How can some people give up on relationships so easily?

[Shane Falco]

I think part of the reason I'm so hung up over this is I never got real closure over the situation and the fact that she's not in my life at all really hurts. I'm thinking about starting a new Twitter account and refriending her; not ever talking to her of course, but just to have a piece of her still.

 

Closure comes from within. And that's toeing the creepy stalker line -- please don't do that. You'll never move forward if you are still checking up on her.

[Hollyj]

I think part of the reason I'm so hung up over this is I never got real closure over the situation and the fact that she's not in my life at all really hurts. I'm thinking about starting a new Twitter account and refriending her; not ever talking to her of course, but just to have a piece of her still.

 

How stalkerish! You are so disrespectful! She does not want you to contact her! Leave her alone!!! What is wrong with you!

 

" I asked her this in November and she said "the fact that you don't get it after everything is part of the problem""

[lostlove76]

I think part of the reason I'm so hung up over this is I never got real closure over the situation and the fact that she's not in my life at all really hurts. I'm thinking about starting a new Twitter account and refriending her; not ever talking to her of course, but just to have a piece of her still.

 

Does someone have to accept a friend request on Twitter, or can you just follow people? Either way, don't do this. Sorry, but I agree it will look stalkerish.

[Yaelic625]

chances to change (bud, ain't noone going to stick around for a decade in hopes you mature. you're what they want now, or you're not what they want. your dormant potential is as good an investment as my monopoly money)

 

But aren't real relationships (not finicky high school type stuff) about growing and evolving with your partner? How does anyone get to that if there's no starting point, no "dormant potential" as you call it?

[RainyCoast]

people get to decide whether there's enough to work with or not. and some behaviors are just deal-breakers for some people. the bottom line is, noone owes anyone a chance. sometimes it's given. it's never guaranteed.

 

she made her choice. regardless of whether it's right and sensible to you, you have no choice but to respect it.

 

and no, relationships are not about giving unwarranted chances to people who are rigid in their beliefs and behaiors. in that case, they are more about mastering the art of drawing boundaries. that, she did. they are also about mastering the art of respecting boundaries. that ball is in your court.

[Juha]

Yaelic, here is some advice when someone decides they don't want you in their life anymore. Please listen...

 

Forget her. it's their choice, their loss. Forget them and move on.

[RainyCoast]

OP. i warmly recommed this short read.

 

 

[Shane Falco]

Does someone have to accept a friend request on Twitter, or can you just follow people? Either way, don't do this. Sorry, but I agree it will look stalkerish.

 

Depends on the security of your account. Some people allow whoever to follow them and view their content, some make it to where they have to be approved. But even the former people have the option to block people on Twitter. I think there's a good chance the OP would be blocked as soon as his ex figured out what he was doing.

 

I'm guessing the OP is quite young and his ex was his first serious girlfriend, or one of very few. I personally have been where he is when I was in college (not for eight months, but for a couple months) and, like him, I didn't really know the difference between my ass and my face during that stretch. I thought it was so awful that she didn't give me another chance and that she wouldn't talk to me and I vilified her in my mind. Eventually, I realized that not only was the "woe is me" phase I was in counterproductive, but I also realized how stupid my mentality was. In feeling persecuted about her "not giving me a shot", I was basically redeeming why I wasn't "worthy" of that shot in the first place. It's a completely selfish, entitled state and it's not an extremely sympathetic one (which the OP is learning the hard way in this thread). I realized how dumb I was acting and, while I wasn't completely at fault for why the relationship died, that the death of the relationship was a joint venture. Once I got to that mindset, I then realized what I could have done better and I didn't need her to tell me that while holding my hand. In fact, she had already told me why -- I was just too self-righteous and self-involved at the time to realize it. And I never made the same mistakes again (I made others, but I learned from those too, and a hell of a lot quicker).

