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gigiselle

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About gigiselle

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  1. So....I guess my progress has been slow. I do feel better physically. Today I feel totally pissed!!! I guess that means I'm in my second stage of the grieving process... and that's a good thing....maybe. I feel anger.....like I've never felt before in my entire life. I sat in my driveway for an hour before coming in my house because I thought otherwise I'd do something stupid. I want for him to hurt as bad as I'm hurting...of course that's not possible because he doesn't care.....it sucks...
  2. I'm feeling better physically. Wow--that makes a huge difference. I hope there's no fight. I hope to gain access to all records and be able to to feel it's all ok. So far he's willing to share 50/50 on all assets...duh!!! He has no choice on this...!! The court will agree to this ....we've been together 24 years!!! It's not generous on his part. We're stuck on the length of alimony. I don't want to be unfair....but--he has incredible bonuses and raises...and I'm having to start over....after a grey marriage.
  3. I dread the weekend. It is Saturday and I'm still not well enough to go out and my soon to be ex comes in and out at random. It is excruciatingly painful. I can't speak to him, touch him or be in any way part of his life. I wish we didn't have to reside under the same roof....its hard to break a habit of 24 years.
  4. I've never felt this unstable in my life. I feel angry at him and angry at myself at other times. I know I need to get a grip and maintain focus on what's at stake...financial matters only . But--I've been in a relationship with this man for 24 years. I'm not in denial anymore as to what's truly happening. I think getting as sick as I have been has definitely made things worse but--it actually helped cement in my head that I no longer have a partner. There have been days I've been so weak I had to wash myself sitting down in the tub because I could barely stand. I can't sleep or
  5. Wow!!! I feel like the mask has slipped and I'm living with a stranger.
  6. I find it impossible to be disingenuous. I wish I had it in me. It would make my life less complicated. But--I am who I am and that's all I can be....wait!!! Did I just quote Popeye?! L.O.L. I seriously have no clue on how to play games. I had to go back to the doctor because the Pneumonia got worse. I got some steroids and shots and more oral antibiotics. I think the timing of this has definitely affected me. My thinking hasn't been clear. But--thank God I wasn't stupid or sick enough to sign on to an agreement without lawyers involved. My lawyer advised me to take my time
  7. Lost and hurt: It's weird but I acquired Pneumonia at the same time I found out he was divorcing me. I think that intensified things. I was washing myself sitting up in my tub because I could'nt even stand up. But--it clicked in my brain that I had no partner. They say every hand is a winner and a loser. It helped me understand the extent of my situation. Before that I just wanted to sign and be over it. Now--I'm thinking about my future for once. I stopped crying 3 days ago. He approached me to sign a financial agreement without lawyers involved. I said sorry but that's no
  8. I think I can: You're reply was uplifting . I'm just beginning to imagine myself as anything other than his wife. It's a bit of an identity crisis. He on the other hand is happily dating.
  9. That journal is a reminder to me that I tried all I could....and that I wasn't happy. So--I won't read it forever it helps remind me how hopelessly alone and sad I felt. It's a post-mortem for closure perhaps...
  10. Update: Divorce is proceeding. I'm no longer in tears all the time. I'm doing a post-mortem assessment in my head...Iguess. He's being very "nice" but--I believe this is only until the finances are settled. All the people I know that divorced say this. He is making sure I don't wig out and end up in trial. It still feels strange that we're turning into strangers. I'm beginning to read my journal and recall how I've felt in the last two years....all the anxiety, worry and ill treatment....even though we kept going on outings and such. I I'm seeing a therapist on the 20th. I ne
  11. Thank you Jibralta. That starts today.
  12. I pray that God gives me the strength to go on. I feel my life is over. I love him and I can't help it. I'm trying my best to help myself.
  13. The worst part is knowing he feels free to date...not having to hide anything....but I feel like I'm dying.
  14. I won't let him take advantage of me. Obviously he can continue to pretend....probably to keep me on the hook so I won't get angry. I'm not angry. I'm very sad. I wouldn't have even hired a lawyer if he hadn't . But--I had to do it to protect myself. I have no plan to screw him over . I hate having to use a lawyer but I just need someone looking out for me. I don't want him here. I don't want to be here. I don't care which of us goes....it's too difficult to have to see him. I don't want to clean this house. It's no longer my home. I'm hiring merry maids if he stays. I fee
  15. I'm avoiding him as much as I can. Our lawyers can do the work for us. When I saw the letter from his lawyer a lightbulb went on....the word "versus". I feel like I've been evicted from my life. Everything I've done in the last 24 years, every sacrifice, every decision was about him. It's time the decisions are about me. I've been in denial for years. I've been madly in love with my ex life partner and gave him all I had and it wasn't good enough. It hurts so much ...it feels like a death.
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