Is it a deal breaker for most women if a man does not believe in marriage?

[Itchy]

It's not a deal breaker for me. Marriage was never a priority in my life.

 

The relationship that I am in is a lot like this:

 

 

 

He's my best friend. I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

We've known each other since we were kids, but didn't get together until we were in our mid-thirties (thankfully).

 

My advice: be upfront with people about what you want, and don't settle for anything less. Someone is out there for you

 

That sounds wonderful, I wish you two the very best for the future.

[Capricorn3]

It will obviously only a deal breaker for those who want to get married. So, as long as you are upfront about not wanting marriage, then they immediately know where they stand and can either move on (if they desire marriage), or stay with you.

[lukeb]

This thread assumes marriage means anything, it used to mean something specific but now it pretty much means whatever the couple involved wants it to mean for them. To those that think feminism has nothing to do with it are simply wrong. Now it can mean same sex couples, or not, intention to have children or not, monogamous or not, and feminism had everything to do with it. There are some that think feminism is just about some general notions of equal rights for everyone, and of course will revert to that when feminism comes up for any criticism. The family was seen as one of the major structures that oppressed women and it needed to be destroyed. You can not be a feminist and not believe that. Feminists were very smart about it and they have nearly succeeded in destroying the institution of marriage and probably in time they will until it means nothing anymore. Now if you were going to destroy marriage and the family it is obvious you can't be direct about it. It is not obvious, but think about what marriage and family used to mean, and what it means now. Also think about how people are leaving the institution in droves. Think about if I told you person A and Person B are married, what can you tell me about them?

 

The question in this thread isn't relevant until you ask someone what marriage means for them. The word has little meaning except for some legal privileges that you could easily get otherwise. If you have the presence of mind to get married, surely you could have the presence of mind to get some legal protection of your relationship.

[Batya33]

I think marriage means even more today. Historically I think many more marriages were arranged and based on property/financial concerns. Nothing at all wrong with arranged marriages -especially when that is part of a culture, then the couple goes into it being on the same wavelength and certainly can grow to love each other or deepen a love that's starting at the wedding.

 

Once people started getting married for love -well, to me at least, that imbues it with an even deeper meaning especially when property/finances are either not a factor or a minimal factor (for those people where the culture is not paramount in choosing a spouse). What destroys all sorts of institutions that involve human interaction are people who rely on old, stale, negative cliches and generalizations and refuse to treat people as individuals and to try to walk a mile in someone else's shoes every once in awhile. That is what I see as destructive in the previous post. I don't think marriage is for everyone but to trivialize it and based on broad, negative assumptions makes little sense in this discussion IMHO.

[Seraphim]

People have to understand too there is more than one type of feminism.

[lukeb]

People have to understand too there is more than one type of feminism.

 

Of course and that gives them free range to do anything they want and not be held accountable for it. Even the word feminism has no meaning, there are all kinds of feminism right? Gender has no meaning either you can have a penis and be woman of the year, and gender roles are just social constructs. Two of my friends are getting married, what can you tell me about them? John has a penis, can you tell me if he/she is a man or a woman? No you can't. Say something bad about feminism, or even try to say that you are not a feminist, well you are a misogynist, a homophone or any other kind of bigot you can think of. Ask someone to define feminism and nobody can do it. When someone defines it well that is their personal definition.

 

To get back to where we started since marriage has no meaning, you need to first tell you partner whom you are interested in what marriage means for you personally before you say you don't believe in it.

[Seraphim]

Yup, we're horrible yada yada yada...

[lukeb]

Yup, we're horrible yada yada yada...

 

Well it is difficult to argue with success.

[Seraphim]

Well then I am so glad to live with my husband who tells me I am wonderful daily. And I tell him the same and we are not caught in a web of bitterness.

[lukeb]

Well then I am so glad to live with my husband who tells me I am wonderful daily. And I tell him the same and we are not caught in a web of bitterness.

 

That's great and I am happy for you.

[ParisPaulette]

For a lot of women, yes it's going to be a dealbreaker. But for all women? No.

 

You need to just be upfront and realize as much as they may say they don't want marriage that may change, it may change with you, who knows? Certain personality types also probably don't care as much either. If you're with someone who cares what society thinks, who wants the house and the kids and the cars etc. then yeah marriage is likely going to be far more important to her than a true free spirit artist who may not be as conventional.

 

But then again, I've been wrong about that before too. So don't quote me on any of this, because you're asking if human beings can be quantified absolutely. And there are no absolutes in the human race, that much life has taught me.

