How much of a detriment is it to be plus-sized?

[missmarple]

I may sound over simplistic but one thing I've learned about love in my 48 years is that if it wants to find you, it will. Weight and height and size and looks and even personality don't matter.

I'm slim, pretty (according to what people tell me, at least..lol), clever, good-hearted....and I haven't had a relationship in almost 4 years...and I'm not even that picky. My best friend...same situation...although she hasn't fallen in love in 10 years.

I have friends who are on the plus size and much bigger than you and their husbands adore them (and, yes, they were big when they met them).

So, I've decided it all about luck, really and let people say 'lose weight and you'll find love'. No, it doesn't work like that.

 

If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself. Don't do it expecting to 'do better at dating'. Having more prospects means NOTHING, trust me. You could be a top model and still be unlucky in love.

[Ms Darcy]

Capricorn - yes, it was awful for a long time. For that awful period, I wanted to lose weight to be happier. Now I'm at a point where I not only don't hate how I look, I actually kind of like it. Of course, I would like it more if I slimmed down a bit - but my desire to lose weight isn't driven on being happier anymore. It's to be healthier.

 

So I've improved a lot in that sense.

 

I think you are doing a good job. In my personal opinion, 80% of your weight is about your diet/what you eat. I made the mistake of working out obsessively without cleaning up my eating and though I lost weight it wasn't sustainable. I think strength training, cardio (and don't forget about flexibility) are very important for many health related reasons but I think food is the biggest area to tackle.

 

For me, if I am eating very cleanly (not a bunch of calories or carbs, portion controlled, no processed food, lots and lots of vegetables, lots of water, no soda or juice, no candy or other processed sweets or artificial sweeteners) and walking around enough to get 10,000 steps a day, I can lose or maintain a low weight. I think culturally Western diets are so over processed and supersized with sugar, fat and salt that the people become supersized too.

 

Anyway, I think no matter the person's size, if you are honest with yourself about your diet and know that your diet is healthy and you are generally active, there is no reason to feel bad about your body.

[thejigsup]

I can't say for sure, but all of my girlfriends are larger than me and have multiple men chasing them. My life is a lot quieter on that front, even though I'm thinner than they are. We are all about a 7 or 8 on the attractiveness meter, but they are interested in relationships, I am not. So, I'll say it doesn't matter one little bit. My brother fell head over heels for a lady that was a 2X. They had three girls and were married for 30 years. Lots of thin women can't say that.

[SooSad33]

Over the last 3 yrs, i sadly put on a little weight due to med's... but am more less fine. Am told i'm 'cute'.

 

Out of us 5 girls,, 2 are chubby but still got men. ( 20 ys ago). Today, only half of us are still in relationship. Has nothing to do with weight.

 

So... weight involved or not, you can still get a partner. As mentioned.. it goes with your attitude. Kindness, smiles, witt..

[mustlovedogs]

You are all so amazing! Thank you all so much!

[Hermes]

MLD.

 

I would see it only from a health viewpoint. Carrying extra weight isn't good for one's health.

 

 

 

I don't know what a U.S. size 12 is in U.K. sizing.

[faraday]

Hello!

 

I have a question that I don't believe my friends or family will, or are, answering honestly.

 

I've struggled with being plus-sized my whole life. I'm currently a US 12/14 (apparently the average size in the US?). So I'm certainly not skinny or toned. However, I think I'm at least average looking? And I would like to think my personality is good.

 

But, of course, the initial attraction is most important.

 

Does being plus-sized severely limit my dating prospects? Is it possible that I *most likely* can't find love again unless I lose weight?

 

I am casually trying to lose weight, for what it's worth I work out maybe 8 hours a week and am trying to eat healthier generally, but I'm not willing to completely give up sweets.

 

I have been in the size 8-16 category (for the last 3 years a size 16 due to gain weight from taking meds for a chronic illness ). I've never had a problem meeting or dating quality men. It's funny, I actually feel the best about myself when I'm around a 12-14. When I fit in a size 8, I lose my curves....I'm a perfect hourglass with a flat stomach when I'm a 12...but even as a 14, I still feel pretty good. What j.man said about "like attracting like" made me laugh, because I met and dated many men with 6 packs that were into the gym and the outdoors....and I'm not into sports or working out (although I'm trying. Use it or lose it, as they say).

