How can some people give up on relationships so easily?

[Yaelic625]

I'm not chasing her and understand that I can't do anything about her not wanting me in her life. I'm just trying to understand what happened because I've been trying to reflect over the past several months and still can't figure it out. Thank you all for the replies btw.

[Yaelic625]

Hmm. "Clingy" is both an attitude and a set of actions. A clingy attitude is being more invested in the relationship than the other person, an air of desperation, insecurity, overly fearful of losing them, needy for attention. Clingy actions would be calling too much, always wanting to be together, getting upset when not given enough attention, getting jealous of her friends, too much love talk, etc. These are just examples. If someone is being standoffish (you say she just wouldn't want to talk some days, with no reason or explanation) then it can cause you to feel/act clingy when you normally wouldn't, so it's not always your "fault" necessarily. People have different needs for personal space, and if one partner needs/wants/demands more closeness and less space than the other, it is often seen as clingy. But it's really just a difference in needs

 

By that definition, yeah I was clingy.

[Seraphim]

As an adult human being we don't " need" a partner to survive . Want and need are different things. We were alive before this person came along and we will be alive after. It is not a good reason to stay with someone to keep them from being emotionally hurt.

[Wiseman2]

She gave her reasons you gave yours. You know the reasons. They are specific to that time and dynamic and situation and person.

 

Belaboring the relationship postmortem becomes ruminating which is counterproductive to insight. Like a dog chasing its tail.

I'm just trying to understand what happened because I've been trying to reflect over the past several months and still can't figure it out.

[Yaelic625]

She gave her reasons you gave yours. You know the reasons.

 

But if I'm supposed to improve so I don't repeat the same patterns over and over, I have to know what I'm improving on and certain reasons I don't feel are true or don't make sense.

[reinventmyself]

"You continue to push even in the way you express yourself and label her as having an unhealthy mindset."

 

So you don't think walking away as opposed to attempting to work things out is unhealthy?

 

In some cases walking away from something that isn't working is the healthiest option

[jujusamples]

jujusamples, but how am I supposed to work on things when there's conflict on what to work on?

 

You work on yourself. Unfortunately, the relationship has run it's course. The only thing you could do is work on yourself, reflect on the things that went wrong and work on it for your future relationship. If you don't do so, you are just going to repeat the same pattern over and over again no matter whom you date in the future.

[boltnrun]

Whether you think she should or not, she is NOT going to give you another chance. She does NOT want to be "friends".

 

So, knowing this, what are YOU going to do? Hopefully not spend another 5 months ruminating or telling yourself she's "wrong".

[Yaelic625]

I don't really know what to do. I'm just very disappointed in how everything turned out.

[boltnrun]

Well, most people who get broken up with are disappointed.

 

But, we realize we can't change other peoples' minds. And we move on, because the alternative is to spend the next 20 years moping about someone who doesn't want us. And who wants to live like that???

[ThatwasThen]

I get that, but do people not believe in change? Surely, a lot of you here (myself included) are not the exact same person you were 10 years ago and probably won't be 10 years from now so why write me off forever? I'm not saying she had to stay in my romantic life for 10 years, but to cut me off like that as if I am a disposable wipe was pretty crappy. Plus, I didn't even get the chance to improve or show her things could be better; that seems to be an unhealthy mindset as far as relationships go.

Go back and read your replies to this thread because you're not getting it. It MAY seem like an unhealthy mindset to you but frankly, it is the proper mindset to have when you (the general you) know, without a doubt, that you are not with the right person.

 

 

Dating is about finding out if who you were originally attracted to is going to be compatible enough with you to last a lifetime, obviously she doesn't think you and she are a good match and she doesn't want friendship with someone that isn't compatible to her.

 

Do your best to let it go and ACCEPT things you cannot control. The only person you have control over is yourself so tell your ego to be quiet and get on with your life without her in it.

[Yaelic625]

But to let a few minor squabbles determine whether this person is enough to have as a partner or even as a friend seems very petty.

