Going in Circles

[Doc Blaze]

lol dougie you would be fun to hang out with buttttt i can see how this could push some females away lol..its way too much IMO..but thats just me.

[Dougie_D]

lol dougie you would be fun to hang out with buttttt i can see how this could push some females away lol..its way too much IMO..but thats just me.

 

I really believed if I was better looking, I'd have no problem with the ladies. There's a lot good looking guys who are just as goofy as me but they get the benefit of the doubt because they are more attractive.

 

And sometimes I wish I was more into acting. MANY people have said I would be a good actor. I think it's because I am a "character". My heart is more into music than acting.

[Blue Spiral]

Also, it's not that I don't want to "grow up".. I think I just don't know how to. For instance, I don't know what things I need to change to make it look like I'm all grown up. Remember, I'm only goofy once you really get to know me. I have a car, I have an apt, I have a job, etc.. Don't know what other things to show that I'm a grown up?

 

When women tell men that we need to grow up, their definition of "grow up" is usually "do what women want us to do". That's why, when a man does what his wife tells him, he's described as being "mature" and "responsible", while a man doing what he wants to do is "having a midlife crisis". So, to them, a man being dragged around the mall by a woman is a good thing, while a man doing what he enjoys is a bad thing. Think of it as Bizarro World.

 

I don't think you need to grow up, Dougie. I think that you need to work on your social intelligence. I have a friend that's like you, in some ways...he has many good qualities, but he frequently misreads the tone of the situation he's in. It's like the social equivalent of singing off-key. If he thinks something is funny, he'll do it over and over, even when it's clear that no one else is amused. If he decides that he needs to talk about something, he'll harp on it forever, even if it's wildly inappropriate given the circumstances. Just try to be more self-aware. If you can learn to differentiate between "this is wacky and they like it" and "this is wacky but they seem really annoyed with me for some reason", you'll be ahead of the game.

[LoveSoDeep]

When women tell men that we need to grow up, their definition of "grow up" is usually "do what women want us to do". That's why, when a man does what his wife tells him, he's described as being "mature" and "responsible", while a man doing what he wants to do is "having a midlife crisis". So, to them, a man being dragged around the mall by a woman is a good thing, while a man doing what he enjoys is a bad thing. Think of it as Bizarro World.

 

I don't think you need to grow up, Dougie. I think that you need to work on your social intelligence. I have a friend that's like you, in some ways...he has many good qualities, but he frequently misreads the tone of the situation he's in. It's like the social equivalent of singing off-key. If he thinks something is funny, he'll do it over and over, even when it's clear that no one else is amused. If he decides that he needs to talk about something, he'll harp on it forever, even if it's wildly inappropriate given the circumstances. Just try to be more self-aware. If you can learn to differentiate between "this is wacky and they like it" and "this is wacky but they seem really annoyed with me for some reason", you'll be ahead of the game.

 

Ummm no. Sorry. Not every woman thinks that having a man do everything his wife tells him to do is a good thing. That ridiculous! I don't ever want to have to drag a man somewhere or make him do what I want and never what he wants. I want a man to be his own person.....I just would prefer that the majority of the time that person is a grown up. There's a time for being grown up and there's time for being a goofy....when you're afraid a man doesn't know the difference it's a red flag.

 

Some men are just quirky and goofy sometimes and some women think it's fine or even adorable. I have many adult relatives who are goofy at time and their wives still love them....yes they roll their eyes at them when they are goofy at an embarrassing time but he is who he is.....but he is also someone they can trust to be a reliable adult partner in life and in parenting. If a woman can't trust a man for those 2 things she'l been gone in a heartbeat.

 

The second part about social/emotional intelligence...I agree with that. It's not about being someone you're not, it's about know how to show all the sides of who you are and when it's important to do so.

[Dougie_D]

When women tell men that we need to grow up, their definition of "grow up" is usually "do what women want us to do". That's why, when a man does what his wife tells him, he's described as being "mature" and "responsible", while a man doing what he wants to do is "having a midlife crisis". So, to them, a man being dragged around the mall by a woman is a good thing, while a man doing what he enjoys is a bad thing. Think of it as Bizarro World.

 

I don't think you need to grow up, Dougie. I think that you need to work on your social intelligence. I have a friend that's like you, in some ways...he has many good qualities, but he frequently misreads the tone of the situation he's in. It's like the social equivalent of singing off-key. If he thinks something is funny, he'll do it over and over, even when it's clear that no one else is amused. If he decides that he needs to talk about something, he'll harp on it forever, even if it's wildly inappropriate given the circumstances. Just try to be more self-aware. If you can learn to differentiate between "this is wacky and they like it" and "this is wacky but they seem really annoyed with me for some reason", you'll be ahead of the game.