 

As you get older marriage becomes less important sometimes. It did to me. When I was young I married, thinking that was what one should do. Then after that I never wanted to be married again until I met my husband. He had never been married, we were very happy, but eventually I could tell that for him it was important. For me,I could have just had him in my life for the rest of time and I would have been totally fine with it. But we were both older when we met, and kind of already established in our lives and careers.

 

So I married him, never looked back.

 

The thing is going to be what sort of commitment do you want, and then you do what the rest of us do, you look and keep looking until you find someone that matches you. And no, that's not easy to do lots of times, but it kind of is what it is.

[Ms Darcy]

I think marriage means even more today. Historically I think many more marriages were arranged and based on property/financial concerns. Nothing at all wrong with arranged marriages -especially when that is part of a culture, then the couple goes into it being on the same wavelength and certainly can grow to love each other or deepen a love that's starting at the wedding.

 

Once people started getting married for love -well, to me at least, that imbues it with an even deeper meaning especially when property/finances are either not a factor or a minimal factor (for those people where the culture is not paramount in choosing a spouse). What destroys all sorts of institutions that involve human interaction are people who rely on old, stale, negative cliches and generalizations and refuse to treat people as individuals and to try to walk a mile in someone else's shoes every once in awhile. That is what I see as destructive in the previous post. I don't think marriage is for everyone but to trivialize it and based on broad, negative assumptions makes little sense in this discussion IMHO.

 

I agree. There are some who miss the days when women were basically considered chattle. I don't.

 

I have great respect for arranged marriages, for traditional marriages, for less traditional marriages. It's fine if the woman wants to stay at home with the kids and the man is the breadwinner. It's also cool if the man wants to stay at home with the kids and the woman is the breadwinner. And these days are wonderfully amazing because we are now seeing that gay people are getting the right to marry in more and more places. I think the great thing about marriage these days is that the marriage is what the two people in the commitment make of it.

 

It's called progress to give people more options to enter (or not enter) into an institution that provides more legal, financial, and health-related protections that most other societal institutions.

 

I just find it so fascinating to see some (not all) straight people (based on what they say in their posts) basically say marriage is worthless these days while so many others are continuously fighting for the right to even be married.

 

Personally, aside from going to college and grad school, accepting my new job, and getting healthier with nutrition and exercise, marriage has been one of the best if not the best decisions of my life emotionally, financially, and spiritually. It's not for everyone, but it's great for me and I see no reason to declare it terrible.

[itsallgrand]

I didn't read all the responses but I think you will be fine as far as there being women out there who want what you want.

 

For me personally, wanting marriage or not hasn't been a deal breaker. I was and am interested in long term commitment that is monogamous though, so talk about marriage and why someone would want it or not have always been important.

 

I think it's great you are honest and upfront about where you stand.

[lukeb]

I agree. There are some who miss the days when women were basically considered chattle. I don't.

 

That is a complete misrepresentation of "those days". Though it must be said that gender roles were more rigid certainly, that may have been a problem for some, but not most. It was both men and women who devoted their lives to their children each in their own way perhaps but both working towards that goal. The goal being not their own future but their children's future.

[Hermes]

Luke.

 

I am a woman and I can hold my hand up and say I am not a "feminist" and definitely not the kind of feminist I think you have in mind. Ultra crazy off the rails "feminism" has done so much harm. On that I fully agree. I believe their should be equal rights for both genders, which is entirely different to saying both genders are equal. Far too much polarising goes on which only causes ill-feeling.

All the women in my family are/were a pretty independent bunch (and then some lol) but I don't think I ever heard them sounding off on a feminist rant.

 

IMO I don't care whether women want to remain at home (a choice), go out to work (a choice), go exploring the Amazon (a choice) and the same applies to men.

[Frangipani]

Is not a deal breaker for me as a woman as I don't care about marriage and to be honest - quite a lot of other women I know don't either. But everyone is different so finding out early on is imperative.

 

I don't want kids so I have to make sure that people know that up front. I wouldn't have a a relationship with anyone that did want kids so I don't go out with men that do. There is no point.

 

It can't be deal breaker if you aren't emotionally attached or involved. Don't let it get that far before you tell them.

[redswim30]

It just depends on the woman.

 

I'd say if you're going for a young woman 20-40's, you're probably going to get a lot of women believing this a deal breaker.

 

I am divorced and remarried, but if I were ever single again, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me because I've experienced marriage and don't know that I would ever want it again.

 

And more and more career driven women don't consider not having children a deal breaker anymore.

 

There's all kinds and I don't know that there's one definitive answer.

 

As others have said, being honest from the first moment is key. Marriage isn't a deal breaker for a lot women, but many younger women still hold onto the fantasy element of marriage and so consider it a deal breaker.

