How much of a detriment is it to be plus-sized?

[mustlovedogs]

Aw thank you everyone!

[happpybear]

I totally missed this. No..I don't buy into that at all.

 

I don't know, but my experiences in life differ a lot from the thoughts and such I encounter on this forum. There are people who come on here, say that they are short, or overweight, or some other such thing and their dating pool is totally void of fish. I don't know one person who has this problem, and I know plenty of less than average looking people. I do however, know people good looking or otherwise that have some serious personality defects that have left them with no fish.

 

Keep working on your esteem. I'm heavier than I was a year ago, but the quality of a potential mate I attract has improved quite a bit. But, so have I.

 

I totally agree with this. What I see around me are couples of many different shapes and sizes. I've known men who are thin and prefer larger women, I've known men who were adament that the prefer a petite body type, until they met someone who knocked their socks off--and also happened to be a bbw.

 

I've seen a friend tear herself apart for years for being overweight, thinking no man will want her, only to go on vacation to a foreign country where she got hit-on constantly, then she started to realize that there are men that prefer thicker women, and maybe she needs to stop feeling bad about herself and open her eyes a bit. After that vacation, her attitude changed, she started accepting herself. Since then, she's had no prob attracting men. She's confident and loves herself, it really makes a difference.

 

I'm pretty thin, 5'7" and 120lb soaking wet, and I can safely say that there are men out there who do not like thin women, and I have been rejected before for being so thin. But there is a lid for every pot, and personality counts for a lot.

[j.man]

One thing I'd do is google "my boyfriend won't let me lose weight." If you're overweight and think sometime in your life, you might want to lose a good chunk of the weight or even just some of it, be careful of dating a man who might fetishize your shape. There unfortunately are a good lot of them who would selfishly discourage you from making a healthy choice for the sole purpose of maintaining their own sexual gratification.

[faraday]

One thing I'd do is google "my boyfriend won't let me loose weight." If you're overweight and think sometime in your life, you might want to lose a god chunk of the weight or even just some of it, be careful of dating a man who might fetishize your shape. There unfortunately are a good lot of them who would selfishly discourage you from making a healthy choice for the sole purpose of maintaining their own sexual gratification.

 

Yes, and women should be careful of the men that dump them because they don't lose their pregnancy weight fast enough...or trade them in for a younger model after 15 years of marriage.

[j.man]

Yes, and women should be careful of the men that dump them because they don't lose their pregnancy weight fast enough...or trade them in for a younger model after 15 years of marriage.

Not at all suggesting women don't deserve to be cut some slack for not rushing to get their figure back after carrying a child for 9 months and nurturing a newborn afterward. I'd be quick to call that guy out just as well. But there's a big difference between leaving someone because they don't want to see them making lifestyle choices that could shave 10 - 20 years off their lifespan and someone discouraging their partner from taking steps to achieve the opposite.

 

I'd dump a woman who picked up smoking, too. It's not just about the appearance.

[SoulTaker]

I've struggled with being plus-sized my whole life. I'm currently a US 12/14 (apparently the average size in the US?). So I'm certainly not skinny or toned. However, I think I'm at least average looking? And I would like to think my personality is good.

 

But, of course, the initial attraction is most important.

 

Does being plus-sized severely limit my dating prospects? Is it possible that I *most likely* can't find love again unless I lose weight?

 

I am casually trying to lose weight, for what it's worth I work out maybe 8 hours a week and am trying to eat healthier generally, but I'm not willing to completely give up sweets.

 

You're not accurately judging yourself. You're not plus size, unless it is distributed at an un-even shape (as others have pointed out). If you were "online dating", and checked out your competition, you would see that over 1/2 of the women that label themselves as "athletic & toned", are bigger than you. It's the sign of the times.

 

Also, over 74% of the men out there are either overweight, or obese. So, I don't see the limitation in dating prospects. When "looks" are a priority, the problem comes when people try to date outside of their "shape range" (e.g. someone who is overweight, trying to be with some one who is truly athletic and toned).

 

It's good to see that you're working out (no matter the reason). So, it's a matter of what you're looking for, and how accurate are you judging yourself.

[mustlovedogs]

I've considered going to an online site and pretending to be a M4W to see what the female profiles look like. I honestly have no idea what the competition looks like. One of my blunt friends said my pictures are nice, so I'm guessing it has something to do with my profile.

 

And SoulTaker, I've noticed that with guys too, haha. Probably 85% list themselves as athletic and toned and they are not - not that they are bad looking, by any means, but it's misleading. I'm sure a lot of people do that to fit in to more desirable search criteria. I have mine listed as curvy, which maybe isn't helping. BUT I have absolutely NO intentions of posting anything misleading about my appearance. I think I have 6 pictures? One of a facial close-up, 2 or 3 full body pics, and a few doing activities or in groups of friends.