 

The best thing you can do in regards to dating is love yourself. I love myself by making myself look good and feel good. Work out and eat healthy...yes...and...

 

Buy clothing that fits you and looks good on you. Try on everything before you buy it. Take pictures of yourself in the change room and send them to friends to get their opinions if you're not sure. Just...wear things that make you feel good about yourself. And buy a good bra if your girls are bigger than a C Also, shape wear sometimes is a girls best friend. If make-up makes you feel good, wear it.

 

I have several acquaintances who are around my size....and they have trouble meeting men...but they dress frumpy and hate their bodies, and go on and on about how no one will find them attractive. I would love to tell them it's because they're annoying, not because they're chubby...but I smile instead

 

I always posted several current full body pictures in my profile. No weird angles from above where I look like a size 2 with giant boobs...but pics of me with friends hiking, volunteering or at galas. I think it's better to have the guys that aren't interested in me physically pass me by without me knowing, rather than meet them and surprise them....and never hear from them again lol.

 

Good luck Just keep your attitude positive

[mustlovedogs]

Faraday, I love your attitude! Thank you.

[Ms Darcy]

I seriously think it's about health. Unhealthy is not attractive. It's not only size...its height ....Also waist and hip ratio(most recent health indicator). It's about things that predict health issues in the present future....

 

I really like this comment because there's a big distinction between watching your weight/eating habits to attract a man and doing so to be healthy. I don't care about the attracting a man aspect. It's the feeling and being healthy that matters.

 

OP doesn't have health risks but weight and nutrition, when unhealthy, ARE detrimental in the sense of health. I talk a lot about how I was obese over a decade ago ... was dx with diabetes and osteoarthritis (very unusual for a young person) and had other issues such as periodic double vision and foot pain. I didn't LOOK that bad but I was not taking care of myself. (By the way, I have been diabetes and of course diabetes medication free for seven years through nutrition.)

 

So while I hate body shaming for not being skinny, I am concerned with people who go the other way saying they are proud to be obese. I worry about the health implications for them, especially as they age. No need to be skinny though. Just active and not held down from activity by weight.

[mustlovedogs]

Ms. Darcy - yes I agree. I actually had this conversation with one of my male friends recently. He's one of those stereotypically attractive guys - abs and all that. He doesn't believe me that I work out so much so he asked me my resting heart rate. I have a fit bit and it says it's around 63-65. That is the cusp between good and excellent. He didn't believe me when I told him that, either, because how could someone who isn't thin have good cardiovascular health?!

 

Well, apparently I do.

 

So that made me feel better.

[Hermes]

I agree, MsDarcy. Being bony and like a stick is one thing, but slim, fit and compact is quite another.

We owe it to ourselves to look after our health.

 

Still and all, "fat-ism" is endemic.

 

"People – probably employers – expect you to hide. If a woman is overweight, employers are less likely to select her to fill a higher-wage job that involves interacting with the public. Overweight women are more likely to make less money than people of ‘normal’ weight and, tellingly, plump women earn even less than men who are overweight or obese. The data is from new study by Jennifer Shinall, assistant professor of law at Vanderbilt Law School."

 

 

[Moontiger]

I'm on the smaller side in my group of friends (size 4). Many of them are sizes 10 - 14, most are in long term relationships/married.

 

Be confident. Take care of your health, and be happy.

[Hermes]

Good summing up Tiger.

 

"Be confident. Take care of your health, and be happy"

 

Exercise helps...a lot.

[j.man]

What j.man said about "like attracting like" made me laugh, because I met and dated many men with 6 packs that were into the gym and the outdoors....and I'm not into sports or working out (although I'm trying. Use it or lose it, as they say)

Lemme clarify. When I say "like attracts like," I don't mean partners being physically equivalent to one other, but more that they match up on a scale of perceived attractiveness.

 

At the risk of coming off as a shallow ***hole, I'll provide an example. You could have an obese woman who's considered a 3 or 4 and you could have a skinny dude who looks like he couldn't lift a microwave off the floor who's likewise a 3 or 4. That happens to be a couple you do see pretty regularly.

