Is it a deal breaker for most women if a man does not believe in marriage?

[esmelde]

I would say, it would be a deal breaker for me.

1. I realise that the older I get, the more I want to get married and have a child. That wasn't even my thought a year ago. Maybe call it as biological?

2. Marriage means a bigger commitment. You cannot just call it off. Marriage means you need to try a little harder to fix thing up, rather than leave it. It is different with being a couple or life partner without marriage. You just can leave easily, no need to file a divorce etc. For me it is a good platform.

3. As many people already mentioned, it is not only about proving love by commiting to marriage, it is also a legal standing for future kids, or whatever happens to us in the future.

 

But again, hey, different person, different PoV. You better talk if you don't want to get married, don't give a false hope to your sweetheart!

I believe when you meet someone special, you can actually negotiate though.

[esmelde]

I would say, it would be a deal breaker for me.

1. I realise that the older I get, the more I want to get married and have a child. That wasn't even my thought a year ago. Maybe call it as biological?

2. Marriage means a bigger commitment. You cannot just call it off. Marriage means you need to try a little harder to fix thing up, rather than leave it. It is different with being a couple or life partner without marriage. You just can leave easily, no need to file a divorce etc.

3. As many people already mentioned, it is also a legal standing for future kids, or whatever happens to us in the future.

 

But again, hey, different person, different PoV. You better talk if you don't want to get married, don't give a false hope to your sweetheart!

I believe when you meet someone special, you can actually negotiate though.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't equate no marriage with not wanting a long term commitment - it would depend on why and what kind of commitment the person would want, if any.

 

I don't label as a feminist but believe that equality for women coexists just fine with being married. Married couples have their own individual way of managing their relationships/interaction/dynamics.

[Ms Darcy]

It's a deal breaker for women that are not "true" feminist. Cause if they were, and assuming feminism is for "equality" (which it isn't BTW)......no woman would EVER marry a man that wants or believes in marriage. Mostly because everyone and their mother knows that the court and our justice system is balanced towards women.

 

 

 

Act of marriage is essentially a Government and Religious STAMP. Is it needed or required? Absolutely NOT.

 

Why do people always have to start bad talking feminists and feminism when the question has nothing to do with this. (And it's usually some male poster.)

[limichelle]

It would for me but I don't want children and that could be a deal breaker for a lot of guys!

 

It's finding someone who wants what you want and believes the same way!

 

Maybe there are dating sites specific to this? I know there are online dating sites for just about everything now.

 

Lisa

[Heather Dawn]

It depends on the woman - and how rigid your beliefs are.

 

I fell in love with someone who wasn't overly keen on the idea of marriage because of witnessing multiple failed marriages on the parts of his parents, and who believed commitment didn't require a piece of paper. But guess who proposed a few month ago? He did.

 

Marriage is important to me, and he knew that going in - just as I knew his feelings. But he always told me that he loved me enough to get past his feelings on the subject, and he proved that he meant that.

[Fudgie]

 

Marriage is important to me, and he knew that going in - just as I knew his feelings. But he always told me that he loved me enough to get past his feelings on the subject, and he proved that he meant that.

 

That's sort of my situation but flipped. I am not that keen on marriage but he is, although it's far off in the future for him. I am not sure if I can get over it or not. Marriage squicks me out. But he knows my feelings on it and wants to stay. His choice, I guess.

[Hermes]

Exactly, Ayla. That is how it is.

 

You're much less likely to get away with this in more conservative and more religious countries.

 

That said I believe it is up to the individual. I see no problem with marriage, nor do I see any problem with civil partnerships, or any other such arrangement. Most of the people I know are married (either civil registry or church, depending). In the younger set some are living together, and may continue to do so, and they do have children while living together. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with any arrangement.

 

Someone was telling me about a couple who lived together close on 40 years, but decided to get married. I know quite a few young couples who got married after they had a few children. No one raises their eyebrows any more.

 

I suppose in reply to the OP what happens is that one might have a certain idea at 20 about life, and an entirely different viewpoint at say 35 or 45.