[boltnrun]

But to let a few minor squabbles determine whether this person is enough to have as a partner or even as a friend seems very petty.

 

Again, that is not your decision to make!

 

Other people are perfectly capable of making their own decisions, whether or not you agree with them.

 

Look, this mindset of yours isn't going to bring her back to you. So you can either stay angry and confused and refuse to accept it and go nowhere, or you can realize that she has made her decision and there's not a thing you can do about it and move on with your life.

[Wiseman2]

That was the tip of the iceberg not the real reason. You dated a relatively short time and when the infatuation wore off it fizzled. She felt you blew her off and that was the coup de grâce.

 

So you learned that part already, don't transfer anger at your mother to your gf and disrespect her because you are angry elsewhere. Learn about anger management and anger displacement.

But to let a few minor squabbles determine whether this person is enough to have as a partner or even as a friend seems very petty.

[Yaelic625]

So you learned that part already, don't transfer anger at your mother to your gf and disrespect her because you are angry elsewhere. Learn about anger management and anger displacement.

 

I agree with this 100%. My issues with my parents really affected things with her in a way I couldn't see at the time. I thought it was nice to be able to talk to her about these things, but maybe I was laying on too much. And sometimes if we got into it, I would ask my mom for advice and it made my ex think my mom didn't like her (which was VERY untrue) but I learned my lesson on that one.

[Shane Falco]

In the words of Frozen, Let it Go. You've spent more time ruminating about the demise of this relationship than you did in the actual relationship. For whatever reason, she's not into you anymore and has no desire for any sort of relationship, friendly or otherwise, with you. It's not her job to approve it with you, it's not her job to craft a PowerPoint presentation outlining to you, you aren't entitled to her friendship.

 

It's over, it's done. If you want to work on something, work on your tolerance for other people's free will. Between you badgering her after the breakup to trying to use her friend as a tool to get back, she thinks you are meddlesome and manipulative. I'm guessing those characteristics made their way into the relationship, too. She might never notice these changes, but if you work on your meddling and your entitlement, then your next girlfriend will appreciate that. But that's never going to happen as long as you keep trying to cycle back to the past.

 

Get yourself together, brush yourself off, and move forward. No more of this.

[Yaelic625]

It's over, it's done. If you want to work on something, work on your tolerance for other people's free will. Between you badgering her after the breakup to trying to use her friend as a tool to get back, she thinks you are meddlesome and manipulative. I'm guessing those characteristics made their way into the relationship, too. She might never notice these changes, but if you work on your meddling and your entitlement, then your next girlfriend will appreciate that. But that's never going to happen as long as you keep trying to cycle back to the past.

 

How did I badger her? I only spoke to her once after the break up and we texted one time after we talked. Are you referring to when I called her a bunch in October? I only did that because I was upset and I wasn't even sure if she was serious about breaking up until a week went by and she didn't contact me. And how did I use her friend? And when was I manipulative? You're making ZERO sense.

[dave_1966]

I used to obsess at your age, but now I don't. Some things are completely out of your control, there's literally nothing you can do to change this situation. Unless, that is, you want a restraining order. Learn from it, and go and meet some more girls.

[Hollyj]

He is not going to listen to us!

 

OP, you have not changed, and you are not open to anyone's advice.

 

Good luck!

[Yaelic625]

I wouldn't have came here if I wasn't open to advice.

[jujusamples]

I don't really know what to do. I'm just very disappointed in how everything turned out.

 

I believe you could start off with twisting your thinking and accepting the fact that it's over. The world haven't ended, life still needs to move on. You could, join a class, do some therapy, hang out with friends? Do what ever it takes to distract yourself from the breakup. Do whatever makes you happy. Stop yourself from thinking about her too much.

Everyone whom goes through a breakup has the same heartache as you. You just have to refocused your thinking patterns. Maybe a counselor will help you sort out some underlying issues, which you could start working on. Overtime, if you start keeping busy, distracting yourself, you will feel less pain. You just need to understand that it's over and there's nothing you could do about it. Take it as a lesson learnt and get on with your life.

