Going in Circles

[Dougie_D]

People say that people seem to date the same people as them.. But this is the main problem. What if you aren't attractive to the "type you should be dating"?

Most people figure out "who they can date" based on how people approach you or who you have dated. For example, you subconsciously rate women/men and you have a "cutoff" which is doable for you... Let's say 5. Below 5 is not datesble but 5 and above is dateable in your head.

Because I've been rejected by girls over 5 , and actually "dated" ones I'm actually unattractive too, where does that lead me?

Based on the the theorey, I'm a 3/4 and should be dating 3/4. But I'm not attracted to the 3/4. I'm attracted to anyone 5 and up. People who say "maybe you should look into your league" are dumb. I'm not attracted to my fellow "league" mates.

[Dougie_D]

I went to the bar and saw some guy and girl "hook up" . Later they went to same late night food place nearby. There was a group. 3 dudes and 2 girls and they obviously just met based on the girls asking "so you just moved, etc...". The "couple" went separate ways. The girl left by herself and the 2 dudes split.

Anyways it got me thinking. These situations happen because the woman is really horny and willing. A normal night would be just a phone number and a date later. Am I right? The women make the choice to go with him or not. What makes a woman choose to do a one night stand? ( and for reference, it means going home with him regardless of sex or not)

Are some women this horny? Does it really mean if you are a man and you encounter this, you are extremely good looking?

[Batya33]

I wouldn't make assumptions like that -there are infinite reasons and here are some:

 

The woman is in the mood to have sex with that person and he feels the same (doesn't need to be over the top interested -maybe just in the mood);

The woman is having sex because it's a way to get the guy to hang out with her and she is lonely (not because she is a woman, just because she is human and feeling lonely)

The woman chose to drink too much and is choosing the consequences of poor decisions

The woman is interested in getting pregnant (if you're going to speculate, that could be a reason, who knows)

The couple talked about looking for a long term relationship and mutually feel that they need to have sex first since one or both of them have particular desires or fetishes when it comes to having sex so why waste time if they're not compatible

The woman is bored and is using sex to combat boredom.

 

Why speculate?

[reinventmyself]

Same thing, different day , Dougie.

I'm sorry you're still struggling with this but I'm at a loss of what to tell you that hasn't already been said.

I hope you find your answers.

[browneyedgirl36]

I don't really know what to say, either. I don't like the "numbering" system when it comes to people's attractiveness, but for the sake of the topic, I'll just say this: I have met couples that were extremely "unbalanced" when it comes to attractiveness -- i.e. very attractive guy with very plain woman, or very attractive woman with a guy who seems WAY below her in terms of looks. This could be because some people care a lot more about personality and other attributes (ambition, money, sense of humor, intelligence, etc.) than looks, or that what is attractive to them is just different than what many would deem conventionally " attractive," etc. For the most part, though, MOST people, I think, date people who approximate them in attractiveness. If you are, say, a "3" and you're attracted to only "6's" and above, you're either going to have to find someone for whom looks are not an issue at all and/or you're going to need to have some other traits that stand out and make you attractive in something other than the physical sense. For me, a sense of humor -- an appropriate one though, one that's quick, witty, smart, but also lighthearted -- is near top of my list for a prospective partner (after kindness/gentleness), with intellect following a VERY close second (if not being right on par with humor). Looks are more like 4th or 5th on the list for me, and these other traits, believe it or not, can actually make someone seem better looking, at least to me.

 

Looks DO matter, at least in some way, to most people, and that's normal and human (albeit a bit shallow), but many of us also value a lot of other things, and it's important to cultivate other parts of yourself -- your attitude, your sense of humor, your interests, your kindness and generosity, your intelligence -- whatever it is you have -- so that looks aren't the determining factor in whether people want to get to know you/date you. Plus, well, we ALL get old, and EVERYONE's looks fade, so even the best looking people out there can't count on their looks to help them find and keep relationships.

 

I'm not sure what to tell you, Doug. None of us has met you in person. If we had, we MIGHT be able to give you better advice because we only know what you tell us here -- that you don't have any luck with women. It would be difficult to say why without really meeting you and watching you in action in your daily life. Maybe focusing on othr things -- being really good at something, cultivating some new interests, trying things you haven't tried before -- will help not only to instill more confidence, but also make you more interesting to others. And, it might help you meet people who might lead you to someone special.

[Blue Spiral]

Are some women this horny?

 

Most definitely. But, in my (male) opinion, when it comes to the majority of women, that horniness is usually a temporary thing, either a phase or a one-time fluke.