 

Conversely, while 9 out of 10 women might say they'd love a 6-pack on their man, not a whole lot of men are going to describe their physically ideal woman with a well-defined 6-pack.

 

At the end of the day, there is of course a level of subjectivity and no one can ever claim that body shape will be the end-all / be-all as far as the extent to which your dating pool goes. A ton of other variables, aesthetic and otherwise, come into play.

 

However, a healthy weight is almost universally considered to be an attractive physical trait, at least in the Western world. What I simply mean to infer is if the OP or anyone else knows they've got a taste for others who'd be considered higher up on the scale, getting in shape is among the safest bets when it comes to increasing your odds of physically attracting them. I'm by no means saying it can't happen otherwise.

[gigiselle]

I am 5 3, have been a size 2 (barely sustainable as a college kid) to a size 10, about a 30 pound range on me. As I was gaining weight, I began to run into things like cholesterol warnings, more colds and respiratory infections, problems with spinal alignment, and more of a challenge to be athletic and to be coordinated.

 

It's the last bit that bothered me, and as the weight began to leave me, most other challenges left as well. When I first began to exercise, my work colleagues perceived me as having more energy and a more can-do attitude. This might be true, I don't know. (Now, I know it's true. Later in this journey I found a coach who helped my mental game. 5 years after starting to figure out how to manage my health, I still had a talkative and quite self defeating inner voice. That is less true now.)

 

I was displeased to discover that the quality of dating prospect (male) improved dramatically with a difference of about 15 pounds. That's a little frightening, but it did happen. On the flip side, this likely means I have attracted a lower quality of man despite appearances to the contrary.

 

The honest truth is that initial attraction is often shallow. We don't know the person fully to even know if we truly like them. It doesn't mean that those you attract or those you are attracted to are shallow. But--physical attraction matters never the less. But even in non-romantic relationships we can be attracted to what I call "varnish". It takes a while to get to know someone.

[superfan]

Being overweight does not automatically mean you are unhealthy. Similarly being thin doesn't automatically mean you are healthy. SO many other factors come into play when it comes to size including genetics and how active you are. I have a friend who runs marathons, does tough mudder, goes to the gym and eats ONLY healthy food. She is probably about 40lbs "overweight" but she is incredibly healthy - moreso than another friend of mine who is super thin but eats nothing but junk and is always sick.

 

To say being overweight is bad because it's a "health issue" is just trying to mask the fact that you don't like a woman to be overweight.

 

The ONLY time weight becomes a factor in overall health is if a person is considered morbidly obese - but the same would hold true for someone who was severely underweight and yet society doesn't have nearly the same aversion to people who are underweight.

 

I was a "normal" weight for about 10 years before I got pregnant. I haven't been able to lose the baby weight since having my daughter. I am 5'3" and about 160lbs. I don't look it though and I am very healthy. According to doctors and society I am considered "obese".

 

But I can tell you if I wasn't married I would have NO trouble getting a man.

 

Confidence, loving your body and knowing you are worthy. The rest is window dressing.

[Hermes]

/

 

It isn't me who is saying it.

 

And the thread is about "plus sized" not about anorexia, which is indeed a severe health problem.

 

I am 5' 5" and weigh in at 125 lbs. My weight has been known to oscillate at times 2 lbs either way. However, I don't think I would feel very well if I was given a large 28 lbs sack of flour and told to carry that on my back for a day and see how I felt.

 

As I say, my only concern would be health. I have a couple of acquaintances and one or two friends who are very overweight, and from what they tell me they are not happy with the situation. They are trying to lose weight, and constantly trying to diet and so on.

[superfan]

/

 

It isn't me who is saying it.

 

And the thread is about "plus sized" not about anorexia, which is indeed a severe health problem.

 

I am 5' 5" and weigh in at 125 lbs. My weight has been known to oscillate at times 2 lbs either way. However, I don't think I would feel very well if I was given a large 28 lbs sack of flour and told to carry that on my back for a day and see how I felt.

