Going in Circles

[boltnrun]

For the job I want to be moved up into, I need a degree. I am only a couple dozen credits short of a college degree. I'll be considerably older than all the other college students, but I really want this position. So I'm going back to school next Spring.

 

It will be worth it because I will have the job I want in a city I really want to be in. Yeah, it will take hard work (going to school half time and working full time) but the rewards will be great.

 

And I say that about everything in life...anything worth having requires hard work and dedication. But the rewards make it all worthwhile.

[Dougie_D]

Yes, you are choosing in part by your choices in how you interact with people. You make your own opportunities to meet potential dates/romantic partners. You don't just "get chances" -and if you do, that is very rare and often because you've taken steps to put yourself in the right environment where "luck" happens. Many people (me included) can spin their Mr./Ms. Right story as luck/fate/destiny. I prefer to look at the choices/effort/proactivity at least for myself. Only a minor part is luck/timing.

 

I watched part of the video. I would not want to date that person because he would not have enough in common with me. I think if there are women at parties you might be interested in a potential relationship with, choose not to act as you described. Most people would get the impression that you are more focused on drawing attention to yourself -whether positive/negative -than actually getting to know people individually. I wrote people -nothing to do with women, just common sense in social situations. If you are not interested getting to know people then sure, make those choices as long as you're not hurting other people who are there.

 

Nah, everyone enjoyed my company. I think the women thought I was a just a little bit pervy at times. I know I messed up. I was just really all about chasing women, partying, etc. I went to a small college town.

 

I still do some partying when I can, but I don't act like an idiot because I'm out in public at the clubs, bars, where I don't know everyone. Also, it wasn't until after I came to LA when I realized my appearance wasn't up to par. I'd get a haircut like twice a year. I never made an effort on my "fashion" because I didn't know others cared. In college, no one said anything about my shoes, clothes, etc.. Maybe because I was in the "scene" and everyone was more into the rock n roll. I was the only one that wore preppy stuff. I guess it was no big deal.

 

I can't look back anymore. Not even sure why I am bringing up the past. Need to work on the future. Even though I'm like 20 years behind.

[Dougie_D]

That is a great point.

 

You can be a grown-up man of 35 who has a minimum wage job but who is wise, understands himself, works to find the balance between working on himself and accepting what can't be changed, is curious, likes to learn, cares about what's going on in the world outside his bubble, has various passions and hobbies, and engages deeply with other people.

 

Or you can have a 35-yr.-old man arrested in development so that it appears he's eternally at a high school party with the mentality of that age bracket, who is satisfied to settle for all the same stuff he knows, does, and thinks, who has made the world a very small place for himself, is blind to opportunity, and spends all his days asking how others can turn all that straw into gold for him.

 

I feel like you guys say I'm too lazy. I don't get it. My roommate said the same thing. I don't know exactly what I'm lazy about? Where everyone else is just as "lazy" too.

 

Am I lazy because I don't have a career job at 35?

Am I lazy because I don't cook?

Am I lazy because I like to watch movies?

Am I lazy because I'd rather go to bar than hike?

Am I lazy because I am not married?

Am I lazy because I rather walk? Instead of drive?

Am I lazy because I bought a YOGA mattress and Youtubing excerises... rather than joining a class?

Am I lazy because I can't dance well?

Am I lazy because I'm not well rounded in political issues?

Am I lazy because I'm not really into art galleries.

Am I lazy because I don't go to the beach everyday?

Am I lazy for applying to a job?

Am I lazy because....

 

Seriously... it makes me sad. I literally don't know what I'm lazy about? There seems to be too many expectations for someone my age.

[Dougie_D]

Do they require a degree or certificate? If so, do you have a degree or certificates?

 

I have a bachelor and associate degree w/ an editing degree. haha.

[Moontiger]

I feel like you guys say I'm too lazy. I don't get it. My roommate said the same thing. I don't know exactly what I'm lazy about? Where everyone else is just as "lazy" too.

 

Am I lazy because I don't have a career job at 35?

Am I lazy because I don't cook?

Am I lazy because I like to watch movies?

Am I lazy because I'd rather go to bar than hike?

Am I lazy because I am not married?

Am I lazy because I rather walk? Instead of drive?