 

Does it really mean if you are a man and you encounter this, you are extremely good looking?

 

Attraction needs to be there, and looks are certainly a part of that, but not the whole thing.

 

Why speculate?

 

Because he wants to know how it works, so he can do it himself. That's how my gender rolls. We want, we examine, we understand, and we take action.

[agent1607307371]

Yes Dougie, incredibly some women do get horny enough to want to have sex.

 

You don't know what a normal night for her is. She might only see men in clubs as potential sex partners, and never think she might want to date one.

 

Good looking is a subjective thing. But generally if you go home with someone you think they are good looking enough.

[agent1607307371]

Also Dougie, is One Night Stands the name you want your journal to have?

[Batya33]

Most definitely. But, in my (male) opinion, when it comes to the majority of women, that horniness is usually a temporary thing, either a phase or a one-time fluke.

 

 

 

Attraction needs to be there, and looks are certainly a part of that, but not the whole thing.

 

 

 

Because he wants to know how it works, so he can do it himself. That's how my gender rolls. We want, we examine, we understand, and we take action.

 

Yes, and in my opinion there is no "how it works" unless the person, male or female, is looking to hire a prostitute -then it works like any other business transaction. I think all people want/examine/understand and take action in situations that warrant it and where the person makes those particular choices. Nothing to do with gender - just common sense that people who want X attempt to figure out what to do to get X and take those steps barring various internal or external obstacles. Whether they get X depends on a myriad of factors. Since people have one night stands for an infinite variety of reasons and get in that situation for an infinite variety of reasons, I don't think there is one particular way to have a one night stand outside of the business transaction context.

[thejigsup]

Women being horny is a 'one time fluke?'. Who knew? And all this time I thought it was because I was a sensual person, which most women are. There is an old saying from my mother's generation, "There are no frigid women, only clumsy men." Bingo.

[notalady]

If you aren't attracted to "3/4" women and wouldn't date them, why would you expect women 5 and above to want to date a "3/4" (according to your own scoring)?

 

These "3/4" women who sounds like gave you a chance, did you get to know them? Did you like their personality?

[thejigsup]

When I was younger, I was about an 8. I never dated men below a 6. Why? Not because of their looks. They always had this chip on their shoulder that was very unattractive. If they had related to me as a person instead of each of us as a number, I might have liked them. But they worked hard at "chopping me down to size" or putting me on a pedestal so high I got a nosebleed. Never, ever, was I treated as a real person with feelings, so I stopped dating those kind of men.

[Blue Spiral]

Women being horny is a 'one time fluke?'. Who knew?

 

I said "that horniness", referring to one night stands. It's extremely normal for women to be horny; I was referring to out-of-character sexual incidents.

 

From what I've seen, women generally want monogamy...but most go through phases where they aren't interested in it (college, post-divorce), and most have a few outlier experiences with non-relationship guys.

[stelladevania]

Dear dougie,

My only advice is this: if you think that you're a 3/4 in terms of attractiveness, don't think that other people think so as well. If you score people based on their looks (i believe your nunber one priority is looks. And it's deffinitely not a bad thing, everyone has their own types.) other people may score based on other traits such as kindness, loyalty, money, ect. So you deffinitely can date a 5 or above based on your score if your "target" scores you more than that. Try looking for soneone that attracts you and can also find your worth.

Best regard, Stella Devania

[Dougie_D]

Also Dougie, is One Night Stands the name you want your journal to have?

 

I don't think I was doing these journal things right. But if I had to choose a name I guess it would be called "Going in circles"

[Dougie_D]

I'm trying to figure out why I am so afraid of physical touching. When I sleep, I like to hump my pillows and grab them as if they are my "partner". But when I'm around women, I don't feel comfortable with the act of "making physical moves". The only explanation is maybe that I respect their territory and I am afraid that I might get rejected.

 

Thinking of rejection, I went for "tongue" with this girl and she backed off and laughed at me. Honestly, that was extremely heartbreaking to me. Let me tell you how this all happened...

 

- We matched on tinder

- I wasn't really attracted to her, but in general, I swipe yes about 90 percent of all the women that pop up. (numbers game)

- We texted for awhile and we finally set up a date for that weekend.

- Date #1 - met half way, I paid, and it went well. She initiated the next date.