 

This is me being irrational, but I'm nervous I could be single for many years again (my ex was my first serious relationship ever, so it's certainly possible). I'm currently 26 and would like to have kids someday. I always assumed two years of dating, one year of engagement before marriage. If I met someone RIGHT NOW that puts me at 29. If it takes me a few years, I could be in to my 30's before kids are even a discussion. From a biological stand point, that's a bit scary.

 

I'm starting a grad program in August though ... 11/1 male ratio. Haha. That should help

[Hermes]

Listen MLD... You are a mere child!

 

And 30 is young too...

 

I am just running through my mind here family members I know and others in our circle and none of them married before age 30 or a year or two older. It isn't uncommon nowadays for a couple to even be in mid-thirties when marrying.

 

So, take your time.....

[mustlovedogs]

Haha, Hermes, I knew I would get responses like that. I know you're right! I just need to chill out and let life happen.

[Hermes]

Totally MLD. Heh heh. Totally.

[Ms Darcy]

Haha, Hermes, I knew I would get responses like that. I know you're right! I just need to chill out and let life happen.

 

There is no faster way to make a man run away than freaking out about your fertility. Makes it seem like you are more interested in baby making than finding love.

[mustlovedogs]

Well that's the thing. I don't want a baby right now at all. And I absolutely do not talk about it. It's just the science of it makes me nervous. I don't want to lose the option to have kids in the future.

 

But no, I don't talk about it at all with men or even really friends. It's just something in the back of my head.

 

I "dated" one guy in college - 1.5 months, hardly anything - and then my ex. That's the extent of my relationship experience. It feels more likely than not that I could go another 5 years before I meet anyone. And then there's the risk that they break my heart after two years, too. So knowing my history, I get nervous when I compare that to the biological clock. Does that make any sense?

[Ms Darcy]

Yes, of course ... just so long as you aren't talking to men about these feelings

 

So, is there anything in your history that makes you think about why you might have been single/might not have been able to meet someone?

[mustlovedogs]

No no I am definitely not I'm not even sure I want kids. But I don't like losing the option before I know.

 

I was awkward and super self conscious. I'm not anywhere as bad as I used to be, so hopefully that's enough.

[Ms Darcy]

No no I am definitely not I'm not even sure I want kids. But I don't like losing the option before I know.

 

I was awkward and super self conscious. I'm not anywhere as bad as I used to be, so hopefully that's enough.

 

Well remember you meet men in real life everyday. The more open and friendly you are, the more men will respond positively. Smile at people. Flirt if there are appropriate opportunities. Happy women are viewed as approachable women.

[KevinStewart]

Hello!

 

I have a question that I don't believe my friends or family will, or are, answering honestly.

 

I've struggled with being plus-sized my whole life. I'm currently a US 12/14 (apparently the average size in the US?). So I'm certainly not skinny or toned. However, I think I'm at least average looking? And I would like to think my personality is good.

 

But, of course, the initial attraction is most important.

 

Does being plus-sized severely limit my dating prospects? Is it possible that I *most likely* can't find love again unless I lose weight?

 

I am casually trying to lose weight, for what it's worth I work out maybe 8 hours a week and am trying to eat healthier generally, but I'm not willing to completely give up sweets.

 

No! I myself certainly prefer girls who are a little chubby and as other people suggested WHR is a better indicator than say BMI.

[Fudgie]

I used to be morbidly obese. I'm just overweight now, still working on that. Losing over 100 lb has impacted how much attention I've gotten but honestly, even when I was a lot bigger, I was still able to find guys to date and some guys still found me attractive.

 

I think being overweight/obese/whatever just means that you have to expand your horizons a bit and that you have to bring other things to the table. It's true, physical attraction are important and being conventionally beautiful is a plus so if you lack that "plus", just means you have to have some other stuff to make up for it. Like a personality, talents, etc.

[mustlovedogs]

I love all the perspective! Thank you everyone.

[SoulTaker]

I've considered going to an online site and pretending to be a M4W to see what the female profiles look like. I honestly have no idea what the competition looks like. One of my blunt friends said my pictures are nice, so I'm guessing it has something to do with my profile.

 

And SoulTaker, I've noticed that with guys too, haha. Probably 85% list themselves as athletic and toned and they are not - not that they are bad looking, by any means, but it's misleading. I'm sure a lot of people do that to fit in to more desirable search criteria. I have mine listed as curvy, which maybe isn't helping. BUT I have absolutely NO intentions of posting anything misleading about my appearance. I think I have 6 pictures? One of a facial close-up, 2 or 3 full body pics, and a few doing activities or in groups of friends.

 

I think you should check out your competition, especially if "looks" are important to you. If not, then experiment and use "athletic & toned". What do you have to lose? See what happens. In order to narrow down the number of profiles during searching, many men will search on "athletic and toned" only. So, they will never see your profile.