 

I have a lot of friends (mostly guy) who think I'm funny and even encourage me (who do you think takes my pictures? Haha!) . Yes, I agree that I can somewhat annoy people but I never act like that in a 1-1 setting with stranger.

 

When I'm more self aware or I tone down my wild self , it seems like they get upset. Lots will say "you're not acting like yourself, what's wrong?"

 

I think people enjoy my company because it allows them to be goofy as well without initiating it first.. If that makes sense. After awhile, my friends will tend to mimic me too.

 

Guys think it's funny but women think it's weird. I can't win! Haha!

[Dougie_D]

Ummm no. Sorry. Not every woman thinks that having a man do everything his wife tells him to do is a good thing. That ridiculous! I don't ever want to have to drag a man somewhere or make him do what I want and never what he wants. I want a man to be his own person.....I just would prefer that the majority of the time that person is a grown up. There's a time for being grown up and there's time for being a goofy....when you're afraid a man doesn't know the difference it's a red flag.

 

Some men are just quirky and goofy sometimes and some women think it's fine or even adorable. I have many adult relatives who are goofy at time and their wives still love them....yes they roll their eyes at them when they are goofy at an embarrassing time but he is who he is.....but he is also someone they can trust to be a reliable adult partner in life and in parenting. If a woman can't trust a man for those 2 things she'l been gone in a heartbeat.

 

The second part about social/emotional intelligence...I agree with that. It's not about being someone you're not, it's about know how to show all the sides of who you are and when it's important to do so.

 

I think women don't give me the chance to see my social/emotional intelligence. Looking back, I think I presented my goofy side way too much at the beginning. I've done a lot better showing less of my goofy side.. It's helped me with ladies, but I feel like it's too late because of my age. That's why I'm confused. I show my goofy side later in a relationship than early on.

[Batya33]

Do you choose to act goofy so you can get attention/laughed at or because you genuinely feel that in that situation the people who are around you would enjoy spending time with you and interacting with you when you make those choices? Do you really want people to mimic you and do you like it when people mimic you when you are acting that way?

 

How would you feel about the suggestion - make it your goal in a social situation to have the other person feel comfortable in his/her own skin when they are around you?

[Dougie_D]

Do you choose to act goofy so you can get attention/laughed at or because you genuinely feel that in that situation the people who are around you would enjoy spending time with you and interacting with you when you make those choices? Do you really want people to mimic you and do you like it when people mimic you when you are acting that way?

 

How would you feel about the suggestion - make it your goal in a social situation to have the other person feel comfortable in his/her own skin when they are around you?

 

I would say both to that first question. I act goofy by myself too. To be honest, if it's a big crowd I'm less goofy. I enjoy the laugher that I make out of my friends. I think I'd be less goofy if my friends told me to stop it though. It's just a random feeling that makes me want to "have fun and let loose"

 

What do you mean mimic? I don't care if people make fun of me. That's part of life. I let people slide sometimes.Now if they physically abuse me, that's different.

 

I don't understand your last question at all. Are you saying I make people uncomfortable?

[Batya33]

I'm asking if you care whether the people around you are comfortable with how you choose to behave - not referring to your feelings at all -how you react to your feelings is the only relevant point IMO. If you care, and if you're seeing that women who watch you behave in that goofy way are turned off -and IF those are the types of individuals you would like to get to know better, you might consider changing your behavior-that is, how you react to those random feelings.

 

Of course people will at times make fun of you - a steady diet of that doesn't sound like a good lifestyle though.

[Fudgie]

To build off of what Batya is saying, I don't think being goofy is an issue within itself. It's about time/place as well. There's a time and place for everything. If you're goofy most or all of the time, it's probably going to be off-putting to many people, not just females but males too. I enjoy being goofy on occasion and I also like inappropriate jokes but I know when it's not a good time to let that side of me shine. It also depends on sitting (where you are) and the people that you're with. Sometimes it's just not appropriate and it can inhibit social interactions.

 

If you're going into this with a "hahaha, I don't care what anyone thinks! People can laugh at me!" attitude but are frustrated with your lack of success, then perhaps it's time to evaluate your behavior and see if maybe you're doing something offputting.

[Dougie_D]

I'm asking if you care whether the people around you are comfortable with how you choose to behave - not referring to your feelings at all -how you react to your feelings is the only relevant point IMO. If you care, and if you're seeing that women who watch you behave in that goofy way are turned off -and IF those are the types of individuals you would like to get to know better, you might consider changing your behavior-that is, how you react to those random feelings.