 

Funny enough, the ex went from not wanting anything to do with me at all to being friendly to me on campus and engaging in small talk a significant time later. I even made a joke about our breakup down the road -- "yeah, our whole thing as freshmen, my bad there" -- and she basically said the same. And that was it. We weren't friends, but I got "closure" from her way after I closed it myself and I didn't care to get closure from her. While that might not happen with the OP, it certainly won't happen until he drops the attitude he's shown in this thread. It will happen eventually (I hope), but I hope "eventually" is "soon", because he's wasted a crapload of time already and looks like he wants to double-down in the time-wasting department.

[Wiseman2]

It's interesting that what you view as this undying love is more like being obstinate and obsessive.

 

To re-frame this you may want to associate that with the pathological mind, not the hopeless romantic. For example serial killers, rapists, weird voyeurs, etc. like to keep 'souvenirs'.

I'm thinking about starting a new Twitter account and refriending her; not ever talking to her of course, but just to have a piece of her still.

[Quidam]

You sound like the kind of guy that could turn scary in a moment.... Please consult before this becomes out of hand

[lostlove76]

I feel bad for the OP here! I don't think he's as off-the-rocker as everyone is making him out to be. He sounds really young and immature and inexperienced (no offense) and just needs to grow up a little and gain some self-confidence and self-control. Yes, he most definitely has some things to work on, as evidenced by some of his posts, but I don't think he's scary or crazy or dangerous. I think if he starts feeling like something is wrong with him (because he's being told that there is) he's going to internalize it and it's going to make him feel way worse and the desperation might increase. He just needs to learn some life/relationship skills and chill out a little. He'll be okay. (Just my opinion).

[Shane Falco]

I feel bad for the OP here! I don't think he's as off-the-rocker as everyone is making him out to be. He sounds really young and immature and inexperienced (no offense) and just needs to grow up a little and gain some self-confidence and self-control. Yes, he most definitely has some things to work on, as evidenced by some of his posts, but I don't think he's scary or crazy or dangerous. I think if he starts feeling like something is wrong with him (because he's being told that there is) he's going to internalize it and it's going to make him feel way worse and the desperation might increase. He just needs to learn some life/relationship skills and chill out a little. He'll be okay. (Just my opinion).

 

He's not there yet, but he's starting to toe down that path. We're trying to get him from taking any steps down that path (which stalking on Twitter would certainly be).

[lostlove76]

He's not there yet, but he's starting to toe down that path. We're trying to get him from taking any steps down that path (which stalking on Twitter would certainly be).

 

Stalking on Twitter isn't a path towards something scary. I've read that something like 90% of people social media stalk their exes. Is it unhealthy? Definitely. Would it make him seem pathetic if she found out? Most definitely. Should he do it? No. All I'm saying is that it doesn't mean he's dangerous, or will become dangerous. I could be wrong! But I really do think it's mostly immaturity and self-control issues, and I don't know that it's helpful to make him feel like something is horribly wrong with him. I think he needs some positive guidance towards impulse control and boundaries and such.

 

Again, I could be totally wrong. Just my read on the situation.

[Shane Falco]

Stalking on Twitter isn't a path towards something scary. I've read that something like 90% of people social media stalk their exes. Is it unhealthy? Definitely. Would it make him seem pathetic if she found out? Most definitely. Should he do it? No. All I'm saying is that it doesn't mean he's dangerous, or will become dangerous. I could be wrong! But I really do think it's mostly immaturity and self-control issues, and I don't know that it's helpful to make him feel like something is horribly wrong with him. I think he needs some positive guidance towards impulse control and boundaries and such.

 

Again, I could be totally wrong. Just my read on the situation.

 

Diversity of advice is what makes sites like this valuable. You give it your way, I'll give it my way. Whatever he chooses to take is up to him. Notice I'm not jumping on you for using kid gloves. You should extend the same courtesy.

