.

[Batya33]

It's not a date. It's a first meet to see if in the future you should go on an actual date. Please keep your feet on the ground even if your head is in the clouds. A stranger you haven't even met yet should not be in touch with you regularly -if he has to cancel or reschedule, that would be a reason to contact you before you meet in person. Have a good time!

[Alex39]

I know. Thanks for the help. I am trying not to be so crazy about it. I'm nervous and intimidated by him and want him to like me when we do meet. I'm so nervous I'm going to be such a awkward turtle. What if I don't know what to say or what if I am so nervous I am boring?

 

I'm scared.

I'm also excited to actually go out with someone.

 

I mean he called it a "date" when he asked me out. He said " would you like to go on a date? "

 

 

So its not a bad sign that we aren't texting or speaking before the date?

[Batya33]

But a date is between two people who think they might have romantic chemistry or potential. Typing and talking can't reveal that because of energy/vibes and also to an extent looks and how attracted you are in person or whether the is potential for attraction. For purposes of dating and safety he is a stranger. Therefore nothing to be intimidated about either.

[Alex39]

Thank you. I'm trying to remain calm. I'm so nervous. I haven't been on a date or kissed a man in about a year. Its scary to put yourself out there. I'm scared I will be so awkward and not know what to say and it will be boring.

 

Also I guess I’m a bit surprised that now that we planned a date, we aren’t going to speak until then? I mean it’s a whole week away. But I don’t know how this whole online dating thing works. Maybe I’m wrong. We planned something and so he doesn’t want meaningless texting until we meet and see how it goes?

[Batya33]

It's not "online dating". It's meeting someone in person to see if you should go on a date. What is the point of more typing and talking if the purpose of meeting in person is to see if there is in person chemistry -or potential for it -so that it makes sense to go on a date? I went on many blind dates before and after there were on line dating sites. We spoke, we made a plan to meet in person and we spoke again only if we had to change/reschedule, etc. If you need to text him or call to re-confirm then do so.

[Alex39]

I texted him and asked what time he wanted to meet on Saturday. He has yet to respond. I talked to one of my friends who actively online dates all the time. She said she often makes a plan and then doesn't speak to them until the date. I feel a lot better.

[Batya33]

Again this has nothing to do with online dating. This is just about meeting people who you might date but have never met in person. That could happen with a set up too. Make sure you are dating and meeting people in person -get out of this mindset that you are online dating.

 

If he doesn't respond to your text by Thursday I would make other plans.

[Alex39]

I think it's not so much of me being in the mindset of online dating. But guys in the past who show interest usually text me all the time trying to get to know all about me and they want to connect with me when we aren't together. I always just take lack of texting as not interested and it makes me paranoid and crazy. I get all obsessive, self conscious, and overthinking while getting ahead of myself. He's a stranger. We've never met. I need to not get so obsessive and just enjoy the ride, get to know him, and see if it can be anything.

[Batya33]

Typing to someone you barely know works great for a chat buddy -has nothing to do with serious interest in you as a person. Takes no effort, no interest in how you respond with your voice (let alone in person) and it's not real communication. This person can't show romantic interest yet because he is a stranger who's never met you in person. Even if he had, beware of people who try to get to know you through typing and want to be in touch constantly -that could be mostly out of neediness.

 

When I arranged first meets I had no interest in getting to know the person beyond the safety screening and whether I thought we could have a pleasant convo in person - I didn't have time to chat with strangers who I might never see again. Perhaps he feels the same. I went on over 100.

[katrina1980]

I am of the camp that believes touching base a few times 'before' the date helps keep the rapport you have developed ALIVE until you meet. Having that rapport makes the whole process of first meets much less anxiety provoking. He had been doing that pretty regularly before the date was scheduled, and you developed a nice rapport, now that the date is set, suddenly he doesn't want to talk to you? This makes no sense especially considering you reached out to him today and received NOTHING back.

 

Not talking deep heavy convos, save that for when you meet or once you start dating assuming you click, but how about something light and flirty, again to keep the rapport you have developed alive until you meet in person. If a guy treated me this way I would being losing interest. I would not even be mad, he doesn't owe me anything, I would just be losing interest.

 

I hope I am wrong but the fact he hasnt even bothered to reply back to your text today, to me, means something is up I will be very surprised if this 'first meet' ever comes to fruition. For your sake I hope I am wrong.

 

Some of you act like texting with someone you have never met is akin to talking to a robot. It is not. Your talking to real person, with a personality and emotions, and of course you can connect with that person on some level and establish a nice rapport. OP and this guy were doing that and now suddenly all that has come to a screeching halt and why? Because a first meet has been scheduled? This makes no sense.