Am I lazy because I bought a YOGA mattress and Youtubing excerises... rather than joining a class?

Am I lazy because I can't dance well?

Am I lazy because I'm not well rounded in political issues?

Am I lazy because I'm not really into art galleries.

Am I lazy because I don't go to the beach everyday?

Am I lazy for applying to a job?

Am I lazy because....

 

Seriously... it makes me sad. I literally don't know what I'm lazy about? There seems to be too many expectations for someone my age.

 

Please point to where anyone here called you lazy. Perhaps I missed it. In my post at least I said you come off as resentful.

 

To answer the above questions, some of those are yes, some no, but most it depends.

 

Edit: and yes, there are expectation that an adult should have basic life skills like cooking, laundry, etc. This is what I meant when I said you seem resentful that you had to grow up. No woman wants to date a little boy.

[Dougie_D]

What kind of training /education can you get to qualify for a promotion/enhance your skills? What do you do to network in person to have more job/career opportunities?

 

My dream job is do A&R for record labels. Or work with the creative side of a label. Not sure if they care about about education or training.

 

Networking in person? That's really hard for music I guess. Majority we just do it e-mails. I mean I email some important peeps in the industry, but they are no position to "hire" me.

 

The problem with A&R is that they don't hire people for their skills. They hire people with contacts or better relationships with people who they want to work with. I have a really good ear for knowing what song/artists are great with potential HIT status. My old manager started an A&R blog and asked me to feed him bands. Tons of those band that I picked ended up getting signed to labels. So you know the industry either looked at the page, or I just had that gut feeling.. maybe both. Long story short, the guy never mentioned anything about me. He ended up getting a consulting A&R job with some labels and never suggested me to an assistant job or whatever.

 

Also, I've emailed many people (even A&R guys) asking for opportunities. When they know my passion is A&R, they go something like this :

 

"Well, I'm glad you emailed me. The best way to get a job is building relationships. And let's see how those A&R skills are.. how about you send me 5 bands or so each week? Is that cool?"

 

So I did. I was talking to an A&R guy from a Major label so I was excited. This lasted about about 1 1/2 months until one day I got an email saying that he didn't work there anymore. He ended up taking a co-worker of his and starting a new music publishing company. Never replied after I sent him multiple emails after that.

 

So what happend? Don't know... but one thing that really bothers me is that about 15 artists I sent him. At least 2 of them got signed to the LABEL he was at!

 

The problem was, this didn't happen just with this guy. Some were smart to say "thanks for those artists, but we already knew about them"... no one can prove that statement is a fact or not.

[Dougie_D]

Please point to where anyone here called you lazy. Perhaps I missed it. In my post at least I said you come off as resentful.

 

To answer the above questions, some of those are yes, some no, but most it depends.

 

Edit: and yes, there are expectation that an adult should have basic life skills like cooking, laundry, etc. This is what I meant when I said you seem resentful that you had to grow up. No woman wants to date a little boy.

 

I know lots of men/women who don't cook. I definitely do laundry. What makes me a little boy? I honestly don't get it. My girl roommate thinks I'm lazy because I'm not as active as her. Well, I'm sorry, that I don't do crossfit.. . I still do small jogs and walk everywhere. And we can talk about my other roommate. He doesn't have a full time job. He's technically a freelancer at a big company but it's only 6-7 months a year. When that's over he works 2/3 times a week in hotel. But he gets mad girls no problemo.

 

I'm not lazy. I'm just not up to par of what their ideal man is.

[tiredofvampires]

Since you quoted me, I'll bite to answer this question about laziness.

 

I can't prove it to you because it's buried deep in some other thread, but I remember it because it caught my attention. YOU said you were lazy.

 

But you've also flip-flopped on a variety of issues about yourself. Whatever it takes to keep switching up the convo so you don't have to DO anything, and you can just keep talking.

 

The most important thing is, what do YOU think you are? You could have a 1000 of us tell you you're not lazy, and would that help you get any further?

 

If someone asked me to define a person who is lazy, I'd look for someone who said these things:

 

I already know my deeper issue. I lack the ambition. I lack the passion. I lack the drive. I lack the motivation. It's honestly probably genetics, and some type of neurogical thing going on that's causing this. Trust me, I want to have all that stuff but I keep telling myself it's not even worth trying. Music is the only aspect of my life that keeps me motivated to pursue something.