 

As I say, my only concern would be health. I have a couple of acquaintances and one or two friends who are very overweight, and from what they tell me they are not happy with the situation. They are trying to lose weight, and constantly trying to diet and so on.

 

Yeah and yet there's this:

/

 

People are going to find all kinds of evidence to prove their confirmation bias. Studies have shown though (as it says in that article) that "overweight and obese people were found to be at no greater risk of developing or dying from heart disease or cancer, compared with normal weight people, as long as they were metabolically fit despite their excess weight."

 

Being overweight says NOTHING about how healthy you are.

 

I am overweight. I am healthy.

[Hermes]

No point in arguing with you.

 

I am my weight, and I am healthy. Glad you are healthy too.

[j.man]

The ONLY time weight becomes a factor in overall health is if a person is considered morbidly obese

This is absolutely untrue. Health risks increase starting at just being overweight and most certainly increase substantially once someone has reached the point of obesity without being morbidly so. Bear in mind that "risk" doesn't mean "guarantee" and no one could responsibly make such a claim, just as no one can responsibly claim the risks don't exist.

 

I'm all for loving your body and acknowledging your worth. If someone's happy being overweight or obese, by all means, I'm 100% happy for them to do their thing.

 

A few among dozens, if not hundreds of peer-reviewed publications that demonstrate the substantially elevated health risks associated with carrying excess body fat:

 

/

 

 

 

Again, live how you like. I admit that I drink a bit more than I should myself. I also hover between 8% and 12% body fat depending on the time of year, lift weights, play pickup soccer, rugby, and basketball whenever I can, and generally enjoy fitness. Despite my overall health being great, that does not mean that me drinking a bit more than the average person isn't an unhealthy behavior, but it's one I enjoy and accept the risks of. There's nothing more or less intrinsically wrong with that than there is someone who enjoys eating more than they expend. It's simply a lifestyle choice.

[sophie274]

/

 

It isn't me who is saying it.

 

And the thread is about "plus sized" not about anorexia, which is indeed a severe health problem.

 

I am 5' 5" and weigh in at 125 lbs. My weight has been known to oscillate at times 2 lbs either way. However, I don't think I would feel very well if I was given a large 28 lbs sack of flour and told to carry that on my back for a day and see how I felt.

 

As I say, my only concern would be health. I have a couple of acquaintances and one or two friends who are very overweight, and from what they tell me they are not happy with the situation. They are trying to lose weight, and constantly trying to diet and so on.

 

I am the same height and weight. About four years ago, I started gaining weight - I think due to a medication I was on - and eventually ended up at a bit over 160 lbs, which at 5'5" is overweight. I did not feel comfortable in my skin, felt unattractive, and felt I had to wear baggy clothes to hide the extra weight. However, I can't say that I felt any less healthy or felt an impact on my ability to enjoy activities I like - in fact, I was running more than at almost my highest weight(half-marathon distance) and was able to hike, scuba dive, sea kayak and go to yoga class (my main "active" hobbies at the time). I didn't feel like I was carrying a heavy backpack. I felt like myself, but chubby.

 

Once I stopped taking medication, I quickly lost over 20 pounds, and then the rest of the weight more slowly. I feel much better about my body at my current weight, and feel attractive. I DO think I got less attention from men when I was heavier, and I've heard similar things from my friends. Part of that may be that in my community (friends, acquaintances, coworkers), almost everyone is thin, and when I was overweight I felt like I really stuck out.

[Ms Darcy]

Being overweight does not automatically mean you are unhealthy. Similarly being thin doesn't automatically mean you are healthy. SO many other factors come into play when it comes to size including genetics and how active you are. I have a friend who runs marathons, does tough mudder, goes to the gym and eats ONLY healthy food. She is probably about 40lbs "overweight" but she is incredibly healthy - moreso than another friend of mine who is super thin but eats nothing but junk and is always sick.

 

To say being overweight is bad because it's a "health issue" is just trying to mask the fact that you don't like a woman to be overweight.

 

The ONLY time weight becomes a factor in overall health is if a person is considered morbidly obese - but the same would hold true for someone who was severely underweight and yet society doesn't have nearly the same aversion to people who are underweight.