[Seraphim]

Actually if I ever divorced or my husband died I would never want another relationship .

[Hermes]

Redswim. Yes.

 

As others have said, being honest from the first moment is key.

 

At age 20 or 25 I would not have married even with a gun at my head! At age 19 I did a line for a year with a man 15 years my senior. What any mother would call a very suitable match lol.

No way! I wanted to live and see the world.

 

Eventually I married....when I felt like it. L.

[Itchy]

It's great read positive things about marriage and I was happy reading some people describing how happy their marriages are and those people I wish them all the happiness in the world. If it works for you that's fantastic.

 

Someone, somewhere (apologies) mentioned that I might change my mind in the future and I can safely say that I will not change my mind, ever!

 

I've been hurt a few times by women in the past and it really did take the wind out of my sails, it took me months to even begin to feel anything other than bitter and jaded. I cannot fathom what I'd be like if I was staring down the barrel of a divorce, if children are involved it would be even worse. I doubt I'd ever recover from something like that. I could see all of the life being drained out of me as I am left an empty, lifeless shell that doesn't live but just exists. I can take a punch or a kick, but I don't handle emotional pain at all well, I never have and I probably never will.

[gigiselle]

I don't believe in the institute of marriage and because of my lack of belief, I have no intention of getting married, I know marriage is important to a lot of people, so I am wondering if this would be a deal breaker to a lot of women?

 

I think some women don't consider this a necessity. However...many women feel as though if they are to invest all energy(monogamy), their youth, combining economic assets, raising kids, they need a little legal back-up. Meaning that the law protects you a little more if you're married and giving it all. For instance...medical insurance, taxes, alimony if need be. There are many places that will legally enforce common law... So beware of this. There are many people that don't feel the need to join legally. This can help you or hurt you depending the case. Be upfront as others here have stated. It'll be smoother that way. What is it about marriage that you find disagreeable? I'm not judging you for your choices. I'm just curious about what turns you off.

[thornz]

For me it would depend on the reasons.

 

My ex stated from our first telephone conversation (rather rudely, I might add) that he explicitly didn't want to get married. Well in my opinion his reasoning was rather stupid and I very quickly pointed out to him as much. It took roughly 3 weeks to change his mind. When I split up with him years later he confessed he expected we would marry. The irony is I'm no longer sure I want to marry as he put me off haaaa.

[Fudgie]

For me it would depend on the reasons.

 

My ex stated from our first telephone conversation (rather rudely, I might add) that he explicitly didn't want to get married. Well in my opinion his reasoning was rather stupid and I very quickly pointed out to him as much. It took roughly 3 weeks to change his mind. When I split up with him years later he confessed he expected we would marry. The irony is I'm no longer sure I want to marry as he put me off haaaa.

 

What was his reasoning that you felt was stupid? Just curious.

[Ms Darcy]

I've been hurt a few times by women in the past and it really did take the wind out of my sails, it took me months to even begin to feel anything other than bitter and jaded. I cannot fathom what I'd be like if I was staring down the barrel of a divorce, if children are involved it would be even worse. I doubt I'd ever recover from something like that. I could see all of the life being drained out of me as I am left an empty, lifeless shell that doesn't live but just exists. I can take a punch or a kick, but I don't handle emotional pain at all well, I never have and I probably never will.

 

Just as fair warning, if you move in with and have kids with a gf, depending on where you are, you could find yourself in a common law arrangement and be left dumped, paying child support, and sharing assets. I guess what I am saying is if your aversion to marriage is fear of divorce, not getting marriage doesn't necessary solve some of the problems you mentioned.

[thornz]

What was his reasoning that you felt was stupid? Just curious.

 

Essentially that he didn't want a woman to be able to take all his money (pre-nup anyone?) and that marriage is just a way for a woman to trap a man and his assets leaving him with no rights to children etc in the event of a divorce.

 

I was enraged and very happy to point out that I was quite capable of pulling my weight financially and plenty of women could in fact earn double what their partner did, putting them at a financial disadvantage in the event of divorce. I did actually get a job later in the relationship where I was earning more than double his income. Naturally I made sure to remind him I couldn't possibly consider marriage now that he was a threat to my financial security. Tool!

 

If I am to marry it's to set that person apart from my previous relationships as someone I am serious about. Someone I would like to build a life with and have a family with. Not so I can trap them and leech all their funds. Got my own money thanks!

 

Also men have greater paternal rights to children (even those not biologically theirs) with the woman to whom they are married. Plus a load of other benefits. There's pros and cons as with anything.