 

However, sometimes those features are characteristic of someone with depression. Which you probably have to some degree. But I think it's all rolled together, for you. And whether it's depression, or conditioning, or self-sabotage, or pure, inherent laziness (which I tend to think is less common, just standing alone by itself), or all of the above, which it probably is, you know what I'd prescribe next, right? There's help out there.

 

Bottom line is, the way it plays out for you, I definitely would say you're lazy, agreeing with you (at least your former honest accounting of yourself). Someone who wants the easy way out, who does the minimum of work required -- that's lazy, and that describes your MO. And in fact, this is a sign of it right here, the way you answered my post about yours, above:

 

If we can agree this is my core problem, you kept on asking me questions. I wasn't looking for questions. I was looking for advice.

 

See, if you wanted to really investigate YOUR SELF-IDENTIFIED CORE PROBLEM AND THE ROLE IT PLAYS IN YOUR LIFE, WHICH SEEMS PRETTY DAMN IMPORTANT, you would have answered my questions and tried to probe. Instead, you said, "I just want a band-aid, I wanna feel good, how do I feel good? Gimme some quick-n-easy fixes."

 

So yes, I think you're lazy, and so do you, but you can write a bogus list like that which reeks of insincerity (like seriously, you're asking if you're lazy for not being married?), and it won't properly reflect that because it's the wrong list. (And I could write one, but it wouldn't be very helpful here. You'd just contest the reasons why you didn't work hard at each of the things I'd name.)

 

Just for the sake of it, here's a thesaurus with synonyms for "lazy". Have a look and see if any of these ring a bell, if you check in with yourself:

 

 

 

Sorry to be harsh, Dougie. But you asked, though it was in a fishing kind of contrary way.

 

The few times you're honest with yourself, you retract it later. Because staying with your honesty would mean facing the music, and doing something, but you don't want to. Which fits into all the above. It's just a big circle. As the title of your journal says.

 

I honestly don't get it.

 

Get it now?

[notalady]

I don't think not going to the gym or doing crossfit and the like is lazy and I believe a lot of women would not. If you jog and walk etc, that sounds fine to me.

[Dougie_D]

Since you quoted me, I'll bite to answer this question about laziness.

 

I can't prove it to you because it's buried deep in some other thread, but I remember it because it caught my attention. YOU said you were lazy.

 

But you've also flip-flopped on a variety of issues about yourself. Whatever it takes to keep switching up the convo so you don't have to DO anything, and you can just keep talking.

 

The most important thing is, what do YOU think you are? You could have a 1000 of us tell you you're not lazy, and would that help you get any further?

 

If someone asked me to define a person who is lazy, I'd look for someone who said these things:

 

 

 

However, sometimes those features are characteristic of someone with depression. Which you probably have to some degree. But I think it's all rolled together, for you. And whether it's depression, or conditioning, or self-sabotage, or pure, inherent laziness (which I tend to think is less common, just standing alone by itself), or all of the above, which it probably is, you know what I'd prescribe next, right? There's help out there.

 

Bottom line is, the way it plays out for you, I definitely would say you're lazy, agreeing with you (at least your former honest accounting of yourself). Someone who wants the easy way out, who does the minimum of work required -- that's lazy, and that describes your MO. And in fact, this is a sign of it right here, the way you answered my post about yours, above:

 

 

 

See, if you wanted to really investigate YOUR SELF-IDENTIFIED CORE PROBLEM AND THE ROLE IT PLAYS IN YOUR LIFE, WHICH SEEMS PRETTY DAMN IMPORTANT, you would have answered my questions and tried to probe. Instead, you said, "I just want a band-aid, I wanna feel good, how do I feel good? Gimme some quick-n-easy fixes."

 

So yes, I think you're lazy, and so do you, but you can write a bogus list like that which reeks of insincerity (like seriously, you're asking if you're lazy for not being married?), and it won't properly reflect that because it's the wrong list. (And I could write one, but it wouldn't be very helpful here. You'd just contest the reasons why you didn't work hard at each of the things I'd name.)