 

I was a "normal" weight for about 10 years before I got pregnant. I haven't been able to lose the baby weight since having my daughter. I am 5'3" and about 160lbs. I don't look it though and I am very healthy. According to doctors and society I am considered "obese".

 

But I can tell you if I wasn't married I would have NO trouble getting a man.

 

Confidence, loving your body and knowing you are worthy. The rest is window dressing.

 

Hi TVnerd. I completely agree with you and agree with Jman. I have mad respect for your perspective and it is a very very valid point. For me, this circles back a little bit to gigiselle's post (the following is a paraphrase) about how it's not only about size it's about health so one has to consider other factors such as waist-hip-ratio. My doctor for example talks about considering weight, height, age, bmi, blood work results (cholesterol levels etc etc), activity levels, and a few other factors.

 

I think Gina Carano (former MMA fighter) is incredibly attractive. [For folks who don't know her you can see a couple of pictures if you scroll down on her wiki page ... She was considered technically "obese" but OBVIOUSLY she wasn't ... she's very strong and muscular and muscle weighs more than fat as we all know.

 

There are definitely fair distinctions around that. I do think that a good way of thinking through the issue is to say that weight - especially where you carry it such as on your stomach versus on your hips - in addition to activity level and nutrition are red flags for health issues.

 

As Jman says, there is definitely a lot of support out there around the negative impact of weight on health, BUT you are right in that this isn't the entire story in every person.

 

I LOVE strong/curvy women. I find women like Gina (strong) and Kate Upton (curvy) and Misty Copeland (strong and curvy) uber attractive. (I love Misty Copeland's story because she's a ballet dancer who got a lot of flack for a long time for not being the stereotypical thin thin ballet dancer. She's got wonderfully muscular, strong legs.) So, I don't want to give the impression that I think thin is it. There are some thin women who are stunners too of course, but all of the women I think are attractive work what they have no matter their size.

 

Another thing I would like to note on a personal level. So, for ME when I started my (long) weight loss journey, I used a diet journal. Although I thought I was being very healthy in what I was eating, when I shared the journal with my nutritionist she drilled HOLES in almost everything I was eating. So, it really made me rethink "healthy." I know a lot of people who consider certain processed foods or sweeteners like Splenda healthy but nutritionist said nope.

[Hermes]

Actually ballet dancers are not thin thin. They are incredibly muscular, and fit, otherwise they would never ever be able to deal with such rigorous and strenuous work.

The do have strong muscular legs. They do not have FAT legs. That is the difference.

 

Thin and stringy. Not good. Slim and compact, good.

 

Those sumos are BIG guys, but they are fit. But that's another area.

 

Healthy food, Yes. A big yes. And exercise. But if you are carrying 40, 50 or 60 extra pounds exercise cannot be easy.....

 

I get a little tired at times of people I know (overweight) who say "you are so lucky how do you stay so slim". A daft question.

I just don't give advice to them. I merely say (and thus stay out of trouble lol). "Oh well, you know me, always rushing around".....or words to that effect.

[Ms Darcy]

Actually ballet dancers are not thin thin. They are incredibly muscular, and fit, otherwise they would never ever be able to deal with such rigorous and strenuous work.

 

I agree. I think the criticism she got were from people who aren't really "in the know" and have misconceptions about ballet dancers and what they do/should look like.

[Hermes]

An example: I have an old friend. Her daughter, married, probably 38 or so, is very overweight, but very. She says she eats hardly anything.

I was at their house one evening for dinner.

We got plenty to eat. I have a good appetite, and I had more than enough with one generous serving. Her father even had enough with one serving. I noticed that she went right back over to the cooker/counter and got more of everything.

Now we move on to dessert, which was a rather nice sponge cake. We all had a slice. She went back to the counter and cut herself another huge slice. This is the woman who says she never eats anything!

And she is so touch that no one not even her mother can even mention the topic of weight. She went to see an endocrinologist, probably hoping he'd find something as an excuse. Wrong. Nothing wrong metabolically. Her knees are giving huge trouble because of her weight. Other problems.

 

Newflash the other day. She cannot conceive because she is so overweight.

 

Leaving image and appearance out of it altogether, please tell me, what is wrong with this picture.

 

I lose patience......