Are these huge red flags?

[Alex39]

So sadly nothing really major has happened with this guy. I am still sad and confused as ever. I question if he got afraid and spooked by vulnerability. Maybe his family is promoting him to focus on himself and his new life because of this move. Something happened with him and moving and such.

 

But I know that is not something that I want. I am not asking for exclusivity immediately, but I do want someone who can communicate with me and wants to see me regularly. I don't doubt he is busy. But everyone is busy. People make time for things and people they want to make time for, and it’s simple as that. Last I heard from him was last Sunday. This past Friday (it’s now Monday) he sent me a text saying " Hey! My god, I haven't stopped at all this week. I had like 30 text messages last night when I finally got the chance to sit down. So tired."

 

I responded “ It’s all good. Have a good weekend.”

 

I just felt like he was immediately telling me how "busy" he is and for that to be the first and only message he sends me is quite annoying. I feel like I'm just getting excuses. I truly don't understand where that guy went. The one I was snuggled up with who couldn't get enough of me and kept telling me how much he liked me. The guy who couldn’t resist kissing me for even five minutes. I mean this guy told me he was starting to care for me, and was begging me to come over because he really wanted to see me and couldn’t wait. Told me his mother would love me. Any time I would say something as a flirty little challenge, he would always say “challenge accepted” and was doing this up until I last saw him. He did not seem like he was suddenly not going to be involved with me. This is so sporadic. We would be sleeping, if I would roll over to sleep on my side, or to take some space, he would literally follow me, grab me, and wouldn’t want to let me go, all night long. I loved it. I keep rehashing and overthinking every moment we had together and I keep trying to make sense of this. I don’t see anything that I did wrong. I truly didn’t think that was the last time I would see him. We pecked each other goodbye and he said “Later gator.”

 

I wake up every day hoping I get a text from him. Hoping maybe his schedule is more freed up and he realizes he’s been neglecting me. At this point it’s been over two weeks since we have seen each other in person. I don’t think I did anything wrong, its him that has something going on. I don’t know if he got spooked by vulnerability and getting close to me. He did like me a lot, so maybe he got scared. He moved, and its seems strange that ever since his move, he seems very distant and not interested. Maybe he has a lot going on there. But it seems dating and seeing me is not his priority at all, which breaks my heart. I deserve more.

 

I have been on the dating site talking to some other men. I’m trying to move on and fill my life up with happy things, like friends and activities. I have to move on, because I have nothing else I can do. I’m sad and bummed because he and I meshed. We had chemistry, which is rare for me. Physically and Emotionally we were very equal and it just seemed to work well. I’m sad, because I feel like I wasn’t worth being a priority to him.

 

He never responded to me for the Friday text message. I just felt like I was sick of hearing excuses from him. He wasn’t asking about plans or calling to see me. And in a way I felt like he was looking for attention and sympathy from me. He probably thought I would comfort him for being “tired” and “busy” and ask when we can see each other next. My simple answer … “ It’s all good. Have a good weekend.” Didn’t give in to any of that.

[Batya33]

The problem is (sorry broken record) that you're comparing this to a longer relationship as if there was a pattern that changed. The only thing that changed is he did not ask you out again. You never knew him long enough to have a pattern, to know what his typical personality or behavior was so describing it in terms of "we used to do __" and now it's ___ makes little sense given how short a time you knew him. The only thing -and I've written this before - that he did that was kind of jerky was doing this slow fade stuff after 6 dates rather than being direct and saying "I don't see us going out on dates anymore but I'm happy to stay in touch as friends" and then you could decide whether you wanted a chat buddy or to try to develop a friendship. You knew you were attracted to him and he was attracted to you. No clue if you and he meshed because you didn't know him long enough. He either is attracted to you now or he's not - because he might be and simply be choosing not to act on that attraction by asking out out on a date. Since you knew him such a short time all this time investment in agonizing over the why won't help you learn anything other than this individual stopped asking you out. What I would take away from it is to sloooowwwww down the next time you meet someone and choose not to get attached to this extent, this fast.

 

I would stop analyzing the why -could be infinite reasons and likely nothing to do with you and certainly any psychological analysis like whether he's scared etc makes no sense -even if it's true so what? All it means is he is not available to date you. Get your ego out of it because it's a waste of time and you could be wasting emotional energy on psychoanalyzing someone you barely knew instead of meeting new people. Who cares why he randomly texts you that he is tired. Texting takes no effort and he's not communicating with you he's just sharing about his bodily state/functions. Boring.

 

I'm glad you're back on the dating site -good for you!!

[Jibralta]

Picture this.

