How much of a detriment is it to be plus-sized?

[mustlovedogs]

Hello!

 

I have a question that I don't believe my friends or family will, or are, answering honestly.

 

I've struggled with being plus-sized my whole life. I'm currently a US 12/14 (apparently the average size in the US?). So I'm certainly not skinny or toned. However, I think I'm at least average looking? And I would like to think my personality is good.

 

But, of course, the initial attraction is most important.

 

Does being plus-sized severely limit my dating prospects? Is it possible that I *most likely* can't find love again unless I lose weight?

 

I am casually trying to lose weight, for what it's worth I work out maybe 8 hours a week and am trying to eat healthier generally, but I'm not willing to completely give up sweets.

[gigiselle]

I seriously think it's about health. Unhealthy is not attractive. It's not only size...its height ....Also waist and hip ratio(most recent health indicator). It's about things that predict health issues in the present future....

[j.man]

Depends how you wear the curves. Speaking personally, a size 12 or 14 is probably a bit too large for me, but there have women in that range I've seen who looked like straight up goddesses. In any case, it's certainly not large to the point I think you'd have a much harder time than any other woman getting a guy. That's just speaking in terms of body shape, though. Of course plenty of other aesthetic qualities come into play, which you may or may not benefit from.

 

But it also depends on the kind of guy you're hoping to get. In general terms, like attracts like, so if you're looking for a fit and muscular guy yourself, you might face more difficulty. But you shouldn't have an issue with men who are average (as you associate your body type).

 

And 8 hours a week ain't "casually" losing weight. That's called "gettin' it." Keep up the good work and good luck in both fitness and dating!

[Cheetarah]

Some people will say it does, many will perhaps. I have been average to obese, right now I am in the overweight category. Yeah, I got hit on more when I was average sized, but that's about it. I don't feel it opened up my dating pool tremendously or anything, since I don't typically respond to being cold approached. Perhaps a bit. But nothing to write home about.

[gigiselle]

Waist to hip ratio is by far the best indicator of health and attractiveness...no coincidence there

[mustlovedogs]

j.man - I say casually because I haven't focused on the nutrition aspect as much, and I know that's important. I'm trying to take lifestyle steps to be better instead of jumping straight in and not being able to maintain it. But thank you!

 

I'm not actually sure if my appearance is average. I had awful terrible self esteem for so long and I have been working for the last year or so on fixing it. So I'm not sure where I fall on the attractiveness spectrum, BUT I certainly have more confidence... which helps.

 

Cheetarah - that's good to know! It's possible my personality is more the problem, lol.

 

Thank you everyone for the responses!

 

Edit: I'm going to check my waist-hip ratio right now!

[Cheetarah]

According to this calculator, I am a pear and apparently that's unhealthy. I thought apples were at risk for more health issues(heaviest at midsection).

[Ms Darcy]

Waist to hip ratio is by far the best indicator of health and attractiveness...no coincidence there

 

I agree. Women who are an hourglass size 12 who wear their curves well are stunning to me. But it's considered less attractive if one is more of a reverse A shape. It just depends on how you wear it and what the guy you are interested in likes.

[IAmFCA]

I am 5 3, have been a size 2 (barely sustainable as a college kid) to a size 10, about a 30 pound range on me. As I was gaining weight, I began to run into things like cholesterol warnings, more colds and respiratory infections, problems with spinal alignment, and more of a challenge to be athletic and to be coordinated.

 

It's the last bit that bothered me, and as the weight began to leave me, most other challenges left as well. When I first began to exercise, my work colleagues perceived me as having more energy and a more can-do attitude. This might be true, I don't know. (Now, I know it's true. Later in this journey I found a coach who helped my mental game. 5 years after starting to figure out how to manage my health, I still had a talkative and quite self defeating inner voice. That is less true now.)

 

I was displeased to discover that the quality of dating prospect (male) improved dramatically with a difference of about 15 pounds. That's a little frightening, but it did happen. On the flip side, this likely means I have attracted a lower quality of man despite appearances to the contrary.

[gypsybird87]

I'm a size 14 and was when I met my ex-BF as well. Some guys mind it, some don't. I agree part of it is your shape and how you wear your curves. I'm an hourglass. Bigger hips, boobs etc, with a smaller waist. This seems to work better than apple or pear shaped, so I'm lucky in that regard. The breakup diet is in full swing though so perhaps my silver lining will be dropping a size or two. I'm down six pounds already.

 

I also think it's important to dress correctly for the body shape and size you have. Know what's flattering and what works for you. If you're not sure, ask that friend we all have. You know, the one who will tell you exactly how it is.

 

Healthy eating is a big part of weight loss, and so is strength training, so be sure you're incorporating that into your workout time. You don't need to lift a bunch of heavy weights. Just light weights and body weight stuff like squats and push-ups or planking.

 

Most of all, love the body you have. Love it through all its changes, good or bad. Someone will come along who loves it too!

[limichelle]

I would say it's all in confidence! Not many others will agree but I'm plus sized and it's how you convey yourself to others. If you are working out and eating healthy men will take notice of you improving your health. Plus after working out I do t know about you but I feel very confident.

 

Don't worry about size and shape just worry about working on rebuilding the inside out, the rest will fall into place.

 

Lisa

[Cheetarah]

Is it possible that I *most likely* can't find love again unless I lose weight?

 

I totally missed this. No..I don't buy into that at all.