 

Also, I'm not surprised that 85% of the men are not really what they described themselves to be. I wonder if you also get the profiles that show 5-6 pictures of only face shots, or pictures taken 10 years ago, or.....

[Pixels]

Being plus-sized isn't that detrimental, as long as you can walk and breathe properly, and you're mentally healthy and realistic about your weight...

 

Generally, the aversion to larger body-sizes is associated with poor health, lack of confidence, ignorance of diet and health, poor education, or asinine disillusions that prevent the person from taking responsibility for their health.

 

The range of body-figures men find attractive is far broader than media exploits.

 

The media portrayal of women is designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator... That's basically the definition of effective advertising...

 

It's a very small percentage of men who would actually shoot you down based on weight criteria alone, and a very small percentage of men who exclusively chase the hour-glass perfect-proportions of a model... Obviously, the heavier you are the more hesitant a guy might be (for reasons above)...

 

Basically, no guy wants to be with a woman who isn't taking care of herself... No guy wants to accept the hassle of a partner who needs additional assistance in the bedroom, or assistance with basic daily functions, or who perpetually abuses themselves or has underlying psychological problems (which is really what a lot of extreme obesity boils down to (unless there's other validated medical concerns). And no guy wants a woman who's happy being a slob...

 

Otherwise, yeah... Media portrayal of women has nothing to do with what guys want... It's mostly what the fewest guys would say "no" to... And in a culture that's so heavily shaped by media, I think you can understand if perpetuated selection has taken place...

 

Seriously though, if you're happy, healthy, and confident... Your weight obviously still puts you at some disadvantage in terms of numbers, but it's not crippling...

[LoveSoDeep]

Okay, first a 12-14 isn't large at all depending on what area of the country you live in. In the Mid-west and parts of the south you might be seen as on the small side.

 

Here's the thing, there will always be men who are attracted to you at any size. The numbers of each group will vary as will the type of men. What you need to think about is who are the men who are attracted to you at this size and are you attracted to them? If the type of man you want to date is less likely to be attracted to someone in your size range then you're going to have an uphill climb so you can choose to work through it and get what you want which may take some time, or if slight changes will enhance your chances at having a larger pool of the type of man you want, then you should consider that as well.

 

With OLD I find that if you say you are "slightly overweight" people will rule you out right away, when if they met you in person they may find you attractive. At your size you're better off marking "Average" and including a well taken pic that shows your shape so they can judge for themselves.

[Ms Darcy]

So, I must be reading this differently from everyone else. I read your first post MLD as ... you have been plus sized but you are currently size 12/14. Is this correct?

[mustlovedogs]

I hover between a 12-16. At my heaviest I was a 16. Isn't anything 12+ considered plus sized?

 

I think I will change it to average and see what happens.

 

Also, I can't say how much I appreciate all the responses. I was sort of expecting a harsher response. Something like "quit whining and just lose weight already" kind of approach. So thank you all for the kindness.

[Ms Darcy]

I hover between a 12-16. At my heaviest I was a 16. Isn't anything 12+ considered plus sized?

 

I think I will change it to average and see what happens.

 

Also, I can't say how much I appreciate all the responses. I was sort of expecting a harsher response. Something like "quit whining and just lose weight already" kind of approach. So thank you all for the kindness.

 

I'm not as well versed in this anymore, but I think the best answer is "it depends."

 

In the fashion world, yes. Here is a good article on this. / ... Meanwhile, the woman in that link who is considered a "plus-sized" model is absolutely stunning. Healthy and curvy and perfect in my eyes.

 

In the US, if you go into stores that cater to plus sizes, sizes will often start around 14 and go up to 2 or 3x (or larger.)

 

To me personally, I don't think 12 is plus-sized. 16 is pretty much plus sized. 14 is a gray area. (I'm no expert here so weight-sensitive folks don't jump down my throat!)

 

The other thing to consider is that some people are small on top and small on bottom or vice versa. So, the distribution of the weight might push one into the plus-sized section.

[Ms Darcy]

I hover between a 12-16. At my heaviest I was a 16. Isn't anything 12+ considered plus sized?

 

I think I will change it to average and see what happens.

 

Also, I can't say how much I appreciate all the responses. I was sort of expecting a harsher response. Something like "quit whining and just lose weight already" kind of approach. So thank you all for the kindness.

 

No! I think the posters here are really good for the most part. People may not like the responses, but at least they are thought out and trying to help you in some way.

 

If there is anything you take away I hope it's that being concerns about your looks from a dating perspective should be a different consideration from being concerned about your weight from a health perspective. Love yourself. You deserve it and you are beautiful. Continue prioritizing your health because that's important no matter your relationship status.

 

On the other side, be mindful that different guys like different looks and do what you can to work with what you have (e.g. dress well, etc.).

 

You are just fine.