 

Of course people will at times make fun of you - a steady diet of that doesn't sound like a good lifestyle though.

 

My goofy side has definitly calmed down since my college days. So, I've changed my behavior drastically to be honest.

 

I keep bringing it up, because I'm regretting that was too goofy. Like I wish I could do college all over again.

 

I feel like my time has ran out on finding a potential partner. I've "cleaned up" my act, and it feels like it's much harder to be around women. Part of it is my age bracket and it sucks and it keeps me depressed. Having a full time job sucks. I have no social life because of it. Everyday I want to quit or have them fire me. It's just annoying. Makes me cranky. I'm constantly going in work later and leaving early just because I don't care.

 

That's the feeling I get with women. I've recently was talking to a chick on OKC and she keeps "let's do a rain check". I get it... She's not interested for a date. It's just annoying. All of it.

 

So I lose weight? You think that will drastically change my chances? No way. I saw a woman who swipe "no" to men who looked like model types. And all these chicks are on Bumble now.. Where they have to message the guy first. Talk about being left to dry...

 

I'm over it

[abitbroken]

 

I feel like my time has ran out on finding a potential partner. I've "cleaned up" my act, and it feels like it's much harder to be around women. Part of it is my age bracket and it sucks and it keeps me depressed. Having a full time job sucks. I have no social life because of it. Everyday I want to quit or have them fire me. It's just annoying. Makes me cranky. I'm constantly going in work later and leaving early just because I don't care.

 

That's the feeling I get with women. I've recently was talking to a chick on OKC and she keeps "let's do a rain check". I get it... She's not interested for a date. It's just annoying. All of it.

 

So I lose weight? You think that will drastically change my chances? No way. I saw a woman who swipe "no" to men who looked like model types. And all these chicks are on Bumble now.. Where they have to message the guy first. Talk about being left to dry...

 

I'm over it

 

So I don't know why i am bothering to answer, but here it goes...

 

You are not in a bad age bracket unless you are chasing after 20 year old women in bars.

 

you only have a full time job so that you qualify to meet more women? You should have the job because you want to get ahead in life. There are many women who are flexible about the job a man has, as long as he does his best at it - shows up, puts in a good day and takes pride, and can put food on the table for himself before he meets her. Seriously. If you purposefully try to get fired - its going to be harder to get another job rather than being downsized, etc.

 

You have made some progress - you have a real bed! You have a full time job! You are not being supported by mom and dad! You have gone on second dates! So now, just keep at your job and hobbies. Don't worry about being marketable, because the more comfortable you are with itself - it shows. You can choose to throw in the towel - or you can choose to see that you have taken a few baby steps. Now its time to pursue counseling, to listen to the advice people have given to you over the years and take it well to heart. But if the towel is easier, well i can't help you. I am tapping out

[Dougie_D]

So I don't know why i am bothering to answer, but here it goes...

 

You are not in a bad age bracket unless you are chasing after 20 year old women in bars.

 

you only have a full time job so that you qualify to meet more women? You should have the job because you want to get ahead in life. There are many women who are flexible about the job a man has, as long as he does his best at it - shows up, puts in a good day and takes pride, and can put food on the table for himself before he meets her. Seriously. If you purposefully try to get fired - its going to be harder to get another job rather than being downsized, etc.

 

You have made some progress - you have a real bed! You have a full time job! You are not being supported by mom and dad! You have gone on second dates! So now, just keep at your job and hobbies. Don't worry about being marketable, because the more comfortable you are with itself - it shows. You can choose to throw in the towel - or you can choose to see that you have taken a few baby steps. Now its time to pursue counseling, to listen to the advice people have given to you over the years and take it well to heart. But if the towel is easier, well i can't help you. I am tapping out

 

I think you aren't being honest with the what a woman's "expectations" of a 35 year old man is. That's why I say I'm in a bad bracket. People assume how experienced they are based on age. For instance, you meet a doctor. They are about 60 or so, you wouldn't think to yourself,they've only been a doctor 10 years. You would assume 10 years if they were 40. I get screwed based on that assumption.

 

Being more comfortable in my shoes, means not working or having a job. I have a job, not a career. I want a career and I realize more and more how hard that is to achieve it. I'm already out of my comfort zone and it bothers me.

 

I'm getting second dates because I'm going after women just go out on dates with them. In college, I went after better looking women or ones who I actually wanted to be with. Basically I'm not as picky as I used to be. Remember, I completely dissed a girl in Highschool because I thought her name was stupid.