 

I don't know, but my experiences in life differ a lot from the thoughts and such I encounter on this forum. There are people who come on here, say that they are short, or overweight, or some other such thing and their dating pool is totally void of fish. I don't know one person who has this problem, and I know plenty of less than average looking people. I do however, know people good looking or otherwise that have some serious personality defects that have left them with no fish.

 

Keep working on your esteem. I'm heavier than I was a year ago, but the quality of a potential mate I attract has improved quite a bit. But, so have I.

[mustlovedogs]

Most of what I do is strength training so I've definitely toned up a lot. I really need to do more cardio but I hate hate hate running... haha. So I'm going to start adding in some bicycling now that snow is melting.

 

I know I'm being a bit over sensitive. My ex met me when I was just a bit heavier than I am now, so it's possible.

 

Edit: Awww Thank you everyone! I missed those new replies while I was typing this. Thank you!

[melancholy123]

Oh my. You are far from plus sized. I find it sad that people believe a size 12-14 is huge because it isn't. What you wear and how you wear it is more important than the size number on the label.

[Capricorn3]

I think for the most part people tend to go for what looks healthy and thus is more appealing. People associate overweight with not healthy and bad nutrition/diet etc.

 

You mention you have/had terrible self-esteem. Losing weight will more likely than not improve your self-esteem, look better and in turn make you FEEL better about yourself, which in turn gives out a more happy/positive vibe and people automatically get drawn to you.

 

So yes, I guess in a way being overweight CAN be detrimental. We all have different tastes. Some people love plus-size, others don't. You have to decide if it's working against you and take it from there.

[mustlovedogs]

Capricorn - yes, it was awful for a long time. For that awful period, I wanted to lose weight to be happier. Now I'm at a point where I not only don't hate how I look, I actually kind of like it. Of course, I would like it more if I slimmed down a bit - but my desire to lose weight isn't driven on being happier anymore. It's to be healthier.

 

So I've improved a lot in that sense.

[Capricorn3]

Capricorn - yes, it was awful for a long time. For that awful period, I wanted to lose weight to be happier. Now I'm at a point where I not only don't hate how I look, I actually kind of like it. Of course, I would like it more if I slimmed down a bit - but my desire to lose weight isn't driven on being happier anymore. It's to be healthier.

 

So I've improved a lot in that sense.

 

Ohh, that's great! Good for you!

[Movingforward3]

I love a woman with curves! I prefer a real woman to keep me warm at night! I would not know what to do with a stick and I like to know I can't break you

[j.man]

I love a woman with curves! I prefer a real woman to keep me warm at night! I would not know what to do with a stick and I like to know I can't break you

Movingforward3 will be the guest lecturer for today's "How to Open a Can of Worms 101" class.

[arjumand]

While obesity can be unattractive, I know women of every size who have never had problems getting and keeping high quality men. If you are getting more attention because you lost 15 pounds, that doesn't mean you are now getting attention from higher quality men. It means you are getting attention from different men with different tastes. My husband and my father never liked skinny women and made that perfectly clear. Being healthy is one thing, but people acting like an extra 10 pounds makes them "worried" and you "unhealthy" are really just playing into the controlling, miniaturizing of women that is so popular in our society.

[j.man]

Being healthy is one thing, but people acting like an extra 10 pounds makes them "worried" and you "unhealthy" are really just playing into the controlling, miniaturizing of women that is so popular in our society.

Well, to be fair, it depends where you're coming from. If you're a woman in the 25% - 30% "normal" body fat range and you're gaining 10 pounds of non-muscle, you're talking another ~6% body fat, which definitely isn't a positive thing from a general health perspective. Not saying it's time to go into freak out mode, but that would be about the time to start reassessing some habits. That's assuming staying within what's considered to be a healthy body fat percentage is a priority of yours. If not, then by all means you do you.

 

[Edited to omit further social commentary that might derail the thread a bit too far.]

[mustlovedogs]

Not that I'd stick the OP in the "obese" category as a size 12, but I very much admire her attitude. She's made great strides and has accepted and even learned to appreciate how she looks while still having the urge to slim down a bit more and improve her overall health.

 

Thank you! I am trying

[IAmFCA]

While obesity can be unattractive, I know women of every size who have never had problems getting and keeping high quality men. If you are getting more attention because you lost 15 pounds, that doesn't mean you are now getting attention from higher quality men. It means you are getting attention from different men with different tastes. My husband and my father never liked skinny women and made that perfectly clear. Being healthy is one thing, but people acting like an extra 10 pounds makes them "worried" and you "unhealthy" are really just playing into the controlling, miniaturizing of women that is so popular in our society.

 

Great points. Thank you.

 

In my case, it made sense, law of attraction. I want a fit and athletic man, and needed to begin to offer same.

[becomingkate]

It's all about confidence.

I've been anywhere from a size 12 to an 18 in the last 25 years and have always dated active, sporty men.

I'm currently married to a man that is slowing down but still relatively fit and handsome. Although I'm the biggest woman he's ever been with, I also have had the best connection with him and that made a big difference.

[DancingFool]

Tell you a little secret.....guys don't have a clue what size you are....all they really pay attention to is whatever it is that attracts them personally...eyes, smile, boobs, behind, legs, etc. Once you've got their attention, how you carry yourself - funny, confident, self assured, shy, etc. - again it's all about what he is attracted to personally. Either you are the right lid and he is the right pot or not. Don't forget that YOU are also looking for the right pot, not just a random pot that. Right? Right?!

 

When it comes to attraction, there is simply no one size fits all. Everyone has a different preference and you are not looking to please many, you need the right guy for you....only one guy....