[Blue Spiral]

On the other hand, a 20yo girl or a 40yo woman is more likely not to care about marriage that much..for different reasons each.

 

When my (marriage-wanting) girlfriends dumped me, they were both around the age of 20...

[Ms Darcy]

Being upfront about this is a great filter because you won't waste your time on women who do want this.

 

For me and a lot of women, this would be a deal breaker so it's better to say that upfront.

[Fudgie]

For me and a lot of women, this would be a deal breaker so it's better to say that upfront.

 

Agree. It's best to be upfront with things like this. Your thoughts on marriage, kids, etc. If you don't ever want to move out of your city/state/country, say so. Best to get any and all possible deal breakers out of the way early.

 

OP, be aware that some women will hear your thoughts on marriage and still think they can get you to "change your mind". If they get upset later, that's their problem, NOT YOURS. As long as you don't lie about your feelings, you can never be in the wrong. If they chose to be with you despite you being vocal on your beliefs, then that's up to them.

[Hermes]

Absolutely agree, Fudgie.

 

It is highly advisable to make sure of utmost clarity at the outset. One doesn't have to stand up and read off a list of the dealbreakers, but simply bring up your views in the course of conversation.

[leseine7]

Depends where you live. I'm from the Netherlands and none of my female friends believe in marriage or want to get married. They are in there 30's and half of them have kids already (without marriage).

 

This is a great point. I moved to the Netherlands this past year and my whole viewpoint on marriage has changed. Partnerships and families are strong here and a lot of my friends have kids with their partner of many years, but have no plans to marry officially. I actually love the way they approach marriage and think the pressure/ stress of marriage in the states is a big reason that many incompatible couples get married and then divorce later on. If you aren't PRESSURED into marriage you are more likely to just stay in your healthy relationship because you want to.

 

But anyway, that's just my opinion and what I have experienced here, but my point is - this is a very general question and will be vastly different depending on who you are dealing with.

[leseine7]

It's a deal breaker for women that are not "true" feminist. Cause if they were, and assuming feminism is for "equality" (which it isn't BTW)......no woman would EVER marry a man that wants or believes in marriage. Mostly because everyone and their mother knows that the court and our justice system is balanced towards women.

 

 

 

Act of marriage is essentially a Government and Religious STAMP. Is it needed or required? Absolutely NOT.

 

Lol, I love how DoF is the authority on every single issue regarding women.

 

Jk, I often like your input DoF, but I happen to believe that wanting to unite with someone through marriage is absolutely not anti-feminist. Many men also want to marry, do they not?

[Hermes]

Yes, Leseine, in general here in Europe the approach to marriage, or no marriage, or simply partnerships or any other arrangement is not subject to any pressure or judgement.

 

However, wedding are still big business lol. It is a personal choice to be decided by the couple. The trend I do see as I mentioned before is couples living together for X amount of time (years usually), even having children and then getting married (or not). It is rare in these parts to see many marrying before age 30 in any case, or even a bit later.

 

Even in my parents day no one was pressured into marriage.

[Seraphim]

Lol, I love how DoF is the authority on every single issue regarding women.

 

Jk, I often like your input DoF, but I happen to believe that wanting to unite with someone through marriage is absolutely not anti-feminist. Many men also want to marry, do they not?

 

Yup has nothing to do with anti feminism.

 

Speaking to conservatism and religion I would say my society is neither and people still get married.

[leseine7]

Yes, Leseine, in general here in Europe the approach to marriage, or no marriage, or simply partnerships or any other arrangement is not subject to any pressure or judgement.

 

However, wedding are still big business lol. It is a personal choice to be decided by the couple. The trend I do see as I mentioned before is couples living together for X amount of time (years usually), even having children and then getting married (or not). It is rare in these parts to see many marrying before age 30 in any case, or even a bit later.

 

Even in my parents day no one was pressured into marriage.

 

Just one of many things I've grown to love about Europe.

[surfdiva]

For me, it's a deal breaker. I was married before and I really enjoyed being married and hope to be again one day.

[shessofly]

Yes, for me it is a deal breaker.

