Is it a deal breaker for most women if a man does not believe in marriage?

[Fudgie]

I agree Victoria, and I'm sure OP would agree too. I keep most of my opinions to myself 99% of the time IRL because that's the respectful thing to do.

 

However, I think he needs to share his opinion, all his opinion, with potential partners to weed out the ones who think that they can change his mind.

[Seraphim]

I agree Victoria, and I'm sure OP would agree too.

 

However, I think he needs to share his opinion, all his opinion, with potential partners to weed out the ones who think that they can change his mind.

 

I agree he needs to share his opinion with potential partners . That is very valid . However with friends about their weddings not so much .

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting to be married or having kids but is there really an objective to crapping on what makes others happy especially if they are close to you? It's like saying hey I'm your friend but let me poke this stick in your eye . There is such a thing as over sharing one's opinion .

 

I tend to agree. It's like there's an agenda when people crap on something that does make a lot of people happy.

 

It sort of reminds me of some of my husband's vegan friends who rail on eating meat. It's like they are trying to convert me. Eh, no thanks.

 

One of my best friends doesn't believe in marriage. He came to my wedding and was wonderful and supportive. We had lots of fun.

[Fudgie]

Yeah, I wouldn't share with friends who feel differently. It's irrelevant. Conversely, they know not to include me on marriage/wedding stuff because they know I'm not into that and have nothing to add or contribute. Decorating? Romance? No clue, sorry.

[Seraphim]

Yeah, I wouldn't share with friends who feel differently. It's irrelevant. Conversely, they know not to include me on marriage/wedding stuff because they know I'm not into that and have nothing to add or contribute. Decorating? Romance? No clue, sorry.

 

You are romantic though. Going to festivals with your squeeze is romantic to me .

[Fudgie]

You are romantic though. Going to festivals with your squeeze is romantic to me .

 

Bah ha I don't know about that haha

[Ms Darcy]

I would have been pretty bummed if my best friend didn't come to my wedding because he doesn't believe in marriage. He came though and pretty much saved the day with his quick thinking/problem solving. Plus, he led the dancing! Anyways, people are different.

[Seraphim]

I tend to agree. It's like there's an agenda when people crap on something that does make a lot of people happy.

 

It sort of reminds me of some of my husband's vegan friends who rail on eating meat. It's like they are trying to convert me. Eh, no thanks.

 

One of my best friends doesn't believe in marriage. He came to my wedding and was wonderful and supportive. We had lots of fun.

 

Yup, there is such thing as being supportive about somebody else's gig because their gig is not about you .

[Fudgie]

I would have been pretty bummed if my best friend didn't come to my wedding because he doesn't believe in marriage. He came though and pretty much saved the day with his quick thinking/problem solving. Plus, he led the dancing! Anyways, people are different.

 

I usually don't go to weddings and I don't go to bridal/baby showers or bachelorette parties. The last wedding I went to was with my ex and it was only because his family member was a millionaire and I knew I'd have a good time because it was extravagant. My reasons for not going going vary between: I feel uncomfortable, I feel social anxiety, I don't want to spend the money.

 

I think it's better to be respectful and decline and send well wishes and do something else. I'm sure I've caused disappointment but life goes on. No one has stopped talking to me as a result so I think it's okay.

[Seraphim]

I usually don't go to weddings and I don't go to bridal/baby showers or bachelorette parties. The last wedding I went to was with my ex and it was only because his family member was a millionaire and I knew I'd have a good time because it was extravagant. My reasons for not going going vary between: I feel uncomfortable, I feel social anxiety, I don't want to spend the money.

 

I think it's better to be respectful and decline and send well wishes and do something else. I'm sure I've caused disappointment but life goes on. No one has stopped talking to me as a result so I think it's okay.

 

I agree you don't have to go if you don't want to go . You're still being respectful of what makes their life happy. And you're being respectful of what makes your life happy .

 

Life would go a whole lot better if everyone was more respectful of each other .

[Fudgie]

Yup, that's pretty much what you do. Just respect yourself and others too. It's possible.

[Ms Darcy]

I will also admit I am biased because I grew up seeing my parents' marriage and they are still going strong 45 years later. I have a healthy relationship with my mom and dad. I have seen several other successful long term marriages. And marriage for me so far is really great. So I think when the OP said that when he sees someone getting married he's happy for them but thinks they are making a mistake, I can't help but diasgree. How is it a mistake when people believe in it and are happy about it? I gather you would not say that to someone, but it is just odd to me. I can't relate.

 

Granted, I know people who have divorced. My sister did, but we all thought she married too young and the wrong guy. So the mistake was about not marrying a compatible person, not simply marrying.

 

I would be curious to hear a compelling argument for not marrying. I think the closest one is that people might tend to rush to divorce and that leaves you in a vulnerable financial position if you have to pay alimony. But I would think a prenup would be the remedy.