[Batya33]

I think it makes the first meet much more anxiety provoking if you develop "rapport" with a stranger over text -because it raises expectations unrealistically. For friendship, for professional reasons, sure -but to see if there is in-person chemistry -apples and oranges.

 

When I dated I did not have a cell phone (although most of the guys did, the last 5 years or so that I dated), we IM'd a little bit before talking on the phone and we had 1-2 phone calls before meeting. Often I was meeting 3-4 men a week so I kept lists of their names/details etc. No matter how you slice it, a first meet is to see if you should go on a date and treating it like a date and applying dating "rules" or norms to a first meet -apples and oranges and can sabotage a first meet.

 

If he is interested in dating you, he will ask you out on a date after he meets you. If he sees romantic potential and starts asking you out on dates regularly and is not wanting to connect with you by phone (not text!) between dates -after 3-4 dates- that is an issue. If he texts you constantly right after meeting you, that is an issue (negative) -

 

It's not like talking to a robot- but to me it's irrelevant to whether there will be in-person chemistry and can sabotage the chances of in-person chemistry if one or both persons have unrealistic expectations.

 

I had many phone calls with people I emailed with back and forth -we had great rapport on email. I knew within 3 minutes of that phone call that I would never want to meet the person in person.

[katrina1980]

And this may sound crazy but the fact his 'ex-fiancé' (and I put that in quotes because I think she still 'is' his fiancé) is aware of his second FB account claiming he is single and posts on it, might suggest they are looking for a third person to join their little party, i.e. a threesome. It wouldn't surprise me. It happened to me, not through FB, I met him at a singles event, we started talking and he asked me if I was interested. Maybe for his fiancé, you didn't pass muster. Something to consider the whole things sounds very strange.

[katrina1980]

Batya I could understand if he had not been trying to establish rapport with her before setting the meet, and instead just set the meet and touched base the day prior to confirm. That would make sense. It it just seems awfully strange that he spends time and effort to develop a nice rapport, asks her to meet, then suddenly everything stops. Not only him initating but he cannot even be bothered to reply to her text asking what time? 15 seconds, and to say hi. I hope I am wrong!

[katrina1980]

He already broke their first scheduled meet, let's see if he keeps this one.

[Batya33]

Batya I could understand if he had not been trying to establish rapport with her before setting the meet, and instead just set the meet and touched base the day prior to confirm. That would make sense. It it just seems awfully strange that he spends time and effort to develop a nice rapport, asks her to meet, then suddenly everything stops. Not only him initating but he cannot even be bothered to reply to her text asking what time? 15 seconds, and to say hi. I hope I am wrong!

 

great point!

[Alex39]

This is what I myself and struggling with. It makes absolutely no sense. Down to he was even telling me about how he has a wedding friday and a casino trip next weekend, the one after our date. Why even tell me about your life? He works with school children. At one point he was telling me all about an event they were having at the school and was going to send me pictures of it, but you can't sen pictures through match.

 

And now, nothing. I texted him at 2:50 PM Tuesday and now its Wednesday and nothing. Its so strange to me. I am giving him more time of course, but I don't have a good gut feeling I will hear from him. I just don't. I'm upset because I was so excited and anxious/nervous, but excited. I have been whitening my teeth, prepping myself and I am getting my hair done, all for this and for nothing if this doesn't pan out.

[Batya33]

Please please do not do all this prep for a first meet with a stranger. You will work yourself up into a nervous frenzy and make just that impression. Here's how to prep: live your normal life. Be clean, brush your hair, wear clothes that fit and are flattering, and when you walk into the place have a mantra in your head -mine was (and I didn't believe this for a second) "you are beautiful and graceful" -I walked in with good posture (if he was there) and kept things at a nice, calm pace even though I felt nervous.

 

Please do not get your hair done for a first meet -nothing in that category. It really will backfire even if you look fabulous.

 

I would not meet the person you described because of what Prajna wrote -he is inconsistent, he is probably engaged or was very recently and if he can't quickly respond with "7 pm" or "I should know the exact time by ____ just have to double check my schedule" then move on. And move on without the pity party -he is a stranger. It's nothing personal.

[Alex39]

I think I just feel so defeated. Maybe he will contact me and I will change my tune, but this will be the second guy who spent time talking to me to just ghost me online. I take stuff like that hard and beat myself up, like maybe I am not pretty enough, smart enough, interesting enough, etc… He found someone else who he likes better than me. It hits me hard and makes me feel not good enough. I mean this was the guy who kept calling me pretty and smart. He kept saying how he really wants to get to know someone pretty and smart like me, after hearing I was young professional.