 

While you and he were doing this:

 

The one I was snuggled up with who couldn't get enough of me and kept telling me how much he liked me. The guy who couldn’t resist kissing me for even five minutes. I mean this guy told me he was starting to care for me, and was begging me to come over because he really wanted to see me and couldn’t wait. Told me his mother would love me. Any time I would say something as a flirty little challenge, he would always say “challenge accepted” and was doing this up until I last saw him. He did not seem like he was suddenly not going to be involved with me. This is so sporadic. We would be sleeping, if I would roll over to sleep on my side, or to take some space, he would literally follow me, grab me, and wouldn’t want to let me go, all night long. I loved it.

 

There was another girl (or girls), placed on hold, who may have been going though this:

 

So sadly nothing really major has happened with this guy. I am still sad and confused as ever. I question if he got afraid and spooked by vulnerability. Maybe his family is promoting him to focus on himself and his new life because of this move. Something happened with him and moving and such.

 

But I know that is not something that I want. I am not asking for exclusivity immediately, but I do want someone who can communicate with me and wants to see me regularly. I don't doubt he is busy. But everyone is busy. People make time for things and people they want to make time for, and it’s simple as that. Last I heard from him was last Sunday. This past Friday (it’s now Monday) he sent me a text saying " Hey! My god, I haven't stopped at all this week. I had like 30 text messages last night when I finally got the chance to sit down. So tired."

 

And then, at the end of the night, he shot her (or possibly each of them) a text saying:

 

" Hey! My god, I haven't stopped at all this week. I had like 30 text messages last night when I finally got the chance to sit down. So tired."

 

And right now, there is a new girl in the same situation that you were in, living it up.

 

I don't say this to be mean. I tell you this to illustrate what 'not being a priority in his life' actually means. I mean, he's probably not gardening in his free time.

[Starlight925]

He's giving you crumbs. If that youtube video didn't illustrate it well enough (and I think that it did), envision this:

Every time your phone blings, envision that it's a smattering of crumbs that needs to be wiped away. It's not a whole cookie, or even half a cookie. It's the crumbs that are left behind.

 

That's all he's giving you, and you're starving of his affection because, well, who can survive on crumbs.

 

You will never get more from him. He's a crumb-giving kind of guy, and as Jibralta above pointed out, he's giving crumbs to other girls at the same time.

[Batya33]

He's giving you crumbs. If that youtube video didn't illustrate it well enough (and I think that it did), envision this:

Every time your phone blings, envision that it's a smattering of crumbs that needs to be wiped away. It's not a whole cookie, or even half a cookie. It's the crumbs that are left behind.

 

That's all he's giving you, and you're starving of his affection because, well, who can survive on crumbs.

 

You will never get more from him. He's a crumb-giving kind of guy, and as Jibralta above pointed out, he's giving crumbs to other girls at the same time.

 

I personally don't think it's helpful to see him in a negative light since if she wants to move on to date other men and feels bitter or lets herself feel "used" that will hamper future connections. He might just not be that into her, he enjoys occasionally chatting with her still and she responds so why shouldn't he keep on chatting? It's an ego boost for him since he knows she likes him but she hasn't asked him to leave her alone so he's entitled to assume she's ok with this level of contact. For all we know he is dating no one else right now or he is pursuing someone seriously and since he's not asking her out he is not behaving in an inappropriate way if indeed he has started dating someone else. If she finds out different information about him (and I hope she doesn't as I hope she just keeps him off her radar) then maybe there's a different story.

[Starlight925]

I personally don't think it's helpful to see him in a negative light since if she wants to move on to date other men and feels bitter or lets herself feel "used" that will hamper future connections. He might just not be that into her, he enjoys occasionally chatting with her still and she responds so why shouldn't he keep on chatting? It's an ego boost for him since he knows she likes him but she hasn't asked him to leave her alone so he's entitled to assume she's ok with this level of contact. For all we know he is dating no one else right now or he is pursuing someone seriously and since he's not asking her out he is not behaving in an inappropriate way if indeed he has started dating someone else. If she finds out different information about him (and I hope she doesn't as I hope she just keeps him off her radar) then maybe there's a different story.

 

I agree with you. This is not about viewing him in a negative light, but about viewing what she's getting from him in reality. He may be the greatest guy in the world, and she probably sees so many qualities she wants in a guy. But he is not giving her what she wants, which is more than a few texts here or there. I actually think she should look at him in a positive way, thinking about what she likes about him, so that she can have that with someone who really wants to be with her.

 

I also have to admit that I didn't read this entire thread, so there may be more to the story that I have missed, for which I apologize.

[Alex39]

I'm conflicted between being mad at him, and not being mad at him.