[lostlove76]

Diversity of advice is what makes sites like this valuable. You give it your way, I'll give it my way. Whatever he chooses to take is up to him. Notice I'm not jumping on you for using kid gloves. You should extend the same courtesy.

 

I wasn't jumping on you at all, was I?? I didn't think it came across that way. Sorry if you misunderstood.

[annie24]

It's definitely your right; doesn't make it okay. And what about the other person's rights? Why should your husband/wife have to deal with the emotional baggage of a divorce simply because you feel like it?

 

It takes 2 people to make a relationship but only 1 to end it. It was not the right relationship for her, end of story. I think that you're not respecting her decision, and by extension, her. So the problem continues. She felt disrespected before, feels disrespected now (hence why she blocked you in every way). Time to move on. Learn and grow. Try to be nicer to the next gf or communicate what's going on with you better.

[youareworthy]

Because she is a really great person and was a overall a great girlfriend. She's the most caring and sweet person I've ever been with. When we got along, things were excellent. She was always there for me and the only woman I've ever met that didn't try to change me/mold me into someone else, something I'm paranoid about because of a previous ex. I'm still in love with her and as cliched as it sounds, she's someone you meet only once in a lifetime type of person. Maybe I'm not depicting her in the best light in this thread, but she was very good to me until the end

 

Dear Yaelic,

 

I was struck when I read this paragraph. I am not sure if you can see it, but you seem to want her back for what you gained from the relationship. I don't see where you are thinking about what she wants and deserves: an overall great boyfriend, someone who was equally caring and sweet to her, someone who was consistently good to her.

 

You miss what you used to get out of it, but there is an imbalance. I could be wrong about this, but your answer came across self-focused to me.

 

Hang in there. Breakups are excruciating. You will feel better. The sooner you let her go entirely, the sooner you will meet someone else great.

 

Youareworthy

[journeynow]

I don't feel entitled but I don't understand how you can claim you love someone and then on the same hand give up so easily.

 

….she was always there for me and I really miss that how understanding she was. She was really the only person in my life I could talk to.

 

she could be really sensitive at times and it's hard to know when you're actually crossing a line versus the person just throwing a fit over nothing when dealing with someone like that.

 

how am I supposed to work on things when there's conflict on what to work on?

 

I'm not chasing her and understand that I can't do anything about her not wanting me in her life. I'm just trying to understand what happened because I've been trying to reflect over the past several months and still can't figure it out. Thank you all for the replies btw.

 

I don't really know what to do. I'm just very disappointed in how everything turned out.

 

But aren't real relationships (not finicky high school type stuff) about growing and evolving with your partner? How does anyone get to that if there's no starting point, no "dormant potential" as you call it?

 

Yaelic625, I don't know if you are still following this thread, but I am with you on wondering how someone who claims to love you can (seemingly) just toss aside the relationship. It feels that way, anyway, when you're the one left wanting the relationship.

 

The thing I realize now is that you can't actually know what the other person is experiencing and feeling, despite what they say. What they DO (i.e. break up) is THE MOST IMPORTANT INFORMATION you can get, though. For me, it is the number one sign of incompatibility. I know I do not want to be with someone who will break up rather than invest in our relationship. There are many ways to invest in a relationship, to grow it, to learn with it, to evolve it, communicate about it. Breaking up isn't one of them.

 

This stands out in your talk about her: She was understanding of you, yet you were not understanding of her. Can you see that, when you say she would "throw a fit over nothing?" You are dissing her feelings by saying that. Throwing a fit may mean she is not an effective communicator, but it does not mean her feelings aren't real, or that she doesn't have a right to them. You are belittling her to say her feelings mean nothing. It probably added frustration to frustration for her and wore her out.

 

It takes some perspective to get closure, and that comes from within, not from the other person. People go no contact because it can be exhausting and emotionally painful and fruitless to do otherwise. If you resisted the break up at first, that might be the memory of you that sticks in her mind, and she needs distance.