 

Just for the sake of it, here's a thesaurus with synonyms for "lazy". Have a look and see if any of these ring a bell, if you check in with yourself:

 

 

 

Sorry to be harsh, Dougie. But you asked, though it was in a fishing kind of contrary way.

 

The few times you're honest with yourself, you retract it later. Because staying with your honesty would mean facing the music, and doing something, but you don't want to. Which fits into all the above. It's just a big circle. As the title of your journal says.

 

 

 

Get it now?

 

haha! I'm talking about how I come off lazy to strangers? How can a potential partner know or not know how lazy I am in certain areas? People can't say to someone and go "you lazy." Also, I was making a comment about just because I'm lazy, doesn't mean everyone isn't. What are my roommates doing that makes them not lazy? That's what I'm really asking. There not doing anything different. Yeah, they both cook, but very minimum.

[notalady]

One of my male friends used to claim himself to be a "nice guy", he finally jumped out of that mentality several years ago in his early to mid 30s. He used to smoke pot and had no motivation or ambition to do anything whether it's career or hobbies or dating even though he desperately wanted to get laid and to have a gf. Didn't have much of a social circle, he used to tell me his friends never invited him to anything unless he initiated.

 

His first time was with a prostitute in his mid 20s (it was legal). He used to be bitter too about women not giving him a chance but will date "bad boys" and other men he deemed not worthy of dating. To be honest he's not very attractive. We didn't have much in common other than talking about dating because women and dating seems to be his sole interest, he had not much other knowledge or his own independent or unique views of the world, it all revolved around women and sex. It's fine as a friend that we only really had one thing to talk about, but I can see why women won't see themselves have much in common with him.

 

what really helped him was he realise he was at the same old place doing the same old thing that weren't working for years, nothing was changing until he changes. So he firstly gave up pot because it was making him lazy (he used that word) and lack motivation to do much with his life other than staying home all the time. Then he tried various hobbies and fell in love with salsa dancing, he really got into it and found his passion. He made tons of new friends and had two long term relationships as a result (met them at salsa events). He also quit his job to backpack around the world for a year and half, kind of planned around attending various large salsa events around the world. He saw lots of places and had lots of interesting experiences and stories to tell.

 

To me, women (and men for that matter if you're a woman) want to see what is it that makes you interesting, what makes you tick, they want to see you have something you're passionate about in life, that thing that makes you happy, makes you light up when you talk about it, that you know a lot (maybe too much) about and just love to do, it could be work or a hobby, it most definitely can be movies or tv shows or even just eating and drinking (these are some of my hobbies and I can tell you a lot about them, I can talk for hours about each of those things if you let me), whatever it may be. My friend found his passion which not only provided him with a channel to meet women, but also connect with these women because they have the same passion, it was simple as that. But making that change is not easy.

[boltnrun]

Comparing yourself to other people doesn't really help.

 

I could compare myself to others, but what does that get me?

 

The only time I concern myself with what others are doing is if they've accomplished something I'd like to accomplish, and I ask them for pointers.

 

So, to ask what your roommates are doing that isn't lazy doesn't help you at all.

 

However, it's an excellent way to deflect.

[Dougie_D]

I don't think not going to the gym or doing crossfit and the like is lazy and I believe a lot of women would not. If you jog and walk etc, that sounds fine to me.

 

It's fine because that part isn't really important to you.

 

People are assumed lazy to others based on a certain threshold.

 

Not everyone can like or do the minimum expectancy of everyone.

[tiredofvampires]

I'm not lazy.

 

Also, I was making a comment about just because I'm lazy, doesn't mean everyone isn't.

 

See what I mean?

 

All the time you spend on here, you could be in the gym or spending more time studying for classes in a community college or trade school, which would make you more physically attractive, more interesting, and more financially secure. 3 things that would improve you in the eyes of anyone.

 

"Just because I'm a b8tch, doesn't mean others aren't." Yeah, that'll win hearts.

 

lol

[notalady]

It's fine because that part isn't really important to you.

 

People are assumed lazy to others based on a certain threshold.

 

That's right, and I know plenty of women who do not consider that lazy is what I'm saying. It doesn't matter if your roommate does, she's clearly not a suitable woman for you that's all that needs to be concluded.

[tiredofvampires]

ETA @ my above post:

 

And how can people tell what you are? Sometimes, by what you're aren't.