[Seraphim]

I will also admit I am biased because I grew up seeing my parents' marriage and they are still going strong 45 years later. I have a healthy relationship with my mom and dad. I have seen several other successful long term marriages. And marriage for me so far is really great. So I think when the OP said that when he sees someone getting married he's happy for them but thinks they are making a mistake, I can't help but diasgree. How is it a mistake when people believe in it and are happy about it? I gather you would not say that to someone, but it is just odd to me. I can't relate.

 

Granted, I know people who have divorced. My sister did, but we all thought she married too young and the wrong guy. So the mistake was about not marrying a compatible person, not simply marrying.

 

I would be curious to hear a compelling argument for not marrying. I think the closest one is that people might tend to rush to divorce and that leaves you in a vulnerable financial position if you have to pay alimony. But I would think a prenup would be the remedy.

 

I agree ,my own marriage has been long surviving and I don't think I've made a mistake . If you marry the right person for you it is probably not going to be a mistake. I will agree my own parents did make a mistake they were far too young at 18 and my father was far too mentally ill to ever make a relationship work . My husband's parents will have been married 57 years this year . And no one in his family has ever divorced that he knows of or I know of. I don't think all those people made a mistake . Just yesterday my husband said to me I want to be with you for the rest of my life and I know that with all my heart . How could that ever be a mistake ?

[Ms Darcy]

Yup, that's pretty much what you do. Just respect yourself and others too. It's possible.

 

True. We had a small wedding, so I only invited family and best friends. I tend to be close to people who would be there for me when I felt I really needed them. One friend couldn't make it .... She had just had a baby so she was excused

[Fudgie]

My parents have been married for over 30 years and my g-parents were together for 70+ years. I don't think your family status necessarily dictates how you feel about marriage. It hasn't for me.

 

You CAN be happy for someone and still think negatively of what they are doing. It's cognitive dissonance. People do it all the time. You can be happy for them in the sense of "I know this is what they want, and they are happy, so I am happy that they are happy" but you still think negatively of the institution personally. So there you have it - you are happy for them because they are doing what they want, but you still think it's a cruddy idea. So what do you do? Express your happiness for them and keep your opinions to yourself. Easy.

 

I guess the real question is, as long as your friends are respectful to you and don't badmouth your decisions, then why would you (or anyone) care what they really think? I know a number of my friends don't agree with certain things I do in my life but as long as they treat me respectfully, I don't much care. It's the old "if a tree falls in a forest..." argument.

 

As for not getting married, common law doesn't exist in my state and domestic partnership awards nearly all of the legal benefits of marriage without any of the financial pitfalls. It's also cheaper to get and can be severed at any time without courts and dividing assets/alimony. For someone who doesn't want the financial downfalls and expense of marriage, it's way easier to be in a state like mine and get that.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree that your family's marital status doesn't dictate how one feels about marriage. I also noted that I have a good relationship with my parents and for me it's part of my personal values, so there are a number of factors.

 

Since this is just a forum, I do note that I don't get the certain perspectives for the sake of discussion. In real life, as long as the friends keep negative opinions to themselves about what you are doing, it's all good.

 

My other sister is gay and has been married for a couple of years. I think it's so interesting this discussion because I recall when folks would tell them to just be happy with a civil union. I am not suggesting you are but I am recalling that and how strongly they wanted to be able to marry.

 

I think common law and civil unions are all good as well.

[Fudgie]

If legal rights are all that you care about, then yeah you can just be happy with a civil union. But the reason why gays fought for marriage was because it meant more to them and they wanted that. I would get a domestic partnership maybe with someone but probably not a marriage. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I don't see the point for me if I can sign a document and get all the rights anyway. My boyfriend wants marriage sentimental reasons but he knows if he stands a chance with me in the future, he has to give it up and settle for a domestic partnership. His choice.

[Fudgie]

Common law though, I am against. I think you should be able to opt in or opt out. Not the state coming in and saying "you lived together and now you are married". Im so glad my state is no common law. I would never live with a partner in a common law state.

[Ms Darcy]

Common law though, I am against. I think you should be able to opt in or opt out. Not the state coming in and saying "you lived together and now you are married".

 

Yeah, I can definitely understand this.

[Itchy]

You seem to be missing a concept. If someone was happily married for 20 years but they get divorced all of a sudden that 20 years is nul and void? 20 years of happiness just disappears and doesn't exist? Of course not.

 

Have the fond years of your life just disappeared because you're not doing them anymore?

 

I'm always honest and I pull no punches, my friend knows this, he's known me since we were small boys, we've been friends over twenty two years. He knows what my opinion on marriage is because I told him long ago of my views about marriage and despite that he still wants me to be his best man of which I have agreed just out of respect for him not because I like marriage/weddings, but I will do my duty.