[Lostinlove31]

You shouldn't immediately go to a spot of doubting your self worth because 1 guy out of billion on the face of the earth hasn't responded.

 

Also he may not expressed it but he may be shook up a bit by the fact you questioned him. He may express he is fine but may feel uneasy about how that was thrown at him which could cause him to be hesitant...

 

I would not over think things if i were you.

[faraday]

I think I just feel so defeated. Maybe he will contact me and I will change my tune, but this will be the second guy who spent time talking to me to just ghost me online. I take stuff like that hard and beat myself up, like maybe I am not pretty enough, smart enough, interesting enough, etc… He found someone else who he likes better than me. It hits me hard and makes me feel not good enough. I mean this was the guy who kept calling me pretty and smart. He kept saying how he really wants to get to know someone pretty and smart like me, after hearing I was young professional.

 

I'm sorry that you're so upset about this. It sucks when things don't pan out the way you'd hoped.

 

I'm married now, I met my husband off of eHarmony...after meeting men from online dating for over 5 years. I had several relationships in that 5 year span (so I was probably only on there for 2 years)...but I met around 250 men. In person. Many of them I met once and never spoke to again...that "spark", that...ah-ha moment was elusive...and it should be. Finding someone you want to share your life with is rare. If it was common, it wouldn't be special.

 

One thing I can say that might help with ghosting, and the building of too much anticipation be to not invest so much. I never googled guys before I met them. I got through the questions on eHarmony and we set up a meeting somewhere. I didn't do phone calls (but many people do, and that's fine- but just a phone or two- no more than that)...Often grabbing a coffee and going for a walk, or sometimes grabbing a drink. I usually met all my matches on the weekend (I was a single parent), so I would meet 3-7 men in one day.

 

My screening process was pretty basic- I looked through their profiles for any obvious red flags (Hates children, does drugs, looks like he's into partying) and if they weren't repulsive, I met them. When I saw my husband's profile, I wasn't excited about meeting him at all...he wasn't my type. But when I met him in person...the sparks flew! And he's much cuter in person that in photos. Needless to say, I'm glad I kept an open mind.

 

I know meeting a stranger is nerve wracking (I threw up before the first time I met someone from a dating site)...but you'll get used to it. Honest. Towards the end, before I met my husband, half the time I would run out the door late for a meet because I was so busy cleaning my oven, visiting a friend, or gardening. Half the time I didn't know who I was meeting until I got to the parking lot. Then I'd pull out my phone, see the name of the guy, bring up his profile so I'd recognize him lol, and then head in. No big deal

 

Taking time to meet as many people as possible is good- scarcity leads to settling...plenty means you get to choose the person who is the best fit for you.

 

So...get out there and try again. And don't let it get to you- they're just strangers, who cares what they think?

[Alex39]

So he just responded to me finally. He apologized a ton and said he thinks there was a technical error with his phone.

 

I'm such a loser and need to stop overthinking!

[Batya33]

I think I just feel so defeated. Maybe he will contact me and I will change my tune, but this will be the second guy who spent time talking to me to just ghost me online. I take stuff like that hard and beat myself up, like maybe I am not pretty enough, smart enough, interesting enough, etc… He found someone else who he likes better than me. It hits me hard and makes me feel not good enough. I mean this was the guy who kept calling me pretty and smart. He kept saying how he really wants to get to know someone pretty and smart like me, after hearing I was young professional.

 

He's not ghosting you. He's a stranger who never made a specific time/place plan to meet you in person and now seems to be flaking. Has nothing to do with you personally. He is a stranger.

 

I think you should wait to meet anyone through a dating site -or anyone in general, until you are in a calmer and more secure place - or can at least fake it till you make it. if you really take personally what a stranger types to you before meeting you to the extent and extreme you do you are not in a place where you can give a good impression on a date or a first meet.

 

I don't buy that he had something wrong with his phone based on how he's already responded - or not -to you. Has he now scheduled a specific time and place?

[katrina1980]

So he just responded to me finally. He apologized a ton and said he thinks there was a technical error with his phone.

 

I'm such a loser and need to stop overthinking!

 

Great, did he answer your question about what time to meet? When are you meeting did you decide on a time and place?

 

No your not a loser, just very anxious and like you said too much overthinking, remember you have not even met him yet.

 

Save all that anxiety and overthinking for AFTER you meet! Haha just joking.

[Alex39]

We just keep throwing out days of the week. I'm not free Monday. He's not free Wednesday. I then listed the days I am free to go out and have not heard back from him on it yet.

 

We'll see. He attempting to re-schedule at least, so I guess that's a good sign.