[Dougie_D]

One of my male friends used to claim himself to be a "nice guy", he finally jumped out of that mentality several years ago in his early to mid 30s. He used to smoke pot and had no motivation or ambition to do anything whether it's career or hobbies or dating even though he desperately wanted to get laid and to have a gf. Didn't have much of a social circle, he used to tell me his friends never invited him to anything unless he initiated.

 

His first time was with a prostitute in his mid 20s (it was legal). He used to be bitter too about women not giving him a chance but will date "bad boys" and other men he deemed not worthy of dating. To be honest he's not very attractive. We didn't have much in common other than talking about dating because women and dating seems to be his sole interest, he had not much other knowledge or his own independent or unique views of the world, it all revolved around women and sex. It's fine as a friend that we only really had one thing to talk about, but I can see why women won't see themselves have much in common with him.

 

what really helped him was he realise he was at the same old place doing the same old thing that weren't working for years, nothing was changing until he changes. So he firstly gave up pot because it was making him lazy (he used that word) and lack motivation to do much with his life other than staying home all the time. Then he tried various hobbies and fell in love with salsa dancing, he really got into it and found his passion. He made tons of new friends and had two long term relationships as a result (met them at salsa events). He also quit his job to backpack around the world for a year and half, kind of planned around attending various large salsa events around the world. He saw lots of places and had lots of interesting experiences and stories to tell.

 

To me, women (and men for that matter if you're a woman) want to see what is it that makes you interesting, what makes you tick, they want to see you have something you're passionate about in life, that thing that makes you happy, makes you light up when you talk about it, that you know a lot (maybe too much) about and just love to do, it could be work or a hobby, it most definitely can be movies or tv shows or even just eating and drinking (these are some of my hobbies and I can tell you a lot about them, I can talk for hours about each of those things if you let me), whatever it may be. My friend found his passion which not only provided him with a channel to meet women, but also connect with these women because they have the same passion, it was simple as that. But making that change is not easy.

 

I get it. My passion involves music.. discovering new artists. I can't tell you much about history of music, but I'm more focused on learning the new trends. Also, the people that like what I do are usually men. Every single date I've been on since coming to LA, I've had to explain what A&R is. I can literally talk all day about new bands or bands I think will be huge. At work, I'm that guy that sends people new music to listen to.

 

But when women ask that's what I do, I say no, but that's still my dream job. And then they ask what I'm going to do about it. And then I say, I have my record label, but I'm saving up money to actually launch it.

[Dougie_D]

ETA @ my above post:

 

And how can people tell what you are? Sometimes, by what you're aren't.

 

So they just didn't like who I was? Is that my fault?

[tiredofvampires]

The things that you don't have control over aren't your fault. The things you do have control over and don't do anything about -- that is your fault. (Not a great word, I prefer, "responsibility".)

 

There's a lot more that's under your control than that which isn't. So you do that math.

 

If you can't tell one from the other -- you know my Rx.

[notalady]

I get it. My passion involves music.. discovering new artists. I can't tell you much about history of music, but I'm more focused on learning the new trends. Also, the people that like what I do are usually men. Every single date I've been on since coming to LA, I've had to explain what A&R is. I can literally talk all day about new bands or bands I think will be huge. At work, I'm that guy that sends people new music to listen to.

 

But when women ask that's what I do, I say no, but that's still my dream job. And then they ask what I'm going to do about it. And then I say, I have my record label, but I'm saving up money to actually launch it.

 

Are there no place for you to meet women who might be interested in the same thing as you?

[tiredofvampires]

I think it's pretty risky to have only ONE thing you're interested in, socially speaking.

 

It's very simple, if you don't have a diverse portfolio, in any sphere, you put too many eggs in one basket.

 

Your options will be as limited as your interests.

[Dougie_D]

Are there no place for you to meet women who might be interested in the same thing as you?

 

The reality is that I don't go to that many shows than I used to. Also, I work full time, so going to a weekday show is not going to cut it for me anymore.

 

I always go see my friends band play, as long as they play on a weekend.

 

I also live in LA.

 

Meeting women isn't a problem. It's attracting them.

[Dougie_D]

I think it's pretty risky to have only ONE thing you're interested in, socially speaking.