 

"but if he asks me my opinion on marriage I'm not going to lie to him, I'll tell him what I have expressed here"

 

 

How about being a supportive friend in this way "my opinion about the institution of marriage is irrelevant but if you want my input on the health of your relationship with your intended I'll do my best". Sometimes even when someone asks the best thing to say is nothing - he will have already proposed, they will be planning a marriage -why introduce negativity? Hopefully it would be irrelevant to him, too -he would be secure enough to know his own mind but what's the point?

 

I am a supportive friend so I don't know what you are wittering on about? He knows I am honest to a fault and that's why me and him have been best friends, like Brothers for most of our lives, so don't question my friendship to him, I'd stand in front of a bullet for the man. He knows I am honest and he knows when everyone else around him tells him what he wants to hear, I'll tell him what he needs to hear. I don't lie to him or tell him what he wants to hear, I'll tell him what I think and likewise he does the same. When you can be this candid with your friend then you have a special friendship as far as I am concerned.

 

It really depends on the woman and what her beliefs are really. Some woman will be fine with the idea of never getting married and some would be devastated by it. Definitely something you need to bring up casually near the beginning of the relationship to make that very clear. Instead of waiting till the woman is super attached and in love to tell them. I do think that if its the right woman and you reallllyyyy care about her and love her, then if that was something she wanted you might be more open to the idea.

 

No I am not open to the idea of marriage, I don't believe in the institution, for me to marry someone would be hypocritical.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting to be married or having kids but is there really an objective to crapping on what makes others happy especially if they are close to you? It's like saying hey I'm your friend but let me poke this stick in your eye . There is such a thing as over sharing one's opinion .

 

Not at all, it's funny how people want honesty but only when it's convenient to them. Only when they want to hear honesty do they call for it. If someone asks me for my opinion, they'll get a straight up opinion on what I think, I don't sugar coat my opinions, I don't watch my tongue because it may upset someone. If someone is easily upset that's not my problem and they are free in the future to not associate themselves with me or ask me for my opinion on anything.

[Seraphim]

I'm always honest and I pull no punches, my friend knows this, he's known me since we were small boys, we've been friends over twenty two years. He knows what my opinion on marriage is because I told him long ago of my views about marriage and despite that he still wants me to be his best man of which I have agreed just out of respect for him not because I like marriage/weddings, but I will do my duty.

 

 

 

I am a supportive friend so I don't know what you are wittering on about? He knows I am honest to a fault and that's why me and him have been best friends, like Brothers for most of our lives, so don't question my friendship to him, I'd stand in front of a bullet for the man. He knows I am honest and he knows when everyone else around him tells him what he wants to hear, I'll tell him what he needs to hear. I don't lie to him or tell him what he wants to hear, I'll tell him what I think and likewise he does the same. When you can be this candid with your friend then you have a special friendship as far as I am concerned.

 

 

 

No I am not open to the idea of marriage, I don't believe in the institution, for me to marry someone would be hypocritical.

 

 

 

Not at all, it's funny how people want honesty but only when it's convenient to them. Only when they want to hear honesty do they call for it. If someone asks me for my opinion, they'll get a straight up opinion on what I think, I don't sugar coat my opinions, I don't watch my tongue because it may upset someone. If someone is easily upset that's not my problem and they are free in the future to not associate themselves with me or ask me for my opinion on anything.

I don't pull many punches either but I have learned the difference between being honest and over sharing . Like I said it doesn't bother me one bit if someone doesn't want to be married. I don't feel one way or the other about it.

[Itchy]

I don't pull many punches either but I have learned the difference between being honest and over sharing . Like I said it doesn't bother me one bit if someone doesn't want to be married. I don't feel one way or the other about it.

 

Perhaps that's a lesson for me to learn but the great thing is very few people ask for my opinions ever. I tend to just listen to people because most people just want someone to listen to them and not offer their opinion.

[Seraphim]

What I am saying is I would never tell you " I think you are making a mistake and your life is a waste for that mistake." Know what I am saying? That is only designed to hurt people.

[Itchy]

What I am saying is I would never tell you " I think you are making a mistake and your life is a waste for that mistake." Know what I am saying? That is only designed to hurt people.

 

Well I wouldn't say that, what I have said to my friend is that I believe marriage is an outdated concept that should probably die, I then listed a whole host of reasons why I think this and he wasn't phased by it, he disagreed but we disagree on a lot of things and agree on some things and we always show each other respect. He knows I will put aside my own beliefs to support his which is why I will be the best man at his wedding and I will ensure that he and his wife have a fantastic day. I'm not malicious and never set out to hurt people but if it happens then that's not really my problem.

[tina-rocks]

Never say never is a belief of mine, because what we feel today can change tomorrow, like seasons change. We cannot forsee what's around the corner, no matter what we do, change is inevitable.