- Date #2 - went out near her area, I paid, everything went well again. She initated next date by saying "I should return the favor and come to your place"

- Date #3 - she buys a bottle of wine...which was a curveball to me... we went out to dinner, came back and opened the bottle. We go to my room and she lays down on my bed while I'm just sitting on my chair nervous as hell. I'm still not attracted to her at this point, but I need any experience I can get. After awhile, I walk her to my car. That's when I went for the "pop" kiss. I got nervous, but she didn't move and I kissed her again. This time, she tries to put her tongue out and I freaked out. I pulled away and I explained that I wanted to take things slow.

- Date #4 - she invited me over to her place and cooked me dinner. When she opened the door I went for a "pop" kiss but she denied me...that was weird? But I just let it go. I had to wait around because dinner wasn't ready just yet. I was drinking fast, but I wanted to get loose. That night was the tongue night. I had to go for it! Dinner went well, but she was kinda trying to kick me out because of her work early in morning. When leaving, I went for the "pop" kiss and this time she accepted. Within seconds, I pulled her in closer and I went for the tongue! But she quickly rejected me.

- She stop texting for few days, but after awhile when I asked her what happened, she explain there seem to be no chemistry and she didn't want to force anything. I'm glad she told me, but now I think I may have made a mistake because I didn't kiss her early enough in the dating process...or maybe somehow she thought I was rejecting her on our 3rd date.

 

Even though I wasn't attracted to her, I had just wanted this for experience and possibly to have a "kissing buddy".. Honestly, now I think about it, I was starting to warm up to her.

 

Do women really put so much emphasis on kissing, touching, etc? Like after awhile, they just give up? I like to be in a relationship where I can go my own pace on things.

[Batya33]

Nothing to do with "women" or gender. You had a strong reaction to her making a pass at you, and you chose to get buzzed/drunk which is never a good idea when you are trying to get to know someone. Maybe you had bad breath from the alcohol. Also based on your first rejection she probably felt cautious about making another move and that kind of tension isn't great for building chemistry.

 

IMO a good rule of thumb -if you have no desire to kiss the person after 3-4 dates (whether or not you actually kiss) then you probably should move on.

[Dougie_D]

Nothing to do with "women" or gender. You had a strong reaction to her making a pass at you, and you chose to get buzzed/drunk which is never a good idea when you are trying to get to know someone. Maybe you had bad breath from the alcohol. Also based on your first rejection she probably felt cautious about making another move and that kind of tension isn't great for building chemistry.

 

IMO a good rule of thumb -if you have no desire to kiss the person after 3-4 dates (whether or not you actually kiss) then you probably should move on.

 

I did kiss on her on the 3rd date though and she said "finally!" I felt insulted when she said that though. So I'm guessing everyone has to kiss on the 2nd date? To be honest, I think I could date someone forever and still not have kissed. I haven't experienced tongue kissing, so maybe I'm missing out on how good it really feels?

[Batya33]

I did kiss on her on the 3rd date though and she said "finally!" I felt insulted when she said that though. So I'm guessing everyone has to kiss on the 2nd date? To be honest, I think I could date someone forever and still not have kissed. I haven't experienced tongue kissing, so maybe I'm missing out on how good it really feels?

 

I am confused as to why you are generalizing -this was this individual's reaction to you, another individual. No "all" and no "second date" (but see my caveat below ;-)

 

If you feel you could date someone "forever" and not kiss then I suggest you date very religious women who do not have sex or sometimes even touch before marriage - that I can generalize about -most adult women who are looking to date with potential for the long term probably would want to kiss as least after going out a handful of times - with rare exceptions.

 

I think tongue kissing is an intimate form of romantic kissing and while maybe the first few times it feels more like you have to learn the skill, to me it's about chemistry -when you click with someone and want to be close to them, the technique is less important - it is important to be in tune with your partner - just like with sex, some prefer rougher/harder, others not so much, etc.

[TMifune]

She stop texting for few days, but after awhile when I asked her what happened, she explain there seem to be no chemistry and she didn't want to force anything. I'm glad she told me, but now I think I may have made a mistake because I didn't kiss her early enough in the dating process...or maybe somehow she thought I was rejecting her on our 3rd date.

 

Even though I wasn't attracted to her, I had just wanted this for experience and possibly to have a "kissing buddy".. Honestly, now I think about it, I was starting to warm up to her.

 

Do women really put so much emphasis on kissing, touching, etc? Like after awhile, they just give up? I like to be in a relationship where I can go my own pace on things.

 

I think your mistake was going for the kiss with someone you're not attracted to. I'm not sure how to put this. I'm not looking to start a big argument, but many women are....I guess I'll say reciprocal? They feed off the attention and passion of men. You'll see it here if you keep your eyes open. Girls asking if some guy is interested in them and when someone (often me) asks "Well, are you interested in him" they are actually completely unable to answer the question until they know if he's interested in them first. Their interest is a reflection of his interest, its very basis is the level and degree of his interest.