 

I'm more comfortable being the goofy slob than the serious job man. You can't tell me to be comfortable with myself. That backfires on me.

[LoveSoDeep]

Dougie, I feel like I keep reading "There's all these things wrong with me why would any woman want me? But darn it why can't I get a date?" Do you see how those contradict each other? You feel like you don't deserve to have attention from the women you desire but at the same time you're upset that you're not getting it.

 

So you don't have a dream career or a bunch of experience in dating/relationships? So what? There are women out there who won't care about all that. However, even those women will want you to have self esteem. There's no substitute for self esteem.

[Dougie_D]

Dougie, I feel like I keep reading "There's all these things wrong with me why would any woman want me? But darn it why can't I get a date?" Do you see how those contradict each other? You feel like you don't deserve to have attention from the women you desire but at the same time you're upset that you're not getting it.

 

So you don't have a dream career or a bunch of experience in dating/relationships? So what? There are women out there who won't care about all that. However, even those women will want you to have self esteem. There's no substitute for self esteem.

 

Just curious.. What makes you think I don't have self esteem?

[Blue Spiral]

Everyday I want to quit or have them fire me.

 

Oh, man, can I ever relate.

[LoveSoDeep]

Just curious.. What makes you think I don't have self esteem?

 

Because you seem to keep saying that no woman will like you the way you are. Self esteem isn't about being awesome...it's about being you and feeling awesome...like it doesn't matter if you're a little unusual there's an awesome woman out there for you and you know it. You have this root belief that you somehow aren't good enough. I know you think logically this is true because if you were good enough you'd have what you desire....but that's not how relationships work. They are weird and often illogical.

[Dougie_D]

Because you seem to keep saying that no woman will like you the way you are. Self esteem isn't about being awesome...it's about being you and feeling awesome...like it doesn't matter if you're a little unusual there's an awesome woman out there for you and you know it. You have this root belief that you somehow aren't good enough. I know you think logically this is true because if you were good enough you'd have what you desire....but that's not how relationships work. They are weird and often illogical.

 

I'm naturally a perverted and goofy guy. I literally can turn any topic into something sexual. That's my comfort zone to the tee. It's hard to find women that will accept that.

[Dougie_D]

Basically I feel like I have to change my personality, my looks, etc.. To gain attraction to women. If I have no desire to be with a woman, none of these threads would come up

 

How many people on ENA have told me I need to change things up. People bring me down and tell me I'm not up to par.. I don't bring enough to the table.

 

Should I just ignore them? Is that what having high self esteem is all about?

[Batya33]

I'm naturally a perverted and goofy guy. I literally can turn any topic into something sexual. That's my comfort zone to the tee. It's hard to find women that will accept that.

 

Your choice to give in to your impulses and behave this way is a choice - we all have natural impulses and we all makes choices as to how to react to them. In order to be able to have a career, get married, relocate for the first time in my life, and have a child (and get a driver's license at almost 50!) I had to go wayyyy out of my comfort zone and choose not to act on certain impulses/temptations. And that's pretty typical of most people who have goals/dreams. Are you willing to go out of your comfort zone to get what you want?

[agent1607307371]

Dougie, if you turn any conversation into something sexual, but flinch when someone tries to kiss you, you really need to work on not putting out mixed messages.

[Dougie_D]

Your choice to give in to your impulses and behave this way is a choice - we all have natural impulses and we all makes choices as to how to react to them. In order to be able to have a career, get married, relocate for the first time in my life, and have a child (and get a driver's license at almost 50!) I had to go wayyyy out of my comfort zone and choose not to act on certain impulses/temptations. And that's pretty typical of most people who have goals/dreams. Are you willing to go out of your comfort zone to get what you want?

 

Yes, but isn't that creating a false impression of my self esteem?

 

I'm just trying to make a point that people's self esteem has nothing to do about how you gain attraction to people.

[Dougie_D]

Dougie, if you turn any conversation into something sexual, but flinch when someone tries to kiss you, you really need to work on not putting out mixed messages.

 

No, maybe sexual is the wrong term. If someone is talking about airplanes I could suggest "yeah, the speed it goes into the air is about the speed of my semen baby!" Shoots faster than a rocket 😜

[Dougie_D]

I think dirty constantly. Now, I don't just do it uncontrollably. I make anything dirty if I want to change the conversation. Like its the only topic I honestly want to talk about. It's like I get off on it

[Dougie_D]

It's probably a sickness I have, but damn, that's what 35 years of no "real sex" would do to someone! Haha!