[Itchy]

I wouldn't equate no marriage with not wanting a long term commitment - it would depend on why and what kind of commitment the person would want, if any.

 

I don't label as a feminist but believe that equality for women coexists just fine with being married. Married couples have their own individual way of managing their relationships/interaction/dynamics.

 

I am not sure what kind of commitment, I'd want a relationship that is largely built around friendship, I'd like companionship from time to time, like someone to go out for a meal with, someone to go on holiday with and someone to sit and watch TV with or go dancing with. I think I want friendship more than anything else, I've never believed in soul-mates or anything like that? That stuff is as believable to me as pixies and the gingerbread man.

 

Agree. It's best to be upfront with things like this. Your thoughts on marriage, kids, etc. If you don't ever want to move out of your city/state/country, say so. Best to get any and all possible deal breakers out of the way early.

 

OP, be aware that some women will hear your thoughts on marriage and still think they can get you to "change your mind". If they get upset later, that's their problem, NOT YOURS. As long as you don't lie about your feelings, you can never be in the wrong. If they chose to be with you despite you being vocal on your beliefs, then that's up to them.

 

The sad thing is that I can imagine a woman will change my mind and then this will followed by lifeless marriage where I feel suffocated and trapped before the impending divorce proceeding which sees the legal system give me nothing but take from me, everything. Marriage is a car crash waiting to happen and contrary to some belief, I don't believe it has anything to do with feminism.

[Fudgie]

The sad thing is that I can imagine a woman will change my mind and then this will followed by lifeless marriage where I feel suffocated and trapped before the impending divorce proceeding which sees the legal system give me nothing but take from me, everything. Marriage is a car crash waiting to happen and contrary to some belief, I don't believe it has anything to do with feminism.

 

It doesn't have anything to do with feminism. I wouldn't get married if I were you, then. You just simply cannot give in, no matter what she does. She can stomp her feet, call you a "jerk", drag you to therapy, whine, but you don't have to give in to her demands. Then two things will happen 1) the relationship will end (and you can move on to something else) or 2) she will stay with you for good because maybe she passes her prime biological age for having kids and it makes no sense to try for that anymore.

 

Do not give in if you don't want something.

[Itchy]

It doesn't have anything to do with feminism. I wouldn't get married if I were you, then. You just simply cannot give in, no matter what she does. She can stomp her feet, call you a "jerk", drag you to therapy, whine, but you don't have to give in to her demands. Then two things will happen 1) the relationship will end (and you can move on to something else) or 2) she will stay with you for good because maybe she passes her prime biological age for having kids and it makes no sense to try for that anymore.

 

Do not give in if you don't want something.

 

I wouldn't do that a woman, if a woman wants marriage that much and children that much, then I'd let her go and find a man that will give her what she wants. I am not a selfish man and will never stop anybody from pursuing what they want. I am not bothered if I ever meet a woman and have a loving and fulfilling relationship, I'm happy on my own but if I do meet a woman that doesn't want marriage or children then providing there's a mutual attraction and we get on, then I'd be open to dating her.

[Hermes]

No truer word Itchy.

 

I've never believed in soul-mates or anything like that? That stuff is as believable to me as pixies and the gingerbread man.

 

Soulmate. That word should be deleted forever. No such thing.

 

You are perfectly entitled to your view Itchy on marriage. It isn't for you. That's the fact of the matter.

[Fudgie]

You will be fine Itchy. As Hermes said, it's just not for you. Just make it known. There ARE women out there who don't really want marriage OR don't really give a hoot either way. Marriage is not a requirement anymore to find someone worthwhile.

[Jibralta]

It's not a deal breaker for me. Marriage was never a priority in my life.

 

The relationship that I am in is a lot like this:

 

a relationship that is largely built around friendship, I'd like companionship from time to time, like someone to go out for a meal with, someone to go on holiday with and someone to sit and watch TV with or go dancing with.

 

He's my best friend. I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

We've known each other since we were kids, but didn't get together until we were in our mid-thirties (thankfully).

 

My advice: be upfront with people about what you want, and don't settle for anything less. Someone is out there for you