 

I think kissing can be the same way. You can't really expect her to feel "chemistry" in the kissing if you're not really into it either because part of what she's expecting to feel as "chemistry" is your desire for her. No desire...no "chemistry".

 

That's not even to mention that using people for "experience" isn't really the most moral action I can think of.

[Moontiger]

If you aren't attracted to "3/4" women and wouldn't date them, why would you expect women 5 and above to want to date a "3/4" (according to your own scoring)?

 

These "3/4" women who sounds like gave you a chance, did you get to know them? Did you like their personality?

 

This is an excellent question, though I loath the whole numbering system. I've told this story more times then I can count on but I'll tell it again. Friend of mine gets dumped by a guy. I'm helping her through the break up and she says something to the effect of "He is just soooooo attractive." I was completely flabergasted. To me the guy was like a 4. To her he was probably a 9.

 

There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to attraction and dating because there a thousands upon thaousands of factors for each person that go into why they are attracted to someone one. A good looking, kind heart-man who would eb prime relationship material for most women might also have an extreme case of White Knight Syndrom and only go for unbalanced "crazy" women. A woman who on the outside looks attractive and confident might have had a terrible home life as a child and thus be terrified of committment or only pick men who treat her badly. No one knows what's happened in anyone elses life that effect when and who they date and/or sleep with.

[notalady]

This is an excellent question, though I loath the whole numbering system. I've told this story more times then I can count on but I'll tell it again. Friend of mine gets dumped by a guy. I'm helping her through the break up and she says something to the effect of "He is just soooooo attractive." I was completely flabergasted. To me the guy was like a 4. To her he was probably a 9.

 

There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to attraction and dating because there a thousands upon thaousands of factors for each person that go into why they are attracted to someone one. A good looking, kind heart-man who would eb prime relationship material for most women might also have an extreme case of White Knight Syndrom and only go for unbalanced "crazy" women. A woman who on the outside looks attractive and confident might have had a terrible home life as a child and thus be terrified of committment or only pick men who treat her badly. No one knows what's happened in anyone elses life that effect when and who they date and/or sleep with.

 

Indeed, I've seen the same (what someone else considers attractive, I didn't and vice versa).

[thejigsup]

When a man acts freaked out because I tried a little tongue action on him, I assume he is rejecting me and leave him alone.

[Dougie_D]

I think your mistake was going for the kiss with someone you're not attracted to. I'm not sure how to put this. I'm not looking to start a big argument, but many women are....I guess I'll say reciprocal? They feed off the attention and passion of men. You'll see it here if you keep your eyes open. Girls asking if some guy is interested in them and when someone (often me) asks "Well, are you interested in him" they are actually completely unable to answer the question until they know if he's interested in them first. Their interest is a reflection of his interest, its very basis is the level and degree of his interest.

 

I think kissing can be the same way. You can't really expect her to feel "chemistry" in the kissing if you're not really into it either because part of what she's expecting to feel as "chemistry" is your desire for her. No desire...no "chemistry".

 

That's not even to mention that using people for "experience" isn't really the most moral action I can think of.

 

Don't get me wrong.. I did feel wrong thinking I would date this chick just for experience. But then again, I average maybe 1 date a year. She's the furthest I've ever got with a girl.

 

Plus, many women break up with men based on "bad kissing" even if they had interest before them. My roommate literally did that to 3 guys... "he was a bad kisser and it didn't feel right after that"...

 

There isn't a "kissing class" I can go to. So as terrible as it sounds... right now, I'm looking to just start kissing women regardless if I am attractive to them or not. I'm not sure if my technique would change based off if I'm attractive to her or not. I honestly don't know.

[Batya33]

Don't get me wrong.. I did feel wrong thinking I would date this chick just for experience. But then again, I average maybe 1 date a year. She's the furthest I've ever got with a girl.

 

Plus, many women break up with men based on "bad kissing" even if they had interest before them. My roommate literally did that to 3 guys... "he was a bad kisser and it didn't feel right after that"...

 

There isn't a "kissing class" I can go to. So as terrible as it sounds... right now, I'm looking to just start kissing women regardless if I am attractive to them or not. I'm not sure if my technique would change based off if I'm attractive to her or not. I honestly don't know.

 

I don't think you can work on kissing skills at all with someone you are not attracted to. Better to practice with a pillow, etc.