[DancingFool]

Seems like the part that you need to learn to accept is that you don't need to be a bad person for someone to decide that they don't want you in their life. You also need to learn to accept that the decision is generally not going to be about you, but the fact that what/who they want is simply different from what/who you are. It's like they love chocolate ice cream and you are vanilla. You need someone who loves vanilla. It really is that simple.

 

Lessons to take away - blocking contact and not speaking to an ex again IS normal. That is what most people do. They broke up with you because you are just not the kind of person they want and that doesn't make you bad or broken, just not right for that one single individual.

 

Most every healthy person will decline to stay friends with an ex. Dragging a train load of ex's turned friends will pretty much ensure celibacy for the rest of your life, so people don't do it. They break away clean and that IS normal. Again you don't have to be bad or good, just being an ex is enough.

 

You don't fight for a relationship. If you have to fight for it, that's your clue right there that you are not in the right relationship. Sure, people in a good relationship will have some disagreements from time to time that they resolve, but they don't fight for the relationship itself. That's clinger mentality - it's not working, but I will cling and fight for it and be upset when the other person says no way go away. Fix that please.

 

The change thing - look, there are things that you can look back on and say that you could have handled better. Those are the lessons you take away and work on and improve for your future relationships. Other than that, when you meet the right person, no fundamental changes will be required. For example, if you are the kind who is attached at the hip, it's OK, BUT you need to find a gal who is the same and you will both appreciate that. If you try to change and pretend to be someone else, you'll just keep driving people away as you try to be cool with a clinger, you try to cling with someone who is aloof, etc., etc., etc. It's a fast road to insanity.

 

Be you, understand yourself, understand that while improvements can be made, someone dumping you doesn't make you broken. Don't worship your ex, they were human with flaws. Get out and start meeting new people and you will shock yourself that life, fun, laughter and sunshine are still out there even though your ex is gone.

[Shane Falco]

Are you referring to when I called her a bunch in October?

 

Yes. I can safely guess that she found that disrespectful and badgering. It doesn't matter if you disagree because this is her perspective and it has nothing to do with yours.

 

I only did that because I was upset and I wasn't even sure if she was serious about breaking up until a week went by and she didn't contact me.

 

If she broke up with you and went silent for a week, that's a pretty obvious indicator that she was serious.

 

And how did I use her friend?

 

You attempted to use her friend as a method to make contact with her or inquire about her. People don't like that and find it manipulative.

 

You're making ZERO sense.

 

The fact that you don't understand any of this is a big problem.

[Yaelic625]

I think part of the reason I'm so hung up over this is I never got real closure over the situation and the fact that she's not in my life at all really hurts. I'm thinking about starting a new Twitter account and refriending her; not ever talking to her of course, but just to have a piece of her still.

[RainyCoast]

there was closure. how was there not?? she finds you intrusive, manipulative and disrespectful and is asking to be left alone. that's as final as it gets, all avenues closed. there's a perfect finality to it. so perfect it should have it's own sand mandala.

 

 

the fact that you don't feel there's closure is not due to the relationship not having drawn to a close but your belief that she owes you a lifetime of companionship, chances to change (bud, ain't noone going to stick around for a decade in hopes you mature. you're what they want now, or you're not what they want. your dormant potential is as good an investment as my monopoly money), they owe you communication because you're not a murderer, they owe it to you to comply to your views and beliefs regarding what does or does not get to happen to you in life.

 

life doesn't give a hoot whether you agree that break ups are final and don't require the dumper to deliver expositions about the validity of their reasons to break up until you grace them by agreeing to at least one. your permission or your blessing or your content approaval isn't required for the other party to dump you.

 

you can accept your loss and look at the behaviors that creep people out and drive them away from you, or you can creep her out with approaching again and face a restraining order and a psych evaluation.