 

It's very simple, if you don't have a diverse portfolio, in any sphere, you put too many eggs in one basket.

 

Your options will be as limited as your interests.

 

I'm interested in LOTS of things. I just don't show it. My interest levels come and go. I'll be interested in seeing Art Gallery, but if someone asked me to name the artist's name the next day I wouldn't have a clue.

 

Yes, there are probably things are more interested than others, but it doesn't mean I can't be interested in something at all. And sometimes people think I'm weird because I can be interested in something that makes no sense if you not interested in something related.

 

For instance, I don't enjoy cooking. That's why I don't do it. But I'm more fascinated about the art of "plating". It's basically how it looks when it's served. Any buffet I go to, I'm gonna make my dish look fancy.

[Cheetarah]

Dougie...I can appreciate some of your "artistic replications". They're funny. And I think it's great you have no shame about your body, you shouldn't. You also are a pretty decent looking guy. I think you've showed us one or two pics that didn't do much justice, but in looking at many at once it gives a better idea of what you look like.

 

But I think you clown too much. Like the toilet, Doug. The toilet. This reminds me of something the guys would have done when we were in college. Or grilled cheese nipples. This is probably the sort of clowning I would have appreciated in my late teens, at frat parties. I don't see anything wrong with being goofy and immature sometimes so long as it's balanced with an adult life. You sort of remind me of an old friend. We met when I was 18 and he was in his early 20s, I think. Now it's 15 years later and he's still the same as he was then. Which would be okay but he hasn't made any attempt to make a life for himself. He's the same in every way right down to the job and education aspect. He doesn't have drive or ambition, either. He's actually incredibly intelligent and insightful on the rare occasions he lets it out, but most people don't get to see it as he's too busy setting up sex dolls at the kitchen table having high tea. Actually I can appreciate that, and admit I have assisted with set up but that is beside the point! I also have a lot of responsibilities that I put first, and that is the difference between him and I.

 

I don't have anything to add here that hasn't already been said. And you do make fancy displays with cheetos, I'll give you that. I think you have some quirky interests mixed in with maybe, as someone put, a resentment about having to grow up. But growing up doesn't have to mean it all stops. It just means priorities shift.

[Dougie_D]

Dougie...I can appreciate some of your "artistic replications". They're funny. And I think it's great you have no shame about your body, you shouldn't. You also are a pretty decent looking guy. I think you've showed us one or two pics that didn't do much justice, but in looking at many at once it gives a better idea of what you look like.

 

But I think you clown too much. Like the toilet, Doug. The toilet. This reminds me of something the guys would have done when we were in college. Or grilled cheese nipples. This is probably the sort of clowning I would have appreciated in my late teens, at frat parties. I don't see anything wrong with being goofy and immature sometimes so long as it's balanced with an adult life. You sort of remind me of an old friend. We met when I was 18 and he was in his early 20s, I think. Now it's 15 years later and he's still the same as he was then. Which would be okay but he hasn't made any attempt to make a life for himself. He's the same in every way right down to the job and education aspect. He doesn't have drive or ambition, either. He's actually incredibly intelligent and insightful on the rare occasions he lets it out, but most people don't get to see it as he's too busy setting up sex dolls at the kitchen table having high tea. Actually I can appreciate that, and admit I have assisted with set up but that is beside the point! I also have a lot of responsibilities that I put first, and that is the difference between him and I.

 

I don't have anything to add here that hasn't already been said. And you do make fancy displays with cheetos, I'll give you that. I think you have some quirky interests mixed in with maybe, as someone put, a resentment about having to grow up. But growing up doesn't have to mean it all stops. It just means priorities shift.

 

Yeah, I do believe my goofy side throw people off, but it's not like I'm like that 24/7. I'm only more goofy around my close friends or people who know me well. But when I go out in public, I'm a normal guy. I think that's what throws people off. Because I've heard more than once "I thought I'd be embarrassed by you, but you are pretty calm in public. "

 

Also, it's not that I don't want to "grow up".. I think I just don't know how to. For instance, I don't know what things I need to change to make it look like I'm all grown up. Remember, I'm only goofy once you really get to know me. I have a car, I have an apt, I have a job, etc.. Don't know what other things to show that I'm a grown up?