[youareworthy]

What they DO (i.e. break up) is THE MOST IMPORTANT INFORMATION you can get, though. For me, it is the number one sign of incompatibility.

 

This made me laugh, and feel awe. Breaking up IS the quintessential declaration of incompatibility!

[Yaelic625]

Hey everyone, it's been a bad couple of days......

 

First, before anyone says it I will admit this was stupid, stupid, STUPID but I went ahead and did it anyway. I started a new generic Twitter so she wouldn't know it was me and followed her and basically went over every tweet since the break up

 

It doesn't appear that she's gotten a boyfriend or serious dated anyone since but their were some pics on her with some guy over spring break and they looked mighty close I should have listened to you guys. I only THOUGHT I was miserable before.

 

I've also read some of the posts I missed and I want to address journeynow. This is going to sound really mean, but when someone throws fits over nothing, I have an inability to take them serious on any level so when she was upset like that, her feelings didn't mean anything. I never said that, but I'm sure she knew.

[lostlove76]

Hey everyone, it's been a bad couple of days......

 

First, before anyone says it I will admit this was stupid, stupid, STUPID but I went ahead and did it anyway. I started a new generic Twitter so she wouldn't know it was me and followed her and basically went over every tweet since the break up

 

It doesn't appear that she's gotten a boyfriend or serious dated anyone since but their were some pics on her with some guy over spring break and they looked mighty close I should have listened to you guys. I only THOUGHT I was miserable before.

 

Hey, we've all done it (well most of us). Not necessarily made generic accounts, although I'm sure others have done that too. But looked at the social media of our exes. I sure have. And as you've found out, it just makes you feel 100 times worse. So don't let it become an addiction. Stop now and don't look again. Delete the fake Twitter account. You're truly better off not knowing what she's up to. I speak from experience.

[journeynow]

when someone throws fits over nothing, I have an inability to take them serious on any level so when she was upset like that, her feelings didn't mean anything

 

I hear you when you say she throws a fit over nothing. Who knows why she is like that, but if it is true that she is someone you can't take seriously on any level, isn't she someone you don't want in your life? Wouldn't you be happier in the long run with someone who you can take seriously?

[shiner501]

You split up last Thanksgiving? Am I reading that right? Man, that is nine months ago. I am going to say this as it is and without offence, you need some hard truth here buddy: you need to grow a pair and man up dude. It does not matter whose perceived "fault" it is. The plain, simple, indeed brutal truth is that, for whatever reason, she does not want to be with you. That, my friend, is the bottom line. You can try and rationalize this every which way you like but it will always come back down to this: SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. My suggestion to you is to keep saying that to yourself and if need be put a note on your fridge/bed/door.

 

When in your mind you are upset and keep asking yourself "but why can't we be together", "why did she do this to me?". "I love her can't she see that?" and all these other questions then take a breathe and recall the simple, brutal answer: SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. Now, you can either accept that fact, chalk it up to experience and move on with your life, or you can continue to [needlessly] suffer. Your choice dude.....

[Ms Darcy]

Reading this thread is sad. It's like you are trying to renegotiate the relationship outcome. Let it sink in that you have been pining and suffering over this relationship for longer than the length of the relationship itself.

 

You sound like a lonely, isolated guy. Hope you take the time to connect with others and develop some friendships.

[Yaelic625]

Seeing her Twitter really made me see a side of her that I didn't know she had. I mean, it doesn't seem as though she's missed me even a small fraction as much as I've missed her even back when we split. It seems as though she been perfectly content with me not in her life and I'm miserable not having her in mine and it's just not fair. She's the one that decided to give up on us, she's left me high and try, she's refuses to even entertain the idea of letting me redeem myself, and yet I'm that's suffering?! It's complete bull****. I've been hoping and praying for her to come back to me going on 10 months now and she's galloping away all content with some guy (or maybe guys, who knows at this point) and displaying online to rub my face in it but for some reason I have to suffer. I didn't do anything to deserve this