 

I think part of it is me just being disappointed because I expected more out of him, because he is a great guy, and part of it is me being mad at myself. Part of me is mad at myself for going out with him and falling for him. Part of me is mad at myself for being so upset about it. I want to be happy. I want to open my heart for someone else. I keep thinking about him. I am talking to some other people, but he is lingering in my mind at the forefront.

 

I am slightly beating myself up, because I keep blaming myself for this. Thinking I did something wrong. I moved too fast. Or I caused him to act and react this way. Every single person I know says it wasn't me and definitely is him. But I just feel like it has to be something I did. I keep thinking I was into him, and I showed it, and it pushed him away. That we moved too fast for him, or gave off a vibe of wanting a relationship. My friends and family assured me it wasn't me. That he acted on his feelings for me too, and we both seemed on board and into each other, until he suddenly wasn't. I think I am beating myself up for getting involved with a guy who was fresh out of a broken engagement and 12 year relationship. He told me he was a relationship guy and made it seem like he wanted that eventually. Maybe he freaked out, realized he couldn't do it, and pulled back. Maybe he isn't prioritizing dating in his life. Seems funny, that now he can't have me at his new place, but I see him make no effort to contact me about coming to travel to see me at mine. I was always going to his place. I went there 4 times. He came to my place once. I can't keep overthinking it. I can speculate until the cows come home. He clearly doesn't want to date right now. There is nothing I can do and me overthinking isn't going to change it.

 

I was in a similar situation with my ex. None of it was my fault. I didn't do anything but offer love and myself. He at least talked with me about it and told me it was his fault. I remember him telling me how great I was and how much he liked me and I was the perfect girl, but he wasn't ready for a relationship.

 

I feel like I'm re-living some of that with this most recent guy and that's what is heartbreaking. That no matter how great I am, or was, that they still don't want to be with me.

 

I've been talking to this new guy. He seems nice, talks a lot with me and wants to know more about me. Keeps asking me questions. Seems cute and has a good career which is attractive to me. I think I'm afraid. I'm afraid because of what recently happened to just go and re-start and be vulnerable all over again.

[Batya33]

"That he acted on his feelings for me too, and we both seemed on board and into each other, until he suddenly wasn't. "

 

I think you're making too strong an assumption given how short a time you knew each other and only 5-6 dates. It wasn't "sudden" because there was no significant change - many people decide after that short a time not to ask the person out on more dates. I think it's valid to be upset with him for not having the common courtesy to tell you he's not going to ask you out again but would like to stay in touch as an occasional chat buddy if you wanted that.

 

I dated a reformed bad boy for five months. He was 40 and never had had a relationship longer than a year. I was in my mid 30s. I was over the moon about him and he broke up with me. I told myself as many times as I needed that he was not that into me and that despite his relationship history he might very well meet his future wife very soon. And he did - 6 months later - on line. They've been married a dozen years now. I cannot imagine how devastated I would have been if I told myself a story about how he wasn't prioritizing dating in his life, or wasn't "ready" - rather than he was just not that into me. When I found out he met someone and later that he was engaged it very slightly stung but I moved on from that feeling very fast - because it was not unexpected and I prepared myself for that. Oh and he tried the chat buddy thing with me, too. And I chatted -even saw him once or twice and fooled around some -after he ended things -and then I realized how that would get me attached again so I told him if he wanted to be serious again he could contact me and if I was still interested and available I'd consider it.

 

(and no I didn't entirely mind when he contacted me in somewhat inappropriate ways right before he got engaged and after he got married - felt slightly validated but it was like brushing off a flea, not an emotional, overthinking mess).

[boltnrun]

I agree with Batya...I don't see that he's "afraid of vulnerability" or anything like that. Maybe he just isn't seeing this as a serious relationship or even building up to one. He may see it as "I have fun with her, she seems to have fun with me". And that's it. Nothing to do with "fear".

[faraday]

This isn't a case of him being "afraid" or "not ready"...he's just not that into you. I'm sorry. It's time to pick up the book and read it until it sinks in.

 

He was a stranger. He wasn't your bf. You barely knew each other . He got to a point in knowing you where he realized that you do not posses the qualities he is looking for in a partner. It happens all the time. Most "break ups" happen in the first few months of dating...you get to know someone and realize they aren't the right fit. It doesn't mean either of you is a bad person...it just means...don't invest so heavily in a stranger.

[Batya33]

Also in the kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince theory please stop seeing a pattern especially with someone you barely know. It's just dating - if you feel you are doing something wrong globally, fine, but don't make that assumption based on someone you went out with a handful of times.